Kamala, First of Her Name: Episode 2

by | Aug 28, 2024 | Kamala, First of Her Name | 98 comments

Kamala jerked Tim’s leash and he stumbled into the room behind her.

“This is my war room, the nerve center, the place where I plan my plans that are the plans,” she said.

Tim looked around the vast white room, empty of everything but a huge glass-topped desk on a dais, and an office chair that looked like the work of a dozen aerospace engineers. He took a few steps into the office.

“Take your shoes off!” Kamala barked. Tim bent to comply, farted, and she pushed him over. He turtled for a long moment, struggling to roll over and stand.

“Where am I supposed to sit?” he asked, shirt untucked, shoes in his hand.

“You stand in my presence,” she said. “That’s your corner over there.” She pointed at the slightly less white far left corner from her desk.

“Stepmomma!” Ella said, bounding into the office like a hideous giraffe.

“What the fuck are you wearing now?” Kamala asked sourly, eyeing Ella’s wifebeater, chest-binder, camo tucker’s hat, and JNCOs.

“I’m bringing in the genderqueer redneck, vote,” she said with absurd pride. “Those bucktooth hillbilly retards will vote for you now.”

“All of six of them? That’’’ put us over the top.

“Can I play with the puppy?” Ella asked, all nervous energy and quivering afro.

“Yes, but don’t get him all wound up.” Kamala fired off an angry text, sharpened fake nails clacking painfully on her phone.

“Hi!” Tim said as she approached. “I’m America’s dad!”

“We’ve met,” Ella said. She caressed his bloated face with a filthy fingernail. “And I’m a genderqueer demi-romantic allosexual bi-puppy fucker.”

“Oh, my,” Tim said.

“I have a thing for Daddys,” Ella said. “Would you choke me a little?”

“I don’t know about that,” Tim said. “You seem like a nice young man but I don’t feel comfortable choking you.”

“SHE,” Ella screamed. “I might be the most beautiful woman in the world!”

“I-I-I-I,” Tim stammered.

“My stepmomma is going to be President and I demand you Daddy-choke me!”

“I don’t deserve this,” Tim muttered.

That brought The Kackle, booming in the dizzy liminal spaces of the dead-white office.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

98 Comments

  1. Not Adahn

    LOL!

    Great new banner!

    • Bobarian LMD

      Campaign slogan: “We’re Bringing Out the Gimp!”

    • SugarFree

      CPRM came through for us again. A king among men.

  2. DEG

    “I don’t deserve this,” Tim muttered.

    You took the deal.

  3. Sean

    Brat!

  4. The Late P Brooks

    “I don’t deserve this,” Tim muttered.

    You wanted it. It was always your dream.

    • Drake

      Deserves got nothing to do with it.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Damn. Beat me to it.

  5. Not Adahn

    “You stand in my presence,” she said. “That’s your corner over there.” She pointed at the slightly less white far left corner from her desk.

    I am wondering how many iterations of power-differential shading occurred.

  6. Tundra

    Tim bent to comply, farted, and she pushed him over. He turtled for a long moment, struggling to roll over and stand.

    Oh my. Fabulous start!

    And that chick is hideous.

  7. The Late P Brooks

    Hairy pits. That’ll show the man.

    • rhywun

      You know she has her own fan-clubs comprised of likely Dem voters.

      *shudder*

      • Compelled Speechless

        She is their perfect avatar. Almost as if she was designed in a lab for that purpose.

      • R C Dean

        She serves an important purpose for Kamala’s AWFL base. They can look at her and be completely unthreatened by her looks. And feeling good about yourself is the life purpose of the AWFL.

      • Sean

        She is their perfect avatar. Almost as if she was designed in a lab for that purpose.

        Obligatory.

  8. Not Adahn

    Did she actually wear a cape to the convention?

    • SugarFree

      Yes, that is a real picture from the convention. A cape, a Harris/Walz trucker hat and a bunch of shitty prison tatts.

  9. Sean

    “And I’m a genderqueer demi-romantic allosexual bi-puppy fucker.”

    *chef’s kiss*

  10. The Late P Brooks

    “I might be the most beautiful woman in the world!”

    Or might not.

    • Grumbletarian

      “She” will be on the cover of Vogue or Cosmo at some point in the near future.

  11. The Late P Brooks

    Tattoos like cartoon stickers from a box of kids’ cereal. much avant garde.

