Joemala: Episode 213

by | Apr 3, 2024 | Joemala | 117 comments

 

“W-w-why are everyone mad at me, is mad at me about Easter? I love Easter! Hard-boiled eggs and chocolate bunnies, a-a-and, well, all the rest,” Joe said.

“Proclaiming the Trans Day of Visibility on Easter angered the incel alt-right meanie-pants KKK hate types,” Finnegan said.

Her father, Hunter, burped loudly and longfully from the filthy dog bed he was curled up in and staggered to his feet to do a Jeffy-wander to the bathroom, mumbling what might have been words.

“Trans what of what?” Joe asked.

“Trans Day of Visibility, Grandpa. You know, trans people, like Dr. Levine.”

“I don’t like him,” Joe said.

“Her. You don’t like her,” Finnegan said.

Joe locked up, freezing in place. Finnegan waited impatiently for him to reset.

The toilet flushed loudly and Hunter shuffled back into The Oval Office. He looked at Joe, waved his hand in front of his face a few times.

“What now?” Hunter asked Finnegan as he plopped back into his dog bed.

“Trans Day of Visibility,” Finnegan said with a theatrical sigh.

“I told ya’ll not to send that,” he said, lighting a cigarette and scratching himself.

“It was the Trans Day of Visibility whether we sent out a proclamation or not.”

“Easter. You knew it was Easter,” Hunter said tiredly. “Don’t fuck with people’s holidays.”

“We couldn’t stay silent. Silence is violence. If even a single day passes without mentioning trans people, it’s a genocide. A day-by-day genocide.”

“Fucking Gen Z,” Hunter said and then used his teeth to pry a rhomboidal hunk off Cracky.

“Like Gen X has been the best role model,” she said, watching him pack a glass stem and search for his crème brûlée torch.

“It was an own goal, baby girl,” he said.

“The intern that did it has been has been dealt with,” Finnegan said.

“But the damage is done.”

“Republicans pounce. That’s just what they do.”

“I like Easter,” Joe said, able to move and speak again. “I like ham. It’s just not Easter without ham.”

“Maybe that’s what you should have proclaimed instead,” Hunter said and then took a huge hit of his glass pipe.

“That would have gone over great on Ramadan,” Finnegan said.

Hunter blew out a fat cloud of white smoke in Joe’s direction. Powerful fans kicked on and sucked the smoke away, venting it out through the roof of the White House like a papal conclave.

“And the Jews,” Hunter said after a fit of coughing. “Jews hate ham.”

“They aren’t exactly fans of Easter either.”

“There’s ham?’ Joe asked, licking his lips with a gray tongue.

“You proclaimed it Tubesteak Day of Tubesteaking, Dad,” Hunter said, leaning back into a rush of pleasure lapping at his thighs and thews like a giant dog.

“Trans Day of Visibility,” Finnegan grated.

“I didn’t do that,” Joe said.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

117 Comments

  1. Common Tater

    The real irony is that trans people don’t want to be visible as such.

    • Not Adahn

      You have very specific opinions on what a “real” transpersxn is. Wycome you gatekeep?

      • EvilSheldon

        I think ‘truescum’ is the current trendy term-of-art.

        But yeah, the endless need for attention really underlies the entire trans issue. Hell, it’s the reason that the concept of ‘non-binary’ even exists. Constant attention, constant validation, no effort required.

  2. Not Adahn

    Joe locked up, freezing in place. Finnegan waited impatiently for him to reset.

    *Mwah*

    Also, is Finnie regressing into NPChood?

  3. The Late P Brooks

    “Republicans pounce. That’s just what they do.”

    So unfair- telling people what we said.

  4. Sean

    The crackhead is the most sensible person in the room.

    Sounds about right.

    • Evan from Evansville

      Profoundly this.

  5. The Late P Brooks

    “We couldn’t stay silent. Silence is violence. If even a single day passes without mentioning trans people, it’s a genocide. A day-by-day genocide.”

