The Hat and The Hair: Episode 202

by | Sep 4, 2024 | Hat and Hair | 118 comments

“I’m tired of laying low,” the hat said. “We should be out there mixing it up, getting in street fights, insulting our enemies, blood and fire in the streets!”

“It’s a different election this time around,” the hair said. “Lying low is the best bet here. Kamala’s ruining herself better than we can.”

“They tried to have me killed,” Donald rumbled. “They’ve called me senile, addled, a Joe Biden. They will all pay when I’m in office.”

“Donald,” the hair said, “You shouldn’t even say those things out-loud.”

“They are listening all the time,” the hat said. “You can’t trust anyone that’s not family, close family.”

“We’re in a war,” Donald said. “Total war.”

“Father?” Barron said from his enormous bed, “Is that you father?”

“Go back to sleep, son. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Do you need me? Are you in danger?”

“No, son,” Donald whispered. “I keep you safe. You are my future. You are my heir. You will avenge me if the worst happens.”

Donald stood up, cupped his son’s huge head, and shuffled out of the room.

“We should make him a hat, Donald,” the hat said. “A wise counselor, a loyal friend.”

The hair snorted, a tangle knot of hair flying out and falling to the floor. “Why don’t we make him a toupee while we are at it?”

“H doesn’t need you,” the hat spat. “He needs to be strong; you don’t get strong having a nattering nabob of negativity on your head.”

“Have you ever noticed your best turns of phrase are always stolen?” the hair asked.

“Fuck you,” the hat.

“Eloquent,” that hair said witheringly.

“That’s why I run the Twix account and you don’t.”

“Oh, you mean the account that is just REVERSE E. E. CUMMINGS?”

“Real men use all-caps. Lowercase is for the weak.”

“We must not let them win,” Donald said. “Them, they, the other, the dark other. Fire is the only solution.”

“Burn them, Donald,” the hat urged.

“Yes, rule over ashes,” the hair said dryly.

“Yes, rule,” the hat.

“I can’t even think with you two bickering,” Donald said, digging his hands into the hat and the hair, moving his headbones around as he pressed and pressed.

“Burn,” the hat gasped.

“I wonder if Reznor will let us use this for campaign events,” the hat asked.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

118 Comments

  1. Aloysious

    Angel was playing when I read the part with the Donald and Barron.

    Coincidence? Yes, of course, but it fit. In my head, at least.

  2. Not Adahn

    No feature illo on the main page. I do like the dancing bear from the AM links tho.

  3. The Late P Brooks

    “You shouldn’t even say those things out-loud.”

    Why not? He’ll be accused of worse.

  4. Sean

    Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

    I didn’t vote for you.

  5. ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

    “Real men use all-caps. Lowercase is for the weak.”

    Space awesome.

    • Nephilium

      caps lock is not cruise control for cool.

    • Not Adahn

      League of Ordinary Gentleman refugee?

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        Yes, but you knew that already.

      • Not Adahn

        I had forgotten.

    • Bobarian LMD

      STEVE AM ONBOARD.

      AND BY ONBOARD, MEAN “WELCOME TO STEVE TRAIN”

  6. Drake

    I look forward to giant Barron leading the vengeance crusade.

    • rhywun

      I’m picturing him putting on a ton of weight and flying around in suspensors.

      • Drake

        I was thinking more like a 8-foot tall conservative demi-god lopping off heads.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Beast Barron and his sister Feyd-Ivana.

        The Donald already uses the suspensors for his golf outings.

  7. Not Adahn

    From the ded thred:

    EvilSheldon, could you be more specific on what was wrong with Paul Harrell?

    Personally, I remember mainly his ammo reviews, and didn’t see anything wrong with those. He preached skepticism towards online expoerts, which was a good thing. He was legendarily chill, which is also a good thing. I honestly don’t recall any of his tactical/self-defense advice other than “don’t shoot the gun empty” and “practice reloading until you can do it without looking so you can keep your eyes on the target.”

    Even if he was preaching deprecated doctrine, I’m not seeing how he was a net-negative to the gun community.

    • Drake

      I will say that my selection of #4 buckshot for home defense was based on his videos.

      • kinnath

        +1 meat target

    • Gustave Lytton

      Was in one (maybe two?) self defense shootings, as well.

    • EvilSheldon

      Paul Harrell had a tendency to misunderstand new concepts, due to poor foundational skills and no actual training or competition experience, and then shit on those concepts when he couldn’t make them work. A very good example is his video on short-stocking a shotgun – he didn’t understand the concept, couldn’t make it work, and then decided that it was useless, all based on his demonstrated lack of expertise.

