THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED. DO NOT LEAVE THIS IN THE GARAGE. DO NOT LEAVE THIS IN THE BATHROOM. FAILURE TO MAINTAIN CLASSIFICATION STANDARDS WILL RESULT IN YOU GOING TO JAIL.
DIRECTLY TO JAIL.
DO NOT PASS GO.
DO NOT COLLECT $200
Date of Transmission: 28 August 2024
Location: Wilmington, DE
The government agent sat listlessly in the president’s basement. He had been there once before, shortly after the election. Feeling unamused at the president’s previous treatment of the agent, he decided to be steadfast in his approach to the president this time. He clung eagerly to the fat envelope the president’s handlers gave him “just in case”.
The president’s basement in his home in Wilmington was different than the last time he visited. Gone was the dark blue shower curtain with the presidential seal, and the fake podium. Also gone was the faux resolute desk and windows showing a video feed of the window outside the oval office. Now he looked around and saw the basement was some kind of beach with a chair and umbrella in the center of the room.
”Snuffy. Wwwwwwwwhat the ummmm. Doing here?” The president walked in wearing his luxurious dark blue presidential bathrobe.
”You remembered my name Mr. President?”
”Yeah, your the fat ass ummmm, what happened to my lifeguard whistle?”
”I have it here.” The Agent held out the gold plated whistle on a long golden chain. The president waddled over and snatched it.
”My precious.”
”Mr. President. I am not here for pleasantries. I am here because we need a decision on the ISS astronauts stranded in space.”
”What did Kumala do this time? I’m ummmmmm really busy here.”
THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED. DO NOT LEAVE THIS IN THE GARAGE. DO NOT LEAVE THIS IN THE BATHROOM. FAILURE TO MAINTAIN CLASSIFICATION STANDARDS WILL RESULT IN YOU GOING TO JAIL.
DIRECTLY TO JAIL.
DO NOT PASS GO.
DO NOT COLLECT $200
”I brought this to the Vice President two days ago and she informed me she was speaking,”
”Yeah she does that man.” The president looked awkwardly in the distance at the ocean. “Bitch won’t uhhhh shut the hell up, cocksucker.”
”Yes. Well …the capsule was attacked and raped by SPACE SMITH upon launch. Later it was used as some sort of inter dimensional buttplug. Our top men are monitoring the situation and have concluded this was what happened to the capsule, otherwise it wouldn’t be making that funny noise.” The agent coughed briefly. “A vibrating buttplug.”
”Funny noises. Man. They got them ummmm Jew haters tearing up my grass out front. The piss all over the place, what am I supposed to do?”
”There is nobody in your front yard. I was just out there.”
”They said nah, ffffffffffffff free speech. I’m all, get off my lawn, fat!”
”What are you talking about?” The agent looked solemnly upon the envelope.
Just in case, it had written over the top.
”So I , so I, I, so I said, you’re all just lucky we can’t use those Nazi trained gorillas. Run all over, all over those kids tearing up my lawn. Use horses and and and and and aand run them down with nets. Its terrible though, how they shot the Negro.”
THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED. DO NOT LEAVE THIS IN THE GARAGE. DO NOT LEAVE THIS IN THE BATHROOM. FAILURE TO MAINTAIN CLASSIFICATION STANDARDS WILL RESULT IN YOU GOING TO JAIL.
DIRECTLY TO JAIL.
DO NOT PASS GO.
DO NOT COLLECT $200
”Goddamn it.” The agent pulled the tab open on the envelope.
We are sorry President Biden is unable to help you. Simply inject this into the President’s buttocks and he will come to. Once he is cogent, he should be able to make a specific decision involving your agency’s operations. He will not fight you, if you give him a friendly phrase that lets him know its time for his shot.
”You have to be fucking kidding me.” The agent muttered.
”These goddamn kids. That that that that that that’s my grass!”
”Okay Mr. President. Its time for the official end of fleet week?”
The president looked at him, confused.
”We need to make sure what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”
Still nothing.
