I, Soldier – part 18

by | Jun 24, 2024 | Fiction | 83 comments

They told me to strip. I knew the hose was coming next. Yawn. They did their level best to irritate me and became increasingly frustrated by my stone face. Then one of them said “shave him dry, he’s tough.” When one came up behind me and choked me with a billy club, I decided it was time for decisive action. I don’t remember what I did exactly, it was all a blur, sort of like the way your knee jerks when you get your reflexes tested. They were sprawled out on the floor. Fight, check. Time for flight.

I grabbed my knife and ran out of the police station, knocked a guy off his dirt bike, and headed for Portland. I knew I was now a wanted man but given all the practice I had outsmarting people trying to kill me in Vietnam, I wasn’t too worried. Being an American myself, it was easy to predict what the cops were going to do.

All I had to do was get on a bus headed for Hagerstown. Once I got to Portland, I’d shave my hair and otherwise disguise myself. I’d have to steal or beg enough to buy a bus ticket though. That part wouldn’t be too hard though. Without my wallet, I had no money and no ID. I also had no warm clothes and still hadn’t eaten. When, it rains, it pours. At least I didn’t have to worry about hypothermia in the jungle.

When I least expected it, I heard sirens and the roar of a cop car engine. Good lord, this son of a bitch is nuttier than squirrel turd! What is it with fat, small-town sheriffs? You’d think unlimited donuts would keep them happy. But I digress. Often.

Well, driving a car fast on uneven ground is asking for trouble, and sure enough, Sheriff Numbnuts flipped his car. Not sure how he got elected sheriff, but it certainly wasn’t on the basis of intelligence. Up ahead, I could see state troopers and a roadblock. Well, at least they’re not shooting at me. Yet. At this point, I kind of wished I had just left town or let them shave me. I’d have spent a night in comfy American jail, where they give you decent food and try not to kill you. Sometimes it really is just easier to let morons and assholes win, I just never liked doing it. So much hardship for so long. And for what?

I ditched the bike and ran into the woods. Thank god I had the presence of mind to get my knife back. But not enough to grab my wallet. I got so used to not having one overseas that I still hadn’t got into the habit. Whatever, time to find or make some warm clothes. I came across an abandoned cabin. It was probably some old coot’s bomb shelter or something. Jackpot. There was even some canned food inside and none were bulging from botulism bacteria. Here’s a cool trick: you can open a can without a can opener by rubbing it on a hard surface. The cans are sealed with a rolled seam, which isn’t very strong or thick, but easy and cheap to make quickly. Once I rubbed off enough the seam, I could pry off the lids with my knife. Awesome, I ate my fill. Nothing’s better that satisfying your hunger through your wits. It’s the best sauce in the world. I didn’t find any clothes, but I did find a gunny sack and some rope. I used them to fashion a tunic and a belt. I was tempted to yell out “I’m Spartacus!” at that moment. By the way, who just leaves rope and gunny sacks lying around? It was like something out of a movie.

OK, now it was time to strategize. As long as I stayed in the woods, I had all the advantages. If I could stay hidden here for a week or two, they’d stop looking for me and I could escape. And that was the moment when I heard the helicopter, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t some guy taking a flying lesson. Normally, I like the sound of helicopters, but not when I’m in survival mode. I heard the rumble of waterfall in the distance, so I headed for that. I’d hide there til after dark and then spend the night in the cabin. I had food, clothing, shelter, and a knife. That’s about all I need to stay alive. What I really missed, besides Alexandra, was music. This is when it’s nice to have a good memory. When I was stranded at that village, I spent a lot of time thinking about my favorite songs. Same deal when I was at the outpost. Music is not essential for life, but it sure makes it more pleasant.

