CAMP DAVID
“And this is supposed to get him all fixed up, ready for the debate?” Dr. Jill asked, tapping the side of the large vertical tank that Joe floated in.
“Yes, Dr. Biden,” the masked doctor said, “It is the finest medical care known to Educational science. A chemical nutrient bath and electrical stimulation of the skin and muscles for tone.
“You don’t have to talk down to me, Doctor. We have the same medical degree,” Dr. Jill said, knitting her Botoxed brow. “I understand the procedure, but I’m most concerned for his mind.”
“My team is doing a complete blood replacement,” he said, tracing the tubing going into Joe’s neck, and the black sludge coming out on the other side. “The finest infant blood we could find, ethically-sourced. “And the other… issue… has been solved with the temporary placement of a moisture extraction device in the colon. It should keep any… accidents… until it is removed.”
“And after the debate?” she asked.
“A high colonic flush and cleanse with glycolic acid,” the doctor answered primly. “He might even be able to do the morning talk shows.”
“Beamed in, maybe,” Dr. Jill muttered to herself. She watched as Joe floated in the up-right tube–pale, pink, hairless. “I miss 2020, we could just keep him in the basement and manage everything.”
“You should be able to make adjustments while he’s onstage, Doctor,” the doctor who was a doctor-doctor. He handed her a small black plastic oblong device.
“Looks just like a transmitter for a lapel microphones,” Dr. Jill said, amazed.
“When we get the Art Department to stop sleeping with each other and gobbling peyote, they do good work.” The doctor paused, pulled his mask away, and shoveled a handful of Skittles into his mouth. There were bowls of them all over the lab.
“Why did it have to be Pride month?” Dr. Jill asked. “He could have been out there with them, meeting all the gay dogmen and roller skating demi-humans, he could have made an official visit to to The World’s Largest Gloryhole in Denver, or frottaged a drag queen.”
At his signal, the doctor’s assistant on the scaffolding above poured another bucket of Skittles into the vertical tank.
“At least he’ll be able to taste the rainbow,” Dr. Jill said.
TRUMP TOWER
“I don’t need any debate prep,” Donald said, as he angrily paced the mock-up debate stage his daughter had installed into his private racquetball court.
“What’s wrong with being prepared?” his hair asked, his tendrils massaging Donald’s scalp and temples and eyebrows.
“Fuck that,” the hat said. “He’s ready. He’s going to mop the floor with that old man.”
“I just worry,” the hair said. “I don’t want him to look foolish.”
“We’ll both be there with him,” the hair replied.
“I don’t need any debate prep,” Donald growled. “I am prepared to be the most prepared Incumbent-in-exile of all time.”
“Oh, no, no, no,” the hair said. “No talk about that last election. Democrats will pounce.”
“I thought only Republicans could pounce,” the hat said mockingly.
“Please stop trying to talk in nothing but Internet memes,” the hair said.
“I don’t need any debate prep!” Donald bellowed. “What I need is for you two, two, you two yahoos to stop fighting all the time.” Donald snatched his hair off his head and threw it at the hat.
“Never!” the hat vowed as he and the hair began to grapple on the podium. The hair hissed, inarticulate with rage.
AN UNDISCLOSED LOCATION BENEATH HARLEM
Hillary slipped another needle into the wax figure of Joe Biden, going for the hip again, chanting, “Stairs, stairs, stairs,” under her breath.
The World’s Largest Gloryhole in Denver
San Francisco haz a sad.
It was mostly built as a tourist attraction. People just go there to gape.
OMG
yeeeesssssss
ALOL, admittedly as much for kinnath’s reaction as the reply
That deserves both a narrow gaze and a pucker.
Boo!
😱
Boo she said
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlM3CKXJs5k
BOO, or BLOO?
Ah, so it’s in the Goatse building?
I was thinking about Keith Richards just the other day.
*raises hand*
I have a question about the use of the word ‘deni’. In context, can I presume that the definition of that word is plausible? Because that is some funny stuff. Especially following a post by our much beloved STEVE SMITH.
Yeah, a typo. I originally had “hemi-human,” decided that just looked like a typo, then made an actual typo to correct it. It’s already been a long day.
Took me by surprise. And then I larfed. Then I scratched my head and stared at my coffee wondering if my brain was even working.
So, typo or not, it’s still a win, in my opinion.
So, roller skating Knobgoblin’s?
When did SF abandon satire and mockery for factual reporting?
Right from the start?
You’re probably right.
When has he ever done satire?
