The Hat and The Hair 47 – Episode 8

by | Jan 22, 2025 | The Hat and The Hair 47 | 174 comments

“Jesus, so fucking much clean-up,” the hat said as he surveyed the ruins of The Oval Office.

“Smells like that lesbian from the National Cathedral,” the hair said.

“After we get rid of all the illegals, Episcopalians are next,” the hat said darkly.

“Father? What is that?” Barron asked, holding his nose.

“The scent of death, son. Not classy. Not tremendous,” Donald said.

“They even left his hospital bed and a trauma cart,” the hair said.

“Imagine how many times they must have resuscitated him,” the hat said.

“I almost feel sorry for him…” the hair said.

“Oh, fuck off,” the hat replied.

“What have they done to my bathroom?!?” Donald roared from the Presidential Shitter. “The toilet, my lovely gold toilet is gone!”

“Hunter probably hocked it for crack,” the hat said.

“And my bathtub, where I soak and think and plan!” Donald said, looking at Joe’s therapy tub and Hoyer lift.

“Oh, the smell!” the hat said.

“You know that sensitivity to smells is really all about distaste for the lower classes?” the hair asked.

“Fuck off. No, seriously, fuck off. Fuck off and stay fucked off,” the hat said.

“Father?” Barron asked. “What is this hole in the floor?”

“The emergency escape hatch,” Donald said. “It leads to the tunnels JFK used for whoring.”

“I think they were throwing dirty diapers down there,” Barron said.

“I can’t work in here!” Donald yelled, stalking back out the bathroom. “Get all this trash out of here!” he said to the group of interns, the scions of allies, trailing him.

“So many of them aren’t going to make it,” the hair said as all the interns tried to leave The Oval Office at once, cartoonishly getting stuck in the door in their panic to leave.

“And where’s my Diet Coke button!” Donald hollered.

“OK, that’s too far,” the hair said.

“Motherfuckers!” the hat agreed.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

174 Comments

  1. kinnath

    The ascendency of hat and hair.

    A time to rejoice.

    • Sean

      Huzzah!

  2. The Other Kevin

    “The Hat and The Hair 47”

    I like that circumstances finally allowed you to settle on a name. This is a good one.

    • SugarFree

      Yeah, I went back and forth. I have purged the old tags and changed all the post titles in the series.

  3. Tonio

    So perfect. So beautiful.

    • rhywun

      It’s like getting old friends back.

      • The Artist Formerly Known as Lackadaisical

        You have some strange friends.

      • R.J.

        Only the best friends. The very best.

  4. The Gunslinger

    – “The toilet, my lovely gold toilet is gone!”

    Say it ain’t so, Joe!

    • Sean

      Hunter sold it for crack.

      • SugarFree

        Bartered, I imagine.

        “Hey, man,” Hunter said, scratching at a scab on his neck, “How much crack you give me for this gold toilet?”

        Although, the toilet-for-crack economy is very distorted due to fiat crack.

      • PutridMeat

        fiat crack

        Is that what you get from Winston’s Mom? Or at the Duluth rest stop?

      • Sean

        It’s just so on brand for Hunter.

        Perfect.

      • Jarflax

        It’s the crack you find rusting by the side of the road. Pretty though

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Fiat crack describes my car.

  5. Suthenboy

    I thought this was supposed to be fiction.

    • The Other Kevin

      Right? As crazy as it sounds, the Diet Coke button is real.

  6. Tundra

    “After we get rid of all the illegals, Episcopalians are next,” the hat said darkly.

    Vengeful hat is the best hat.

    • Suthenboy

      I cant disagree with the hat on this one.

      • The Artist Formerly Known as Lackadaisical

        Just like free helicopter rides, it ain’t even wrong.

  7. Suthenboy

    Just noticed another description of the Jan6 reichstag fire. I see their borderline personality disorder is showing big time.
    When I saw it on the news as it happened I thought “Oh FFS. What are those idiots doing? That is ridiculous”
    With each retelling it gets worse and worse and now it sounds worse than the Gettysburg campaign. Did the Potomac run red with blood for three days?

    • R.J.

      Yes, it did. And every reporter died at the hands of mutant bear/MAGA soldiers.
      And lucky you! Said reporters are on the air today, reporting their own tragic deaths. They rose from the grave to warn us all.

