Story of My Life – part 14

by | May 6, 2024 | Musings | 70 comments

An amusing thing happened in January of 2021. I was tasked with calling all the squad leaders in my company to check on some paperwork. When I got to the name of the squad leader who had caused me so much torment, I paused and asked the other soldiers in the room if I should be the one calling. They said they saw no reason why not, so I called him. When introduced myself and asked the question, he just said the last name of another sergeant, and after a long pause, I said goodbye and hung up.

Shortly after that, I got a call from another sergeant who asked to speak with the soldier in charge of the office. After the call, that soldier went into the commander’s office. My tormentor then called the commander, and I could hear him yelling through the wall. He used some colorful to tell my tormentor to grow a spine. Then my First Sergeant came in and explained I had done nothing wrong as I had not yet been informed of the no-contact order my tormentor had filed against me. It was funny that he was so disturbed when I was the one who had been on suicide watch.

Most days, I was released from duty after lunch. I was on vacation more or less for about five months. It was a nice change of pace. I helped out a bit with odd jobs. Once while filing paperwork, I came across the story of a sergeant was reprimanded by his squad leader for something minor. The result was the squad leader was forced to write out demerits as a punishment, though this only happened after week or so of various complaint forms being filed. The sergeant in question was about as solid a soldier-linguist as can be- multiple combat deployments, excellent language scores, not a black mark of any kind on his record. It was disappointing to see him get treated like a disobedient elementary school student merely because he displeased his immediate superior.

Another story I caught a glimpse of while filing paperwork was about a soldier I saw when I first arrived at Fort Gordon. He had a very weary, forlorn expression and I was honestly worried that he’d kill himself if he was left alone. It turned out that he had been taken off mission because he was judged to be not productive enough. One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that in any group, the only three choices are conform, suffer, or leave. Any person who is too far from the group average will be pushed toward it, regardless of whether they are better or worse than the average. People who try to drag you down are already beneath you, though it happens anyway.

For about a month starting in February, I was put on road guard. It’s a very easy job often given to soldiers who will getting out of the Army soon. One day, it was pouring rain. Since there were no runners to guard from traffic, there was no reason for us to be there. Alas, Befehl ist Befehl, it was our place of duty. The leader of the detachment said that the unofficial policy was to sit in our cars nearby until the rain stopped. So that’s what we did, except for one intrepid soul who stood stoically in the downpour. I had my poncho with me, so I decided to keep him company and perhaps persuade him to get out of the rain. I remarked to him that the basic contradiction in the military is what to do when you get a stupid order. His reply was the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard a soldier say. He said: I think ALL orders are stupid! Nonetheless, I was able to persuade him to get out of the rain. He feared being punished, but it never came.

It was also in February that I nearly went AWOL because I scared I was about to be taken to the insane asylum again. I got a text message at night telling me another psychiatric evaluation had been scheduled the next day for me. I packed a bag and drove to a rest-stop at the state line. After thinking it over, I decided it was best to face the music. I came in disheveled and had an emergency meeting with my First Sergeant and battalion commander. They calmed me down and said it was a routine matter. It was hard to summon the courage to return to the hospital whereupon I was informed I had missed the appointment which was at another clinic anyway.

There’s a wonderful novel by a WW2 Army combat veteran called Once an Eagle. It’s been required reading at military academies for decades. The basic premise of the book is how to deal with stupid orders. It follows the career of a soldier who wins the Medal of Honor in WW1 and ends up a general in WW2. His nemesis is a conniving bully who outranks him and nearly gets him killed with an overly complex battle plan that leaves an American infantry decimated after it gets cut off for a few days. The lesson I got from the book is that there is no way to avoid the consequences for obeying stupid orders and sometimes the only sensible thing to do is ignore them. Stupid orders get people hurt and killed for no good reason and those who give them ought to be relieved of command.

