ZARDOZ ADVICE FOR THE CHOSEN ONES

by | Nov 1, 2024 | Advice, Cryptids | 153 comments

ZARDOZ APPROVED HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

ZARDOZ SPEAKS TO YOU, HIS CHOSEN ONES. IT HAS BEEN A PERIOD OF TIME. BUT ZARDOZ IS PLEASED. YOUR SNARK AT THE FILTH OF BRUTALS WHO PLAGUE THE EARTH HAS BEEN GOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS GOOD? THE GUN.

ALSO GOOD – ADVICE. ZARDOZ WILL GIVE ADVICE FAR BETTER THAN ANY BRUTAL COLUMNIST. GO FORTH AND READ!

Q: I’m a woman in my early 20s, and I have been dating my man for two years. I love him dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He plans to propose before the end of the year, and we plan to be married next year.

Sex with him is fabulous. However, I have a very active libido (probably similar to that of a teenage boy), and I’d be good with having sex every morning, day and night. He, on the other hand, is good with once a week, if that. I feel deprived and sad. We have discussed this, and he claims he knows he needs to improve, but there has been no change.

I don’t know if I want to say “I do” if this is what marriage to him will be like. I am afraid of him proposing now because I’m not sure I can marry him if he’s not into sex as much as I am. Sex is an extremely important activity in my life. I had amazing sex with a previous boyfriend and have actually contemplated reaching out to him. (I wouldn’t cheat.)

Must I settle? I don’t want to miss out on having sex as often as I want it. It doesn’t feel fair to me. I don’t want to end the relationship because he’s everything else I want. He’s a good man, loving, generous, kind, thoughtful, funny, intelligent, a great conversationalist, fun, adventurous, but with almost no sex drive. Can you offer any insight?

A: FOOLISH BRUTAL! DO YOU NOT KNOW, THE PENIS IS EVIL? IT SHOOTS SEEDS THAT CREATE NEW LIFE. THEREFORE, ZARDOZ WILL RESCUE YOU FROM WHAT WOULD BE A MARRIAGE OF FRUSTRATION, AND GIVE YOU AN OUTLET FOR YOUR EVIL, LIBIDINOUS ENERGY…

A LIFE OF GRAIN SLAVERY, IN THE SERVICE OF THE VORTEX, WILL SUIT YOU.

Q. My sister, whom I dearly love, is going through some difficult times. She confides in me about her troubles, and I gladly listen and give advice. Although I am willing to listen and help, I feel she would really benefit from seeing a therapist to help her overcome some of her challenges. I also know that her decisions are hers to make, and I don’t want my perspectives to get between us when I say something she may disagree with.

How can I recommend she get professional help without it sounding like I’m pushing her away and discouraging her from sharing her feelings with me? When I mentioned therapy a few years ago, she said I should be her therapist. I told her that was sweet, but therapists have unique skills that I don’t have.

My sister is on a very limited income, and I’m not certain what it would cost through her insurance. She does feel therapy is “good,” but has never actually done it. She often says she can handle these issues on her own, and I suspect she’d be resistant to counseling because it would be like surrendering. Advice?

A. THIS IS A JOB FOR THE ETERNALS. YOUR SISTER WILL HAVE TO GO TO SECOND LEVEL WITH THEM, THAT THEY MAY CLEANSE HER THOUGHTS OF ALL WRONG THINGS.

*GOING TO SECOND LEVEL MAY HAVE SIDE EFFECTS. THESE INCLUDE CATATONIA, GRAIN SLAVERY AND BEING PREMATURELY AGED. PLEASE CONSULT THE TABERNACLE FOR FURTHER GUIDANCE*

ZARDOZ HAS SPOKEN.

About The Author

ZARDOZ

ZARDOZ

SERVANT OF THE TABERNACLE, THE ETERNALS OF THE VORTEX. FOR FURTHER INFORMATION, SEE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwZhKGgmoUI

153 Comments

  1. Not Adahn

    Grain can be fermented. This is also good.

