I, Soldier – part 24

by | Sep 23, 2024 | Fiction | 88 comments

It dawned on me that my mom’s cryptic note about leaving my dad for a better man was a subtle way of saying she was leaving him to be a nun. Nuns sometimes refer to themselves as brides of Christ. The mystery was unraveling fast.

To gain access to the grounds, I decided to pose as a journalist for a Catholic magazine. Even nuns can’t resist the appeal of being the subject of a magazine story. I even made a fake press pass. The mother superior agreed to give me the grand tour after some sweet-talking. As we walked through a hallway, I saw some group photos and thought I recognized my mom in them. Then I saw a wall with photos of the nun-of-the-month or some such. I saw my mom’s picture with her name clearly written at the bottom. Bingo. I asked the mother superior about the nuns pictured on the wall and after some other misleading small talk, I pointed to my mom’s picture and asked where she worked at the convent. The mother superior said she took care of the goats. I asked if I could see the where the goats were kept, and fortunately, by this point I had won her over and she agreed to let me mill around unescorted as long as I liked.

I took a meandering route to the goat pen and took pictures for the sake of disguising myself along the way. When I was certain I was within earshot of my mom, I took out a prayer book and pretended to recite from it. What I actually recited was Psalm 23, which I remember seeing at my dad’s house while growing up. It was the only Bible verse my dad liked and I think my mom left it behind on purpose rather than taking it with the rest of her stuff. When I finished with “the lord is my shepherd; I shall not want”, she turned towards me and began studying my face. I don’t think she had ever seen me with long hair or a beard before.

“I once knew a man who loved that verse” she said.

“I still know a man who loves that verse. He has it hanging on the wall of his house. He once bought a puppy for his wife. She named it Daisy.”

“Tom?!”

“Mom?!”

“I thought you were dead!”

“Dad told me you were dead!”

She took me into her nearby cell and took a newspaper clipping out of a drawer. It was an article from my hometown paper about how I had been reported missing in action. For some reason, there had never been a follow-up article about my rescue. Also there had been no news coverage of my rampage in Amity. I’m still trying to figure out how that happened. There’s a western called The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance. The ending reveals an interesting lesson about how news becomes history. It is often a crooked path with a lot of distortion. In this instance, I was happy that my mom did not find out about my crimes in Amity.

We spent the next few hours catching up. It was surprisingly pleasant. I felt obligated to tell her what my dad told me before I began my investigation.

“That’s his choice, and I don’t blame him for it. I did basically abandon him while he was overseas.”

“We can’t change the past; just learn from it and move on.”

“And how have you been moving on?”

“I left the Army, got married, got a new job, and have a kid on the way. I was also thinking of getting into politics as a campaign manager.”

“Why that? Why not run yourself?”

“When I see who wins and who loses, it has a lot to do with matters of appearance. I’d rather help someone likeable win, like what happened in Cyrano de Bergerac.”

“That’s the one where the guy with the big nose writes love letters for his friend, right?”

“Yep, that’s it. I read that a lot of people thought they were voting for Teddy Roosevelt when FDR was the nominee for the 1932 election.”

“It’s amazing how clueless so many people can be at the same time.”

“So many movements are fueled by the willful ignorance of their supporters. Sometimes all that can be done is to get people to do the right thing for the wrong reason.”

“It seems like your heart is in the right place. I wish we could have stayed in touch.”

“It’s OK. The experiences I had made me the man I am today. Pain is often the best teacher.”

“I think you’ve had enough lessons in that to last a lifetime. Your new mission should be to be happy.”

“That might end up being my hardest mission yet. I never back down from a challenge though. Here’s my latest contact info. Let’s keep in touch this time.”

“At least stay long enough for us to eat dinner together. I’ll bring a plate out for you.”

I was curious to see what nuns eat for dinner. It was lentil soup, black bread, goat cheese, and a salad. She even brought out a bit of red wine. It’s nice to know that even nuns like wine with dinner. She had a quiet, simple life in the scenic countryside with animals and was happy. I can see why should chose that and began to wonder why I had charged into hell on earth with such gusto. Whatever that reason was, it didn’t matter anymore. We finished eating at about the same time. I had been trying hard to take human-size bites. We hugged long and hard and then I left.

I decided to stretch my legs for a bit and ponder the stars. One of the great missed pleasures of life is to see the night sky far away from any source of artificial light. In many ways, the world is chaotic and cruel, but it can also be very beautiful.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

88 Comments

  1. Fourscore

    “One of the great missed pleasures of life is to see the night sky far away”

    Even in VN there are places where the stars can be seen. Now I can see them from my deck on a clear night. It truly is a pleasure.

    • R C Dean

      Tucson has a “dark skies” thing – low-scatter streetlights (and none of them out where we are), etc. I think it started because of the Kitt Peak observatory not far outside of town. It does make for lots of stars. Very nice.

    • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

      Starry, starry night
      Paint your palette blue and grey
      Look out on a summer’s day
      With eyes that know the darkness in my soul

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtLwXsjIj3E

      • cavalier973

        They’re not listening

      • MikeS

        Perhaps they never will

    • LCDR_Fish

      Out to sea – especially in the middle of the pacific – most nights you could just sit topside and look at the milky way. Only lights topside were the navigation lights and I never had to deploy with a strike group (just occasional group exercises).

    • Suthenboy

      To really see the night sky one has to go to sea. That is the lowest ambient light you can find.
      On a clear moonless night it is just….well, there are no words.

    • Evan from Evansville

      “Dagnabbit! Ain’t anyone in this cemetery dead?!
      “I didn’t want to raise a fuss, but…”

      Ah, back when The Simpsons was good. This reminds me of a blessing I’m now careful to not casually bring up: My parents are still alive and happily together after ~45 years. Dad is happily accelerating towards his demise through the quest for Eternal Youth, and we’re fairly ‘prepared’ for that eventuality. Mom, OTOH, I suppose is one of those ‘You’ll know [how to feel] when it happens’ type of events.

      I did re-discover my family five years ago. I was jubilant and convinced they were well-trained actors. I questioned Bro about childhood stuff to test if he was ‘real.’ I was happily convinced they were in a few minutes, I suppose. Life is a queer little bitch, ain’t She? But She is everything and She’s lovely. Shame rent ain’t cheap.

  2. LCDR_Fish

    OT – follow-up to some earlier discussions on cars.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaCw8I4Q0K8 – SerpentZA from ADV China has a new vid explaining a lot of the Chinese EV issues. I know China has issues manufacturing aircraft engines, but I hadn’t known that they’d never domestically manufactured a car internal combustion motor. Far more disturbing now.

    • Chafed

      The CCP controlled companies don’t care about safety?!? I’m shocked! Shocked I tell you.

  3. UnCivilServant

    Went bowling today, the lanes had TVs on in between the scoreboards. Every commercial break there was a Harris ad.

    If Harris is doing an ad spend in New York of all places, their internal polling must be abysmal.

    • creech

      Good- one fewer ad they can run in Pennsylvania.

    • Raven Nation

      Yeah, I don’t know what to make of it all. I live in a swing district in an otherwise very red state. The anti-Republicans PACs are painting the incumbent as a MAGA extremist, while he’s touting his “independent” voting record. Interesting, the Democrat challenger is running on a strong borders, lower taxes, pro-police platform (even though his record as a state legislator is very liberal).

      • Fourscore

        I saw a Harris yard sign today, they are few and far between. Most of MN needs and wants to let the metro area go.

      • DenverJ

        I am the driver of the only 2004 suzuki verona that I have ever seen on the road. Suzuki stopped selling cars in Merica some decade plus back. I need front struts. Suzuki America will sel them, for $415 per side. I got the right side from Rock Auto for $68 including shipping. The left side does not exist in North America, not even Canada, where the car was sold as a Chevy Epica. I found the part in South Korea and Poland. I felt my money was safer in SK. $100 for the part and $85 shipping. Now I just have to install them, and no, they are not preloaded.

      • rhywun

        Sounds like Kamala, who is also trying to fake a platform that is the opposite of everything we knew about her.

      • Chafed

        DenverJ! You still walk among us. How are you?

      • MikeS

        +1 DenverJ!

      • Chafed

        That’s what I said.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Avoiding speed bumps by his comment.

      • MikeS

        That’s what I said.

        That’s why I +1’d you. Do you even message board, bro?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Only a few Harris bumper stickers and yard signs. I wish Trump or Vance would whistle stop into blue states.

      • Chafed

        I’m not a Firster. I don’t understand these things.

      • Chafed

        @GL, well played sir. Well played.

      • MikeS

        How come Amtrak Joe never did a whistle stop tour?

      • MikeS

        “To the children who hear the whistle of the train and dream of a better life — that’s who we’re fighting for. That’s who needs change,” President Obama said at one stop along the way.

        🤢🤮

    • rhywun

      If Harris is doing an ad spend in New York of all places, their internal polling must be abysmal.

      That’s my thought too. Unbelievable how many ads she is showing here.

    • rhywun

      Ugh I finally passed a bowling alley here… and it was abandoned.

      I miss bowling.

      • Chafed

        Aren’t you in or near Ithica? I have got to believe drunk college kids would keep the lanes in business.

      • rhywun

        Yes. There is one on campus but it’s not entirely clear to me that it’s open to the public. I think it is?

      • Chafed

        Just walk in and shout from the river to the sea. They’ll assume you are a graduate student. After that, it’s just you and the pins.

      • DenverJ

        Weird. Someone needs to complain about the threading, but I wouldn’t dare. Anywho, the verona is weird. 2.5 ltr 6 cylinder with 24 dohc. I like it, but it’s… weird. The platform is actually Daewoo.

      • rhywun

        lol

        In my day we called graying, potbellied grad students “gradual students”.

      • Chafed

        @DenverJ I’m no mechanic but it’s starting to sound like someone sold you two bicycles connected by two small couches.

