Glibs Guest Editorial

by | Jul 4, 2024 | History | 153 comments

The seeds of trees found purchase on the rocky outcrop. Over ages and eons the slow movement of water had eroded the stark facade. Millennia ago this had been the an ocean floor. Layers of sediment had grown to stone. Now, a vibrant forest took root on the sedimentary rock that had heaved and been shorn through glaciation. The history of the world ignored for being ordinary.

But now, finally, this lowly limestone hill had found purpose. It was the home of the campus of the foremost scientific body. A body tasked with an objective of great purpose, to divine the end of the world. Many calculations had been run, by many serious people, and the answer was found. The world would end soon. How soon? That could not be divined by the magics of science. But it was to be soon, for sure.

To divine such answers would take years and fortunes, but science demanded the answers be found. As man had progressed to such a level as had not ever been achieved, it was an assured success. At times in the past others had divined when the world would end, but they were practitioners of an archaic form, less science and more religion.

Thus it came to be in the year 2024 that the only way to save the world was to extinguish all human life. It was done under the guise of preventing a threat to human life from ruling the world, but the intent was to cleanse the world for a new golden age.

This was the third dark age. After the fall of Egypt, after the fall of Rome and finally the fall of the United States. This how we, the orangutan came to rule the earth.

-Excerpt from the Journals of Dr. Zaius

About The Author

CPRM

CPRM

Organic troll farmer.

153 Comments

  1. Suthenboy

    “The world would end soon. How soon? That could not be divined by the magics of science. But it was to be soon, for sure.”

    I was waiting for the ‘Quick! Doom is upon us! Get out your wallet! Sign over your children! Sign over your property!”

    • Fourscore

      I am getting 3-4 cash offers for my property every month. If the world ends someone will be out of a lot of money. OTOH I’ll have cash but the end of the world will render it useless.

      What’s a person supposed to do? Was all the work, saving, investing for naught? Which candidate is most likely to save the world?

      Inquiring minds and all.

      • Suthenboy

        *Pssst. The world doesnt want to be saved.

      • R C Dean

        Plan to be materially secure through the end of your life. Plan, if you care to, to leave summat to your offspring. Beyond that, plan not.

  2. Suthenboy

    I remember two charismatics that came through here, one in the early ’80s, another in late nineties. Same act for both of them.
    Spray painted all around on overpasses, signs, flyers etc was the date of the rapture. I dont remember the first but the second was Sept.7, 1997 at 8:00am. Both managed to get at least 100 people to sign over their cars and houses in anticipation of going to heaven where such worldly good would be useless.
    *facepalm*
    I remember one of them was caught after skipping town, the other I dont remember.
    I have lived through the end of the world so many times I have lost count. It is getting pretty tiresome really .
    Doom approaches. It always does, it just never arrives. See: Global cooling/global warming/climate change/climate crisis.
    Greatest scam in human history.

    • juris imprudent

      And many people just can’t get enough of the world ending.

      • Chafed

        There’s a reason millinerian cult is a repeated phrase.

  3. Don escaped Texas

    limestone

    Water dissolves limestone. Acidic water REALLY dissolves limestone. When I was at UT, the bottom fell out of the pool.

    Karst is a limestone formation that covers much of the country, so this sort of thing happens all the time in FL and KY. A hole under the Corvette museum destroyed a bunch of their collection.

    • Don escaped Texas
      • juris imprudent

        So we just need to acidify the water of Florida and erase it from the map!

      • Suthenboy

        Be patient JI, in only another 5-10K years it will be underwater anyway.

    • Suthenboy

      That’s the uncool. The cool is that dissolved limestone leaves behind really cool fossils.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      And a good Scrabble word.

    • UnCivilServant

      I just assumed everyone know what Karst formations were.

      I didn’t bother to explain the name of the city of Karststadt because I thought it was obvious.

  4. The Late P Brooks

    the only way to save the world was to extinguish all human life.