    Somebody needs to get laid. Repeatedly. By a devoutly apolitical heterosexual.

  6. The Gunslinger

    Excellent and up to the minute, as always.

    -“Hunter blew out a fat cloud of white smoke in Joe’s direction.”-

    I first read that as fart cloud.

    • Evan from Evansville

      …There’s a difference in the what, now?

  7. kinnath

    Thank god we have another Catholic president to look up to.

    • The Other Kevin

      The most devout ever.

  8. The Late P Brooks

    Hell, it’s the reason that the concept of ‘non-binary’ even exists. Constant attention, constant validation, no effort required.

    “If you’re going to ignore me for being A, I’ll be B. Look at me look at me look at me!”

    • rhywun

      Decades of “you’re special!”

      No, you’re not.

      • EvilSheldon

        Truly we are living in the Age of Daddy Issues.

      • Not Adahn

        I am dating a Millennial. Can confirm.

      • That Guy

        As a father of three millennial daughters, I can too.

        I lay the blame squarely on their mother, my ex. I don’t know what she said to them since they no longer speak to me or anyone else on my side of the family. For example, when one of them got married I only found out second hand. My poor mother who saw something on the book of faces, thought that her invitation got lost somehow. Another one of them lives a few minutes from the facility where my father passed away was too busy and couldn’t make the visitation or funeral either. “We weren’t that close” she said. Still another, an officer in the Marine Corps who should know something about duty and honor sent me a text “sorry for your loss”.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        😢

      • Sean

        Damn, that’s cold.

  9. The Other Kevin

    “The toilet flushed loudly and Hunter shuffled back into The Oval Office.”

    That poor Presidential Shitter sure as seen some things.

    • EvilSheldon

      I’m surprised that it hasn’t become a character yet…

      • The Other Kevin

        It could warrant its own episode, but how dark and disturbing would that be? Although a gold plated toilet would make some cool merch.

      • EvilSheldon

        “Can God create a boulder so heavy that He can not lift it?”

        “Can SugarFree create a story so disturbing that He can not finish it?”

      • SugarFree

        Not so far. But the future is a dark highway we travel together.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Not so far… as you know.

        Sometimes these make me black out and leave a blank spot in their place.

        Whole months without a Wednesday.

      • The Other Kevin

        Flushy the Presidential Shitter?

  10. Timeloose

    By the way, what is an own goal?

    “ “It was an own goal, baby girl,” he said”

    • kinnath

      When you put the ball into your own net (goal) in soccer or other similar sports.

      • kinnath

        Scoring one for the other team.

      • Timeloose

        Got it. Thanks.

      • kinnath

        You are welcome.

      • The Other Kevin

        I wish I didn’t have first hand experience of what that means. *sigh*

      • Sean

        *sad trombone*

    • Nephilium

      In my work, they’re referred to as “self inflicted outages”.

  11. The Late P Brooks

    Speaking of trans-mocracy

    Wisconsin Gov. Tony Evers vetoed a bill Tuesday that was passed by the Republican-controlled Legislature to ban high school transgender athletes from competing on teams that align with their gender identity.

    Evers had promised to veto the bill ever since it was introduced. Democrats did not have the votes to stop its passage in the Legislature. He vetoed it in the Capitol surrounded by Democratic lawmakers, transgender advocates, the mayor of Madison and others.

    ——-

    Evers said in his veto message that this type of legislation “harms LGBTQ Wisconsinites’ and kids’ mental health, emboldens anti-LGBTQ harassment, bullying, and violence, and threatens the safety and dignity of LGBTQ Wisconsinites, especially our LGBTQ kids.”

    Evers vowed that as long as he is governor, he will not allow for “radical policies targeting LGBTQ individuals and families and threatening LGBTQ folks’ everyday lives and their ability to be safe, valued, supported, and welcome being who they are.”

    Nothing says “let me live my life in peace” like making a goddam federal case out of forcing your “specialness” on the world around you.