    • The Artist Formerly Known as Lackadaisical

      She’s unique, like everyone else!

    • Compelled Speechless

      She doesn’t really need those tats since she’s basically a Garbage Pail Kid come to life.

  12. Ownbestenemy

    *takes break from work* Perfect! *back to work*

  13. Aloysious

    “And I’m a genderqueer demi-romantic allosexual bi-puppy fucker.”

    um… wut?

    • EvilSheldon

      Read that as, “I’m attracted to cartoon characters, but don’t have the self-confidence to commission a fursuit.”

      • Aloysious

        Heh.

        I have to SugarFree my brain on Wednesdays.

    • SugarFree

      genderqueer: bravely and stunningly dresses like a retard

      demi-romantic: only interested in sex with someone they know and like

      allosexual: literally just means “not-asexual”

      Bi: bisexual, the trendy term for straight women who want to feel special

      The rest I hopefully made up.

      • Compelled Speechless

        With this group, you definitely did not make up the rest. You just lack an academic sounding name for it. May I suggest pedobeastiphalic?

      • Aloysious

        SF- To explain my obtuseness… I understood each individual word by themselves (theyselves? xerselves? thouselves? theeselves?), it was how you strung them together into one sentence that bricked my brain like Spuds pressure washer.

  14. db

    “Stepmomma!” Ella said, bounding into the office like a hideous giraffe.

    Oh, my

  15. The Other Kevin

    Excellent. The new banner is great, it’s going to get us on yet another list.

    • Compelled Speechless

      I assume we’ve just been put on a “all the lists” list.

  16. Necron 99

    This is wonderful. Bravo!

  17. EvilSheldon

    I’m wondering who the gimp is. He’s (?) about 100 pounds shy of Walz’s ass-and-a-half…

    • Drake

      I thought Walz – maybe after Kamala and Ella get through with him.

    • CPRM

      It’s like full body spanx.

      • EvilSheldon

        Trust me when I say; black latex puts every ounce of adipose tissue on your body on total display. That’s for good or ill.

    • Nephilium

      The Gimp’s sleeping.

    • The Other Kevin

      He wears a fat suit in public. Even his dad bod is fake.

      • Drake

        Heh.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    I’m wondering who the gimp is.

    Emhoff, I suspect. He definitely doesn’t look like the pants wearing person in that family.

    • Bobarian LMD

      They’re chaps. They’re automatically assless.

    • creech

      The First Gentleman is a lawyer, so please address him as “Doctor.”. And, to quote columnist Catherine Rampell ,
      “What. A. Hunk.”

    • Sean

      OMG

  19. Drake

    This would make Tim and all the liberals calling RFK a traitor very sad.
    https://youtu.be/jnUL9xt_aW8

    JFK was based compared to today’s Dems.

    • Tundra

      Wow. That’s awesome.

      • Drake

        Like Joe Rogan with a fancy accent.

    • The Other Kevin

      Toxic masculinity.

  20. Suthenboy

    Aaaand another surreal atrocity is introduced into the pantheon of freaks.

    I dont know about y’all but ‘hideous giraffe’ put the perfect image of her bobbly head and gangly, clumsy gait in my mind.

    • Suthenboy

      Also, what’s with the Harry Potter look?

      • SugarFree

        She has defeated the dreaded Male Gaze by being repulsive.

      • Ted S.

        Rule 34 suggests it’s attractive to *someone*.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Maybe it’s to signal that she’s a TERF?

        Because Rowling has been unpersoned by some people.

      • kinnath

        Someone told the AI to combine Sigourney Weaver and Harry Potter.

      • Suthenboy

        “Sigourney Weaver and Harry Potter.”
        Ha! How did I miss that?

  21. The Late P Brooks

    JFK was based compared to today’s Dems.

    Too radical for today’s Republicans. They’d be terrified of him.

  22. CPRM

    Reminder: It’s the last Wednesday of the month, so tonight’s cartoon is ALL NEW!

    • Sean

      Huzzah!

    • SugarFree

      Woot!

    • Swiss Servator

      And properly scheduled!

      • Sean

        *falls out of chair*

  23. The Late P Brooks

    allosexual: literally just means “not-asexual”

    “Why don’t boys like me?”

    • SugarFree

      The vast vocabulary created just to avoid the word “normal.”

      • Bobarian LMD

        I cannot be “normal”, I am a special snowflake.