    • The Other Kevin

      Yesterday someone wrote about the Rotunda being scene of the “worst hand-to-hand combat”. Worse than D-Day I’ll have you know.

      • R.J.

        I bring this up to leftists calling it the worst event since sliced bread:

        https://www.marubeni.com/en/research/potomac/backnumber/43.html

        The day in 1954 when Puerto Rican nationals opened fire on congress. 30 shots fired, multiple injuries. Keep in mind, Carter pardoned these people, who were unrepentant.

      • Suthenboy

        You know, I know and they know that every second of everything that happened there that day is captured on video from multiple angles.
        Machiavellianism indeed.

      • R.J.

        Good Lord. Not the Bee just wrote an article about the two attacks we mentioned. Right after we posted.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      I’m not German or anything, but I’m still waiting of the photographic evidence that anyone crapped on the floor of the Capitol. That’s another lie that keeps getting repeated.

      • Jarflax

        ask and you shall receive

      • Ted S.

        Not Jerrold Nadler?

      • Jarflax

        He asked for proof not an exhaustive list of incidents.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        Well done.

      • bacon-magic

        Truth has been posted by Jarflax. *slow clap

  8. The Late P Brooks

    “I almost feel sorry for him…” the hair said.

    “Oh, fuck off,” the hat replied.

    Bullseye.

    • Suthenboy

      Just now on FOX some reporter said she saw some shame and embarrassment from Joe and Jill in their farewell addresses.
      Uh huh. Now pull the other one.

      • The Artist Formerly Known as Lackadaisical

        Maybe shame and embarrassment for getting caught? Or losing?

  9. The Late P Brooks

    When does Melania’s hat make its entry?

    • The Other Kevin

      Oh wow, you’re right!

    • SugarFree

      I’ve got to keep something in my back pocket for sweeps week.

    • Jarflax

      Lee Van Cleef’s estate took it back.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Heh, yes. I was thinking Eastwood but that works too.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        And it highlights her cheekbones which are the shit, in a good way if I’m not being clear.

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        Clint would be… The Poncho!

      • Gender Traitor

        I nominate Melania and her hat as the new face of The Narrowed Gaze! There must be a photo from Monday that would work!

    • slumbrew

      FLOTUS Hat wouldn’t be caught dead hanging out with these two.

      • rhywun

        No, dahlinks.

    • trshmnstr

      When does Melania’s hat make its entry?

      After it’s done sneaking around the world from Kiev to Caroline. Once it finishes taking Melania for a ride on a slow boat to China.

      • trshmnstr

        Carolina*

    • Grumbletarian

      Every time Melania’s Hat shows up, “Smooth Criminal” had better be preceding the appearance.

      • Grumbletarian

        Alternatively, I will accept the Carmen Sandiego theme.

      • Nephilium
  10. The Late P Brooks

    “And my bathtub, where I soak and think and plan!”

    Are there bubbles?

    • SugarFree

      Of course there are bubbles! Donald isn’t some poor!

    • R.J.

      Yuge bubbles. The best bubbles.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      He makes his own.

    • R C Dean

      I don’t wanna know where those bubbles are coming from . . . .

      • Jarflax

        Only the classiest gas, it’ll be yuuuuge

    • R.J.

      It just took me to the home page where I read all manner of retarded lefty freakouts. Very entertaining.

    • rhywun

      Holy crap.

    • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

      Plow drivers do that in Minnesoda too. Gotta get those overtime hours, bro! regardless of whether there is acvtual snow to plow or not.

      A friend of mine’s theory is that the winter plow drivers are in cahoots with the summer road construction crews.

      Broken window road theory THW

    • Suthenboy

      Why did I have to click through Are you 18+? and then View NSFW Content ?

    • Jarflax

      Plowing salt. It’s perfect busywork, since they are salting as they plow.

    • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

      Sung to the tune of Bob Dylan “Everybody must go home…”

  11. slumbrew

    Should I be concerned about the helicopter circling my house?

    • Not Adahn

      What color is it?

      • Grummun

        Very very very dark navy blue.

      • Ted S.

        RGB or Pantone?

    • slumbrew

      Two of them now.

      Per ADS-B Exchange, news copters, but no idea why.

      • The Other Kevin

        Careful, they tipped off the news when the FBI raided Mar-a-Lago.

