Welcome back to another episode of Woke Charmed Tudors, a.k.a. My Lady Pain! The synopsis for this episode reads, “What’s worse: when you have the raging horn for an unmitigated scoundrel? Or when he has a deep dark secret that could get you both killed?” Where’s option three, “When you’ve committed to writing recaps for a show that makes you want to die before you’ve even pressed play?”
There’s a silver lining to this, though: After reading my recap of episode 1, and after much whining and begging on my part, my sister (a.k.a. Mythelina) agreed to watch along with me! Of course, now she hates me since I’ve hooked her on this trash TV the way I hooked her on the og Woke Charmed. But I’ve got a viewing buddy, and that’s all that matters.
As you may recall, last episode ended with Jane trying to get out of her marriage to Ratty Healey, I mean, Guildford Dudley, by pretending to be dying of tuberculosis at the wedding. Ratty was wise to the bitch’s antics—as was her mother, naturally. But her facade fooled the other wedding guests, so we begin this episode with Jane being examined by the royal physician, Dr. Butts. The retention of some of the book’s middle school humor alongside the constant dropping of F-bombs and smut scenes is quite a combination.
Dr. Butts, being a medieval doctor in a television series made by the historically illiterate, naturally thinks the only solution to any medical problem is to bleed the patient. He straps Jane down to a gurney and informs her (after first complaining that wamen talk too much, of course) that he is going to withdraw copious amounts of her blood and craft it into delicious berödi for her to consume for breakfast on her honeymoon. Jane hurriedly interrupts and informs him… she’s cured! It’s a miracle. No bloodletting required!
Foiled ONCE AGAIN (I believe that was the fourth attempt in 45 minutes, if we recall that this was a holdover from last episode), Jane is left with no choice but to marry her rodent, who’s just been sitting in the church twiddling his thumbs. It’s at this moment, as the camera pans to him
that Mythelina turns to me and goes, “He looks like a life-size Peter Dinklage.”
My life will never be the same.
What next ensues is possibly the most frustrating twenty minutes in television history, a pattern that is to be repeated through at least the next two episodes (as far as Mythelina and I watched ahead) and possibly the rest of the series: Jane has, as the narrator keeps reminding us, the RAGING HORN for Ratty, I mean, Peter, I mean, Guildford. But she also is a yass kween feminist who don’t need no man. So just OVER and OVER we get them slow-mo approaching each other with lust-filled stares and slight drool on the corners of their mouths, and then she’ll be like, “NOOOO, get away from me!”
It happens during the wedding.
It happens during the wedding feast.
It happens during the bedding ceremony.*
It happens during the “bedding ceremony is over, now actually consummate for real.”
And it will continue to happen, over and over.
* Yes, someone in the historical illiteracy department heard this was a thing that was done, so OF COURSE we had to see it. It was, naturally, completely historically inaccurate, as even a cursory perusal of Wikipedia would have told them. But even a cursory perusal of Wikipedia is WAY too much effort for these writers!
During the wedding festivities, Ratty’s poncey brother Stan (I like how the IRL Guildford Dudley had like 12 siblings and none of them were named Stan, so of course that’s the name they go for) falls madly in love with Jane’s mother, Lady Frances, and manages to convince her to nip off for a MILF tryst in a back room. Lady Frances notices that there’s water damage on the ceiling of the room they’ve knocked boots in and asks him what’s up with that. Stan lets it slip that, like Lady Frances herself, the Dudleys are also dead broke. Lady Frances is Not Amused, since she just married her eldest daughter to them for the money. Put a pin in that, it will be important later.
Also during the wedding festivities, Jane’s middle sister (uh… Margaret? Katherine? I can’t remember which one’s the teenager and which one’s the sadist) locks eyes with this nobleman.
Me: Where did he come from?
Mythelina: Yeah, wtf? They don’t allow Asians on television. Everyone knows there are only two races in Hollywood, white and black.
