Story of My Life – part 20

by | Jul 29, 2024 | Musings | 107 comments

I was up all night ‘talking’ with whoever was on the other side, and the conversation meandered among many topics. Whoever was on the other side did a good job of convincing me she was the soldier I had fallen in love with and had texted the night my car was stolen. After being up all night, I became angry that instead of an explanation or a job offer, I was still not getting any straight answers. I quit my welding job that morning and returned harness and vest I had been issued. Then I went on base and threw the smartphone I had bought the day before through the turnstile of the NSA building I used to work in. No one was present at the time, but the security cameras saw it. I did it as an act of protest. From my perspective, the NSA had been monitoring me since at least March, and even after I caught them red-handed, I was forced to keep up the charade for months. I sent a few more angry texts to the soldier I had fallen in love with before leaving. There were no threats in them.

When I got home, I got a very strange voicemail from INSCOM, which is the Army organization in charge of military intelligence soldiers. The message instructed me to call a number, then an extension, then enter a very long numerical code. It was the strangest voicemail I’ve ever gotten. I did not call the number or enter the code. Around the same time, while out driving, a white van was stopped in front of me at a red light. The driver got out and opened the van’s rear doors, as if to show me it was empty and not a surveillance van.

A few days later, I got a text from the Fort Gordon police to come on base and retrieve the phone I threw. When I arrived, I was handcuffed and taken to the police station. They told me I was not under arrest and that I would be free to go if I answered their questions. So I answered some questions from the police before being led to another room. It was an interrogation room with a one-way mirror and my questioners were NSA special agents. They asked why I through the phone and I explained briefly that it was because I was upset with that female soldier. Before being released, I was informed that I was banned from Fort Gordon and would be arrested if I returned.

About a week after that, I was served a restraining order with a court date by the female soldier I sent angry texts too. The first statement she made in her petition was provably false and she knew it when she wrote it. She said I had been dishonorably discharged and I was able to prove her wrong in court with the statement from my company commander. Not sure why people lie when they don’t have to. I guess she just wanted to twist the knife. I apologized to her in court and the judge ended up giving us a mutual restraining order for a year.

Toward the end of October, I was at a bar downtown when a young woman came up to me with tears in her eyes. She said she had an abusive ex-husband who had sole custody of her daughter. This by itself was extremely strange. I’ve spent a lot of time in bars and nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I suggested we go out for a walk and a talk. During that walk, we had a few chats with homeless people, some of whom seemed to have stories similar to mine; that is, guys who got discharged from the military for minor to moderate infractions. As we were about to return to the bar, she told me that sometimes she would hear secret messages from things like TVs and computers. It was at this I suspected she was some kind of plant sent to spy on me, but I did my best to be polite with her. When we passed the Confederate monument in downtown Augusta, she said how awful it was and ought to be removed. I replied that I thought there were many other worse problems at the moment, and it was not worth the cost of removal. She gave me her number but never responded to the one text I sent her.

In early November, my phone kept making the text message notification chime, but there were no new text messages. I heard that chime at least 30 times in less than an hour. I suspect my monitors were nervous about something I wrote the night before and wanted to get my attention to make sure I was OK. It’s touching that a dreaded spy agency would go to such lengths to ensure the well-being of a former employee. About this time, in my mental sandbox, I wrote ‘our marriage will be long and happy’ as I suspected the person on the other end was the female soldier I fell in love with. Either that or it was someone in cahoots with her. Anyway, after I typed those words, the browser tabs I had open mysteriously switched to a ‘page not found’ error message even though my internet connection was fine. The tabs magically came back after I typed a few paragraphs explaining my previous statement.

The last major set of events of interest in my recent life took place after Veterans’ Day in 2021. I had ordered a computer kit and wanted to prove the concept that computers cooled with mineral oil can be safely overclocked far more than had been done by other methods. All computers have something called a system clock which can only be set so fast without causing a computer cooled by air to overheat and shut down. However, if a computer is immersed in mineral oil, its system clock can be set to a far higher value. It effectively makes the computer faster without changing the hardware and a minimal change to the software. I was inspired to build it after contemplating the time the gate guard asked me what I knew about building computers.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

107 Comments

  1. Derpetologist

    So yeah. This is where things start getting really weird. At least there are only 3 installments left.

    Some comic relief: Pet Duck is High On Mushrooms…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riXJGFZzQsU

    Things are looking up for me though. I’ll be teaching math and science at a private school in 2 weeks. Also have been chatting up a new potential gal pal. She’s from Kenya but lives 2 hours away in Jacksonville. We’ve been texting in Swahili. It’s nice to have a reason to use that language again.