”Its time for the tren poke. The glutey glutey glute shoot.”
The president winced, turned around, and pulled up his bathrobe. The agent winced at the president’s pale, flaccid buttocks, marked by dark bruises on both cheeks around the injection sites.
”Your ass looks like Keri Russel’s tits in Starship Troopers.”
”Cmon man. Hunter says that all the time and I’m all, that wasn’t Keri Russel.”
”Really?”
THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED. DO NOT LEAVE THIS IN THE GARAGE. DO NOT LEAVE THIS IN THE BATHROOM. FAILURE TO MAINTAIN CLASSIFICATION STANDARDS WILL RESULT IN YOU GOING TO JAIL.
DIRECTLY TO JAIL.
DO NOT PASS GO.
DO NOT COLLECT $200
The president snapped. He began smacking the agent with his gold lifeguard whistle.
”You listen here. There will be nobody attacking defense contractor’s shoddy workman ship, WHEN I AM PRESIDENT.” The president began choking the agent with the gold chain.
”Mr. President.”
”What did you want to know, fat?”
”You ARE the president.” The agent choked out.
”I know that.”
”You’re robe is open.”
”I know that too.”
”What should we do with the astronauts?” The agent asked between labored breaths. The president stood up and closed his bathrobe.
”Its Musk’s problem now. Tell him the Jews did it, and he’ll do it for free. Cocksucker.”
THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION IS CLASSIFIED. DO NOT LEAVE THIS IN THE GARAGE. DO NOT LEAVE THIS IN THE BATHROOM. FAILURE TO MAINTAIN CLASSIFICATION STANDARDS WILL RESULT IN YOU GOING TO JAIL.
DIRECTLY TO JAIL.
DO NOT PASS GO.
DO NOT COLLECT $200
One thing few Americans are aware of – well kept lawns are symbols of evil in much of the non-western world, especially in the undeveloped non-western world. The protesters tearing up of the lawn has a meaning that will escape most Americans.
Dare I point out that we see some of that here in the US but it largely goes unnoticed.
lawns are symbols of evil in much of the non-western world
You’ve never been a junior enlisted on an Army post?
In that context, they are a symbol of an under-employed Sergeant Major.
“Goddamit private! Get off the fucking company/battalion/brigade grass!”
Bonus if you had a Sarn’t Majr that referred to themselves in the third person.
“Gardarn Private, Sarn’t Majr want you to get off Sarn’t Majr’s grass! Who’s your top kick?”
Grass drills are evil.
“Top? Do I look like I’m a child’s toy that spins around?”
/flashbacks
“Oh, no, Sergeant Major, you’re much too unbalanced for that.”
I am thinking I should go back and print out all of this author’s material here and have it bound…..in human skin of course.
I don’t care how good looking Keri Russel is. Her performance in The Americans puts her on the wrong side of hot/psychopathic killer matrix. Way too believable.
That and the fact that she was on the Mickey Mouse Club means there is an increased likelihood that she is certifiably insane.
I laughed way too hard at this. Spilled a little bit of my coffee.
A rapey SPACE SMITH first thing in the morning was an unexpected yet pleasant surprise.
”Your ass looks like Keri Russel’s tits in Starship Troopers.”
No comprende.
Starship Troopers sucked worse than The Grapes of Wrath and On Golden Pond rolled into one.
oh no it didnt it was fun back then
Would you like to know more?
What does Dina Meyer looks like naked …
Agreed. I love this post and simultaneously hate being reminded that the Starship Troopers movie exists.
I supplied my son with a steady flow of Heinlein juveniles when he was in Junior High – ending with Starship Troopers of course. He loved it.
One day he told me how he’d discovered the movie and was excited to watch it, then was outraged by how badly it twisted Heinlein’s story. A very proud moment for me.
Why would you do something like that?
You just have to watch it with the right attitude. “Dumb fun”, perhaps.
*Glassy-eyed thousand yard stare
I paid money to see it in the theater. And there were no drink specials. And the sound was turned up to 11. Never again…
Rhy gets it.