Sometime in early March, I forwarded the email I had sent to the colonel to two sergeants, the same ones who had escorted me to the insane asylum. Not long after that, my tormentor and now ex-squad leader was mysteriously and permanently reassigned to temperature check duty. One day, he was waving everyone on because the batteries in the temp check gun were dead. I thought that he was finally in the right role: a very easy task that didn’t need to be done which he could do anyone because the equipment was broken. Even a nitwit like him couldn’t mess up a job that easy.

About the same time, I met a former Arabic linguist on an online dating site, and she gave me her phone number right away and told me where she’d camping with a friend that weekend. After 11 years or so of online dating, I had grown tired of the usual multiweek games of phone tag that generally proceeded a face-to-face meeting. I drove to the campground, found her and her friend, and tried to introduce myself. She was displeased by my uninvited presence, and I apologized saying that I had gotten impatient. Not long after, she and her friend called me, and I explained my tale of woe. They invited me back and we had a decent time, though they warned they would chop me with axes if they felt threatened. I built them a nice campfire as gesture of good faith. It was an odd turn of events, but at least I reached out to someone new.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

70 Comments

  1. Aloysious

    I get the impression that a lot of life in the military involves bellowing at someone. That and asking ones self, “Self, why am I doing this stupid shit?”.

    • Derpetologist

      Whenever I was getting yelled at, I would mentally superimpose the Monty Python theme song over it.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AxiATxLofk

      If people who aren’t any smarter than me are going yell at me every day anyway, I might as well get paid for it.

      • Aloysious

        “Excuse me, sir. I can see your uvula. It’s moving around like a little speed bag.”

        Yeah, I’d fail.

  2. Derpetologist

    I see I made some typos. Corrections:

    ***
    An American infantry division

    couldn’t do anyway
    ***

    There are probably a few others I missed.

    The saddest part of my ordeal was that it was all so unnecessary. There were umpteen things in the Army on hold at the time, and my tormentor’s brilliant idea was to pick a fight with me over the least important aspect of my job.

    Despite his no-contact order, we ended up crossing path multiple times when he was assigned to temp check duty. One, day I saw him angrily waving people inside while repeating that the temp check gun was broken. Some rascal (not me) took the batteries out of the temp check gun prior to his shift. Now, how did he solve this problem?

    Did he ask someone to cover for him while he went to get batteries from the convenience store less than a mile away?

    No.

    Did he give someone money and tell them to go buy some batteries for him?

    No.

    Did he put away the temp check gun as soon as he realized it wasn’t working?

    No.

    He spent the entire two hour shift angrily waving the gun and impotently spluttering like Donald Duck. As I marveled as this wondrous sight, all I could think was:

    Jesus H tap-dancing titty-fucking Christ in a chicken bucket, this guy really is an imbecile. Thank god he never led men in battle. He’d get them all killed. This dumb motherfucker nearly killed *himself* just from doing PT. No wonder his old squad leader told him to move sandbags back forth as a punishment. Humiliation is the only thing this guy understands.

  3. Evan from Evansville

    Ooooh, the ‘no-knock’ entry. Risky, but I’m glad it worked out in the end.

    Quite curious: What are actually *good* dating sites/apps? Tindr worked wonders a long while back in a place far away, but certainly not Stateside. An updated profile SOMEwhere out there would be a good step for me. I hope to proceed with grace and acumen.

    • Derpetologist

      OKCupid has worked for me. Plenty of Fish is alright. My online dating life is not very active these days. I’d prefer to meet people the old-fashioned way, but that at minimum requires me to have a job and other reasons to leave my apartment.

      • Evan from Evansville

        Much, sincere thanks. I now HAVE a job, but remote. I also live in Carmel, IN, also known as Far-Too-Expensive Land.

      • slumbrew

        Somewhat amusingly, my now-wife and I were both on OK Cupid at the same time, in the same area. I didn’t pass her filters. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

      I met my girlfriend on Match.com. We are coming up on 2 years.

