Some of the Zoomsters have seen the prototype of my Japan Beard (and the Post Beard Era), so you can safely skip over this post. Or you can start shit-posting right away, no need to wait 30 minutes.
The impetus for my Japan Beard started last year when my wife and I stayed with her sister in Kobe, Japan for a month. Along with the sister-in-law were a couple nieces and their kids. I am, and always have been, cat nip to kids. They recognize someone who isn’t going to get all worked up about rules or “adult supervision”. The kids and I got along great. Lots of spirited Uno games, wrestling matches and other shenannigans.
When it was time to go home, they even suggested to my niece that if she didn’t drive me to the airport, there was no way – with my limited Japanese – I could make it myself. I’d be forced to stay. The niece wasn’t having any of it and away we went. At the airport the kids saw my passport photo.
Sorry for the poor quality, but it is good enough to show the kick-ass mullet, the beard that hadn’t turned grey due to climate change and a steely gaze. The kids saw it and ooh-ed and aah-ed. They said I looked like a pirate! Who doesn’t want to be a pirate?
Jump forward in time a bit and Mrs. Holiness and I decide that we should try working overseas for a year (OK, I’m the only one working, but she is here with me). I get the green light from my current employer and we start planning. The first thing on my checklist was “Grow an even more kickass beard!”. So when spring rolled around, I didn’t cut off the beard.
One of the things I have learned in over 30 years of marital bliss is to not bother Mrs. Holiness by telling her the entirety of my plans. She appreciates it when I only give her dribs and drabs of the plan. It helps her maintain her inner peace. By the end of April, though, she was demanding a full debriefing on what was going on with the stupid beard. I placated her with testimony that would make me eminently suited for a high position in the Secret Service. I admitted I was growing a beard, but it wasn’t going to be that bad. Besides, if she didn’t nag me, I’d probably get sick of it and cut it off.
By mid-May she had caught on that my assurances were worth nothing. She was stuck with my Japan Beard. It didn’t help that my ne’er-do-well buddies all thought it was a hoot. She carried on for the next several weeks, but my vast experience of being a husband inured me to all of that.
That is how I came to show up in Japan a week ago looking like this:
Yeah, I grew the mop of hair on top of my head too. This is the look that had the Glibzoomsters all giggling when I’d show up on the Zoom.
Honestly, I barely limped across the finish line. I hated the beard and I hate trying to control my hair once it gets more than an inch or two long. I was too committed to the bit to give up though. The things I suffer for.
So what did people think? The sister-in-law was appalled, the nieces thought it was super funny, the kids ….
They said I looked like a HOMELESS PERSON! I tried to get them to call me a pirate, but to no avail. The focus group had decided that I was now a homeless person and there was no convincing them otherwise.
Obviously it was time to chop it off.
Just as obviously, you can’t chop it off all at once. So I got the kids and we made an afternoon out of trimming it into other beards. First up: Civil War General
The sides are uneven because I let two different great-nephews take a whack at it. They might be a lot more hive-minded here in Japan, but that doesn’t necessarily translate into even side burns.
Next: The Biker
An attempt to even out the sides didn’t help at all, but I sort of liked this one. I almost talked them into agreeing that this was sort of pirate-like.
Next: Disco Stache (aka Welcome Back Kotter)
I sort of like this one. Too bad, I would be reported to multiple police departments if I even strayed within a block of a playground.
Finally: The Nude
At last! No more beard, no more sweating in summer. Well I still need to do something about that mop of hair. I didn’t realize how silly it looked until it wasn’t being overshadowed by the dumb beard.
So I went to the local barber and managed to convey that the rat tail was off limits, but otherwise go nuts.
So I am now (at least on the surface) 100% respectable. My in-laws will acknowledge me in public and neighbors don’t cross the street when they see me. Of course, October is only a couple months away and it will be time to start growing the Winter Beard again.
They were right.
I still see some party going on in the back?