I reached the waterfall and looked for a good place to hide. There was a small cave of sorts behind the waterfall, so I went in there. Then I heard dogs barking. I had forgotten about dogs. The enemy didn’t use them in Vietnam. I was not eager to find out if Fido truly was man’s best friend. I peeked out from my hidey hole and saw two cops, one with a bloodhound. Fuck. It’s hard to exaggerate how good a sense of smell they have. Say what you will about redneck hunters, they know how to train dogs. OK, time for a new plan. Wait for them to get close, disable them, take anything useful, tie up the dog close enough to the water so it can drink, run like hell deeper into the woods.

There was another blur of violence, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t stab anyone. I stole the cop’s radio. It was my old friend the AN/PRC-77 Army radio. He must have borrowed it from the National Guard or something. And then it hit me. Damn, the weekend warriors are getting in on the action too. I heard the helicopter again. Time to make myself scarce. Heading uphill was logical, as it would give me the high ground and tire them out if anyone else came in to chase after me. Plenty of cover and concealment too. I scored a lighter at the cabin and used to make a fire once it got real dark, and I didn’t hear the helicopter anymore. I was getting nice and toasty when the radio crackled to life.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

83 Comments

  1. Derpetologist

    I got a job offer as a substitute teacher in the next county over. So that’s good. SpaceX rejected me for the chemical engineering job involving the manufacture of thermal tiles. Oh well, I don’t feel like moving again anyway. Off to the gym for some strength training soon.

    I started writing a new novella Friday. My goal is 40k words in 20 installments. I picked 40k as a nod to another sci-fi franchise. I’m trying to use a variety of sources for inspiration this time.

    https://platedlizard.blogspot.com/2024/06/hired-raygun-part-1.html

    • R.J.

      Everything except SpaceX is pleasing. I think you would do good there.

      • R C Dean

        I would think SpaceX is the dream job for most of the very best in technical fields. The competition has to be off the charts.

      • rudimentary teats formerly known as pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        Elon recently made everybody at SpaceX work on Thanksgiving day.

        I don’t mind working hard. My current job is sometimes hard, but at least I get holidays off.

      • Brochettaward

        The son-of-a-bitch made people work on the holidays? That’s only for the hoi polloi!

      • rudimentary teats formerly known as pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        Meh.

        I know I am good at what I do. I am driven internally. I don’t need to chase mythical firsts.

        Plus I like to cook for Thanksgiving.

      • Brochettaward

        I don’t need to chase mythical firsts.

        And that is why no one will remember your name.

      • dbleagle

        I have read multiple accounts by former SpaceX workers, including by a person I know and respect.

        The company sounds like a great job for self starters but almost everybody is completely burned out inside of three years. Musk doesn’t fire many engineers, most recognize themselves that they are past their peak and voluntarily depart with proud accomplishments and needing a respite.

      • rudimentary teats formerly known as pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        And that is why no one will remember your name.

        Given a long enough timeline, no one will remember yours either.

        All that pumping and strutting. For what? Does it give your life meaning?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Given my competitive youth on a hockey team and military…a holiday is what you make of it; not the national day.

  2. rhywun

    OT LOL…

    I heard about this music festival via word-of-mouth today, and while I can concede that I am probably not the target audience for this stuff even if there is one band listed that I do own and like, I have never heard of any of the others. But… I kind of have to know what “Organ Fairchild” is all about. 😯

    • slumbrew

      Old Crow Medicine Show… and that’s it.

      And I only know one song by them.

      • rhywun

        It was probably one of you lot who posted a vid that I liked and I bought the album. I don’t remember which track it was.

      • slumbrew

        Wagon Wheel is the only song I know.

      • rhywun

        Not on the album I bought.

        I suppose I’ll have to finally listen to the whole thing now. (My backlog is insane.)

      • Gender Traitor

        Mavis Staples. Because Mavis Fucking Staples, bitchezz. And I’m pretty sure Molly Tuttle is a favorite of Old Man’s.

      • rhywun

        Respect. I hope the many commercials featuring that song have made her stupid rich.

        Yeah, I was thinking Old Man with all the roots and bluegrass and Americana stuff. It’s just a quick jaunt to the east from Glibs’ Gulch.

