Story of My Life, part 7

by | Jan 29, 2024 | Musings | 92 comments

Living in the barracks led to wacky hijinks once in a while. Once at DLI, my roommate returned in state which the British politely and colorfully describe as “tired and emotional”. I gave him water, made sure he slept on his side, and positioned a trash can close to his head in case his stomach suddenly decided it was time to evict its troublesome new tenants. The next day, I discreetly helped him clean up the mess and applied copious pine-scented cleaner to cover up the smell. And most importantly, I never said a word about it to anyone. The next time he went out for the weekend, he assured me he would scrupulously obey all rules and regulations, just like everyone else in the Army.

Another time, the guys in the room below mine decided to have loud parties to the wee hours of the morning most weekends. My roommate at the time had to wake up early to do funeral details on the weekends, so I felt the behavior was out of bounds, all the more so since those barracks had a minimal noise policy. I went down there once and simply said it’s 2 AM. A day or two later, I was woken up by a few First Sergeants who were looking for an underage girl who had gone missing recently. At first, I wondered why such a search would be checking the barracks. Then I remembered that there were a lot of young people at those late-night parties, including some who looked like they were still in high school. Why, a more cynical man might even have suspected that there had been underage drinking!

Alas, the parties continued. So, the next time I went down, I barged in the room and unplugged what I thought was the stereo but turned out to be a lamp. Well, there was some shouting and shoving from him, but when things calmed down, I tried using logic. I said the bar on base closes at midnight, the bars off base close at 1 AM, it’s almost 2 AM now, enough. Well, the host claimed to be friends with the MPs, I suppose to convince me not to call and promised to wrap things up. 45 minutes later, the party was still going full blast, so I called the MPs and said:

***
This is not an emergency. The guys in the room below me are having a loud party.
Just flash your lights and siren and they’ll skedaddle.
***

Reverse psychology works well on police. The offenders were permanently silenced.

The last major incident happened in December of 2019. In the prior few months, several guys with extra loud anti-mufflers moved in and woke me many times in the morning as I tried to sleep after the night shift. One night after hearing many obnoxiously loud engine noises, I lost my patience and went looking for the offender. When I found them, I informed them of the policy and told them to go to bed. One of them decided to give me the stink eye, so I looked at him and asked rhetorically, “what war were you in?” He let a pathetic whine and shoved me into a car. We grappled for a bit and then I fell.

When I got up, he was about 20 feet away and giving me a death stare. His very stupid friend said his name and after they both left, I was able to track him down from his unit’s roster. Unfortunately, he had recently left the Army and so his unit was unable to punish him. I made a report to the MPs, waited a month, and when I asked what happened, the MP gave me a stack of forms to fill out if I wanted to know the outcome of the investigation. I sensed he knew about my hatred of paperwork and did that to repel me.

I feel compelled to add that if he struggled to overpower a tipsy 5’4 guy, hand-to-hand combat is not the field for him, though I suspect he will end up learning that the hard way from a less merciful opponent. Given his appearance and reaction, I think it’s safe to say his military career was as short as it was undistinguished.

People who want to get violent with me usually go for it, and I got used it a while ago. I got in a fight on the train in Chicago once. When the doors opened, I saw a guy barking like a dog. A smarter man would have gone to another car. I chose the road less travelled. I told him to be quiet to no avail, and after enduring his antics for a few minutes, I got up and took a swing at him. I missed but I did get him into a headlock and sat down. He punched me a few times in the ribs until another passenger put his arm behind his back. Someone called the police and when the train stopped, the doors opened, and I let him go. As soon as I released him, he punched me in the eye and ran away. I ended doing a comedy show while looking like the mayhem guy from AllState.

Anyway, back to the barracks. Well, it got mighty quiet after that night, so another victory. When we were grappling, I was tempted to go berserk, but didn’t because I didn’t want to get yanked off mission or make trouble for my unit. My company had recently chosen the pirate theme I designed for its logo, and I was still in a good mood about that at the time.