    What with the excellent Scotch drinking weather we’ve had, I finally cracked open the Talisker 18yr. Diminishing returns is a bitch. Yes, it’s better than the 10yr, but I’m really not planning on saving up for the 30yr after this. I’ll need to do a side-by-side, but I might prefer the Dark Storm.

    • Nephilium

      I have found similar things in several whisk(e)ies. Hell, I prefer the Green Spot to the Yellow Spot, especially for the price difference.

      • Not Adahn

        There is this quantum leap between cheap scotch and midgrade scotch, but then serious diminishing returns.

        That’s one reason I put a $40 limit on my rye tastings.

      • Nephilium

        Not Adahn:

        I wouldn’t call it quantum, since the jump is quite large. 🙂

        You can find the same thing in most spirits, bottom shelf plastic bottle rotgut, entry level glass bottle which works well for mixing, top shelf which stands alone, and then really expensive stuff that appears to be more oriented towards conspicuous consumption.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Ive noticed 12-15yr is a nice sweet spot for most scotches that I have sampled/had.

      • Not Adahn

        Islay seem to be pretty darn tasty young.

    • PieInTheSky

      My whisky guy told.me there is a glenallachie 35 comming soon. 2000 american a bottle. I am going to pass. I wish i could afford it because it would be nice yo have a whisky bottle worth more than ron73440 car

      • UnCivilServant

        No booze is worth that.

      • ron73440

        it would be nice yo have a whisky bottle worth more than ron73440 car

        Hey! That’s uncalled for!…

        It’s a fair cop.

        I paid $5,000 fore it 7 years and 110,000 miles ago, plus the clear coat has been peeling for the last 3 years.

      • Not Adahn

        The store that has Talisker 30 only wants $1200 for it.

      • PieInTheSky

        UCS yesterday you were snappy at me about how everything is worth what someone is willing to pay

      • UnCivilServant

        Did you pay the $2,000?

      • PieInTheSky

        no. but someone will.

    • PieInTheSky

      The 40 year benromachs i had at the distilery were fantastic drams. I think for most whisky 15+ is quite good, though for Islay younger works well. But older are bettet just pricey. The 24 year ild lagavoulin i had straight from the barrel was fire

    • PieInTheSky

      The most expensive bottle i own is a laphroaig 25 which i bought at clearence for 220 dollars. I am keeping it but i have no idea for when. Part of me just says drink it. I have a bunahhabain 28 from wemyss which is also delicious. And a little over 200 which is a good price for that age.

      • slumbrew

        I’ve had a few speedy bottles over the years but I’m not good at saving it – once it’s open, it’s getting consumed regularly.

        I did find a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label in the back of my late FIL’s cabinet recently – that’s only survived this long because it’s a 2 hour drive from here 🙂

      • PieInTheSky

        The 5 most expensive bottles i ever bought are still unopened in the back of the bar

      • Not Adahn

        I have JW Blue and this Talisker 18 as my expensive bottles. I may have a few over $100 that I’ve received as gifts or that weren’t that expensive when I bought them pre-silly times.

      • Nephilium

        My expensive house bottle is Middleton. It was one of the first expensive bottles I bought (I think back then it was ~$100), and I’ve had one on hand ever since. It gets opened rarely, for special occasions.

        Other than that, my every day drinkers are Bulleit and Tullamore, with specialties in the $40-70 range.

      • UnCivilServant

        Expensive alcohol is a catch 22 for me. I don’t want to shell out a lot of money unless I know I’m going to like it, and nobody will let me try it without paying first.

      • PieInTheSky

        don’t you have tastings or festivals in America?

      • UnCivilServant

        The “Good” distilleries don’t live near me.

      • Nephilium

        PieInTheSky:

        Depends on the state. Some states don’t allow samples to be be given, or limit the amount of samples.

        There’s always the expensive method of tasting as well, buying a short pour at a bar. Whisk(e)y flights are not uncommon at the better bars.

      • Not Adahn

        Occasionally makers will put out sampler collections at severely discounted prices.

      • Mojeaux

        There’s a thing where, in a bar, you can get like 4-5 samples in shot glasses, like an appetizer tray. I forgot what that’s called.