      • Gender Traitor

        Ermagerd!!! She’s performing practically in our back yard on her 85th birthday!!! 😃
        I may have to speak with someone about this…

      • rhywun

        Good grief, I only hope I can perform in any, probably less impressive, ways if and when I’m 85. Dayum.

      • rhywun

        Yeah, the organ is definitely the highlight for me.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      Who do you think is better, Dead Sea Squirrels or Dead Sea Swirls?

    • Timeloose

      I like a lot of what is at the festival. But I do think that zydeco is what they play in hell’s waiting room.

  3. hayeksplosives

    Good luck in the new endeavors, derp!

    Don’t give up on SpaceX.

  4. hayeksplosives

    C’mon, Oilers!!

    • rhywun

      Disappointed.

      • slumbrew

        Same.

      • rhywun

        In concurrent and happier news, Brasil could not score against plucky Costa Rica.

      • slumbrew

        Just switched over to that 🙂

        Go Ticos!

      • slumbrew

        And the Bruins traded Ullmark for… not much. Oy.

      • Chipping Pioneer

        Well, rats.

      • Chipping Pioneer

        I do not understand how threading works on the new system.

      • Chipping Pioneer

        Only 2 levels? Goddammit, WordPress!

      • Brochettaward

        There’s simply fewer layers. So, by the third response level everyone is just replying to one another.

      • Brochettaward

        I’m sure there’s lots of good things about the update for the people running the site. But I miss the script that let you jump to new comments and the threading does suck.

      • rhywun

        It keeps you on your toes.

        FWIW Eyepiece has been updated and works fine for me – I cycle through new comments just like always.

      • Mojeaux

        FWIW Eyepiece has been updated and works fine for me – I cycle through new comments just like always.

        Doesn’t for me.

      • Mojeaux

        I do not understand how threading works on the new system.

        We are all Brooks now.

      • Gender Traitor

        The new & improved Monocle/Eyepiece works for me on my laptop (Windows 10 Pro/Firefox) and now even on my Android phone since I switched browsers (at slummy’s suggestion, I believe) to Firefox Nightly. (Thanks again for the updates, slummy and trashy!)

  5. hayeksplosives

    Today is my first day wearing Bose hearing aids. Direct to customer, no docs involved.

    Been really fun so far! I’m watching the Stanley cup so I’ve used the accompanying app to focus on sound from the front and to fiddle with bass and treble. So fhe high pitched voices of the gaggling bird women behind me are almost muted but thr hockey in front of me is perfect.

    And legendary bose cancelling is in force.

    So far so good…

    • Chipping Pioneer

      WHAT??!!??

      • hayeksplosives

        Jerk says “what?!?!”

        I don’t strictly speaking need them. But I have found them to be fun. Even today: “Does anyone know where splosixes is?” And I just listened to what the troops said. It was amusing.

      • hayeksplosives

        My hunny bunny likes to watch a little pointless YouTube before sleep, and he has the sound turned down so far that I have trouble at times: he’s 57 and I am 50, but I have been around artillery for a long time.

        So I will continue to play with my Bose headphones. I bought them a couple of years ago after they won a lawsuit about whether they could sell direct to public or had to go through a government approved facility:

  6. rudimentary teats formerly known as pistoffnick (370HSSV)

    Dual light show tonight:

    The Northern Lights are active and the fireflies are out in force. Kinda cool.

    • dbleagle

      Good for you! That sounds amazing to watch.

    • hayeksplosives

      Haven’t seen a good batch of fireflies in years!

      Wishing you an enchanting evening!

      • Timeloose

        They seem to be making a comeback in the east this year.

        Nothing like my youth, but they were out in force last weekend.

      • rhywun

        Speaking of nature… I saw a four-legged pest 🦌 well inside city limits today.

        For a split second I thought I was looking at an especially large but skinny dog, then my brain did a sideways flip into reality.

      • slumbrew

        We had a coyote scrambling down the block a couple years back.

