Swiss is sort of in recovery from a 4-5 day illness – so no Monday Afternoon Links. Read this instead. Or not.
Prathiba very carefully slipped into Glib HQ’s Conference Room One.
Mexican Sharpshooter made quick eye contact with him, but almost immediately flicked his gaze back to…
STEVE SMITH, PROMINENT FOREST LAWYER. “BROWN MAN, WHY BRING PEW PEW PEW? STEVE SMITH NO TAKE TINY DOG! HIM HERE FOR MEETING, CHEESE PERSON CALL!”. Mex gave a slight smile as his finger slid closer to the selector lever.
Prathiba silently cursed and slid a set of pages over to the last person at the table.
“Mr. Playa, here is the dossier.” “Thank you, Prathiba” replied Playa Manhattan, who then eagerly dove into the material.
The speaker phone on the table sounded a chime, and Swiss Servator addressed the room.
“Thank you all for coming. As you will soon understand, this something that SwissCorps International cannot handle…directly. However, Glibertarians.com can do so.”
Playa barely glanced up from the materials he was poring over.
“By now, you have all heard of how DOGE has…disrupted certain USG expenditures and various cash flows. Particularly those of USAID and SecState. Almost every corrupt expenditure of those two offices have been either exposed, ended or clawed back. But there is one that fell into a gray area – and this where you come in STEVE.”
“STEVE SMITH HALP!”
“Yes, STEVE. A certain $50 million grant went to a rather shady group, the Cascadia Environmental Justice Front. Straight up commies, that I would gladly have watched pitched from helicopters. But they vanished…and I mean vanished real good. STEVE, you wouldn’t have had anything to do with that, would you?”
“LET STEVE SMITH THINK. … MAYBE. HIM GET APPOINTMENT WITH HIPPIES – WANT PROMINENT FOREST LAWYER HELP THEMS COMMUNE PROJECT. STEVE SMITH HAVE MEETING. BY HAVE MEETING, MEAN RAPE.”
“Okay, that explains why they never followed up, nor spent this money. It remains in the Bank of Portlandia, for now. We can’t count on it remaining, so we are going to have Playa Manhattan…”
Playa looked up with a grin, “Set up withdrawal instructions, but in cash, so as to make this impossible to track, once it gets disbursed. Of course, the withdrawal will be by the attorney, STEVE SMITH, ESQ.” Playa’s grin got very large indeed.
“STEVE SMITH HALP!”
“We move tomorrow morning, time is of the essence, Gentlemen.”
********************************************************************************************
“Mother of God, this town smells” Mexican Sharpshooter thought, as he settled in on the rooftop across from the bank. “Cover that ‘squatches route, Mex. You know how unpredictable he is,” were his last instructions. Mex uncapped his optics and waited. An alley over saw a bum urinate on a shopping cart and then challenge it to a fight.
********************************************************************************************
“HI BANK HOOMANS! STEVE SMITH READY FOR MUNIEZ.” Being Portland, nobody batted an eye at a huge Squatch in a suit asking for money. Also being Portland, the place was staffed by the daffy, ill-suited for business, and stoned. The transaction was maddeningly slow.
“STEVE SMITH WANT MUNIEZ, NOW! GRAH!”
The frustrated Rapesquatch reacted in the only way he knew… By reacted, mean rape.
********************************************************************************************
The blare of alarms said only one thing to Mexican Sharpshooter – “Ah, things have gone exactly as I have expected.” He looked through his optic as STEVE SMITH burst out the front door of the bank, a duffle bag of cash on each shoulder. STEVE hooted and ran toward the woods.
“Damnitall, STEVE, you left the bags open!” Mex thought, wearily.
Again, being Portland, two things happened. First, barely anyone reacted to the sight of a squatch in a suit, with duffle bags of cash, running down the street. Second, every bum, rummy, soak, tweaker, meth-head and barista in the area materialized and began grabbing every bill that flew out of the speeding squatch’s bags.
