The Hat and The Hair: 2nd Term – Episode 7

by | Jan 15, 2025 | The Hat and The Hair: 2nd Term | 106 comments

“So, I do get to come to the Inauguration, right?” Elon asked.

“Of course you do,” Donald said effusively. “You’re my favorite White person I know.”

“Christ,” the hat said. “Four years of this shit.”

“He keeps talking about Diablo II,” the hair said.

“Bitch should be tightening up his Tyranid loadout,” the hat.

“Oh, God, not you too,” the hair said.

“If I have to play Warhammer with him, so do you,” the hat said.

“My grandkids call you ‘Uncle Elon.’ Barron looks up to you,” Donald continued. “You’re part of the family.”

“Don’t you mean Barron looks down on me?” Elon asked leadingly.

“Yeah, because he’s tall,” Donald said flatly.

“I get it!” the hat crowed.

“Uh, we all got it,” the hair said.

“Humor is subjective,” the hat sniffed.

“That’s what unfunny people always say.”

“I’m fucking hilarious.”

“Yes, knock-knock jokes about pubic hair are the very heights of comedy.”

“Where is my nephew anyway?” Elon asked.

“Getting ready for a tour of the most depraved sex-ports of Asia,” Donald said.

“I could go with him,” Elon offered. “I know a lot about Asian sex. And ports. Like boats.”

“The boy will get a cool five million in cash if he comes back without an STD.”

“Smart,” the hat said.

“What’s smart about it?” the hair asked.

“The boy gets some yellow stank on it, wears a condom, gets five million,” the hat said. “What? Are you stupid or something?”

“His father is a billionaire,” the hair sex. “He doesn’t need five million in cash.”

“He does if he wants a top-line sex bed.”

“Aren’t all beds sex-beds?”

“Yes, very droll” the hat said. “I said a top-line sex bed. It’s like hospital bed, but with pre-set fucking positions, and the mattress is stuffed with money. All tens!”

“Shouldn’t you be launching rockets or something?” Donald asked as Elon lingered in the transitional Oval Office.

“Nah,” Elon said. “I’m cool to hang out.”

“Well, I need to write a Tweet,” Donald said.

“We call them X-creations now,” Elon said proudly.

“No one is going to call them that,” the hair said.

“Excreations?” the hat asked, farting out a button.

“Elon…” Donald said.

“OK, yeah, President business,” Elon said sadly.

“Doesn’t he have, like, eleven kids?” the hair asked. “Can’t he go hang out with them or something?”

“Well, ten-and-a-half,” the hat said.

“Are we still on for dinner?” Elon asked.

“Sure, OK, tremendous,” Donald said joylessly.

“‘Ten-and-a-half kids,’” the hat said.

“Yeah, I get it,” the hair said.

“I told you, I’m fucking hilarious.”

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

106 Comments

  1. The Late P Brooks

    “The boy will get a cool five million in cash if he comes back without an STD.”

    Fuckling incentives- how do they work?

    • Sean

      It’s all fun and games until you get the clap from a LBFM.

      • DrOtto

        LBFM – Lady Boy From Malaysia?

      • Not Adahn

        Filipina. Little Brown Fuck Machine.

      • EvilSheldon

        Large Breasted Futanari Mermaid.

      • Jarflax

        So Lady Boy From Manila?

      • EvilSheldon

        Where the clap you get is from the sound of your own cheeks…

      • Not Adahn

        A long time ago Jesse recommended (for purely historical reasons giving his tastes) My Secret Life.

        Even back the “the clap” was a thing. Though the term “gamahuche” has disappeared.

      • Not Adahn

        How is a futanari mermaid even possible?

      • EvilSheldon

        Anything is possible when you’re the DM!

      • UnCivilServant

        Or a sufficiently determined artist.

        The internet left a layer of mental scar tissue that makes me worry about myself.

      • Bobarian LMD

        How is a futanari mermaid even possible?

        Other half of fish and human?

      • UnCivilServant

        No, Bobarian, that wouldn’t have any visual cues that it’s supposed to be a dude with tits, since there’s nowhere for the mammary glands to be attached.

      • Bobarian LMD

        False!

        Or this!

      • R C Dean

        “How is a futanari mermaid even possible?”

        Damn you for making me give that way more cycles than I ever wanted.

      • Grummun

        TIL what “futanari” means. Regrettably.

