A Little Cracky For a Rainy Morning

by | Apr 10, 2024 | Cracky! | 141 comments

“Cracky isn’t real!” Dr. Biden screamed.

Hunter, suspended from the ceiling, let out an agonized howl.

“Le-le-leave the boy alone, Jill,” Joe said.

“He has to learn!” Dr. Biden growled, poking at Hunter with a broomstick. “He can’t keep living in rafters and fuck tunnels and ducking subpoenas.”

“Cracky!” Hunter cried, “CRACKY!”

“He hasn’t smoked crack in nearly six hours, Grandma,” Finnegan said. “Maybe we should let him have just a little bit.”

“A little dab’ll do ya!” Hunter said in his Cracky voice. Projected, it sounded like it was coming from inside Dr. Biden’s hideous purse.

“More!” Hunter said.

“More!” Cracky said.

“More!” Karine said, pissing herself, drunk on the Oval Office settee.

“More?” Joe asked, his face smeared with oat milk ice cream.

Jill sighed and dumped Cracky out onto Joe’s desk. “We have an election to run,” she said tiredly and walked out of the room.

Hunter descended from the ceiling, ropes and pulleys creaking, and snatched up his beloved Cracky, crying.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

141 Comments

  1. db

    Dr. Biden’s hideous Purse

    • mikey

      But it matches the sofa!

      • Fourscore

        I laughed, for a reason

  2. juris imprudent

    poking at Hunter with a broomstick

    She’s smarter than we usually give her credit for.

    • Drake

      She is a doctor afterall.

  3. Not Adahn

    “He has to learn!” Dr. Biden growled, poking at Hunter with a broomstick. “He can’t keep living in rafters and fuck tunnels and ducking subpoenas.”

    Sez who?

  4. The Late P Brooks

    Cracky looks like a little nugget of happiness.

  5. Not Adahn

    “More!” Karine said, pissing herself drunk, on the Oval Office settee.

    Assuming that this settee is in the OO rather than just from the OO, does that room have rafters?

    Besides, I thought Hunter lived in mirrors.

    • Timeloose

      I thought it he lived behind the drapes, with just his Sam Smiths showing at the bottom and an outline of a bulge in the material at a yard from the floor.

      Like a much worse version of Mudds wife without the correct programming.

      https://youtu.be/2FGgHEKko3E

      THING, THIng, ….thing.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    What this country needs is a plentiful supply of Victory Cracky to keep the proles distracted and in line.

  7. Aloysious

    Hunter, suspended from the ceiling…

    This makes me wonder just how much bondage, how many rope games take place in the Oral Office.

    BARF.

    • db

      Says the guy who’s never been summoned to the White House to do his duty as a citizen

      • Aloysious

        And thank goodness for that.

        If I ever received such a summons, I’d have to run to the hills. I’d have to run for my life.

      • Grummun
    • Ted S.

      Creosote Achilles for President!

  8. The Late P Brooks

    “He has to learn!” Dr. Biden growled, poking at Hunter with a broomstick.

    It’s a little late for that, isn’t it, Doktor Grandma?

  9. The Late P Brooks

    Is Hunter really Peter Pan?

  10. Aloysious

    “More?” Joe asked, his face smeared with oat milk ice cream.

    Joe, you potato head, iced oat milk isn’t ice cream.

    Brandons perfidy knows no bounds.

  11. The Other Kevin

    Cracky IS real. He lives in a special place in all of our hearts.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Cracky is the friends we made along the way.

      • Not Adahn

        And in the end, isn’t that the real Cracky?

  12. The Late P Brooks

    I just got around to reading Juris’ nuclear disarmament link from the morning thread. Outstanding. Swift would approve, I think.

    Bring back the fields of Flanders.

    • prolefeed

      Not throwing large numbers of cannon fodder into wars where they would die en masse, due to nuclear deterrence, is “white privilege”?

      And the scary part of global thermonuclear war would be the climate change?

      WTF is wrong with this sociopath?

      • Fatty Bolger

        It’s satire.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yes. The part at the end where it specifically says it’s satire kind of gives it away.

      • whiz

        I saw that too, but you must admit that it is hard to wade through the whole thing.

      • Grummun

        I certainly bailed out at “white privilege”.