      In short, he held himself out as being a technical expert but was really a dirt-shooter who never got called on it.

      • EvilSheldon

        Also, both ‘don’t shoot the gun empty’ and ‘reload without looking at the gun’ are both objectively bad and irrelevant advice for private citizens.

        #4 buckshot for home defense is another questionable call.

  8. Not Adahn

    Speaking of the gun community,

    The org I shoot in has been internet drama-plagued for a few years now. I re-upped my certs and during that process I saw an announcement on the website titled “member suspension.” I groaned, but clicked anyway. The announcement was that a guy had been yoinked from his (minor) volunteer administrative position and his membership suspended. I figured it was more instagram/podcast nonsense, but it turns out that the guy was a grand master, a 20 year special forces veteran, and having sex with one of his students who was between the ages of 12-16.

    So good for USPSA. Beter than any public school would have done.

    “Due to circumstances surrounding the investigation, the egregiousness of these charges, and Souder’s background in Special Forces and firearms training, the U.S. Marshal’s Task Force assisted in his apprehension,” the sheriff’s office said.

    Authorities arrested Souder Saturday as he got off a flight at Pensacola International Airport. He was booked into Escambia County Jail, where he’s awaiting extradition to Walton County Jail.

    Huh, a legitimately dangerous suspect and the police decide against a no-knock raid on his residence? Fancy that.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Yeah, picking him off a flight where he’s most likely not to be armed.

    • EvilSheldon

      Police actually behaving with intelligence and discretion? I’m legitimately impressed.

      • Not Adahn

        Well, if they wanted go home safely, it behooved them to be smart in this case.

  9. Not Adahn
    • Sean

      <3 Robyn Adele Anderson

  10. Sensei

    OT – school shooting in GA. Too early for many details.

  11. Suthenboy

    I used to say that the ravenous power seekers on the left would rather be the kings of ashes than let go of the smallest amount of power.
    Now I think that is their goal.

    • Sean

      Homer Simpson vibes.

    • MikeS

      Wow. What a colossal asshole.

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        Yeah, the douche should have pulled forward, let the guy into his driveway.

    • Gustave Lytton

      And redditors always complaining about trucks being pavement princesses. I hope they’re happy now.

      • Tundra

        The tire spin on the grass was nice.

    • DrOtto

      Not related to this video, but probably the most dickish thing I ever did was slaloming through a pair of those “please drive slowly, kids playing” turtles that some other asshole set out in the middle of the street so their kids could play in the front yard. The guy got up and started chasing my car down the street.

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        And THAT is how you spell winning!

  12. Spudalicious

    ““H doesn’t need you,” the hat spat. “He needs to be strong; you don’t get strong having a nattering nabob of negativity on your head.”

    “Have you ever noticed your best turns of phrase are always stolen?” the hair asked.”

    Brilliant.

    • Not Adahn

      Oh, if you’re coming back to Butlerville soon, there are three KF&G matches left in the season — one on 9/21 and two in October.

    • R.J.

      Truly magnificent. I look forward to at least a few months of this before we all get sent to the democratic reform camps.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Reform?

        That assumes there is a way out of camp that doesn’t involve a hole in the ground.

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        “If you keep digging, that hole goes to China!”

        /hat

      • R.J.

        BY REFORM MEAN…

        Re-form you into a human skeleton that dies in a democratic ditch after digging trenches for a year.

    • rhywun

      His classmates are so lucky. 🙄

      • kinnath

        Couldn’t be any worse that the classmates of the Bush girls and Obama girls.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      I imagine that post-secondary education for the kids of billionaires is essentially finishing school (aka what liberal arts degrees were for aristocratic kids in centuries past). Still, NYU seems like an odd choice.

      • rhywun

        Really? I wasn’t surprised much.

        I am just glad it’s not Cornell.

    • R C Dean

      NYU? Really?

      Why?

      • slumbrew

        So he can still live at home?

      • R C Dean

        I’ve never understood college students who want to live at home. For me and my friends, on the very short list of reasons to go to college was, not living with our parents any more.

      • kinnath

        Proximity to Rikers?

      • Sensei

        It has one of the top business programs outside the Ivies.

        Seems a perfectly reasonable choice if he wanted to be in NYC.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    Have some overwrought handwringing

    For decades, there have been attempts to help America inch closer to equity in housing and undo some of the racist policies of the past. The Biden administration made several important steps toward improving housing equity. Now, Project 2025 wants to undo all of that progress.