        ETA: “Flight”! That’s what it’s called. Thanks, Neph.

      • UnCivilServant

        Mo – that’s the ‘flight’ Mr Ilium mentioned.

      • PieInTheSky

        Some states don’t allow samples to be be given, or limit the amount of samples – land of the free

      • UnCivilServant

        No fair editing comments!

      • UnCivilServant

        Pie – technically, the 21st Amendment did give the states wide authority specifically over alcohol when prohibition was repealed, so it is one of the few commercial products they do have constitutional authority to meddle with.

      • Nephilium

        PieInTheSky:

        If it makes you feel better, all beer fests in Ohio are required to give out tickets to limit the samplings. I have yet to attend a beer fest where I did not walk away with tickets at the end (in some cases with more tickets than I started with). There will usually be one or two tables that are ticket sticklers, and people just start avoiding those tables. The forms were followed, drinks were consumed, and good times had by all.

      • Mojeaux

        Missouri’s always been loosey goosey with liquor laws. It’s the only reason Kansas City got through the Depression relatively unscathed (Prohibition-flouting holdover economic success). IIRC, the feds threatened Missouri with force should they not ratify Prohibition.

      • Mojeaux

        I only edit (usually) for typos.

      • Beau Knott

        It’s a perfectly cromulent edit.

  2. Not Adahn

    Dear Abby is dreadfully old-fashioned. Not telling teenaged boy-woman she’s entitled to everything she wants?

  3. Sean

    ZARDOZ APPROVED HALLOWEEN COSTUMES

    I love that pic so much.

    • Aloysious

      I would love to see those costumes in meatspace in spite of the fact that I’d probably piss myself laughing.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      I want that.

      My youngest is fifteen (and a girl) so the accompanying Sean Connery banana-hammock costume would be no bueno.

  4. Aloysious

    HAIL ZARDOZ.

    I hope you got lots of guns for Brutalween.

    • LCDR_Fish

      If she’s on full benefits now, make sure she has the full packet of options and you can discuss pros/cons – and she doesn’t miss out on any coverage.

      • Mojeaux

        She’s on our insurance. I told her she had a deadline of 5 years to get full benefits somewhere.

      • Gender Traitor

        Maybe compare what she’d pay as an employee to what you’re paying for her as a dependent? If her employee rate is cheaper, you could reimburse her. (Trickier, but maybe you could also figure out the tax difference either way?)

      • PieInTheSky

        As an european it is still kind of strange to me the government doesnt just take an extra 12% of paycheck for gov healthcare

      • Mojeaux

        We have the family plan, so it costs us no less if she’s off it and XY is still on it. When both of them can get their own health plans through their employer, it’ll just be me and my husband and that will take it down significantly. We pay ~15k a year in premiums.

        Also, both kids have to go to the psychiatrist and get meds, so they both know how important health insurance is.

      • trshmnstr

        the government doesnt just take an extra 12% of paycheck for gov healthcare

        I just fixed the taxes on my first round of payroll for my law firm.

        ~15% payroll taxes

        (I’m exempt from state and federal unemployment tax since I’m self employed)

        ~22% federal income tax
        ~5% state income tax

        I had to pay ~42% of my wages to government.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Pie, I hope you know what FDR and LBJ had to do with this mess.

      • slumbrew

        Pie, I hope you know what FDR and LBJ had to do with this mess.

        They defeated Lafayette and the rest of the British at Little Big Horn and then forced them to hand over Alaska, thus making it our 57th state.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Actual rate or withholding rates?

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Slum:

        A man, a canal, Panama

    • ron73440

      Cool, I remember you said she had been wanting that for a while.

    • Ed Wuncler

      Great to hear XX is doing so well!

      Our XX 1 is a great kid ( just turned 5 this past October) but he teacher told me that she’s been a great student but for some reason when she doesn’t get what she wants or something angers her, she throws these tantrums/crying fits which then disrupts class. We’ve talked to her but it seems like talking to her doesn’t do much so it’s time to put aside my wife’s gentle parenting and my loving but punitive parenting.