Uhhh… isn’t Mayor Pete supposed to be trying to avoid a longshoremen strike? Instead spreading private time with a special friend?
https://x.com/joma_gc/status/1840826141470232960
It wouldn’t be the first time he couldn’t be bothered with a crisis.
Which one? (I know the answer is “both”)
https://nypost.com/2021/10/17/buttigieg-defends-being-on-paternity-leave-amid-supply-chain-crisis
The other guy watched Minneapolis burn while his wife enjoyed the smell of smoke.
Good thing Pete isn’t running for office, that picture has “Dukakis in a tanker helmet” energy.
Ugh…things I didn’t need to know.
Mentioning this publicly is proof that one is an anti-gay bigot who also probably hates every other marginalized group that was ever in existence.
Your point?
Sockpuppet’s sock puppet doesnt know or care anything whatsoever about his job? I am past the point of being convinced that this admin, and probably others I didnt notice to some extent or other are nothing but theater. Neither Biden, Harris, Bootyjudge nor any of the appointed officers run anything. They do as they are told.
See: Kimberly Cheatle drinking, screwing and partying her ass off and knowing nothing about the Trump assassination attempt until reporters told her. That is what is called a CLUE.
We are a global oligarchy.
Great little piece! Love it.
On that note…lets hope this is a save face measure from Iran. Could be a double whammy – terrorist attack in Tel Aviv and the missiles were let loose.
I’m listening to a live show on X. Iran has launched missiles, too early to tell the extent of things.
Hopefully the retaliation is Israel eliminating the Ayatollah and his Mullahs (along with their nuclear program) letting the Iranians reclaim their country.
From what I can tell, sounds like a lot of missiles.
Iran has a massive strategic vulnerability – it is heavily reliant on oil, which I believe is mostly exported from a single facility. I’m sure the only reason the Israelis haven’t blown it up is because the US is leaning on them not to. But the Israelis seem to be in a DGAF mood these days, so . . . maybe this direct attack on Israel will get a direct response?
You know what movie also sucked? Bringing Up Baby. I never really liked it, but I stumbled across it recently and decided it would have been greatly improved if Cary grant had knocked Katherine Hepburn’s teeth out, one by one, with a golf club, at the beginning.
Uhhh… isn’t Mayor Pete supposed to be trying to avoid a longshoremen strike? Instead spreading private time with a special friend?
I saw something recently in which some political analyst was speculating on Mayor Petey’s political future. As if Mayor Petey actually has one.
More missiles flying in Israel right now. Same time as a mass shooting in the streets. Links pending…it’s all twitter stuff right now (maybe on tv too?).
Times of Israel had it about 20 minutes ago…so fucking stupid and tiresome.
It’s very early, just a quick blurb on CNN’s web site and a live discussion on X.
Out of curiosity, I checked out new on carrier groups (because of course I did). Harry S. Truman was on the way to relieve Abraham Lincoln in the ME, now both carriers ordered to stay.
https://news.usni.org/2024/09/29/secdef-austin-orders-carrier-uss-abraham-lincoln-to-remain-in-middle-east
Huh…Al Jazeera is showing live view from Tel Aviv of missiles already arriving…seems…quick no? Other actors?
CNBC – live – all kinds of aerial activity. Not if it’s Iron Dome or the result of Iron Dome.
Night sky is well lit up.
Tel Aviv
Some of the videos I’ve seen were clearly intercepts. It’s like Missile Command. Mind blown.
Never mind the Iran nonsense. BREAKING NEWS
Taylor Lorenz Exits Washington Post to Launch ‘User Mag’ on Substack
https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/business/digital/taylor-lorenz-leaves-washington-post-launch-user-mag-substack-1236011888/
subscribe now.
Somehow I doubt she’ll make as much money as Scott Adams or Matt Taibbi. People can get her type of propaganda for free in dozens of places.
The Free Press by Bari Weiss does have some success but I doubt Tay gets there
The Blocked and Reported podcast seems to make a pretty hefty amount based on sub numbers and average amount. Same for 5th Column, etc.
