I, Soldier – part 11

by | Mar 18, 2024 | Fiction | 38 comments

The monument is next to the Potomac. James Rumsey successfully tested a steamboat near there and often gets the credit for that invention. I remember going to the monument and the surrounding park a few times as a kid and teen. It was one of my favorite places in Jefferson County. It seemed like a good place for a date, or whatever it was I was doing with Alexandra at that time. It had been a long minute since I’d gotten this far with a gal. I didn’t want to break things off when they were going so well but also wasn’t sure how to wrap things up and bid farewell. Finally, I took out a mini notepad wrote down my dad’s name, address, and phone number as well as the approximate date I’d be back in Jefferson County after my discharge. I also wrote down Truman’s name and Army PO box in Da Nang. I explained that it was very hard to get mail where I was, but letters mailed to Truman and Da Nang would arrive and I could read them later.

“Here, take this. If I survive, I’ll be back here around this date and time. If I don’t show up, go to my dad and he’ll be able to tell you what happened.”

“God, everything you say sounds like an epitaph.”

“Worst case scenario, death is just a dreamless sleep. Fear not, my love. I’ll be back.”

I took my time getting back to Vietnam. Long journeys are my hobby, if that’s the right word, so I hitchhiked a meandering route. I wanted to see as much of America as possible before leaving and not seeing it again for a few years, if ever. The path of least resistance is what makes a river crooked. I enjoy the mountain west a lot, especially Wyoming and the Grand Tetons near Yellowstone. It struck me that I could spend years wandering the country like John Muir and still not see everything worth seeing in America. It was beautiful thought; that there were countless new adventures to be had.

I passed through Da Nang on my way back to the outpost in the Central Highlands. Da Nang was home to the biggest US base in Vietnam. To my great surprise, I bumped into Colonel Truman.

“You’re a sight for sore eyes, soldier.”

“It’s a small world, sir.”

“What do you know about demolition? Ever blown up anything with C4?”

“Haven’t had the pleasure yet. My job is to win hearts and minds, not some other body part.”

“God almighty, son, you have a weird sense of humor. Let’s take this conversation somewhere private.”

He led me back to an empty office and pulled a folder out of a filing cabinet. I wondered what fresh hell was about to be served.

“Very few American POWs have escaped so far during this war. The enemy keeps them locked up like Fort Knox. There is a POW camp just north of the DMZ. It’s run by the North Vietnamese army from what we can tell. Here are some aerial recon photos.”

The ironically named DMZ or demilitarized zone was in fact one of the most heavily guarded borders in the world at the time.

I flipped through the photos. The camp was a bit bigger than a football field. There couldn’t have been more than a few dozen prisoners there. The only prison break I knew about in detail was the raid on Cabanatuan at the end of WW2. That camp held US troops who had surrendered when the Japanese conquered the Philippines. There were other Americans who avoided capture and continued to fight. One of them was a guy named Wendell Fertig. He spent years living in the jungle on the island of Mindanao and waging a guerilla war against the Japanese with plenty of Filipino help. Even more incredibly, he did all that in his 40s. Some time after the war ended, he returned to a hero’s welcome. Fertig went to be one of the founders of Army Special Forces. The gears in my head started turning. If I could get this raid to work, it’d be that much easier to do similar operations. I knew there were guys who had been captured for years in grueling conditions.

“Sir, where there’s a will, there’s a way. No one gets left behind.”

“I figured you’d say something like that. Feel free to study this file as long as you like. When you’re done, head to chopper pad. I took the liberty of loading with plenty of C4 and other toys for you to play with. I know you like to choose your own adventure.”

At this point, I suspected that Truman knew me better than my own father. In a way, he was like a second father to me. That didn’t make up for not having a mother, but it helped. My dad never explained why my mom never visited or tried to contact me. Maybe she had some kind of mental breakdown. I decided that after the war I would go look for her.

Not long after, I was flying back to outpost with enough C4 and other explosives to blow up half the province. I was looking forward to demo practice with Binh and whoever else wanted to learn. My basic plan was to plant lots of explosives, blow the camp perimeter to kingdom come, then rally the dazed POWs to run for the rescue choppers before enemy could figure out what hit them. It was risky, but simple, and fewer things can go wrong with simple plans.

It didn’t take too long to learn how to use C4 and teach Binh and the others how to use it. The Fourth of July was my favorite holiday as a kid and so I already had plenty of practice with things that go bang and boom. C4 is safe and easy to use. For me it was basically an extra strength firecracker. It has the consistency of clay and can be molded into various shapes. I amused the men once by molding some C4 into the shape of a rabbit with floppy ears. The Annamite striped rabbit (Nessolagus timminsi) is native to Vietnam. Annam is another, older name for Vietnam.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

38 Comments

  1. Gustave Lytton

    And works great as a fuel source.

    • Derpetologist

      “My dad says butane is a bastard gas.”

      -Bobby Hill

  2. Evan from Evansville

    Thank you. I quite enjoy these, though this one hit me in several odd ways.

    ‘“Worst case scenario, death is just a dreamless sleep…” Worst case Ontario, yep. Mine wasn’t unpleasant (for me). It’s a deep spiral to wander down in thought. Seeing rays in the li’l nooks is a way to dig up(!). It’s rewarding for us all, in our own ways. I’d be a terrible soldier. Or I’d die rather fast. I’ll hang on to the chance I’d be 007-ing my way into some fiendish Octopussy.

  3. R.J.

    Word, Derpy. I have been reworking my resume and prepping to job search, so I still have your work clothes package in the trunk of my car. No rest for the weary, and sleep is for the weak.

    • Derpetologist

      I got some fishy text messages claiming to be from USPS. I thought that maybe it was legit since you mentioned mailing stuff soon, but now I know better. Of course, the fact that the text messages were a group chat was another suspicious sign. I did not reply to either of them or click the links embedded within. I like having a phone without a data plan. It’s an extra layer of security.