  13. Fourscore

    Family reunions at the Bidens sound like the good times. Surprised that I never got an invitation.

  14. Brochettaward

    The sons-a-bitches are trying to cancel Stallone!

    The claims against Stallone that sparked discussion among background actors were ampified on social media by TV writer Julie Benson (“Star Trek: Prodigy”). On April 8, Benson posted two screenshots on X and wrote: “Got this disturbing news from my Atlanta friend who’s background on Tulsa King this wk. Casting agent quit because she was so disgusted. My friend is feeling anxious about working now.@TheSlyStallone what do you have to say for yourself, sir? Beyond disappointed, I’m livid.”

    The screenshots contained a Facebook post with a blurred user name, recounting an allegation that Stallone was heard saying to the show’s director “What the F*** is happening with these F****** ugly background,” meaning the extras in a scene. It went on to say, “He and the director proceeded to call certain people terrible names and laughed at them,” giving specifics. And then, “Sly said, ‘Bring in pretty young girls to be around me.’”

    Where the fuck does some cunt writer for a godawful animated Kurtzman Trek show get the gull to call out Sylvester Stallone for anything?

    • UnCivilServant

      I mean, he wanted attractive people, not DEI-approved uggos, the Monster!

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      He didn’t like the Target models they recruited for the show?

    • Fatty Bolger

      No ugly people in the movies, this isn’t England, people!

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Wot?

    • Not Adahn

      Star Trek: whatthefucknow?

      • UnCivilServant

        A YA animated series filled with all the Woke approved archetypes.

      • Not Adahn

        I’m pretty sure everything after DS9 were all corrupted universes created after Worf went to that bat’leth tournament.

      • UnCivilServant

        I don’t know what’s sadder – that headcanon, or the fact that I fully understood your position.

      • Not Adahn

        Here’s one for you — I couldn’t remember how to spell “bat’leth,” so I let the autocorrect handle it. Which it did.

      • Fatty Bolger

        That’s disgusting.

      • Brochettaward

        Julie Benson, the writer in question, is surprisingly a would.

    • Suthenboy

      Yeah, whatever. As I recall Stallone was diagnosed as a conduct disorder as a child…i.e. what they call sociopaths before they are adults. If you catch them early enough and start flogging…as they did him…morale improves.

  15. Sensei

    Mostly on topic! NYT – Biden’s State Dinner for Japan to Feature Paul Simon and Celebrate Spring

    Paul Simon… Mind you I like Paul Simon, but perfectly Biden age appropriate.

    • Sensei

      Omake

      “An elevated California roll and steak with sesame sabayon will be among the dishes presented to Prime Minister Fumio Kishida of Japan at the state dinner on Wednesday.”

      Sure, let’s serve him Americanized Japanese food too!

      • juris imprudent

        As sharp as these folks are it is almost a surprise they didn’t have BLACKPINK on tap for entertainment.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        It’s fusion, dammit!

    • juris imprudent

      I thought the former Senator from Illinois had been dead for years.

      • Sensei

        Just decomposing.

      • Not Adahn

        Speaking of,

        I was listening to an article on human composting and my knee-jerk response was of course to reject it as being woke virtue-signaling. But the more I thought about it, the better of an idea it seems. Especially because unlike cremation, the bones don’t get ground up afterwards and can be placed in a nice ossuary. If I were the sort of person with a spacious estate and heirs and such, I’d think that would be a nice way to have a family mausoleum for the bony bits and the plant food part added to the orchard/ganja field/coca plantation.

      • Grummun

        Relevant to family ossuaries.

        Someone on this board recommended that series, and for that I thank them.

      • Beau Knott

        It may have been me. I enthusiastically echo the recommendation if it wasn’t 😉
        Harrow the Ninth is also excellent. Nona the Ninth opens many cans of worms and is both appropriate to the series and distinctly different from the first two.
        With any luck, we’ll see the final book, Alecto the Ninth, by year’s end.

      • Grummun

        As I mentioned on the morning thread in the context of Ellroy, my memory for names is not great. So by the end of Nona, I was a little confused.

        The running flashbacks did really firm up my thinking that, while I’m not sure I’m rooting for the Edenists, I am hoping that John loses hard.