Good for her. She can sit in her room smelling her own farts now.
Maybe that’s why she’s always wearing a mask.
Tay-Lo news is more suitable to a Wednesday afternoon comments section. SPACE SMITH is too wholesome.
Who?
Beats me.
the woman made famous by avocado toast
I thought that was Robbie Soave.
No, Robbie’s a dude. Common mistake though.
https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/journalist-mocked-22-avocado-toast-purchase-backfires-ultimate-140831716.html
that probably costs more these day than the glory days of 2018
Washington Post writer. Pretends to be at least 15 years younger than she is. Known for doxxing people with intent, and generally being a massive asshole on social media, and on the topic of social media, which is her “beat”.
Stock up on toilet paper,
Or immodium and morphine.
Potassium iodide
Does that cause constipation?
Such a weird dynamic in the ME
https://x.com/ercanharmanci/status/1841161157890949384
öh guys we need to get off the roof”
neah enjoy the show
Poor Goff didn’t get the game ball.
It was a helluva game and those Lions uniforms are so badass.
That was a great game. Who expected Amon-Ra to throw a TD pass TO Goff?
At least we look half way on track to the Browns/Lions Superbowl.
That was awesome! Great play call and they sold it really well.
Philly Special to the left
They were solid uniforms. I’m still annoyed though when teams without black in their color scheme wear black uniforms just because they can try and wring money out of it.
I turned it on, not expecting to watch much, but it was a great game. Goff was just lights out the whole game.
We’re learning all sorts of supply chain horror stories.
NA, is this accurate?
It’s not like they can ship them to where crucibles are made.
No.
You can do a LOT of reclamation/reuse of quartz. It will increase cost and potentially lower yield, (which will also increase cost) but not a worldwide shutdown. Maybe there’s some fab out there somewhere that is already marginal that will close?
Roger that.
But how am I supposed to write an alarming article?
But how am I supposed to write an alarming article?
Just make some shit up, but make sure it is wrong.
Doommongers are often wrong. You wouldn’t want to break that track record.
Wouldn’t they just use a helicopter of they had to?
Let them all each other. Let Cthulhu sort them out.
I don’t know who needs to hear this and I don’t care if you don’t want to.
My son drove from KC to StL and back to get this for me just because he knew I liked it.
It’s from a Chipotle that is undergoing a reno. He would’ve gotten me the one from his original store, but it’s twice this size, and this one is massively heavy on its own. I can’t hang it because it’s so heavy and it’s got French cleats, which is the only real way to hang it, and my DIY days are over.
Awe! Nice
Aztec with a cell phone?
Remote control.
Burrito.
You can buy french cleats. I’ve made them but it’s easier just to go to HD.
Awesome.
Excellent!
Gotta give Al Jazeera credit. Unfiltered opinions/reporting from all sides. Minute ago, someone on about how Israel is trying to reach the Iranian people to rise up and now some professor at the University of Trehan on the dirty Israels better bow down!
For Kristin
My son drove from KC to StL and back to get this for me
Sounds like the driving lessons were a success. Cool sculpture. Do they have one in every restaurant? Is that their mascot?
My local Chipotle has the same piece. It would look great in a rec room or something, and will be a great throwback item in 10 years when all of the Chipotles have been remodeled.
That’s part of why this pleases me so much. Also, the car is a gas guzzler.
Let them all KILL each other. Let Cthulhu sort them out.
stupid fingers
a poor typeman blames his fingers
What did Kumala do this time?
Typo? Or no typo?
More on the strikes.
The video of the chief negotiator is something else. Fucking mafia.
Yep with the natural disaster in NC, good luck asshole having people on your side.
With roads wiped out across the southeast, shipping is now even more critical.
Local news about shutdown of Philly port neglected, of course, to mention the Union’s wage demands. There would be far less sympathy for them if their outrageous demands were widely known.
$5/hour per year raises for the length of the contract is completely reasonable. Banning any and all types of automation…completely sane.