Put a pin in that because I don’t know whether it will be important later. He has not appeared or been mentioned one time since this, as far as Mythelina and I have watched. Perhaps he was just there to pad an extra thirty seconds onto the episode.
After wasting entirely too much of our time on the wedding frivolities, the bedding ceremony (because the patriarchy), people telling Jane over and over that she is now her husband’s property and is not a human (because the patriarchy), people telling Jane she’s not allowed to wear her hair down anymore (because the patriarchy), people reminding Jane that the wedding oath says “obey” dammit (because the patriarchy), and Jane and Ratty will-they-or-won’t-they-ing until she winds up locking herself in the closet overnight by mistake, this show finally remembers it’s supposed to have a plot.
Jane storms out to the stable at dawn, intent on giving Ratty a stern lecture about what’s appropriate conduct with a waman (letting her have whatever she wants at all times) and what is not appropriate conduct with a waman (ever not letting her have what she wants at any time). He’s… showering? with a bucket? in the stable for some, I’m sure, perfectly valid and sensible reason that’s not “to give the viewers a long and lingering view of his butt.”
AHEM! IMPORTANT! PLOT! RELATED! REASONS!
Jane prepares to give Ratty a total chewing out about how she is NOT his property (because fuck the patriarchy) and she will NOT obey (because fuck the patriarchy) and she is an INDEPENDENT WAMAN and she intends to END THIS MARRIAGE (because fuck the patriarchy), but she is interrupted by the sun rising and
So there is a plot to this show! I’d totally forgotten.
Lord Dudley appears just then to explain to Jane that, yes, her new husband is a horse. He’s an Ethian, but unlike the other Ethians we’ve met up to this point, Ratty is unable to control his transformation. From sunrise to sunset, he is a stallion. [nickering seductively]
Jane is like oh hell no, to which Lord Dudley replies that she doesn’t get to oh hell no, because the law is that if any Verity enters a marriage with an Ethian, they will be executed, as will their family, and also the Ethian’s family, and also probably anyone who’s ever come into contact with the Ethian—if there’s even the slightest chance they’ve ever gotten cooties from the Ethian, burn the whole lot of them down and salt the earth. Jane has no choice but to remain married to Ratty and keep the secret.
Jane, who has proven herself to level-headed and even-tempered, of course accepts this news with grace and sobermindedness.
While Jane has her requisite tantrum over this revelation, we cut to Edward, the black gay king of England, who, as you’ll recall, is being unsubtly poisoned by his sister Mary. However, despite the fact that she’s been cackling and twiddling her Snidely Whiplash mustache whenever she’s in his presence, Edward—sweet, naive Edward—has not yet figured out who his would-be assassin is.
His Ethian dog, Petunia, tells him not to worry, because she can sniff out the poison, which smells like poo-poo.
Ummmmmmmm
So they decide to sneak out of the castle and investigate the marketplace, where Petunia will use her poop-sniffing skills to find the person who sold the assassin the poison. Edward disguises himself as a pauper and sneaks out to enjoy the commoner’s lifestyle for one sacred day.
Mythelina: How do you expect to get away with this? You’re the only black guy in the kingdom, everyone’s going to immediately recognize you!
Despite Mythelina’s doubts, Edward blends right in.
No one will ever suspect him!
Petunia quickly sniffs out the excrement behind the flower peasant’s stall and, with some fancy daggerwork, manages to persuade the herbologist to confess to her crimes. The woman admits that she sold aqua tofana to some dude wearing a ring with a creepy eye on it. Tofana, as they expositionally inform us, can cause symptoms similar to tuberculosis. Hmmm… I’ll allow it. So that’s possibly one thing they got in the right ballpark of.
Anyway, a RING with an EYE, you say?? Who could be the owner of such a
Oh, that’s right, it’s Lord Seymour’s ring that Mary was rubbing her janky tongue all over earlier in the episode, how could I ever have forgotten?
Anyway, once she’s given them the information, the flower merchant tells them to go away and leave her in peace. She follows this up with
a mysterious gesture the likes of which Edward has never seen! How terribly droll.
