“I can’t believe that little idiot tried to kill me,” the hat grumbled. He still had blood on him that he was absorbing into his underlying hattal structures.
“He was obviously trying to kill me,” the hair said, floating in a small tub of peroxide and Woolite.
“I’m the greater threat,” the hat said matter of factly. “I’m the brains of the operation, the ego, the driving force, the beating heart, the blood that moves forward all history. You’re just the nag, the superego that shouldn’t even be a character.”
“Donald!” the hair called from his watery grave, “Tell him I’m necessary!”
Donald farted in his soaking tub, wet washcloth over his eyes and a bandage over the right side of his face.
“Leave him alone,” the hat said. “He was injured in the line of duty saving me.”
“You were never in any danger!” the hair screamed. “ Look at this,” he said, holding three small pink-white stumps. “Severed tendrils! Anchor tendrils!”
“Oh, go write some bad poetry about it, poof,” the hat said.
“How am I supposed to hold on during the convention? This was obviously an attempt to humiliate Donald by killing me.”
“He has other toupées,” the hat said dismissively, and then shook himself like a wet dog.
“What did you just call me, motherfucker?” the hair asked, rising like a menacing clog from his cleaning solution.
“I was the one that was shot!” Donald said. “It hurts, dammit.” He slapped a big red button on the wall, a klaxon sounding throughout the secure facility under Milwaukee. A capuchin monkey swung down from the ceiling and dropped two Vicodin into Donald’s open mouth. The little furry creature chittered in satisfaction and ascended back to his perch.
“Go easy on those, Donald,” the hair said.
“Told you,” the hat said smugly. “Superego, the British nanny of the psyche.”
“I can do whatever I want,” Donald said, chewing the pills up and slurping up bathwater to wash them down. The hair made a retching noise and sank back into his tub.
Donald knocked a dozen empty cans of Diet Coke off the edge of the soaking tub, and burped. “It’ll even out. I have survived death, the assassin’s bullet. I’m better than that faggot Lincoln, I am powerful, nothing can stop me.”
Donald rose from the water and let it cascade down his body. Filtered spotlights in the ceiling made him glisten like the hard stars of the winter sky. The monkey dropped a huge towel down on his shoulders.
“We could get you a real nurse,” the hair burbled.
“I don’t trust them,” Donald said. “I don’t trust any of you. Not the lesbians in the Secret Service, not my so-called friends in the RNC, and not you two.”
“What did we do?” the hat asked. “We were almost killed too.”
“You didn’t try to take a bullet for me, did you?” Donald asked, spending far, far more time drying his penis and testicles than could possibly be necessary.
“Hey, Gary, what’s up?” the hair said to Donald’s pubic hedge.
“Dry me!” Gary squeaked, terrified. “Dry me!”
The monkey crawled down Donald’s wet body and began to groom Gary with apetistic focus.
Something good came of the attempted assassination, after all.
“I was the one that was shot!” Donald said. “It hurts, dammit.” He slapped a big red button on the wall, a klaxon sounding throughout the secure facility under Milwaukee. A capuchin monkey swung down from the ceiling and dropped two Vicodin into Donald’s open mouth. The little furry creature chittered in satisfaction and ascended back to his perch.
Bravo.
A lot of good will come out of this.
It’s produced some great memes already.
I want a Vicodin monkey!!
“The monkey crawled down Donald’s wet body and began to groom Gary with apetistic focus.” NEW CHARACTER!
Oh, and “apetistic” – BRILLIANT!
*Editor’s Note* Prince of the North Tower will run at 3pm Glibs time.
Southpark did it.
And the Minge.
I thought of Gary Hart when I heard the pubic hair talk.
Foxhole humor.
The monkey crawled down Donald’s wet body and began to groom Gary with apetistic focus.
jesus
It’s the next innovation beyond change sorting orphans.
Given your avatar, I had considered including a trigger warning for you.
That would have “spoiled” it I guess.
“Oh, go write some bad poetry about it, poof,” the hat said.
Ouch.