    Exterminate. EXTERMINATE.

  5. groat scotum

    Flashman at the Charge was a lot of fun. Our favorite hero drawing swords to join his fellow countrymen in arms against the heinous Muscovites! And showing such insuperable heroism as he stampedes past his own men into the ranks of the Russian menace! And executes a heroic rescue of a fellow officer, and tragically sacrifices his Russian mistress, to bring word to his English officers that their Indian territory is to be invaded! And then in the nadir of his journey, having done all he can for home and country, he joins forces with wild horsemen in Kazakhstan to heroically brunt the thrust of the imperialist Russians into Afghanistan! ALL THIS AND MORE IN THE NOVEL I JUST DESCRIBED ACCURATELY!

    • Gustave Lytton

      Rambo III is really Flashman?

    • R C Dean

      All the Flashman books are wonderful. I can highly recommend the audiobooks (available on Audible now, I believe). The reader is great.

  6. groat scotum

    Blunt. Fuck my life.

    • Ted S.

      You’re saying you want a blunt?

      • groat scotum

        Sigh.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Was ist los?

      • groat scotum

        Was fragst du?

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Was asking in earnest.

      • groat scotum

        Ich versthe (?) dich nicht. Es tut mir leid!

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Ich verstehe nicht either.

        What was your original complaint?

      • Chafed

        Toxeth it’s good to see you. Where have you been?

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Housesitting without wi-fi a few weeks ago.

        How you been?

  7. LCDR_Fish

    Re my last pist last thread- I wound up just walking home in the rain. A lot cooler than the walk out and cooler than my house – still waiting on AC repair – will call tomorrow to see if the parts are in yet.

  8. The Last American Hero

    STEVE SMITH MAKE GAIUS BEND KNEE IN GLORIOUS NEW WORLD! AND BY BEND KNEE, MEAN…

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      Which Gaius? There were a lot of them.

      • Aloysious

        Gaius Gluteous Maximus.

  9. The Late P Brooks

    Saving the planet, one ransom note at a time

    General Motors will pay nearly $146 million in penalties to the federal government because 5.9 million of its older vehicles do not comply with emissions and fuel economy standards.

    The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration said in a statement Wednesday that certain GM vehicles from the 2012 through 2018 model years did not comply with federal fuel economy requirements.

    The penalty comes after the Environmental Protection Agency said its testing showed the GM pickup trucks and SUVs emit over 10% more carbon dioxide on average than GM’s initial compliance testing claimed.

    The EPA says the vehicles will remain on the road and cannot be repaired. The GM vehicles on average consume at least 10% more fuel than the window sticker numbers say, but the company won’t be required to reduce the miles per gallon on the stickers, the EPA said.

    “Our investigation has achieved accountability and upholds an important program that’s reducing air pollution and protecting communities across the country,” EPA Administrator Michael Regan said.

    I will breathe easier now.

    • Sensei

      You missed the best part.

      Today, July 3, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced that General Motors (GM) has agreed to retire approximately 50 million metric tons (megagrams) of greenhouse gas credits to resolve excess CO2 emissions identified through EPA’s light-duty vehicle in-use testing program. This agreement is the result of an EPA investigation that identified excess CO2 emissions from approximately 5.9 million 2012-2018 model year (MY) GM vehicles currently in use.

      https://www.epa.gov/newsreleases/general-motors-agrees-retire-50-million-metric-tons-greenhouse-gas-credits-resolve

      • ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

        I wonder how the reversal of Chevron will… alter the bargain. Was this under color of law, or bureaucracy?

      • juris imprudent

        Once again the indulgences didn’t pay off.

    • Plinker762

      The EPA says the vehicles will remain on the road and cannot be repaired.

      So how does that work?

      • Fourscore

        Once the fine is paid the cars are all better. Almost, almost sounds like blackmail.