      • Beau Knott

        Yeah, I think we all were. I’m waiting to do a re-read of the first 3 until we have a firm date for #4.

      • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

        Wasn’t that a point of some SF novel, Speaker for the Dead maybe?

      • prolefeed

        That seems like a good way to avoid paying a funeral home. Not sure if allowed in every jurisdiction.

  16. juris imprudent

    So Democrats are opposed to FISA renewal? I would imagine a few Repubs defecting wouldn’t matter to the bi-partisan support for the national-security-surveillance-state.

    In related news – you ALL can just STFU. You have no special moral authority.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      I am surprised that TEAM BLUE is willing to surrender one of the many tools they can use to suppress opposition and that TEAM RED is willing to let “tHe TERrrrist ™” win.

  17. JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

    I’m surprised Finnegan was the one to suggest giving Hunter a piece of Cracky.

    • Compelled Speechless

      She’s probably the one who’s had to deal with him the most during withdrawals.

      • SugarFree

        Once you’ve seen your dad shitting in a bucket you try to avoid a repeat.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Unless of course you’re Tori Spelling’s kid of course. Then it’s apparently just a daily ritual. (From yesterday afternoon’s dead thread)

    • UnCivilServant

      So, it wasn’t attached my the ship’s armorer? Or was it attached by the ship’s armorer and there’s more to the story?

      • Compelled Speechless

        The ship’s armorer was vetted though. They had a recommendation letter from Alec Baldwin.

    • Sensei

      That is a DPRK and Kim Jong Un level photo.

    • db

      I’m just surprised that the USS McCain hasn’t caught on fire and nearly sunk due to an accidental discharge

    • EvilSheldon

      My gun friends are passing this one around like a stripper at a Hells Angels party.

      • EvilSheldon

        Apparently the Marines have gotten an official Twitter dig in already. If I was that armorer, I would really be thinking about going UA in outer Mongolia and changing my name…

      • db

        Yes, but if the Captain knew thing one about guns and optics, he’d have handed the gun back to whoever gave it to him and said “this scope doesn’t work”

      • db

        I mean, anyone who’s ever looked through a telescope, let alone a rifle scope, would know something is wrong.

      • EvilSheldon

        I mean, we’re talking about a fleet Captain here…

      • Timeloose

        I suspect the “optics” of this picture are the root of the problem. By the way my favorite comment:

        “Maybe the scope identifies as correctly mounted?”

    • kinnath

      He actually fired the rifle in that condition.

      • Not Adahn

        You see, shooting with a magnified optic is no challenge. He’s so badass he needs a REDUCING optic!

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        The White House just called. They really like your messaging and would like to speak with you.

      • Compelled Speechless

        The question is, is he drunk frequently enough to replace Blackberry?

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Squiddies are not renowned for their mastery of small arms.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Sure, let’s serve him Americanized Japanese food too!

    Will there be fortune cookies?

  19. Brochettaward

    Every article or video I’ve seen on the Arizona abortion decision derisively describes it as a 150 year old law or a Civil War-era law as if that invalidates it on its face. It’s funny because you will often see pro-abortionists try and argue that there was no historical tradition banning abortions. But I’m crazy to even expect the slightest bit of intellectual consistency.

    No one tell the left how old laws against murder are.

    • UnCivilServant

      They’ll just assert Hammurabi was a person of color.

      • juris imprudent

        Semites are like Hispanics – they can be white when convenient.

    • The Other Kevin

      I don’t understand the controversy. After Roe v Wade was overturned, that old law came back into effect. So the state legislature needs to pass an updated law if they so desire. Very much like tons of other states passed their own laws after the decision. Am I making this too simple?

      • kinnath

        Am I making this too simple?

        Yes

      • UnCivilServant

        I wonder how many of these people think a supreme court ruling removes the law from the books.

      • Compelled Speechless

        My wife heard about this law on the CBS Morning Propaganda Hour this morning and she was in a huff (despite being mostly pro-life) since we just moved to AZ. I explained it to her in exactly the same way. Roe gone, old law now in affect. New law will be written, but will become a political football used to grandstand and maximize campaign contributions for the state legislature .

        She responded, that shouldn’t happen because the law is obviously old and stupid. I asked her if she thinks judges should just be able to invalidate laws if they don’t like them and she stormed off.