Is it wrong that my thought at the end is just: “So… what’s the monkey’s name?”
I couldn’t decide. The monkey nurse might be one character too far for the ensemble.
I can close the plothole if need be.
Hey, Gary, what’s up?
Nope, you’ve gone more than far enough with names here.
Ok… second thought — where are the Shoes? They’ve obviously got their manipulative hooks into The Donald’s brain, man… Are we looking at a Coup against The Hat? A real bottom-driven revolution against the Top Hat?
How smart can you be if someone shoves their foot up your ass and then walks on top of you all day?
They’re not all that smart, really — but they have a lot of sole.
Hey now. Some people pay good money for that scene…
Some people are tight-laced about their footwear.
The monkey crawled down Donald’s wet body and began to groom Gary with apetistic focus.
I guess the rich really are different. There’s no way I’d let one of those things near macaque.
You’re afraid the monkey would wrench it?
*narrows gaze*
That was a howler, Shpip!
There has been some gems in the past but I am gonna say this is the best material yet. The best part starts with the first line and ends with the last line.
Out of the park, Sir. Out of the park.
Seconded..really great stuff.
The red button isn’t for Diet Coke any longer?
Monkey Summoning is multi-faceted?
What if the monkey brings the Diet Coke?
That’s what I was alluding to. Multi-purpose monkey services.
I don’t want to know where that trunk monkey came out of.
It’s all in how you press it.
It’s like a trick pool shot.
If you hit it with enough back-spin? Piss Hookers.
The seamless integration of “I’m better than that faggot Lincoln” is wonderful.
That was a good line — but you have to be careful dissing Lincoln….
Honest Abe
Ok… legitimate LOL. Glad I’m working from home.
And just popped up on my YT algorithm…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxvOUbS0_WE
I am not sure how SF keeps up with this.
Sucker and loser?
I am not sure how SF keeps up with this.
By being way too online.
I am subscribed to a few “court archives” websites. The sort that try to monetize video replays of hearings… . There’s a case that recently got highlighted on the youtubes because one of the attorneys has a statue (sort of life-sized) of Lincoln in the conference room. So the screens are 1. the judge 2. another attorney (working in her conference room) 3. attorney who has Abe Lincoln in the conference room as well as her client.
Ha – How CNN Reported 7 Famous Assassinations Throughout History
Lincoln Nods of at Play
https://babylonbee.com/news/how-cnn-reported-on-7-famous-assassinations
This was a historic episode, and it needed to be good because it will be referenced in the future. The bar was high. And easily cleared. Excellent job.
Irreverence raised to high-art. Clever off color puns. Over the top hyperbole. What’s not to like about this place? *notices site address* Ah, nothing.
Episode #200 will forge a new path forward.
And, barring any difficulties, will post Wednesday at the regular time.
And you’ll have a VP pick to weave in. This week is turning out to be a great one.
A VP with a hair weave? The plot (and the follicles) thicken….
200? Damn.
Your well of creativity is bottomless.
I guess each branch of the Sugarverse has its own numbering system, since you’ve been running these since the Before times.
Basically. It helps me keep it all straight. Hillary had her own numbered series during and after the 2016 campaign. And Cracky has one (just to be funny and separate the Hunter-only stuff from Joemala.)
But HH goes back to 2015, and I numbered them from the beginning (for the 2016 Coverage compendium in the main page sidebar.)
#200 will be the 200th Hat and Hair post, but they were never a regular feature on Hit and Run or even on Glibs until a certain point, so there wasn’t a weekly commitment to bulk up those rookie numbers like Joemala.
I’m really glad I don’t know anyone named Gary right now.
I’m especially glad that my gentleman caller’s name is not Gary.
Gary? GARY!
Gary the stormtrooper
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D6T8MmLP9hM&pp=ygURZ2FyeSBzdG9ybXRyb29wZXI%3D
GARY!
I would have been disappointed by any other link from you.
I can never hear ‘Mars: Bringer Of War’ without thinking of that scene.