    • Shpip

      The penalty comes after the Environmental Protection Agency said its testing showed the GM pickup trucks and SUVs emit over 10% more carbon dioxide on average than GM’s initial compliance testing claimed.

      Didn’t the FedGov use something similar by VW Group to basically jail people and get rid of small, fuel-efficient diesels in the US?

      Oh, well… considering the sweetheart deal GM and the UAW got from the Obama administration, I can only say “The Democrats give, and the Democrats taketh away.”

  10. The Late P Brooks

    David Cooke, senior vehicles analyst for the Union of Concerned Scientists, questioned how GM could not know that pollution exceeded initial test by more than 10% because the problem was so widespread on so many different vehicles. “You don’t just make a more than 10% rounding error,” he said.

    Dan Becker, director of the Safe Climate Transport Campaign for the environmental group Center for Biological Diversity, said the violations by GM “show why automakers can’t be trusted to protect our air and health, and why we need strong pollution rules. Supreme Court, take notice!”

    Get a horse.

    • Suthenboy

      Concerned scientists. They’re very concerned.

  11. The Late P Brooks

    Where did those CO2 credits come from? Does Elon have to give them a refund?

  12. The Late P Brooks

    heroically brunt the thrust

    That’s not even a euphemism.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    Outrage junkies are outraged

    The National Black Farmers Association called on Tractor Supply’s president and CEO Tuesday to step down after the rural retailer announced that it would drop most of its corporate diversity and climate advocacy efforts.

    The resignation demand emerged as Tractor Supply, which sells products ranging from farming equipment to pet supplies, faces a deepening backlash over its decision, which itself came after conservative activists spoke out against the company’s work to be more socially inclusive and to curb climate change.

    In a public announcement last week, the company said it would eliminate all of its diversity, equity and inclusion roles, end sponsorships of “nonbusiness activities” like Pride festivals, and withdraw its goals for reducing carbon emissions. Critics of the new position argue that Tractor Supply is giving in to hate and harming its customers by abandoning crucial principles.

    Let the hate flow through you.

    • Shpip

      The National Black Farmers Association called on Tractor Supply’s president and CEO Tuesday to step down after the rural retailer announced that it would drop most of its corporate diversity and climate advocacy efforts.

      I’m guessing that Tractor Supply’s BOD will give the organization’s opinion all the deference that it’s due.

    • Suthenboy

      National Black Farmers Association. Uh huh. Another tax exempt commie front? I am guessing yes. It looks like most of their activity is political and in lock step with the Democratic Party.

  14. DEG

    Thus it came to be in the year 2024 that the only way to save the world was to extinguish all human life. It was done under the guise of preventing a threat to human life from ruling the world, but the intent was to cleanse the world for a new golden age.

    We told you you shouldn’t vote for ORANGEMANBAD.

  15. KK, Plump & Unfiltered

    I get strong Douglas Adams vibes…great piece!

  16. KK, Plump & Unfiltered

    Anyone be Zooming?

    • Shpip

      I don’t have much in the way of July 4th traditions, but I always try to watch A Capitol Fourth on (shudder) PBS.

      I’ll be on after the fireworks in the Tidal Pool have concluded.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Heck, you paid for it. From contributions from people like you. Thank you!

    • DEG

      🙂

  17. Shpip

    One of these days I’m going to buy enough land (or better yet, find a friend with enough land) to celebrate the holiday with a good old-fashioned Anvil Shoot.

    Copious amounts of whiskey and black powder will be de rigueur, naturally.

    • Fourscore

      Back a long, long time ago, when I was but a 3/4 score we had dynamite on the farm, like a case, plus caps and fuses. One 4th of July my dad decided we’d make some big firecrackers. He primed 3 sticks (1/2 lb-ers), each with a different length fuse. I got the longest one, my brother the middle length, Dad has the shortest one. I lit mine, my brother did his, Dad lit his. Boom-Boom-Boom. Rattle the windows of our house.

