The Hat and The Hair: Episode 194

by | Mar 13, 2024 | Hat and Hair | 124 comments

 

“I’m Donald Trump and I am your President,” Donald said directly into the camera of the cellphone propped up against the hat.

“Don’t point at the camera,” the hair said, “Gen Z finds it very threatening.”

“Fuck Gen Z,” the hat said. “Buncha queer-o fagbabies.”

“And then, what? I like dance or something?” Donald asked, shuffling his feet on the thick shag carpet of his Mar-a-Lago office. Outside, an alligator splashed in the murky water of the moat.

“Not just any dance, Donald. You’re going to twerk like Ice Spice in her ‘Fart’ video,” the hair said.

“I saw that video. She is not classy. She is not tremendous,” Donald said, leaning back against his desk.

“Down’s-hop is really hot right now,” the hat said. “You’ll be president again if you add a chromosome.”

“I don’t believe in chromosomes,” Donald said. “‘Chromosomes? More like homozones.”

The hat laughed dutifully.

“Funny, right?” Donald asked. “I should do that in the video.”

“Bad idea, Donald,” the hair said. “45% of TikTok users are gay-to-supergay, and 80% are on the trans spectrum.”

“Speaking of…” the hat said ominously, right before Laura breezed into the room.

“Hola, chicas!” she said brightly.

“Laura!’ Donald said. She moved in and kissed him full on the mouth.

“No tongue, Laura,” Donald said, pushing her away. “There are spies everywhere.”

“Sanpaku eyes,” the hat said darkly.

“What?” the hair asked, idly watching Laura grope Donald as she tried to kiss him again.

“Sanpaku eyes. The Japanese know that see the white of the eyes means a person is crazy,” the hat said.

“What do you know about Japanese culture?” the hair asked.

“I was a Samurai helmet for much of the 1400s,” the hat said. “I was majestic.”

The hair just didn’t know what to say.

“Laura, I’ve got to get back to this video for the TikTubers,” Donald said, pushing her away hard enough that she fell backwards to the floor.

“I love it when you get rough, Donald,” she said breathlessly.

“Pay attention, Donald!” the hat said. “We need to get this posted.”

“Aw, Christ, Donald,” the hair said. “Get her out of here, she’s started licking the carpet.”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

124 Comments

  1. Yusef drives a Kia

    “I was a Samurai helmet for much of the 1400s,” the hat said. “I was majestic.”
    Magical!

  2. The Late P Brooks

    “I was a Samurai helmet for much of the 1400s,” the hat said. “I was majestic.”

    I can’t help thinking being reincarnated as Donald’s trucker hat would rate as a demotion.

    • Swiss Servator

      “Sure it was fun to be Hatgun, but being Donald’s Hat is next step to escaping the Wheel of Life.”

      /CPRM voice off

      • juris imprudent

        Narrator: sadly, his next incarnation turned out to be Pope hat.

      • Suthenboy

        Gah! And witness untold horros i n the confessional after hours? Being Trumps hat looks like a Sunday school Easter egg hunt compared to that.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Hatgun sounds awfully close to a pun. It’s a sombrero moment when you resort to that kind of humor. I guess we’ll just have to toque it in stride.

      • pistoffnick

        *does Safety Dance in front of Jaime*

      • ron73440

        Don’t start that, you cap-size this thread and all the pun hatters will some out.

        Hatters gonna hat.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Switzy is just sho-ing off.

    • Lackadaisical

      Eh, not if you get to control the most powerful man in the world.

  3. Sean

  4. The Late P Brooks

    Laura Loomer (whoever she is)? I was thinking Lara Trump.

    Would it make a difference?

    • SugarFree

      Loomer is a crazy Trump Twix personality who probably does as much harm as good for Trump’s campaign.

      (Like used to be in a mental institution type crazy.)

      • Urthona

        I think she’s the one who started the Casey DeSantis faked cancer rumors.

        Just a top notch human being.

      • SugarFree

        Yes, I think so too. And she might have been origin of calling DeSantis short and lifting because he wore cowboy boots.

      • Suthenboy

        I hadn’t heard the fake cancer thing. After all the lunacy I have heard for the last decade and a half that seems like pretty weak tea.
        Huh…tea…now that I think about it it feels like time for a cup of Earl Grey

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Even MTG thinks she is over the top.

    • Suthenboy

      The incest thing? I thought that was just Creepy Joe.

      • juris imprudent

        I was confusing her with Kimberly Guilfoyle – who also seems a bit unhinged.

      • Lackadaisical

        At least she’s hotter.

      • Suthenboy

        “…unhinged…”
        There seems to be a lot of that going around these days.

  5. Fourscore

    “queer-o fagbabies” will not be the name of my band, since it’s already been spoken for.

    A little change of pace, SF, I needed that after trying to avoid the politics of the day.

