I, Soldier – part 30

by | Nov 4, 2024 | Fiction | 126 comments

I found a way to balance the typewriter on my torso so that I could work while lying in bed rather than hunched over in a chair. The famous composer Rossini was extraordinarily lazy and wrote music in bed. Once he accidentally dropped the sheet he’d been working on onto the floor, and not wanting to get out of bed to pick it up, decided that part of the overture wasn’t so great anyway, and started over. Later, a friend picked up the sheet and returned it to him. Rossini turned it into a completely different piece. Laziness and creativity often go together. I like to say that efficiency is merely intelligent laziness.

Once while typing in bed, the scent of mushroom and anchovy pizza filled my nostrils. I was compelled to get up and investigate. The pizza box was open on the kitchen table and a small fan was near it and blowing in the direction of the room I’d just left. Taped to the fan was a note that said:


Ha!

-Alexandra


She planned that operation with military precision. I felt lucky to have such a wife.

Things were a bit tense on election night. We decided to watch the results come in at home with a few of our campaign staff. We were a bit below 50% at first, and as the hours went by, we inched closer and closer to victory. A few minutes after midnight, it was announced that we’d won. Catherine was asleep, so we couldn’t get too rowdy. We toasted with champagne, chatted for a bit, and bid our guests farewell.

“Well, the hard part’s over, my dear. Congrats. Now the real fun can begin. Also, I’d like to quit my NSA job.”

“Permission granted”, she said with an imperious wave of her hand.

A few months later, she was sworn in along with the other congress critters elected the previous November. It was cold, and I had little Cathy all bundled up as I held her. Fortunately, the cold weather meant no one wanted to give long speeches, and the ceremony finished quickly. Then it was off to view Alexandra’s office and her actual seat in the Capitol.

It was amusing watching Alexandra plop down in her office chair. She looked she had just been crowned empress of China. I took a souvenir photo of her at her seat in the House of Representatives. Later I displayed on my bedside nightstand so I could look at it when I was writing.

We returned to her office to plan our next moves, literally and figuratively. I suggested we move from Fort Meade to a nearby apartment. There’s a lot to be said for having a short commute. We’d soon be living in the big city. She was more interested in expanding her influence.

“OK, Napoleon. What’s next?”

“You need to become a ranking member on a committee or two. The more the better, really. The Appropriations Committee is the most important in terms of spending, but the Defense Committee or the Foreign Relations Committee are also good. To get on a committee, you need to start networking with both like-minded representatives and moderates on the other side of the aisle. The basic game is: vote for my stuff and I’ll vote for your stuff. Lobbyists will come by once in a while. The trick to avoiding corruption charges is to never ask them for anything. If they want to wine and dine you, great, but don’t squeeze them for anything. It’s an easy game to win as long as you do little and do it slowly. Move too fast and you’ll make enemies. Our money worries are over anyway.”

“How do you plan on keeping busy?”

“Mostly, I’ll be staying home and taking care of Cathy. And I’ll keep writing. I thought about getting into journalism, but I’d prefer to avoid accusations of a conflict of interest. I think I’ll stick writing short fiction and maybe writing the occasional article on military matters for a think tank.”

“Should we have more kids?”

“I think at least one more. Call me a genetic chauvinist if you want, but I’d like to have a son.”

“He’ll be a great man if he turns out anything like you. Even if he does talk like a dork.”

“I can’t argue that. We should talk more about what you plan on doing.”

This was always the best way to get her good side. She loved talking about her plans.

“Let’s order some food and eat it here. What are you thinking?”

“Pizza or Chinese.”

“Why not both?”

“Even better. In anticipation of this moment, I did some recon”, I said as I handed her two takeout menus with the phone numbers and what I wanted circled. She called the places, and it was amusing to hear her confirm several times that yes, she wanted it delivered to the Capitol. I decided to wait for the food on the Capitol steps as Alexandra and Cathy warmed up inside. It was the sort of weather that me thankful for having a beard and long hair. As I sat on the steps, I admired the Washington Monument in the distance. The flags around its base were illuminated. I hadn’t felt patriotic for a while, but that sight nearly moved me to tears. The two delivery guys came almost simultaneously. I paid them both and returned to Alexandra’s office with the feast.

She was breast-feeding Cathy when I arrived. “The best eat first” she said when I walked in. I had forgotten to bring any milk for Cathy. Fortunately, Mother Nature provided an alternative.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

126 Comments

    • Grummun

      Those were pretty funny.

