“I WILL HAVE SEX WITH THE LOCH NESS MONSTER!” he shouted, his voice like thunder rolling across the loch. He walked into the cold, cold waters, his erection bobbing, and swam toward the floating mass in the loch, moss green, smooth.
“John!” his wife cried, “Be careful!”
“Quiet, woman!” he called back at her. “It is my destiny!”
Anne had never believed in him, in his quest to have sex with all the cryptids in the world. He had spent lavishly to make depth charges and have them shipped to Scotland in secret, bribes to have the keepers of the loch to look away. Explosions in the deep had surfaced the beast.
“Are you ready, Nessie?” he asked the beast. “Because I’m going to give you all I got!”
John swam up to the creature and began a furious frottage along its back, sliding toward its monstrous genitals.
“A cloaca? Do you think that’s going to stop me?” He dived under the tail and dove penis-first at the multi-function orifice.
“I’m fucking you in the vagina, the ass and the urethra at the same time!” he said, plunging away the great slash under the tail. “TAKE IT, NESSIE! TELL ME HOW BIG IT IS!”
“Whu?” he managed as the head whipped toward him on its flexible neck.
“I WILL HAVE SEX WITH MOTHMAN!” he said, stumping forward on his artificial leg.
The winged form swooped toward him in the night, coating him with dusty scales, red eyes glaring back at him through the gloom of the dynamite factory yard. John had collapsed a bridge to summon him.
“Jesus Christ, John! Stop!” Anne screamed at him from their car.
“I just need you to believe in me!” John cried back.
“I believe in you just fine, I just think you’re being an idiot!”
Mothman made another pass, blotting out the Moon.
“I’ve got you now!” John said, grabbing a feathery leg, his own metal one falling away. “I don’t know what there is to fuck on a moth, but I’m going to find it!”
John landed on the hood of their car, bounced off, and rolled in gravel, and howled in pain.
“I WILL FUCK YOU, KÓOSHDAA KÁA!” John said, shaking his fist at the form racing toward him across the Arctic ice.
The otterman said something in guttural Tlingit, and pounced.
“He says he is into it,” said the wizened medicine man.
Anne stayed in the yurt to watch John getting bitten dozens of times and having his anus cracked open like an abalone.
“John, I just can’t do this anymore,” Anne said as he lay in hospital, tubes draining away pus.
“I will fuck the Loveland Frogman,” John wrote on his notepad. His jaw had been wired shut.
“I’m not following you to Texas and watching you try to have sex with a giant frog.”
John turned away from her and stared at the wall until she left.
“AH-HA!” John said, as he landed on the Globster. “I’ve got you now!”
John fucked the rotted corpse of the basking shark as throughly as he could.
“I WILL FUCK MOKELE-MBEMBE!” John said over and over again to his native guide as they searched the riverlands of the Congo Basin. The guide just smiled and took his money. Mokele-mbembe was a wily beast and would not be easy to catch, he had told John. They looked for months. Traveling into town and villages to purchase supplies, people marveled at the deep puncture scars that covered John’s body. Children asked to play with his artificial leg.
They were running low on ivermectin and quinine when they finally spotted the beast from their canoe. John ended up ejaculating on the back of a hippopotamus in triumph, and fleeing Africa just ahead of bounty hunters from the World Wildlife Fund.
The Chupacabra was too small to fit his dick in, and might have just been an iguana anyway. Monks in Tibet took a large bribe in gold to let him rub his balls on a purported Yeti skull. The Alma of the Caucasus mountains turned out to just be a tribe of hideous ugly people; John was so disappointed he didn’t even bother to fondle one. He farted on a petroglyph of a thunderbird and took a beating from his tour guide. The Jersey Devil was a flat-out bust because it just kept flying away.
John wrote a book, My Adventures in Cryptid-Fucking, and made enough money on the Netflix TV series to replenish his dwindled family fortune.
“Are you ever going to fuck Bigfoot?” Joe Rogan asked him.
“I just don’t know,” John said. He sneezed and his glass eye flew out and into his lap. “I’ve searched for him a number of times.”
