I, Soldier – part 25

by | Sep 30, 2024 | Fiction | 95 comments

It was a long drive back to Fort Meade, but a pleasant one. I certainly began to see the advantages of using a car for road trips rather than hitchhiking or taking a bus. And certainly much safer than hopping on a train and hoping you don’t get caught or hurt. I rode the rails a few times when I was a teen. Never very far, just wanted to see if I could get on, get off, and find my way home. I figured it was good practice for the Army and it was. The best time to get on or off is when the train slows down for a bend in the track. Sometimes trains stop near junctions that have a track switch. That’s the safest place to make a move. After that, you can just follow the track back until you see landmarks from where you got on. I only road the rails that way a dozen times or so. The excitement and novelty wear off quickly.

Time seemed to fly by, and then Alexandra went into labor. They tried to make me stay in the waiting room. I held her hand the whole time. It was a long 10 hours until, at last, our first child was born. We took turns holding her and later named her Catherine, after the famous Russian empress.

The joy of this event was overshadowed by the fall of Saigon a few months later in 1975. The news coverage was too depressing to watch, but I read some articles about it. The villagers of the outpost had been evacuated to Thailand, just as Trautman had promised. He also assured me that Binh, Sao Mai, and their closest relatives would be resettled in the US soon. I suggested they be relocated near me at Fort Meade. It would be good for me and them to see each other again.

The last few years of the war saw a new US strategy called Vietnamization, meaning that as US troops were gradually withdrawn, the South Vietnamese would no longer have US help with things like air support, artillery, and other heavy weapons and equipment. However, all those things still depended on ammo, fuel, and spare parts from the US. When Congress cut the funding to them, it was only a matter of time before the South Vietnamese military collapsed. The USSR and China continuously resupplied North Vietnam. China bordered North Vietnam, so the North Vietnamese had the advantage of very short supply lines. The US also never succeeded in shutting down the Ho Chi Minh trail, which the Viet Cong depended on for the bulk of their supplies.

The Watergate scandal soured me on politics for a time, though I had read enough history to realize that such events are to be expected. Many Roman emperors were deposed by their own bodyguards. In Nixon’s case, he weaponized the FBI for use against his political opponents. At least he had the decency to resign after being impeached, though he was later pardoned by his successor Ford.

The pendulum of public opinion had swung in the favor of the Democrats for this and other reasons. Alexandra was also old enough to run for the House of Representatives. I began to research which seats would be available soon. The key was to look for the oldest Democrats in Congress, as they were the ones most likely to resign before the next election. As luck would have it, I found such a seat not too far away in northern Virginia. It was time to develop at platform and a campaign.

I suggested shifting money from certain weapon programs to veteran healthcare. I didn’t want to get too controversial or ambitious. She, on the other, was all over the map. There hardly seemed to be a single issue she didn’t want to take drastic action on. The tax code, education, healthcare, the military, foreign relations, the environment, homelessness…you name it, she had an idea for it. In that case, I explained, it’s better to be as vague as possible to get elected, and then you can propose and vote for all the ideas you want. FDR campaigned against Hoover’s excessive spending, and once elected, spent even more. He ended getting elected to an unprecedented four terms despite breaking his initial promise is such a flagrant way.

Other factors that would work in her favor included that she was relatively young, married, and a new mother. Her biggest liability, besides me, was how she dressed. I told her the hippie clothes would need to stay in closet during the campaign. It was time to dress like Jacqueline Kennedy. All those Ethels and Gertrudes in nursing homes needed to see younger versions of themselves when they saw her. I advised her to visit a few churches in the district and pay attention to how the women dressed and spoke. The better she could imitate that, the more votes she would get. It was important to visit a variety of Catholic and Protestant churches to get an idea of the average look. This was hard for Alexandra given her experiences in Catholic school as a girl, but she summoned the courage to enter the metaphorical lion’s den once more.

Meanwhile, I had to get my story straight. I checked many newspapers near Amity and paid particular attention to the police blotters. I found no mention of my rampage, which was encouraging. I kept to myself at work but was generally respected for my language expertise. Trautman would vouch for me in a pinch, but I didn’t want to ask any more favors of him. I decided that Binh and Sao Mai would be my most valuable allies. My plan was to tell a sanitized version of what I did in Vietnam if the issue arose, and those two could vouch for me. I met with them a few times. They were learning English fast but had accents most Americans would struggle to understand. Binh asked why I could not invite some of the US POWs we had rescued to stand together on stage during the campaign. I had honestly not even thought of that. It was time to call Trautman again.

“Hello, Sam. Hope civilian life is treating you well.”