    • Fourscore

      “The boy will get a cool five million in cash if he comes back without an STD.”

      Barron’s’ banging for bucks. Boy is smart and better’n downtown

  2. Ownbestenemy

    “Humor is subjective,” the hat sniffed.

    If you cannot hear the Hat’s voice in that statement…you are broken.

  3. The Other Kevin

    “You’re my favorite White person I know.”

    Right out of the gate.

  4. Not Adahn

    Diablo II < Diablo.

    Heck, they're not even the same genre.

    • Nephilium

      Huh? They’re both ARPG’s, that started and defined the genre.

      • Jarflax

        Dragon Slayer has a sad.

      • Not Adahn

        Diablo was “be sneaky and smart.” Diablo II+ is “we have unlimited enemies spawn now, maximize ur dps, spam and grind”

      • R.J.

        The one I replay and enjoy the most is original Diablo.

    • UnCivilServant

      I never really got into Diablo 1, I got sick of that town and didn’t realize that the single dungeon was the game. My sense of progression wasn’t keyed into what the game expected me to key off of and my reaction was “I’m still HERE?!

      • Not Adahn

        Because of the font and my screen at the time, I thought Wirt was “The Pig Legged Boy.”

      • UnCivilServant

        What an unfortunate deformity.

      • Not Adahn

        Yeah, I thought it was just another part of the corruption/horror setting.

      • Nephilium

        Not Adahn:

        The Deadly Bulb!

        Oh, there’s a pig there.

    • Evan from Evansville

      Warcraft III > Warcraft II > Warcraft. Look how that works! Bro and I rocked 2 hard on Windows 3.1. The intro is burnt into my memory. Oh, the excitement 8yo Ev felt.
      https://youtu.be/ZPceWwNia6I

      On another coin, Thief (1 and 2) were masterful sneak games. Such a fun setting. Loved FPS, particularly Soldier of Fortune in that time, but a different animal.

  5. DEG

    “So, I do get to come to the Inauguration, right?” Elon asked.

    “Of course you do,” Donald said effusively. “You’re my favorite White person I know.”

    What a minute. I thought Elon was African?

    😉

    • Fourscore

      A real African-American

  6. DEG

    “His father is a billionaire,” the hair sex. “He doesn’t need five million in cash.”

    I like the typo.

  7. DEG

    I just noticed that the Sugarfree logo looks like the headstamp at the base of ammunition.

    • Not Adahn

      I thought it was a (sugar free) Life-Saver.

      • DEG

        Huh. Could be that too.

      • DEG

        I mean, I see both now.

    • kinnath

      It’s the logo from one of the major sugar brands. But I don’t remember which one.

      • kinnath

        Cyrstal Sugar (google helps)

      • Not Adahn

        This chatroom is so educational.

      • DEG

        Now I see all three.

      • Tundra

        Thanks kinnath. I knew I had seen it but the CTE struck!

      • kinnath

        You are welcome

    • Bobarian LMD

      A shotgun shell loaded with rock-salt aspertane.

      • R C Dean

        Is that a sweetener for people with Asperger’s?

    • Suthenboy

      The Dems have done this sort of thing before in other states. For the authoritarian there is their way or no way at all. King of ashes and all that.

      • Not Adahn

        How do you get sworn in in secret? And how does that happen without a quorum?

      • Suthenboy

        I dont know MN law. I see a claim there that it is ‘illegitimate’. I dont know that much about the politics of that but I have been told by several old people that the socialist movement got legs in the US because of ‘midwest farmers’. I only generally know about The Grange and problems with railroads. I know my grandfather cursed the railroads any time the subject came up.
        I lump all of them in with the other unions, just another flavor of commie.

      • Gustave Lytton

        And Republicans in Democrat controlled state.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      Sounds like a threat to democracy (as opposed to Our Democracy). It’s also pretty stupid since Walz would have to sign any legislation that’s passed, so a check and balance is already in place.

    • R C Dean

      I was reading that they got sworn in, in secret, before the day specified by law for swearing-in. By a retired judge.

      Of course it’s illegitimate.

  8. Tundra

    “Well, ten-and-a-half,” the hat said.

    Nice.

