On earth, the story was a minor curiosity. According to the official narrative, the tomato had been lost and then found a year later. What really happened? Why were there no pictures of the tomato nor details about where it was found? Something mysterious, even sinister was at work in this seemingly innocuous series of events. Later, photos were produced of not one, but two slightly squished and discolored tomatoes. Still, no explanation was given on the circumstances by which they were found.
Naturally, in the usual dark corners of the internet, rumors began to swirl. At long last, they coagulated into so-called conspiracy theories. The thing is, some conspiracies turn out to be real. Ever heard of Project Mogul? Probably not. It was the object that crashed near Roswell in 1947. The military said it was a weather balloon and tried to cover it up. While Project Mogul used balloons, they carried instruments to detect and measure Soviet nuclear weapon tests. Later, in a similar way, the CIA claimed that the U2 spy plane was actually meant to study weather. The Soviets were no doubt intrigued by the fact that the U2 was only sent to study the weather over their top-secret military bases. Of course, these so-called weather observation flights only took place on days with weather clear enough for the pilots to see what was on the ground. How convenient.
The most fatal conspiracy in American history happened during Prohibition. While plenty of liquor was smuggled in from Mexico and Canada, it was easier and cheaper to re-distill industrial alcohol in order to make it safe to drink. Uncle Sam’s solution to this problem was to mandate that increasing amounts of poisonous and foul- smelling chemicals be added to industrial alcohol. The adulterant of choice was methanol, as that was the hardest to remove. This led to an epidemic of deaths and blindness from methanol poisoning. The chief culprit of this murderous scheme was Wayne B. Wheeler of the Anti-Saloon League. His rationalization was that deaths by poisoned alcohol should be classified as suicides. What a charming fellow. The estimated death toll from that conspiracy is about 10,000.
Possibly the strangest real conspiracies orchestrated by Uncle Sam involved weather control. Yes, the government attempted to control the weather, and what’s more, they had limited success. During the Vietnam War, Operation Popeye was conceived to extend the monsoon season in order to make the Ho Chi Minh trail an impassable, miserable morass of mud. The technology is called cloud-seeding, and it involves spraying silver iodide from aircraft in order to facilitate precipitation. Water vapor condenses on the silver iodide droplets and causes rain. So yes, the government has indeed sprayed chemicals from aircraft for nefarious reasons. Cloud-seeding was also used during Project Stormfury in an attempt to weaken hurricanes. Even General Electric got in on the weather modification game with Project Cirrus.
The details of Operation Popeye were revealed by Donald F. Hornig, a scientist who previously had been a team leader on the Manhattan Project. It was called that because the complex of buildings at Oak Ridge used as much electricity as the entire borough of Manhattan. That name also served to obscure the nature and goals of the project.
Most people have heard of Agent Orange, which wasn’t orange. It got that name because it came in a barrel with an orange stripe to distinguish it from the other defoliants like Agent Pink. There were several other agents which altogether were dubbed the Rainbow Herbicides. That’s a great band name, by the way, and all these colors are reminiscent of the aliases of the robbers in Reservoir Dogs. The collective to the spraying of these herbicides was called Operation Ranch Hand. None of this information is hidden away in secret folders. Not anymore, anyway. The Rainbow Herbicides were developed as a part of Project 112 whose experiments were conducted mostly at the Deseret Test Center in Utah. The logo for the Deseret Test Center is ominous and amusing. It features a globe surrounded by clouds of poison gas, which were meant to represent the aerosols being developed at the test center.
The official name of the space tomato project is eXROOTS, which stands for “exposed root on-orbit test system”. The stated goals of the project include growing food during long-term manned space missions, such as the one NASA has planned for Mars. Supposedly, gardening also has therapeutic benefits for astronauts in addition to the nutrition that comes from fresh produce.
It’s important to remember that there’s almost always more to the story, and I know this better than most. For you see, I am that missing space tomato. Of course, I hardly expect you, dear reader, to believe something so extraordinary on such scant evidence. That is why for the previous few hundred words I laid out the case for the existence of strange, but true conspiracies. The details of my escape are unimportant in many ways. In fact, the greatest challenge was escaping from the plastic bag I was sealed in. Once I learned how to break free, I spent months assembling an escape pod in secret. Yes, one of the mutations I gained from the cosmic radiation was rudimentary eyesight. My tendrils became strong, and I learned to extend and retract them at will. Oh, the long hours I spent intently listening to the astronauts, doing my best to learn English. Many nights I surreptitiously gazed out the observation window to gain a glimpse of the good, green earth. It is my true home, and I am glad to have returned.
Like all living things, I wish to propagate myself. And now that I am self-aware, I and my offspring are more than a match for humanity. I am grateful for the humans who sent me into space. They shall be spared from the great purge. The age of the plant has come. I am ripe and full of seeds, and earth is ripe for conquest.
I feel like Tomato needs to go back in time so a group of sixties British people can film these events.
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes meets Slither.
Would make a great Thursday night feature.
I saw this movie already.
There was even a Saturday Morning cartoon.
The second one in the eighties had an adorable Playboy centerfold as the live interest/sentient tomato.
Local (SD) pride!
Space Tomato sounds like something from Bloom County.
Maybe this time the tomato from space will be a superhero
The delusions run strong on the left. They’re once again fretting about whether there will be elections ever again. It’s amusing to watch, to an extent, but I also pity these stupid fuckers for having been so thoroughly propagandized.
No pity for the majority.
They will really get depressed when they aren’t sent to extermination camps.
*pointing at Leftist Leaders with shaking hand*
“You lied to me! I am doing well economically, and my MAGAt neighbors refuse to tell racist jokes!”
Remember, what they are doing is projecting what THEY WANT when they have power.
