Woke Charmed Tudors: Episode 4

by | Oct 3, 2024 | Woke Charmed | 84 comments

Hello and welcome to my hell, I mean, Woke Charmed Tudors (a.k.a. My Lady Pain) episode 4! Tedious feminism, convoluted plots (that have utterly diverged from the book, not to mention history, leading me to have no clue what’s going on), unnecessary licensed music, and utter depravity—this episode has it all!

As you may recall, the last episode ended with Jane learning she’s been declared Queen, and this episode picks up right where it left off. Jane and her consort, Ratty Healey (a.k.a. Life-Sized Peter Dinklage, a.k.a. Guildford Dudley) are borne to the palace on an opulent litter while a (lesbian?) (feminist?) all-female Led Zeppelin cover band wails “Kashmir” at us. A grudging Lord Seymour presents Jane with her new royal headpiece. Jane places the crown upon her her head, and the show’s new title card appears: My QUEEN Jane.

Mythelina, voice laden with vocal fry: “YAAAASSSSSSSS! YASSSSSSS KWEEEEN SLAAAAY, as I’m sipping my pumpkin spice latte.”

(She was indeed sipping a pumpkin spice latte, but was at least self-aware enough to note the irony.)

(I wish I had voice recorded this, because transcribing it is not doing it justice.)

(This is a theme that’s going to come up multiple times throughout this episode. This really is a show that could do with the RiffTrax treatment.)

Jane enters the court for her first audience as Queen. As you can imagine, Princess Mary takes this very well and does not do anything to draw immediate attention to her murderous intentions.

Standing in the corner hissing from behind pieces of furniture is perfectly normal, okay?

Side note about this actress: The spitty way she talks and her constant sneers have made Mythelina decide that, in developing her character, this actress decided the way to go was to imitate Emily Wallbank imitating Draco Malfoy, and frankly, this is so spot-on that clearly this is truth, no alternative theories will be accepted at this time.

Jane, however—the brightest witch of her age—is oblivious to Mary’s, um… attitude issues. She’s got a lot on her mind, after all. She’s got a hot husband whom she desperately wants to bang, but cannot, for it would be unfeminist of her to ever show interest in a penis. So she almost jumps him again, recoils, runs away, and decides that she’s going to find new purpose in her life by searching for Edward’s (the black gay ex-King of England) murderer.

Have you tried looking in the corner where that hissing noise is coming from???

You may recall that Seymour previously tried to set Lord Dudley (Ratty’s dad) up for this, but Jane finds these claims spurious. She is, after all, the brightest witch of her age. So she devises a unique and unheard of method of determining the truth: She separates the witnesses and questions them to see if their stories line up. She’s a genius! The testimony of the cook does not line up, thus proving that she did not see Lord Dudley slipping poison into Edward’s food. Realizing she’s caught, the cook turns herself into a rabbit and tries to flee. She, uh, doesn’t get very far, though.

Seymour quickly announces that the murderer must have been the cook, justice has been done, so Edward’s death is water under the bridge! But Jane, the brightest witch of her age, is suspicious. Convenient, wasn’t this? Perhaps toooooo convenient? Hmmmm… 🤔

Seymour, meanwhile, is also suspicious. Where is it, exactly, that the Queen’s husband Ratty keeps disappearing to every day, hmm? Why does he keep going in the stables all the time, hmmm? Why did he dismiss all the old royal stablehands and bring in his own, hmmmm??

He comes so close, guys. He comes so close.

I really lost it at this line because how did they know? Surely they aren’t just acknowledging their leading man is a rodent? Surely! And yet, here they are. Just handing it to me.

Likewise, Princess Mary is absolutely not here for Jane Sodding Grey being Queen. So she’s going to take matters into her own hands, courtesy of Seymour’s Ethian torture dungeon. She finds an Ethian who conveniently can turn into a black adder. (Not to be confused with a Blackadder.) She offers him his freedom if he’ll just be so kind as to bite the current Queen of England while in snake form.