Still kickin’ it with a glorious ’80s rattail.
Can confirm – I’ve seen the rat tail on Zoom
I’ve seen it IRL. It’s glorious.
Rhy, I think he’s really Billy Ray Cyrus.
Jesus… *sick*
That is how I came to show up in Japan a week ago looking like this:
STEVE SMITH’s kid brother?
The full beard pic was more unibomber fresh from the cabin.
That’s the vibe I was getting.
*citation needed
Talk about misinformation.
The rat tail was awful even when it was in style, cut it off.
Yep.
Bite your tongues! I’m no corporate stooge, my rattail proves it.
The righteous mullet I used to rock was even sillier.
I prefer the mullet
You should do parking lock beer zooms like Straffinrun used to do.
I have been on two zooms since I’ve been here. I’m too classy to roam a parking lot, though. I go hang out at the sea wall(?). Keep an eye on the local fisherman.
Wow. There’s a lot of ugly in that post. :p
I thought about trying to photoshop my face out and just leave the facial hair. Then I thought, “if I have to look at that mug, why shouldn’t you punks also have to?”
I figured, I could drive off the last few Glib wimmen with this post.
I hope the barber used one those Japanese style cutthroats:
https://youtu.be/bYcFKNovSh0
Your next haircut
https://youtu.be/zTUhnkeXEFc
I went to the Japanese equivalent of Great Clips. I kept having to tell her to cut more of it off (ceptin’ the rattail).
I’d never sit through a haircut as long as that Japanese dude. I hate people touching me, so I want my barber to be fast. I’ll sacrifice precision for speed when getting a haircut. My hair always grows back, so even if they hack it up bad, who cares?
Just tell the lady you want a basic training haircut.
Once a Marine always a Marine
”’but leave the rat tail”
I was swinging with the wing! I wasn’t Infantry so no high and tight for me. A Marine reg is what I still like.
The problem is that if you go that short, the rattail looks extra stupid. I don’t care because I can’t see it, but the barbers always fight you on that. Since they can see it, they want to blend it into the rest of the hair and that isn’t as short as I’d like.
When the Altar Boys were smaller, we’d all just get buzz cuts from Mrs. Holiness. She didn’t even deign to use the fancy clipper attachments for the sides of your head. She’d pick one length and just go to town. We all ended up looking like q-tips.
Take it one step further next time you get a hair cut. Have them shave your head and leave the rat tail. You would blend right in with the Chinamen.
Keyboard player Danny Louis of Gov’t Mule used to have that look – bald with a small little rat tail at the base of his skull. I thought it looked pretty cool.
I ran into Danny before a show once when he had that look. In the dorkiest manner possible, I approached him as a fanboi and asked him if I could get a lock of hair for my scrapbook. He looked kind of shocked at first until he realized I was fucking with him. The whole band got a chuckle.
I have been doing that myself for *checks watch* about 20 years now.
And it goes for my beard too. Tho admittedly I do tend to run it across my beard more often than the rest of my head.
Pud:
Have them shave your head and leave the rat tail.
Can’t do that. I suffer from a mild case of CVG. The one time I tried shaving my head, I couldn’t get all the hair out of the wrinkles I have in my grape. So I ended up with what one of my buddies called “natural corn rows”. It looked like I had tiger stripes on my head.
So I am stuck having at least some fuzz on my head.
I’ve been using bare clippers since ‘99. Recently I’ve been shaving about twice or 3 times a year. Yesterday was one of those days. I get a straight razor shave at the barber. It’s fucking glorious treatment. One of the nicest things a man can do for himself is get a real deal straight razor shave. It’s fucking awesome.
I’m growing my beard out. I can’t imagine having to shave every day, so a beard it is. It is a very controlled growing-out, though. I’m keeping it trimmed, and letting it gradually get longer in the chinular area, going for a nice even line from the back to the front.
Spending time trimming and managing a beard defeats the purpose of having one. I grow a beard just to get out of shaving (it does also help with winter cold too).