    • creech

      This shit won’t end until Americans get outraged when every U.S. Woman’s team in the Olympics is defeated by bearded “women” playing for countries we dislike (basically all of them).

    • B.P.

      “radical policies”

      …supported by a majority of the public. And it’s not even close…

      https://www.nbcnews.com/nbc-out/out-news/americans-oppose-inclusion-trans-athletes-sports-poll-finds-rcna88940

      “The survey — conducted from May 1 to May 24 via telephone interviews with roughly 1,000 adults living in the U.S. — found that 69% of people say that transgender athletes should only be allowed to compete on sports teams that correspond with the sex they were assigned at birth, compared with 62% in 2021. It also shows that a slightly higher share of Americans, 55%, consider “changing one’s gender” to be more “morally wrong” than in 2021, when it was 51%.”

      Nice job winning hearts and minds there, folks.

      • WTF

        the sex they were assigned at birth

        It’s just “their sex”. It doesn’t fucking get “assigned”, it’s observed as biological reality.

      • Nephilium

        Listen fat, reality has a leftist bias!

        /goes and washes the smugness away

      • The Other Kevin

        The MAGA white nationalists are succeeding in their disinformation campaign. This is why we need Nina and her Mary Poppins songs more than ever.

      • Drake

        Does it matter? How many referendums were passed against gay marriage?

        I was there in 1994 when CA passed Prop 187 with almost 70% of the vote to prohibit state benefits to illegals. A Judge just waved it away. Now the state gives them all kinds of goodies.
        en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/1994_California_Proposition_187

      • Drake

        58.93%

      • B.P.

        Oh sure. I seem to recall that Obamacare didn’t poll well, but we got it anyway. I just marvel at the number of ideas I’m told are radical that actually enjoy majority support.

    • rhywun

      We have to crack a few eggs collarbones to make sure that everyone is “welcome being who they are”.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    The bill proposed to limit high school athletes to playing on teams that match the gender they were assigned at birth.

    Oh, the humanity!

    *not “assigned” you blathering imbecile; detected

  13. The Late P Brooks

    The Wisconsin Interscholastic Athletic Association requires transgender athletes to undergo hormone therapy before they can play on the teams of their choice. The association’s policy is modeled after NCAA requirements for transgender athletes.

    Avery Brundage was an all around asshole, but he knew how to deal with this nonsense.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    All those poor high school girls, desperate for an opportunity to catch a pass going across the middle; their dreams are being shattered by evil Republicans.

  15. Tres Cool

    I can so easily see it in my mind, too.

    ” Powerful fans kicked on and sucked the smoke away, venting it out through the roof of the White House like a papal conclave.”

    • R.J.

      Will a free Morse Code class be offered as well?

  16. Derpetologist

    Spot the Not: Hunter Biden

    1. He once wrecked a rental car while driving to a rehab center. At the time, he was high on crack.

    2. He said the accident was caused when he swerved to avoid hitting a barn owl which suddenly flew in front of him.

    3. His name was exposed as part of the Ashley Madison hack. The purpose of the site was to help married people cheat on their spouses.

    4. He and his current wife have matching tattoos of the Hebrew word for peace.

    5. At Yale, he was briefly a member of the Skull and Bones secret society until he was expelled for defecating on the floor of the clubhouse.

    6. He had a sober streak for seven years and has been to rehab five times.

    • Timeloose

      I’m going with 5 as the not.

      • kinnath

        I’ll go with door number 3.

    • The Gunslinger

      Number 4.
      They are not for peace and probably don’t know Hebrew is a language.

    • Derpetologist

      5 is the not. Bravo, Timeloose.

      I struggled to come up with something both plausible and false about Hunter Biden’s misadventures.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Number 6. HE may have said it was seven years, but there ain’t no way in hell he’s ever went more than a month or two.