  1. Don escaped Memphis

    Anybody who unnecessarily passes on the right or lingers in the left lane on a highway should be a felon

    amen

    • Ownbestenemy

      Agreed. Though judgment must be had if the left lane lingerer can see something ahead of you and remains in said lane to continue at a comfortable rate in which you are passing the right lane.

    • SarumanTheGreat

      Please define ‘unnecessarily’.

      I often ‘linger’ in the passing lane, usually when there the cars I’m passing are space out enough that it’s a bother to to right-left-right-left. But once I hit a clear stretch I move to the right to let the Impatient Ones zoom by.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I think that falls into the realm of necessary.

    • creech

      Any reading of these tea leaves: Dixville Notch voters cast 3 for Trump and 3 for Harris.? They were unanimous for Biden in 2020.

      • rhywun

        Shut ‘er down. Landslide incoming.

      • DEG

        It’s in line with what I’ve been thinking.

        NH could go either way for president.

        NH goes Democrat for both congressional districts.

        NH stays firmly in the hands of Republicans at the state level.

        Hart’s Location and Millsfield used to also have midnight voting, but have stopped.

  2. dbleagle

    There’s a Glib-esque movie on TCM tonight- “Lonely Are the Brave.” It is set in NM and follows a cowboy that wants to help a friend and to be let alone and the sheriff who pursues him.

  3. Ownbestenemy

    Should be an interesting couple of days. Always enjoy your musings and writings Derpy.

    Joe Rogan just dropped his endorsement.
    Elon has a huge SpaceX following and a lot of that is I believe GenX and younger.
    Libertarians see Elon and Ron Paul chummy
    Tulsi bringing in the GenX ‘I wanna tap that’ vote
    RFK might siphon his followers over

    I guess if you have a lineup like that and the country or the counting picks Kamala, its head down, insulate my family even more and get back to work. Well, I will be doing that anyway if Trumpy wins too.

    • slumbrew

      Tulsi bringing in the GenX ‘I wanna tap that’ vote

      Guilty. But I’m still suspicious of her alleged conversion on the 2A.

      • R C Dean

        What would it take to convince you, slum?

      • UnCivilServant

        Getting a repeal of the NFA passed.

    • Ownbestenemy

      GWOT vets are at that prime age where they reliably vote AND have kids that just passed the threshold of joining the military (well, +3 years like my oldest, +1 for youngest). Huge motivator to select someone who has been at least pretty consistent on not starting new wars.

      My wish list? Come Jan, Trump calls for a joint session of Congress and makes them put their votes on the table for all foreign deployments in ‘hot zones’ as a declaration of war. I know, ain’t gonna happen, but more heads would explode.

  4. rhywun

    OT… I was wondering about this during some travels around the area after my recent move to Sticksville. Just 30 miles or so to the Interstate and I saw it a couple dozen times.

    I had thought it must be something political but perhaps not. I lived in Big City for decades and never saw this; I grew up in a nearby area but never noticed it when I was a kid.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Huh…we also have questions about the ‘quilt-boxes’ on barns. Though those are much more benign to your story.

      • rhywun

        What’s a quilt-box?

        Anyway, none of the stars I saw were on barns. They were on houses facing the road – some old, some new. Some of these have barns in various stages of ruin some distance behind them, most do not.

      • rhywun

        But anyway, I love the “Americana” aspect of this stuff.

      • rhywun

        All over Kentucky

        Oh wow – cool AF

      • rhywun

        I am in a part of upstate NY not far from PA but the Amish have always been plentiful here too so maybe that’s where it originated. I think they’ve moved more remote though – I doubt they are populating any of the houses along a state route leading to the Interstate these days. Still cool, though.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Not surprised. The National Quilt Museum is in Paducah.

        They’re on out buildings around here too. Always figure it was a quilter at home.

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        Those look to be a version of a Barn Hex:

        Nestled in the rolling hills and valleys of southeastern Pennsylvania, a cultural treasure lies hidden in plain sight. Vibrant murals of stars, sunbursts, and moons painted in vivid colors punctuate the exteriors of the generously-proportioned barns of the Pennsylvania Dutch country in a manner that is unique among American artistic traditions. Complex, geometric, yet deceptively simple, these abstract representations of heavenly bodies once saturated the rural landscape, and now serve as cultural beacons of the robust and persistent presence of the Pennsylvania Dutch, who once settled and still maintain a strong presence in the region.

        https://www.glencairnmuseum.org/newsletter/2019/3/19/hex-signs-sacred-and-celestial-symbolism-in-pennsylvania-dutch-barn-stars

    • Evan from Evansville

      They are absolutely everywhere in Indiana. Most are red, but I’ve seen black and gold. Some painted, most are metallic, 3D stars. Many used to mean different union associations, I’ve heard. Most now are surely just decoration.