Hillary slipped another needle into the wax figure of Joe Biden, going for the hip again, chanting, “Stairs, stairs, stairs,” under her breath.
Perfect conclusion.
I first thought it was Jill, went back and read it again. Now it makes sense.
And what Homple said…
We don’t want him to melt!
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c0xxjn07d6qo
Ha! I wish that had been filmed over time and turned into a short one-minute film.
“It is the finest medical care known to Educational science”
Bravo.
“You don’t have to talk down to me, Doctor. We have the same medical degree,” Dr. Jill said, knitting her Botoxed brow.
Starts off with the punchline. Thanks SF
Also:
The best kind of Sciencing.
Also also:
I bet her whole head is nothing but Botox.
How, exactly, does she knit her brow?
Is she reaching up to move it with her hands or is someone from Jim Henson Studios just off camera manipulating it with strings and cables?
The Hair is more life-like than her forehead.
“When we get the Art Department to stop sleeping with each other and gobbling peyote, they do good work.”
Beautiful.
Excellent job. Now I’m ready for the debate.
We should have a debate party. Live Zoom with drinking game, or the like.
You people are masochists.
My liver and brain are already complaining, oddly a bit like the hat and the hair.
Dude, I get that things are bad, but suicide isn’t the answer…
The drinking game could be “when Biden is coherent, take a drink.”
You’d all be sober as judges.
Drink every time there is a blatantly false claim made and stated as a given fact.
Dead in 15 minutes.
CNN at the gym this morning had a countdown the the “Historic Debate”.
What makes it historic?
Both candidates are old enough for sedimentary layers?
The Tool vs. The Drool!
The Debate for the Reprobate!
The Stage for the Stooge!
It’s historic as it’ll be the first completely
AILLM dreamed debate? The first debate with no live audience? The first debate where people are expecting some form of video/audio trickery?Videodrome debate!
Max Headroom Biden?
Mumble in the Jumble (H/T Don Surber)
Max Bathroom vs. Videodon
“I think the clay wall is electrified.”
Where would we be without them?
TSA is has installed eleven new computed tomography (CT) scanners in Terminal B in time for the summer travel season. These new state-of-the-art advanced CT scanners provide 3-D imaging that provide for TSA officers to enhance explosives detection capabilities for screening carry-on items.
“TSA is committed to getting the best technology to enhance security and improve the screening experience,” Carter said. “Our officers’ use of CT technology substantially improves our threat detection capability at the checkpoint. The CT technology applies advanced algorithms for the detection of explosives, including liquid explosives and other threat items.”
The system applies sophisticated algorithms for the detection of explosives by creating a 3-D image that can be viewed and rotated 360 degrees on three axes for thorough visual image analysis by a transportation security officer. This new technology creates such a clear image of a bag’s contents that the system can automatically detect explosives, including liquids, by shooting hundreds of images with an X-ray camera spinning around the conveyor belt to provide TSA officers with the three-dimensional views of the contents of a carry-on bag.
If not for the TSA thousands of airplanes would be blown out of the sky every year!
Boeing is working on a solution to that.
Hey! I saw that back in Enemy of the State!
https://simpleflying.com/airbus-shares-drop-following-profit-forecast-cut/
Airbus has revealed a reduction in its profit forecast, which has sent its shares plummeting. The European airplane maker continues to face issues related to its supply chain, and a shortage of parts has affected the production of the bestselling A320 family of aircraft.
I know it’s your industry, but Airbus and Boeing a perfect example of what happens when you let McKinsey & Co through your door.
See also the US automotive industry. Just take everything that was once done inhouse and spin it out and buy it from them. That way shareholders can only in the businesses with high ROE. What could go wrong?
Bonus – https://arstechnica.com/space/2024/05/the-surprise-is-not-that-boeing-lost-commercial-crew-but-that-it-finished-at-all/3/
The industry has forgotten how to make products and forgotten how to make money.
If you have to have a consultant tell you how to run your business, you’re fucked.
https://despair.com/products/consulting
If you’re not a part of the solution, there’s good money to be made in prolonging the problem.
Jack Welchism had as much to do with Boeing’s fall as McKinsey did.
Homple – did their CEO have an affair with the HBR writer assigned to do the fawning “case study” too?
A Boeing employee predicted the consequences of thoughtless outsourcing in a 2001 internal paper. It’s a pdf out on the internet. It’s still relevant.
BOEING PAPER MDC 00K0096
OUT-SOURCED PROFITS –THE CORNERSTONE OF SUCCESSFUL SUBCONTRACTING
By Dr. L. J. HART-SMITH
Sensei, yes, there was some Csuite diddling at Boeing.