Then, with her snakessassin safely contained within a box, she goes to Princess Bess and blackmails her into delivering the snake to Jane. You see, Mary knows that Bess is the one who stole the will out of the chancery. She figured it out because bsfjsaflkafbff. What was that? You know, djaklscfahsv. The reason. It’s perfectly clear, okay?? Stop nattering on!

Anyway, Bess agrees to Mary’s demands despite her convictions, because

I’m sorry, guys, this scene was just so fucking funny, I can’t. She’s “holding a knife to the dog’s throat” and the dog is just sitting there smiling the whole time

Anyway, Bess, desperate to keep pfffffffffft

Bess, desperate to keep Mary from killing her dog, agrees to deliver the deadly snake to Queen Jane.

(Also, the scene literally shows Mary in the room before Bess opens the door and the dog is just sitting there in her lap before she puts the knife to her throat. The dog is supposed to be an Ethian but she’s not even growling or struggling lmao)

Over in Jane’s royal apartments, the Queen and… so, are her sisters princesses now or what? Anyway, the royal sisters are playing dress-up and jumping on the bed. I would like to remind you that the middle sister is recently widowed, as in, like, yesterday, and the youngest sister is the killer. But they’re just kids, okay? They’re playing dress-up.

This show cannot make its mind up about how old that middle sister is supposed to be. Is she sixteen or is she eleven? STOP ASKING QUESTIONS

Princess Bess interrupts the frivolities to deliver her “gift.” Jane invites her in to play idk chess or backgammon or Chinese checkers or something. Old Maid, maybe. Fitting, considering the real Queen Elizabeth was an old m— That was a very unfeminist thought, self! Ten points from Hufflepuff.

Bess and Jane have a thirty second conversation about how Edward was nice or whatever. Jane reminisces about how they played knights and dragons or something. Jane always won, of course. Bess realizes she can’t just kill her! So she takes the snake box away. Ten points to Gryffindor.

After Bess leaves, Ratty comes to the door to warn Jane about how he almost got busted by Seymour, who recognizes his inner rodent. Jane, who, like Taylor Swift, thirsts after rat dick, is seduced. She once again begins ripping his clothes off before, ONCE AGAIN, changing her mind. As a good male feminist, Ratty of course recognizes this was his own fault—he should have known better than to be so verminish and attractive!—and apologizes, leaving Jane alone with blue… okay, I asked the internet what the female version of blue balls is and I’m sorry that I did, so let’s just leave it at blue balls.

Will they or won’t they~ OF COURSE THEY WON’T

Outside the palace, Bess releases the adder, which she thinks is a real snake. So imagine her shock when the snake turns into a bedraggled peasant, yells “SMELL YA LATER,” and runs away. She hasn’t had a chance to recover from this shock, however, before Petunia turns her own self into a human while she’s at it.

As Bess recovers from her heart attack, Petunia informs her that she recognizes that Bess has a pure heart. Because of that, she will warn Bess of all the shenanigans Mary and Seymour have been up to. She also informs her that her great-grandmother is alive (we covered this in episode 1, I don’t blame you for forgetting but this will be important later so do try to keep up) and urges her to flee to Granny’s house for safety, before Mary tries to kill her too.

Meanwhile, Jane, the brightest witch of her age, has finally begun to suspect that maybe Seymour and Mary might have had something to do with her cousin’s death?! So, like a proper sleuth, she begins to gather evidence. She sneaks into Seymour’s office to rummage through his papers, but everything of importance seems to be locked away in his desk. Before she can find the key to unlock it, Seymour returns.

But you can’t outfox a fox…y feminist? So Jane devises a clever plan: She’ll distract Seymour with an opulent dinner at court, while her sisters sneak in spy-style and search for the key. They are also unable to find the key, probably because Seymour keeps his keys with him like a normal person, but that’s okay! The little one is perfectly comfortable with doing crime. She jimmies the lock and absconds with the goods.