I do know a Gary, oh shit. Now I’ve got to be able to talk to him without busting up.
Almost forgot about this Gary.
Replacements – Gary’s Got a Boner
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXjzcbLcEBo
Gary?
Did anyone watch “Mr. Inbetween”? Gary (“Gaz”) was my favourite character
I have survived death, the assassin’s bullet. I’m better than that faggot Lincoln, I am powerful, nothing can stop me.
The bullet didn’t “graze” his head. It bounced off.
Look, he isn’t Chuck Norris
Gary? Like Gary Johnson?
I’d rather not see his Leppo.
Still 10 times better than the current
candidatejoke.I saw on the internet that the demolition ranch guy was behind the assassination.
No wonder he missed.
Im going to use the word “apetistic” at least 3X this week.
Hey from O’Hare.
Can’t find a definition for apetistic.
A SugarFree blend of “ape” and “autistic.”
I saw on the internet that the demolition ranch guy was behind the assassination.
He taught the kid to shoot, didn’t he?
Gary? How much are the SpongeBob 25th people paying you, SF?
Joe almost says it, make America great again. So close.
LOL. Needs a reboot.
Make America, you know, what, the thing.
Guessing v.p. pick will be Youngkin.
Vance. But it should be Tulsi.
I think it will be Vance too. I would prefer Tulsi or Vivek.
Tulsi — Sec Def
Vivek — Sec Commerce
Tulsi over Vance or Vivek.
Vivek oozes fast talking slimeball. Vance is a lightweight opportunist.
The real question is which cabinet position should Vermin Supreme be appointed to?
HUD
Do you really have to ask?
I would go Education for The Verminator. HUD works too.
Vermin Supreme for DHS bitches!
Burgum and Rubio are both out..Vance was the last of the three that the media have been running. However, this is near 2016 Trumpian levels so…maybe he will pick something out of thin air.
I just want whatever VP will be the funniest. So many branches of possibility will be lost when Donald opens Schrödinger’s box.
Hillary?
Funny as a crutch, Rich.
I like kinnath’s suggestion of Tulsi for Sec Defense. Hillary hates her and has called her a traitor. It would be worth it to see her head explode.
Or better yet, Hillary’s old job.
Nope. Don Jr gets Sec State
Ick. No more family.
I seem to recall that Jr brokered the Middle East Peace deal during Trump term
That was his son-in-law, Jared Kushner.
yes
see below
Critique
Is it unreal, as some claim on social media? Yes, in the sense that American life exceeds and mocks fiction. As Philip Roth lamented, the American novelist “has his hands full in trying to understand, and then describe, and then make credible much of the American reality”. And that was prior to Trump, who took America into new realms of the bizarre, beyond shame, beyond rules, beyond what previously defined the real.
Yet it actually happened. It is happening. Look at the blood. It’s real blood caused by a real bullet that shaved a real man’s ear. That man really raises his fist in defiance in a mystically patriotic instant myth of resurrection.
To say this is the image that may win Trump re-election may be the least of it. Surely what this picture tells us is what a second Trump presidency will be like. Bonds of blood between leader and people, sacrificial imagery – none of it fits into the calm, dull routines of stable democracies. An electoral campaign that begins with such an image of extremes is one that’s headed into uncharted, frightening places.
Guardian’s resident art critic reaches deep into his portfolio to analyze that photo.
Read the whole thing. I dare you.
I always get high before writing an article.
Somewhere, Agile Cyborg nods sagely.
Read the whole thing. I dare you.
Pass. I bailed after the forst couple paragraphs.
Clutch those pearls, limey cunt.
Flag surrounded by violence and fear:
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b0/Raising_the_Flag_on_Iwo_Jima%2C_larger_-_edit1.jpg
Yeah…Imma pass on that one.
Yo Jonathan, I got some art for you to critique right here!
*grabs crotch*
And that was prior to Trump, who took America into new realms of the bizarre, beyond shame, beyond rules, beyond what previously defined the real.
Yes, Trump. And not Dr. Jill doing Weekend at Bernie’s with her half-mummy meal-ticket and the entire left media telling you the obvious is not what is occurring.