Maine is giving SF a run for his money.
TW: Butt stuff
JFC.
If one of those things ‘overtaxes your anus’, you’ve obviously not traveled…
I will say that for preventing the transmission of hep and AIDS, boofing is probably better than sharing needles…
Yeah, but so is a Fen-Fen beer bong.
Whatever I may end or see elsewhere is just a facade (cheap fake?). Here is where I find reality.
Read or see.
Orff.
This is the truthiest site in the whole of the Internet
I missed so much in my youth, trying to catch now is really tough.
Missed it this morning but I see the Supremes tossed the government censorship of social media case for lack of standing. Man, do they suck or what? Maybe that area will be sufficiently ripe in thirty or forty years so keep y’all’s chins up.
Yeah, they just gave Joe license to steal another election.
I wonder what they’re preparing to censor this time.
I expect that the SCOTUS will Biden their undies when Trump wins, despite the coming fraud, and realize what they gave him the power to do.
Yeesh, the new Toyota Tacoma is apparently having issues with their manual transmissions croaking at low miles:
https://youtu.be/FrJuqMpA_HY?si=KLrxava9dhsnVp9n
If I want an overpriced truck that pukes transmissions and engines before the first year’s out I’ll buy domestic.
There is no one to be trusted anymore.
There is, but you have to go back in time a little.
I have four vehicles, all made before 2020. I need to see how long I can keep them all running. Buying new is no longer an option.
That’s not good. Jeep JL was having similar issues with its manuals. Toyota also is having issues with manufacturing debris in its new V6 in its pickups too. However, it’s Toyota they’ll fix and fix it properly unlike, say, Ford.
Related – do you want a 5,400 pound “sport” sedan?
https://www.thedrive.com/news/the-new-bmw-m5-is-heavier-than-an-x5-slower-than-the-old-m5-to-60
Same with the Tundra. Apparently they fucked up machining the block and the things are grenading left and right.
Not good.
I read that some dealers won’t take the new Tundra on trade until the engine recall is completed.
So you are stuck driving a truck that could grenade at any moment. And if you use it for business good luck get another truck as a loner from the dealer. I’m picturing some contractor with stuck with a Corolla while making Tundra sized payments.
And speaking of not good,
You know, it’s almost as if complexity is the enemy of reliability. Who knew?
I read that some dealers won’t take the new Tundra on trade until the engine recall is completed.
I wonder if they even have parts. The Taco video suggested that there aren’t any trannies on the ground here yet, so it could be 2-4 months.
I’d be miffed.
Someone in my neighborhood just bought a Cybertruck. Holy fucknuts, those things are hideous.
But I also can’t help thinking that if you swapped out the engine and running gear, say a rebuilt Caddy 500 CID, tranny out of a 1977 Suburban, and Wagoneer transfer case? That could be a pretty cool post-apocalypse rat-rod…
Ford and GM have been refunding monthly payments or prorated amounts if paid cash when their trucks have been in the shop for months due to back order or inability to figure out what’s going on. Or just lemon law the vehicle and start over.
Tundra – there are so many “influencers” courting clicks I’ll reserve judgement.
Tesla has multiple redundancies to cut power if the brakes are depressed. Every single headline grabbing unintended acceleration case with a Tesla has been proven to be user error that I’ve read. They have really good telemetry to back this up. In this case an an EV is simpler than ICE to modulate and kill a motor.
Seen Cybertrucks driving around but finally saw one up close. Poor guy (yes, he looked exactly like you’d expect a Cybertruck driver to look like) was have difficulty maneuvering that boat in a Dairy Queen parking lot.
Rivian has been displaced from its hideous truck podium.
Sensei: I agree, but they had a recall back in April for this very thing. It will be interesting to watch this.
I miss mechanical connections/actuation.
Tundra – funny enough the Tesla acceleration recall was mechanical.
Their supplier assembled the accelerator pedal with unapproved soap (take that Spirt AeroSystems!) and the cover was popping off and jamming the accelerator on. It’s a perfect example of why you need to partner with a supplier. All the PR goes against Tesla, but in this case the supplier winds up eating the dollar costs of the recall.
Sensei:
Yeah, that’s right – too funny. For this one they are exploring the possibility of the controller and accelerator losing connection or some such fuckery.
With all the data logging we should know soon.
Same with the Tundra.
Is this self-referential?
Are you having issues with your thing grenading?