The Army Good Conduct Medal is not a big deal for most soldiers, but for me it was. I kept it on my desk as part of my motivational shrine. It was a reminder of all the times I was tempted to punch someone into the fourth dimension and didn’t. The other parts of the shrine were my Eagle Scout medal, a few fortune cookie messages, and a mini Army Bible open to my favorite verse, Psalm 18:37, which reads:

***
I pursue my enemies and I catch them; I do not stop until I destroy them.
***

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

92 Comments

    • Evan from Evansville

      Ev strongly approves.

  1. Rat on a train

    I did flag detail at the cemetery on POM while on casual duty. It wasn’t as much fun as firing the howitzer, setting of car alarms, on red cycle at Fort Richardson.

    I remembered that there were a lot of young people at those late-night parties, including some who looked like they were still in high school.
    About 90% of my class were straight out of high school. I was barely 18 when I started.

    The Army Good Conduct I Didn’t Get Caught Medal is not a big deal for most soldiers
    Hey, at least you have to do more than you do for the rainbow ribbon.

    a mini Army Bible
    I still have a Russian language field bible I got from the post chapel.

    • Derpetologist

      In Arabic, the bible is called kitaab al-hayah, the book of life. I’ve read the whole Quran in English and about 1/3 of it in Arabic. The language is old-fashioned and repetitive. It’s not a fun read.

      • Urthona

        I myself read Harry Potter in the original British.

      • Derpetologist

        I tried the books and the movies. Not my cup of tea.

        Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Superman, Rambo, Samson, David, Hercules…they’re all the same character basically.

        Terminator is robot Jesus with a machine gun.

      • Mojeaux

        they’re all the same character basically.

        See also: Joseph Campbell and the hero’s adventure, aka “monomyth.”

      • The Hyperbole

        Suis generis characters are a myth and if they did exist they would suck. We’ve been doing this far to long now for their to be any originality that isn’t forced and unnecessary.

      • Derpetologist

        +1 Gregor Samsa

      • The Hyperbole

        Also (at the risk of offending SugarFree) any and all Lovecraftian protagonists. “Oh the horror!, it’s was all so alien that there are no words to explain it, blah blah blah…”

      • Gustave Lytton

        Options for the I, Soldier franchise universe…

  2. Fourscore

    Apparently the army has changed a lot since I left. The changes seemed to have started in the mid ’70s when the draft stopped. Project 100K let in many marginal people, most of whom never made it to their regular discharge. When the lady soldiers started integrating the combat support units we didn’t know what to do or how to act around the delicate sex. Higher HQs put out directives that didn’t match up with reality.

    It wasn’t a morale booster and was a distraction at the time. No idea how it worked out and what it’s like today.

    • Derpetologist

      In basic, all the females in our battery (Fort Sill refers to “companies” as “batteries” because it’s the home of field artillery, yadda yadda), about 50 out of 200, had their own bay. The average soldier these days spends several hours a year on various sorts of department of hurt feelings classes: EO, SHARP, etc.

      I saw that female soldiers were way more likely to be on profile from injuries and get medical discharges. My hat’s off to them for joining just the same though.

      My gal pal at DLI got med boarded for a back injury after making it most of the way through the Chinese course. Good on her for rolling with the punches.

      A male soldier I knew well lied about an injury to get in and was later med boarded after training made the injury serious. Such a shame. He made it all the way through the Arabic course, which is the hardest part.

      • Rat on a train

        I recall Consideration of Others Training (COOT) in the 90s. It ended up being a game of soldiers thinking up with the most absurd harassment scenarios. “Management” did not approve.

    • Brochettaward

      Army has changed a lot just since when I got out. Allowing women into combat arms, the clot shot mandate, and an ever increasing list of DEI courses.