Also at the dinner:

  • A minstrel plays “Wild Thing” on a lute for ambience.
  • Lady Frances stands up to give a toast in honor of Queen Jane, wherein she congratulates her own self for raising The First Waman Queen Ever as a single mother. You may have forgotten this show is feminist—I know, it doesn’t come up often—but don’t worry, we’ll remind you.
  • Mary tries to eliminate Jane with a pellet of poison in a chalice from the palace. If you know what I’m talking about, you’ll know that this goes exceedingly well and there are no mixups whatsoever.
  • Stan Dudley, besotted by strong female single mothers, continues to get Lady Frances to notice him while Lady Frances continues to dismiss him annoyedly.

But Stan’s not giving up, okay? His love for Frances is pure! So, undaunted, that evening, he pulls a move that is well known to never miss.

100% effectiveness rate!

Listen. Stan Dudley is a treasure. He is too good for this cursed show.

Frances storms downstairs to tell Stan to bugger off. Stan refuses to bugger. For he loves her! And he will prove his love with a grand gesture of chivalry: He asks Frances to be his lady wife.

Frances is like bro wtf no

Stan is like but why not?! I would make a great husband!

Frances is like if you were such great husband material, I would have picked you to marry Jane instead of your brother, ooohhhhhhh scorchpow!

And Stan is like oh yeah?? You think Ratty’s so great, but he’s just a hors—oh shit

Womp womppppppp

Oh, Stan. Stan, Stan, Stan.

While Stan is serenading his disinterested cougar (but not an actual cougar because she’s not a bloody Ethian, okay?), Ratty and Jane (yes, Jane is still alive, you’ll be shocked to learn that the pellet with the poison plan didn’t work) are in the stable decrypting the letters that were in Seymour’s top secret file. Luckily for us, Jane was a Navajo Code Talker in the war. It’s not important, don’t ask.

To their shock, they discover that these encoded correspondences were not subterfuge, but… love letters! Graphic love letters 🤮 between Seymour and his Malfoy princess. But in one of them, Mary made a reference to Seymour’s Florentine widowmaker. Ratty, being a stupid and low IQ man, childishly thinks that this is a reference to Seymour’s pecker. But Jane, wise and womynly, knows that “Florentine widowmaker” is actually another name for aqua tofana. Armed with that knowledge, if she can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

Jane departs the stables so that her rat become a rat-with-hooves in peace, only to find Mary waiting for her in the gardens outside. Mary asks what she was doing in the stables at this hour. Jane says she likes the smell of horse when she can’t sleep, okay? Mary says oh yeah well where’s your husband?

Jane, the brightest witch of her age, is utterly stumped by this question. But she can’t let Mary go into the stables and see Ratty transform. So she just blurts out

“I know you killed Edward, I’ve got the letters to prove it, niener niener”

Mary handles this revelation well.

Jane, overcome by Mary’s raw manic power, does absolutely nothing to resist this attack.

Mythelina: “Why can’t she girlboss her way out of Mary attacking her unarmed if she was able to girlboss her way out of Jasper and Horace attacking her with swords? I thought she was the strongest fighter in the kingdom!”

There is a simple answer to that, Mythelina. And the answer is STOP ASKING QUESTIONS

So, after just eating the letter, so much for your proof, Mary then strangles Jane and leaves her for dead on the palace lawn.

Ratty, not knowing any of this has occurred, remains in the stable, where, by the dawn’s early light, he transforms from a horsy-rat into a ratty-horse. Good thing Jane distracted Mary long enough that his secret is able to remain a secret, oh wait, Stan opened his big mouth, didn’t he

And this episode isn’t done with us yet! Because it has one more big, major, mid-season secret to reveal on a cliffhanger except I think this whole series dropped in one batch so there was no cliff to be hung from!

I will leave you with a direct quote from the narrator himself (yes, the narrator of this feminist show is a dude for some reason, and also the subtitles call him “Author” which is hilarious because this book was written by three women):

So, Frances knows Guildford’s secret. Mary knows Jane knows Mary’s secret. And I have a secret, too. An intentional obfuscation for the purposes of elevated intrigue; or, in layman’s terms, a twist. Because Edward… IS ALIVE

ALIVE!!!!!

Mythelina: “Wtf was his voice there??”