      No spankings but I told her that we’ll get a chart and on the days that she doesn’t cry at school (sans getting hurt) we’ll give her a sticker that day and if she doesn’t cry for a week, we’ll let her play video games for 15 minutes longer before bedtime. If she doesn’t it for a second week in a row we’ll let her pick out her dessert for dinner. And if she doesn’t cry in class for a month straight, she’ll get a small toy. The punitive part is that if does cry, we’re taking away the video games for a week and no iPad along with going to bed earlier than usual. If this doesn’t change her behavior then no video games for a two weeks and that iPad goers away for a month and so on.

      • Mojeaux

        Ed, not that I’m an example of good parenting, but if I had to do it over again, this is what I’d do:

        1. Get her tested for ADHD. If she does have it, manage with meds or not, but she’ll have to learn her own coping mechanisms regardless.

        2. I had a chart like that when I was 5 and I couldn’t make it 3 days without doing something, so a week may be too long for such a small reward. Yes, I have ADHD.

        3. The rewards you’re proposing are not worth the effort IMO.

        4. She may be (probably is) bored. Load her up with activities and crafts and books (paper ones) and gamified learning apps. Our son’s issues were caused by boredom combined with a driving need to BE IN CHARGE.

        5. Get her out in nature. A lot. Camp, hike, bicycle, DIY, yard work, whatever. Give her a set of tools (if she’s inclined that way) and give her materials to create with.

        6. Make sure she gets lots of good sleep.

        7. Wear her out.

        That’s my 2¢.

    • PieInTheSky

      If XX had a proper critical diversity studies degree it would have been 4 dollars so better. But this is good to so congrats.

    • Gender Traitor

      Finally! It’s about time! Did she ask for it (again,) or did they finally realize they needed someone to work those extra few hours?

      • Mojeaux

        She applied for an open posted position.

        I’m not sure what it is exactly but the words “freight inspector” have been thrown around. I think possibly dispatch is involved.

    • Mojeaux

      But I just have to say this. Whether or not I think my husband should go to college (which I do) (which he refuses to), I am SOOOOOOO happy my kids knew they didn’t want to go to college and/or weren’t suited to it. They’re 21 and 18 respectively, making good money in relatively inflation-proof industries and doing much better than working toward a useless English degreee.

      • Gender Traitor

        What do you think your hubby should study?

      • Mojeaux

        Accounting. He would be a fantastic forensic accountant and I think he’d love it.

      • Gender Traitor

        But he really wants to be a lion tamer, doesn’t he? 🦁

      • PieInTheSky

        I do not think he has the proper hat for that

  5. The Late P Brooks

    I’d be good with having sex every morning, day and night.

    A FABULOUS NEW CAREER AWAITS YOU, OFF-WORLD.

    • rhywun

      Her boyfriend is gay and/or has a sidepiece.

      • trshmnstr

        Or she expect him to do all the work and that she get all the benefit of it.

        Limp fish syndrome.

      • Drake

        Or the boyfriend wrote it and reversed the genders.

      • Mojeaux

        No, he’s got a porn problem.

      • ron73440

        20 something and happy with once a week, while the girl wants more?

        Something’s not adding up.

      • Not Adahn

        Or she’s put on 80# since they first met.

      • Not Adahn

        Or, she’s in her 20s, he’s a 60 year old sugar daddy.

      • Not Adahn

        Or the Bene Gesserit are putting an inhibitor in his diet.

      • slumbrew

        Or he needs to lay off the soy and get his T checked.

        20s and once a week does not compute.

      • trshmnstr

        20s and once a week does not compute.

        I was there at a couple points. Weekly, maybe even every other week. It was during law school, and the mix of likely undiagnosed depression, horrible eating habits, 12-14 hour days, and hours of additional daily homework and reading assignments meant I was hardly conscious long enough at home to bother, let alone to desire it.

        That issue cleared up pretty quick once life resumed a healthy cadence.

        If I had to do it again, I would just do full time law school so that we could’ve build a good foundation to the marriage instead of starting from the ground level in year 4 with a ton of debt and, as is apparent in hindsight, relational dysfunction.