      It was so much fun we did it twice more. Then quit, Dad was a big kid at heart. He told me that 40 % couldn’t be detonated by shooting it. He was wrong. We opened up a well in the pasture for the cows, 4 sticks taped together in the river but no fish.

      It was good being a kid in those days. Had to make our own fun.

    • rudimentary teats formerly known as pistoffnick (370HSSV)

      Weeps for the destruction of perfectly good anvils

      • Suthenboy

        Akchually I have never seen one destroyed. They seem to stand up just fine. It is like shooting a cannon except the cannon itself becomes the projectile. They thud down smoking but just fine.

  18. creech

    No doubt the Stephanpolous interview will be carefully scripted, rehearsed, and edited. One day soon Joe isn’t going to be able to perform even with a teleprompter. Even then, a considerable number of idiots will judge him qualified to president.

    • Suthenboy

      This is what the Frankfurt school has led us to: a major party that is a freak show led by a demented old man that is barely sentient. It has led us to madness.

  19. Yusef drives a Kia

    I got my dream job,
    I am a starter at Morley field Disc golf course in beautiful San Diego.
    I spent today mostly hanging out with my friends and smoking tons of weed. I’m at my home course, helping promote the sport, and make a bit of cash, paradise indeed.
    Cheers!
    Fuck the Government!

    • UnCivilServant

      congrats.

      Watch the thermostat.

    • The Hyperbole

      “Fuck the Government!”

      With out the Government stealing that land in 1835 there would be no Morley Field.

      (I am not condoning the Government stealing land, just sayin)

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        It was an abandoned landfill bought cheap.
        It’s a privately owned course, a good use of otherwise useless land,
        Cheers

      • The Hyperbole

        So the city of San Diego doesn’t “own” the park (Balboa) that the course is on?

    • Chipping Pioneer

      Congrats, Yusef!

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      The city owns Balboa of course, but long ago they had an eyesore that was converted to the most popular Disc course in the USofA

    • R C Dean

      👍👍

  20. slumbrew

    If anyone’s interested, the Boston Pops fireworks are on Tubi (and BloombergTV)

    https://link.tubi.tv/AUwRQ4ujYKb

    Still music so far, fireworks haven’t started yet.

    • slumbrew

      1812 Overture starting. Complete with a trio of Howitzers manned by the 101st Field Artillery Regiment.

      Sadly, just firing blanks and not shelling Cambridge…

  21. R.J.

    I saw fireworks last night. Taking a break tonight so I can take the various children to a zoo and arcade tomorrow.
    I am about half way through the paper brick entitled “Dune.” I last read it maybe 40 years ago.

    • cavalier973

      That is a bad thing.

      I would think that the Constitutional method of impeachment, removal, and then (if necessary) prosecution is a better way to deal with Presidents, but there is always the possibility that Congress refuses to impeach and/or the Senate fails to remove.

      • ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

        It really comes down to political crimes. As we saw with Trumps impeachments, they were grossly political, and thus the other half of the senate wasn’t going to go along. Same with Clinton.

        I would much rather be in a country were political persecutions of ones ideological enemies’ was off the table from the start, than live in a country were it is a crap shoot.

      • R C Dean

        Immunity is a tricky question. I’m mulling a post on that topic. Not immunizing presidents to some degree is a recipe for MaximumLeaders for Life.

      • ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

        A real quick way to deal with this would be if some sheriff in po-dunk put out an arrest warrant for Obama over Anwar Al-Awaki. At that point the D’s would quickly see what they are dealing with, why this is a good thing, although they probably wouldn’t understand why no one ever did what they want to do in the past.

    • cavalier973

      I still think that a President that has been impeached and removed should be subject to prosecution

      • R C Dean

        Then you better buckle down for President for Life. I don’t like it either, but human nature and history are what they are.

  22. kinnath

    Greetings. Played golf with the old man, then enjoyed dinner with family.