The worst part is there are multiple strikes you could be talking about.
Not surprising, but DEI still rules in Hawaii. A former collaborator of mine at U of Hawai’i-Manoa is advertising for a new faculty position in the physics department; an excerpt from the job solicitation:
EEO/AA, Clery Act, ADA: The University of Hawai’i is an Equal Opportunity/Affirmative Action Institution and is committed to a policy of nondiscrimination on the basis of race, sex, gender identity and expression, age, religion, color, national origin, ancestry, citizenship, disability, genetic information, marital status, breastfeeding, income assignment for child support, arrest and court record (except as permissible under State law), sexual orientation, domestic or sexual violence victim status, national guard absence, or status as a covered veteran.
The UHM campus is dedicated to becoming a Native Hawaiian Place of Learning, a place that is responsive to Native Hawaiians and reflective of Indigenous Hawai‘i where all can learn, grow, connect, and heal. UHM is also a designated Truth, Racial Healing, and Transformation Campus Center.
Quite the mouthful. Hawai’i was all-in during the pandemic, with vaccine passports and the whole nine yards. Knowing my collaborator, he doesn’t believe in all the DEI nonsense; I’m sure the university requires all that in any job description.
It’s been a rough few days on the death front. Pete Rose, Kris Kristofferson, Dikembe Motumbo, now Frank from American Pickers.
Oh, and that Nasrallah guy.
Not Frank Fritz! I has a sad…
I thought the owner of The House of Motumbo was younger than that.
Question for those who know more than I (everybody): is duck duck go no longer a stand alone search tool? I just downloaded something which I thought was the ddg search engine, because I like it better than Brave, but I think l I just downloaded the ddg browser.
duck duck go uses Bing as its backend.
STEVE SMITH BING YOUR BACK END TOO!
Search engines are web based. DDG has branched out into browsers, and I believe there were rumblings of e-mail, VPN, and the like as well.
Garlic fest this weekend.
https://www.eastongarlicfest.com/
Guaranteed to be vampire free!
No, it was a couple of weeks back.
For P Brooks:
https://38.media.tumblr.com/cc40150ebbc37cac0b22d25de3c6966c/tumblr_ml2bfv0FSb1qgvdf9o1_500.gif
If the strike persists for more than a week, retailers could face shortages of certain goods (read: here), potentially sparking another wave of inflation.
This is one of my pet peeves. Not all price increases are inflation.
I had to reinforce the floor to support the weight of all the three-ring binders holding my pet peeves.
I just submitted a post, which has one in it, even.
A pet peeve, or a binder?
*adds Ted S. to pet peeve on hyperliteralism*
Gracias, Toxeth!
You mentioned golf clubs: that’s just after she has smugly broken one of his over her knee.
Tampon Timmy’s Tiananmen Truth Trumpeted
Ngl, I’m a little shocked to see this at CNN
China has long held a significant place in Walz’s life since he first traveled to the country in 1989. Walz and his wife, Gwen Walz, were married on June 4, 1994 – the fifth anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre and spent their honeymoon leading students in an educational trip to China, something Walz did regularly during his time as a teacher before joining Congress. Ahead of their wedding, Gwen Walz told the Nebraska-based Star-Herald newspaper that they planned to get married on the Tiananmen Square massacre anniversary because “he wanted to have a date he’ll always remember.”
Normal stuff.
So if he visited 30 times, that’s more than once a year. Who the hell paid for all that? Because flights to China aren’t cheap, and it’s not like he was making big bucks.
Ahead of their wedding, Gwen Walz told the Nebraska-based Star-Herald newspaper that they planned to get married on the Tiananmen Square massacre anniversary because “he wanted to have a date he’ll always remember.”
The man is fucking sick.
I’ve been saying that a lot lately. CNN isn’t 100% terrible anymore. They have one guy that actually pushes back on the Dem talking points too. Weird.
They are all terrible. Just the degree of how horrible.
99.8% terrible isn’t them on a path to redemption.
They rehired Stelter.
