FORT MEADE – The National Security Agency has recently launched an online dating service. The initiative came as a result of pressure from the Department of Government Efficiency which requires that federal agencies be self-funding to the greatest extent possible. “We’re excited by this new opportunity to both showcase our technical prowess as well as gain insights into threats to the homeland”, said NSA Deputy Director Joanna Gambolputty. “It makes a lot of sense when you think about it since we already have everyone’s contact info, address, online activity, etc.”, she explained. “We’re the only part of the government that listens!”
When asked for comment, DOGE head Elon Musk said that the initiative was long overdue. “We have so much incredible technology that is not being properly leveraged. There’s no reason why shouldn’t be able to buy an NSA premium adult friend finder package to find another woman to bear my offspring”, said the tech titan. “Furthermore, having a live feed displayed on the big screens in my underwater volcano lair will provide much needed entertainment and useful work for my army of desk jockey minions. Whichever one of them finds a suitable mate for me gets an extra vacation day and a 6-month immunity period from being fired. High productivity is just a matter of creating the right incentives, after all.”
Elsewhere, other groups have protested the move, including Citizens Against Government Efficiency (CAGE). The movement is based on an unusual alliance of hardcore libertarians and career bureaucrats. “Why would I or any other libertarian want the government to be more efficient? Efficient government is efficient tyranny”, said Haywood Jablome, president of the Alternative Reformed Libertarian Party. Jablome’s counterpart, Joshua Niedermeyer, is a former regional manager for the IRS. Niedermeyer added that “like so many others, I became a government employee for the job security, slow pace of work, obscene pay and benefits, and most importantly, a near total lack of accountability. All that is threatened by Musk’s so-called efficiency experts. Well I say there are things people don’t want the government to do efficiently. Important things!” This remark caused the mixed audience of libertarians and bureaucrats to cheer in agreement.
Many foreign governments have expressed interest in the dating service, particularly those with dangerously low fertility rates. “Arranged marriages are an old-fashioned solution that simply won’t work in much of the world”, explained Professor Sushi Nintendo of the Japanese Population Bureau. “Japan has always been at the forefront of solutions that combine both high technology and smothering conformism. Once all fertile citizens are registered with this service, mandatory dating can begin. As a bonus, this service will hopefully stifle nuisances such as anime hentai porn, soap lands, brothels, and weeaboo sex tourists.”
“Mandatory dating”
A fate worse than death.
First.
*Pelvic thrusts in all directions
Pelvic thrusts are only permitted in pre-screened NSA-approved locations.
Please take a ticket to claim your government provided vaginal semen receptacle recipient.
*pelvic thrusts back in Firstese*
I read that as ‘Mandatory ‘Bating’.
*cleans glasses*
GO AWAY!
‘MANDATORY BATIN”!
Only for 18-22 year olds. One year of service in the SnuSnu Corps.
Joanna Gambolputty makes a welcome appearance.
Mood music.
“We’re the only part of the government that listens!”
*chef’s kiss*
Ya that was clever
lol I was almost expecting an appearance from Jorj X. McKie.
Service = sexyzenship. Are you doing your part?
Well, this article popped up. Identifies as black and injects melatonin, has gigantic fake T-size boobies. Completely destroyed herself.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-14510663/White-glamour-model-Martina-Big-36-identifies-black-having-tanning-injections-announces-plan-Africa.html
I had no idea T was a cup size.
Must be an EU metric thing.
“We have received invitations from fans in many African countries…”
Ya dont say?
I like the “related” link to another nutjob, black guy who thinks he is a white woman.
Whee!
What’s whacky is there are a lot of people who think one of those is real and that the other is ridiculous nonsense. Race is far more of a social construct than gender, but watch a leftist try to explain why you can identify as one thing and not the other and see their heads explode.
Then there’s probably some percentage of progs greater than zero who would be fine with it because it’s a black identifying as white.
It’s all “oppression” calculus – the ones with the highest scores “win”.
I’ve thought of (semi) fictional stories about my ‘passing’ as ‘normal.’
Glad I brought all my med pics and docs to Voca Rehab. She was legit impressed. I gotta go outta my way to ‘show’ people I’m actually disabled. Like, kinda seriously, as we all know.