Normally, when it starts getting a bit too long, I will trim it. This normally happens after a few beers, so the results are never that awesome. I’ve had to shave and start all over more than a few times because the trimming went badly.
I also think that anyone who has a perfectly groomed beard/stache every day is gay. (Not that there is anything wrong with that) Just observational at this point, but I believe if I were given a large enough govt grant I could quantify this and publish.
It’s definitely not saving me much, if any, time/effort. I’d just rather mess with the beard than shave. The trimming is on basically a weekly schedule (about as long as it takes for my mustache to need to be trimmed).
I’ve started going to a barber again. Current guy is fast, no visible ink, and absurdly cheap ($10 haircut these days???). Downside is he doesn’t quite get my haircut right and is by appointment only. Also, a Cubs fan.
At least he isn’t a yankees fan *spits*
lol
In my not so humble experience there is no relation whatsoever. There are more of us slobs out there than you realize – they just don’t make good television.
Perhaps his Cubs fandom is WHY he’s such great quality.
*tips nose*
I started going back to a shop about 6-7 years ago, after doing the at home buzz (hope you get it all) for decades. It is nice to BS with a bunch of dudes, the barber is my age, the shop is about 100 years old, it just feels right at this age.
Rhysy:
There are more of us slobs out there than you realize – they just don’t make good television.
I understand that there are a lot of gay guys who have the common sense to be a guy and be a low maintenance slob. I’m saying that all the dandy’s out there with beard oil and perfectly trimmed facial hair are gay. A few might protest that they are metrosexuals, but they’ll finally be honest with themselves and come out.
You keep telling yourself that.
I’d totally have believed you pushing around a shopping cart full of junk with the full beard.
😉
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqBjG2PnFTQ
My cold weather gear is all picked for utility over beauty. I also wear it a lot and it gets beatup (no pristine Tim Walz Carhart jackets for me). I have had people mistake me for a homeless bum on more than one occassion.
I worked in one office building that had a central elevator shaft. You’d get off the elevator and need an access card to get into the offices. One time I went directly from ice fishing to the office. My work clothes were in a backpack and as I got off the elevator, I saw a woman who also worked in my office (barely knew her) who saw me and rushed through the badged door like I was a serial killer. It was kind of funny when I badged myself through a few seconds later and saw her. She was still congratulating herself about escaping the filthy homeless guy when I came through and turned beet red.
I thought it was pretty funny and told her no offense was taken. In my boots, long winter coat and lucky fishing cap I definitely did not look like a downtown drone.
This is still funny.
I shaved mine off a while back. The neighbors asked where the old guy who used to ive in my house went. My wife called me Santa.
Yep. Naked is best.
It is amazing how much younger you look after shaving the beard. Even when mine hadn’t started turning grey, shaving made me look younger.
So true.
My regular hair is only slightly grey, especially if I keep it short. My beard is ridiculously grey so it had to go.
I use an electric every morning, takes a couple minutes. I am not comfortable after a few days of not shaving (a la fish camp). I have some Col Sanders pix around somewhere though.
I love every single bit of this. I didn’t know your age, and was thinkin’ a totally different look. THAT look … took balls. *Doffs cap* The Japanese response — I can’t even imagine. Visually, you were officially no longer just a 外人. Being just a random 외국인 was fun for me. That’s a fun social experiment, ya did. We are very different people. I adored my relative anonymity.
I can kinda grow a goatee and gave that a few months. It wasn’t a good look. Older Bro can’t grow a full one either, but mine is jet black. I do have random red strays, and yep, a white or two.
You and my wife are the same. She just wants to blend in when she visits the hinterlands where I grew up. She doesn’t want to stick out at all.
I always take the opposite view. If I blend in, I might miss out on something. I tend to throw myself into the whole “foreign experience” stuff. As you know, if you even try to speak a little of the local lingo they like you. So if you try you can always have fun.