      • Suthenboy

        The last time that happened to me it turned out to be one news chopper and one NG on loan to the sheriff….we had a dangerous fugitive hiding in the woods…well, really my back yard.
        Lock your doors, keep you pistol handy.

    • juris imprudent

      Watch for any commies falling out of it?

      • slumbrew

        I’m in a highly pro-commie area, so unlikely.

    • Jarflax

      If this was last week I’d ask where you were on 1/6/21.

    • bacon-magic

      I’ve seen this one on Goodfellas. Flush it all and don’t go home.

      • Sean

        Bacon knows.

  12. Not Adahn

    “You know that sensitivity to smells is really all about distaste for the lower classes?” the hair asked.

    “Fuck off. No, seriously, fuck off. Fuck off and stay fucked off,” the hat said.

    It is a rare day that I side with The Hat. But The Hair can take his psychoanalysis and shove it right up it’s… scalp hole?

    • SugarFree

      It’s a series of cannula through which waste is discreetly expressed.

      • Jarflax

        The waste is orange in hue?

      • SugarFree

        Now you’re getting it.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    What the fuck is with that reddit link? Mature content?

    • rhywun

      “Fuck” is a no-no word.

      • Sensei

        Meanwhile its 50/50 if somebody has what could have been a fatal accident that you will get the same warning.

    • Sensei

      If somebody drops an F bomb in the video while recording they normally do that.

      • R.J.

        I would think that is every video on Reddit.

      • R C Dean

        If you think about it, that’s really immature content.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    Two of them now.

    Per ADS-B Exchange, news copters, but no idea why.

    Check your phone for a shelter-in-place order.

    Or a “Come out wit your hands up” message.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    Splendid. I guess I’m going to have to go to Walmart and spend 30 bucks for ink so I can print a label to send a defective $25 item back to Amazon for replacement. I have never done an exchange before. Hopefully it’s not too onerous.

    • rhywun

      Nah, they should send you a box to return it. That’s how it’s worked for me.

    • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

      Usually it goes back in the container that it came in, and you drop it off at Staples.

  16. Spudalicious

    Glorious. The boys are back in town.

    • rhywun

      Yeah, I was getting worried for them being lost in the Florida wilderness.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    As I have mentioned previously, I print so infrequently the ink dries up in the cartridges without ever hitting paper. My cost per page is ridiculous.

    • Nephilium

      That’s the reason to go with a laser printer.

      • rhywun

        I have one and was wondering. Sweet!

      • Not Adahn

        Plus you can entertain your cat with it.

    • The Artist Formerly Known as Lackadaisical

      It may be time to outsource your printing needs.

    • slumbrew

      I was just reading Wirecutter yesterday re: multifunction printers:

      “If you print 100-500 pages a month, an inkjet printer is perfect for you. If you print more or less than that, a laser printer might be better.”

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      We got an Epson with refillable ink. It’s been a huge improvement. Each of the colors is filled separately so none of that BS of replacing the whole color cartridge just because a single color ran out.

    • J. Frank Parnell

      I currently need to print a page in black & white, but my printer won’t let me because there’s no yellow ink.

      • SugarFree

        Yellow ink is to invisibly print tracking information about the printer for law enforcement purposes on each page.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Nah, they should send you a box to return it. That’s how it’s worked for me.

    The instructions were to print the label they emailed me and drop it off at UPS. I’ll just stick it back in the box it came in.

    • rhywun

      Hm… *smacks head to remove cobwebs*

      Maybe they didn’t send me a box but a label instead? IIRC I took that plus the item to UPS and they put it in box and mailed it.

      I just don’t remember having to print a label – that would suck because most of the years of my life I did not have a printer.

      • Nephilium

        When I’m doing an Amazon return, I chose the drop off option, and go to the local Kohl’s. It’s the only reason I’ve been in Kohl’s for probably 10+ years.

    • Sean

      I thought there was an option for a QR code to your phone in lieu of printing anything. Drop at Kohls or Staples?

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        This. Fuck UPS.

      • R C Dean

        Or at Whole Foods.

  19. Sensei

    WP: – Trump ended the EV mandate. Here’s what it means for the auto industry.

    But during the wonderful Biden years MSM assured me that there was no EV mandate.

    • rhywun

      Four years to catch up on lost profits until the next Dem orders another mandate?

  20. kinnath

    Facebook just served me up a video of a guy in Louisiana operating an airboat across a snow-covered patch of land.