    Society seems not to have improved even without my participation.

    • Suthenboy

      Society…evil….both get along just fine without my help and they will have to keep on with it.
      I cant stop the shit-slinging so I just try to dodge it when it comes my way.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    It’s crazy people, all the way down.

  7. juris imprudent

    The hat laughed dutifully.

    Hmm, sounds Stalinesque.

    The hair just didn’t know what to say.

    Truth.

  8. Mojeaux

    Husband buys me nice (expensive) stuff, then protests when I do the same back to him. WTF.

    • juris imprudent

      He wants to spoil you a little. That isn’t reciprocal.

      • WTF

        JI gets it.

    • Suthenboy

      Why do some men open doors for women?
      It’s not because they think you are weak and cant do it yourself. It is symbolic act where he is telling you he needs you to need him.
      Same here. I finally relented last Bday and let her buy me a new holster.

  9. The Other Kevin

    “Bad idea, Donald,” the hair said. “45% of TikTok users are gay-to-supergay, and 80% are on the trans spectrum.”

    I needed this today. 🙂

    • Mojeaux

      “45% of TikTok users are gay-to-supergay, and 80% are on the trans spectrum.”

      Otherkin is on the trans spectrum, right?

      • WTF

        Aren’t they just furries?

      • SugarFree

        Soul furries.

      • Not Adahn

        Otakukin!

      • UnCivilServant

        I thought they were just Weeb-adjacent deviants.

      • SugarFree

        “In a past life I was an anime nerd.”

      • Mojeaux

        See: futanari anime.

    • Urthona

      There’s a trans spectrum eh?

      I only like to wear high heels.

      • db

        Everyone is trans

      • juris imprudent

        [J. Edgar nods from the beyond]

      • Suthenboy

        We are?
        Why am I always the last one to find out about all of the shit I have been up to?

    • Gender Traitor

      Still needs to disqualify Willis and Wade.

    • Sensei

      Please. CNN is on it already. Headline:

      “Judge dismisses some Trump Georgia election subversion charges but leaves most of the case intact”

  10. Lackadaisical

    “Buncha queer-o fagbabies.”

    When he’s right, he’s right.

  11. db

    “Down’s-hop is really hot right now,” the hat said. “You’ll be president again if you add a chromosome.”

    OMFG amazing

  12. The Late P Brooks

    Loomer is a crazy Trump Twix personality who probably does as much harm as good for Trump’s campaign.

    She validates the worst hysterical fever dreams of the progressives who have placed trump on the Altar of Moloch?

  13. Not Adahn

    Was The Hair ever a topknot? Maybe a forelock?

    • The Other Kevin

      Yes, and he was on Samson’s head back in the day.

      This sounds like it could be an episode or even a song.

    • juris imprudent

      I thought The Hair was both a color and texture that was completely un-natural?

      • SugarFree

        The Hair Color Out Of Space

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Sick burn

    “It must be demoralizing walking into your first week in a new job knowing that you’re boarding a sinking ship. So, as newly elected Trump loyalists Michael Whatley and Lara Trump start as chair and co-chair of the RNC, we wanted to send them something to raise their spirits even if it doesn’t fix their abysmal fundraising numbers,” DNC rapid response director Alex Floyd said in a statement.

    “Lucky for them, this piggy bank isn’t just a great tool to teach basic fiscal responsibility – it’s also plastic, so it’ll be the last thing the Republican Party has that isn’t broken past the point of repair by November,” Floyd said.

    Our nation is being “led” by a bunch of junior high mean girls.

    • Sean

      🙄

    • WTF

      The DNC lecturing someone about fiscal responsibility?
      That’s rich.

    • Suthenboy

      An admission that elections are up for sale to the highest bidder?

      • Suthenboy

        Soon to come: “We bought this election fair and square. Trump is a violent thug worse than Hitler who will destroy democracy. We refuse to certify the election and we are going to burn down every city in the country.”

      • R.J.

        Oh yes. I expect them to not certify the election.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Plan in motion. Repubs quitting early in Dem states, Dem gov drag feet leaving the balance of Congress in Dem’s hands…

      • Sean

        I don’t see how to read it otherwise.

    • The Other Kevin

      The new people at the RNC know they are there to right the ship. Meanwhile, we’ve had a few rats jump from the Biden admin this week. I guess time will tell.

      • R.J.

        I see it as a big net positive for the repubs. That ship was already sank at the bottom of the ocean, weighted down with non-conservatives. If they are ever to become a conservative party again, they have to fire away. 60+ people I think is a good first start, there is a ton of work to do. The repubs have just been “progressives driving in the slow lane” for a long damn time. Let’s see if they can become an actual opposition party.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        Yeah the GOP isn’t as far gone as the Tories across the pond are, they are pretty much a carbon copy of Labor at this point.