He cheerfully begins flashing the double deuce at every peasant he passes as he and Petunia continue their stroll through the marketplace. Petunia tells him to knock it off. “What does it mean, Petunia?” naive Edward asks. Petunia tells him it means bugger off. Edward is now even more delighted.
I’m sorry, guys, I love him. I love the black gay king of England. I’m sorry, I’m sorry that it’s come to this, but he’s just so earnest!
Once back at the palace, Edward sends a message to Jane to meet him so he can tell her about the fact that he’s being poisoned. Of course, he never actually manages to get the words out because as soon as she comes in the door she won’t shut the fuck up about how oppressed she is by this marriage and how pissed off she is at him for allowing it. He gives her the same speech he’s already given her, like, three times about how sometimes we have to do stuff we don’t like because of responsibility, and he reminds her once again that he didn’t choose to be king but he does it anyway because it’s his duty, but fuck that, he will never know true oppression because he is not a waman. And then she storms off before he can tell her that he’s being poisoned.
She is the heroine, you know? She’s the one we’re supposed to be rooting for. And yet I am finding that, like every piece of feminist media released over the last 5-10 years, every male character is just so incredibly likable and every female character is an absolute insufferable bitch. Like, I love Edward. I also—and I don’t know if it will come up in these recaps, I’m not trying to drag it out too much, but I want you all to know—I love iconic poncey brother Stan, I love Lord Dudley, I even like the rodent, but I hate every one of these bitches, holy shit.
Anyway, since she flounces out before he can enlist her aid, Edward decides to go scorched earth on the royal court to try to smoke the villain out. He calls them all in, informs them that he is aware that he is being poisoned, that he knows it’s one of them, and that he expects the would-be assassin’s accomplices, whoever they may be, to turn the assassin in immediately or he will execute the entire court. Then he whips out the double deuces for good measure.
Lord Dudley, alarmed by this news and concerned that whoever the assassin is may try to tamper with Edward’s will of succession (which put Jane next in line instead of Mary), enlists Stan to sneak into the chancery and smuggle it out for safekeeping. However, when Stan gets there, he finds that the will is already missing. Alarmed and disturbed by all the danger and intrigue going on at the palace, Stan runs to get advice from the person he trusts and cares most about in the world… Lady Frances.
Stan, Stan, Stan. You poor boy. You poor child.
He tells Lady Frances that the will of succession has been stolen from the chancery. He asks, what could it mean? She says it means we’re all fucked.
Did she know Edward made Jane next in line for the throne? If she did, that kind of makes her behavior in the next episode make more sense… but I’m getting ahead of myself. We’ll deal with that next time. In the meantime, enjoy Stan eating a croissant and proposing to his dad that they get squiffy and talk about girls.
Meanwhile, Jane, having flounced from the palace, has now been sent off on her honeymoon with her lord and master, the horse. She stops the carriage saying she needs to take a leak, and I thought for sure she was going to try to run away again, but I guess she really did just need to pee because she comes back. Then she offers to let the servants go have a slash, and I again thought for sure that it was because she was planning on stealing the carriage and running away, but if that was her intention it never goes anywhere because some goat-man runs up just then and pulls a “stand and deliver.”
He wants the contents of the trunk on the back of the carriage, which he and Jane both assume are going to be expensive wedding presents, but Ratty’s the one who packed for this trip and instead of finery and knickknacks, it is just crammed full of books. So she starts hurling the books at the goat-man until he gives up, turns back into a goat, and hoofs it away. Then she turns and gives her horse, er, husband, the hairiest of eyeballs. Because books, now you’re speaking Hermione Granger’s language.
Me: Is this suddenly going to turn into the library scene from Beauty and the Beast?
Mythelina: She’s into that Beast thicc, got her feeling that furry kind of way.