    The rain held off all day.

    Another successful 4th.

      • Fourscore

        Everyone was a winner. Good show, Kinnath

      • kinnath

        I finished up by one skin.

        Big money — one shiny quarter.

        Bragging rights is the most important thing.

    • The Hyperbole

      Party at the old mans place, little rain but lots of friends showed up, much delicious food.

      I lost the Sherman Ave. Backgammon Championship Belt to one lucky rolling motherfucker, but otherwise a great day.

  23. groat scotum

    I just found out a very dear friend is dying of cancer and I’m not sure what to do. We’re texting now for the first time in several years and I am at a loss.

      • groat scotum

        Thank you for your kindness.

        And Fourscore and slumbrew and Mojeaux.

      • groat scotum

        And RC!

    • Fourscore

      Do the best you can, your friend will understand. At some point he/she will probably quit texting and you’ll know the time is getting close.

    • groat scotum

      We didn’t talk for many years.

      I have no idea what to say.

      • Fourscore

        Start off by bringing your friend up to date in your life. Let him/her tell you what they have done. Talk about mutual friends, family. Your friend needs you now, needs someone to talk to.

      • slumbrew

        Wise advice, Fourscore.

      • slumbrew

        Sorry to hear about your friend, Groat.

      • R C Dean

        I think 4X has the right angle. “Hey, glad to hear from you. Sorry to hear the news, we’re X, Y, Z, what’s up with your fam?” Sounds like the way to go.

    • Mojeaux

      I’m so sorry, GS.

    • groat scotum

      We’re commiserating. I really love this woman.

      I’m hoping it’s some horrible joke.

      I’m very drunk and I’m going to pretend it’s a horrible, awful joke she’s played on me.

      Yes, of course. She is very funny and it’s been ages and she’s played a terrific, horrible prank on me.

  24. Yusef drives a Kia

    Half an hour from now is the Big Bay Boom, 3 different displays that are synced into on huge display. After that SeaWorld says hold my beer and does bigger show, Cheers you independent miscreants!

  25. Trigger Hippie

    Deep Thoughts By Jackoff Handy: Calling the cops due to your refusal to comply with local ordinances regarding fireworks in the neighborhood is in direct conflict with the spirit of the holiday….fuck you.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      It’s a war zone here, I love it!
      Dogs dont

      • Trigger Hippie

        Dude, people are unloading entire clips from their handguns in my neighborhood and I’m laughing my ass off. Our spirit has been tampered but it’s not quite dead.

    • ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

      Good to see you, TH!

      • Trigger Hippie

        You too, my friend. I’m oddly positive this evening. Glad to say hello to you all once again.

  26. cavalier973

    My daughter made the all-American dish, ratatouille. It smells good.

    We will eat it tomorrow. We had that all-American meal, pizza, today.

    • Trigger Hippie

      Yes, we all know the story of how the American Patton Oswalt the time traveler anthropomorphized himself into a rat to invent French cuisine a centuries back…ha!… I’m a little drunk.

      • cavalier973

        If one could pick the fantasy world in which to live, the world of “Ratatouille” would be in my top five to consider.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Honestly, I dislike French cuisine. I pretty much prefer all European based food outside the British and Scandinavians over the French.

      • cavalier973

        There used to be a German restaurant on West Waters Ave in Tampa that was really good. I preferred the chicken schnitzel to the Wiener schnitzel. The owner was a crazy German guy who seemed out of touch and rude, but would bring your food to the car personally if you ordered take-out.

    • Trigger Hippie

      Religious fanatics come in all stripes.

    • dbleagle

      Many puntos to those nurses! They refused to be guilted into a stupid position.

  27. dbleagle

    Just got back from the beach and watching my town’s fireworks show. Since the 1950’s the show is 100% paid for by private donations. Zero tax dollars used. Take THAT King George!

    • Gustave Lytton

      Nice. Apparently the latest tax dollar wasting trend is laser light shows. Because the fire!!!!!