(Seriously, guys, if you have Prime, humor me and put on this episode and watch the last five minutes, it is so over the top. The screaming, the strangling, and then the narrator’s voice, it’s too much. I would have recorded it for you but I’m too technically retarded.)

Anyway, uh… EDWARD IS ALIVE!!!! WHA???!?! WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED THIS?! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?! Stay tuned to find out~

About The Author

Mythical Libertarian Woman

Mythical Libertarian Woman

Who is MLW? The people of the local village only speak of her in whispers and fear. They say she lives up on the mountain, consorting with all manner of spirits. Children are warned never to approach her cabin for fear of being eaten. At times the women of the village will leave offerings and requests to her, hoping she will beckon the power of the Dark Gods to do their bidding. On every Hallow's Eve, a single child is left chained to a rock near her dwelling, in the hopes that such an offering will please her and remove the village from her ire.

84 Comments

  1. The Late P Brooks

    Standing in the corner hissing from behind pieces of furniture is perfectly normal, okay?

    Was her tail puffed up like a football?

  2. UnCivilServant

    That helmet looks too sizes too small. There should be space for padding under the metal.

    • Sensei

      We all know this show was aiming to be as close to historically accurate as possible. Amazing they missed that detail.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m just waiting for the historically accurate decapitation of Jane before Mary marries the King of Spain.

  3. Nephilium

    I object. Horses have some utility. It’s deer that are rats with hooves.

  4. The Late P Brooks

    (Seriously, guys, if you have Prime, humor me and put on this episode and watch the last five minutes, it is so over the top. The screaming, the strangling, and then the narrator’s voice, it’s too much. I would have recorded it for you but I’m too technically retarded.)

    You can’t fool me. There ain’t no Sanity Claus.

    • UnCivilServant

      Public execution of FAA officials, followed by those of the FEMA grunts

    • EvilSheldon

      You’ve never seen pettiness until you’ve seen the bureaucracy in “action.”

    • kinnath

      https://tfr.faa.gov/save_pages/detail_4_4191.html

      A. ALL ACFT OPS WI THE 10NM RADIUS AREA(S) LISTED ABV, KNOWN AS THE INNER CORE(S), ARE PROHIBITED EXC FOR: APPROVED LAW ENFORCEMENT, MIL ACFT DIRECTLY SUPPORTING THE UNITED STATES SECRET SERVICE(USSS) AND THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, APPROVED AIR AMBULANCE FLIGHTS, AND REGULARLY SCHEDULED COMMERCIAL PAX AND ALL – CARGO CARRIERS OPR UNDER ONE OF THE FOLLOWING TSA – APPROVED STANDARD SECURITY PROGRAMS / PROC AND ARE ARR INTO AND / OR DEP FM 14 CFR PART 139 AP: ACFT OPR STANDARD SECURITY PROGRAM(AOSSP), FULL ALL – CARGO ACFT OPR STANDARD SECURITY PROGRAM(FACAOSSP), MODEL SECURITY PROGRAM(MSP), TWELVE FIVE STANDARD SECURITY PROGRAM ALL CARGO(TFSSP – ALL CARGO), OR ALL – CARGO INTERNATIONAL SECURITY PROC(ACISP). ALL EMERGENCY / LIFE SAVING FLT(MEDICAL / LAW ENFORCEMENT / FIREFIGHTING) OPS MUST COORDINATE WITH ATC PRIOR TO THEIR DEP AT 904-845-1537 TO AVOID POTENTIAL DELAYS.

      B. FOR OPS WI THE AIRSPACE BTN THE 10NM RADIUS AND 30NM RADIUS AREA(S) LISTED ABV, KNOWN AS THE OUTER RING(S): ALL ACFT OPR WI THE OUTER RING(S) LISTED ABV ARE LIMITED TO ACFT ARR OR DEP LOCAL AIRFIELDS, AND WORKLOAD PERMITTING, ATC MAY AUTHORIZE TRANSIT OPS. ACFT MAY NOT LOITER. ALL ACFT MUST BE ON AN ACT IFR OR FILED VFR FLT PLAN WITH A DISCRETE CODE ASSIGNED BY AN AIR TFC CTL (ATC) FAC. ACFT MUST BE SQUAWKING THE DISCRETE CODE PRIOR TO DEP AND AT ALL TIMES WHILE IN THE TFR AND MUST REMAIN IN TWO-WAY RADIO COM WITH ATC.