      I’d feel uncomfortable putting any sign on my door, for any reason. (Better to hide.) Predictably, I don’t wanna belong to any group that’d have me, (but I secretly/ actually do. I just don’t wanna reveal my flag. Subtle is best, certainly for now. Best not ruffle the ripples til you’re big enough to make waves.

      What color flag DO we have? It should be a ‘Gadsden tail.’ I dig. ‘Gotcha tail!’ works in every context.

    • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

      I open up the link, and I see that Lord Humongous has been there already.

      • rhywun

        lol saw that

    • Suthenboy

      Giant stars? Pennsylvania Dutch? Germans? Amish? Huh.
      To make is slightly more complicated I live near an area that is completely infested with Texans.

  5. Evan from Evansville

    “Intelligent laziness,” indeed. Nice way of phrasing it. Stolen, and thanks.

    They handled the announcement with grace, aplomb. (Won’t see that soon in our corporal world.) I imagine moving into the Capitol is a Big Moment, hopefully reserved, but more likely a photo op. (Add a Big Check Picture for bonus shittitude!)

    That’s a very sweet ending. The pair also seem a bit too comfy with it all. (And perhaps each other?) That obviously won’t last, but I knoweth not where the daggers lie between these Acts. I reckon in the Committees. (Does anything *good* come out of ’em? I ‘spose.) I’m also an outstanding person to keep around. Bet *against* my instinct is certainly in a *safer* direction, tho safety isn’t always Best. I enjoy the Mike Rowe/ soldier saying of “SAFETY THIRD!” Yeah, keep it UP here, but not always the pinnacle.

  6. creech

    Anyone think Chase Oliver will break 400,000 votes? LP will be drifting into further irrelevance after this as internal strife consumes it. Dave Nolan’s dream is kaput.

    • trshmnstr

      I can either vote for some guy who seems to be okay with all the leftist kulturkampf, or for a guy who may legitimately be considering hiring Ron Paul as an advisor for reducing government waste.

      It’s not even a close decision.

      • rhywun

        After a couple decades or so floating around in libertariana I’m wondering if they even have anything to say about Kultur?

        I think no, and that’s how they like it.

      • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        a guy who may legitimately be considering hiring Ron Paul as an advisor for reducing government waste.

        You sweet simple child. I love you, but, that is NOT going to happen.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Pot is (almost) legal, ass sex is, and Mexicans mostly are. What more could true libertarians want?

      • Fourscore

        Which, PONick, the hiring or reducing government waste Or both?

      • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        both

    • DEG

      Anyone think Chase Oliver will break 400,000 votes?

      He won’t.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I dunno about your age group, but the monkey was well known and referenced during his presidency. Almost as well know as this guy.

      • rhywun

        Love that song.

        I was raised to hate Raygun (not by family – by kultur and schooling). I lived through it during high school. He was Trump before Trump.

        “There you go again.”

      • Gustave Lytton

        Yup. Me too. It immunized me to the Drumpfhitler. And Dubya Chimp before that.

      • slumbrew

        I think you’re on to something; “Republican president is simultaneously evil and stupid” has been the story my entire life and taught me to tune that out early on.

      • rhywun

        It was the same with Margaret – only much more violent fantasies from some of my favorite English bands.

        taught me to tune that out early on

        Indeed.

    • Fourscore

      I missed Trump, unless that was him with Reagan

    • Evan from Evansville

      Dad still uses “Bedtime… foooor BONZO!” line on nephews. And us as kids. (I assume that’s where he got it? Or just close to Gonzo.)

      The chick’s reaction to Obama’s lack of upper body is… priceless. Nails the moment, on par with Vance:Walz.

  7. Gustave Lytton

    Confession time: I still have the dealer frame on the back of my truck because I haven’t found a better one. I also have the dealer mudflats on it because they were free, they minimize the rocks hitting following vehicles and my own truck.

    My wife’s car has dealer frames. They’re not the dealer she bought it from but a city name that means something to both of us.