    • Suthenboy

      The Mrs. and I were at it day and night well into our 50’s.
      That dude is gay and she is an idiot.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    Go, XX!

  7. Ownbestenemy

    Ugh. Chasing a gremlin in the frequency generation of the radar is not how I wanted to spend my Friday. What makes it worse is our technical documentation says that the pulse should be 200mv ‘typical’. Typical? So what is good and what is bad?

    • Ted S.

      William Shatner says that gremlin is on the wing.

      • ron73440

        William Shatner says that gremlin is on the wing.

        John Lithgow: That happened to me too!

      • Nephilium

        ron73440:

        One of my favorite jokes ever. Of course, now they would have to work in Adam Scott as well.

      • ron73440

        One of my favorite jokes ever.

        When I first saw it on Third Rock, I hadn’t seen the original Twilight Zone, so I thought they were just referencing the movie.

        When I saw the original show with Shatner, I almost fell off the couch laughing.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        N-O S-M-O-K-I-N-G! Nnnnnoooo smoking!

      • Rat on a train

        Airlines need to stop meal service before midnight.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Be sure to Pacer yourself when looking for Gremlins.

      • Gender Traitor

        That’s the Spirit!

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        You lot always seem to Ramble on.

    • Chipping Pioneer

      I’ll trade you. Our dishwasher is currently in pieces on the kitchen floor. I think I’ve successfully diagnosed and corrected the problem, but getting it back together is going to be a bear.

  8. Aloysious

    i AM STOICALLY WAITING FOR NEXT sTOIC fRIDAY.

    tHANKS FOR ALL YOU DO, RON.

    • Aloysious

      *sighs wearily*

      I rolled a one. Critical fail at caps lock.

    • ron73440

      i WILL BE BACK NEXT WEEK

      I PROMISE

      • Aloysious

        Yep. Good fortune with your car troubles.

        Maybe you should borrow UCS’ mechanicen gloves.

      • R.J.

        BY NEXT WEEK MEAN…

        Had to be said.

  9. The Late P Brooks

    Ive noticed 12-15yr is a nice sweet spot

    Okay, groomer.

  10. The Late P Brooks

    our technical documentation says that the pulse should be 200mv ‘typical’.

    give or take.

    • slumbrew

      200, 221, whatever it takes

      • Ownbestenemy

        Me to engineer: We are getting 54mv, seems bad as the assembly is an RF driver
        Engineer: Well..um, I am not sure it matters.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Hey, you had a question for me?
        AC system?

      • slumbrew

        Hey Yusef,

        Just wondering if you had thoughts on whether it was worth an extra $1k for a Bosch gas furnace vs. American Standard.

        I ended up going with the American Standard – also comes with a $600 federal tax credit. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

        (The “cheap” option was a Trane; other place quoted me a Carrier).

  11. PieInTheSky

    What guy in his 20s only wants to fuck once a week?

    • Sean

      What guy in his 20s 50s only wants to fuck once a week?

      FTFY.

      • Beau Knott

        At 73, there’s a real difference between wants to fuck and is able to fuck once a week. Sigh.

      • slumbrew

        The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.

    • slumbrew

      Theories abound.

    • Suthenboy

      She is a beard and doesnt know it. What is it with women like that?

    • Suthenboy

      She said he only wants to fuck HER once per week. He probably hates it.

  12. PieInTheSky

    I got a 20 lei bill as change today. I had no idea it existed. Never saw one in my life.

    • UnCivilServant

      According to the internet, the 20 and 500 are “rarely used”. I guess it’s like the US $2, real, but not often spotted in the wild.

      • PieInTheSky

        In the good old days we had 4 extra zeroes… Everyone was a millionaire

  13. Chipping Pioneer

    Dear ZARDOZ,

    Is it advisable to snark on LinkedIn? It keeps showing me an ad about some dumb shit that Mark Cuban is doing.

    My reply would be something like:

    “So inspiring to see Mark Cuban overcome his severe developmental disabilities to achieve success in his career!”