      • prolefeed

        He had a sober streak for seven years. Then he had his eighth birthday.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Just buy the place and burn it down

    In August 2023, Bezos dropped $68 million on his first Indian Creek parcel, a nearly three-acre property with a 9,259-square-foot concrete house. Just two months later, he bought the neighboring $79 million Mediterranean-style mansion. With his most recent acquisition, which was done off-market, the Blue Origin founder owns an estimated total of $177 million in property on the Biscayne Bay island.

    Per listing records, the current structure was built in 2002. According to the New York Post, Bezos plans to stay in his newest home while razing the two neighboring dwellings. The 300-acre island only hosts 41 residential properties (one of which is owned by Tom Brady, another by Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner), so it’s a rather bold move on the billionaire’s part to snatch up the trio of properties and demolish two of them. “Property on the island is already scarce, so there is no doubt that Bezos making off-market deals will rile up a few who have been eyeing homes there,” an anonymous source told the outlet.

    That sound you hear isn’t popcorn. It’s heads exploding.

    • Drake

      Did a boat tour past the rich section of Naples Florida where rich people do that shit constantly. They buy nice looking beach houses for millions just to knock them down and build the most gaudy mansions imaginable. The occasional original houses were so much more tasteful than the nouveau riche messes people like Bon Jovi were building.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yeah, it’s pretty common. They often buy multiple houses next to each other, tear them down, and build one new house in the middle.

      • Drake

        Lived in an apartment in Playa del Rey for a couple of years. The neighborhood behind us had the cutest California bungalows ever. Really loved walking through there. Went back years later – most of the bungalows had been torn down and replaced with monstrous mansions.

      • Derpetologist

        But think of the economic stimulus from all those broken windows!

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Yeah, it’s pretty common. They often buy multiple houses next to each other, tear them down, and build one new house in the middle.

    I saw a thing a while back about Bezos’ “compound” in Seattle. Apparently, over the years, every time a house came up for sale in his neighborhood, he’d buy it, so he owned almost all the properties. He had his personal staff living in them.

    Maybe Seattle wouldn’t let him tear them down.

  19. UnCivilServant

    Do regular pencil erasers work to lift the solder mask off traces without destroying the copper?

    • Timeloose

      Are you talking about the green coating on the traces or the solder on the pads?

      • UnCivilServant

        The green (actually red in this case).

      • UnCivilServant

        For removing actual solder, I apply heat and negative air pressure (a spring-actuated solder removal syringe doing the lifting).

        But I made a mistake when designing some circuit boards and there is solder mask atop pads where I need to make connections.

      • Dr Mossy Lawn

        We called those SOLDAPULLT.. Solderwick is useful in some applications.

        As for the blocked pads.. I always scraped it away, yes it sucks.

      • UnCivilServant

        I forgot what it was called. I’ve not used the solderwick I’ve recently acquired, because mostly I’m removing a bridge between pin headers.

      • Timeloose

        I would try a ink pen eraser or some other light small form factor abrasive if you don’t want to use an exacto knife.

    • Dr Mossy Lawn

      Do you mean the green layer on standard 2 sided boards? No.. x-acto and care..

      • UnCivilServant

        I tried that. It is too time consuming and tedious. I need a better option that isn’t the fiberglass pencil (I don’t want to clean up after that nightmare)

    • EvilSheldon

      Every time I’ve ever tried to use a pencil eraser to clean up a board, I’ve ended up lifting a trace or three.

  20. JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

    Last week’s episode was pretty tame, so I feared for this week’s episode. This too was pretty tame, which really makes me fear for next week. It’s like an earthquake fault. You can either let out the energy bit by bit or in one big destructive earthquake, like the sudden opening of Velcro.

    • SugarFree

      I really don’t plan that far ahead or, really, at all. Whatever fits the news of the day.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        The San Andreas Fault doesn’t plan its earthquakes either.