New conspiracy theory I just made up, feel free to spread:
FJB got Iran to attack today to distract from Walz at the debate tonight.
Nope. Too much pre orchestration, it’s at an organic point in the ongoing conflict as the proxies are being depleted and ground forces are rooting out the remnants.
There have been tweets claiming that the administration has been actively involved with giving Iran guidelines on how far they can go and still be willing to keep Israel from retaliating effectively.
Yes NA, it is a controlled burn. The catch is that Netanyahu doesnt seem to be on board with it.
All this chaos hurts Kamala. The strike, the floods, and Iran attacking are the kinds of events where you need a president to get on TV and at least look like he’s in charge. Kamala and Joe have been barely visible, and when they are, it’s short scripted appearances with no questions allowed. This looks terrible.
The video this morning showed Harris clearly uncomfortable was the press were being herded out of the conference room after asking the wrong question.
She has that “what the fuck have I gotten myself into” kind of look.
Most people whose ambitions exceed their talents manage to flame out in relatively low profile positions.
Harris is going to be the biggest flameout in history.
But she’s more “likeable” than her opponent according to the polls.
She failed up her entire career just like Biden did. This is what happens to people who run in safe districts and never have to deal with any real opposition. With any luck you’re right and she will flame out.
As long as she doesn’t take the rest of us with her. 🔥😳🔥
https://www.engadget.com/transportation/jeep-recalls-194000-plug-in-hybrids-due-to-fire-risks-150059282.html
L O L.
Oopsie.
Inconvenient.
Oh well that’s ok then. If it’s “imminent” I won’t worry about burning the garage down.
“If it’s “imminent” I won’t worry about burning the garage down.”
Well, they did advise you not to park it in your garage, so . . . .
The obvious dumbest idea since the square wheel is dumb and obvious.
John Amos, actor in groundbreaking TV roles, dies at 84
He played the stoic patriarch in “Good Times” and the adult Kunta Kinte in the miniseries “Roots.” He was also a fast-food entrepreneur in “Coming to America.”
https://www.washingtonpost.com/obituaries/2024/10/01/john-amos-dead/
Love that guy. RIP.
Damn, damn, damn. (Sorry.)
“My buns have no seeds.”
James!
“I saw something recently in which some political analyst was speculating on Mayor Petey’s political future. As if Mayor Petey actually has one”
Put a (D) after his name, and 40% of people voting will choose him.
And how much higher he rises depends on how well he takes orders. I think he can take orders.
Funny that we were just discussing how desperate the deep state has been to get a war with Iran…
I wonder what happens next? Biden clearly doesn’t call the shots. They don’t even tell Kamala what they are doing.
So who is in charge? Is this the Blinken, Kerry, etc folks just running things?
Once upon a while back I asked for explanations about why dictators say absurd things. I was very satisfied with the answer someone here gave in the form of a quote:
“When people are forced to remain silent when they are being told the most obvious lies, or even worse when they are forced to repeat the lies themselves, they lose once and for all their sense of probity. To assent to obvious lies is to co-operate with evil, and in some small way to become evil oneself. One’s standing to resist anything is thus eroded, and even destroyed. A society of emasculated liars is easy to control.” – Theodore Dalrymple
There are 57 genders
Children know if they are the wrong sex before they are born
Masks reduct disease transmissions
Donal Trump is worse than Hitler
Global warming will end the world as we know it any minute now
The vaccines are safe and effective
You must drive an electric car to save the planet
We must transition to a net zero economy
There is a secret cabal of white supremacists behind every bush
The foreign invaders are just looking for a better life and freedom
Disarming the public will make them safer
Hate speech is not free speech
Space aliens are here, the proof is always just out of sight or being hidden
The list goes on and on and a million absurd lies sprung from each one of those.
It was here all along right in front of our nose and I haven’t heard anyone say it much out loud. Of course we complained about each lie but the overall pattern? The outright success of mass brainwashing on a mass scale?
Maybe one? Some guy who said we are living in 1930’s Germany but I dont remember who.