    🖕 🖕

    • slumbrew

      You could, you know, not have a frame at all…

      • Ownbestenemy

        I finally took off the frame…but that was because of sticker location in KY means obstructed which means a reason to be pulled over. Otherwise…who GAF?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Aluminum bends too easily. Ask me how I know.

  8. Gustave Lytton

    If Trump is even a contender in OR, I’d eat my hat. The state hasn’t gone for the Republican in forty years and it’s only become more blue in that time. 1984, the gov, both senators, most state officials, and half the congressional delegation were R’s. Of course a bunch were Rinos and what would now be RepE, and at least one yellow dog Democrat.

    • rhywun

      Yeah, we won’t see a repeat of ’84 in our lifetimes I bet.

      The Dems march through the institutions wasn’t nearly complete back then.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Same for other states in that period. Lots of yellow dogs and liberal Republicans. CA had an R gov also, and at least one R senator.

  9. UnCivilServant

    One bell pepper, cut into strips, salted and peppered.
    Two links sweet italian sausage, docked, stacked on pepper.
    Bake for 30 minutes.
    Apportion roasted pepper between two keto tortillas, add one link to each, serve with yellow mustard.

    😋

    No need for additional fats, as the drippings from the sausages come out the holes poked in the docking stage and baste the pepper. You could do it on the stovetop (and the cooking time may vary depending on the sausages available to you), but it’s a lazy meal.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Nothing wrong with a basic sausage and peppers meal.

      • UnCivilServant

        I used to cook more sausages in a batch, then I realized it was too much. Two is a half pound from my butcher’s, which is ample for a single dinner serving, even for a dude my size.

    • Aloysious

      UCS, try this one.

      https://youtu.be/5EKw4k8hkHA?si=AwoyWLMe07nT8hWG

      It should be right up your alley. I always add a ton of garlic and mushrooms. Also I sub Poblano peppers.

      The recipe scales easily, up or down. It freezes well. The broth is good with rice, brown or white.

      Next time I make it, I want to put it on cheesy polenta or cheesy grits.

      Now I’m starving.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m cutting carbs, I can’t throw potatos in the pot.

  10. Evan from Evansville

    OH! I start work tomorrow — My suspicions about the shooter were correct! Wow! Dude saw a problem; took care of it; called himself in to 5-0. I predict there’s more to the story. I also do not doubt his beliefs about the fucker he shot dead. I think on the floor. I’ll be paid to be there tomorrow! No sarc at all: I love the little fun injections of Strange that Life throws in there:

    “Man jailed in Indianapolis plasma center shooting said he was protecting his daughters’ The dispatcher asked Wilson if he had weapons.
    “I got my gun that I shot the victim with,” Wilson said, according to court documents for his arrest. He said the shooting happened 20 minutes before he called 911.
    https://www.indystar.com/story/news/crime/2024/10/31/plasma-center-shooting-called-police-marvin-wilson-joshua-jones/75945364007/

    • Evan from Evansville

      Highlights: “The man accused of shooting and killing Joshua Nehemiah Jones inside a plasma center on the city’s east side said he did it to protect his daughters, according to court records… Marvin Wilson, 32, was arrested on a preliminary charge of murder after being accused in the deadly shooting at the Biomat USA Plasma Center on Tuesday afternoon…

      Wilson told police the mother of his children had dated Jones, 28, and that the relationship was violent. There are no public court records tied to domestic violence between Jones and the woman. [He calls himself in to the police.] When officers arrived at the home they saw a handgun on the sidewalk next to Wilson while he was waiting to be taken into custody. He was taken to the department’s homicide office to give an official statement…

      • UnCivilServant

        So we don’t know one way or another if the “He needed killing” defense is applciable?

      • rhywun

        We just had a dude sentenced to life today for ringleading a gang-style murder – the details are nuts (new to me as it happened before I moved to the area last year). Surprise, surprise – it was all a domestic dispute. Between a gaggle of nearly a dozen derelict drug addicts/dealers. More trials to come.

      • Evan from Evansville

        May apply. Omitted for space: “Wilson told investigators he was notified by the Department of Child Services of domestic violence occurring in the home where his daughters lived.

        Two days before the shooting, Jones allegedly made a post on Facebook threatening to kill Wilson’s daughters. Wilson encouraged the mother of his children to report it to law enforcement. It’s unclear if that happened.On Tuesday, Oct. 29, Wilson was on his way to McDonald’s near the intersection of East 38th Street and North Post Road when he recognized Jones crossing the street toward Biomat USA Plasma Center.” –> This is where the Divine Intervention swung in.