*********************************************************************************
Mexican Sharpshooter barely blinked. He capped his optics, unloaded and safed his rifle, cased it and made his way to anywhere but in Portland. He took his time, for he knew a police response would be 2+ hours, or nonexistent. “STEVE, you had one job!” he thought to himself.
*********************************************************************************
STEVE SMITH got back to his cave, hooted in triumph and then looked at the now empty duffle bags. “WHERE MUNIEZ?” STEVE noticed a single bill caught on a strap. He plucked it out, popped it in his mouth and began chewing.
~fin~
What did I just read? And glad you are feeling better.
I’m just wondering if I’m the only one who kept thinking…
“I’m betting the boss told you to rape me when we’re finished.”
“NO — STEVE SMITH RAPE BUS DRIVER.”
“Bus driver? What… AAAAAAH!!” (bus crashes through wall and up the butt of STEVE’s associate…..)
Feel better, Swiss! We hope to get back to annoying you with our cheese.
“I SAID ‘butt rape’ not ‘bus rape’!!!”
“…the bus DID go up his butt, Sir…”
*scowls* “Get outta my office!”
“What this town needs is an enema.”
*toots horn*
So I had a rather important philosophical conversation with a buddy of mine at the pub over the weekend, the gist of which boiled down to:
If you get a handjob from a deaf chick, does it count as oral?
I’m still not convinced, but I’m sure there will be signs.
Something, something “deep-handing you”…
You need to stay away from my husband because he’s picking up your bad punning habits.
Shit. Too late.
Spit take?
No, only if it is from a mute chick.
Or dude, I don’t judge.
On the plus side, if you’re reciprocating and having to spell out “Oh God I’m….” she’ll be quite appreciative, I expect.
Does the deaf gal have a different stroke? Not seein’ how that changes anything.
(If she available? $20? Same as downtown? (Note: I did get a hand job or two at Korean ‘massage parlors.’ I never got my money’s worth. So awkward, but I wasn’t gonna say no. (It was 30,000 won, legit, about $20. Same same, eh?
Sign language joke…
Important distinction — if she’s a four-stroker than you don’t really have to do anything, but if she’s the two-stroke type then you’ll want to use a little oil in the process.
This is especially pertinent if you’re motorboating her.
All I know is this has turned into a big mess and my lawn is still uncut.
I’m still not convinced, but I’m sure there will be signs.
Blocking out the scenery?
Moving to pole position.
Breakin’ my mind
My experience with AI imagery has been both good and frightening. I had an idea for a t-shirt design, and I had Grok come up with some “concept art” which was helpful. But today I noticed on FB chat you can change the background theme of your chat using AI. I tried a few times and the results were scary.
Who or what is Prathiba?
Swissy’s secretary
Swiss’s assistant in these tales from what I can tell based on Main Page, Search and then parsing the results. Name pops in for these little Staff sessions with Swiss Corps International Industries.
Thanks.
Interesting, but not surprising that many people’s public cat videos are limited to friends and family despite being “public”.
YouTube by the numbers: uncovering YouTube’s ghost town of billions of unwatched, ignored videos
Speaking of Cascadia, looks like my son-in-law is on the way back to Bremerton after 6 weeks of training (or bombing the cartels in Mexico, if you believe ZeroHedge). I’m happy for my kid of course, but also happy because we’re one step closer to her coming home for the summer.
I gave up watching Portlandia because it was just a little too on the nose and no longer funny.
This is a good effort, but many details fall flat on its face.
You cannot parody Portland, it has reached 9001 Poe’s Law power
Look – I literally had the flu, and while runnin’ a fever in the 101 range, I had a weird dream about Playa, Mex and STEVE SMITH pulling off a bank job.
I have never seen “Portlandia”, nor was I trying to imitate this show I have never seen. Sorry you didn’t care for the piece.
