Don’t Dox Me Bro! Part 1

by | Aug 23, 2022 | Film | 118 comments

So, there this, um, guy I know. In the early 2000s he made short films, now he makes cartoons. He’d like to share these short films, but this guy, this friend of mine, was always afraid of being doxed. But after attending a lovely gathering to celebrate a life cut too short has just kind of said ‘Fuck it!’.  So, this friend of mine, totally not me, would like to share some of the short films he made with some crazy people on the internet. He’ll only share the shorter ones, unless people want to see the longer ones.

This first one is a 10 minute mockumentary shot concurrently with the 30 minute long ‘Time Thief’ in 2004 (with the premise that to travel through time one must steal time, and can then only travel in 4 year increments to account for the stolen time, because the leap year helps to correct for the missing time). Oddly enough, it’s called ‘Time Thief: A Behind The Scenes Mockumentary’.

Apologies for the quality. The only extant versions of these films are in compression and resolution supported at the time for online video, or in the last case if we get that far, just because transfers between the Macintosh and Windows environments had a very low amount of shared formats and removable media at the time.

As said, this was shot concurrently with the production of a longer film, and mostly adlibbed on set.  00:09:24 run time. SFW? I dunno.

About The Author

CPRM

CPRM

Organic troll farmer.

118 Comments

  1. Zwak. And once again, the mall is his Waterloo

    Nice. We wrote a bunch of stuff like this back in the 80s to film on Super8 but never got past the planning stage. Return of The Revenge of the Portegue Ninja II, Cyber Chips and Salsa. Stuff like that.

    But you actually did it, which is cool.

  2. KK the Porcine Pearl-Eater

    Very cool CPRM! Moar!

  3. Yusef drives a Kia

    Ohh,thats fucking insane!
    I love it. Thanks CP!

  4. rhywun

    Nice! I’m in a short somewhere – probably uncredited. I think I had a line but I don’t remember what it was. The shorts my buddy did were “serious” 🙄 but still largely massive exercises in goofing off.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      The run time was seen, what was done
      😉

  5. kinnath

    late to the game today

    Daily Quordle 211
    5️⃣3️⃣
    6️⃣4️⃣

  6. DEG

    Stoner certified. Nice!

    • MikeS

      That bit gave me a chuckle.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I played flip city today, article coming, it wa fucking awesome!

  7. Tundra

    Lol.

    I like the bong hit at the beginning. Sets the tone nicely!

    The special time travel equation on the chalkboard looked familiar, too!

    Tell your friend it was terrific!

  8. CPRM

    Smart people doing smart things:

    GREEN BAY (WLUK) – Kayla Childs was sentenced to two years, six months in federal prison for her role in the death of a woman whose body was set on fire to cover her death by drug overdose.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Oh gee let’s sit around fire that’ll make it all better,
      WTF,

  9. Yusef drives a Kia

    Her on fire, damn autocorrect!

  10. pistoffnick

    JonCPRM,

    It was nice to meet you (for the second time) at SP’s Celebration of life. Your salsa (featuring Sean’s peppers) was indeed spicy – while I did go for seconds, I thought better of going for thirds.

    It seems (according to the short movie I just watched) that you have a large schwanstucker. That should serve you well in your acting career.

    /I hope there was no ‘special sauce” in the salsa.

    • Fourscore

      Excellent production, music at the end was great.

      Meeting the real CPRM was also a treat, hope you’ll come back to visit, maybe the HH.

      • CPRM

        I’m planning on making it this year. Getting new tires tomorrow.

    • CPRM

      Nice to see you again as well. Sean has said he will send me more peppers this year, I can’t wait. MMMMMM spicy!

      • Sean

        😁. Yes.

        Peppers are starting to happen. Been an awkward start though.

        This was fun.

    • pistoffnick

      *updates Glibs dossier*
      *CPRM = Jon*

      • pistoffnick

        *adds string and pushpin to the wall*

        /notaFED

      • MikeS

        “Jawn”

      • CPRM

        That’s how my nieces pronounced it when they were young.

      • rhywun

        midwest → “Jahhn”

  11. MikeS

    *hits play

  12. pistoffnick

    I starred in a couple of 8mm movies. One was called “The Poor Conductor” shot by my girlfriend, later wife, later ex-wife for her high school film studies class. The train conductor get executed (well, they try) in the electric chair. Hence, “The Poor Conductor”.

    The other was for my friend’s college film class. I executed a perfect front flip into a snowbank at Thompson Hill – one fucking take. I also filmed a little bit, hanging off the tailgate of a Mazda B2000 pickup tailgate driving up Interstate I-35 at 70 miles per hour.

    • pistoffnick

      I’m no best boy. though.

      • pistoffnick

        I do have a key grip, though.

      • slumbrew

        Western grip?

      • MikeS

        Kung-fu

  13. Brochettaward

    This comment section needs a First to set the mood.

  14. MikeS

    Being a connoisseurus of Jawn’s films, I can assure you that the best is yet to come.

