The Hat and The Hair 2024 – Episode 5

by | Dec 18, 2024 | Hat and Hair 2024 | 109 comments

“Muh Pooh Bear,” the hat moaned.

“He’s not coming,” the hair said.

“I know!’ the hat said. “I just wanted to party with Xi.”

The hair rolled his eyes, nestled as they were under his dramatic swoop.

“Xi. Is that his first name or his last name?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, google it.”

“You do it!”

“I won’t enact your labor for you!”

“ENACT!” the hat hollered.

“Father,” Barron said from the doorway of the South White House. “There are drones overhead.”

“Drones?” Donald asked.

“Large drones. Covered in blinking lights, red and blue.”

“No white? No white lights? Downright unamerican. Sounds like the ones from New Jersey,” Donald said. “I’ve been briefed on them. Cheap Chinese trash.”

“But they are over our home now,” Barron said, crossing the room to stand by his father.

“The boy is afraid,” the hair said.

“Chinese drones? Why would Uncle Xi do that? What if they have grenades like in Ukraine?” Barron asked. “Or lasers?”

“Where is the Space Force?” the hat demanded. “Where are our American counter-drones? Elon? ELON!”

“He’s in Canada,” the hair said. “Baby Momma drama.”

“He should just buy it while he’s up,” the hat said.

“Who wants it?” the hair asked.

Something landed on the terracotta roof tiles, bouncing, rolling, landing with a thump by the pool.

“DOWN, SON!” Donald screamed, pulling the boy down under his tactical desk.

“Don’t leave me on this desk, dammit!” the hat screamed.

“Donald! The hat!” the hair cried.

The Trumps waited under the desk, breathing heavily.

“Where is the Secret Service, Father?” Barron whispered. “Is it Butler all over again?”

“This is unclassy bullshit!” Donald said, climbing from under the desk. He slapped the big red button beside the Diet Coke button and thundered: “INITIATE FLORIDA MAN PROTOCOL!”

Loud country music tore the air from enormous speakers, proud patriotic music about America and dogs and Applebee’s. Donald pulled off his jacket and tie, and ripped his dress shirt, abalone buttons ricocheting around the room. He smoothed his wifebeater and stuck out his chest.

“Father! You look so American!” Barron said, the pride in his voice swelling like the deafening chorus on the speaker.

“FUCK YEAH!” the hat said.

“OK, yeah, so awesome, I have to admit,” the hair said.

“Thank you, my son,” Donald said. He put on MAGA hat, took up the shotgun leaning against the wall and opened the patio doors.

“C’mon, you Chinese bastards!” Donald said defiantly and began firing wildly into the air.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

109 Comments

  1. DEG

    “Muh Pooh Bear,” the hat moaned.

    “He’s not coming,” the hair said.

    “I know!’ the hat said. “I just wanted to party with Xi.”

    These euphemisms.

  2. Nephilium

    I assume the Hair took on the appearance of a mullet?

  3. DEG

    “I won’t enact your labor for you!”

    Fan service!

  4. EvilSheldon

    “ChatGTP, write me a country song about Applebee’s, in the style of Lee Greenwood…”

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      (Chorus)
      “At Applebee’s, we raise a glass,
      To the simple things that always last.
      Good friends, good food, and the laughter’s free,
      This little hometown spot means the world to me.
      Under the stars and neon light,
      Life feels right at Applebee’s Friday night.”

      It is better than the current pop country.

  5. rhywun

    I can’t wait to see what hijinks Barron gets up to in the next four years.

    • R C Dean

      + 1 fuck tunnel

      • Compelled Speechless

        Obviously Hunter will still be down there. Living off of the remains of Blackberry after they accidentally got sealed in together. The personality of Dark Cracky having completely taken over his psyche. Make it happen SF.

  6. Sensei

    “He’s in Canada,” the hair said. “Baby Momma drama.”