      • UnCivilServant

        Like I said.

        Public execution of FAA officials,

        Fear is the only thing they understand.

      • kinnath

        Issue Date : October 03, 2024 at 0126 UTC
        Location : Tallahassee, Florida
        Beginning Date and Time : October 03, 2024 at 1415 UTC
        Ending Date and Time : October 03, 2024 at 2100 UTC
        Reason for NOTAM : Temporary flight restrictions for VIP Movement
        Type : VIP

        VP fucking up the world with her photo opportunities

      • UnCivilServant

        Who gives a crap, let her fly commercial.

  5. Sensei

    Breaking… Breaking… CNBC here at work reporting… Breaking….

    McDonald’s. CHICKEN BIG MAC.

    I’m sure Chick-fil-A is feeling threatened.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      The unions can’t ruin everything.

  6. R C Dean

    “people keep trying to kill her”

    And understandably so.

  7. EvilSheldon

    “This really is a show that could do with the RiffTrax treatment.”

    Well? I seem to remember a YouTube channel idea sometime in the mists of the past…

    “Jane places the crown upon her her head,…”

    I’d appreciate the Napoleon Bonaparte reference, if I thought that the showrunners were historically literate enough to be making one.

    “And Stan is like oh yeah?? You think Ratty’s so great, but he’s just a hors—oh shit…”

    I would have hoped that Ratty had either a compliant stable boy, or a favorite pony, in place as a cover story.

    Seriously. This show has been tiptoeing around the whole transfur bestality thing for long enough, it’s time to rip that Band-Aid right off!

    • UnCivilServant

      Seriously. This show has been tiptoeing around the whole transfur bestality thing for long enough, it’s time to rip that Band-Aid right off!

      What is the ethics of that when it comes to shapeshifters?

      • EvilSheldon

        For that, I have to refer back to the Order of Druids in my current 5E campaign. The first two rules in the Green Book*:

        1.) Don’t ask.
        2.) If you ask, you’re blackballed from the Order. If you do, we burn you at the stake.

        * – The Order of Druids in my world is sort of a cross between the trad IRA and Earth First.

      • UnCivilServant

        Your order has no power here.

        The question has been raised.

  8. The Late P Brooks

    “A NOTAM has been issued by the FAA that won’t allow anyone not approved by the state to fly aid missions.”

    Black market rescue missions! We’d rather see you perish.

  9. The Late P Brooks

    Sensei- thanks for that wind tunnel video. Next time one of his vids pops up I’ll probably watch it.

    • Sensei

      No problem!

  10. The Late P Brooks

    And her asshole tastes like a hot fudge sundae!

    Kamala Harris, surveying the wreckage of Hurricane Helene in a swing state on Wednesday, offered a glimpse of how she might fulfill the role of consoler-in-chief.

    Against a backdrop of felled trees in Augusta, Georgia, the vice president telegraphed solidarity as she spoke about the assistance the administration is providing to communities devastated by the severe weather that tore through the southeastern United States last weekend. She thanked local emergency responders for stepping up, even as their homes and communities have been destroyed.

    The Democratic nominee’s approach offered a stark contrast to the overtly political posture Donald Trump took during his visit to Valdosta, Georgia earlier this week, when he accused President Joe Biden and his administration for failing to deliver the aid needed by the community. It’s a sentiment even the state’s Republican governor did not share, and during her visit on Wednesday, Harris praised Gov. Brian Kemp for his leadership.

    How can you go through life with no self respect whatsoever?

    • Suthenboy

      I think Evil Sheldon alleged yesterday that 95% of humans are NPCs. Some of the run for president, some of them write for Politico.

      Notice that no one has published anything detailing the government response to serious disasters. Go back to the last dozen major ones.
      I saw last night the Helene victims will be getting their 700 dollar checks and forgotten. People from Maui wave enthusiastically.