“What about this STEVE SMITH the internet talks about?” Joe asked, watching John polish his eye on his shirt and popping it back in.
“I don’t believe in him,” John said. “A bigfoot that is also a lawyer? It’s absurd.”
“I don’t know, there’s a lot of chatter out there.”
“Joe, I’ve found and fucked dozens of cryptids. If STEVE SMITH was real, I’d think I would have found him by now.”
“Let’s change gears,” Joe said. “Do you think Bigfoot will let you take feet pics?”
“I certainly hope so, Mr. Rogen. He’s the white whale of OnlyFeet. I could make him a very rich Apeman, if he’s interested.”
“OK, it has been great talking with you,” Joe said.
“You mind if I plug my website?”
“Of course, go right ahead.”
“H-T-T-P, colon, forward-slash, forward-slash, cryptidfucker–all one word–at angelfire.com.”
“I bet you thought I forgot about you, didn’t you?” John asked the forest, rolling forward in his off-road wheelchair. He lifted the Bigfoot call to his lips
“FREE ASS! FREE ASS!” the call squawked. “FREE ASS! FREE ASS!”
His body was never found.
Bravo Sir!
You still in the States?
Hopefully flying this monday. Got a verbal agreement on a medical waiver, but trying to confirm if I can fly and then finish the paperwork on the other end or if there’ll be more delays.
Thursday SugarFree?!
That’s some Spanish Inquisition shit.
That. Was. Amazing.
Wow
Yep, that’s the line that brought me up short.
No lunch today.
I am with you, Slumbrew…I was about to raid the Halloween candy…not anymore.
In SFland, the Halloween candy rapes you!
So thats what the slutty nurse outfits are for!
Another SF bio. Hard to keep up but I have to agree with with Slum and TOK.
Err, I meant Ron but TOK should probably be included, just in case.
That was truly a marvel of words.
The perfect tale for today. Also, PEFECT TAIL FOR STEVE SMITH.
Woo! More SugarFree!
*reads*
Uh, thanks?
*skips lunch*
I just bought OnlyPaws.com and OnlyHooves.com.
Thanks for the inspiration!
Rawrrrr
How are those not already owned by Minds Inc, d/b/a onlyfur.com LLC?
Alol!
The Wild Man of Borneo wasn’t good enough for him?
“I believe in you just fine, I just think you’re being an idiot!”
Women.
No one expect
the Spanish InquisitionSF Thursday.Dude.
I set that up and you didn’t even make it a reply?
Sorry, the nausea got to me.
The angelfire.com at the end is a nice touch.
+1 That was hilarious.
Indeed, I usually put the colon at the end.
404 Error Angelfire could not find the page you requested
Sad!
Here’s the Secretary of State who leaked all the voting machine passwords. Start into her eyes if you want to feel true terror.
https://x.com/RealAlexJones/status/1851956364504858797
I’m feeling more annoyance, like when my dog wants to go out for the hundredth time and I just sat down.
That is genetic. A human sitting down creates an irresistible urge to urinate, sniff and bark at the air in canines.
We have ceramic tile floors. There is a rut directly from my chair to the back door. It was worn in after only 3 years.
She did an interview yesterday, and she said “absolutely not” will she resign. These people really believe they in a crusade against evil, and anything is on the table.
It’s rational in a way. If you truly believe you are fighting an existential threat anything you do is heroic.
Chris Bray had a good stack this morning:
https://substack.com/home/post/p-150970744
I think their wiring has quite literally been changed.
I’m not done with it but I’ll recommend
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Righteous_Mind
if you haven’t already.
The wiring is the same but I think various groups have become better about pushing buttons.
I see it with my mom and dad. They complain about the economy and all the migrants. They lament that things have changed for the worse. Yet they still believe everything on TV and keep voting the same. At times you can almost see the vapor lock, where they’re trying to reconcile how something can be both A and not A at the same time.
I know this is tin foil hat territory, but the CIA became experts at how to use propaganda to break people’s minds and I’m convinced that’s what they’ve done.