    Reminded me immediately of this. Critics are trying to spin that he “can’t” get clearance rather than he doesn’t “need” clearance.

    Why Musk Doesn’t Have Access to SpaceX’s Biggest Government Secrets
    https://www.wsj.com/tech/musk-spacex-security-clearance-secrets-b9774346?st=Wwq8LB&reflink=desktopwebshare_permalink

    Because he actually doesn’t want to know and be conflicted. Happens all the time on Wall St. CEOs don’t know deal details by design.

    • slumbrew

      Next you’ll be telling me our CEO can’t just walk into our SCIF because he feels like it.

      • Sensei

        But…

        “The CEOs of Boeing, Lockheed Martin and their rocket joint venture, United Launch Alliance, have authorizations for sensitive compartmented information, according to people familiar with their clearances.”

        The ever reliable “people familiar”. How do they know and how do they disclose this legally?

      • slumbrew

        TBF, he may in fact have clearance, come to think of it.

      • EvilSheldon

        Access to the good stuff is (supposedly) controlled individually according to established need-to-know. In other words, just because you’ve submitted to the indignities of a TS/SCI backgrounder, doesn’t mean you can just wander in to the Bush and sign out the Kennedy assassination files.

        In DC, clearance is mostly about social standing and resume filler.

      • OBJ FRANKELSON

        ES,

        You are correct. You are read on for specific compartments of information at particular facilities. Even if you were read on to the requisite compartment at one site, you would still have to submit a visitor request to visit another facility.

  7. The Late P Brooks

    “This is unclassy bullshit!” Donald said, climbing from under the desk.

    Get out there on the terrace with your pearl handled .45s, like George C Scott in Patton.

    • EvilSheldon

      Or your M1919A6 like General Jack D. Ripper?

    • juris imprudent

      pearl handled .45s

      Ivory – you’d only find pearl handled in a pimp’s waistband.

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        It is Trump…

      • kinnath

        trump would have gold-plated revolvers

      • Jarflax

        Nacre please!

    • Not Adahn

      “Son, only a pimp in a Louisiana whore- house carries pearl-handled revolvers. These are ivory.”

      • EvilSheldon

        I dunno man. I genuinely like the hidden compartments, but the overall aesthetic reminds me of the desks in my junior high school library.

      • Not Adahn

        It is a bit boring, though I suppose that adds to the security.

  8. The Late P Brooks

    As president, Trump will have the power to give Musk and others working for DOGE broad access to classified information as they search for cuts.

    “Where does the money go?”

    “We can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”

    • The Other Kevin

      OR… now hear me out… Trump declassifies tons of things that have no legitimate reason to be classified in the first place.

      • juris imprudent

        Well, there’s the four years accounted for.

  9. Tonio

    “Donald! The hat!” the hair cried.

    So poignant.

  10. The Late P Brooks

    OR… now hear me out… Trump declassifies tons of things that have no legitimate reason to be classified in the first place.

    Like Joe’s shipments of loot to Ukraine?

  11. Fourscore

    Barron has a lot of catching up to do but his big brother will help him along the way.

    I see The Hunter hanging out at the White house, what exactly is his role? Does he have an office? Does he get paid? Man needs some walkin’ around money,

    • rhywun

      Hunter has a hidey-hole downstairs in the fuck tunnels. Donald doesn’t know about it – yet.

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        Fuck Tunnels? You mean JFK official library annex!

    • SugarFree

      The operate theory is that Hunter was living at the White House to hide from process servers for the stripper he knocked up suing for child support.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    This all sounds familiar

    Global security leaders are warning nuclear threats are growing as weapons spending surged to $91.4 billion last year. At the same time, private bunker sales are on the rise globally, from small metal boxes to crawl inside of to extravagant underground mansions.

    Critics warn these bunkers create a false perception that a nuclear war is survivable. They argue that people planning to live through an atomic blast aren’t focusing on the real and current dangers posed by nuclear threats, and the critical need to stop the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction.