      • Suthenboy

        That is going to take a lot of righting.

        Someone here said a few days ago “…the republicans have bargained our country away and conservatives have conserved nothing.” I think that sums it up nicely.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      “Our nation is being ‘led’ by a bunch of junior high mean girls.” And that includes most of the media.

      “Can you believe what Trump said today? So rude. I can’t even.”

  15. Sensei

    Paul Alexander, forced into an iron lung by polio in 1952, dies at 78

    I remember reading an interview about him. He was having trouble getting wear items (the collar around his neck) and had a motor failure that almost killed him. From memory I think two people were exhausted to the point where they couldn’t keep manually pumping his iron lung.

    OTH – the obsoleting of the iron lung is a good thing.

    https://www.npr.org/2024/03/13/1238251518/iron-lung-polio-paul-alexander

    • UnCivilServant

      It wasn’t a bad solution for the technology available at the time it was created.

  16. Ownbestenemy

    It seems they found the perfect boogie man to really hammer the 1st Amendment with…TikTok. Anyone dare speaking out against a ban is automatically a CCP asslicker. And as always, thanks SF for another fun episode where I didn’t need to clean my keyboard.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      You find the other episodes so erotic that you need to clean your keyboard? That’s sick.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Wait, doesn’t everybody else?

      • bacon-magic

        Like, with a cloth?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      This precedent will be used to make all social media companies fall in line or be sold out from under whoever owns it. Anyone who’s high fiving over this because they hate the CCP is a goddamn fool. Fucking unbelievable…

      • The Other Kevin

        Like anything, the Dems have hijacked this and twisted it to their own wet dream. I believe the bill as written allows the government to decide that a web site or app is spreading disinformation, and then force the sale of it. So they could immediately get rid of X, National Review, The Federalist, Free Press, Red State, even Glibs.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Yep, and the Repub retards were only too happy to vote for it. This is a disaster.

    • Sensei

      Rand Paul for the win!

      https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/4527989-rand-paul-proposed-tiktok-ban-makes-no-sense/

      “TikTok is banned in China,” Paul said. “We’re thinking – or people who want to ban it are thinking – Wow, we’re going to really defeat the Chinese communists, by becoming Chinese authoritarians and banning it in our country? TikTok is banned in China. So, we’re going to emulate the Chinese communists by banning it in our country?”

      • Fatty Bolger

        Rand is one of the few congresscritters I actually enjoy listening to. Sadly, his speeches are usually falling on deaf (and stupid) ears.

    • Suthenboy

      CCP does not have first amendment rights. in fact, they openly scorn individual rights in general.
      We can keep the CCP out without endangering our own first amendment rights. Dont say people cant use the platform, just prevent the platform from being accessed here. The CCP does it, the Euroweenies do it etc. No reason we cant.
      Cant tell Americans to shut up but damned sure can tell the Chinks to shut up.

      • Sensei

        They do that by geoblocking. Something people with money and knowledge get around by using things like VPNs.

        Do you really want the US to start prohibiting you from accessing parts of the internet?

      • Suthenboy

        Of course I dont and I am not necessarily advocating for it.
        Freedom’s Achilles heel has long been recognized: the ability of Freedom’s enemies to have free rein/reign (?) in the war of ideas.
        It has been wrestled with over and over using a number of approaches and we still haven’t worked it out.
        Like everyone else, I dont have a good answer nor am I wedded to any particular strategy. It’s just a problem, that part I know.

      • Fatty Bolger

        We have won. What you’re proposing sounds more like snatching defeat from the jaws of victory to me.

      • Brochettaward

        I mean, America has won. How free America has been while winning is up for debate and by debate I mean we’ve basically become fascists run by self-important little twerps who live up their own ass.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Well, we’re not going to become more free by acting more like China or the euroweenies.

  17. Brochettaward

    Saw some talk about the Bitcoins going to 72k this morning.

    The halving event is coming April 19th. From there, there has always been a price correction before Bitcoin goes on its real upward cycle. The reason is that smaller Bitcoin miners are forced out of the market. People talk themselves in circles on these topics, but this is what I’m banking on. Even if I’m wrong and I have to buy in at 80k or something, that’s a small loss for a potentially big gain.

    Bitcoin as a long term investment is looking very sound to me. It’s been legitimized. It’s being institutionalized, for better or worse.

    • R.J.

      Yep. And like I said, if we both go broke I still have an envelope with money in it to buy dinner.

  18. UnCivilServant

    I had an ongoing conundrum with regards to my next electronics project. The output devices I bought have a driver module to handle storing the larger amount of data they can display. There are existing libraries to use these with the microcontroller CPUs I’m using, but the storage and memory resources required were higher than what any of the through-hole chips had. The surface-mount chips had the resources but I could only easily load software onto them via a USB debugger module. With the through-hole chips, these debuggers are socketted so I can swap out the chips after programming them, but the surface mount versions are soldered to the board.