      • Nephilium

        Bobarian LMD:

        Obligatory.

        /waits for the terrible announcement that someone is going to try to reboot this

  24. Toxteth O'Grady

    She would have been a perfect model for American Apparel.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    I don’t think we should discount the entertainment value of having Ella Emhoff as goon-in-residence at the White House.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    Outlandish poppycock

    Donald Trump has blamed Joe Biden and Kamala Harris for last month’s failed assassination attempt against him by accusing them of making it difficult for the Secret Service to protect him.

    The Republican presidential nominee’s claim – for which he offered no evidence – was made on the television talkshow Dr Phil, hosted by Phil McGraw, on Tuesday. The remarks follow disclosures that several Secret Service agents from the Pittsburgh field office had been placed on administrative leave after the 13 July shooting.

    ——-

    However, there has been no evidence that Biden and Harris, who both condemned the attempt, were directly involved in or interfered with the Secret Service’s arrangements.

    Biden, who was still the Democratic presidential nominee at the time of the shooting before later withdrawing, made several public statements in its aftermath and called for a cooling down of the political rhetoric.

    In his interview on Tuesday, Trump appeared to blame Biden and Harris for that rhetoric and suggested it may have inspired the attempt on his life.

    “They’re saying I’m a threat to democracy,” he said. “They would say that, that was standard line, just keep saying it, and you know that can get assassins or potential assassins going. That’s a terrible thing … Maybe that bullet is because of their rhetoric.”

    No shit. It’s about time.

    • Sean

      Has nothing to do with the fact that Dr. Jill’s (unqualified) buddy was the head of the agency. Nope.

    • The Other Kevin

      The plan was (and still is) to gaslight people into thinking Trump will be the next Hitler. If you think you’re stopping the next Hitler, you have a moral obligation to do anything and everything to stop him. That goes all the way from election cheating to murder. Yet the ones doing the gaslighting can deny the whole thing and act SHOCKED when it actually happens. These people are evil.

      • rhywun

        Look, we barely survived the last four years under literally Hitler.

    • R C Dean

      “However, there has been no evidence that Biden and Harris, who both condemned the attempt, were directly involved in or interfered with the Secret Service’s arrangements.”

      “Directly” and “interfered” are carrying a lot of weight there. A lot.

    • Ted S.

      The Democratic Party and their lackeys in the media are constantly asserting without evidence that Orange Man Bad is a threat to democracy.

    • Grumbletarian

      Biden, who was still the Democratic presidential nominee at the time of the shooting before later withdrawing, made several public statements in its aftermath and called for a cooling down of the political rhetoric.

      And then at the DNC they repeated the lie that Trump called white supremacists in Charlottesville very fine people.

  27. The Late P Brooks

    The FBI has said the gunman acted alone and that it has found no evidence that he was driven by ideological motives.

    He couldn’t find any beer cans to shoot at, so he thought he’d swing by that crowd and pick off a couple of random turkeys.

    • The Other Kevin

      Forgot who it was, but right after the shooting someone said how strange it is that when a politician gets shot in another country, it’s obviously politically motivated and we don’t think twice about motive. But not so here.

      • rhywun

        Here it depends on the political party of the participants.

  28. mikey

    The Dems are giving SF some pretty easy material to work with, but he’s not taking the easy way out.
    Fantastic.

  29. Sean

    Uh…Did I miss episode 1?

    • Sean

      Is this gonna be some weird Firefly thing where they get played out of order?

      • Bobarian LMD

        The pilot episode was only available for premium subscribers.

      • Sean

        GODDAMNIT!

    • kinnath

      Last week. No new banner yet.

      • Sean

        That still came up as Joemala.

        *shrug*

  30. Ozymandias

    I’m just glad I went back to last week so I won’t be left out of any inside jokes about “getting the bronze medal.”
    SF, you are a master.

    • Not Adahn

      See, that is the correct way to respond, not to accuse Kammy of faking anything put putting up his own implausible last-name-not-mentioned letter and let people notice as they wish.

      • Sean

        The little hearts…

        ROFLMAO

      • Tundra

        “I turned to Montel…”

        Ded.

      • Not Adahn

        The notebook paper adds to the authenticity.

  31. The Late P Brooks

    Did I miss episode 1?

    it’s on the shelf, right next to Travelling Wilburys vol 2.