    • Evan from Evansville

      Thank y’all. Going in the Memory Bank, which is frantic, but not Overdrawn with Raul Julia.

    • Not Adahn

      Fetlife.

  4. KK, Plump & Unfiltered

    OT: Boeing scrubbed Starliner LOL

  5. Fourscore

    The army of yore was totally different, after the initial indoctrination. There was very little of the hurt feelings, soldiers did their job without being told. If someone screwed up, particularly as a matter of safety, an immediate correction was made. More serious problems, drunk on duty, Awol, had to be handled administratively.

    I made a cartoon book from cartoons I clipped from the Army Times. I still have the books but I don’t know how to paste them .

    One that fits is a Lt Col counseling a junior officer

    “If you have a problem come see me, don’t write to “Dear Abby”

  6. Gustave Lytton

    From ded thred:

    Russell Stover and Whitmans aren’t even in the class of See’s.

    Nestle sold off their US candy to Ferrero which subsequently trashed most of the brands with new recipes. If it was a recent Crunch, that was one of them. Butterfinger too. Sad.

    • Mojeaux

      See’s is overrated. I said what I said.

      • Mojeaux

        Oh, he sure is.

      • Brochettaward

        This has been me for much of my life. Only, the other person was wrong and second.

  7. Gustave Lytton

    Once an Eagle is a wonderful novel. Sadly too many who read it end up as Courtney Messingales.

      • Gustave Lytton

        That put to words many of the things that bothered me about Damon. Still, I think it’s valuable to have heroes and aspiring role models, particularly for young wet behind the ears officers and joes. Can do a lot worse than Sgt Rock and Sam Damon.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Similarly, not everyone can be an Audie Murphy or a Sgt York or a Dan Daly, but still hold those up as men to aspire to. Shughart and Gordon’s citations left a lasting impression on this young ham hock.

      • dbleagle

        I had the honor to meet MoH recipient Matt Urban as a LT. He came to visit my battalion which he had served with in WWII and was recognized for his valor serving with. Luckily, I never had to show the solid platinum testicles he showed in WWII. What stands out to me was that he didn’t show extreme valor once, but was consistently “that guy” who success revolved around. Speaking with us he seemed interested in helping us develop as leaders and was taken back by the attention he received. He told us that he was honored to have been recognized, but he respected multiple officers who he said, “he couldn’t hold a candle to” who deserved the recognition much more than he did. Unfortunately I forget their names.