        Surprised we don’t see more, with all the damn rabbits around (although palm-sized baby bunnies hopping about are adorable).

        Had a turkey in the driveway last month, too

  7. Ownbestenemy

    Ah glad Florida won. What makes me mad and this is something I guess comes with old age…I absolutely hate McDavid. Yet, in my youth, I’d be emulating any style I could from the phenomenal play he possesses.

  8. Festus

    Coilers lost but I feel shame about my gleeful reaction. I’ve been catching myself lately taking way to much joy in other’s unhappiness. Not very stoic of me.

    • Festus

      It’s like hating Marchand but wishing that he played for your favorite team.

      • Festus

        Supposed to be a reply to OBE. Matters not in the grand schema.

      • rhywun

        Oof, that puts it in perspective. I don’t really know much about that other guy.

        Yeah, I stoic my way thru sports results. I don’t really give a shit at the end of the day; it’s mostly just amusing background noise for me.

      • slumbrew

        Yes, you would love Marchy if he was on your team.

        I felt that way about. P.K. Subban.

      • slumbrew

        Marchand is interesting, too, because he started out as a chippy (to the point of dirty) player but his actual play in the back half of his career has been much more skillful and far refer antics.

        But everyone else just remembers how he started in the league.

  9. Festus

    Apropos of nothing, I watched part of one of those post-menstrual films on Netflix last night. It starred Craig Ferguson and was actually quite charming. In the final credits I discovered that it was written, directed and produced by Kathy Lee Gifford. Judi liked the flick but I’d imagine many ladies of a certain age wouldn’t mind being wooed by Craig. Did he need the money or was he just doing someone a solid?

    • Brochettaward

      He was angling for some cougar poon.

    • Beau Knott

      Have you seen Saving Grace? Ferguson wrote it & has a medium-size role. Some *very* funny moments. The town’s countdown to “lights on” (in Grace’s grow room) is hysterical.

    • UnCivilServant

      There’s no such thing as National Catfish

      • Not Adahn

        I thought they had merged with US Catfish to form General Catfish.

      • UnCivilServant

        You’re thinking of Standard Catfish.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      L7 wasn’t your typical chick band.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean, Beau, U, NA, Stinky, homey, and OBE!

      • Ownbestenemy

        Morning!

      • Gender Traitor

        How’s it going on your side of the river?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Not too shabby. Vacation starts tomorrow so going to see if I can get out of here a bit early today. Things I didn’t do in Vegas, which is take time off.

      • Gender Traitor

        Heading back to Vegas to check on the young’uns, or going some place pleasant? 😉

  10. Tres Cool

    suh’ fam
    whats goody

    Hey from Syracuse

    TALL FINGER LAKES CANS!

    • UnCivilServant

      What are you doing in my old hometown?

    • Ted S.

      Do they make tall cans of Genesee Cream Ale?

  11. Ownbestenemy

    I don’t see the issue

    Why Melania Trump might not live with husband Donald full-time in the White House if he wins the presidential election, according to friends and allies

    Oh…according to sources

    ‘Her view is unelected, not paid,’

    Probably the most correct view any recent first lady has had.

    Morning Glibies!

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      When it comes to the first lady I just don’t give a rat’s ass. The role they play as a contrived national mommy is nonsense anyway.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Kinda why I laughed at the article. Obviously written for the ladies in the country, but ya..you can run initiatives within the prescribed budget that was approved by Congress (I know, we don’t do that anymore) and read to kids, but you are not elected to represent jack shit.

  12. juris imprudent

    Good morning, found out the new well hit water at 120 feet, I had guessed 150. I did not guess 50gpm!

    • R C Dean

      Holy moly. 50 gpm is enough for several households. 👍

  13. UnCivilServant

    Internal Server error again? Or can I post now?

    • Ownbestenemy

      Sorry, this post was not approved

  14. UnCivilServant

    Anyone know where to shop for whole head or whole leaf saurkraut?

    My internet searches have failed me.