The Hat and The Hair: Episode 197

by | Jun 5, 2024 | Hat and Hair | 74 comments

“FATHER!” Barron’s voice reverberated through the long glass halls of Trump Tower as he ran. “FATHER! I SHALL AVENGE YOU!”

He ran and ran until his Mother appeared before him in her elegant mourning blacks.

“Stop, my Son, stop,” she said, her slight vampire accent thick with sleep and anti-anxiety meds.

“They’ve taken, Father!” Barron said. “The hated Bidens have seized him! A curse upon the entire line!” He drew a devotional card featuring Joe martyred in his hospital bed on January 6th, 2021. He threw it on the marble before her, spat, and then tread on once, twice with his giant loafers.

“Your Father has appeals left to Him,” Melania said, yawning wide. “He remains free.”

“Where is He? I must speak with Him!”

“He is with His special advisors, my Son. Take at least a Big Mac or a Filet-O-Fish as tribute,” she said, shuffling back to bed. It was 2:30 in the afternoon.


“Father?” Barron called as he tapped on the door. “Father, I must speak to you!” The cooling Filet-O-Fish in his hand dripped tartar sauce on the floor.

“Who is it?” Donald demanded querulously.

“‘Tis Barron, Father, your son!”

“You’re not the one with the teeth are you?” Donald asked. Barron could hear smothered giggling.

“No, Father, I am… the tall one?”

“Barron!” Donald said, sweeping open the door to the Midtown Oval Office grandly. He was wearing a sweat-stained wifebeater, TRUMP 2018 off-print boxers, and a tattered terry cloth Air Force One bathrobe.

Barron did not see his Father without His toupee very often, and the man looked sad and small and old. Barron rebelled against these thoughts, the shame of disloyalty crushing them down.

“I heard, Father,” Barron said in a teenage rush of words, “I saw, I know.”

“The greatest legal injustice in the entire history of all time,” Donald said, puffing a bit. He gathered his robe around himself, looked for the belt to tie it off and let it fall back open and shrugged when it was not there.

“I brought you this, Father,” Barron said, holding out the Filet-O-Fish. “Mother thought…” Donald ripped the sandwich from his hand and ate it in three huge bites, wrapper and all.

“Come in, Son,” he said, wiping off his hands and face with the robe. Crossing back to his desk, Donald realized he was bald and cast about for his errant hair. “Where are you?” he grumbled.

“Possibly by your hat, Father?” Barron said.

Donald narrowed his eyes. This was the first time Barron had acknowledged his father was bald since he was a small child. Donald shuffled over the low table where his iconic red hat sat and picked it up. His toupee fell out of it and drifted to the floor.

“What were you doing?” he asked the hair as he picked it up. “I hate it when you two are getting along.”

“Father, I have something to tell you…” Barron began. Donald shook his hairpiece out and jammed it roughly onto his head. The hat he dropped on the floor.

“Father, I need…”

“Get yourself off the floor,” Donald said to the hat.

“FATHER!” Barron cried. “I will never think of you as a convicted felon!”

Donald nodded and the giant teen lumbered from the room, fighting back fierce tears.


“He’s weak, Donald,” the hat said as he was picked up.

“He’s just young,” the hair said as he massaged Donald’s scalp.

“He’s bitch-made and needs to toughen the fuck up,” the hat said.

“Asshole,” the hair muttered. He turned around and around on Donald’s head, settled and ostentatiously fell asleep.

“I’m hungry, Donald,” the hat whined.

Donald retched once and let a dollop of mashed-up Filet-O-Fish fall into the upturned hat from his mouth.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

74 Comments

  1. kinnath

    Barron could kick the shit out of Hunter.

    • The Artist Formerly Known as Lackadaisical

      I’d pay to see that.

  2. pistoffnick (370HSSV)

    “He’s bitch-made and needs to toughen the fuck up,” the hat said.

    Good line. Good advice!

    • The Artist Formerly Known as Lackadaisical

      Sometimes you need tough love.

  3. Sean

    *wipes away a single tear*

    It’s…beautiful.

    • juris imprudent

      Truly, a marvel in its entirety.

      But as tribute actually made me bellow.

    • WTF

      We are truly not worthy of the genius that is SugarFree.