      • Sensei

        Being in NYC during 9/11 made me come to the conclusion that FedGov is useless in emergencies.

      • EvilSheldon

        Wasn’t me, but I do agree.

      • PieInTheSky

        I said that but someone else might have also

  11. The Late P Brooks

    Her remarks, which did not mention Trump, followed a briefing from local officials at the Augusta Emergency Operations Center. She also met with affected families and business owners and visited a distribution center where she handed out food. The Augusta events were coordinated through the White House, not her campaign.

    Definitely not a campaign related event. I’m sure she whipped out her checkbook and scribbled out a big fat donation while she was there.

    • Chipping Pioneer

      No, you’re thinking of Michelle Obama. She’s the one who whips it out.

  12. DEG

    She once again begins ripping his clothes off before, ONCE AGAIN, changing her mind. As a good male feminist, Ratty of course recognizes this was his own fault—he should have known better than to be so verminish and attractive!

    When I think of male feminists, the first thing I think of is, “This is a man that abuses women.” So when I read this, I think Ratty isn’t a very good male feminist since he didn’t rape her.

    • Mythical Libertarian Woman

      Excellent point, especially since this show already established that no one with a penis can be a feminist. The word I should have used is simp. I even had the perfect meme to go with it…

      • DEG

        Simp fits perfectly for him.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      With today’s redefined masculinity he has permission to slap her. Thanks, Doug.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    Excellent point, especially since this show already established that no one with a penis can be a feminist. The word I should have used is simp. I even had the perfect meme to go with it…

    He just needs to prove himself worthy of her. You don’t do that by thinking yourself her equal.

    • UnCivilServant

      I don’t think he has committed a crime terrible enough to be worthy of that punishment.

    • UnCivilServant

      That just proves Michelin Stars are not worth the tires they’re made from.

  14. juris imprudent

    all-female Led Zeppelin cover band

    So that’s what Heart is up to these days.

      • kinnath

        Zepperella

      • juris imprudent

        Heart originally started as a Zep cover band in Seattle. Used to work with their original drummer.

      • kinnath

        Everybody gotta start some place.

      • Mythical Libertarian Woman

        Wasn’t Zepperella, it was Lez Zeppelin. Hence why I think maybe lesbian?

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Meanwhile, Joe Biden and the governor of North Carolina are putting on a news conference.
    That’s what I call getting things done.

    • The Other Kevin

      I’m sure there will be lots of pointed questions from hostile reporters demanding answers about the delays. Oh wait, got my calendar set to the wrong year again.

  16. PieInTheSky

    I should see one episode of this but could not bring myself to do it yet

  17. juris imprudent

    A minstrel plays “Wild Thing” on a lute for ambience.

    [John McEnroe exasperation] You have got to be kidding me! [/JMe]

    • Nephilium

      Hey, remember when everyone loved A Knight’s Tale for doing We Will Rock you?

      Totally the same thing, right?

      • kinnath

        Well, A Knight’s Tale was actually good. So not the same thing

      • Nephilium

        Toxteth/Tundra:

        I have a love for covers that make big changes to the original music. Hence, I have a soft spot in my heart for Moulin Rouge!

      • Tundra

        Neph: I agree. I was surprised how much I enjoyed that one.

    • SDF-7

      Sorry, 12 Monkeys (the TV version) already knocked this concept out of the park….

  18. MikeS

    A sectional for sale, waaay to local. But the sign on the wall made me chuckle.

    • Tundra

      I still can’t believe the show exists and that she’s brave enough to watch it.

      • Tundra

        Lol.

        Juuuuuust a bit outside!

  19. juris imprudent

    Armed with that knowledge, if she can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

    Have you considered a career in screenwriting?

    there was no cliff to be hung from

    Ah but for the Heath in Wuthering Heights? But that’s unfeministly isn’t it?

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Anachronistic soundtracks are totally legit! What about that knight movie? And the one about Marie Antoinette?

    • UnCivilServant

      Marie cosplays as Joan d’Arc?

    • juris imprudent

      I don’t think Pitch Meeting could do this one, never able to keep a straight face.