Yes, this is what we are up against. No matter how the election turns out the other side is going to have a lot of people unwilling to accept it but for different reasons.
Franklin warned about this LONG before the CIA or any other group was dreamed up…
“…when the people shall become so corrupted as to need despotic Government, being incapable of any other.”
A strong man (dictator) always rises, gathers in the military, restores peace and then resigns, right? As in Africa, right?
When the going gets tough the tough reloads…
It’s amazing how that programming sprung forth in their heads almost fully formed the second he “went down the escalator”.
So Rogan is either a lurker or… a known Glib is really Rogan! ::narrows gaze, peers around suspiciously::
I wouldn’t have the patience to talk to strangers for three hours at a shot.
He smokes weed,
Definately not me.
He’s a fan of unusual phenomena so perhaps he’s stumbled upon the legend of STEVE SMITH.
Apparently SugarFree has been kibbitzing my DnD campaign…
Today, in seeing exactly what you want to see
If the index is falling, the theory goes, investors are bracing for more uncertainty from a new administration. But a climb in the S&P 500 signals that the market is expecting the current president’s party to win. And the index’s recent rise is suggesting that Vice President Kamala Harris, who took over the Democratic ticket from President Joe Biden this summer, could be bound for victory.
That must be it, Shirley. It couldn’t be a relief rally because we’ll be rid of the Joe and Kamala Show.
This would be all well and good if this election was anywhere near a normal incumbent vs. upstart contest, as opposed to former president seeking first nonconsecutive terms since Grover Cleveland vs. nonincumbent taking up the standard for an incumbent who dropped out late while also pretending to not be from the incumbent party.
Plus, TINA. The stock market is not moored to reality these days.
@ slumbrew.
I mentioned a few weeks back the (unintentional) hilarity of my friends who, in the early 2000s, denounced the stock market growth as not a good sign of the economy, now claiming that Biden/Harris policies have led to the rise in the stock market, which has increased the value of 401ks, which means we’re all better off.
“The market’s making a call for Harris to win,” said Adam Turnquist, chief technical strategist at the financial services company LPL Financial, which has compiled data on elections and stock prices. “When there’s more certainty about the incumbent party winning the White House, we know for the most part the policies they’ve [installed]. There’s just a level of comfort that the market has with that certainty.”
Was Mark Zandi unavailable for comment?
What a wonderful Halloween treat!
And I now know what frottage is.
Thanks, SF!
https://www.salon.com/2024/10/31/nearly-slips-attempting-to-enter-a-garbage-truck-for-a-campaign-stunt/?in_brief=true
Former President Donald Trump’s cosplay as a garbage truck driver nearly met with disaster after he appeared to miss the door handle on the vehicle’s passenger side and nearly lost his footing. He eventually got the door open and, after briefly clutching his right thigh, climbed into the seat with some effort.
Trump later said that the truck was too big.
“I said how the hell do you get into this truck? It’s way up high,” he said at a rally in Wisconsin, still wearing an orange vest. “I said they didn’t have to buy it that big, right? You have to get it that big?” But Trump said he counted himself lucky that he managed to get in, since the “fake news” was watching. “So the first stair’s like up here,” he said, raising his arm to his waist, though the stair was knee height. “I said, ‘sh*t.’ So I had the adrenaline going and I made it.”
Ride a painted pony
Let the Spinning Wheel spin
““So the first stair’s like up here,” he said, raising his arm to his waist, though the stair was knee height.”
Fact check, misinformation merchant!
Do none of these people go fishing?
Salon, the over-flowing toilet of the internet.
What’s the likelihood of 60 year old Kamala climbing into that truck unaided?
We know Joe flat-out couldn’t
Does she know what a garbage truck even is? Oh how garbage magically disappears from her house?
High heels and a skirt. Could be amusing.
Pictures Kamala in high heels and a skirt…
That was scarier and more disgusting than SF story above.
The servants empty the trash. Duh.
“…how garbage magically disappears from her house?”
Well, she puts it in the trash, silly. How else?