        Civics classes in high school are beyond useless.

      • prolefeed

        An even snarkier response:

        “So you’re OK with conservative judges invalidating any ancient law they don’t like … such as Roe v. Wade? Or would this be a power reserved only for judges who are registered Democrats?”

      • Compelled Speechless

        She’s conservative (and by that I mean she was raised conservative so she just follows along and doesn’t really think about it.) She pays almost no attention to news except a couple of times a year she’ll start a kick of watching those stupid morning shows. I tell her all corporate news is pure propaganda and she’ll agree and then say “but I want to know what’s going on in the world.” A week later, she can’t take their bullshit anymore and gives up. Anyway, I was floored that she cared at all.

      • Drake

        How old are the laws against polygamy?

    • prolefeed

      “No one tell the left how old laws against murder are.”

      In Arizona, for some murders … 1860.

      /socon

  20. The Late P Brooks

    The part at the end where it specifically says it’s satire kind of gives it away.

    I started thinking “Swift” before I was halfway through.

    • juris imprudent

      No amount of hope can change what history and human nature have, for at least five thousand years, shown to be true.

      Wrong! My theory and my feels really are more important than your facts and logic! /most any idiot-leftie of the day

      • Compelled Speechless

        Don’t talk to Brooks like that. Shake it off Brooksie.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    Nyah nyah nyah

    Donald Trump’s financial house of cards is beginning to collapse.

    The Republican presidential nominee, who’s made his personal wealth central to his candidacy since 2016, has fallen off the Bloomberg Billionaires Index. The list is a daily ranking of the 500 richest people in the world, and as of Tuesday, Trump no longer qualifies.

    I think those people are more obsessed with Trump’s net worth than he is.

    • SugarFree

      Lefties like New Republic cannot grasp that people like Trump because they hate the New Republic types so much.

      • Not Adahn

        Someone here wrote (paraphrasing) “Trump is a flaming bag of dogshit left on the porch of the PMC.”

    • juris imprudent

      daily ranking

      Can’t tell the players without the score card.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    I proudly claim authorship of “Trump is the giant flaming bag of dogshit America threw on Washington’s front porch.”

  23. The Late P Brooks

    I, for one, am completely baffled by the persistence of unexpectedly high inflation indicators.

    • juris imprudent

      Psst – it’s just the media trying to tip the scales toward Trump.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        GREED-SHRINKIE-DINKY-FLATION!!!

  24. The Late P Brooks


    Psst – it’s just the media trying to tip the scales toward Trump.

    t’s true. Just look at all those conservatives-in-moderates’-clothing at NPR.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    I wonder how many of these people think a supreme court ruling removes the law from the books.

    Every law should come with an expiration date. At minimum, any law not actively enforced in a specified time period should be deemed unnecessary and administratively appealed by default.

    • Sensei

      If nobody was ever prosecuted over a law than that means it worked and stopped bad things from happening!

      /s Prog

      • Compelled Speechless

        You’re not even joking. That would be a real argument they would make. That magic law paper works wonders!

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      But Michael Flynn wouldn’t have been investigated under The Logan Act, which was passed in 1799,

      If he wasn’t investigated then he wouldn’t have lied to the FBI about colluding with the Russians. And be prosecuted for that.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    Stupid brain. That should read “… deemed unnecessary and administratively REpealed by default.”

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      My cognitive autocorrect smoothed that one out for me seamlessly.

      The amount of post-processing our brains do is fascinating/horrifying to me.

  27. Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

    <blockquote[CONFIRMED] Irish Media ADMITS to Antifa-Linked ‘Undercover’ Operations To Stage False Flag; BBC Involved?

    Newstalk (one of Ireland’s largest media companies) admitted they sent a team to an Irish anti-immigration protest in a statement to Gript (Ireland’s largest independent Irish news platform). A Newstalk journalist involved contacted Irish conservative activist Andy Heasman, denying that they had been working with Antifa. Newstalk are contradicting themselves in several different ways, but it doesn’t matter: whichever version you believe, it shows the massive bias the company has and the underhanded tactics it pursues.

    The main journalist on the story works with the BBC and the lost phone showed contact with them about unrelated work. The day after the Coolock incident, the BBC showed up to the Coolock protest. What was the BBC’s role?