About once a decade there is some sort of “unintended acceleration” case, from Audi back in the eighties, to Toyota about… a decade ago. And they all turn out to be BS.
I’ll never buy a truck that doesn’t have a mount for a .50 cal as a factory option.
I’m very careful with my 2018 Tacoma, because it’s going to need to last forever. If I had to get a new truck tomorrow, I honestly don’t know what I’d do.
My son said the same thing about his 2022. V6 and manual.
If something happened to my truck, I know insurance would not give me near enough to replace it with one in the same shape.
TFL broke a front diff on a brand new one spinning on snow.
9:58 in this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svD7Mx2xius
Definitely something a 4X4 truck should handle.
Funny enough I read an explanation on that. It was in some electronic mode that locked either a differential or an axle in way that Toyota didn’t think was possible. They’ve locked it out from being able to do it in updated firmware.
I don’t know how many trucks with this defect are on the wild, but I’d bet this impacts only a few hundred and it’s an easy fix. But it also points to the stupid complexity of modern vehicles.
gay dogmen
Ha! Yeah, the whole “puppy play” thing is both hilarious and horrible. Deserves mockery.
Prude.
Commander haz a sad.
That was a biting comment.
We need to nip these puns in the bud. I suggest we sit down over a growler.
Spot on.
In further “our government really royally fucking sucks” news.
1) “Well DUH!!” has to be the reaction from most people paying any attention (which let’s be honest are the only ones who will read this tidbit now).
2) Love how “The CIA had active contractors screwing with US domestic politics, explicitly violating their charter” becomes not “We will therefore disband the Agency because it has proven it has slipped its bounds” or “We will fire all senior Agents because they’re obviously not capable of oversight”… but rather “We call on the CIA to do a better job regulating itself — or we’ll say Stop! again…”
Pathetic.
You have the power of the purse. It is your only real power, especially with the Executive out of control. USE IT!
Water under the bridge, what difference does it make at this point, etc.
do you want a 5,400 pound “sport” sedan?
That’s practically a lightweight special.
Given all the extra stuff they cram in these days — that actually doesn’t sound inordinate. My “sporty” (not up to Sloopy standards, granted) coupe is apparently 3340 pounds after all.
Just remember that Colin Chapman’s legacy now has a Chinese made SUV with a Lotus badge on it.
It’s a mere 5,800 lbs of “lightness”.
These are truly end times.
high colonic flush
Stupid abortion of a series Kevin Spacey version House of Cards completely dominates YT results so can’t find a video clip of Penny Guy saying she specializes in colonic irrigation.
Queue the ‘I Did That’ meme
Someone in the article / on X says what we probably all are thinking:
They’ll either lie and say it’s not true, or blame real estate agents or someone else.
One of your very best SF. Standing ovulation! [Wrt to the subtype of humans]
Now you’re just egging him on.
Swiss will be by to tampon this.
A cracked egg shall be my sigil when I ascend. And we will ride into battle under it as this song echoes in the minds of our enemies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5x5NCDYB1Lc&ab_channel=randomaccess
Oh Volkswagen, how you’ve strayed.
https://www.thedrive.com/news/tech/the-2025-vw-golf-r-is-a-gigantic-tablet-with-a-hot-hatch-around-it
Blech.
Disgusting.
But it will make yours more valuable.
I’ve parked the Jeep for the week and I’m driving mine. It’s such a joy to zip around in.
Nice.
I love VW/Audi. My wife actually prefers her Passat over our Q5. She wants an even smaller and zippier one and has her eye on the A3.
No sir, I’m not drunk. I’m just trying to change my fan speed.
Getting away from physical buttons and switches is stupid on cars.
Obviously you’re supposed to get a mindlink chip and control it with a thought instead of using the touchscreens.
I am so glad I got the Mega-Jeep (Grand Cherokee L) when I did. It has a little screen, down low out of my line of sight. As God intended.
According to some half-assed googling, 5400 pounds is probably 1500 pounds more than my four wheel drive ’84 gmc pickup.
How far we’ve come.
My ’01 2500 weighs in at a svelte 6500.
Diesel, long bed, quad cab and 4X4 all factor in.
The Biden Justice Department raided their boss’s political enemy.
They turned off the security cameras.
Then they concocted evidence.
That they immediately released to turn public opinion against Trump.
And even filed with the court.
This is a big problem for Jay Bratt.
https://x.com/mrddmia/status/1805590247436148870
They did what they had to do. If Biden hadn’t weaponized the justice department, Trump might win and weaponize the justice department, which would be the end of democracy.