        Lieutenant Colonel (then Captain) Matt Urban, l 12-22-2414, United States Army, who distinguished himself by a series of bold, heroic actions, exemplified by singularly outstanding combat leadership, personal bravery, and tenacious devotion to duty, during the period 14 June to 3 September 1944 while assigned to the 2d Battalion, 60th Infantry Regiment, 9th Infantry Division. On 14 June, Captain Urban’s company, attacking at Renouf, France, encountered heavy enemy small arms and tank fire. The enemy tanks were unmercifully raking his unit’s positions and inflicting heavy casualties. Captain Urban, realizing that his company was in imminent danger of being decimated, armed himself with a bazooka. He worked his way with an ammo carrier through hedgerows, under a continuing barrage of fire, to a point near the tanks. He brazenly exposed himself to the enemy fire and, firing the bazooka, destroyed both tanks. Responding to Captain Urban’s action, his company moved forward and routed the enemy. Later that same day, still in the attack near Orglandes, Captain Urban was wounded in the leg by direct fire from a 37mm tank-gun. He refused evacuation and continued to lead his company until they moved into defensive positions for the night. At 0500 hours the next day, still in the attack near Orglandes, Captain Urban, though badly wounded, directed his company in another attack. One hour later he was again wounded. Suffering from two wounds, one serious, he was evacuated to England. In mid-July, while recovering from his wounds, he learned of his unit’s severe losses in the hedgerows of Normandy. Realizing his unit’s need for battle-tested leaders, he voluntarily left the hospital and hitchhiked his way back to his unit hear St. Lo, France. Arriving at the 2d Battalion Command Post at 1130 hours, 25 July, he found that his unit had jumped-off at 1100 hours in the first attack of Operation Cobra.” Still limping from his leg wound, Captain Urban made his way forward to retake command of his company. He found his company held up by strong enemy opposition. Two supporting tanks had been destroyed and another, intact but with no tank commander or gunner, was not moving. He located a lieutenant in charge of the support tanks and directed a plan of attack to eliminate the enemy strong-point. The lieutenant and a sergeant were immediately killed by the heavy enemy fire when they tried to mount the tank. Captain Urban, though physically hampered by his leg wound and knowing quick action had to be taken, dashed through the scathing fire and mounted the tank. With enemy bullets ricocheting from the tank, Captain Urban ordered the tank forward and, completely exposed to the enemy fire, manned the machine gun and placed devastating fire on the enemy. His action, in the face of enemy fire, galvanized the battalion into action and they attacked and destroyed the enemy position. On 2 August, Captain Urban was wounded in the chest by shell fragments and, disregarding the recommendation of the Battalion Surgeon, again refused evacuation. On 6 August, Captain Urban became the commander of the 2d Battalion. On 15 August, he was again wounded but remained with his unit. On 3 September, the 2d Battalion was given the mission of establishing a crossing-point on the Meuse River near Heer, Belgium. The enemy planned to stop the advance of the allied Army by concentrating heavy forces at the Meuse. The 2d Battalion, attacking toward the crossing-point, encountered fierce enemy artillery, small arms and mortar fire which stopped the attack. Captain Urban quickly moved from his command post to the lead position of the battalion. Reorganizing the attacking elements, he personally led a charge toward the enemy’s strong-point. As the charge moved across the open terrain, Captain Urban was seriously wounded in the neck. Although unable to talk above a whisper from the paralyzing neck wound, and in danger of losing his life, he refused to be evacuated until the enemy was routed and his battalion had secured the crossing-point on the Meuse River. Captain Urban’s personal leadership, limitless bravery, and repeated extraordinary exposure to enemy fire served as an inspiration to his entire battalion. His valorous and intrepid actions reflect the utmost credit on him and uphold the noble traditions of the United States.

      • Gustave Lytton

        24 year old BC? Fuck me.

        The real standout, imo, is his life after WWII. Clearly his wartime service was not an aberration or a one off.

      • The Gunslinger

        There’s a park here in Holland where I lived named Matt Urban park in his honor. Has ballfields and soccer field. Thankfully it is very well maintained. It looks the same now as 25 years ago.

  8. Mojeaux

    Welp. There go the tornado sirens.

    • Mojeaux

      And now they are off.

    • Ted S.

      Back to work today. 😐

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean & Ted’S.!

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, U! How are you today?

      • UnCivilServant

        doing better. Got a full night’s sleep, cleared the mental mess.

      • Gender Traitor

        🙂👍

      • Gender Traitor

        Pretty good! My boss has started to move into the CEO office, which means I’ll have to move over one office to remain within bellowing distance, but he’s in no particular hurry – too busy with other stuff this week. I’ll move into his old office, which is slightly smaller than the one I’m in now, but I guess it’s only fair to vacate the slightly larger office for whoever the next CFO will be. (No internal candidates, so a search is in order.)

      • UnCivilServant

        Wait, your boss had the smaller office than you pre-move?

      • Gender Traitor

        Yeah, it just worked out that way. The HR harpy had been in the office right by the CEO’s until she was invited to “retire,” after which my boss moved in. The next office over (and slightly larger) had been occupied by our Marketing director until she moved to another one of our buildings. I was across the hall in an office without a window. I waited a respectable interval, but no one else moved into the Marketing director’s office, so I asked if I could, and they couldn’t come up with a reason to say no. 😁

      • Ownbestenemy

        Morning..foggy

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, OBE! Weather could get…interesting later, at least up here in the Miami Valley. Hope it doesn’t disrupt your day too much!