Back at the palace, Edward and Petunia (in dog form) are joined by Mary, Elizabeth, and Lords Seymour and Dudley. Seymour announces that they’ve found the assassin. It’s… Lord Dudley! Shock and gasps from the crowd. Wow, who could have seen that backstab coming? Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
Seymour has planted a tin of tofana on Dudley as “evidence”. Petunia has figured this out with her sniffer, but since she’s in dog form, she can’t warn Edward that Dudley’s been framed in any way other than by barking. Mary orders Elizabeth to get that dog out of here. Elizabeth leaves with Petunia, which means, of course, that now Petunia can’t do shit to help. Edward orders the guards to take the innocent Dudley to the Tower of London, leaving him alone with Mary and Seymour. Mary “caringly” guides the shaken Edward into a chair, and in the process Edward sees that she’s got the eyeball ring.
Whoops.
Wow, we had a lot of plot happening there, didn’t we? Well, we can’t have that. So let’s cut back to Jane and Ratty, who is now a human again. “What’s up with the books?” Jane asks him, seduced. He reveals, sexily, that the books, written in a wide variety of languages, are all about Ethianism. And since she’s the brightest witch of her age, he figures she and her book-learnin’ will be able to read all them furriner languages and be able to find a cure for him.
“So you married me for my brain?” she demands, then stalks off in a huff.
WHAT IS IT, JANE? WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU WERE MAD WHEN IT WAS ABOUT THE MONEY. YOU WERE MAD WHEN IT WAS ABOUT THE PATRIARCHY. NOW YOU’RE MAD THAT HE’S RECOGNIZING THAT YOU’RE SMART?? WHAT DO YOU WANT, JANE?
But before she can run away, Ratty and his two gold chains tempt her with something she really wants: a divorce! If she’ll cure him, he’ll divorce her! Then they can live happily ever after.
They agree to this truce, and then separate to sleep in different bedrooms, all while staring lustfully at each other and breathing heavily and going all close to each other before slamming of doors because WILL THEY OR WON’T THEY?! SO HOT, CAN’T HANDLE IT~
Back at the palace, Edward wakes up in some tower room where Mary and Seymour have smuggled him in order to kill him. He hears them coming and knows that if he can’t escape, his royal goose is cooked. Petunia is missing and can’t help him. What will he do? His only choice is… the window. But can he survive a fall from that height?!
He has no choice! There’s nothing to do but go for it—!
Mary and Seymour burst in. Where’s the king? Where could he have gone?!
They look out the window, and what do they see but… Edward’s cloak floating in the moat! What’s this? The king is dead?!
“Edward is dead!!” Mary cackles gleefully as the camera pans out over his cloak in the moat and… cut to credits.
Mythelina was quite disappointed, as she has also become a fan of the gay black king of England. Well, never fear, gentle Glibertarians! I can exclusively reveal that Edward is not dead. How he escaped, though, I’m not sure, because I don’t know if it’s going to follow the book or not. He’s not in the next episode at all (spoiler). But he hasn’t had his gay kisses as advertised in the trailer! So never fear. Edward is not dead.
And with that, I leave you! Until next time…
Well, that was definitely something…
Also, is there any food product less appropriate for a honeymoon breakfast than a giant blood sausage? Perhaps baked eggplant, or bananas flambe?
Schnitzengruben.
Gesundheit.
What’s your method, here? Do you hit pause every few minutes to scribble notes?
I did that for the first episode, then Mythelina started watching with me so now we watch the whole ep and I jot something in phone notes if it comes up (like her crack about Peter Dinklage), then I go back and fastforward through the episode again to refresh myself when I do the write up. And then make her read it to confirm I didn’t forget anything.
but I hate every one of these bitches, holy shit.
You’re just jealous of their GRRRRRRL PWRZ!
According to Hillary, or maybe it was Madelaine Albright, there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support women.
So another reason in a long list of why Hilldog is going to hell.
Gennifer Flowers could not be reached for comment.
Holy shit, your write-ups are great stuff!
You should do a running video commentary on these, MST3K style.