Diesel, long bed, quad cab and 4X4 all factor in.
That diesel motor probably weighs twelve hundred pounds.
Mine’s a gas four speed long bed single cab. It looks like a mini truck parked next to the monsters people drive now.
I learned to drive in my Dad’s 2400lb Datsun 520, which is positively tiny compared to anything these days, but it did have that screaming 1300cc motor!
https://www.foxbusiness.com/lifestyle/airplane-suddenly-drops-25000-feet-air-mid-flight-injuring-17-passengers
Over a dozen plane passengers were injured after their flight dropped 25,000 feet and flew in circles several times, flight tracker data shows.
The flight, Korean Air 189, departed from Seoul, South Korea, at around 4 p.m. local time on Saturday. Although the plane was expected in Taichung, Taiwan, around three hours later, the flight quickly diverted back to Seoul after it reached the southern tip of the Korean peninsula.
According to FlightAware, the aircraft was a Boeing 737 MAX 8. Yonhap News Agency reported that the diversion was caused by a problem with the plane’s pressurization system.
During the diversion, the aircraft made a steep 25,000-foot descent — roughly 4.75 miles — over the course of around eight minutes, injuring roughly 17 of the flight’s 125 passengers.
The max just keeps getting better.
No idea how I managed to get my comment into the middle of the quoted text.
Sure they’ve got some bumps and bruises but at least they aren’t stuck in outer space. Way to go Boeing.
Sane people: “Stop! You are going to destroy competency. It will cause our society to collapse and cost people their lives!”
The Left: *Huge Grin* – “We know.”
Speaking of completely fucking irritating, the dishwasher I had installed one year and four months ago just took a complete shit on me, to the tune of $600. And a new one is $400.
Don’t buy a Whirlpool, they have gone completely to shit.
Ouch.
Had the same problem. Got an LG, blew up in a year. Got a whirlpool, same. For now I git another whirlpool and a longer warranty. Everything is shit now.
Yes, Whirlpool / KitchenAid has gone down hill. The Korean brands haven’t wowed me either and don’t have a great repair record.
Knocking wood- both my wife and I have been very pleasantly surprised with our Bosch. I always thought of them as finicky, but so far very good and quiet. However, we are only a year in with the thing. It replaced a KitchenAid that was about 7 years old that started leaking.
So, my gf lost her job of 23 years today.
Dang. Sorry to hear it. Sometimes losing a job is the best thing that ever happens. I hope she finds something much better.
Thanx. I only got texts from her. I don’t know how truly upset she is right now.
Sorry. Turn your avatar upside down for that. Was it a personal thing or a group thing (layoffs)?
Budget cuts – the most senior & credentialed get cut. I don’t know if anyone else got let go too.
Having been there I can attest it’s no fun.
However, one of them definitely worked in my favor. Best of luck to her.
What’s she do / what industry? Can’t hurt to let folks here know.
Teacher (non union).
I have seen political and cultural climates like we have now but never in this country.
It’s like we have fallen into the twighlight zone.
I see Jamaal Bowman is or is thinking about sueing AIPAC for ‘brainwashing’ voters. Did I hear that right? (radio earlier on way to grocery)
Truly there is no news I could hear today that would surprise me. We have become a post-reality culture in many ways.
sueing AIPAC for ‘brainwashing’ voters
The (((weather machine))) has a secondary function.
So I have heard. How did that turn out?
I’m putting the over/under at 16 for the amount of times either Team Biden or the moderators (but I repeat myself) say the words, “convicted felon” in reference to T-Dog.
“The finest infant blood we could find, ethically-sourced. “
I had read that infant mortality was up since Roe v. Wade was overturned. This explains it.
From the morning thread, replying to CPRM:
Yes, you can make a good movie with any politics, theoretically. But this is like ignoring why Soviet cinema typically sucked. Why the commie propaganda of the 50’s sucked. And why most of the DEI infested crap today sucks.
1. They are now casting people to check boxes both in front and behind the camera. That is a recipe for disaster. When people of talent are cast aside for political reasons, you are already fucked.
2. These people are overtly political in everything they do and lack the talent to thread the needle, which is already a difficult task.
3. The people in question are vapid nepo babies to begin with. See the lead actress of the Acolyte as a prime example. No real hardship in her life, but convinced she’s an oppressed artist. They have no real experience and their politics are intellectually bankrupt.
So yes, there’s a few things with woke messaging that don’t suck. But they are the exceptions for a reason. The modern politics , in fact, sucking the life out of these properties in a number of ways.