    Among other proposals, it recommends that the next conservative president, “Immediately end the Biden Administration’s Property Appraisal and Valuation Equity (PAVE) policies” and “Repeal the Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing (AFFH) regulation reinstituted under the Biden Administration.”

    These policies were designed by the Biden Administration specifically to chip away at the decades of housing inequality still affecting communities today by preventing racial bias in home appraisal, actively undoing segregation and allowing lenders to address the effects of our history of housing discrimination.

    Vague generalizations abound.

    • slumbrew

      housing equity

      Soviet tower blocks for all!

      • rhywun

        Yeah, love how they snuck that innocent word in there. Assholes.

      • Suthenboy

        They are called Krushchevkas. In our culture we should refer to the units as ‘pods’ or ‘cells’ and the whole as ‘hives’.

        There is a very serious effort to drive us away from home ownership.

    • The Other Kevin

      Their plan is still to repeat lies over and over until people believe them. This is really tiresome.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        It works… until it doesn’t.

        Lampposts start becoming much more festive when the lies stop working.

      • Nephilium

        You left out complaining about fake news and misinformation/disinformation at the same time they’re telling the lies.

      • Suthenboy

        Just heard the bitch at a rally on the TV. She said Trump is going to give us a national sales tax on top of what we already pay, take away Obamacare and institute project 2025, all of which is patently not true. Just made up out of thin air.

    • rhywun

      Valuation Equity

      WTF does that even mean?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Located in a shitty neighborhood shouldn’t affect valuation.

      • slumbrew

        That 2 bedroom condo on the corner of Malcom X & MLK boulevards ought to have the same valuation as that 2 bed condo in the Ritz-Carlton Residences, bigot.

      • R C Dean

        Pretty sure it means every house is given the same valuation.

        You gotta wonder, though, what people are going to think when “valuation equity” bites them in the ass when they get their property tax bill.

      • Gustave Lytton

        First time crack house buyers tax credit will take care of that.

      • rhywun

        People really ought to be waking up to this evil shit before it happens, but they won’t will they.

      • Nephilium

        rhywun:

        Don’t you remember the people talking about how they thought Obamacare was going to be free, and were wondering why they had to PAY for it?

      • Suthenboy

        Black pajamas for all?

  14. Ownbestenemy

    We take a plane, they take a sailor. Lemme guess, Puddin Pop is going to tell Maduro “Don’t” any minute now.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I love how the media is merely identifying him as a “sailor”. $5 says it’ll turn out that he isn’t junior enlisted.

      Another official said the service member was not on official travel or approved leave when he traveled to the country

      Yet he isn’t AWOL either… his command (also unnamed) is awfully generous…

    • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

      Well, it isn’t like the admin did anything when Hamas kidnapped and murdered US citizens.

      Surprised Maduro thought Biden worried about anyone from America.

    • Suthenboy

      He travelled TO Venezuela? Fuck him.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    On page 512, the mandate also recommends, “maximal flexibility to direct the [Public Housing Agency] land sales that involve the existing stock of public housing units. Congress must consider the future of the public housing model…where land can be sold by PHAs and put to greater economic use.” In other words, it recommends that Congress allow land currently used for public housing to be sold to private developers for the right price.

    They’re going to convert all the public housing to pollution factories and tire dumps.

    • Bobarian LMD

      They’re going to convert all the public housing to pollution factories and tire dumps.

      And property values would go up.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    Dey tuk ar faktrees

    Vice President Kamala Harris used a joint campaign appearance with President Joe Biden in the critical swing state of Pennsylvania on Monday to say that U.S. Steel should remain domestically owned — concurring with the White House’s monthslong opposition to the company’s planned sale to Japan’s Nippon Steel.

    Her comments came during a rally before cheering union members marking Labor Day in the industrial city of Pittsburgh, where Harris said U.S. Steel was “an historic American company and it is vital for our country to maintain strong American steel companies.”

    “U.S. Steel should remain American-owned and American-operated, and I will always have the backs of America’s steelworkers,” she said.

    The Nips are going to move all those steel mills to Japan and put our hard working union workers on the bread line.

  17. Not Adahn

    Blame Canada the US:

    TORONTO—Towing cars has become a deadly business in Canada’s largest city.

    Rival gangs control parts of the tow-truck industry here, using the heavy-duty vehicles to transport drugs, extort car-crash victims with high fees, and fake automobile accidents to defraud insurance. They once resolved their territorial differences with their fists, but now a wave of gun smuggling from the U.S. has turned their fights into a lethal blood sport.

    • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

      Because no one in Canada ever owned a gun before.

    • Sean

      Do they not have cops in Canada?

