I, Soldier – part 31

by | Nov 11, 2024 | Fiction | 61 comments

“Good thinking, my dear. My plan B was to feed her some egg drop soup.”

“That probably would have worked, but I am well-equipped to solve the problem.”

“OK, so what are your goals in Congress?”

“Ooh, so many things. Universal healthcare for one.”

“That will be a hard road to travel.”

“Don’t tell me why it can’t be done. Think, soldier! Find a way to win.”

“It would require the abolition of the income tax, which few will miss.”

“How do we do that?”

“Amend the Constitution. That is also hard to do. What else do you want?”

“A Mars landing like the Apollo program.”

“I like that idea. If we could get Soviet or Chinese help with that, it would ease international tensions. Talk to the Florida representative for Cape Canaveral. I’m sure he won’t mind another vote to help fund NASA. The easiest thing to get Congress to do besides pass laws is to spend more money.”

“Oh, Captain Cynical, what am I to do with you?”

“I forget who said it, but the quote is: the power of accurate observation is called cynicism by those who don’t have it. Egg roll? I wanted to leave one for you just in case.”

“How generous. Keep eating like that and lying in bed all day, and you will turn into a walrus.”

“Goo-goo-g’joob, my dear, as the Beatles would say. I’ll buy an exercise bike when we move into our new place.”

“There have been a bunch of assassinations over the past few years. How do you feel about guns?”

“The second amendment made all the other ones possible. In the first draft of the constitution, the right to keep and bear arms was the first amendment.”

“But it only applies to well-regulated militias.”

“Not so. Several state constitutions written at the same time also have amendments which explicitly protect the individual right to keep and bear arms.”

“OK, leaving the law aside, is there a way to reduce gun violence?”

“Ending Prohibition reduced the homicide rate. Ending Nixon’s war on drugs would have a similar effect.”

“Is there anything we can do to reduce poverty?”

“The short answer is deregulation, starting with abolishing the minimum wage. Minimum wage equals minimum jobs.”

“I’m glad I’m the one who gets to vote and not you, Count Dracula.”

“If anything, I’m the Renfield in this relationship. Which is fine, as I have in fact eaten bugs before.”

“Every time I think you’ve said the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard, you somehow manage to top yourself.”

“Excellence is a habit, not an attribute, as Aristotle said. Or was that Plato? Whatever, it’s all Greek to me.”

“I know I asked you way back when we first met, but what do you really believe about religion and politics?”

“Enlightenment values are good. I like free speech and freedom of religion a lot. There are good moral teachings in Christianity, though I like the saying about how there are many paths to the top of the mountain. FDR spoke about freedom from want and freedom from fear. Those two are too easily subject to abuse, though I agree that no one should live in poverty in a country as prosperous as ours. If people should be free, then they must be free to make mistakes rather than be forced by some authority to act otherwise. This concept that people are free to sin is found in Christianity and is the basis of a lot of early American legal thinking. Even the Soviets quoted from the Bible in their constitution in which they wrote that people who don’t work shouldn’t eat. As it turned out, communism was a great weight loss program, though often with fatal results. Marx phrased that as: from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs. Marx for his part, gave the world little more than long-winded nastygrams. He spent his whole life mooching off rich friends.”

“What if we became more like Sweden? It’s a free country, but with very little poverty and various government programs for healthcare and education.”

“It’d be hard to implement that here for reasons of scale and culture. It’s easier to make government programs work in a small country with homogeneous culture like Sweden. New York City has about the same number of people, but because of its cultural diversity and other reasons, its programs have had a poor track record. New York City is an interesting laboratory for our country. If you can get something to work there, it’ll probably work in every other city and even in rural areas. Talking to representatives from there is a good way to get a feel for national politics in general. I think there’s about ten representatives in total for that city in Congress.”

“I like the part of the Constitution where it talks about promoting the general welfare and ensuring domestic tranquility.”

“Yeah, me too. It’s the greatest preamble ever written. Life, liberty, and the pursuit happiness is a great line, though I think that’s from the Declaration of Independence. It’s been a long time since civics class.”

“We’ve talked enough, you’ve eaten enough, and Cathy is asleep. Let’s head home.”

“Solid logic.”