My rules are:
1) Eat anything that you are offered. If it is bad, you throw it up after. Or even spit it out right then. You Honey Harvesters know how I like to flit like a butterfly around a party with the women. You should see me at some Korean soiree. The grandmas love making me try all the food. They all would clap and shout if I liked it. If I didn’t like it, they’d laugh and laugh.
2) Always talk to the locals. Even if you don’t know any of the lingo. Just talk and make guesses. A lot of the time, the locals know way more English than they let on. And even if they don’t understand, you can still have fun with pantomimes and nonsense. My aunt-in-law was the best at this. When she was still with us, we’d have long talks despite neither of us knowing what the other was saying. The rest of the family thought it was funny as hell.
3) Be willing to lose a bit of dignity to fit in. There are times that you just need to go along with the flow and if that means you get treated like an animal, suck it up. In Korea, (especially when my beard was still all red) I’d have random strangers reach out and touch it. It also means having to bow a lot (not from the waist, but the full on get on your knees and bow) to elderly relatives who outrank you. There are also times when being treated like a cow is fun. My niece once brought me to her elementary school’s show-n-tell day. I got to sit in front of the class and say “Hello how are you” to 30 some cute kids because they wanted to practice their english on me.
“Be willing to lose a bit of dignity to fit in.”
This is a key, IMO. Used to be a lot harder for me to do than it is now.
And, yeah, my beard is more salt than pepper. Fuckit, I say. I earned every one of those gray hairs.
I’m actually with you on all three rules, even in Korea. However, there I had a full-time job, usually a girl and bands, Life. On other adventures, I go well outside the Tourist Zones and dive pretty deep. I bite my tongue when people go places on a scheduled tour with guides and pre-booked everything.
Travelling isn’t about being ‘shown’ around. Discovery requires much more. Getting legit lost is one of the best ways to really get to know a place. Especially cities at night. The seediness ‘openly’ allowed is culturally revealing. See also: ‘Massage parlors.’ (I shoulda enjoyed ’em more. a) I honestly just wanted a massage and it was open. b) I’m aware more-or-less Anything Goes there for Koreans. I’d like to know the ‘etiquette,’ price and reality. I’d love for you to share if you know. The underbelly of society, and how it’s handled, is mighty revealing.
I’m fascinated. In Korea, husbands cheating on their wives is common and accepted. It’s ‘open,’ but kept ‘secret’ in Love Motels (of varying quality) or Massage Parlor prostitution. I’m quite curious. I got talked into a handy for $30, but I didn’t cum. Awkward. Shitty massage, too.
When Mrs. Holiness and I decided to get married, we (she) decided we should do it in Korea. So we headed back to her parent’s farm. One of the things that I was told was that it was very important for the prospective groom to do the full lay down on the ground bow the first time he meets his future father-in-law.
That really stuck in my craw. Americans don’t bow! Anyhow, I was subjected to a full court press by my wife and her sister about how important it was. They said that they had to work hard to even get their dad to agree to let Mrs. Holiness to marry me and if I decided to insult him now by not doing the bow, who knows what would happen? Maybe the whole wedding would be called off.
So, OK. I agreed to bow. It was important, so I’ll swallow my pride and do it.
The big day arrives and we get to the farm pretty late at night. Mrs. Holiness tells me, “I’ll give you the high sign when it is time for you to bow.”.
To this day, there is a family controversy about what happened next. JFK conspiracy nuts would look like sissies when you compared their advocacy for whatever theory they have compared to Mrs. Holiness and I’s argument about those crucial minutes when I first met her father.
Since you are all rational people, I won’t even burden you with Mrs. Holiness’ version of fantasy land. I’ll just tell you what really happened.
I go into the the farm house and am in what turned out to be the living room. It is pretty dark and there are all sorts of people there. Mrs. Holiness then gave me the sign and I swallow my pride, drop to my knees and prostate myself. The next thing I know, the entire room is roaring with laughter.