A line comes to mind about being a black kid in ’50s Chattanooga ‘passing.’ (From Briscoe Law & Order, actually.) Wouldn’t dream of how hard that must’ve been, to get the perks but have to hide it from your peers and community. Wouldn’t give it up, but it can burn. (The repetition, especially.)
Not the least bit mentally ill. 🙄
“Professor Sushi Nintendo”
aLOL!
Well-played. Adding the Libertarian shade certainly plays the audience. (Semi-ironically? Let those not in The Know figure it out. Meta. (Sell!))
The low-fertility jab, as well. Brevity.
Blue needs to CAGE the Elephant in the room, and there ain’t no rest for the wicked, cuz Rachel Maddow’s got bills to pay.
Her opening monologue was about 100+ demonstrations against word of the USPS being privatized or scaled back. Twenty PIPs showing the totally serious and important gatherings. One was a dude outside a gas station with a sign. (‘Oooh! New camera angle! Now there’s four! PROGRESS!’)
It’s fun to watch their death throes. ‘Elections have consequences. You lost. Get over it.’ <– I've had fun repeating that to folk.
Blue can't hold back, though you know they wish they could. (If they didn't have the princiPAL problem.) There ain't no rest for the eternally invested, until they burn down the Party for good.
(They weren't my bag, though adjacent back in the day. Quite a cleverly written OG song, though I hadn't payed full attention. 'Tis catchy. Good on 'em.)
On that note, that song comes up regularly on my Indy 103.3. “Classic Rock” is now songs from the 90s and 2000s. Most of what they play, I approve of. Some, incredibly so.
The oldest would be Animal Ant Farm’s damn fucking good cover of Smooth Criminal. If that counts, which it does. So there. (Nevermind for sure, but some mid-late 80s Metallica or similar.)
Alien ant farm, also a great short scifi story
It’s odd to be talking about good consequences to a Republican winning an election. Usually the ones who actually accomplish something are Dems, and if we get anything from the R’s it’s to get fucked more.
Apparently there are those that believe “The Law of Unintended Consequences” has been repealed when it comes to tariffs. I watched a few minutes of the cabinet meeting at noon.
Word. a) Trump’s a 90s Democrat. A progressively liberal one, at that. Overton, she rang. b) Biggest accomplishment has been *dismantling* executive authority. Natch, takes energy to make the gears turn, but that’s the core initiative. (I’m ignoring Greenland, Panama bluster, and eyes on Ukraine.)
It dismantles Blue brains when probed. (ConstitionAnally.) ‘How can such a Diktator be when they’re focused on … reducing spending, waste and overreach? … ‘ (*insert Scanners gif*)
Also of note: Men’s Warehouse just had a legitimately funny, clever ad. I noticed another from some bank (?) where the dude had to time travel back. A knight with a drill as a lance was involved.
Not just People, but people with money, dare be funny again? So many erections, I cannot get. Four hours is plenty, and it’s already (almost) too yuuuge.
Just now: Old Spice, of all people. Featuring black folk on treadmills!
Two solid joke-lines. I imagine these were greenlit somewhere ’round early November.
I’ve been trying to find the original Round Stick formula of Old Spice (Fresh, not Classic – Classic is disgusting) – the one sold in the off-white tube, not the vastly inferior wide-stick sold in red.
I haven’t seen it in 20 years or so which probably means it doesn’t exist anymore.
My step-dad has a blodclot in his leg. $949 list price for his meds. His insurance pays for $900 of that. At 72, he aint no spring chicken any more.
I somehow inherited a genetic condition where I need to lower my blood clotting effect (Factor 5 Leden) (fucking Dutch genetics). My meds (rat poison) are $10 per 90 days.
Hard to make sense of it.
“Deep vein thrombosis”? Half a dozen of the drugs I’m on claim that as a “side effect”.
Whee!
Yeah, I’m on warfarin too, thanks to being diagnosed with Afib last August during my most recent hospital stay. They want my INR above 2.0 but my body isn’t cooperating.
I have a bottle of 21 pills I’m saving for a rainy day that retails for around $10,000 – no shit. I have gone through a bunch of them over the last year.
I haven’t paid a dime out of pocket for this. I have lengthy conversations with the specialty pharmacy that details the various programs which cover it.
That’s some Walter White level drugs
(fucking Dutch genetics).
Just accept the facts. Otherwise you’ll spend your life tilting at windmills
<a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2025/03/trump-administration-accidentally-texted-me-its-war-plans/682151/"<A pretty damning story from The Atlantic. It’s a real bad look, a real big fuck-up. Hugely so.