We moved into a new apartment not far from the Capitol. The metro opened later that year, and it made it a lot easier to get around the city. Alexandra also liked using public transit. Like I promised, I bought an exercise bike to keep my weight down, though when spring came, I got more activity from carrying Cathy around. I was reminded of a story about a famous Greek strong man, Milo of Croton, who carried a newborn calf on his shoulders every day. As the calf grew, so did his muscles. There came a point when he was unable to lift it. I hoped that there would never come a day when I could not lift something as heavy as an average woman.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

61 Comments

  1. Brochettaward

    Get in, losers. I’m Firsting.

  2. Derpetologist

    I regret to say that I will not be posting further installments of this story nor participating in this forum again because today was the most bitterly painful day of my life, Veterans Day.

    It began with a seizure/headache so painful I thought I was going to die and left me with muscle spasms for hours. Then I drove while sleep deprived to a dental clinic only to be informed that my appointment was cancelled, and I’d have to come in tomorrow morning and at much less convenient time.

    When I got back home, I was gaslit and tormented electronically for hours until my protests via texts became so severe a cop came by to make sure I wasn’t suicidal or homicidal.

    And it all happened because ________ (inspiration for the Alexandra of the above story), my former best friend from the Army and NSA, has spent the past 3.5 years tormenting me with the help of many accomplices. The only solution was to break my own spirit so my body wouldn’t break, they would lose the incentive to torment me further, and I wouldn’t dishonor myself by going on a killing spree.

    Fuck you ________ and all you sadistic accomplices you finally succeeded in making me hate you, the Army, the US government, and pretty much everyone I know except my dad. At least now that I’m numb I don’t fear more torture and can exact grim revenge as monument to their evil and cruelty. This is my reward for showing strong affection for a woman (__________). I wish there was a hell for you to burn in you evil, lying bitch.

    It is also my reward for 30+ years of hard work, honesty, intelligence, and patriotism. No good deed goes unpunished. I don’t know where my breaking point was and neither did they, but they were determined to find it. Well congrats, scum, I am finally broken almost as bad as Winston Smith. Hope you’re happy.

    Contact me at harty.thomas@gmail.com if you like. I’m a thoroughly broken man now. Perhaps a now a decent woman will take pity on me and show me some of love I’ve been craving for the past few years. Otherwise, I expect an empty existence of childlessness, isolation, celibacy, and numbness to most pleasure. All because they thought that if they tortured me enough, I’d stop buying and drinking alcohol. Sorry to rant, but I don’t want these slimeballs to get away scot-free and conduct a coverup.

    If I’m still alive by Friday, it will be a minor miracle.

    [NOTE: Upon Advice of the Foundation’s General Counsel, we have deleted the person’s name here. It was borderline actionable, and we want our site to continue existing].

    • Brochettaward

      It’s hard to comment without the details, but seriously…it isn’t worth it. Most women, like most people, are trash.

      • Brochettaward

        You’ve been out for a while now. Why do you still have any contact with this woman? Or any accomplices? Just go your own way.

    • Q Continuum

      Didn’t read this before posting cheesecake, I regret doing so.

      Derp, you are a valued member here and I would prefer you not leave. Hopefully we can provide support to you; however if you need to take time away, know that you’re welcome back anytime.

      All that said, do NOT do anything that can’t be undone. No woman, no job, no reputation, *nothing* is worth suicide. You MUST NOT do it; if you need to check yourself into a hospital, do so. There is so much out there for you and life is so much bigger than someone with a vendetta.

      Whatever you’re going through, there is help available to you, including this place.

      • Q Continuum

        Please go back and read my post about suicide from a couple of years ago. I believe in self-ownership so, in principle, self-termination comes with that. But it is a *TERRIBLE* idea and you shouldn’t do it. Same goes for deliberate self-harm.

        I have personally seen a family destroyed by suicide; it is contagious and ruins the lives of those left behind. No matter the darkness, there are people who care and need you around. STAY AWAY FROM BOOZE and if you feel that you can’t take anymore, drive yourself to the ER.

        Another individual I personally know was teetering as you are right now and had a friend willing to drive him to the ER. All he needed to do was tell the attending nurse on call that he was having a psychiatric crisis and he was in a bed, with good sedatives, talking to a therapist within the hour. He credits that with saving his life. Have no shame about doing that if you need to.