*Remembering the theater where AOC did not know what a garbage disposal was when she discovered it in her new house*
Im 44, last time I jumped into just a slightly raised truck I struggled. These people are just ridiculous.
Trump probably doesn’t drive, but entering trucks from the passenger side that I hop into on the drivers side throws me off too.
That’s why I have running boards.
Getting salon and the like to obsess over this stupid shit is a stroke of genius.
Speaking of monster hunters! Or should that be moron hunters?
[handcrafted tags in this post because Tampermonkey and Monocle have taken a shit on me apparently]
“We’re moving from Threat Level Red to Threat Level Shit-Your-Pants! We’re all gonna die! Vote Kamala, she’s our only hope.”
So Biden era EOs aren’t dictatorial at all, but undoing them is.
Does the “American Autocracy Threat Tracker” sit on the same shelf as the Doomsday Clock? What if the AATT doesn’t Fall Back in a couple days?
Or does it have Dictator savings time?
Oooh Threat Tracker. Back to tracking things on the news we are.
Trump said something scary!
Well, it wasn’t exactly what he said that was scary, but I’m always scared of him!
OK, I totally made up that it was anything scary to anyone but me.
Does that use the same calibration as the Doomsday Clock?
It’ll be the work of a generation or more to grind down the instrument of this mental programming, although a few short sharp shocks might bust some extra concrete more quickly
If Trump wins there will be a massive shock, but I doubt it will be therapeutic.
“I believe in you just fine, I just think you’re being an idiot!”
I laughed.
A greeting card I bought last week, trying to figure out who to give it to.
The Rogan/Vance interview just dropped. Five minutes in and they sound like old drinking buddies. Trump and Vance are completely relatable. Harris completely screwed the pooch not doing that show.
Eh, she isn’t relatable to most humans, so…
(seriously, she and HRC are two of the worst retail politicians to have ever “made” it to the senate)
I was just skipping through…at 2 hour mark they spend like 15 minutes just tearing into Kamala nearly about that
They are totally fake, and it seems that behind the scenes they are terrible.
I once pointed out that cream rises to the top. Then someone else noted that scum also rises.
I think that covers it.
Yeah, she is not capable of such a discussion.
There’s nothing inside but empty soundbites and cackles.
The whole reason she insisted on special treatment was to get out of doing it.
Harris completely screwed the pooch not doing that show.
You think so? Separated from the reality of who she is, certainly. But if the campaign had agreed to Rogan’s standards? My studio, open ended, no one else in the room (‘cept that commie Young Jamie). Maybe she’d do well, but I really really doubt it. I don’t think she’s capable of stepping out of the act. Trump didn’t need to – the ‘act’ is the person. Probably same with Vance, though I haven’t watched it yet. Any upside for her would have been, IMNSHO, very distant and the downside would be enormous. Yay or nay I think would both be negatives for her, but I think the risk of doing it on his terms were far beyond the negatives of just bailing like they did.
It would have been must see ‘TV’ either way.
“Separated from reality” is a good way to put it. Rogan’s show is a conversation. It goes a long way to make Trump and Vance seem relatable and trustworthy. Kamala would have benefited greatly from that… if she was capable of turning off the act. And if she actually has a good personality.
Vance does a good job of hiding the stink of politician and nearly comes off as just a guy you’d strike up a conversation with at a bar.
Link to the interview. It shows up in search results for me. Fourth hit.
Just searched on ‘Freetube’, hit immediately on “rogan vance interview”, first result. I watch Rogan on Spotify anyway, but good to see it on Youtube with his new contract as it’ll undoubtedly get a log more eyeholes. I think after Rogan publicly going on about youtube hiding the Trump interview and putting it on X (generating a shit-ton more views), YT will probably leave this one alone…
” get a log more eyeholes.”
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
(i * pi)/2 * (1+4k) ?
I*M*PIE
This interview is much more interesting than the Trump one.
1/2 million views on YT in under an hour? Damn. Might be echo chamber views but that starts to spread out to ears that normally don’t seek things like this out.