    • ron73440

      I like the one that says Mark Cuban is an inspiration, because it shows that even complete idiots can become wealthy in America.

      • R.J.

        It is so embarrassing that he is in the DFW metroplex.

      • trshmnstr

        So true. It is the garbagest of garbage social media.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Depends. Do you use or plan to use LinkedIn for any sort of professional or employment use? It’s already mostly business FB anyhow.

      • trshmnstr

        I just cleaned out everybody I have never met from linked in. Now my feed is a bunch of ads and not much else. I dropped over 300 connections, all randos who either connected with me because were in the same field or because they want to sell me something.

        I log in once every week or two on order to make sure no recruiters or conferences have contacted me. Otherwise, it’s worthless.

      • R.J.

        So true.

    • rhywun

      I just got an email from them congratulating me on 15 years at LinkedIn.

      I haven’t logged in in like 14 years.

  14. PieInTheSky

    I stopped by the irish pub for a beer and the tv that normally has rugby football or cricket now shows figure skating. What the fuck.

      • PieInTheSky

        no. most of the regulars were in. and there is no such thing. But it is the logical conclusion.

      • PutridMeat

        most of the regulars were in.

        Maybe one of the regulars requested it. Because he’s like, you know, gay.

      • slumbrew

        And, of course, the follow-up

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Speaking of childhood discipline, this memory fragment popped to the surface. One of my very very few forays into actively dealing with a child.

    Family holiday gathering. My sister’s son (7? 8?) was careening around being an obnoxious little shit, so I grabbed him and told him he had to sit quietly with me instead of rampaging around. my sister got huffy and sent him off to one of the bedrooms to be by himself until he could behave.

    Being by yourself shouldn’t be a punishment.

    • Mojeaux

      My dad would’ve backhanded me into next week if I’d been doing that.

    • trshmnstr

      It’s only a punishment when they’re missing out on something better. I sent the eldest to her bed the other day for intentionally rushing out past her sister and taking an outdoor toy that her sister was saying that she was going to play with.

      After 15 minutes, I found her in the bed reading a book. She was rather ambivalent about the punishment being over.

      We are not gentle parents. We are not our kids’ friends. We spank, we give disproportionate punishments as deterrants from certain behaviors, we expect a lot from our kids.

      OTOH, we trust them to do a lot more than most other kids their age because we know they’re not little shits. They’re not horrible to be around, and they’re capable of interacting in an adult context.

    • rhywun

      Being by yourself shouldn’t be a punishment.

      Maybe it is to some. Certainly not to me.

  16. The Late P Brooks

    After 15 minutes, I found her in the bed reading a book. She was rather ambivalent about the punishment being over.

    My mom told me once that she told my dad (about me), “If you think you’re punishing him by sending him to his room, you’re kidding yourself.”

    It all depends, I guess.

    • trshmnstr

      It’s fine in the moments where you just need the kids to be separate for a few minutes. The 3 year old wanted to ride the toy for a few minutes, and the 7 year old needed to learn that there are consequences to being a jerk to your little sister.

      It wasn’t really a full on discipline moment, more of a “I see what you’re doing there, and that shit’s gonna stop right now” moment. I was pleasantly surprised that she wasn’t sulking, to be honest.

  17. UnCivilServant

    🤬

    The corner of my storm door snagged my pantleg and tore it.

    Today is just racking up the little annoyances.

      • Gender Traitor

        Tundra, unless it happened to tear open a seam, I’m afraid it’s a goner. One possible long shot: an iron-on patch of the appropriate color on the inside of the leg, but I don’t know how sturdy that would be.

      • R.J.

        The raggedy orphan look is in this year.

      • UnCivilServant

        It was the middle of the flat panel. Whatever I opt to do about it, these will never be work pants again.

      • rhywun
    • Toxteth O'Grady

      See next thread, not that it will help.

      • R.J.

        Will it weave together some constructive answers?

      • Gender Traitor

        There doesn’t seam to be a “next thread” yet.

      • Tundra

        GT, we’re just needling the boy.

      • UnCivilServant

        Billy Mays says…

        Sorry I’m late for holloween?

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