Joemala: Episode 214

by | Apr 24, 2024 | Joemala | 157 comments

 

“I love the elegant ruin of your asshole,” Hunter whispered into the Ukrainian’s gaping anus.

“No more, Mister Hunter,” she said. She hitched a sob and more semen leaked, runnels of tan pearlescence reaching for the sheets.

“Your month is almost up,” he said, wiping up a glob with his forefinger and smearing it on her face. “Z will send me a new one to keep the military aid flowing.”

“No more,” she said. “Is hurts.”

“Of course it hurts,” Hunter said, pushing her off the cot. “Pussies are bullshit. The anus is your only real value.”

She sobbed on the floor, but not very much–the chunky Z didn’t pay her more for tears.

“Wombats shit cubes,” he said, the girl turning to look at him with her hollow eyes. “They have a square anus.

“Square anus?” the girl.

“I want to fuck one just to see, like a robot’s asshole I bet, like a robot’s meaty asshole.

“CANNIBALS!” Hunter heard Joe scream in the office above him.

“I’ve got to go,” Hunter said to the girl as she stood there, blood and lube and thinned liquid cum-shit running down her legs. “Report to the Secret Service officer down the hall,” he said, pointing down the dark, fetid tunnel outside the door to his office. As she stared at him, trying to cry, he wiped himself off on her dress and threw it at her. “Go, vamoose, fuck the fuck off,” he said as he pulled on his jock strap and dark glasses.

“CANNIBALS!” Hunter heard again as he climbed the bent rebar ladder to the hatch that opened into the Presidential Shitter. He found his daughter sitting on the golden toilet, lid down, scrolling through her phone.

“Are you just going to let him keep yelling like that?” Hunter asked Finnegan.

“I’m done with elder care for today,” Finnegan said, not looking up from her phone. “Also, this is the White House, maybe put on some goddamn pants.”

“Cranky-cranky, someone’s on the rag. Want me to hug the blood out of you?”

“Not while you still reek of Slavic whore.”

“CANNIBALS!” Joe screamed again.

Hunter grabbed his friend Cracky from his trophy case and sashayed into the Oval Office.

“There are no cannibals, Daddy,” he said to the trembling old man.

“They ate my uncle, ate him, like, like, like a bag of potato chips made out of meat!”

“But there are no cannibals here, right?”

“Cannibals?!? Where?” Joe held up his fists ready for a fight.

“No cannibals, Daddy. No cannibals.”

“Do you think that he was still alive when they ate him? Like he, could, you know that thing where you can…”

Hunter stared for a moment as rusty gears ground to a halt in his father’s head.

“I think they cook you first,” Hunter said gently.

Joe made a high keening noise as he thought about bones rounding off at the ends as they boiled away in a giant Bugs Bunny cauldron.

“I can’t do it,” Joe said. “I won’t do it. I won’t go to Borneo.”

“No one’s making you go to Borneo!” Finnegan called from the bathroom.

“I thought you said our great-uncle was eaten in Papua-New Guinea,” Hunter said.

“Both. He was eaten in both places! He was in the supermarket, all, like wrapped up in clingfilm, just chunks, just chunks!” Joe said. He broke down crying, keening again.

“Did he even have an uncle?” Finnegan asked from the bathroom.

“I can feel their teeth in my flesh,” Joe said, shuddering, soiling his pull-ups.

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

157 Comments

  1. kinnath

    my god

    • Swiss Servator

      I almost shot Lysol into my eyes, reading this.

    • The Other Kevin

      I just dug into a bowl of farm fresh scrambled eggs. Big mistake.

  2. The Late P Brooks

    as they boiled away in a giant Bugs Bunny cauldron.

    Did he have to slice his own carrots?

  3. Sean

    That certainly was something.

    • WTF

      *runs screaming into the distance*

  4. Fatty Bolger

    Wombats shit cubes… They have a square anus

    I did not know that. See, that’s why I come here, for the education.

    • Nephilium

      They stack them to mark their territory.

      • Fatty Bolger

        lol, that’s great. “Behold my great wall of poop! Enter at your own risk!”

      • Nephilium

        The Oatmeal did a bit about wombats.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Pretty interesting. I looked for video of an actual butt attack, but didn’t find any.

  5. The Late P Brooks

    “Did he even have an uncle?” Finnegan asked from the bathroom.