    Meanwhile, government disaster experts say bunkers aren’t necessary. A Federal Emergency Management Agency 100-page guide on responding to a nuclear detonation focuses on having the public get inside and stay inside, ideally in a basement and away from outside walls for at least a day. Those existing spaces can provide protection from radioactive fallout, says FEMA.

    But increasingly, buyers say bunkers offer a sense of security. The market for U.S. bomb and fallout shelters is forecast to grow from $137 million last year to $175 million by 2030, according to a market research report from BlueWeave Consulting. The report says major growth factors include “the rising threat of nuclear or terrorist attacks or civil unrest.”

    Just hide under your desk. You’ll be fine.

    • The Other Kevin

      “$137 million last year to $175 million by 2030”

      This is a big deal? You can account for that increase just from inflation.

    • creech

      +1 George Costanza

    • R C Dean

      If I had big lottery money in the bank when the ICBM silo was for sale outside of Tucson several years ago, I would have absolutely bought that sucker and renovated it.

    • rhywun

      What part of Russia will not accept Ukraine in NATO does the rest of Europe not understand?

  13. Tundra

    …proud patriotic music about America and dogs and Applebee’s.

    Legit lol.

    Go get ’em Donald.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Nonproliferation advocates bristle at the bunkers, shelters or any suggestion that a nuclear war is survivable.

    “Bunkers are, in fact, not a tool to survive a nuclear war, but a tool to allow a population to psychologically endure the possibility of a nuclear war,” said Alicia Sanders-Zakre at the International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons.

    Sanders-Zakre called radiation the “uniquely horrific aspect of nuclear weapons,” and noted that even surviving the fallout doesn’t prevent long-lasting, intergenerational health crises. “Ultimately, the only solution to protect populations from nuclear war is to eliminate nuclear weapons.”

    The doomsday cultists will always be with us, in one form or another.

    • kinnath

      with enough shovels . . . .

      • Mojeaux

        Here’s where I am:

        Moderate blast damage radius (5 psi): 12 km (454 km²)
        At 5 psi overpressure, most residential buildings collapse, injuries are universal, fatalities are widespread. The chances of a fire starting in commercial and residential damage are high, and buildings so damaged are at high risk of spreading fire. Often used as a benchmark for moderate damage in cities. Optimal height of burst to maximize this effect is 5,340 m.

      • Tundra

        Colorado will cease to be.

      • R C Dean

        Same here.

        Apparently, one of the underestimated things in a nuke strike is fires. I would expect the mountains around Tucson (and the desert) to go up in smoke after the strike on the Air Force base and the boneyard.

      • Drake

        If I’m at home, it just depends on how hard they hit Lockheed.

      • Muzzled Woodchipper

        If the closest largest city were nuked, I’d be on the very edge of the line between 3rd degree burns and 1psi, which is “breaks lots of glass” territory.

        I do suspect, however, that this city isn’t real high on anyone’s target list unless Sugarfree is the target.

    • Suthenboy

      Job security: Choose a completely hopeless cause with strong emotional appeal, harp on it and collect donations for the cause.

    • SarumanTheGreat

      So if threatened by nukes their advice would be to surrender?

      Not in my foxhole.

    • Sensei

      This was done to a coworker on a trading desk. Only everything was aluminum foil.

      Since it was desk on a trading floor they did every single object. So every pen, each piece of content in his desk drawers, etc.

      • Suthenboy

        “You know I have like 800 emails, right?”
        Who still uses email? I threw up my hands when my email count was in the low four digits. Who has time to dig through that shit?

      • UnCivilServant

        A lot of my work is done in email.

        I’ve churned through thousands of emails after a vacation in a couple of workdays.

        It’s not that difficult to stay on top of it.

      • Nephilium

        Suthenboy:

        E-mail is the best asynchronous communication we’ve got in the tech world. When going through numbers, large strings, or sample data sets, you don’t want to be trying to transcribe them from a phone call/voice mail.