Turns out, only a barbarian big nose would think that was the proper room to bow in. None of the people in the room were in fact my father-in-law. He was waiting in a different – and proper one for bowing – room. So everyone picked me up and took me to the right room and I bowed again.
Even 30+ years later, Mrs. Holiness will insist that she never gave me the sign.
As you guessed, my ineptness at bowing did not put an end to our nuptials and I ended up liking my father-in-law quite a bit. We couldn’t communicate much at all, but we both liked drinking so we made it work.
Evan:
Since I’ve been married, I haven’t gotten much of a chance to dive into that part of Korea. When I was there in Team Spirit ’88 with the Marines, there might have been some fraternization with local young ladies. Definitely very out in the open back then.
I’ve always bit my tongue about the way Koreans and Japanese guys will step out on their wives and no one is outraged. I don’t think that Mrs. Holiness would take kindly to that sort of thing if I were try to fit in culturally. I’m pretty sure that my Japanese brother-in-law kept a mistress, but again I wasn’t about to bring that up with Mrs. Holiness.
No.
I don’t have much, I’m not giving that away for the sake of strangers.
I agree, it’s culturally creepy how open — even expected? — for dudes to fuck on the side. Women, obviously cannot get away with such. Marriages are for kids. True Love Marriages are seemingly rare, though that’s rapidly changing, methinks/knows.
Open, known, and not discussed. Weird. It’s also disturbing that the (biological) Old School, ‘harems on the side for wealthy dudes, and no side play at all for women’ social dynamic makes… sadly, biological sense for a species. For large groups of humans? Danger, cometh. See also: Many millions of young and forever-single men in China, with generational gaps in the # of available females. Interesting times, forthwith.
I could never communicate with my wife’s parents either. She’s from Brazil of a Brazilian mother and Greek father. Dad spoke Greek and Portuguese in the house, and he could speak Spanish (we’re from Miami). Mom spoke Portuguese and a very Portuguese-type of Spanish.
I don’t speak Portuguese, Greek, or Spanish. They spoke precious little English, and by the time my wife and I married they stopped even trying and just spoke their native tongue to me. I never had to have a real conversation with any of them. Being that my wife wasn’t all that enamored by the conversations, I’m pretty sure this was a major perk for me. Never having to talk with your in-laws? Sign me the fuck up.
Yep. Gotta ask about the rattail. My guesses: Either a lost bet, or an emotional attachment from years past.
Why would anyone attach a handle to the back of their skull? That seems detrimental in every conceivable setting. *ponders furiously*
Attachment to my glory years back in the ’80s. I had a girlfriend talk me into being one of the first guys in my neck of the woods to get one. If that wasn’t bad enough, she liked to put a Care Bears elastic thingie on the rattail.
I got a lot of guff and even had to get in one dustup to prove that I wasn’t some Big City sissy because of that. (You may be asking why I let my girlfriend do that to me, but I think you all know how girls can talk 17 year old boys into things)
When I was cutting off my mullet, I decided to keep the rattail as a goof and it sort of stuck. It annoys all the right people.
Maybe we can convince him to grow stylish chin whiskers like Kerry King or Scott Ian. I’m sure Mrs. Holiness would appreciate the stylish look.
Good reminder of why I don’t have a beard. If I started now, I could be a mall Santa in couple of months.
https://alphanews.org/chaos-and-violence-mar-final-night-of-minnesota-state-fair/
Haha! The only way I could post this was the url. Apparently WP doesn’t like my commentary.
(Yay diversity)
Weird. I was going to comment and it ate my comments too.
State Fair envy? Since everyone knows the Great Minnesoda Get Together is the best in the world.
Just like the West Indian Day parade in Brooklyn, except that happens every year so no big deal.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-gZuFcEu0E
Paul Harrell says goodbye.
posted 1 hour ago
That sucks.
Oh no! Rip Paul.