      • Ownbestenemy

        Yeah looks to be north of me where it will be a bit hectic

      • Gender Traitor

        It’s OK if it interrupts me from finishing up the Board meeting minutes (or prevents the Zoom meeting scheduled for this afternoon, darn the luck!)…but not if it keeps me from giving final approval to payroll! 😳

      • Ownbestenemy

        So 2pm and then 1030pm are the heaviest. Looks like it will roll through my area unless it trends north. Guess I should go tie down outdoor furniture and move in the pots/plants

  9. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Looks like Toyota’s trucks aren’t selling:
    https://youtu.be/YeMDlgYDWAg?si=loWYFOg_jjndwXAt

    Not the most exciting vid, just a guy filming lines of (in my view) insanely overpriced Tacomas and Tundras at a dealer that aren’t moving inventory. Screwing up their bread and butter? Maybe the Japanese aren’t quite as smart as I thought they were.

    • Gender Traitor

      I’m old enough to remember when Toyota trucks (at least some of them) were cute little things just right for the suburbanite who might occasionally have to haul stuff you couldn’t cram in a minivan. Now, as far as I can tell, virtually all pickup trucks are behemoths, but everyone has been convinced they need one. Maybe gas prices are finally disabusing them of that notion.

      • UnCivilServant

        Blame emissions standards killing the midrange between hybrids and behemoths.

      • UnCivilServant

        Now that I think of it, I’d love a car in the El Camino format

      • Gender Traitor

        Inorite?? If any auto exec had any brains, you’d think someone would revive that for the 21st century!

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Ford kind of has that with the Maverick, it’s car based at least although it looks like a truck. I’m starting to shop around but the idea of 30 large for a base model Mexico assembled Ford with a small displacement turbo motor is making me nervous. Maybe I just need to get a better utility trailer, it’d certainly be cheaper.

      • Gender Traitor

        They’re recycling the Maverick name for a truck?? (I guess they ran out of “E” words.) What’s next? A new form of Pinto?

      • Sean

        There’s the Hyundai Santa Cruz.

      • UnCivilServant

        They got the ratio wrong. That thing looks like an SUV with a peeled off back roof. Ditch the rear seats and extend the cargo bed forward to the back of the front seats.

      • Sean

        Eh, they look pretty good in person to me. Especially in that muted green color.

        *shrug*

      • Ownbestenemy

        Yep. I loved my Ford Ranger light duty truck. Just enough bed space for partying at the beach or occasionally helping a friend move.

      • Gender Traitor

        …helping a friend move.

        Oh, yeah – the eternal downside of owning any form of truck. 😖

      • UnCivilServant

        “I’ll provide the truck, you provide the laborers.”

      • Gender Traitor

        “…and the pizza and beer.”

  10. Fourscore

    Morning all but not a good one.

    Missus F leaves tomorrow for Dallas to say good bye to her niece in hospice.

    I’m staying home but may have to call 911 today. Something terribly wrong in my hip/pelvis area but not on the side I injured a few years ago. I’m hoping the pain will dissipate a little today but I’m not optimistic.

    I did get a little sleep last night though.

    • Gender Traitor

      Oh, dear! I’m so sorry to hear about Mrs. F’s niece! And you take care of yourself by taking it easy! Don’t be a hero – get that hip checked if it doesn’t get better! 😟

    • The Gunslinger

      Saying a little prayer over your hip and for Missus F. And definitely call to have them come and check you out.

  11. UnCivilServant

    I have ground beef patties in the fridge, but every time I buy cheese to put on them in cooking, I end up eating the cheese before I even open the fridge…

    🧀

    • Not Adahn

      Buy sufficient cheese that you have leftovers.

      • Sean

        Cooper sharp American is a great cheese for cheeseburgers. Melts perfectly and very creamy.