“The same to you, Tom. What’s on your mind?”

“Those guys Binh and I rescued in Nam, could you get me their names? I’d like to get in touch with them.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thanks, Sam. You’re best. Peace out, as my wife likes to say.”

“Peace out, war in, feelin’ groovy, far-out man? The way some people talk today makes no sense to me sometimes. Take care, Tom. Ta ta for now, as Tigger likes to say.”

Odd that Truman knew about Winnie the Pooh. People are always full of surprises. Given his age, that would have been the popular kids’ book of his childhood.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

95 Comments

  1. Derpetologist

    Something I was working on earlier:

    https://platedlizard.blogspot.com/2024/09/an-informal-proof-of-lockharts.html

    ***
    Lockhart observes in his book Measurement that if you mark and connect the midpoints of the sides of ANY quadrilateral, you will inscribe a parallelogram.
    ***

    Charter School Chronicles – part 6

    I returned to my classroom today to find it crawling and not crawling with live and dead ants respectively. I’ve been letting my students eat in the classroom, and unfortunately because a careless few, I was forced to ban that. It was an easy ruling to make as they don’t want ants in the classroom either. The incident gave me a reason to tell them a few stories about the siafu ants and kumbikumbi flying termites of Africa. There was much rejoicing.

    I’ve also decided to get tough about goofing off with phones, laptops, etc. during class. Ditto for talking and sleeping during class. I dislike being a disciplinarian, yet the role has been thrust upon me. Those I caught doing so today were given a book to read if they did not already have a book or actual schoolwork to do. So help me God, I am going get every lazy, mediocre student to read at least one book while they are in my class.

    George Bailey fought the Battle of Bedford Falls and I shall fight the Battle of Dog-Eaten Homework.

    • UnCivilServant

      Growing up, the family dog had no interest in eating homework.

      • Derpetologist

        I don’t think any homework has ever been eaten by a dog, unless it was for a cooking class.

        And yes, someone tried to use that excuse on me today.

      • Fourscore

        The original one I heard was “I have a convertible and my homework was in my book on the back seat. The top was down and the wind blew the book open and my homework away”

    • R C Dean

      “I’ve also decided to get tough about goofing off with phones, laptops, etc. during class. Ditto for talking and sleeping during class.”

      I would have no patience with any of that. Expecting them to pay attention* and especially not distract/disrupt other students is the absolute bare minimum.

      *The burden is on the teacher to make paying attention worth their while.

  2. Derpetologist

    Crap, forgot to change a “Trautman” to “Truman”. Ugh, proofreading is the final frontier. His slang’s out of date too. I’m pretty sure people stopped saying such hippy-isms by the mid 70s.

    • UnCivilServant

      Troutman, the only super hero more niche than Aquaman.

      • Derpetologist

        With the power to swim upstream…

      • creech

        Flys a rainbow flag?

      • UnCivilServant

        You’re thinking of Golden Age Troutman, Modern Troutman dresses in silver and is a cannibal.

      • MikeS

        Watches Ricki Lake?

      • UnCivilServant

        Now there’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time…

      • MikeS

        Will brook no corruption?

  3. ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

    I am in burley Idaho having a beer at the Spod Celler.

    • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

      Spud, damnit!

    • UnCivilServant

      I think you’ve had too many.

    • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

      IT”S A TRAP! YOU ARE GOING TO END UP IN A BATHTUB MISSING YOUR KIDNEYS!

      • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        Oh never mind.

        I thought you meant our own Glib Spud’s cellar, not https://www.spudcellarbar.com/

      • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        Carry on my wayward son.

  4. LCDR_Fish

    After SMCC, I decided to give again through Samaritan’s Purse. Particularly since they’re already HQ’d in the affected area.

    And this

    I do have an aunt and uncle in Rutherfordton who lost power for a couple days (but no major issues thankfully) and more friends in the Morganton/Lake James area. Scale of this is still nuts…and while it’s nice to see more Guard stuff now, not sure why it took so long to mobilize in some areas given the number of units in the state[s] affected. I mean…there were clips on Saturday of Virginia State Police helicopters doing stuff in TN but nothing for Guard/active duty helicopter units. Posse comitatus doesn’t impact disaster relief. There are so many active duty air cav units in the area…but no sign of anything.

  5. MikeS

    King of cookies:
    Oatmeal raisin

    Honorable mention:
    Oatmeal no-bake cookies in all their chocolate and or peanut butter varieties.
    Oatmeal monster cookies

    That’s the best you can do?:
    Oatmeal chocolate chip

    • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

      How can one man be so wrong?