  4. The Late P Brooks

    Where are the throngs of courtiers?

    • Sean

      courtiers

      Is that slang for Russian piss hookers?

      • EvilSheldon

        Throngs, not thongs.

    • juris imprudent

      What was he saying about the thongs on volleyball courts?

  5. Suthenboy

    I want to know how SUGARFREE gathers his research/intel. Hidden cameras? Magical remote viewing?

    • Sean

      His backyard birdbath doubles as a scrying pool.

    • EvilSheldon

      The ability to see the future, paired with the curse of never being believed (save by the membership of an obsure-but-weirdly-trendy political chat site)?

    • Aloysious

      My guess is he watched The Acolyte, and is channeling lesbian space witches.

    • Timeloose

      SF Ultra?

    • Bobarian LMD

      Scrying the Entrails of White House interns captured in the Kennedy Tunnels.

  6. Fourscore

    Thanks, CPRM, for bringing us the truth.

    The fathers amongst us need to hear those words from our own kids, instead of every “Dad, I need”….

  7. CPRM

    “What were you doing?” he asked the hair as he picked it up. “I hate it when you two are getting along.”

    #metoo

  8. Tundra

    …her slight vampire accent thick with sleep and anti-anxiety meds

    Still would.

    • The Artist Formerly Known as Lackadaisical

      Even more so, if anything.

  9. The Artist Formerly Known as Lackadaisical

    I’m not sure I’m allowed to post new posts or to put links…

  10. CPRM

    Oh, I saw that real life Hunter was taking tips from the Hat to defend himself. “It wasn’t a crack pipe in those pictures, it was a meth pipe!” Because everyone knows meth is classier than crack.

    • juris imprudent

      Yeah, but Hunter’s never been one to take on all the trappings of Florida Man.

    • Nephilium

      Hah! Can’t say I’m addicted to crack if I switch over to meth!

  11. Bobarian LMD

    I was anticipating Barron being subjected to the Gom Jabber by the Reverend Mother Gaius Ivana while sticking his hand into the Hat.

    Passing the test would confirm the possibility of Barron being the Kwisatz Trumperach.

      • Nephilium

        His name is a killing word!

      • juris imprudent

        But we know him by his sietch name _usuf!

  12. Tonio

    He drew a devotional card…

    Oh, my.

  13. DEG

    “Your Father has appeals left to Him,”

    “Him”. Hmm…..

    • Suthenboy

      I am gonna vote for the guy but I dont see him appealing at all.

      • Fourscore

        I’m not voting ’cause I find them all appalling

    • Gustave Lytton

      Trump is so careful about his appearance in public that that passage made me laugh. Has he ever gone below a golf polo in clothing? Never recall any photos of him in tshirts or shirtless on a vacation beach even during his The Donald reign in the 80’s.

    • Suthenboy

      Delaying…..
      “Pull your britches back up and vote for me. I am not going to rape you just yet.”

      I dont blame the grifters anymore. They are just doing what is in their nature. I blame the fucktards that vote.

      • Sensei

        Yes “indefinitely delaying”. We’ve been trying to parse that phrasing here in the office.

        For most things that is code for dead, but we could try again. However, it usually never happens. No idea here.

      • juris imprudent

        I blame the fucktards that vote.

        Paints face up like The Joker: Now we’re talking.

      • Suthenboy

        Sensei: If it means the state’s hand deeper in your pocket they will go through with it no matter how flimsy the pretense, count on it like you count on the sun rising.

    • WTF

      It’s not killed; it’s “postponed”. Until November 6, 2024, most likely.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      A delay in the congestion pricing plan start date does not require legislative approval, but the state Senate and Assembly would have to approve legislation to make up for the subsequent revenue loss to the MTA.

      By which they’ll resolve by cutting spending, right. Right? Why are you all looking at me like that?

      • Gender Traitor

        RCA dog

        Nipper! 😃

    • UnCivilServant

      It’s not dead until NYC is nuked off the face of the planet.

  14. Mojeaux

    My husband won a nugget icemaker. HOSPITAL ICE IS THE BEST ICE!

    • Suthenboy

      I need to get Mr. Mojeaux to purchase some powerball tickets for me

      • Mojeaux

        He wins more than he loses because he usually wins Kansas Lottery tickets in radio contests, so that’s free money.