    • Evan from Evansville

      Highlights Pt II: “.. surveillance video from the scene showed Wilson entering the plasma center wearing the same clothes as when he was taken into custody. He spent six minutes sitting in the waiting room before walking into the plasma donation area where he spotted Jones seated. Wilson is then seen removing a handgun from his right front pocket before he approaches Jones. He briefly spoke with Jones before the shooting. Jones was shot multiple times and tried to get up and run away before falling to the floor.

      Police say video footage then shows Wilson standing over Jones before five more shots are fired. Wilson left the plasma center through a back door, the affidavit indicates.”
      Two days before the shooting, Jones allegedly made a post on Facebook threatening to kill Wilson’s daughters. Wilson encouraged the mother of his children to report it to law enforcement. It’s unclear if that happened.On Tuesday, Oct. 29, Wilson was on his way to McDonald’s near the intersection of East 38th Street and North Post Road when he recognized Jones crossing the street toward Biomat USA Plasma Center.

      Wilson felt seeing him was “divine intervention,” he told detectives. 𝐇𝐞 𝐠𝐹𝐭 𝐟𝐹𝐹𝐝 đŸđ«đšđŠ đŒđœđƒđšđ§đšđ„đđŹ 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐱𝐭 𝐹𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚đČ 𝐭𝐹 𝐭𝐡𝐞 đœđžđ§đ­đžđ«.

      But that conversation turned violent when Jones flashed a “sinful” smile and Wilson said he “snapped,” according to the affidavit. Wilson apologized to bystanders and referred to keeping his children safe, witnesses told police and IndyStar.
      “He was so calm,” Joseph Barreto, a witness, told IndyStar. “He was like, ‘I don’t want to shoot you, ma’am, sir.’ He just came there to shoot somebody else.”

  11. cavalier973

    “You won’t vote for Harris? Is it because you are a sexist pig who will never vote for a woman for President??”

    

    

    


    “Define: ‘woman’.”

    • Evan from Evansville

      *SWISH*

      It’s my Go-To if anyone (I don’t love or work with) asks me about that shit. Justice Jackson may, indeed, be named. Gotta highlight the inanity for these fucks. ( <– Condescension Voice applies. It's … technically now Election Day! Off to work in 8.2hrs.)

      Peace out and wish me luck.

      • UnCivilServant

        Good Luck, We’re Counting on You.

  12. UnCivilServant

    1st set of RAM – Not compatable with motherboard, sent back.
    2nd set of RAM – Lost in transit, will get refund.
    3rd set of RAM – Free Same Day delivery đŸ€ž Hope the third time’s the charm

    Yes, I know I should have checked the motherboard manufacturer’s compatability chart before buying the first set. It was just nothing extreme about it, so I didn’t expect it to not work.

  13. PieInTheSky

    KAMI KAMI SHES OR MAN IF SHE CANT DO IT NO ONE CAN!

    • Aloysious

      How many times did you vote for the Harry/Ballz ticket?

  14. Gustave Lytton

    Countdown to Thunderdome!!!!!

  15. Mojeaux

    What does one wear to a civil war? I may need to do laundry.

  16. The Hyperbole

    Everything’s gonna be all right.

      • Tres Cool

        I wrote in Barry Goldwater/Vermin Supreme

    • Sean

      *waves*

  17. Suthenboy

    Morning all. The fateful day has arrived. Ugh, I want to get that over with as soon as possible.
    Over with…. I say that but my guess is that the real fun is just getting started. The never ending scheming, conniving and struggle for power over one’s fellow man will just reach an even higher fever pitch.
    I will keep my head down and continue working on that one patch of my yard that just refuses to grow a single blade of grass. I have buried a ton of compost, heaved out as many rocks as I can and now I am raking leaves and placing them there to be covered by a few inches of soil later on.

    Thoughts? How would the nature of our country, the character of our people be different if our founders had had the courage to write ‘life, liberty and property’ and we had allodial title?
    Two potential flaws: All Land ownership would eventually accrete to a few individuals. Fixes for that?
    Non-citizens might gain too much control. That is easy to fix.

    • cavalier973

      I would argue that property could only be owned by individual humans—no corporations, or leaving your farm to your favorite pig in your will. The government would not be able to own property, either.

      Access rights to things like water would have to be negotiated.