I don’t know when I’ll have use for it, but this is going into my lexicon.
Yeah. That one.
Ded.
What sort of drugs are Hollywood writers taking these days? They must be potent.
Pure, uncut gender/race flavored communism.
As the Critical Drinker has noted, characters are only as smart as the people who write them, and today’s writers are mostly idiot children.
Kim’s Convenience had its moments.
+ 1 “‘Shogun’ Shatters Emmy Record With 18 Wins in One Season”
https://variety.com/2024/awards/news/shogun-breaks-emmy-record-most-wins-1236138477/
I’ve still only watched two episodes. Some parts of it just annoyed me, but I’ll likely continue.
I thought it was great. I read the novel a long time ago, and the current adaptation was quite good.
What WTF said.
Well, the worst thing you could do is pirate the content, cut out a clip, and convert it to a gif or short webm. But failing that, you can just do a screen cap using, say, OBS or ShareX.
Just so everyone knows, not sure if there will be one next week? I have partially written it and it’s in the site drafts, but work and IRL stuff has been hectic and the site was queued out a while with posts so I’m not sure if they’ve already filled next Thursday now 😅 I’m going to try to finish it today, though, so hopefully there won’t be a delay!
Pretty sure that if anything has been slotted in for next Thursday (checking now, there is not), it can be moved.
Awesome, thank you!
So hot it’s hurting my feelings
I’m going to try to finish it today, though, so hopefully there won’t be a delay!
I don’t know if I could stand the suspense.
So never fear. Edward is not dead.
He threw his cloak out the window and then turned into a spider and hid on the ceiling.
OT – From the article comments:
https://arstechnica.com/cars/2024/09/volkswagen-halts-id-4-production-and-sales-due-to-bad-door-handles/
VW has lost their way. In just a few short years, they went from great to “WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?”
The designs, the ergonomics, the cost cutting, the UIs, and on.
I would not recommend the 2024 Tiguan I’m in right now to anyone.
I feel like the diesel debacle came to light when all these cars were being designed and engineered.
Also its what younger consumers have been trained to expect and want.
And that’s how we get tv shows like this…
🙁
Whathelldamnguy! Does VW think they are BMW now?
Lionsgate partners with AI firm to train generative model on film and TV library
AI is going to learn how to write shitty tv and movies too.
Probably couldn’t be that much worse, tbh.
I agree, but it should at least be trained on some good content.
JFC, they greenlit both Borderlands and the Crow reboot? They dug their own hole with those. How much longer will this terrible trend of rebooting movies/shows from the 80’s/90’s continue? FFS, they’re trying to reboot Clue!
When my wife and I went to see Am I Racist? all of the trailers except one were for a reboot or sequel.
The one exception was an action movie that looked immediately forgettable called A Weekend in Taipei, but all of the others looked unwatchable.
Thanks again for doing this.
Fantastic write up!
Knowing nothing at all about the books or show except what you have written, I’m betting Edward turned into a bird and flew out the window.
Haven’t watched ep 4 yet (Mythelina is here so we’re doing it now) so can’t entirely confirm, but this is what happened in the book. You win a prize! It’s a delicious blackberry pie 🥧
Ron, why aren’t you eating your blackberry pie???????????
I love blackberry pie, but maybe not that one.
Actually that reminds me I have a frozen one from Amish country I need to cook.
Blackberry Pie is in the oven*
*Not a euphemism
Was he a crow?
Please?
Bonus if they did the Darth Vader stepping on the obviously empty cloak to see if Obi-Wan/Edward had just shrunk.
I, on the other hand, watched this last night.
Considered by many to be the finest British film ever made, The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp, by Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger, is a stirring masterpiece like no other.
That might be laying it on a bit thick, but it was pretty good. Nary a witch or changeling to be seen.
Owners will be notified about the recall by November 1, VW says. But unfortunately, the automaker doesn’t have a fix for the problem yet.
Put these on them.
Our friends at Tesla and probably Ford would apply a software band-aid. Something that monitors the door and makes the car undriveable if it fails.