    So, FB isn’t totally without merit.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I would worry if that were to not happen.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    Saw a couple of headlines about how Trump pardoned that guy who invented internet drug dealing.

    • Not Adahn

      Trump used him to hire the “hitman” that faked the assassination attempt.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Funny cause I would suspect that TikTok, FB, Instagram, et al all are operating as an open black market in some shape or fashion.

      • bacon-magic

        How dare you! *leaves FB raffle groups

  22. Creosote Achilles

    Man. I’ve missed these.

    • Ted S.

      You didn’t enjoy “Joemala”?

      • Not Adahn

        They just weren’t the same since The Interns got put on a bus.

    • slumbrew

      Hey stranger!

  23. The Late P Brooks

    But during the wonderful Biden years MSM assured me that there was no EV mandate.

    Of course you’ll be able to buy an internal combustion vehicle, if you can find/afford one.

    • Jarflax

      They’re next to the real light bulbs and toilets that actually work.

      • ZWAK, doktor of BRAIN SCIENCE!

        Whoa, where do you think you are, Italy?

  24. The Late P Brooks

    When I’m doing an Amazon return, I chose the drop off option, and go to the local Kohl’s. It’s the only reason I’ve been in Kohl’s for probably 10+ years.

    How does that work (not that there’s a Kohls here)? I’m assuming you don’t just dump it on the counter and wave goodbye. I had to log into my account and go through some rigamarole to specify the item and reason for returning it.

    I assume the label I will be printing has more than an address encoded into it.

    • UnCivilServant

      In a participating return point, there’s a counter you bring your product to. You also bring either a printout of the return QR code, or pull it up on your phone. The staff mbmer behind the counter scans the QR code, scans a barcode label they slap on the return product, and takes the product from you. The computer tells Amazon you’ve dropped it off, and the returns get palletized and shipped off.

  25. The Late P Brooks

    I thought there was an option for a QR code to your phone in lieu of printing anything.

    Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up, Buck Rogers.

    • Ownbestenemy

      The joys of a litigious society?

    • Sensei

      I read that when it came out. It really depends on the drug.

      For example the OTC nasal steroids have a legitimate very short shelf life. Much shorter than a producer would want if for increased purchases. It probably costs them more to make sure they get them out and shipped and on the shelf in the short time they are good.

      And there are rare cases where they can actually be harmful.

      https://www.uspharmacist.com/article/fanconi-syndrome#:~:text=Tetracycline%20metabolites%20can%20cause%20renal,take%20up%20to%20a%20year.

    • The Other Kevin

      Our previous doctor was an old-timer, and he told us not to throw out leftover meds, they can almost all be used after the expiration date. So he was right.

      Keeping extra meds around has come in handy many times. A few weeks ago I got a stomach bug and we had some anti-nausea meds that worked wonders.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    Circling back to this morning’s discussion, my phone has no internet access, because I declined to accept Samsung’s terms and conditions for their internet service.

    No QR codes or web surfing for me. I endeavor to persevere.

      • Jarflax

        The bullet had gone through his upper thigh and exited at his inner leg, causing an alarming arterial bleed that officers were able to stupor with a tourniquet.

        Thank God they were able to stupor the bleeding, and that the heroic officer was not injured. What are the odds this poor guy would have been criminally charged if she’d shot herself instead of him?

    • Tundra

      Why in the name of all that’s holy can’t they just leave the fucking guns alone? It was a traffic stop and the guy was perfectly cool.

      Dumb twat.

      • Sensei

        That was, surprisingly, that particular jurisdictions policy. If there is no threat don’t touch.

        It was in the articles when it first happened.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        Probably 15 years ago, a buddy was pulled over for speeding. The female officer tried to argue his CHP was only valid in the city of issuance and not the state of VA. A supervisor came out, confirmed it was valid, and let him go.

        Before releasing him, she took each round out of the magazine and dropped them on the side of the interstate. Still don’t know why. Either spite or consumed by fear.

    • Ownbestenemy

      The initiative is meant to reduce crime while fostering relationships between law enforcement and the public

      Doesn’t say fostering good relationships, so….mission accomplished?

  27. LCDR_Fish

    Scrolling twitter…a foot of snow in southern Louisiana is nuts….Also impressed DeSantis had the ploughs prepped and running early too – since it looks like the entire Gulf Coast is breaking records right now. Guessing some out-of-state contractors…but who knows.