    I’ve figured out a method that should allow me to load code onto the surface mount chips and swap them, but it requires A: designing a custom circuit board, and B: learning to solder surface mount components.

    So I think instead of going onto the thermometer, my next project will be degisgning and building some of these swappable modules so I can program the more powerful microcontrollers in my home setup. (The debugging stage requires updating the code repeatedly…)

    It should be interesting. I may need to acquire a hot air soldering station for it.

    • R.J.

      Those look really cool. I always used a soldering iron and a squeeze bulb (later a proper manual vacuum tool). I’d like to hear about the results.

      • UnCivilServant

        I do plan to keep writing articles about these projects. The six clock articles are waiting for scheduling.

      • UnCivilServant

        I know digital logic. So I’m working from what I know into what I don’t know.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    Bitcoin as a long term investment is looking very sound to me.

    Okay, then.

    • Fourscore

      Tulips, son, tulips. That’s where the future is.

    • Gender Traitor

      😿

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Poor kitty.

    I saw that this morning. Bummer.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    TikTok is banned in China. So, we’re going to emulate the Chinese communists by banning it in our country?

    I maintain a position of obdurate ignorance about this stuff, but what “valuable personal information” is tiktok hoovering up, other than users’ tastes in clothes and music? Are people posting the plans for their backyard particle accelerators on tiktok?

    • Brochettaward

      This bill isn’t about Tiktok. It’s about regaining control over the socials after Musk regained Twitter. The commie hysteria is just the excuse the right will use to sell their willingness to go along. You have to tell the rubes who vote for you something as they their views restricted across all social media at the behest of the Dems and media.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Insanely shortsighted on the Republicans’ part.

      • Sean

        This surprises you how?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I’m not so much surprised as exasperated.

      • The Other Kevin

        Those idiots are still under the impression that Dems are capable of doing things in good faith.

      • Brochettaward

        Nah. They are just coopted by the intelligence agencies. And by coopted, I mean fully compromised.

        I don’t for a second believe that most of the guys with R’s after their names are ignorant as to how this will be used. They just don’t care. Just like how the Twitter files were ignored in DC.

      • Brochettaward

        The good news is this won’t survive the Supreme Court.

      • Suthenboy

        Like the patriot act?
        I have zero faith in the system at this point.

  22. Sean

    Huh. Apparently if my alarm goes off on my Jeep, it will email me about it.

    • SugarFree

      “Help me, Sean. Gooners are in me right now. They’re edging, Sean, EDGING. I’ll never be clean again! NEVER!”

    • R.J.

      Yeah, first six months. After that you have to activate the service to use it. I do so on long road trips, otherwise I leave it off. It’s cool to know your car is still in the hotel parking lot, where you left it, and that you can remotely lock doors, etc… if you think you forgot. Nice that Jeep lets you turn it on for a month and then cancel next month. Dodge did that too.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    Our government is having conniptions over tiktok. Meanwhile the Ukrainians are launching attacks on Russian soil, presumably with weapons we either supplied them with directly or provided the funds with which they were obtained.

    Nothing to see here.

  24. Sensei

    Whoever the district or regional manager here is needs a PIP.

    Dollar General store briefly shuts down after entire staff quits over 7-day workweeks, ‘lack of appreciation’

    As the manager, she could only allot her staff so many paid hours per week. Thus, if there was more work to be done but there wasn’t enough money to schedule other staffers to do it, Tribolet was the one to fill that gap.

    “Until Friday night when we walked away, this weekend was my first time off since Christmas,” Tribolet told Spectrum, adding that she’s taking a mental break before finding a new gig.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    Freedom’s Achilles heel has long been recognized: the ability of Freedom’s enemies to have free rein/reign (?) in the war of ideas.
    It has been wrestled with over and over using a number of approaches and we still haven’t worked it out.

    When you become the very thing you claim to be fighting against, you have lost.

    • Suthenboy

      True, but not a solution.

    • Brochettaward

      We have to smother free speech in its sleep in order to save democracy. It makes perfect sense if you are a moron.

      At every turn, what they accuse their enemies of is what the uniparty is engaged in.

  26. bacon-magic

    I clicked on the “song” link. WTAF.

    • SugarFree

      You quote all of America.

    • Sean

      Yeah. Don’t do that.

  27. DEG

    “Get her out of here, she’s started licking the carpet.”

    These euphemisms.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Something tells me there may be more to the story than that. What exactly was canceled, anyway? It’s still going to be on X.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        Yeah I am very confused.

      • R.J.

        Me too. Wake me up for dinner, otherwise I’ll sleep through this decade.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        His “partnership” with X was canceled, whatever that means exactly. Maybe my use of shitcanned wasn’t the best descriptor.