    I have been wondering that myself. Maybe he paddled off to a neutral country, like Orr.

  6. Not Adahn

    There is a trophy case in the presidential shitter?

    • Tonio

      Why not? That’s one of the least horrifying things in this episode.

    • SugarFree

      It’s where Donald kept all his favorite Big Mac wrappers.

  7. Tonio

    “he hitched a sob and more semen leaked, runnels of tan pearlescence reaching for the sheets.”

    Beautiful and terrible. You’ve outdone Swinburne. Well done.

    • Fourscore

      Didn’t take long to stifle a retch.

      Right before lunch. Damn, Man.

      Got ‘er done, SF, regular programming will re-start after a long time out.

    • DrOtto

      The kids would have called it “truffle butter”, but SF is too professional for that.

  8. Warty

    Technically, this genre is known as vore.

    • Tonio

      TIL…

  9. Aloysious

    …whispered into the Ukrainian’s gaping anus.

    Rule 34. I am NOT googling that to see if it is indeed a thing. Nope.

    • DEG

      Goatse says hi.

    • prolefeed

      If you mean, whispering+Ukrainian+gaping_anus, probably not. Just the last term, tho – “creampie” is a largish porn niche.

  10. db

    Fourscore thought I was giving *SugarFree* a break last week.

    Now you know the truth: I was giving *yinz* a break.

    • Tonio

      It’s like chemotherapy. The patient needs the occasional week off so the treatment doesn’t kill him.

  11. db

    “Pull-ups” for the win

    • SugarFree

      I love that album. And how Mann used it to great effect in Manhunter.

      • Sensei

        That was where I heard it first.

      • SugarFree

        MTV ran the “Nemesis” video often at the time of release, before they regulated such fare to 120 Minutes.

      • Timeloose

        Thanks, I now have a compulsion to listen to This Big Hush.

  12. R.J.

    SugarFree pulls out the stops! Woo! This is what I needed today!

    • Aloysious

      Maybe you’ll get a chuckle from Whackiki Wabbit.

      Since cannibalism is back on the menu.

  13. The Gunslinger

    – “I love the elegant ruin of your asshole,” Hunter whispered into the Ukrainian’s gaping anus.

    When that’s the opening line, you’d best buckle your seat belt for what’s to come.

    • Sensei

      “Eat me!”

    • Nephilium

      Did they pick their teeth at Biden?

    • Fatty Bolger

      Well… there are still some areas of PNG where people live as hunter gatherers, and violence is common. It wouldn’t be terribly surprising if they still did things the old way, eating your enemies to steal their power.

      • creech

        It would be wrong to question their cultural habits. All cultures are equal (except for European white culture, which is racist, wrong, and not nice to Mother Gaia.)

      • juris imprudent

        Ah, but the subculture of white Europeans preaching that message – that subculture is exempt from all the wrongs that otherwise permeate the culture.

        Yeah, fuck off.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Are you cuisine shaming?

    • R.J.

      Are they… Beating a drum about cannibalism?

      • R.J.

        Boy I miss that show. It was great.

  14. Spudalicious

    Alrighty then.

    • creech

      Well, Trump was on the NY ballot so I think they can stretch the law, even if Trump had zero chance of doing anything to effect the outcome of the NY election.

      • ron73440

        They’ve shown no compunction before this about stretching and distorting law prior to this, why would they change course now?

      • ron73440

        Apparently they have done this both prior to and before this.

        I need an editor.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        So they’ve stretched and distorted the law like Hunter stretches and distorts, uh, oh never mind.

      • Fatty Bolger

        You mean they’ll just ignore the law, like we’ve already seen.

    • juris imprudent

      Why not, they got a court ruling that he defrauded people who had no fraud complaint.

      NY is bizarro-law-land.

  15. Old Man With Candy

    This was pretty much my Saturday night.

    • juris imprudent

      There are a lot of angles to that. Did you have the weeping ass? Did you cause the weeping ass? Were you running around screaming about cannibals?

      • Spudalicious

        Yes.

      • Ted S.

        So we know what OMWC did to poor Spud.

    • The Gunslinger

      Holy shit! You’ve got a golden toilet?

    • Aloysious

      You have Cracky stored in your bathroom?

  16. ron73440

    “There are no cannibals, Daddy,” he said to the trembling old man.