    • Derpetologist

      High heels give Soldiers a new perspective

      https://www.army.mil/article/87923/High_heels_give_Soldiers_a_new_perspective/

      ***
      The second annual Army Community Service Family Advocacy Program sponsored event, known locally as “Dudes in Heels,” saw a rise in community support with more than 400 in attendance. And while watching burly Soldiers attempting to walk a mile in high heels was entertaining for spectators, it was also a bold statement against domestic violence.
      ***

      Can’t imagine why macho young guys don’t want to be in the Army anymore…

    • Gustave Lytton

      After the idiots, it was the druggies and commies. I’d hear stories about how the Army used to be and it really seemed to hit a nadir post-Vietnam/post-AVF in the 70’s before the adults realized it was bullshit and started cleaning house. Much improved during the 80’s and kept rolling for a while. I’ve been out so don’t know what current life is like.

      • Gustave Lytton

        *like wearing short hair wigs on duty with their real, longer hair underneath.

      • Derpetologist

        Ponytails were allowed a few years ago.

        I remember sitting through a brief on transgender acceptance in 2016 and doing my best not to explode Dale Gribble style.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsV4CBOGidg

    • Rat on a train

      There were a few women in my C&J company. They were assigned to the TRQ team because it wasn’t a physically demanding position. LLVI had to be able to carry a 120 pound ruck and the POC had to be able to move field safes.

  3. Brochettaward

    Grab life by the First and, well, First.

  4. Lackadaisical

    Keep em coming. Thanks derp.

    • Bones

      That’s the result of teaching feelings instead of facts. We know what a dishonest mission it is, but too many people either put up with it or actually believe in it to kill it in any reasonable way. It’s a damn shame.

      • Bones

        God knows they couldn’t possibly make an outspoken character like Churchill the subject of admiration, but you’d think the British kids would at least know Holmes is fictional, geez.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        The controlled demolition of Western civ and reality itself continues it seems, especially in the English speaking world.

      • Derpetologist

        Not So Great Britain

    • The Hyperbole

      At my regular watering hole they have a shelf with what google tells me are Chalkware statues of various old movie stars. When ever someone asks who they are the answer is always Bob Hope, John Wayne, Humphry Bogart, and Sherlock Holmes. No one ever calls him Basil Rathbone (or calls Bogey Sam Spade)

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      New Order version is the superior version.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean, Stinky, TO’G, and Teh Hype!

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Mornin’, Red.

  5. Stinky Wizzleteats

    So Marvel (owned by Disney now I think so I shouldn’t be surprised) released a TV series with a main character that has a prosthetic leg and is deaf and has to communicate via sign language? Why don’t they just stack whatever money was used to make this trash into a pile and burn it?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHGl2zptke8

    I mean honestly, how much more stupid can it get?

    • The Hyperbole

      Haven’t heroes always had handicaps? Isn’t that part of the story ‘overcoming adversity’ and what not. Not sure I get why this is somehow dumber than a blind guy or a cripple.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Some do, sure, but it doesn’t exactly make for scintillating dialogue or even being able to correctly follow what’s going on in the context of the movie or show. Also, Daredevil has radar or some shit and Captain Pickard can read minds-pretty serious deviations from the norm that allow people to take the implications of the handicap less seriously.

      • rhywun

        And it sounds like her superpower is related to said adversity. I mean, Marvel is trash so I won’t watch any of that crap but at least it makes some sort of sense.

      • Not Adahn

        If you have senses that fill the role of sight, down to being able to read, you’re not actually blind.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, U!

  6. Gender Traitor

    Top local news headline: “Officers, troopers investigating after suspected car found in Greene County.”

    Well, is it a car or not?? I think the word you’re looking for is “suspicious.” 🙄

    The murder of the English language via slow torture continues apace.

    • UnCivilServant

      Turns out it was an El Camino, they weren’t sure if it was a car or a pickup.

      • Gender Traitor

        THAT’s the kind of vehicle we need today! Bring back the El Camino!

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        I’d love to have one.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        If only it wasn’t a Chevrolet…if Toyota’d make a Camry with a bed I’d be the first in line.