      • Suthenboy

        And he has you. That is some crazy weird good
        luck he has.

      • The Other Kevin

        I’m with you Suthen. Most I’ve won is $2 from a scratch off ticket I got for Christmas. I’ve been to a casino twice and lost $60. That was enough for me.

      • Mojeaux

        And he has you. That is some crazy weird good luck he has.

        He would agree with you, but I feel like I’m the luckiest one for getting him.

    • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

      HOSPITAL ICE IS THE BEST ICE!

      My eldest daughter would beg her mother to bring home ice from the hospital cafeteria after work.

  15. Certified Public Asshat

    Unleash the hat and the hair on the jacket:

    The @LPNational presidential candidate @ChaseForLiberty has been attacked for his on trans issues as they relate to kids. He tells @TheAbridgedZach & @LizWolfeReason what he believes and it sounds…incredibly libertarian. https://t.co/uQHyiGWL7j— Nick Gillespie (@nickgillespie) June 5, 2024

    • PutridMeat

      The L/l version of mind so open your brain falls out.

      Open minded in being willing to entertain other ideas outside your realm of comfort or expertise? Good and necessary.
      Open minded to the point of not having a consistent hierarchy of value and base principles that you can use distinguish between good and bad ideas? Bad and will lead to camps and trenches filled with bodies.

      Have at it drag queens, do your thing, all consensual etc? L(l)ibertarian.
      It’s great and good for kids and your just a prude/bigot if you find it distasteful and indicative of an underlying mental illness and refuse to celebrate it? Nothing to do with L(l)ibertarian.

      Nick Gillespie trying to sell me a shit sandwich isn’t going to cajole a vote for the Libertarian candidate out of me. Congrats party, you’ve managed to lose my vote for 3 cycles in a row (baring some unforeseen brilliance and perfection from Mr Chase). My meaningless protest vote only gains any meaning as a statement of principle – you ain’t winning, so there’s no perfect enemy of the good calculus to be done here, so I can afford to be a purist. And frankly, what I’ve seen of ChaseForLiberty, it’s not really much of a purist spiral for me.

    • Suthenboy

      Got as far as Liz’s response. She has a point. I think Oliver is being earnest but the evil tranny lunatics make the same argument disingenuously in support of Mengeleing children.

      • Suthenboy

        The solution, of course, is to remove the financial incentive for the docs to be in on this horror.
        The only option for transitioning is to pay for it out of your own pocket and watch this shit wither away overnight.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      If minors can consent to hormone and drug treatments that change them forever what else can they consent to, amirite fellas?

      *(What sane people hear, rightly, when they hear people talk like that.)

      • Gender Traitor

        But they can’t get their ears pierced. 🙄

      • Nephilium

        The dichotomy of ‘children are fragile, so we must prevent them from alcohol, tobacco, sex, drugs, violence, the internet, and consequences’ compared to ‘children are rational adults who can make permanent life changing decisions, should be able to vote, and are a voice of wisdom’ hurts my brain too much to square.

      • Gender Traitor

        … and they can stay on Mommy’s or Daddy’s health insurance until they’re 26. 🙄

  16. The Late P Brooks

    RIP Parnelli.

    • juris imprudent

      Like Little Bill, I thought he was already dead. 90 is a good long run.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    The dichotomy of ‘children are fragile, so we must prevent them from alcohol, tobacco, sex, drugs, violence, the internet, and consequences’ compared to ‘children are rational adults who can make permanent life changing decisions, should be able to vote, and are a voice of wisdom’ hurts my brain too much to square.

    Yeah. Where are the people who blather about “delicate developing brains” when this crazy shit comes up?

    • The Other Kevin

      This is just like that time the thing happened!

  18. Tonio

    Okay, SugarFree submitted links but they aren’t publishing for some reason. Please stand by…

    • Gender Traitor

      Scheduled for 4 pm Central, AKA 5 pm EDT.

      • Nephilium

        Nothing to see here… move along.

    • kinnath

      Okie Dokie

  19. Beau Knott

    Good morning all!
    Today, one more from The Byrds

    Going Back

    Share and enjoy!