    “They ate my uncle, ate him, like, like, like a bag of potato chips made out of meat!”

    “But there are no cannibals here, right?”

    “Cannibals?!? Where?” Joe held up his fists ready for a fight.

    “No cannibals, Daddy. No cannibals.”

    That one got me.

    That whole thing was amazing, start to finish.

  17. JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

    We’ll be in DC in June and have signed up for a White House tour. I’ll have to ask to see the Presidential Shitter so I can look for the hatch Hunter uses to get to the secret passages.

    • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

      I’ve got $50 for you if you drop a log on the floor of the Presidential Shitter.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    It’s not pornography if it offers no prurient stimulation whatsoever.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    If I’m reading this correctly, the underlying charges (under all the legal bs) that Alvin Bragg files against Trump don’t work.

    Are you a legal scholar? You just don’t understand the law.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Media bias? Inconceivable!

    Donald Trump and his allies like to complain at length about imagined “collusion” between the Democratic Party and the media. But on Tuesday, former National Enquirer boss David Pecker lifted the curtain on the actual media collusion that took place in the 2016 election.

    Pecker revealed in granular detail how Trump worked hand-in-hand with the infamous national tabloid to boost his candidacy and, perhaps far more importantly, simultaneously smear his political opponents with shameful lies and innuendo.

    Stop it. You’re killing me.

    • prolefeed

      “It’s not a shameful lie if OMB really is figuratively Literally Hitler. Plus, you think people working to bring on the revolution ushering in a socialist utopia are capable of shame?”

      /leftist saying the quiet part out loud

    • UnCivilServant

      They could always bomb the room where the discussion takes place and knock the lever pullers and horse traders out.

  21. B.P.

    “Pussies are bullshit.”

    Hunter is now quoting John Stagliano, known libertarian.

  22. Ownbestenemy

    I uh…I need to start over. I lost it on the opening sentence.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    The highly-anticipated court appearance from Pecker, who was granted immunity in exchange for his candid testimony at the trial, put a floodlight on the dark underbelly of the Enquirer, with the tabloid portrayed in open court as a tawdry publication willfully serving as a political weapon for Trump — truth and basic ethics be damned.

    *guffaws, saps knee*

    Not a legitimate unbiased news agent like CNN.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Wait did anyone think it was anything but a tawdry publication?!?!

    • Ownbestenemy

      With headlines like this, I am sure American’s were swayed
      1. Supreme Court Justice Scalia — Murdered By A Hooker In a “bombshell world exclusive,” the Enquirer claimed that Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s March 2016 death involved foul play.
      2. CLINTON SEX ROMP CAUGHT ON VIDEO!
      3. ‘Family Man’ Marco Rubio’s Love Child Stunner!
      4. Jeb Bush Snorted Cocaine On Night His Dad Became President!
      5. HILLARY CLINTON LESBIAN LOVERS NAMED IN SECRET EMAILS

      NYC is actually legitimizing them with this case.

      • Timeloose

        When will Weekly World News be bringing out the “Bat Boy Endorses Trump after being raped by Hunter Biden” Headlines.

      • ZWAK will kindle all of the dreams it took a lifetime to destroy

        “Bat Boy Escapes Secret Ballot Factory!”

      • ZWAK will kindle all of the dreams it took a lifetime to destroy

        Great minds think alike, and shit.

      • Timeloose

        Shit Zwak, Red Right Hand ref within you name.

    • rhywun

      How is this actually seriously a thing that is happening??

      I DON’T UNDERSTAND

  24. The Late P Brooks

    While the days of the Enquirer boosting Trump while publishing false and sleazy stories about his opponents are over, the habit remains prevalent in right-wing media. Far more powerful outlets, such as Rupert Murdoch’s Fox News, continue to debase themselves in service of Trump, acting as his propaganda vehicles.

    *outright prolonged laughter*

    • Sean

      What reality do these people live in?

      • Ownbestenemy

        None. The live in no reality

      • WTF

        It’s the Alinsky tactic of accusing others of what they are actually doing.
        They know exactly what they are doing.

      • R.J.

        I had an ex-wife like that. I recognize the ploy.

      • juris imprudent

        And they are still really bad at it. Just like NPR lady that is the living simulacrum of Tatiana McGrath.