  28. Gustave Lytton

    The America hating commies can eat bowl of fireworks dicks.

  29. Gustave Lytton

    Huh, so Danny Trejo got his ass kicked yesterday over water balloons? Didn’t expect that.

    • Suthenboy

      The guy is a bit old for nonsense like that. He’s 80 for God’s sake.
      So, some piece of cheese throws a water balloon at a convertible car then pushes an old man down on the street. Classy.

      *Went to carnival once in Rio…the water balloons there are usually filled with piss, that’s how you do water balloons.

    • UnCivilServant

      *grumble*

      I’m awake, I’m awake…

      😴

      • UnCivilServant

        I made it all the way to the office and no one else commented?

        Are you lot all asleep too?

  30. Fourscore

    Morning Fellers,

    Does everyone have today off, as a bonus holiday? Back in retail holidays were the busy days and only on Xmas and Easter were stores closed

    • UnCivilServant

      Not sure if joking…

      No, I have to work today.

    • Suthenboy

      I am retired. I don’t know how I ever had time to work. Geez.
      Fed and watered dogs..more than it sounds like…started laundry….quick vacuum job, again more than it sounds. Prepared stuff to cook breakfast later (steak and eggs). About to head out now that the sun is up…water everything and set two posts for a lattice. Lengthy grocery list for later. Change oil in the car after grocery trip. Uh…I am sure more stuff will pop up during the day.
      Sky has barely been light for half of an hour.

      • Fourscore

        Schedule today is a sit down with Biden. I have to do the talking while he does his impressions of an Old Man with Dementia.

        Wait, those aren’t impressions?

        As I said yesterday, Joe is like half of the patients in a nursing home. The other half are lucid.

      • ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

        I recently came to the conclusion that I don’t like steak and eggs. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good steak, just not with eggs. I much prefer pork as a breakfast meat, and, when I don’t make a bacon omlete for myself, I get pork chops and eggs.

      • Suthenboy

        “Joe is like half of the patients in a nursing home. The other half are lucid.”

        I caught that. Already stolen.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’ve come to the conclusion that the chop is too bland a cut of pork as the average case requires outside assistance to acquire flavor.

        For the same reason, it is a good vehicle to test sauces, since I won’t be tempted to just eat it plain as sometimes happens with other meats.

    • Sean

      At work!

      *Benny Hill salute*

  31. robodruid

    Good Morning:
    I wonder if the ABC interview Biden is supposed to be having today is a trap? Which side of the DNC does Steph work for?

    • UnCivilServant

      I think he’s from the Clinton faction.

      How’s everything? (The legal issues, the sheepies, the other beasties)

      • robodruid

        Still a mess.
        Motion to get lawyer representing town (3rd party) dismissed filed, have a hearing on early August.
        We feel like we have a shot.

        other stuff up in the air.

  32. Not Adahn

    Good morning!

    I’m at work today, but my boss isn’t. Which makes it like a vacaiton.

    • Gender Traitor

      Indeed. My coworkers and I have long called those “virtual vacation days “

  33. Beau Knott

    Mornin’ all!

  34. cavalier973

    I didn’t take time yesterday to read the Declaration of Independence aloud to the family. It’s something I’ve tried to make into a tradition, but I got busy with other stuff.

    • Sean

      but I got busy

      In a Burger King bathroom?

      • cavalier973

        Ha ha!

        *looks around nervously*

    • UnCivilServant

      Isn’t that a bit long for a family get together? It’s not really optimized for the spoken word either.

      • cavalier973

        Not really.

        I don’t remember how long it takes, but it’s generally a surprise to Americans how relevant the complaints listed against King George are to our present situation.

      • UnCivilServant

        It wasn’t George who was the cause of most of those grievences, they came from Parlement. Poor George got scapegoated since a single figure with a medical condition impacting their cognition…

        Well, shit.