The early seasons of Portlandia were great. It was hard to keep the joke going because as Gustave stated the series came dangerously close to being both a documentary and a farce.
I have a sister that’s been in Portland for over 30 years. I told her Portlandia was a documentary. She tried to make a feeble protest, and finally said “well, not all of Portland”.
I was there two years ago and the above description is spot on.
HI STEVE SMITH!
I need to pick the brain of a prominent forest lawyer. Is it proper etiquette to request that the wimminz help celebrate Presidents Day by dressing up as Monica Lewinsky? Or is that a violation of protocol?
Let us know how that goes.
every bum, rummy, soak, tweaker, meth-head and barista in the area materialized and began grabbing every bill that flew out of the speeding squatch’s bags.
and put it to productive use, unlike hippie advocacy pukes.
Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets.
Straight up commies, that I would gladly have watched pitched from helicopters.
[sheds a single manly tear]
A couple of my pilot friends are discussing the Delta accident. Some reports are the aircraft experienced a 60 knot crosswind at landing. The max demonstrated crosswind is 35 knots. Oops.
Now we know what happens when you have to “crab” more than 90 degrees!
(Even normal crabbing looks insane.)
I could see it. It was windy AF in southern Ontario today. I saw a tractor trailer (probably empty) blown off the road.
Speaking of hippie pukes
Elon Musk’s antics have gotten so out of control that even his flunkies at Tesla are starting to get worried.
According to new reporting from The Washington Post, there’s growing sentiment among employees that Musk — already involved in multiple enterprises before his foray into politics — has become “disengaged” from the automaker as he serves as President Donald Trump’s right-hand man, leading the so-called Department of Government Efficiency.
The employees range from rank and file to senior managers. At a recent staff meeting, some of these managers expressed that the company would be better off if Musk resigned, per WaPo.
“He seems to have ghosted his own company,” Nell Minow, vice chair of ValueEdge Advisors, and who donated the majority of her Tesla stock last year, told the newspaper. “He has inflicted a massive amount of damage on the perception of that company.”
What’s more, many employees fear that Musk may be permanently damaging Tesla’s reputation by his association with Trump — and of course, his personal conduct, like performing Nazi salutes.
Everything is politics. If you’re not in the hive you’re an enemy of the people.
What? Mr RTO isn’t at the office/factory 40+ hours a week? Where’s my shocked face at?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess you don’t want to return to the office?
Unnamed CA tech people are unhappy with Musk. No way…
…and I’m out.
OFFS.
Yes he is a Nazi hurr durr
Wasn’t that the youthful George Soros?
A. The Nazi salute canard is a giveaway.
B. Tesla made its bones with tax subsidies. I was wondering how Musk was going to handle that. With the death of the green new scam I suppose he is going to write Tesla off. I wonder how the left will spin that.
I wonder how the left will spin that.
They’re going to be too busy replacing their Teslas with highspeedrailways to write any articles.
They are like iPhones. They basically just work compared to other EVs.
Poor saps in CA are pretty much going to buy them regardless. They will complain the whole time, however.
Some mixture of useless performative bullshit like Sheryl Crow and buying cheap Chinese knockoffs.
Oooh, oooh! Can we start calling them the so-called FBI or the so-called CIA or the so-called DOJ?
“According to new reporting from The Washington Post, there’s growing sentiment…..”
Lmao
https://apnews.com/article/doge-faa-air-traffic-firings-safety-67981aec33b6ee72cbad8dcee31f3437
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Trump administration has begun firing several hundred Federal Aviation Administration employees, upending staff on a busy air travel weekend and just weeks after a January fatal mid-air collision at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport.
Probationary workers were targeted in late night emails Friday notifying them they had been fired, David Spero, president of the Professional Aviation Safety Specialists union, said in a statement.
The impacted workers include personnel hired for FAA radar, landing and navigational aid maintenance, one air traffic controller told the Associated Press. The air traffic controller was not authorized to talk to the media and spoke on condition of anonymity.