    • Evan from Evansville

      Indiana is all Harris, shockingly(?) enough. Or my Algorithm is convinced I need convincing.

      IN is solid Red, tho Indy/Marion County was 64:35 towards Biden in ’20. Indiana ain’t swinging. Why waste money here? Or, again, is it just what my Algorithm ‘thinks’ of me?

      • rhywun

        Maybe an effect of the Dems outspending the GOP several times over, as usual.

      • Evan from Evansville

        Perhaps. As others have said, it’s odd to throw money at a state that was 57:41 Trump in ’20, a bit more than he beat Clinton in ’16.

        I freely admit to not knowing how to ‘organize’ much. I’m a ‘Trees’ man, not nearly as ‘Forest’ focused as Older Bro is. I’m not a schemer and Big Plans don’t come naturally to me. I think many/most political prognostications are judged by happenstance and luck, rather than the literal foresight of millions of strangers.

        TL;DR: Pols throw shit at the wall until something sticks. Call it “prescient” when the die land right.

  4. Chafed

    That is a super cryptic thing for your mother to say.

  5. Chafed

    I’m watching what’s going on in Lebanon and am baffled by the locals renting attics, bedrooms, and garages to Hezbollah to store missiles. At what point do you look south and realize these people are not fucking around and I don’t want to find out?

    • MikeS

      Hate is a hell of a drug.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Because the Israelis are far away and Hezbollah is right there. I’m guessing the refusal rate is lower than what Tony Sopranos get in NJ.

      • MikeS

        +1 Offer you can’t refuse

        Also, hate is a hell of a drug.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Also, 72 virgins clause in the rental contract.

      • Chafed

        I get that. The part I don’t get is staying around. They must know they are balls deep in FAFO territory. At what point do you eat the loss and flee?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Right of Return waves “hi!”

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        “Accept these and risk death or refuse and embrace it, like right now.” If you understand risk at all you’re going to end up with the spare bedroom full of munitions.

  6. Brochettaward

    You know what the secret of crop circles are? They’re Firsts.

    • MikeS

      You mean crap circles.

      • Chafed

        Lots of those in San Francisco.

  7. Festus

    If “Nun of the Month Club” is not a real thing then the internet needs to make it happen posthaste! Honestly surprised if it isn’t already there.

    • MikeS

      Rule 34 says there is. But I’m not putting that in my search history.

      • MikeS

        I made a vow.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        You’ll have nun of that?

      • Chafed

        It’s best to avoid prison.

  8. Gustave Lytton

    pose as a journalist for a Catholic magazine

    America or Maryknoll?

    • Festus

      Who’s next? WHO’S NEXT?

      • Festus

        That doddering fool is the figurehead of American strength and diplomacy worldwide. Kamala can’t even change his Depends without getting a palmful of shit on her hand. Half of your country is gonna vote for her. God help ya.

      • Chafed

        If America’s hat could survive Trudeau, we can survive Harris. Hopefully, we’ll only need to survive Trump.

      • dbleagle

        Plus, now that this tidbit is out Bibi will make damn sure there won’t a ceasefire signed with the US’s influence within a country mile. As the UN SecGen told the press recently- neither side wants a ceasefire at this time. This just cements both sides bargaining positions.

      • R C Dean

        “If America’s hat could survive Trudeau”

        The Canada Trudeau leaves behind will be, what’s the term? Ah, yes, “fundamentally transformed”. Whether that counts as surviving depends on your perspective.

    • Gustave Lytton

      So of Biden wants this to improve Harris’ prospects (spoiler: it won’t), then not having it will hurt her? Gee, I can’t see why Israel wouldn’t bend over backwards to get her elected. Maybe Biden can charge aipac with election interference next.

  9. CPRM

    Sean, I got the peppers.

    Also, I just found out Metallica made Unforgiven III. Man, I haven’t listened to them in 20 years, they really suck now.

    • Sean

      😉

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Yep, I can’t forgive them (hyuk, hyuk) for that shite. But seriously, the musicians that are worth listening to after they clean themselves up and even worse get into middle age can be counted on one hand. Chaos and ambition make for good music, comfort and routine make for trash.

  10. Gustave Lytton

    Pissing off the Jews, now the Catholics, and yet none of that will hurt Kamala.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean, U, and Stinky!

      • Gender Traitor

        We’re finally getting some badly-needed rain! However, that means there are multiple accidents in the area. So far, none reported along my route, but it’s early yet. 😒

        How about you?

      • UnCivilServant

        Its my first day physically in the office. The lavender is still alive. The sprouts are still producing new leaves at the top while other leaves are yellowing/browning, and I’m not sure if this is normal or something needs changing.

      • Gender Traitor

        🤷‍♀️

    • Grumbletarian

      Bon matin, tout les Glibs.

    • UnCivilServant

      The parents have strength of numbers, they should don masks and pre-emptively fuck up the school officials.

    • Grumbletarian

      Seems like an easily winnable First Amendment lawsuit. Call up the folks at FIRE.

    • Sean

      Unreal.