    • Wood Chipped Wednesday

      Destantis did better than central KY when it came to being prepared

      • Jarflax

        I lived in Lexington for most of a decade. Chicago’s cemetery voters would do a better job than central KY at clearing snow, at least they wouldn’t dump 2 inch deep piles of salt on otherwise clear roads or plow up the blacktop

      • SugarFree

        The publics schools were out all last week because the city didn’t even attempt to plow or salt.

      • Jarflax

        When I was there (92-00) they only kept enough salt on hand for one treatment, which they invariably wasted pretreating for a storm that didn’t happen in December, then threw up their hands when the one actual snow would hit.

      • Nephilium

        Locally, one of the suburbs ran low on salt (an order they had placed took longer than they expected to be delivered), and issued a statement about what areas would and would not be salted.

      • SugarFree

        It hasn’t changed a bit, Jar.

  28. The Late P Brooks

    Doesn’t say fostering good relationships, so….mission accomplished?

    Fostering, festering, whatever.

  29. bacon-magic

    *Gives SugarFree the ELON SALUTE™

  30. The Late P Brooks

    Be vewwy vewwy quiet- we’we hunting witches

    Senators received an affidavit Tuesday from the former sister-in-law of defense secretary nominee Pete Hegseth in which she says his behavior caused his second wife to fear for her safety. The receipt of the affidavit comes after Senate Armed Services Committee staffers were in contact with Hegseth’s former sister-in-law for several days.

    The former sister-in-law, Danielle Hegseth, submitted the affidavit in response to a Jan. 18 letter from Sen. Jack Reed, D-R.I., seeking “a statement attesting to your personal knowledge about Mr. Hegseth’s fitness to occupy this important position.”

    Reed, the ranking Democrat on the Senate Armed Services Committee, asked Danielle Hegseth to detail what she knew of “instances of abuse, or threats of abuse, perpetrated against any other person” and “mistreatment of a spouse, former spouse, or other members of his family,” among other requests.

    Sister in law has the same last name? Are they cousins?

    I can’t help thinking there are some people who are desperate to keep him out of that job. It makes me wonder why.

    • Ted S.

      Brother’s ex-wife; didn’t change her name after the divorce?

    • The Other Kevin

      It’s a good thing they delayed the vote, what with the last-minute shocking revelations that keep coming up.

      • Jarflax

        Hey it takes time to coach a witness random liar

      • Not Adahn

        That tactic worked for Kavanaugh!

  31. The Late P Brooks

    Destantis did better than central KY when it came to being prepared

    When I was a kid, my dad got transferred from Schenectady, New York to Owensboro, Kentucky (General Electric). We all thought it was hilarious when the entire city freaked out over an inch or two of snow.

    • kinnath

      I had just moved to Phoenix in 1985. They had the first measurable snowfall at the airport in 40 years. People were wearing tee shirts that said “I survive the blizzard of 85”.

      I think they were worn mostly by snowbirds being ironic.

  32. The Late P Brooks

    Brother’s ex-wife; didn’t change her name after the divorce?

    Ah. I read it as “ex-wife’s sister”.

  33. slumbrew

    Fuck off, AARP – stop sending me membership cards.

    I’m not that old!

    • Sean

      Yes you are.

    • Nephilium

      Been getting them mailed to me for over 30 years…

  34. Mojeaux

    Cuntey Aunts came over to see Mom, brought by another church member. I did not see them or talk to them. Mom said nothing untoward happened. No beration, no admonitions, no pleas to come home.

  35. The Late P Brooks

    Danielle Hegseth says in the affidavit, a redacted copy of which has been reviewed by NBC News, “I have chosen to come forward publicly, at significant personal sacrifice, because I am deeply concerned by what Hegseth’s confirmation would mean for our military and our country.”

    She adds that part of her reason for coming forward is “because I have been assured that making this public statement will ensure that certain Senators who are still on the fence will vote against Hegseth’s confirmation. But for that assurance I would not subject myself or others referred to in this statement to the public scrutiny this statement is likely to cause.”

    Sounds like quite a piece of work.

  36. The Late P Brooks

    Cuntey Aunts came over to see Mom, brought by another church member.

    Did they bring cookies?

    • Mojeaux

      I would never trust any cookies they bring to my house.