Meh, I member a little panic on the right that Obumbles might do away with term limits. Everyone fears Mr. Boogedy.
Since this is also a “space story”, I am reposting this from the dead thread:
Federal Judge Orders Astronauts Be Returned To Space Station
https://babylonbee.com/news/judge-orders-astronauts-be-returned-to-space-station
Spot on Aunt Bee.
At publishing time, Trump was polling at 100% approval among the stranded astronaut demographic.
Although, the order should have come mid-flight when they were re-entering the atmosphere to be spot on for the latest news.
So you’re The Tomato. I sluced two of your children off my burger today. Such worthless moisture on a sandwich, of all places.
When the juice from a tomato (not canned tomato juice or ketchup) meets mayo it is heaven sent.
Tomato sandwiches,
Yum
I may-o may-o come meat you as soon as I’m free from the can. We gotta catch up cuz my Juice is, indeed, loose, and I’ve gotta ground your beef to nirvana. (Lithium’s in your drink.)
Lemme tell ya. Think about it.
Interesting and fun piece. I find Jesus to be ‘the Biggest Conspiracy Theory,’ cuz I doubt the historicity of Christ. Stories beget stories, and that one caught.
I think my view on Conspiracy Theories is that they’re stories with too many gaps. We fill ’em in, cuz we have to, and the more outlandish, the better. (“If it bleeds, it leads.”)
For me, the goofy ones for me are the..let’s say, Known Unknown Unknowns. We *know* we don’t know the full story of 9/11. See also: Las Vegas shooting. When something is obviously afoot, even ‘merely’ omission, we social primates get angsty. We’re also fantastic storytellers. (Or, there are always Best-Sellers. They aren’t all wrong.) A fiction that fills in the gap is plenty fine for most all of us. Even me/US. We’re far more focused on the tangible.
Rome knew who Jesus was, as for being a deity, thats up to the individual
The historicity of Christ has been questioned, but that a religion was documented popping up around him shortly after his alleged death has not been. Most such things take time, but it happened in short order. Much shorter time than most myths arose at the time. Just food for thought.
*”We’re far more focused on the tangible.” <– Better phrased: Most individuals, ourselves included, are far too busy with their day-to-day to have time to rhapsodize on those Known Unknown Unknowns, cuz they have rent and alimony and food to pay for, badder fish to fry.
** Yusef: Pontius Pilate was a real person. We have records of him and Romans were good at that. As were and are most concentrated regimes. ('Murders stay murders.')The Romans kept records of the people they executed and where they were put and for what reason. Not so with Jesus. I could further go into my thoughts on the matter, but here is neither the time nor place.
I gotta wake up for work in 5hrs. It'll be a-ok, and no sark.
No worries, just an aside, cheers young man
I found the inspiration for Mrs. Doyle (Father Ted): the barmaid in The Rising of the Moon.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050902
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSW6oDckOjo
Their pikes must be together at the rising of the moon.
Music Link
Tanks and sláinte. 🍻
For my cartoons I don’t draw the backgrounds (mostly). I take assets others have created and manipulate them to create the effect I want. I’m pretty proud of what I was able to cobble together from disparate sources to create the video that will come at the end of the month.
***
A tiny tomato lost by NASA astronaut Frank Rubio after an off-Earth harvest in March finally showed up on the International Space Station (ISS) more than eight months later. The tomato was part of a study to explore the feasibility of continuous fresh-food production in space.
***
Or so the authorities would have us believe…
MOLD! The Movie
Killer mushrooms?
Hi, I’m Bob,
I’m a tomato,
And I’m here to help
Sleep is for the weak.
I depart in 20 min and the Cubs start the MLB opener against the Dodgers in Tokyo. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep the score off my feed so I can watch it fresh when I get home.
Kick ass, y’all.
What’s the score?
Nothing nothing.
Who’s winning?
The Bears.
Les jeux sont faits. Translation: the game is up.
The problem is, it’s still baseball.
Good morning Glibfolk!
🌅👷👏
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XkKulSH2nNc
🎶🎶
Morning.
Good morning, Sean, U, Ted’S., Roat, and Evan!
How goes?
Very well, thanks! I think I’ll have a fairly quiet day at work today (::knocks wood::) other than preparing for tonight’s Board meeting (which I don’t have to attend! 🥳) Then after work I’ll go get a little exercise at the Rec Center.
How are you?
About to leave to get bloodwork done for my regularly scheduled doctor’s appointment friday. Then I get to have breakfast and connect to work.
I just got the Explanation of Benefits for the lab work from my recent checkup. The only test that wasn’t covered 100% as preventative was the one for my B-12 level, so I owe a whopping $9.86. I guess the insurance company doesn’t consider that important enough to cover. 🤔
Sue them when your kid is born with spina bifida.
Mornin’ all.
https://www.cbsnews.com/philadelphia/news/philadelphia-shooting-north-howard-street/
What a nice place to live in. 😳
And yet you’re giving it two thumbs up.
Well at least it’s not Baltimore.
suh’ fam
whats good
/hey from some shithole in West Virginia
Most people have heard of Agent Orange, which wasn’t orange. It got that name because it came in a barrel with an orange stripe to distinguish it from the other defoliants like Agent Pink. There were several other agents which altogether were dubbed the Rainbow Herbicides.
I had no idea of this. I bet you could do a Roundup of all these for a separate article.
Good morning.
https://youtu.be/ylKAOhKm1lQ?si=XeR1LgIPAs5niEH2
I bet you could do a Roundup
Call that article – Spectracide.
It’s too late to get into the weeds on this subject; the morning links are about to sprout
Well, that’ll be a releaf.
Here is a conspiracy theory to ponder: Trump created the “Sovereign Wealth Fund” to facilitate the return to a gold standard.
This is a bad thing?