    • DEG

      Drop the booze, cut the woman out of your life, and don’t do anything rash.

      I hope you can get the help you need.

  3. kinnath

    How do I get to the newest version of Monocle/Eyepiece?

    The side menu on the old front page is gone and I can’t find it.

  4. cavalier973

    I am angry for your sake.

    You have friends, here.

    I don’t know if there is anything I can do for you, besides pray, but I am sure that there are members here who can assist in various ways.

    • Brochettaward

      I wish Derpy nothing but the best, but at a certain point people have to look at their own actions and how they cause their problems. I’m not saying these people are innocent, just that there’s no reason he should even be in contact with them. Cut them off. Be done with it.

      And he does need to cut out the booze. He has had repeated negative consequences from it. And in his current state, he sure as shit should not be drinking.

      • cavalier973

        I have been wondering if Derp is Anonymous Conservative, because they seem to have similar experiences, but AC is using his experiences to drive himself into projects, like AmericanStasi-dot-com (Don’t go there unless you want to be put on a list).

        Derp sounds like he is giving up.

      • slumbrew

        “And he does need to cut out the booze. He has had repeated negative consequences from it.”

        Agreed, that’s the standard.

  5. Fourscore

    Derp, there’s a lot of things we don’t understand in this world. Most of all we don’t understand ourselves. We begin to have self doubts and believe that people are motivated to do us harm, for some reason or another.

    Most folks suffer this insecurity at times for one reason or another. Life’s changes can come fast and unexpected. Truthfully though, most of us are so selfish and egocentric we don’t have time or patience to will bad things on another person.

    I was married to a woman with schizophrenia. She heard things, saw things, that no one else could. She believed someone/everyone was talking/plotting against her. Electro shock and heavy drug therapy have limits and often not successful. She spent the last 25 years of her life in controlled environments.

    Your experiences are unique to you but talking to someone you can trust may be helpful.

    • Brochettaward

      The hardest thing for someone going through that is recognizing that their version of reality isn’t, you know, real. I can speak from experience. And intelligence can just make it easier to buy your own bullshit.

      • Brochettaward

        But it’s very hard to know what’s going on through a computer screen.

  6. Urthona

    Not sure I understand what’s going on here, but it seems bad.

    • cavalier973

      Somewhat related, in my opinion, but I had two cousins, brothers, who joined the military. The elder joined the Navy, and the younger joined the marines.

      The elder was given a medical discharge for throwing out his back. He said that one of the team had done something wrong, so the commanding officer had them doing push-ups (or sit-ups, or something like that) all night.

      The younger one said that we will probably never really know what happened to his brother.

  7. dbleagle

    Derp,

    I don’t know the details but one thing I was taught years ago. Survive. That is the best reward to counter those that want you harmed. See whomever you need but get the help you need to get through to next week. This entire community wishes you well, so you have us in your corner.

    I agree with Bro and the others, cut this woman out of your life-completely. There are other women out there, with luck you’ll find one you click with. If not, survive. That is the key above all.

    • Q Continuum

      ^^^^This.

      Non illegitimi carborundum.

      Your life is the only one you’ve got and you can’t let other people soil it or ruin it. It is a most precious gift.

      Get sober, get into treatment (for alcohol, as well as psychiatric) and start charting a path forward. Even on the darkest, cloudiest, most depressing day, the sun is still shining, you just can’t see it.

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      Glad I stayed for the end. Some good advice in there, too, considering this thread.

      • slumbrew

        Indeed. Good advice.

        No giving up, Derpy.

      • trshmnstr

        G’morning all.

        Derpy – now is the time when great change can come. People can rob you of a great many things, but they can’t rob you of your dignity. You’ve tried things certain ways and they haven’t worked, but now you’re free to try things in a new way. Have the courage to give up some of the old habits and try some new things out. You may surprise yourself at what you find that gives value to your life. I’ve been praying for you and will continue to do so.