      1. Ginger snap
      2. Chocolate chip
      3. Peanut butter

      • UnCivilServant

        Well, you came close to maximizing the wrong, so I guess applause is in order for setting a goal and coming close.

      • Evan from Evansville

        You’re closest.
        Base denominator: Raisins fucking suck. They’re a vaguely edible tire-like substance. Requiring more time to chew reminds you of why you SHOULDN’T have eaten that small bite out of misplaced politeness. Grapes aren’t great, either. (Purple is also the worst flavor of *most* candies.)

        Oatmeal chocolate chip is great. Why add shit to such a nicely composed treat?

      • cyto

        All excellent t

    • R C Dean

      Oatmeal raisin, with, wait for it . . . a thin slice of candied pineapple on top.

      • UnCivilServant

        Not on top, chopped into the mix.

        Do you even bake, bro?

      • Not Adahn

        Wafer-theen?

    • Q Continuum

      Oatmeal in any and all applications is for livestock and imbeciles.

      • UnCivilServant

        I hope you contract itchy excema and are forced to avoid colloidal oeatmeal treatments by the force of your own principles

    • Brochettaward

      Shut the fuck up with this whack shit.

      • Brochettaward

        IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK

      • MikeS

        It obviously matters to you.

      • MikeS

        I’M IN YOUR HEAD

      • Brochettaward

        The only thing inside of you is a second.

    • Mojeaux

      So wrong.

      1. Lemon sugar cookies

      All the other cookies just exist.

  6. Brochettaward

    In Canada, it is the National Day for Truth and Reconciliation.

    Western civilization is already dead. We are in a new dark age.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Truth and reconciliation is the opposite of what they want.

  7. The Bearded Hobbit

    RIP Charlie Hustle.

    It will probably be in the morning links.

    • MikeS

      What’s the over-under on it being the first link?

      • Gustave Lytton

        If it’s Sloopy… also, reminiscing that everyone knew he was bettting.

    • cyto

      Now can he be in their special club?

  8. cyto

    Nutpunch update

    https://youtu.be/KLk7aKXx2Dc?si=7kmjTxUr4c512u5z

    It’s worse than you think.

    Homeless guy who was tackled and arrested for no reason at a festival is handcuffed, threatened, taunted and then taken by his arms and shoulders and driven into the ground headfirst. Mocked by police after he cries out that he is paralyzed. One even threatens him with felony assault charges as his head lolls about on his broken neck and brushes the officers arm.

    So… update:

    No investigation has been done. None. Not reported to state authorities as required.

    2 of the same cops had been involved in another similar use of force case… also never investigated.

    Warning, not suitable for people with a soul.

    • Brochettaward

      Yea, I’m not going to watch that.

      Shame the guy wasn’t black. I mean, then it would be worthy of media coverage.

      • cyto

        Probably for the best. There is much taunting as they prop his limp body up at a picnic table and he begs for help.

        They also call in a low priority ambulance, so firefighters arrive after half an hour.

        They don’t tell him the may have broken his neck. They laugh and insinuate that he is either stoned or faking.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Hey, he was going to die at some point eventually so brutality is perfectly ok.

      /Chauvin fellators

      • cyto

        These guys make Chauvin look like a saint.

        They injured him intentionally. They taunt him about taking his bag, which appears to have all of his worldly possessions. They make his injuries much worse, taunting him the whole while.

        And now they deny everything, lying in deposition.

        He was fighting. He squared of in a fighting stance.. they took down a handcuffed guy for his safety (seconds after standing him up)

        All complete lies, all backed by the department, city, prosecutors and department and city attorneys.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Barrel full of rotten apples.

      • rhywun

        It appears to be on video. How can they lie about it…?

    • cyto

      For those who have eyes to see… compare with George Floyd case.

      Compare national news coverage.

      Compare intent.

      Compare line of causation.

      And second thought, dont

  9. cyto

    OK, since the greatest cookie debate has widened…. I am really going to stick my foot in it.

    The absolute worst cookie of all time…

    With apologies to our Jewish friends….

    The black and white cookie.

    If you do not live in an area with large Jewish populations, you may not have encountered this abomination.

    It is a thing of beauty to behold. It gives the appearance of being an iced sugar cookie with white on one side and black on the other.

    So you expect a wonderful experience of a delicious sugar cookie and chocolate and vanilla frosting.

    Oh, no.

    That ain’t no sugar cookie. I mean, it is in that direction, but without sugar and without flavors

    And the icing is just like colored royal icing or something. Zero flavor. Just powdered sugar and water. Maybe a smidgen of crisco? Not sure.