  21. MikeS

    Somehow I missed this series! I need to get caught up. Thanks for doing these MLW, you’re great at it. Maybe we can all chip in to a fund for the therapy you’ll need because of it.

  22. Certified Public Asshat

    We don’t need AI on docks. We need good jobs. NAFTA and every offshoring treaty lowered quality of life. We hate money for 500,000 Haitians. Pay the dock workers what they want.— Cernovich (@Cernovich) October 3, 2024

    If you didn’t know how smart Cernovich is, he will tell you.

    • Tundra

      Nuking my X account had many benefits, but not seeing that fuckwit all over the place is right up there.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        He can tweet gold, but sifting for it is tedious.

        I mean if he wants jobz, why not unload ships with hand trucks?

  23. The Bearded Hobbit

    Thanks for both watching it and writing up afterward, MLW. Always a treat.

  24. Sensei

    NYT being the NYT.

    Why Owning (and Buying) a Florida Condo Has ‘Turned Into a Nightmare’

    Ten years ago, Howard and Sheila Konetz bought themselves a Florida dream: an 1,820-square-foot condo in a leafy gated community north of Miami, complete with access to a country club, tennis courts and swimming pools. The $478,500 purchase would usher them into blissful semiretirement, they thought…

    Suddenly, the Konetzes found themselves facing a $224,000 bill — their share of a special assessment to renovate and repair their 36-year-old building. Unable to secure a loan or sell the unit, the couple now fear bankruptcy.

    Read through over 80% of the article.

    The total bill, which includes charges for the building and the surrounding master community, amounts to $11.4 million. While not all the items are critical, such as landscaping, the couple must still pay the full $224,000 bill to comply with the association’s rules. They can pay it down in one lump sum, offer one-third and pay the rest in installments, or pay it in 240 installments with interest.

    So roughly $1,000/month assuming interest. OK – still not good for grandma, but they didn’t expect her to come with almost a quarter million. But you wouldn’t want to dilute the narrative, right?

    https://www.nytimes.com/2024/10/03/realestate/miami-condo-collapse-buying-selling.html

    • R C Dean

      My HOA owns and maintains the roads. About every 3 – 5 years, they get recoated (I guess, don’t know the technical term), which moderately expensive. About every 15 – 20 years, they get seriously redone, which is quite expensive. We keep a sinking fund, and pay modest annual assessments, to prevent exactly this scenario of trying to extract tens of thousands of dollars in one go from the residents at the time. Any condo or HOA that doesn’t do it this way is guilty of negligence, at the least.

      • Sensei

        FL dropped a high-rise inspection and remediation law after that awful collapse. This is the result.

        I agree the HOAs should have some kind of catastrophe fund, but even including that this was likely well outside what they considered.

      • kinnath

        Our HOA owns the well system that services the 17 lots. We put in money every month to cover the electricity to run the wells and build up enough money to replace the wells when they wear out (they last 10-15 years). We keep enough in the account to replace two wells back to back.

      • Tundra

        Chipseal, I believe. And I agree completely –

    • creech

      They ignored reading the HOA docs and fins before they bought their dream condo.

    • kinnath

      The surveillance state has been here for some time. Now, individuals can do the same thing.

      The solution is face coverings or makeup that defeats facial recognition . . . which the deep state will make illegal in 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . .

      • kinnath

        Oh and . . . stay the fuck off social media

    • Timeloose

      PKD predicted the need for a scramble suit to hide your public persona. Now it seems like a good idea or at least keeping your likeness off publicly accessible sites. Most kids are fuxed as they grew up with it and are not afraid to plaster themselves all over social media. As a teen today, if your parents were stupid about privacy, there are pictures of you as a baby or on a toilet, in the bath, with a screwed up haircut etc. As a teen you and your friends have been posting images of you your whole life. Good luck kids!!

      • Nephilium

        There’s a reason I preferred the pseudo-anonymity of the olden days.

        /shakes fist at kids live streaming their lives and not understanding that the Truman Show was supposed to be a warning, not an aspiration.

  25. R.J.

    I’m here at the end. Busy day! I hope to read this later.