      The greater number of property owners there are, the better it will be for people who don’t own any. Rents would be held low due to competition.

      The right to air space would also need to be negotiated.

      There will always be that one snotnoggin who managed to gain control of a key area, who won’t do anything for anybody. For example, the grizzled hermit who owns the nearest pass through the mountains and won’t let anyone through at any price.

      Everyone would need to respect his property rights, and punch a hole through t he mountains nearby, or something.

      • UnCivilServant

        Nobody’s going to put up with that, someone will just off the guy and see if his heirs are willing to be more reasonable.

      • cavalier973

        Read “The Long Winter” by Wilder.

        A very similar case came up, where the town was almost completely out of food, but a rumor started that a lonely hermit had plenty of seed wheat stored up out on the prairie.

        Long story short, a store owner got a couple of guys to go out and found him, and they bought the wheat from him at an extravagant price.

        When the wheat got back to the store owner, he doubled the price he had paid the hermit. The towns people were livid, because they were starving. He asserted his property rights. Some people were getting ready to tear up ugly, but Laura’s Dad said something, like, “Yeah, this is your property, and you can charge any price you like, but those of us who survive will never do business with you again.”

        After some arguing, the store owner let the people buy it at cost.

  18. DEG

    Mornin’ all.

    Heading to the gym.

    • Gender Traitor

      Mornin’ all.

      Heading to the polls. I’ll hit the gym AFTER work…and debate whether or not to take advantage of listening to one of the bank of TVs along the front of the equipment room. I don’t even trust Fox News any more, so I’ll probably just surf here on my phone.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I wish I could put myself in one of those Alien hibernation pods and wake up when this is all over to be honest.

  19. Tres Cool

    suh’ fam
    whats goody

    TALL FORTIFIED ELECTION CANS!

  20. UnCivilServant

    Well, I know how they’re going to cheat Prop 1 Through.

    Any vote that is not an explicit “No” will be counted as a yes, included abstensions. The poll workers were making sure to tell everybody because I don’t think my local poll workers liked those shenanigans either.

    • Suthenboy

      On the whole a ‘no’ vote down the line is pretty safe.

    • Brochettaward

      What’s Prop 1 in The People’s Republic Of New York?

      • UnCivilServant

        Enshrines into the state constitution the right to murder the unborn upto bith, removes parental rights regarding ‘trans’ children and grooming, makes it legal to discriminate based on race and sex, but only against whites and men, and some other extreme left DEI style positions.

      • UnCivilServant

        It is so bad that I have seen houses with Harris signs sporting “No on Prop 1” signs.

      • Ted S.

        Trans camel’s nose under the tent.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Sounds more like the nose, the anus, and everything in between Ted.

      • Ted S.

        I do not have a camel between me, thank you very much.

  21. Brochettaward

    I don’t vote, but I do First.

  22. Ted S.

    ÖRF paraphrased today’s election as Harris wanting to protect rights vs. Trump who says crazy things that create headlines.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      She wants to protect various positive “rights”, no question. The negative ones not so much.

      • Ted S.

        They also went to the swing state (German actually uses the term “Swing State” here) and talked to three women. Two of them basically kept saying “abortion fascism!” while the third was rather more circumspect.

      • Ted S.

        Oh, and husbands across the country are trying to dictate to their property wives how to vote.

    • cavalier973

      Keep hitting them with morphine until they sleep the sleep of death.

    • cavalier973

      The method is to flood the pod with nitrogen, driving out oxygen. It’s supposed to be painless.

      Except, you have to be closed into a tiny space. People with claustrophobia will have a certain amount of mental anguish just about that.

  23. Gender Traitor

    Bit of a line at my polling place. Good thing the stupid “I Voted” sticker will allow me to be clocked in at my regular start time at work.

    • UnCivilServant

      I wasn’t even offered a sticker.

      Not that I ever take them.

    • Suthenboy

      I am a bit confused about this, I suppose.
      There are a number of effective, humane ways to off people yet no one ever seems to use them. These suicide advocates always come up with methods that make me think they are trying to legally act out some kind of sicko murder fantasies.

      • Suthenboy

        Great. Was supposed to be a reply to Stinky’s suicide link

      • Ted S.

        Voting is an inhumane way to kill your political opponents.

    • Gender Traitor

      Dang! I’m not even going to be late to work! 😒

    • Grumbletarian

      I’d be surprised if the election were decided by tomorrow.