  9. Suthenboy

    Mojeaux, I do have some advice. Mrs. Suthenboy went through almost the exact same situation you are in. Her cousins and aunt behaved very badly over a little money and a few acres of land. These days the family mostly doesnt speak. My wife wont speak to them because they were so awful and revealed that. They wont talk because they cannot admit to the horrible shit they did. The money and land is all gone of course but the family is broken. My wife at least has no guilt over what happened.
    My advice: Stick by your mom. What happens now and how everyone behaves is something you all will have to live with for the rest of your lives. Take the high road and stay on it.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Damn you! Damn you to hell!

      I hovered over that link and it lied to me!

      • Ozymandias

        Worse than being rickrolled. You get promised Jennifer Connelly and you get… that.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Wasn’t intentional! Stupid Reddit and their embedded image crap.

      • Tundra

        The fact that it exists should surprise no one here.

        At the same time, my lack of surprise concerns me a little.

        How’s it going, Ozy? Hockey in full swing?

      • Sean

        Wasn’t intentional!

        Uh huh. Sure.

      • Gustave Lytton

        The rickroll part wasn’t intentional.

      • Ozymandias

        Tundra – I missed last weekend’s games as I was away on business, but have two this Sunday. My knee’s been full of fluid this week, so I’m limping around, but I’m slowly improving, so I think I’ll be good to go for Sunday.

        And an apology to Glibs and Editors for not being around on last night’s article, I was caught up with work. Been a recurring theme lately.
        I did get the next few AMST’s in the queue with only 2 left to clean up. I think there’s 5 left in toto.

    • R C Dean

      At around half or less, I believe pits are under-represented there.

      I had a large male (100+ pounds) go straight through a screen door once.

      • Tundra

        We had a St. Bernard when I was a kid who would just casually walk through it onto the deck.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Dags! Gotta love em

      • Tundra

        One Easter we were at the in-laws with our GSD. Everybody was in the dining room except for the dog. My spider sense was tingling so I went into the kitchen just as she was grabbing the roast from the counter. I got it back just in time. My wife laughed so hard when I told her about it on the way home!

    • The Other Kevin

      Bookmarked for the next time my wife mentions she wants a dog.

  10. creech

    It’s peace on our time in the Middle East, thanks to Joe Biden! And we are all going to sleep with a supermodel next week, and discover that pizza, wine and ice cream all have zero calories!

    • rhywun

      A temporary cease fire that returns “some” of the hostages.

      They’re joking, right?

      • kinnath

        No, they are incapable of joking.

  11. R C Dean

    “Christ,” the hat said. “Four years of this shit.”

    Preach it, Hat. Preach it.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    He’s got a pen, a checkbook, and a magic hat

    — President Joe Biden on Tuesday signed an ambitious executive order on artificial intelligence that seeks to ensure the infrastructure needed for advanced AI operations, such as large-scale data centers and new clean power facilities, can be built quickly and at scale in the United States.

    The executive order directs federal agencies to accelerate large-scale AI infrastructure development at government sites, while imposing requirements and safeguards on the developers building on those locations. It also directs certain agencies to make federal sites available for AI data centers and new clean power facilities. Those agencies will help facilitate the infrastructure’s interconnection to the electric grid and help speed up the permitting process.

    ——-

    A report released by the Department of Energy last month estimated that the electricity needed for data centers in the U.S. tripled over the past decade and is projected to double or triple again by 2028, when it could consume up to 12% of the nation’s electricity.

    Wishcraft!

    • rhywun

      A solar farm the size of the Louisiana Purchase ought to cover it.

  13. rhywun

    “Christ,” the hat said. “Four years of this shit.”

    We hear your pain.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Under the new rules, the departments of Defense and Energy will each identify at least three sites where the private sector can build AI data centers. The agencies will run “competitive solicitations” from private companies to build AI data centers on those federal sites, senior administration officials said.

    Developers building on those sites will be required, among other things, to pay for the construction of those facilities and to bring sufficient clean power generation to match the full capacity needs of their data centers. Although the U.S. government will be leasing land to a company, that company would own the materials it creates there, officials said.

    Private companies could never identify potential locations on their own. But they’ll jump right on that “clean energy” commitment.

    • rhywun

      But remember the other guy is the fascist.

    • The Other Kevin

      “Because Trump is unlikely to approve them, California has no choice but to abandon its groundbreaking rules for zero-emission trucks and cleaner locomotives.”

      Boom.

      • UnCivilServant

        Is “groundbreaking” another word for “Insane”?