  21. Timeloose

    Time’s Tales:

    In the previous post there was a mention about car accidents via the idiots in cars link. I was driving to a concert on a major interstate on Friday with Mrs. Time along with Ska fan 1 and Ska fan 2. Ska Fan 2 is deathly afraid of long car drives after being in a terrible car accident with a semi-truck 10 years ago. Every big rig we passed or drove near was met with a gasp and Jesus strap pull. It’s a real treat to be lead singer and driver of the Winnebago when she is in the car.

    We were about 20 minutes into our drive going up a mountain with a two travel and a one truck/slow vehicle lane. I’m going ~75-80mph in the passing lane, in front of me are three cars in the middle lane. The two in back are approaching the slower car in front. The last car put on their signal and enters my lane while the car in the middle turns without signaling or looking into the last car. The middle car essentially pits themselves by hitting the front of the back car with the back side of their car. The car quickly spins, catches the tires sidewalls and proceeds to plow into the stone mountain side, it then flips and rolls 3 times before landing live bug. This all happens in less then 5 seconds.

    I saw what was and about to happen and quickly reacted to brake safely and get off the highway, all while cursing like a sailor and listening to gasps and wails form my vehicle. I checked out my position for safety, hit the hazards, told the passengers to relax and that we are all cool. Looked at Mrs. time and said 911, however she was already dialing. I jumped out of the car and ran up the side of the highway to the vehicle. I saw all of the windows were smashed, all of the airbags were deployed, and the car was still running. I went to the driver side and saw a fellow good Sam trying to open the door. I went to the passenger side and forced the busted door open and found a very plump teenager covered in blood and glass shaking and crying. I told her everything was alright and that I was going to get her out of the car. She was a mess and couldn’t stand on her own. I picked her up and placed her as carefully as possible on the ground and went to help the driver. The driver was already being pulled out of the car by the good sam. By this time Ska 2 was there and I told here to help me get the passenger further off the road and out of the broken glass. She was very weak and not of much help so I grabbed the girl under her arms and lifted with my back to dead lift her up and further off the road. The driver was quite a bit more broken and had a big gash on her head from the roof of the car getting crushed, she never saw the car she hit. The other car was undamaged beyond a bumper rub and dent.

    After taking to police and giving a statement we were on our way. Ska fan 2 stopped being a PITA about my driving for the rest of the trip and we had a great time.

    Use your mirrors, seatbelts and airbags save lives, Less Than Jake is a fun band to see live, and finally my back still hurts.

    • EvilSheldon

      Good on Ska Fan #2. She may have been afraid, but she jumped right in when it counted (even if she wasn’t much help.)

      And good on you, too.

      • Sensei

        Yup. Thought the same.

      • Timeloose

        She was better than I at calming the girl. The rest of the car all sprung into action pretty quickly.

    • Drake

      Good job!

      All that – and do your deadlifts.

    • Sean

      *clicks upvote button*

      • Evan from Evansville

        *double clicks*

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Noted expert investment analyst and market psychologist

    Last week, Trump Media was valued at nearly $11 billion, an astronomical sum for a money-losing company with a few million in revenue. Experts looking at the numbers say that they simply don’t make sense.

    With the company’s financials now in clearer focus, it’s even more obvious that this is a house of cards. In the first nine months of last year, the company lost $49 million. It only generated $3.4 million — roughly the annual revenue of a Krispy Kreme franchise. Truth Social, Trump Media’s answer to Twitter/X, has fewer than 500,000 monthly active US users, compared to X’s 75 million. Even smaller, new social media platforms boast many times the user base of Truth Social. Threads, for example, says it has more than 130 million.

    ——-

    Cults also often financially exploit their followers, encouraging them to give their money to the leader or the institution, even if doing so offers no tangible benefit to those doing the giving (it offers many benefits to the leaders receiving it). The point is to prove loyalty to the leader.

    Trump has done this in many iterations, through sketchy recurring donations, by taking hold of the RNC and its money and through Trump Media, where some conservative fans seem to be buying up stock out of devotion to Trump and not because of any financial self-interest.