      • Mojeaux

        I tell my clients I do not want to talk on the phone because I’ll forget what was said. I need a paper trail. Please use email.

        They don’t, but that’s a consequence of me having my phone number on my website (which, by the way, has gotten me business where it might not have otherwise).

        However, I do take extensive notes on what is said in phone calls and I tell them I’m taking notes.

      • R C Dean

        I like the Euro method of dealing with email while they are on vacation.

        You get a reply email that says “I’ll be out until ____________. All emails received until then will be automatically deleted.”

        IOW, if it’s that freakin’ important, make a note and ping me when I’m back in the office.

      • UnCivilServant

        To be fair to Suthen, Ents don’t need email much.

      • R C Dean

        Moje, my rule was any email that has gone through two cycles of replies results in a phone call/meeting. I loved email – paper trail, everything in writing, etc. But there are times when you just gotta talk it through.

      • UnCivilServant

        RC, that is an incredibly stupid approach if they carry out that threat (and rude to make). The accumulated vacation emails are of a great deal of help in catching up on what’s been happening without going and pestering everybody and making a nuisance by being behind on what’s been going on.

      • UnCivilServant

        That was in Re the Euro foolishness

      • R C Dean

        UnCiv, I got a few of those when I was working. The first couple of times, I was peeved. Then I made a note, pinged when they got back if I still needed to, and it worked out fine. 90+% of the email traffic while you’re on vacation is just wasted pixels anyway. On top of the X% that is wasted all the time, a lot of the rest gets sorted out by the time you get back.

      • Gender Traitor

        Ents don’t need email much.

        But jeeminy criminy, the phone calls take forEVER! 🙄

      • Suthenboy

        Email is a great idea but like all great ideas it has been ruined. Reading and responding to email is not actually getting anything done.

      • Mojeaux

        Moje, my rule was any email that has gone through two cycles of replies results in a phone call/meeting. I loved email – paper trail, everything in writing, etc. But there are times when you just gotta talk it through.

        Totally agree, as some people just lose the plot with too many quoteds. I have a client whom I can barely communicate because she phrases things in such an odd way. Also, she wants A LOT of tweaks and changes that are small. Also, she speaks in acronyms (like, the titles of her books). I mean, we have a hard time communicating, so I have to send lots of “to clarify, do you mean ___?” emails. She also has a tendency to write these long-ass emails without paragraphs and I have sent it back and flatly asked her to put this email in bullet points.

        Anyway, I’ve been working with her for 14-1/2 years. She fired me once around 12 years ago, then came back complaining that the person she replaced me with couldn’t understand or do what she wanted. Orly.

      • UnCivilServant

        @RC – I suppose it depends on the nature of your work.

        Given how many things I’ve got in flight and ongoing projects, there is always worthwhile information in the accumulated emails. Even if I can Ctrl-A, Del the automated messages folder contents as being out of date. I specifically look for human originated messages for the updates.

      • Mark76

        UCS, I saw your request in the previous thread, and thought I’d mention mustie1 on YouTube. He works on cars and various small engine things, and does a lot of explaining. He has a series on a VW pick up truck that was used by a lumber business in the early 60’s, and lots of other multi-video projects. He and John Muir (How to Keep Your Volkswagen Alive) are the main reason I’m able to work on my own cars.

      • Gender Traitor

        Reading and responding to email is not actually getting anything done.

        Depends on what you need to get done and who has the ability/access to do it. If I email our payroll processor to “please make this change to Employee X’s [whatever] deduction” because I don’t have access to do it myself, that’s how I have to get it done. And yes, I want the paper electron trail to prove what I said and when I said it.

      • Tundra

        I do 90% of my job through email. Soooooo much more efficient than phone calls.

      • rhywun

        I had a boss who was big on the phone calls.

        He was an ass & everyone heaved a huge sigh of relief when he left for greener pastures.