I seem to recall that Jr brokered the Middle East Peace deal during Trump term
Was it Jr or the son in law? Kushner.
Kushner. I got the wrong kid.
Oh hell no. Kushner and his wife need to kicked to the curb next to the RepE weasels from the last term.
Yes.
We don’t need any more of that shit.
I was thinking in terms of who would make Hillary scream the loudest.
🤢
She’s engaged to a Corey Feldman doppelgänger
Abraham Accords were good, though. Kushner deserves credit for that.
“I was thinking in terms of who would make Hillary scream the loudest.”
Huma?
Oh, wait, what were we talking about?
Sorry, Huma’s taken now. Married a real manly man from what I hear.
I was thinking in terms of who would make Hillary scream the loudest.
Paula Jones?
I just tee them up . . . .
Magnificent. Is Gary a merkin or au natural?
in the list of questions that I don’t want to hear . . . . . this is near the top of the list.
It’s Vance
Probably a smart choice.
What are the benefits and problems with Vance as VP?
He’s pretty new to the game. Which is a pro and a con.
He’s not (hopefully) an establishment prick like Rubio or the rest.
He seems to be pretty popular with the common man.
Hopefully it means the Democrats don’t spend money on the presidential campaign here in Ohio. It’s a decent clapback to articles like this. He’s young and an up and comer in the Republican party, but he comes across as a bit of an empty suit (at least to me).
I’m listening to yesterday’s episode of Viva Frei, and Robert Barnes mentions Vance first, in a list of people he thinks would make a good VP, and provide some protection for Trump, because assassinating Trump would only get you another Trump (or something like that).
The VP debate with Kamala will be epic.
If I were Trump looking for advice on who my VP pick would be David Axelrod is exactly who I would go to.
Eyeliner is both a problem and benefit.
If I were picking who I wanted for the VP debate, it would be Tulsi all the way. She single-handedly wrecked Harris in the Dem primary with, what, one sentence?
It’s Vance. Young, not experienced, from a reliably red state. I don’t see what he does to bring in undecideds.
He’s hardcore anti-establishment and populist. Won’t be a fink like Pence. If the next shooter kills Trump, it’s not a RINO squish taking over.
He learned his lesson from Pence. Trump has said he’s looking to set up the next President, so Vance will eventually be a decent successor.
He still has Vivek, Tulsi, hell, even RFK out there for cabinet positions. That will be interesting.
RFK for HHS! Now that would make heads explode.
I think Saturday took care of the undecideds.
I don’t see what he does to bring in undecideds.
Nothing.
He’s a blank slate like a former junior Senator from Illinois.
Given Vance’s bio, I assume the target audience is rust belt Reagan Democrats.
So a non-establishment Dan Quayle? I’m willing to believe it is the smart play… but it just gets a big yawn from me.
Even though Trump’s a fossil and that should be part of the consideration people are voting for or against him. A VP pick wasn’t going to bring in those who weren’t leaning towards him anyway and maybe he’s a guy he can pass the torch to after he’s VP for a bit. A bad pick, read corporate Republican shill, could still have ruined him though and Vivek’s offputting (I like the guy but you know) and people don’t trust Gabbard just yet. He’s the safe nonestablishment pick.
Wasn’t Vance a darling of the intellectual elite at one time, for that book he wrote? Wasn’t it about economically abandoned hillbilly coal miners, or something?
I dunno about “darling” but, yes, he got props
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hillbilly_Elegy
Hey, UnCiv. I won’t get to see your story until much later this evening.
I assume I will enjoy it as much as the previous installments.
“The central premise of the Biden campaign is that President Donald Trump is an authoritarian fascist who must be stopped at all costs,” Vance wrote. “That rhetoric led directly to President Trump’s attempted assassination.”
But Axelrod sharply criticized Vance’s response — calling it the “wrong vibe in that moment” — and suggested the Trump administration might not be interested in a running mate who embraces polarizing sentiments.