      • Gender Traitor

        Inorite?? Probably the best bet would be to watch the various big classic car auctions – Mecum, Barrett-Jackson, etc. Fun, non-committal TV viewing over a meal when you don’t necessarily want to get sucked into an hour-long episode of anything.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Always partial to the Ranchero myself.

      • rhywun

        Canyonero or GTFO

    • Gender Traitor

      What would impress me would be if she could play a didgeridoo that way.

    • rhywun

      What’s German for “circuses”?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        “Your energy bills are unreasonably high for avoidable reasons but, here, enjoy some degenerate entertainment.”
        Is Weimaresque a word?

  7. The Gunslinger

    Huh. That danged stargazer was right! Bow chicka wow wow was in the cards for Capricorn this week after all. And it was good.

    Good morning all.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, ‘slinger! Congratulations, I guess?

  8. Beau Knott

    Morning all!
    Here’s hoping the big changes go smoothly this evening/tonight.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Collectively sysadmins and webmasters hold their breath at such a statement.

      • UnCivilServant

        Anecdotally, the jinx doesn’t seem to have an impact on outcomes.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Speaking of…I gotta partition out our system this morning to evaluate Raytheon’s latest and greatest software on some under utilized processors.

      • Ownbestenemy

        You have no idea and for that matter, neither do I or the general public. Hell I doubt congress knows how much we get bilked.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Beau & OBE!

      What’s the appropriate sacrifice to make to appease the web developer gods?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Mt. Dew and some left over pizza that was in the back of the fridge unlabeled?

      • Beau Knott

        My experience suggests it’s web users ;-\

    • Rat on a train

      Unleashing the AI?

      • Ownbestenemy

        If Government wishes to reign in AI, just unleash it onto a small community of libertarians. I’d give it one hour tops before it starts arguing with itself.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Interesting

    • PieInTheSky

      And you people want me to fly to the US. A man can get killed doing that.

      • rhywun

        Yeah, I’m not flying again. I might take a boat in your case but who knows, those might be hiring for least competence too.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Current crop is competent; its when attrition starts to really hit. I watched students melt down when they failed their courses in OKC (where we do our training). It was like watching my kids when they were toddlers. Security escorts off campus and all that jazz.

    • rhywun

      I was a day-one donor to @PeteButtigieg during his presidential campaign, impressed by his deep understanding and articulate defense of liberal principles.

      😂🤣

      • rhywun

        Lefties do like the sound of their own voices – esp. when being caught out on their shibboleths – don’t they.

      • R C Dean

        I had to laugh at that, too.

    • R C Dean

      What a gigantic cluster. And the worst part is, it happened over years with lots of people involved. This wasn’t some goofball with pink hair. This is just how it works now.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Yep, it is a rot of the whole, not just one person.

        The technical side has resisted so far and same with the air traffic side to an extent. The last 4 people I actually hired were all technical background but they are pushing for more and more off the street that probably couldn’t tell me the positive/negative side of a power source. The schoolhouse still has old-school instructors and are the last line of defense on weeding out people, but that defense is being eroded.

    • Derpetologist

      On a similar note, I read that NYC has a test for garbagemen. They purposefully made it easy such that 90% or so of the takers get a perfect score. This allows them to hire whomever they want without getting accused of any sort of discrimination. It’s sort of like an anti-meritocracy.

  9. UnCivilServant

    Muahahahahahaha!

    I’m powering my MSP430G2553 off the Arduino.

    This sounds insignificant, but it does mean I can test how code for the MSP430 works without the debug module being in the loop.

    • UnCivilServant

      To be honest, I expected it to work, I just had to prove it.

  10. Fourscore

    Weimeraners and El Caminos, these are two of my favorite things.

    Thank dog for TeamViewer. My son bailed me out again. Don’t ask me what was wrong, all I know is my internet was broke.

    Morning, each and everyone. Unseasonably warm again in Podunkville and the 10 day forecast is for more of the same. Ain’t complainin’