    One of my Peace Corps pals I met at the 15-year reunion last week won $1,000 in a writing contest with a portion of her memoir. There are a lot of Peace Corps memoirs. She’s switched to writing fiction. I really hope she makes it.

    Here’s a quick rundown of the odd things that definitely happened to me:

    -working at NSA

    -all the stuff I have pics and video of; weird glitches across multiple devices with different operating systems

    -that gate guard asking me what I know about building computers

    -those technicians saying they were upgrading my internet just for me

    -applying, testing, and not being rejected for a job as an NSA code breaker

    -being handcuffed and interrogated by NSA special agents

    -a fellow soldier lying about me in court under oath

    -a crying young woman who came to me in a bar and the very weird conversation that followed

    -another young woman I’d never met before correctly guessing my first name and middle initial

    -when I asked her if she worked for the government, she said “ooh, are you paranoid? do you think the government is spying on you?”

    -my headphones blasting static for 5 days in 2022; it ended on Veterans Day

    -On the evening of that day when I went into work, there was an assembly to recognize veterans and I was the only one who stepped forward even though I knew there were other veterans there. I was allowed to eat first by myself at the holiday meal.

    -those FBI agents who came to my apartment to ask me about my experimental computer last year

    • Evan from Evansville

      I would’ve lost my mind loooong ago. I’d like to think I’d take it in sarcastic stride, but I highly doubt it. Yikesy pikesy.

      Texting in Swahili with that gal? Damn. Take it to the hoop. There are several reasons I wouldn’t, but I’m not there nor am I you. The basket is empty and no one’s guardin’ the net. (I suppose if she’s with family here, texting in Swahili isn’t an uncommon thing, and the more I think about it, the more likely it is she came w family. I am also speaking out of my ass. But these grits sure are tasty.)

      • Derpetologist

        I’m optimistic about her and the job. July had me feeling drained. The reunion perked me up as does the new job. One day at a time. Learn from the past, live for the present, and hope/plan for tomorrow.

        I hit the gym yesterday and set new personal records. Gave blood on Thursday and had great BP (120/70). Florida has been good for my health.

        New diet is sardines, beans, bran cereal, and yogurt mostly. Everything the body needs and cheap too.

      • Evan from Evansville

        Good, good. I’m mentally drained and soon (hopefully) be drained in every way possible, sans one, unless I also come across some young gal. Passed the national phlebotomy test-sorta thing, and officially have started the application process. Two have been sent out thus far.

        I’m excited and terrified. Quite equally. As usual, the intro steps are by far the most difficult. I’m quietly confident I’ll navigate the upcoming stream of work intricacies and do just fine. Getting my own place… that’ll be another massive step onward. Adapting to America is still hard. I’m not ‘done,’ yet.

        I enjoy reading your progress. Seems like a different, but similar-ish-ish circumstances, version of me diving back into The World. It’s different than I remember. So it continues onward. Upward is a good direction, too.

  2. Aloysious

    Derpy, I think I would have behaved quite differently than you did under those circumstances.

    I most likely would have gotten a job on a night shift where I could be alone 99% of the time.

    You did the exact opposite, interacting with people and dating. I respect that.

    • Derpetologist

      Thanks. I like to say there is no point in tiptoeing through life just to arrive safely at death.

      • Evan from Evansville

        Agreed, Derp. It’s pretty obvious I’m gonna slam into Death.

        Fourscore: Word. I can see at your age being exactly like that. Much respect and envy from me. You’ve earned it. I’m only 37. This youngin’s gotta eat. He’d prefer to be successful, find companionship long enough to enjoy my later years. Seems like a toss-up at the moment. Well, “ya miss 100% of the shots ya never take.” I’d rather stupidly strike out swinging than get caught looking. As I age and gain stability, I trust my inner desires will also mature. I’m also aware of my own idiocy. Hrm.

    • Fourscore

      Being alone and left alone seem like a good combination. When I need human interaction I know where to go to find it. Not sure if the internet counts though.

  3. dbleagle

    Derpy,

    Is your new private school Catholic? I ask because if they are RC it seems strange that they don’t teach evolution and geologic time. I spent a couple of years at a RC in the 1970s and they had no issues teaching either subject then.

    • Derpetologist

      It’s Protestant, not sure which flavor, but I guess Southern Baptist.