      • rhywun

        Not sure why they state that Trump has to approve such rules when other states don’t seem to think so.

    • rhywun

      Does California even have “severe air pollution” anymore? Anyway, if this sticks the jig is up. If California of all places can’t sacrifice enough for Gaia, nobody can.

    • R C Dean

      It’s past time to revoke CA special authority to set “environmental” rules otherwise preempted by the Commerce Clause. That’s what they need to be doing, not dinking around the edges.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Red pill:

    ,/em>

    Just saw that, but have not read it yet. Maybe the folks on the coast have suddenly realized they have bigger fish to fry.

    • Tundra

      The butt hurt is palpable.

      Diesel exhaust has been linked to cancer and contains fine particles that can trigger asthma and heart attacks as well as gases that form smog. Low-income, disadvantaged communities of color near ports, freeways and warehouses, especially in the Los Angeles and Long Beach area, have long complained about noxious and dangerous diesel exhaust.

      Lol. Liar.

      • Jarflax

        Sunlight has been linked to cancer. How is smog at blocking UV?

  16. The Late P Brooks

    Bah!

    Stupid shift key.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    The butt hurt is palpable.

    Reality sucks, man. Physics is a pitiless foe.

  18. Grummun

    Sidekick Jonah: “Hey, Lara, what’s that you’re wearing?”

    Lara Croft: “Jaguar pelt.”

    Jonah: “What, you found a jaguar pelt?”

    Lara: “No, I killed a jaguar and skinned it.”

    Jonah: “Wow, you ran into one and had to kill it in self defense?”

    Lara: “No, I went looking for it. Some gomer in town told me where the Empress Jaguars hang out.”

    Jonah: “So … you took time away from your quest to prevent the impending apocalypse, that you caused by the way, to go kill an endangered animal just so you could wear it’s skin?”

    Lara: “Yup. Now, this kid in town told me where the locals buried their dead, so I’m gonna go loot some cultural artifacts. After that, I swear we’ll come back to the apocalypse thing. Probably. Anyway, back in a bit.”

    • UnCivilServant

      Videogame sidekicks don’t point out irrationalities with sidequesting gameplay!

    • Jarflax

      That’s just wrong…
      *looks at my 100 hour Skyrim save in which Alduin is merrily destroying reality while I focus my efforts on collecting masks and daedric artifacts to decorate my house.
      Nevermind, carry on Lara.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Shit I’m still RPing around Riverwood 100 hours later

      • UnCivilServant

        You’re an expert at the lumber mill by now.

      • Not Adahn

        I have very deliberately never typed /played in WoW.

      • rhywun

        So I tried to fire up Skyrim this morning, as I had threatened to do the other day, and…

        A tiny window opens, I cannot choose a resolution in the graphics options dialog and there is no option for full screen that I could see. After some research I saw some answers that did nothing to improve things. Deleted the fucking thing and not going back. I don’t have time for that shit.

        This was not the “anniversary” edition that they want another forty bucks for – maybe that one works but IDGAF anymore.

      • R C Dean

        You too, JarFlax.

        And only one house? Right now, I own all of them, including the three I built.

      • R C Dean

        Meant to add:

        Filling the bookcases so no house has two copies of the same book is proving a challenge.

  19. UnCivilServant

    Da Fuq?

    1:42 PM Arrived at FedEx location GROVE CITY, OH
    Friday, 1/10/25
    6:26 AM At local FedEx facility EVANSVILLE, IN
    7:32 PM Arrived at FedEx location EVANSVILLE, IN
    11:30 PM Departed FedEx location EVANSVILLE, IN
    Saturday, 1/11/25 1:55 PM On the way NASHVILLE, TN
    Tuesday, 1/14/25 10:29 PM Departed FedEx location EVANSVILLE, IN
    Wednesday, 1/15/25 2:23 AM Arrived at FedEx location NASHVILLE, TN

    Waaaaait “At Local fedex Facility” is the last mile depot. The fools sent it to Evansville by mistake and it’s bouncing back and forth now.

      • Sean

        ^^

    • rhywun

      lol I’ve had one bounce back and forth between NY and NJ once. Give it time.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    It’s past time to revoke CA special authority to set “environmental” rules otherwise preempted by the Commerce Clause.

    I’m okay with California setting their own rules, as long as they are only able to enforce them inside their borders. Unfortunately that’s not really the case.

Submit a Comment