        Email is vastly superior unless you need an answer right now.

      • kinnath

        phone calls

        teleconferencing

        emails

        chat

        All tools have some value and have both strengths and weaknesses

        All tools are dangerous in the wrong hands

  15. Suthenboy

    One might be tempted to think that the fedgov is a criminal cabal attempting to escape any accountability.
    Late stage aristocracy.

    Credibility? We dont need no stinkin’ credibility!

  16. Gustave Lytton

    Ah, i see Trump graduated from the Joe Biden School of Home Defense and Shotgunnery.

  17. R C Dean

    I gotta say, I do hope the media starts referring to Trump as “Florida Man” during his second term.

    “Florida Man Vetos Spending Bill”

    “Florida Man Impeached for Record Third Time”

    • Sensei

      I’m fully on board.

      “Florida Man Stops Congress With This One Trick”

    • The Other Kevin

      He can keep right on running things from Florida as far as I’m concerned.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Is Inslee trying to position himself as a frontrunner for the Dem President race with that wealth tax proposal?

    • UnCivilServant

      Larger rodents eat smaller rodents? Wait until they learned about rodents’ tendencies towards cannibalism.

    • The Other Kevin

      Where can I get some of those squirrels for my yard?

    • Suthenboy

      An awful lot of people today grew up seeing Bambi and the like at an early , impressionable age.
      Basic tenet of Mother Nature: all living things live at the expense of other living things.
      Even lichens compete for space.

    • Suthenboy

      I am making a list of sensational but meaningless words and phrases commonly used to bait people into reading, buying, clicking etc.
      ‘Stunned Scientists’ is near the top of the list.
      Perhaps at some point I will ask the AI thingy to compose a few paragraphs using the list. Hey, I could become a political speech writer.

      • The Other Kevin

        “On the rise”.

    • Bobarian LMD

      California ground squirrels are monsters. They will eat anything, living or dead and are destructive as hell. They turn hillsides into swis cheese and can collapse a building foundation.

      Also very tough to eradicate.

      How is it that these scientists are just finding this out?

  19. Sensei

    Interesting… I can actually see this particularly considering how nationalistic Japan is. The now no longer used term for this is a “white knight”.

    ‘Foxconn risk’ sped up Honda-Nissan merger talks, sources say
    Japanese carmakers reacted to Taiwan company’s move to acquire shares from Renault

    20241218 Foxconn and Nissan Honda merge
    Honda, which formed a strategic partnership with Nissan in August, was worried by Foxconn’s recent moves to acquire shares in Nissan. (Nikkei Montage/Source photos by Sae Kamae and Hideaki Ryugen)

    Nikkei staff writers
    December 18, 2024 14:51 JST
    TOKYO — Honda Motor and Nissan Motor will enter into merger talks in order to preempt a possible bid for the latter from Taiwan’s Hon Hai Precision Industry, also known as Foxconn, according to people familiar with the negotiations.

    Foxconn, whose main business is contract manufacturing — known for assembling Apple’s iPhone — but announced in 2019 that it would enter the electric vehicle business, was working behind the scenes to acquire a stake in Nissan. These moves had been noticed for a few months, sources said.

    • Sensei

      Educational!

      The original is such a part of my childhood.

  20. The Other Kevin

    People on Twitter are getting pretty spicy about that CR bill. The more you hear about it the more infuriating it is. It’s not just the pork, it funds a censorship program, gives Congress a raise, allows Congress to ignore subpoenas for their communications, and lets Congressfolks out of Obamacare.

      • The Other Kevin

        As predicted, they waited until the last minute, put in a bunch of things none of us wants, and are crying “But muh farms! But muh disaster recovery!” As if they have no choice but to pass it.

  21. Sensei

    CNN does not disappoint!

    CNN
    The Fed just cut rates — but when Trump is president, the next move is anyone’s guess
    53 minutes ago
    By John Towfighi, Elisabeth Buchwald & Bryan Mena

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