They go pretty deep into the abortion debate. Vance should be leading that conversation cause he didn’t shy away from it and gave pretty much the sanest discussion about it.
I want a T-shirt that says
“ I will fuck the Loveland Frogman”
Yusef, if you’re about:
Getting quotes to replace 25-year-old condensing furnace – Bosch worth $1k upcharge over American Standard?
American Standard makes toilets.
Keep that in mind.
Welp, Mrs Obe wants me to wear a costume. Searching around with what I have and what I can do quickly…Cousin Eddie it is! Though its supposed to be a bit rainy and our plan is to sit outside around a firepit and hand out candy.
Best…”He farted on a petroglyph of a thunderbird and took a beating from his tour guide.”
Tough to pick between that and “Monks in Tibet took a large bribe in gold to let him rub his balls on a purported Yeti skull.”
The Colorado SoS leaking the voting machine passwords and then refusing to resign seems a very ominous sign to me.
They are determined to cheat and dont care if they are caught because the stakes are JUST THAT HIGH. When you are fighting something this evil any action is justified.
That they are willing to be so transparent about it tells me that they do not care if the election is seen as illegitimate by half or more of the population. It also suggests that they have no intention of accepting a loss or possibly of leaving office. I am not sure how that works but you can bet your last dollar they have discussed it. I have heard talk like that all of my life but this is the first time I have legitimately feared it.
We are also being told it is no big deal even though she is the SoS who unilaterally tried to strike Trump from the primaries.
I have heard Jamie Raskin has met with some NGO’s to “game out” how to keep Trump from office if he wins. But that’s not insurrection or anything.
Yeah, I am wondering how the history will read in 50 years.
“They went completely insane and burned down the greatest thing the world has ever had.”
We all have a bucket list
WHERE’S THE NSFW TAG? *gets a call from HR
It’s got the “SugarFree” tag. What more do you need?
Today is my anniversary . 48 years ago I took off my GI boots for the last time. As I drove out the gates of Fort Hood for the last official time I pondered about what the future would bring. I was already a full time student .
Now, 48 years later I’m still wondering what the future will bring. A week to go before deer season…
Congrats!
You sure have had an adventure, Fourscore.
My wife and I got married about 5 and a half months later.
Actually, 6 and a half months earlier. Math is hard.
But that’s not insurrection or anything.
Fanaticism in service to True Democracy is not insurrection. It’s patriotism.
I imagine people in hell arguing eternally that they were justified in what got them there.
Same in heaven.
While we are here, as 4X20 points out, we are always looking forward, yet we imagine that after our deaths we will always be looking back at life.
Huh. Some (R) needed to fulfil a campaign promise:
https://www.cnn.com/2024/10/30/politics/andrew-cuomo-nursing-home-deaths-house-covid-committee/index.html
I’m sure US Attorney General Merrick Garland will get right on that. 🙄
Hang on, he still has to process all the Dems that were found in contempt of congress.
O.M.G.
HEH.
doesn’t exist
Page does not exist
Blamethrowers on full power
Harris has kept Biden at a distance during the final stretch of the campaign, even as she has appeared alongside surrogates, including former President Obama. The move has irked Biden loyalists who say the president had a successful administration and should be out there — however awkward — to help campaign for his vice president.
“He should be out there,” one loyalist said. “The reason she’s where she is, is because of him.”
But even before Biden’s “garbage” comment, there were whispers he would be responsible for a Harris defeat.
These voices say Biden’s withdrawal from the race in late July didn’t do Harris any favors since she hasn’t had enough time to properly telegraph her biography.
She couldn’t get her message to the people. If only she had been allowed to tell her truth.
Anyone here could explain what happened in about 25 seconds. We should farm ourselves out as consultants.
They have no interest whatsoever in what actually happened. They only want spin that takes the blame away from themselves.
They are what happened and that is the last thing they will ever admit. These are sociopaths. Having no empathy means they cannot predict ahead of time how people will react to any given action or statement.
In the last 24 hrs I think Slick Willie said something to the effect of “Telling people you are going to keep fucking them is a hard sell”