It’s the new approach to “fixing” legitimate hardware issues.
https://www.voanews.com/a/feds-have-significant-safety-concerns-about-ford-fuel-leak-recall-and-demand-answers-about-the-fix/7605907.html
Ford says the SUVs have fuel injectors that will crack, allowing gas or vapor to leak near hot engine parts that can cause fires, fuel odors and an increased risk of injuries.
I remember seeing, probably in the early ’90s, several Lincolns with their front ends burnt to a crisp from the sort of engine compartment fire almost certainly caused by a major leak on the pressure side, like a broken fuel rail.
Ford’s remedy for the leaks is to add a drain tube to send the gas away from hot surfaces, and a software update to detect a pressure drop in the fuel injection system. If that happens, the software will disable the high-pressure fuel pump, reduce engine power and cut temperatures in the engine compartment. Owners also will get a “seek service” message.
And, of course, these would be direct-injection motors, so injector pressure is high enough to atomize the fuel foe extra efficient combustion, inside the cylinder or not.
Bingo! But if it saves just one turtle…
I found this delightful,
Trump on Gutfeld,
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tNGBB52inSk
I love MLW’s stuff.
Please start a review website.
I do have to ask, do you find yourself needing to consume alcohol in the quantities that Critical Drinker does in order to sit through all of this?
We’re all going to die! https://www.eastbaytimes.com/2024/09/19/us-drought-monitor-paints-unsettling-picture-for-california/
Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s called summer in California.
I have been hearing that every. year all of my life.
To be fair, California is naturally drought-y.
Much of it is unfit for habitation IMHO.
Mythelina is an excellent addition. “He looks like a life-size Peter Dinklage,” indeed.
So, they find someone who is selling poison, and poison that was used to try to kill the king, no less, and they just . . . kinda wander off? Nobody thinks “Hey, selling poison is not good, maybe she should be arrested.”?
You might have noticed the exact same brainless plot service in The Acolyte.
Flipping off the unsuspecting populous. “Peace among worlds”
https://youtu.be/DqEgMLDS5CM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wfAm-s0HDw
The conservative twins on the Haitian car accidents in Ohio.
Funny story about the Haitian flunking out of Motor T school. What most people would consider the easier MOS school in the military.
Thomas Massie obliterates Jerry Nadler point by point on gun control.
https://x.com/townhallcom/status/1836844663350685779
This. The guy lies about what time it is, all in fan-service to his idiot voters.
Blow away the smoke. Mao did: “If the populace will disarm, fine. If they will not we will disarm them.”
They want you helpless and no one ever wanted that for your own good. Fuck them.
They cant have my guns.
New research points to raccoon dogs in Wuhan market as pandemic trigger. It’s controversial
Even NPR can’t play this one straight. Pure coincidence about the lab being there. Pure coincidence.
https://www.npr.org/2024/09/19/g-s1-23605/covid-pandemic-origins-wet-market-wuhan-lab-leak-raccoon-dogs
OFFS.
Just another wave in the ocean of bullshit we are drowning in.
They (warmongers in the US working hand in glove with the CCP) were weaponizing a bug. Either they released it deliberately or not deliberately. It doesnt matter. They were breaking the law (US) by doing it.
All of the disputing over the minute details of how and why is just trying to get everyone lost in the weeds and forget that basic fact. All of the evil that followed from that is another matter that also needs to have the smoke blown off of it.
Also, I dont hear anyone pointing this out: Every ‘pandemic’ we know of since forever begins in China. This is what happens when you constantly expose a population to microbes we have not evolved a relationship with. It happens every year and always has. Aside from the engineered bugs there was nothing special about Covid.
Stop eating toad assholes, bat wings and pangolin peckers. Embrace germ theory. Cook your goddamned food. Learn how to raise cattle and wheat, fucking backwards ignoramuses.
You have me almost wanting to hate-watch this.
Almost,
This is how I won Mythelina over 😂