    • DrOtto

      Ditto on the Catholic school. Evolution was the main theory they taught. Then when transferred to Baptist school (mom was ‘born again’), creationism ruled the roost and evolution was the devil’s tricks.

    • Fourscore

      Maduro wins, at least for now.

    • DrOtto

      They made him do it to save democracy!

      • cyto

        Lots of that going around these days

    • UnCivilServant

      Nothing says “I totallay won that election” like firing on the opposition.

    • hayeksplosives

      Geez.

      We were just celebrating the tearing down of Chavez statues a couple of hours ago.

      And now this.

      Guessing there’s no 2A in Venezuela.

      • Fourscore

        A lesson we need to learn. Keep your friends close, enemies closer

      • Tres Cool

        The 2nd amendment is there in case that 1st didnt work out so well.

      • R C Dean

        Well, supposedly. Hard to tell.

    • Ownbestenemy

      All lies..I was told the world is at calm

    • Suthenboy

      This began on Feb.2, 1999.
      Who could have seen it coming?

  4. Ownbestenemy

    I guess he has learned nothing.

    Trump To Sit For Voluntary Interview With FBI On Assassination Investigation

    • UnCivilServant

      If you make the mistake of talking to the FBI, Independantly record it and require that video record exist as the definitive account. If they refuse, they intend to screw you, so don’t talk to them.

      • cyto

        Absolutely. Flynn got caught up that way, probably Roger Stone too.

    • Gustave Lytton

      “According to our notes, Trump said all of the various lawsuits and charges were all correct, he raped more women than Jeffrey Epstein, he’s a serial killer, tried to become dictator for life on Jan 6, and he really demands 3 scoops of ice cream every time…”

      • Tres Cool

        Yours in Christ,
        James Comey

  5. CPRM

    got back from Glibs Gulch last night. went with my little brother to see Deadpool and Wolverine tonight. Just found out that when I re-installed my browser earlier today that all my passwords were nuked. Had an old back-up, but many have changed since then. It’ll be fun randomly finding out what sites I can’t get into.

    • UnCivilServant

      Question – why would you keep your passwords in the browser?

      • CPRM

        Because it’s easy and I have nothing worth stealing.

    • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

      CPRM who?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Constitutional Passwords Revoked Momentarily

      • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        I know NUTHINGK!

        /Shultz

  6. cyto

    The US government cited exit polls when questioning the results of the Venezuela elections.

    https://x.com/McFaul/status/1817812094324232691?s=19

    Exit polls show Maduro losing 31-65%.

    Interesting side note…. there are no longer exit polls in the US since we vote by mail over a month or longer.

    So…. one of the most obvious ways to spot potential fraud…. well, it just doesn’t exist here.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Well..exit polls have been just an indicator. However, I agree since we don’t have same-day voting for everyone, they are bunk.

      • cyto

        One of the first indicators from the opposition and the international community in Venezuala was when results were not tabulated and transmitted in a timely fashion.

        Sound familiar?

        If there are delays in vote counting, that is a huge indicator that something fishy is happening.

      • Ownbestenemy

        PA has already signaled…expect days of counting.

    • Brochettaward

      It was posted here after 2020 repeatedly, but the 2020 election would fail every criteria our own State Department uses to judge the validity of a foreign election. I just wish I still had the list as it was pure gold and included mail-in-ballots.

      • rhywun

        Yeah I wish I had saved that article.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I just think…we invaded Grenada…GRENADA! for less shit that nearly a year of hostages in Gaza.

    • cyto

      300th reflight of a booster…. better late than never.

      • cyto

        And then enjoy this video about the first launch of the Falcon Heavy, launching a surprise payload out to the orbit of Mars (instead of just a mass simulator)

        Features the spectacular double landing of the side boosters.

        https://youtu.be/A0FZIwabctw?si=huhZqOuCj7NlHCml

        And my favorite tagine of all time, printed on a circuit board of the rocket.

    • hayeksplosives

      I saw it live for the first time years ago. Camera showed both boosters landing simultaneously. It was so beautiful I shed a tear. A wonderful and beautiful moment.

      A giant leap for mankind.

      • cyto

        The double landing of a falcon heavy pair of boosters is a bucket list item. Double-triple sonic booms… 18 story buildings just dropping out of the sky. Really spectacular.

    • hayeksplosives

      When NASA has to cave and get SpaceX to get the American astronauts back from the ISS, I think Musk should have a big “Uber” sticker on the front window.