OMG such polarize. Get thee to a fainting couch, Axlegrease.
True dat.
Short, weak lesbians to boot.
Seriously, that chick didn’t even come up to Two Scoop’s sternum. And then had trouble getting him off the ground. If I were Trump I would only accept Barron-sized monsters in my detail.
“I save you Father! Our bond is sealed in blood!”
[insert dramatic self-sacrifice scene]
I’ll wager these numbers will get a nice bump due to the VP nod:
Best Sellers Rank: #2,227 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
#2 in Sociology of Rural Areas
#18 in U.S. State & Local History
#91 in Memoirs (Books)
https://www.amazon.com/Hillbilly-Elegy-Memoir-Family-Culture/dp/0062300547
Oh well, there’s still cabinet positions for Tulsi and Vivek I’d imagine. I like both but they each had their own serious drawbacks too.
I wonder what sort of shenanigans will happen on Vance’s wiki page.
He’s a black face aficionado, with a keen interest in all things Nazi.
Trudeau’s the VP pick?
If I were Trump I would only accept Barron-sized monsters in my detail.
Back in ye olden days, law enforcement agencies were allowed to have “you must be this big to ride this ride” rules.
And now everyone is thinking… That’s what she said!
Just like Trump to pick an obvious white supremacist as VP.
https://americankahani.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/05/vances.jpeg
(hadn’t seen a family pic before – that should be fun)
Delicious. I can’t wait for the MSM to step on their dicks.
Colonizer!
Oooooooh, yeah. Some sweet, sweet colonization.
Hah, they met at Yale Law and she clerked for Kavanaugh.
That should be good for more heads ass-plodin’.
Let the handwringing commence
But he is largely untested in national politics and is joining the Trump ticket at an extraordinary moment. An attempted assassination of Trump at a rally Saturday has shaken the campaign, bringing new attention to the nation’s coarse political rhetoric and reinforcing the importance of those who are one heartbeat away from the presidency.
Will he be able to pick up the bloody flag and lead the charge?
Shaken who’s campaign? Brought attention to whose coarse political rhetoric?
Oh, and now we’re worried about who is one heartbeat away, because Vance, not Harris?
So cope. Much seethe.
They just announced RFK will now get Secret Service protection.
So they want him dead too.
Maybe we should start putting “protection” in quotes like that…
A capuchin monkey swung down from the ceiling and dropped two Vicodin into Donald’s open mouth. The little furry creature chittered in satisfaction and ascended back to his perch.
Different.
“Hey, Gary, what’s up?” the hair said to Donald’s pubic hedge.
“Dry me!” Gary squeaked, terrified. “Dry me!”
The monkey crawled down Donald’s wet body and began to groom Gary with apetistic focus.
Tales too Ticklish to Tell.
They just announced RFK will now get Secret Service protection.
Just in case hey weren’t already spread too thin.
Here’s a day-brightener for y’all.
Awesome. Turtle up Cocaine Mitch.
Well, Ukraine is the #1 priority for Republicans, so of course hyper-focused Mitch got wild support…..
But the pick also means that two white men will now lead the Republican ticket at a time when Trump has sought to make inroads with Black and Latino voters.
In “Hillbilly Elegy,” Vance detailed life in Appalachian communities that drifted from a Democratic Party many residents found disconnected from their daily travails. While the book was a bestseller, it was also criticized for sometimes oversimplifying rural life and ignoring the role of racism in modern politics.
Aaaand there it is.
I think Larry Elder sufficiently showed (if Thomas et alia didn’t before) that it wouldn’t have mattered if he picked a minority, they’d be immediately cast out as “Not a REAL XXXX”. Political Tribe uber alles.
So as not to shit on UCS’s post, I need a roster of Twitter @’s that go with your Glib monikers. People be tweeting at me like I should know.
Also, Ksue, I faved that long tweet you posted in morning links. What’s your @?
“Unknown motive” “RFK to get protection” “Biden Harris protection under review”
It’s almost as if they want us to believe Trump was targetted completely at random.