    • Bobarian LMD

      AKA The Indiana Effect.

      Wartorn Indiana is taking a break from keeping Chicago from turning into a utopia and has turned it’s ugly smuggling operations into a cross lake excursion.

  18. Brochettaward

    Seconders are a threat to democracy.

    • Aloysious

      Speaking of Greek, seconders need a little philos as well as eros.

    • MikeS

      The penis mightier than the sword.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    That echoes Biden, who repeated Monday what he’s said since March — that he opposes U.S. Steel’s would-be sale to Nippon, believing it would hurt the country’s steelworkers. It also overlaps with Republican former President Donald Trump. It’s little surprise that Harris would agree with Biden on the issue, but it nonetheless constitutes a major policy position for the vice president, who has offered relatively few of them since Biden abandoned his reelection bid and endorsed his vice president in July.

    I love how that story has evolved. Biden was not dragged off the stage with a big hook and replaced by the understudy. It was totally his idea from the get-go. You know, for the good of democracy.

  20. Not Adahn

    The Paralympics were on in the cafeteria and they were showing wheelchair basketball.

    Are the tires optimized for performance, or are they required to be non-marking on the court surface?

  21. kinnath

    https://nypost.com/2024/09/04/us-news/most-agents-guarding-trump-during-assassination-attempt-at-were-homeland-security-personnel-who-took-two-hour-online-webinar-sen-hawley/

    Sen. Josh Hawley said he’s been informed by whistleblowers that most of the agents assigned to protect Donald Trump during the assassination attempt at his Butler, Pa., rally in July were Homeland Security personnel who had minimal protective training.

    Instead of having dozens of Secret Service agents on his detail for the July 13 rally, Trump was mostly guarded by Homeland Security agents who only received online webinar training before the event, Hawley (R-Mo.) said in an interview on “Jesse Watters Primetime” Tuesday evening.

    Clowns to the left of me; jokers to the right.

    • Sean

      Just get a louder stereo.

      • Sensei

        Assuming it’s integrated that just means the beep is going to be louder too.

      • R.J.

        Another reason to never buy a new car. I suppose you could hook to the car’s computer and shut it off if worse came to worse, it will just be some software.

      • kinnath

        shut it off

        that will be a crime

      • Tundra

        Another reason to never buy a new car.

        That train has sailed for me. Until it becomes illegal to manufacture parts for older cars.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Accompanied by a transponder alerting the DMV and your insurance company.

    • kinnath

      Politician: I want you to limit how fast cars can go. Prevent them from speeding.

      Engineer: That will never work. The technology to determine location and speed limit at that location will take decades to mature

      Politician: Just put a warning it then.

      Engineer: The system will generate tons of nuisance alerts. We’ll spend years debugging the system and trying to get it reliable.

      Politician: And then you can put in a speed limiter right?

      Engineer: @$O)()(*#$)(Q)(*$

      • Sensei

        Tesla Management: Works 80% or better? Close enough! Ship it and we can “improve” it OTA at some time TBD.

      • kinnath

        The techs just loaded new software into the ECM and TCM on my Titan to make the transmission work properly. Apparently the service bulletin has been out for some time.

        Optional software, not warranty. So I get to pay for it.

    • Suthenboy

      Five minutes later there will be instructional videos online showing everyone how to disable them.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    California Passes Bill To Mandate Speed Warning Chime in New Cars by 2030

    It’s a wonder they can sell any new cars at all.

    • Suthenboy

      Give ’em time.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    How does the car know you’re speeding? GPS tracking tells it what the posted speed limit is. Big Brother knows if you’ve been bad or good.

    • Sean

      Mine uses it’s cameras to read signs.

      • kinnath

        Does it understand “End Speed Zone”?

      • Sensei

        Yeah, that’s common. Use both GPS and the camera and the “black box” determines which one is correct.

      • Sensei

        kinnath – see my comment above. It will work about 80% of the time. Which is absolutely inadequate to rely upon so much so as to be useless.

    • Not Adahn

      Also: a toque is not a beanie and everyone needs to stop calling them that. Watch cap or stocking cap are also acceptable.

    • Sean

      Are we living in the Matrix?

      What is going on here?

    • Suthenboy

      I dont quite follow. Is it common for federal indictments to use cryptic language like that, to not explicitly name who is being indicted?

      • Suthenboy

        Also, do we indict people for saying stuff?

    • R C Dean

      “RT employees “covertly fund[ed] and direct[ed]” a US company with $10m in order to push pro-Russia content.”

      And the crime is . . . .” Please include statutory citations.