  25. Derpetologist

    My substitute teacher badge came today, and I accepted a Friday assignment. Yay me.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peRHtqEZMLk

    This morning, I saw an article with a pic of pro-Ukraine protester in DC. His sign said: Stop playing games with US security – Fun Ukraine aid NOW!

    Just another rainbow wig wearer in our brave new clown world.

    • UnCivilServant

      “Fun Ukraine aid”? Tell me the error was on the original sign.

      • Grummun

        Party hats! Cake! Bouncy house!

        For morale!

      • Gender Traitor

        But will we get those cool Easter eggs??

      • UnCivilServant

        … That’s more work than I put into painting Minis.

      • ZWAK will kindle all of the dreams it took a lifetime to destroy

        I czar what you did there.

    • Gender Traitor

      ::suffers flashback to substitute teaching days:: Thoughts and prayers. 😳

      • Gender Traitor

        Hey! I never got a badge! 😒

      • R.J.

        *Clears throat
        “BADGES? YOU DON’T NEED NO STEENKING BADGES!!!”

  26. DEG

    Hunter grabbed his friend Cracky from his trophy case and sashayed into the Oval Office.

    Trophy case in the Presidential Shitter? Whoa.

    • Not Adahn

      The Sultan of Brunei had a jeweled gold-plated poop jambiya presented to GHWB.

      • R.J.

        Perfect for flushing our rights down in exchange for globalists pap.

    • Fourscore

      Sounds like a prelude to another long SF story.

  27. creech

    Anyone else think these pro-Palestine campus protests are pretty lame next to the campus upheavals during the Vietnam War?

    • UnCivilServant

      Well, all they do these days are shitty remakes of older material.

    • The Other Kevin

      I don’t think these people have as much skin in the game. For VN, those kids and their friends were getting drafted and sent to war. Yes the ones on campus were safe, but it was still their reality. Today this is just the “current thing”. They’d protest just as hard for trans rights.

      • R.J.

        Also some students got shot for it. These kids don’t even get real jail time.

      • Not Adahn

        So… to end the protests…. we just need to draft college kids and send them to Hamas to fight the Israelis?

        That’s so crazy it just might work!

      • rhywun

        I wasn’t around for the VN protests but my sense is that the current protests are mostly larpers. I remember how stupid we all were then – you can get them to support anything that sounds “nice”. The true believers are probably tiny in number but of course grab all the attention.

    • Fourscore

      Will the protesters have to keep their grades up to avoid the draft?

      The protesters will be surprised if the opportunities for employment are reduced.

      If a female protester marries a male protestor will she be required to wear some sort of face covering?

      • ZWAK will kindle all of the dreams it took a lifetime to destroy

        On the plus side, maybe we can herd them to Canada!

    • kinnath

      I was a mere youth back in the day, but I do have vivid memories of the campus protests.

      The Vietnam era protest were wider in scope and larger in scale, but I don’t recall them being scary compared to the Palestinian protests now.

      Make Love, Not War doesn’t seem to carry the same threat level as Death To America.

      Your mileage may vary.

      • Sensei

        +1 Kent State

      • kinnath

        One of my still vivid recollections from that time.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’m surprised New York actually passed that. They tend to side against your honest citizen.

      • Not Adahn

        He was speaking at NABTU? What about BARATA and NIKTO?

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        heh, The guy in the back just going along with it.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        There’s that damn stutter again.

      • WTF

        Worse. His dementia is beyond belief at this point.

  28. The Late P Brooks

    Trumpflation

    To further boost American manufacturing, Trump and his aides are considering the imposition of a 10 percent tariff on all foreign imports. In practice, this would almost certainly mean that US consumers would pay roughly 10 percent more on all the foreign-made cars, electronics, toys, and other goods that they purchase.

    These are the same people who love telling us wages can be jacked up substantially without affecting prices.

    • The Other Kevin

      There’s so much wrong with that article Winston’s Mom could do a whole write up about it.

  29. The Late P Brooks

    Theoretically, Republicans could enact non-inflationary, multitrillion-dollar tax cuts without sparking inflation, but this would require offsetting the fiscal impacts of tax cuts with spending reductions.

    The combination of extending the 2017 tax cuts and slashing the corporate rate to 15 percent would cost nearly $4 trillion in foregone revenue. Tacking on a large middle-class tax cut could easily bring that sum total north of $6 trillion. During both the Trump and George W. Bush presidencies, congressional Republicans ultimately didn’t have the stomach to enact spending cuts anywhere near that large.