    In their statement to Gript, Newstalk admitted: Their team were doing an “undercover investigation” on right-leaning politics in Ireland. The Newstalk team went undercover to “engage in counter protest” against a group of families opposed to a migrant centre in their neighbourhood. They got beaten up and lost their phones. When asked if there were unaffiliated people at the “protest”, they gave no comment. Separately, this morning Andy Heasman posted what he said are screenshots with one of the Newstalk team. The journalist claims to have not been “colluding” with Antifa

    https://www.theburkean.ie/articles/2024/04/09/confirmed-irish-media-admits-to-antifa-linked-undercover-operations-to-stage-false-flag-bbc-involved

    Pretty much what we see over here in the states, but, at this point the Irish aren’t playing the game anymore, they are angry that migrants are being housed there, when there is a serious housing shortage for locals, that they are being lied too, and that the EU is pushing this, and now that it has been confirmed that NGO’s, the BBC, and Anitfa are working together.

    • Pine_Tree

      Wasn’t there a popular book a few years back called “How the Irish Saved Civilization”?

      Maybe we’ll see ’em do it again.

      • juris imprudent

        Why yes and this is probably why you recall that. 😉

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Between this and the NPR guy coming out and saying what everyone without terminal TDS knew already, it is nice to know that I am not going (completely) insane.

    • juris imprudent

      Wait – I thought Newstalk was Baked Penguin’s SNP cartoon news organization?

      • Timeloose

        SNP: “It is!!!! Bahhhaaa!!!”

      • Grummun

        Newish, I think.

      • Grummun

        Newsish. Jeebus.

      • Not Adahn

        Newsish?

      • rhywun

        LGBTQIA+

        I defy the author of that piece to define every letter there. There seem to be one or two extra.

        PS. I love how the sidebar specifically changes it to just “trans”. That speaks volumes.

  28. Spartacus

    It’s that time of year…yesterday, I got an email from one of my (female) calculus students: “Hi, we are getting to the end of the semester and my grade is not where I would like it to be, are their [sic] any extra credit assignments that I can complete to boost my grade?” Needless to say, she has not done any of the three extra credit assignments I have already offered to the class.

    Here’s my response, (which I chickened out and decided not to send): “Be at my office at midnight. Bring knee pads, spackle, a tiara, a freshly-killed sparrow, and 2 quarts of banana pudding.”

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Retake the class.

      • Spartacus

        She’s passing, just not getting a GPA-boosting grade.
        I sent her a very professional reply which stated that any additional extra credit opportunities, beyond the ones they have already had, would be offered to the entire class, and would be publicly announced. I also said not to expect any more.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        “Pray I do not alter the deal further.”

      • Gender Traitor

        As long as your reply didn’t include any emojis!

    • Ted S.

      Respond with the 🤷‍♂️ emoji.

      • kinnath

        late to the party

  29. The Late P Brooks

    15year old boys in dresses take every one of their spots on the national team?

    I wouldn’t mind sharing a nice hot relaxing shower with some of those girls. Rawr.

    • rhywun

      What’s the etiquette for asking a potential mate what equipment they have? Most people don’t like surprises.

      • EvilSheldon

        “Regular, or extra crispy?”

      • Ted S.

        Y9u don’t want to be surprised by your partner’s superfluous third testicle?

      • Sean

        Don’t be a genital fetishist.

      • Not Adahn

        Having sex with genital fetishists is my fetish.

      • bacon-magic

        Don’t be a genital fascist. *fify

      • prolefeed

        Dunno about etiquette, but it would seem kinda risky to surprise someone you’ve just met with that bit of info in bed. Common sense would say voluntaruly disclose it before it becomes … relevant.

        Tho I didn’t volunteer to Mrs. Prole when I met her that I was technically married, at the time, to someone who lived a couple thousand miles away. I waited for it to come up in conversation. Took her months.

  30. The Late P Brooks

    “Across the country, human rights are being stripped away. LGBTQ+ rights are human rights. Trans rights are human rights,” the statement continued.

    Ole!

    • kinnath

      You have the right to live your life as you choose. You have no right to expect anyone else to respect your choice.

    • db

      Gun rights are the Debbil!