Well damn. That really sucks. RIP, Paul
So no more meat targets then? RIP to the guy, he made some solid vids.
Insurrection!
I don’t know why my phone keeps screwing up links.
http://www.dispatch.ug/2024/09/02/nude-gen-z-protesters-storm-ugandas-parliament-demand-speaker-amongs-resignation/
Ugh I hope they’re not giving our college kids any ideas.
Uh-oh, Idi Amin is gonna be PISSED!
Happy national macadamia nut day!
I know you all have been looking to it.
😉☕👀
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1uYWYWPc9HU
🎶🎶
Heinous. Good morning anyway.
😆
Good morning, Sean, rhy, Ted’S., Stinky, hayek, and EfE!
https://nypost.com/2024/09/04/us-news/alabama-husband-william-bryan-dies-on-florida-hospital-operating-table-after-dr-thomas-shaknovsky-removes-liver/
Oopsie.
😵
Well that’s a pretty big screw up.
LOL. This was breathtakingly priceless to me.
My first meeting of Glibs in real life was at a Maple Grove, Minnesota restaurant. Pope Jimbo, Tundra, and MikeS (who happened to be traveling for work from SoDak-orNoDak?—whatever).
I think it was the first time I’d met up with “strangers from the internet”. My then-husband came along because he didn’t dig the idea of my going to meet the Glibs, so he cramped my style a bit, but we managed to have a good time.
His Holiness made a great and friendly welcome to the group!
Happy to have met several Glibs IRL since then.
Take care, everyone!
It really is amazing to me when I look back and realize how long we’ve all “known” each other on this crazy community. How much we’ve helped each other with practical advice, shoulders to cry on, fundraisers, encouragement of all kinds.
I know I’ll still never meet most of you in person but you’ve all enriched my life. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way.
When the world and especially the country you love are going down the toilet, it’s encouraging to know you’re not the only one seeing it, and by cracky, maybe we can actually do something to hold the line.
God bless all you Glibs.
/notafed
*hugs HE*
Nope 🙂
Remarkably well-said. Not much I can add.
Y’all have been ’round, preserving sanity and far more thru The Incident gofundme ya set up FOR me to help out. Meant and means the most. An oasis of solace for me and many/most of us. Godspeed.
HE, you said the words most of us have felt for a long time. Were it not for TPTB, most of us would still be wandering in the dark, wondering if we were alone.
I have to give MikeS props for that. He shamed Tundra and I (who lived 5 minutes from each other) to finally meet IRL. The only problem with meeting Glibs in real life is that so many of you are so smart it makes me feel bad. Luckily I’m still the best looking Glib, so I have that going for me.
Not getting killed by you guys gave me the confidence to go to my first Honey Harvest. That is one of the biggest regrets I have about this Japanese adventure, that I will miss you guys this fall.
I love having this place to let my freak flag fly. You guys are all great.
WTF
Maybe think of a transfer, dude.
Transfer, sure, but to be fair you just try wearing a Rolex in certain areas of Atlanta or god forbid New Orleans.
Yeah. I question the wisdom of those fucking things.
When I am out and about I try to make myself not a target.
Well lads and gals, about time to skidaddle. Today is 730-630, followed by Thurs off then Fri-Sun. Seems like my schedule is ‘finalizing.’ Pretty much, one fairly Insane week, five 11-hour shifts (10 after unpaid lunch), then a three-day week with Sat/Sun off. So eight ’10’-hour shifts every two weeks. One more chill than the other.
Ain’t bad, though I don’t like setting alarms before 5am, let alone any a.m. at all. Thankfully, no 7 or 6:30 shifts this week. Several start at 10! Big Things apace, especially as I should get my (to me) mind-blowing first paycheck this Fri. I will be full of mirth, and today I christen my Malibu the Mirth-Mobile. Normal drumming behaviors will remain unchanged.
Will be interesting if Brazil cracks down on NFL fans/media for using X at the game in Brazil.