  8. Tres Cool

    We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
    For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
    Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
    This day shall gentle his condition;
    And gentlemen in England now a-bed
    Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
    And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks

    • Tres Cool

      3RD ACR “Brave Rifles”
      6th Cavalry (Air Combat)

      /Panama
      /Desert Storm
      /JSOC 6

  9. cavalier973

    There are good moral teachings in Christianity…

    There are impossible moral teachings in Christianity.

    “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’
    But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”

    “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

    “ You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.
    And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.
    If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.
    Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”

    “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighborfn and hate your enemy.’
    But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.
    If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?
    And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?
    Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.“

    I can’t follow any of that consistently, and there isn’t any wiggle room, based on that last sentence. It’s not good enough for me to try my best, if I fail.

    And I do fail.

  10. Mojeaux

    Derpy.

    I have no words. But if I were there, I would hug you and make you dinner.

    I think it would behoove you to put on some music and let your mind wander.

  11. SarumanTheGreat

    Derp: Fourscore is right. You need to talk to someone that you can trust.

    I suggest you talk to your Dad, since you specifically mentioned him. I did when my Dad was still alive and I was troubled.

    Others here are willing to talk to you as well. I’m new so I don’t know you that well, but many here are old-timers who have had their rough spots and can help.

    And as others have said sever the connection. Cut the ones tormenting you out of your life.

  12. robodruid

    Derp, you are cherished here. Don’t forget it.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean, ‘bodru, U, Evan, and homey!

      Derpy – please get the help you need! Don’t do anything that would break your dad’s heart!

      • UnCivilServant

        Morning – How goes?

      • Gender Traitor

        So far, so good, but it’s going to be a busy day at work today – we’re scheduled to have FOUR new hires start, and I have to start on the agenda/set up the Zoom meeting for NEXT Tuesday’s Board meeting!

        How about you?

      • UnCivilServant

        I have:
        A change management meeting
        To make a presentation to a bunch of Developers about how our scheduler works
        A vendor informational session
        A project meeting for a project that has been struggling
        An upgrade of our fax software to the latest patch

        I am not looking forward to the presentation.

      • Gender Traitor

        That’s way too many meetings. Good luck with the presentation!

      • UnCivilServant

        I know the material, and have the powerpoint, but blathering in front of a mix of strangers and people I’ve worked with to try to get them to follow best practices when I have no leverage over them…

      • Ted S.

        Our time clock is down. 😂

      • UnCivilServant

        So, you can’t get paid thus don’t work?

      • Ted S.

        Spoken like a true GovSec worker….

      • UnCivilServant

        So, you’re in the habit of working for free?

      • Ted S.

        Unlike government fuckups, this will get fixed.

      • Not Adahn

        Most of the work I do is for free.

      • Ted S.

        We get what we pay for with the horoscopes.

  13. Evan from Evansville

    Mornin’, y’all.

    Please take care, be safe and well, Derp. Take a break, perhaps seek ER/clinic for sedatives, moments of peace in a medically safe spot. I hate hospital settings, but they have their value. You’ll be sorely missed while you’re away, and we certainly hope it isn’t permanent. Glibs is the only place I can go and speak my mind in the US. It is a good crutch when ya need it. Y’all helped me out five years ago with considerably more than ‘good feelings.’ Financial support was certainly involved.

    For the tomorrow’s sequel, just as good as the first, please take care, be safe and well.

  14. Tres Cool

    suh’ fam
    whats goody

    TALL W.Va CANS!

    • R.J.

      An intervention.

      Derpy, if you are still out there:
      Put down all the computers and phones, put down the booze and go outside. See some nature. Get away from the things that torments you.
      You are special to us, and you need to get away from the things that are torturing you.

  15. cavalier973

    It’s going to be hard to trust anyone, after you’ve been betrayed by people you thought were your good friends. Especially semi-anonymous people on an Internet forum.

    If it were me, I would be suspicious that there was one or more people who were trying to lure me in, so that they could hurt me again.

    Advice is easy to give, and I don’t have the wherewithal to do something, like, offer Derp a place to stay, like a cabin in the mountains with a fully stocked refrigerator. Although, maybe solitude isn’t what he needs right now.

    In any case, Derp said he was done with the forum, so I assume he isn’t reading our responses.

    But, if you *are* reading them, Derp, then I echo SarumantheGreat’s advice to go talk to your dad.

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