    Critically, offsetting the inflationary impact of tax cuts in 2025 and 2026 would require slashing spending immediately, not years down the line. Republicans have no appetite for cutting Medicare and Social Security benefits for existing beneficiaries. And coming up with $6 trillion in spending reductions without tackling entitlements would require gutting all manner of popular social programs.

    Vox wants a balanced budget. Unless Joe gets re-elected.

  30. Dr. Fronkensteen

    Critically, offsetting the inflationary impact of tax cuts in 2025 and 2026 would require slashing spending immediately, not years down the line. Republicans have no appetite for cutting Medicare and Social Security benefits for existing beneficiaries. And coming up with $6 trillion in spending reductions without tackling entitlements would require gutting all manner of popular social programs.

    Your proposal is acceptable.

    • ZWAK will kindle all of the dreams it took a lifetime to destroy

      And they say motorboats are a new thing.

      Got a link to that whole thing? I haven’t looked at it in a while.

    • The Other Kevin

      I also love Ship of Fools. For years I’ve been thinking of painting my own version of that one. But the fools keep on coming so it would be instantly out of date.

  31. The Late P Brooks

    As scholars at the Brookings Institution noted last fall, the upsurge in immigration since the pandemic is one major reason why the US managed to bring inflation down without suffering a recession: Foreign-born workers increased the economy’s productive capacity, helping supply to catch up with rising consumer demand.

    Conversely, if America abruptly deported all undocumented workers, labor shortages would devastate myriad industries, from housing to agriculture to the care economy, and prices would soar.

    Some Americans might consider such labor shortages beneficial. After all, when labor is scarce, workers can demand higher wages. But there are more undocumented workers in the United States than unemployed ones. Purging America of the former would not leave the US with the same economy with higher wages for the native-born. Rather, it would leave the country with a smaller economy, where millions of existing jobs simply would not get done. When you slash the agricultural labor force, food gets scarce and thus expensive. The same principle holds for construction, hospitality, leisure, or health care.

    Those are not essential jobs.

    • Not Adahn

      When the Japanese perfect medical/nursing-bots, immigration fights are gonna get real, yo.

    • The Other Kevin

      I’d like to see the numbers of “undocumented” workers vs “undocumented” people who get a free hotel room and a $500 a month allowance.

      • Fourscore

        I don’t want to see those numbers. I like to sleep at night.

    • rhywun

      I wish I knew what triggers that damn squirrel.

      I am trying to express the idea that the reason those jobs won’t “get done” is because we pay Americans to not do them.

      • Not Adahn

        One or more of the following:

        carriage returns
        formatting
        punctuation

      • Sensei

        ASCII characters…

      • Nephilium

        It appears certain phrases get stuck and return server errors. My thought is something with the spam filtering. But that’s just a mildly educated guess.

      • Sensei

        Too funny. I tried to respond to you with my hypothesis and I just got the server error!

  32. rhywun

    “I love the elegant ruin of your asshole,”

    Oh dear God. *dives in*

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Hunter beat you to it.

    • Beau Knott

      I’m not sure it’s that ruined.

      • rhywun

        “Ewwww!”

        /teenage girl

  33. The Late P Brooks

    the reason those jobs won’t “get done” is because we pay Americans to not do them.

    Give the man a cigar.

    • R.J.

      Meh. Trannies for Palestine got that guy beat by miles.

    • R.J.

      Easy problem to solve, unless you find foxes adorable.

      • Sensei

        Unless you live in the People’s Republic of NJ or the UK like the owner.

  34. The Late P Brooks

    The saga of the fox shitting on the Ferrari came to the world’s attention via a Tik Tok post by a user named Azidquidditygroup, someone who seems to be in one of those lines of business that involves money being used to get real estate properties and then from there more money somehow shows up, in an ever-increasing and confusing cycle that, I guess, lets you buy a Ferrari, eventually. I don’t know how all that crap works, I just hope if I take a reverse mortgage and a regular mortgage out at the same time they’ll cancel one another out, you know, like math. Then I divide by zero, and profit, or something.

    And this is why I don’t read that site. He should try working anti-transgender-ism in there somehow. And racism.