      • cyto

        I suspect that Boeing would rather see them die of old age on the ISS.

        Launching people on a craft that never successfully completed a test flight was a bold choice.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I bought their initial press release…we have time, we want to test in a known environment. Now? Shits broke guys, but trust us. Damn I have never seen a more public-facing company fall so hard and lose their public trust.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Their advancements are the continuation of 1970s comics playing out in 2024 and beyond. It is amazing.

  7. cyto

    I’ve talked about how I discovered the control the DNC had over the media in the early 90s by watching C-SPAN coverage of briefings.

    One of the first was about a republican plan on the deficit. The spokesman called it a “risky scheme” that night, every news anchor used those exact words.

    Marvel at the breadth and depth of the DNC command and control over the media, press and pundits:

    Title this one “weird”

    https://x.com/simonateba/status/1818096942913597935?s=19

      • Ownbestenemy

        2004? Bro..that was like…boomer years ago.

    • Ownbestenemy

      She has been focus testing everything with the help from the media from day one.

  8. Ownbestenemy

    Any discussion on the new video that was confiscated from the FBI of the shooting? Shows police surrounding the building and attempting to peak above on the roof of where the shooter was (prior to shots, but given police presence, knew it was a threat) and Trump still talking.

    I don’t care anymore. It was allowed to happen. Not one agency, local or Federal, did anything? It is so bad, I expect a video of a cop telling this guy “ya, no problem, go on up to the roof for a better viewing” to emerge.

    • cyto

      I haven’t seen it. I did see the interview with the local swat team that said their briefing with SS never happened, and they had no contact with SS until after the shooting.

      • cyto

        I didn’t pay much attention to the “there were multiple guns” audio analysis guys…

        But the sound is very clear here. And something is weird.

        I hear 3 shots. Careful but fast, by pacing.

        Then 5 shots in rapid succession. Could not be carefully aimed. Sound different to me.

        Then a pause.

        Then 1 more shot. Sounds different.

        Guessing the last shot is the kill shot. That was a bigger pause than I had surmised, if this is true. Kill shot came after shooter was done firing, apparently.

    • cyto

      Seems like this is headed towards Epstein territory.

      Everyone said, half joking, “that guy isn’t going to make it to trial”. Now everyone says “Epstein didn’t commit suicide”.

      But notice that we never got a real investigation. Just… Oops, we didn’t monitor him and the video broke. And the names still are a secret. AG Barr expressed skepticism…. but nobody did anything.

      This seems to be headed the same way. Multiple people, including noted crazies Tucker Carleson, Alex Jones, Stephen Crowder and Andrew Tate described the process that the establishment uses to stop people who are a threat.

      First, they try to demonize and discredit. Then they will escalate by accusing you of a sex crime of some sort. They prosecute… and if that all fails, they will kill you.

      They warned Trump for the last 6+ months that this is where it was headed if he didn’t capitulate.

      Sounds nutty…. until someone takes a shot at you under very mysterious circumstances.

      • Brochettaward

        I mean, a number of us nutters around here called the attempted assassination.

        They. Will. Not. Let. Him. In. Power. Again.

        The shit they’ve done since 2015 to attack this guy? It’s unprecedented. They’ve broken all norms and done so openly, and half the population clap like seals. Then there’s another half of even his supporters who don’t really comprehend the depth of the conspiracy.

        It isn’t really surprising when you think about it. Trump doesn’t have to be some grand disrupter for this. There’s simply too much at stake – trillions in graft and all that power – to let it go to an outsider.

    • CPRM

      That video looks like it was shot on a Nokia flip-phone, but somehow has clearer audio than low budget movies just using sub-par boom mics. It’s a weird combination.

  9. hayeksplosives

    I am torturing myself by watching Olympic highlights on Peacock.

    Watching the US men’s Olympics do a nice job, with only China and Japan in reach.

    I thought the obviou—wait, what about the Russians? This is their specialty!!

    Commentator casually drops that “of course” the Russian athletes aren’t competing “because of the war on Ukraine.”

    Really? Athletes are supposed to be about politics?

    • cyto

      Ever since 1980.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Russia is more of a pariah than N Korea. That makes sense to someone.

    • rhywun

      Russians get to compete in, say, tennis – but the press will hound you until you express the correct opinions.

      • cyto

        Yeah… that was particularly awful.

    • CPRM

      My niece is taking horse riding lessons, so she was watching the dressage from yesterday. Gladly, that is all the Olympic viewing that has occurred in my life.