“targeted”
Yeah, the probationary status employees are the low-hanging fruit, the group that it’s easiest and cleanest to layoff outright. And, IIRC, FAA has been documented doing some insane, woke hiring of ppl with questionable qualifications.
Where is OBE to fill us in? I know he was worried that these cuts might affect his workforce.
You* want drastic cuts to the federal bureaucracy? This is what drastic cuts look like.
You want painstaking case-by-case review guaranteed to end in failure? Well, you should have asked for that.
*Ed. Note: the “you” here is generic, and not directed at anyone in particular.
Automotive sales have been particularly bad in Europe, Wired notes, with a 13 percent drop in the European Union. But nowhere are the numbers more damning than in Norway, a country where 88.9 percent of all new cars sold are electric vehicles. Strikingly, Tesla sales fell in the Nordic country by 37.9 percent in 2024.
Didn’t the unions refuse to unload Teslas being shipped in? That might be relevant.
That is a lot of Congolese and Uyghur slave labor to burn through. Well done, Norway!
Norway has a ton of subsidized charging and makes owning ICE vehicles crazy expensive. I think it also subsidizes the EVs.
For a daily driver you are basically forced into an EV.
I guess it helps to get rich off the oil you live next to.
With Norway’s climate, you probably get 20 miles on a full charge in the winter, which is roughly eight months long.
Well, 20 miles a trip might be all they can afjord.
just weeks after a January fatal mid-air collision at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport.
They didn’t prevent it, but we need them now more than ever.
A senior cleric appointed by Iran’s Supreme Leader suggested in a sermon on Friday that US president Donald Trump was the one-eyed Islamic equivalent of the Antichrist prophesied to menace humanity around judgment day.
Amazing that he was able to stop assfucking his child bride long enough to deliver this eminently valuable opinion. I can go back to not giving a shit what Iranian clerics think about anything, yeah?
Also, awesome eschatology ya got there, “…around judement day…”, ya know, maybe before, maybe after, he’s a busy antichrist…antihommad?
JN
Is that better or worse than Nazi? It’s hard to keep up.
This weekend and today were kind of slow news days, which is fine with me. My head is spinning with all the stuff happening.
Finally got to finish The Rapescapades of STEVE SMITH.
Wonderful.
“An alley over saw a bum urinate on a shopping cart and then challenge it to a fight.” I recognize most of the characters in this story, but which one of you guys is this supposed to be?
I know ‘that guy’. You know, the one that has been in 50 car wrecks but none of them were his fault. It’s true. You can look at the accident reports. He was not to blame for any of them. Funny thing is I have been driving for twice as many years and have had….zero accidents. That was my fault.
I know DEI has nothing to do with it but all of a sudden we are having plane crashes once per week and astronauts are stranded in space. You can look at all of the screwups and every one of them have special circumstances that made them nobody’s fault. Seems odd.
Across the board what are auto recalls like? Medical mistakes? Court’s respect for rule of law? Construction failures?
I dont know…just askin’.
For some reason lately I can see new comments on the dashboard but my reloaded pages dont show them. Huh.
Proof
Over the weekend, Trump pushed back on efforts to block the administration’s efforts to overhaul government spending in a post on social media. “He who saves his Country does not violate any Law,” the president wrote.
The sentiment mimics a quote often attributed to Napoleon Bonaparte. In the 1970 film Waterloo, Napoleon states, he did not “usurp the crown” but “found it in the gutter” and “picked it up with my sword.” The quote continues, “and it was the people . . . who put it on my head. He who saves a nation violates no law.”
Not only does this proves Trump has set himself up as absolute ruler. it makes him a plagiarist.
The images are real but the tits are AI generated!
https://archive.is/NdfxW
Mammary Monday.
This was not a fever dream.
That line was pure gold. Well done.