      While the past year was great for me in terms of creativity, I’ve been stagnating. I try to look on the bright side: I have money, freedom, and health. That’s better than spending most of my waking hours in a job I don’t like. Hopefully I’ll have another teaching job soon. I don’t like to say I’m depressed, but I have been drinking a lot and spending way too much time in bed. If nothing else, I should be writing and exercising every day. I have enough time for that.

      • R.J.

        When I mail you something I will send an email, from me, with the tracking number. There is a lot of creepy fake address scams with unknown purpose going on lately. I got a couple of those myself, I almost clicked on one last week.

  4. Fourscore

    As I was preparing for a Southeast Asian vacation my brother-in-law at the time asked if I minded if he took a life insurance policy out on me. I told him to go ahead, his money, why would I care?

    My wife at the time was appalled. Her opinion was that he was hoping I would die and he’d be the beneficiary. My opinion was “What’s the worst thing that could happen? Anyway he’d have lost the bet, as it turned out.

    Now I laugh at the insurance companies like Colonial Penn and others what won’t insure the missus or me ’cause we can’t pass their age requirements.

    • Evan from Evansville

      *STANDING OVATION* That’s a sweet, personal zing up Col. Penn’s ass. “I’m sorry, sir. We can’t cover you cuz you just won’t die! Cheers and respect, sir! Let me hold that for you, and please take a mug!”

      I like to think when Death comes, he’ll give me a tip of the cap. Me in return.”Good Gamesmanship, Lord.” “You too, Sonny.”
      Hrm. In that case, I presume I gain access into (some of) His Kingdom’s VIP Circles. For those he at least respects. I expect exquisite catering. ((Surprise me…) (Ya gotta reward Sin a bit to promote it. Casinos and gambling. Gotta payout, yo.))

  5. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Jeez, they actually cut a Trump bloodbath ad:
    https://youtu.be/qbj5e0pea1I?si=mZWWsnBNAm74dbqS

    It’s OK to dislike Trump, really it is, he did a lot of boneheaded shit but are people really this stupid? Seizing on this as a political opportunity just seems insane to me.

    • Tres Cool

      By any means necessary.

      Like I posted earlier, the DeepState has to be saying how much easier to was to get rid of Perot when he was a pebble in their shoe.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I just find it disturbing that they’re willing to lie so blatantly on something that’s so easily disproven and that they’re actually doubling down.

      • rhywun

        I guess they’re doing it because it works.

    • rhywun

      The left’s projection is getting a little more ominous.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        It’s untethered from reality-not even spin.

      • Brochettaward

        They were ready to take to the streets in 2020 if they lost. It’s one of the most overlooked aspects of the infamous fortification article.

        The masterminds behind the lawfare that expanded mail in voting were ready to send the word out to thugs across the country to take to the streets. If it looked like they were going to lose, antifa and BLM would have been out there rioting.

        So, there will be violence in 2024 if Trump wins. I have no doubt about that. I think they will go to new lows to prevent that from happening, but that will be there back-up plan.

      • creech

        Are you predicting like a sniper from 1000 yards or something?

      • Brochettaward

        A whole lot more cheating will come before that, but sure. He’d actually have to get back in office before they knock him off. And it’s not unrealistic. We live in a world where they killed Kennedy, even normies now believe they killed him, refuse to release the documents on the subject despite everyone involve being dead, and…nothing else happened.

        If Trump got into office, the deep state would be terrified in ways they never have been before.

    • Brochettaward

      Hatred of Trump is the *only(* thing that will motivate the progs to go to the polls. They need to at least be in range for reasonable fortification. They can only harvest so many ballots. The printers can only work so fast.

      No one is voting for Biden because of Joe Biden. The election is 100% about Trump at this stage.

  6. LCDR_Fish

    To follow up on JIs post earlier – Wind River Canyon is an awesome drive. Beautiful view.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m worried about tacking more time onto an already long drive.

  7. Ted S.

    Morning!

    • Sean

      *waves*

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean & Ted’S.!

      I think I have a better chance of good luck buying a lottery ticket than I do voting in Ohio’s primary today. 😒

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, U! How’s it going?

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m cantankerous this morning. Trying to force myself to a more neutral mood.

      • Gender Traitor

        I’m sorry to hear that. I’m expecting a very quiet day at work. I FINALLY finished drafting the minutes of last month’s quarterly committee meeting, which is good because the monthly Board meeting is tonight. (The good news about that is that my boss won’t be there, so it should be mercifully short…if the CEO remembers to record it in Zoom. If he forgets, he’s on his own for minutes.)

      • Gender Traitor

        I wish you a day with no meetings.

      • UnCivilServant

        I have a change management meeting 🙁

      • Gender Traitor

        If only you could actually change (upper) management instead of just managing change. 😞

    • Timeloose

      That’s some fine bipartisan opposition you have there NJ.

      “ There was, however, some bipartisan opposition to the bill Monday, with three Democratic senators and five Democratic Assembly members representing districts in Gloucester, Burlington and Camden counties voting against it.”

    • Suthenboy

      Aren’t they already the highest tax state in the US? Is anyone under the impression that giving them more, always more, money will improve anything?
      Wanna make things better in NJ? Cut the state’s take in half. The Feds too.

  8. Ownbestenemy

    Morning all. Mrs OBE and I had that talk about my job. Four more years will put me at 25 years and I think that is all I want to do. Can’t draw on that retirement and that is fine cause I have other plans I want to pursue until I can.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, OBE (and you, too, ‘loosey!) Isn’t it nice to be able to contemplate leaving the daily grind to do something else for a while, even if you won’t be able to retire completely?