    Nobody ever took a flyer on a stock based on low probability expectations of future events.

    Now do lottery tickets.

    • The Other Kevin

      This is no more a mystery than why Trump’s poll numbers keep going up the more lawfare they throw at him. They’re supporting him because they know if he loses, they’re next.

    • creech

      Probably a good short play for November whether or not Trump wins or loses.

    • B.P.

      “…compared to X’s 75 million. Even smaller, new social media platforms boast many times the user base of Truth Social. Threads, for example, says it has more than 130 million.”

      Threads has 75 percent more users than twitter? I’ve never seen a link to a Threads post in the wild. Also, who writes this shit: “Even smaller, new social media platforms…” Then the writer uses the supposedly much larger platform as an example of a smaller one.

      • Evan from Evansville

        I say many things about myself. Some of them, also, are true.

      • Evan from Evansville

        (Dammit.) I’ve also never even heard of Threads. Methinky flagrant bullshit.

  23. Derpetologist

    Some Chinese mathematicians claim to have created a “periodic table of prime numbers”.

    https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=4742238

    Interesting idea, but if true, they ought to be able to solve the integer factorization problem in polynomial time.

    • Evan from Evansville

      a) I kinda assume primes are still useful in codes for their unpredictability. I know enough to know I’m wholly ignorant on such matters.

      b) Sneakers is in my Upper Echelon of film for many reasons. A brilliantly prescient work, predictably unheeded.

  24. SDF-7

    Bloody fucking hell.

    Alternate title: “Coming soon to a sanctuary state near you!”

    Like the off-hand mention later in where (like Canada) their elderly are being encouraged to look at euthanasia to free up housing resources (and reduce the load on the NHS, I very much suspect). It is as if fostering a society where the Communal Good is all, the Individual is devalued and human life is not valued leads to this kind of shit….

    • kinnath

      I’m not dead yet . . . . . .

      • Swiss Servator

        Look, you’ll be stone dead in a moment!

    • rhywun

      That’s not gonna fly anywhere in the US. Not without some ultraviolence.

      But of course they will hit the oldsters first. Sick fucks.

      • R.J.

        Every oldster I know is packing here in the states. Gun ranges have replaced golf. It would not work here.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    For Uncivil- could you use a solvent (alcohol? nail polish remover, aka acetone?) on a Q-tip to selectively remove that masking?

  26. Tres Cool

    So help me, that cracky picture needs to be on a t-shirt.
    Or jock strap

  27. Sensei

    There is a difference between leaven and gluten…

    One non-Jewish Stop & Shop patron, for instance, on a recent day happily filled her basket with items such as reduced-price matzo ball soup because she is gluten intolerant and much Passover fare is guaranteed to be safe for her to eat.

    Who’s Going To Buy All This Matzo?
    Supermarkets have been waiting and waiting for someone to buy aisles of kosher-for-Passover food. Blame a complicated ancient calendar that is making this year confusing

    https://www.wsj.com/lifestyle/passover-late-calendar-matzo-kosher-6f0b8c76?st=lvc1ja7appgwx7f&reflink=desktopwebshare_permalink

    • Ted S.

      They couldn’t look at a calendar and see when Passover is?

      • The Other Kevin

        That’s one of like 6 things Google is actually still good for.

      • R.J.

        To much work. Easier to guess.

    • slumbrew

      JFC. “Gluten intolerant” people like her give people with actual issues, like my (((wife))), a bad name.

      The fact they sell gluten-free matzoh should be a clue…

  28. The Late P Brooks

    I just have no idea what solder mask is made of or what would dissolve it without damaging other elements of the board.

    I don’t know either. Alcohol seems least likely to damage the board itself. As I recall, “brake parts cleaner” is a repurposed electronics cleaner used for circuit board immersion baths.

  29. The Late P Brooks

    They couldn’t look at a calendar and see when Passover is?

    Not without the (((decoder ring))).