    Anyway, the widest disparity between expectations and delivery in my entire life. My Jewish friends “ooh, just wait until you try Toojays back and white cookies!! They are the best!!!

    No… no they are not.

    There should be some sort of cutoff. Like, if you are not better than a publix sprinkles sugar cookie, you cannot call yourself a cookie.

    • UnCivilServant

      You left out the fact that they are so dry that eating two will mummify you.

      • Brochettaward

        Chocolate chip or peanut butter cookies.

        I honestly think I make the best peanut butter cookie I’ve ever personally had. And the one I posted here the other night? Chocolate chip peanut butter cookies with a layer of peanut butter inside them.

        Fucking spectacular.

        Oatmeal…get the fuck out of here with that shit.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      It’s a slightly lemon-flavored iced cake, akin to the superior Jaffa Cake.

      I agree that it’s not worth the calories / carbs.

  10. cyto

    Also on the oatmeal front…

    My daughter barely touched her apple cinnamon oatmeal this morning, so I had cold apple cinnamon oatmeal for breakfast.

    Dad diet.

    Also… cold oatmeal… yes, mostly for animal feed. And me, apparently.

    • cyto

      Wow. The icons of my youth are dropping like flies lately.

  11. UnCivilServant

    While I have defended honorable cookie concoctions from wrongful slander, I have avoided making declarations about which is best, because I know I bake the best damn cookies.

    • cyto

      There is a lot of bold talk around here…. and i happen to be hungry.

      Damn shame we are not all close…. I would insist on an immediate bake-off and appoint myself judge.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m trying to figure out how to get a few batches to the Honey Harvest to share.

      • UnCivilServant

        If I go for a very direct route, I would need to keep them fresh for four or five days.

        I don’t know if they last that long.

      • Fourscore

        If you mail a sampler (large size) a few weeks in advance it would be cared for as if it was my own.

        Richard’s Vermont Maple Syrup was entrusted to me and it survived both the journey and the time element.

        Thanks, Richard.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m trying to remember how long it takes for them to go stale, and what the dropoff in quality looks like over time.

      • Fourscore

        Cookies, stale? You’re kidding, of course.

        Hard to fool Glibs, you big teaser.

      • Sean

        The bakery at the farmer’s market makes amazing kiffles.

        Just sayin’

    • Chipping Pioneer

      Does it always fall on a Tuesday?

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean, ChipP, and Ted’S.!

      After a little less than 48 hours, we got our electricity back late yesterday afternoon, so I guess I have to go back to work. (Also because first of the month, so month-end reports gotta get done in time for an early-in-the-month Board meeting.)

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, U! How are you today?

      • UnCivilServant

        severely off-kilter.

        I’ve got to fix my sleep schedule.

      • Gender Traitor

        ::notes time stamp on earlier comments:: Yeah, unless you had a nice long nap after work yesterday, that’s not a lot of sleep!

      • UnCivilServant

        Sunday-monday I got 2 hours. Monday afternoon I picked up 3. This morning I picked up 2, so over two days I’ve got 7 hours.

      • Gender Traitor

        😳

      • UnCivilServant

        I might get some involuntary sleep during work as I haven’t gotten to refresh my caffiene stock, so I’m on my last bottle.

      • Gender Traitor

        Uh oh! Hope you don’t have any meetings!

      • UnCivilServant

        I did have one at 2:30, but other people asked for a reschedule, so I moved it.

  12. EvilSheldon

    Are tarts cookies?

    • Gender Traitor

      I think they dwell in that magical place between a cookie and a pie.

      • EvilSheldon

        That’s far too reasonable to argue about.

        Hmm. What about cookie bars? Cookie contents, but in a brownie form factor?

    • Gender Traitor

      Anzac biscuits are an explicit exemption to an Australian ban on commercial goods that use the term “Anzac”, so long as they are sold as “biscuits” and not “cookies”.

      So naturally they get around that by calling them

      ANZAC bikkies

      😄

  13. Fourscore

    Morning to all! Another beautiful day, leaves are changing color, pine needles are falling.

    Too soon however, something else will be falling. A little dry, we could use a share of the excess rain others have gotten.

    I like to go into winter with a wet under story to off set a snow shortage in the spring.

  14. Suthenboy

    Morning all.
    I should have posted this 3 hours ago.
    Bored? Time to kill? Well worth the time.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYRYXhU4kxM

    I have only heard this guy once before so I dont know much about him. Anyway, if you dont have time or inclination now, save for later.

    • Suthenboy

      Ok, I read up on him. I didnt know about him but I did know about his work. He is the best example of a person falling victim to being human.
      A very smart and insightful man. Well worth the listen.