    • Gender Traitor

      If you happen to see a competitor listed with the “country code” AIN (abbreviation for the French translated as “Individual Neutral Athlete,”) that participant is apparently a Russian or Belarusian not permitted to compete under the flag of their home country.

  10. Ownbestenemy

    I hope to wake up to a free and independent Venezuela in the AM

    • UnCivilServant

      “Venezula Annexed by Elba.”

      • slumbrew

        They could do worse than having Idris in charge.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Good one

  11. dbleagle

    On a lighter note. Take a trip up Everest by the Western Cwn and SE Ridge (aka the Yak Route used by most guided expeditions) in only a bit over four minutes.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pIyIMqwu0E

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Wow

    • Suthenboy

      Ok, that is remarkable. Only thing is…when Hillary went up no one had ever been there before. It looks a bit crowded now.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Amazing. Sadly, I read the comments. It has become easy to notice obvious trolls but there are some genuine people who abhor personal goals, triumph, pushing themselves to the limit and obviously that mirrors in the real world.

  12. Sean

    We’re still here? No nuclear war yet?

    *kicks pebble*

    I guess y’all should get out there and have a great no apocalypse day.

    🌞👽

    And try to not get abducted by aliens!

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KjvesZw-XtQ

    🎶🎶

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean and U!

      • Sean

        🙂

  13. UnCivilServant

    I kept wanting to ask during the comments for Prince of the North Tower, but kept worrying about coming off as entitled or whiny.

    What is it I’m doing or not doing either as an author or commentator that leads people to have nothing to talk about regarding the story or characters?

    It just seems strange that such opinionated folk say so little.

    • Gender Traitor

      Just because they’re not taking time to comment about specific elements of each chapter doesn’t mean they’re not enjoying it. There are only so many ways to say, “I like this. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next.” Please note that several people mentioned being unwilling to wait, so they bought and devoured the book.

      • UnCivilServant

        Engagement with other people about the story, world, or characters is the source of enjoyment for me as a writer.

      • WTF

        Exactly GT, I bought the book, and although I’m still enjoying the serialized version here, I don’t have a lot to say about it other than I really like it.

    • Not Adahn

      Because I am a bad person, I don’t have much to say about things I like. When I do, it’s usually to contrast them with something I’ve recently experienced hat I don’t like.

      The personality flaw really helps in my day job (failure analysis), since I have a knack in figuring out deficiencies of systems.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I personally have never sat around discussing a book in that depth since my last school days. I do enjoy reading them though!

    • Sean

      LOL, I was wondering…which is the more correct version:

      “Partanen spoke in the Dwarfish tongue.”

      Dwarfish, Dwarvish, or Dwarven?

      • UnCivilServant

        The answer is “yes”.

        If I recall correctly, Tolkien introduced the -vish variant, but I don’t have a citation on that.

      • Not Adahn

        Scots are a people

        Scottish is the language

        Scotch is the important thing.

      • UnCivilServant

        Scots are just Irish who overran the Picts.

    • Not Adahn

      So the only Fords that get sold will be by parents for their 16 years olds?

      I guess it would also come in handy if you though your car would be stolen.

      • juris imprudent

        Even if you report it stolen, you know the govt is going to want that speeding ticket paid.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Just like a speeding ticket camera..don’t care who was driving, its a ticket on the vehicle somehow. Wait..I see some parallels here with firearms.

      • UnCivilServant

        It’s worse than all that.

        The cars report on OTHER cars around them.

      • Sean

        “The cars report on OTHER cars around them.”

        Back end bike racks are gonna be a lot more popular.

        Seriously though, that’s not really feasible.

      • Not Adahn

        In that case, the insurance rates for Fords are going to be a nightmare.

      • UnCivilServant

        “It was some sort of freak accident, the computer just ripped out of the chassis and all the sensor lines came with it.”

      • Not Adahn

        Sadbeard would really appreciate a manufacturer automating his snitching. Though I’m not sure he actually owns a car. Maybe they could get the tech installed on an ebike?

    • CatchTheCarp

      After shooting themselves in the foot by going overboard on EV tech Ford will just cut the entire leg off.

  14. Ownbestenemy

    “Gentle parenting us through the election” was actually my corner square on my Official 2024 Bingo Card

    • Ted S.

      And they say Vance is weird.

  15. Not Adahn

    Speaking of questionable car ideas — a new Challenger was driving around Milton yesterday in full General Lee livery, including a HateRoof.