I guess the saving grace is that they were plotting against some backwards goat fuckers in the Middle East and not a peer level threat. The Atlantic could be exaggerating the sensitive nature of any operational details that may have been revealed. It’s hard to say because they rightfully didn’t print those messages.
It’s amateur hour and MUH CLASSIFIED MATERIALS will be the story. And it’s not wrong. It wouldn’t surprise me if this was common from our Top Men and they just haven’t been especially special enough to have included a journalist in the group chat.
Everyone is talking about this but …. I just can’t seem to care.
Similar. I’m more disappointed that we are having a talk about bombing the Houthis again..
My thoughts as well
The left is having a field day over it. I have no idea what to make of it through the fog of MSM orgasms.
I read that as field of orgasms,
I kinda like it
Sounds like something out of one of the older, funnier, Woody Allen movies.
Or Brochettas dreams
I’m pissed off for the same reason as Hillary Clinton’s private server. It’s sloppy, potentially dangerous, and should be punished. It won’t be and Team Red will find a reason to excuse or ignore it. Rules for thee but not for me.
You really believe that “happened”?
Come over here and check out this bridge I have for sale.
Calculated leak: Bring in someone by “accident” that they know will leak something they want out there for whatever reason. Definitely a possibility, all the political world’s a stage and it always has been.
I also lean towards calculated leak. Too egregious a fuckup to be accidental.
For those Glibs who care about the NCAA tournament, ESPN has done a “Sweet Sixteen” contest, since your bracket (like mine) looked like a dumpster fire.
Enter if you’d like — or don’t — I’m not your supervisor.
https://fantasy.espn.com/tc/sharer?challengeId=259&from=espn&context=GROUP_INVITE&edition=espn-en&groupId=bd248e88-73cc-4a77-924f-fbfb7c01c9ba&joinKey=8ba9f5d5-891b-364d-8853-12bbba790dbf
Password: Glibertarians
Morning, all you nutjobs.
🤪☕️☀️
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEKbFMvkLIc
🎶🎶
Who are you calling a nutjob?
☝️
You claiming it is morning? And I’m the nutjob.
I think you meant, “good evening”, “こんばんは” or even “좋은 저녁이에요”.
Good morning, fellow nutjob!
https://abc7ny.com/post/nj-brothers-killed-I-95-port-richmond-philadelphia/16076098/
Sad.
Seatbelts save lives. Wear yours.
https://www.kcrg.com/2025/03/24/emotional-support-skunk-meet-mr-sushi/
No.
Wouldn’t an emotional support skunk be right up Stinky Wizzleteats’ alley?
If an animal has a nice pelt and can be made sociable, I have no problem with it being brought to senior centers for petting.
There’s a glam rocker joke to be made here.
The glam rockers are already living at the senior centers.
suh’ fam
whats goody
TALL LANDFILL CANS!
/or cans of methane
Wouldn’t dumpster diving be classier than a landfill search?
Good morning, homey, Ted’S., Sean, and Stinky, and good evening, Your Holiness!
Morning. How goes?
Well, thanks! My boss will be back in the office, though, so I might have to get more done on the Board meeting minutes. 😒 How are you?
😥 I just spilled my breakfast.
Oh no! Can you salvage it? 😧
Some. I lost all the grapes though.
😞
The grapes incurred your wrath?
Mornin’. Play Date w nephews later today. Youngest has taken to me and it’s enormously rewarding.
Lil goblin is gonna overcome some maiden one day w those eyes. Damn.
We ish-tied for toilet training tenacity, each w 4+ yrs bucking the commode. Whereas Dad Depends on the loose version of Shit -en scene to capture his outflow.
I’m convinced he doesn’t see a gastro -whatev cuz he thinks up- your- butt stuff will get hinky.
Dusty Bottoms, Ru Paul finalist and high school friend, thinks Dad’s descriptions of male athletes is … Exceptionally flamboyant. Can’t steer the queer past .. rural Virginia, seems.
Morning All of You Earlybirds!
Just getting ready to pour the first cuppa. Another nice day on deck
It’s a day to celebrate, #51 since the knot was tied.
Congratulations.
Congratulations good sir! And to the missus as well!
Happy anniversary!
Excellent article, Derp. Many much amusement.