  15. creech

    Just learned on NBC News that “while some Republicans will try to stop the student loan forgiveness, polls show 62% of voters favor” the Biden plan. Wonder what the result would be if the pollster’s question included “and you’ll be expected to pay for it.”

    • rhywun

      62% of voters favor _________

      We are so fucked.

    • rhywun

      I seriously thought this would be the straw that broke the camel’s back.

      Fuck, I was an innocent.

    • CPRM

      I’ll be honest, the only reason I took out student loans 20 years ago was because I thought they would do this eventually. Out of all the stupid shit the government has done since then this would be the first to benefit me, so lets get’er done. Still doesn’t mean I’m voting for politicians that support it or think this is a good idea.

      • rhywun

        I paid mine off long ago – at the behest of then significant other, I might add. He was much more financially savvy than I was.

      • CPRM

        I’ve been able to avoid paying them by staying poor. “Income Based Repayment”=$0 a month? That’s a payment I can make! I’m fucked by the interest if these dumb bastards don’t do the dumb shit I’ve expected them to do at some point.

      • rhywun

        I was poor for a long time – I defaulted on mine and wound up paying much less in the end than what I owed. Not my proudest achievement but I’ll take it.

      • rhywun

        BTW my original debt was $15,000. Chump change by today’s standards.

    • Chafed

      I don’t believe it. I’d like to see the polling sample and actual questions.

    • hayeksplosives

      I managed to get by debt-free for my bachelor’s degree through scholarships, tutoring, donating plasma, and working for the Uni as a lab teacher.

      My master’s degree was another matter. For that, I had to take out a personal loan, not a federal student loan, since I was going to the Royal Institute of Technology (Sweden), and they weren’t on “The List.” Loan was $22k.

      I was only 22 at the time, no real credit history, so dad co-signed the loan. He took out an insurance policy on me just in case I keeled over.

      I got my first “real” job in 1999 and IMMEDIATELY started paying back thst loan. Done in 3 years. Helps to Major in a real degree, not a “liberal arts” sack of nonsense.

      I don’t want to pay anyone’s student loan. I hope this gets adequately covered in media so that everyone sees how awful it is to “cancel” debt.

      • CPRM

        Helps to Major in a real degree, not a “liberal arts” sack of nonsense.

        Agreed! *Hides BFA in Radio-TV-Film with minor in Theatre*

  16. Ownbestenemy

    Alright…they hit the nostalgia and action movie points on the new Top Gun. Though….flying a canyon and hitting a target 3m across is like hitting a womp rat.

    • CPRM

      Xenu done it!

    • rhywun

      I am like the only person on the planet who never saw the original, nor cared to.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Bill Pullman’s son was a surprise

      • Mojeaux

        Loved the nerd shout-out.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Its excatly how you (I believe) said…and I enjoyed it while stuffing popcorn and sucking down soda like I was in a 80s theater.

  17. pistoffnick

    /never pay full price.

    I bought a Trudeau Raclette grill on craigslist tonight for $20. While it is not as nice as the Swiss-Mar Raclette grille I bought my ex-wife several years ago, it will keel melt Raclette cheese.

    I pity you if you (fool) have never had melted Raclette cheese over parboiled potatoes/cauliflower/ broccoli. I pity you (fool) if you have never fried an egg or a shrimp or a scallop on top of a raclette grill.

    • MikeS

      I’ll stick to melting three-cheese on corn chips in the microwave. And I pity you (fool) if you think that isn’t good eats.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Microwave burritos because
        Fuck yeah!

    • CPRM

      …Trudeau Raclette…on craigslist…for $20.

      No need for all these code words here, we’re fine with you getting a hooker for the same as downtown. We don’t judge.

    • Chafed

      If it’s a Trudeau then I assume it was made by a Cuban and expects you to do all the work.

  18. Yusef drives a Kia

    Weird ass French people

    • CPRM

      XXXI, the triple X version, damn typo…

  19. LCDR_Fish

    Good post earlier UCS – I’ve been working on seeing about GS options supporting the unit I’m currently a reservist for. They’re supposed to be hiring a bunch more civilians, but I may not be qualified enough yet (also I think some budgets are going to be delayed till later in the next FY).

    GS positions seem like a good option for living overseas in Japan or Singapore or a few other positions – given the housing allowance – even if the salary is a little less – especially since mil support is what I like/am decent at/learn fast…

  20. CPRM

    There is a trend I’ve noticed on youtube, two ‘recommended’ videos tonight and I have seen it before, where the video is someone talking over unrelated video game footage. These all have more views than anything I’ve ever produced combined. I could at least understand the old days of people sharing cat videos 600 times more.

    • PieInTheSky

      you need to get more red pilled and talk about how hoes aint shit that gets the algorithm running.

      • CPRM

        I have no idea how that algorithm works. After 5 years and 50+ episodes searches for The Hat and The Hair brings back more results for The Cat In The Hat than my cartoons.

    • Rat on a train

      Do you prefer videos of someone reacting to watching youtube videos?

  21. CPRM

    I have hoed shit before. But I don’t garden anymore.

    • rhywun

      At least there are some adults in that room who should be able to put a stop to that stupid idea.

    • Rat on a train

      $500 million is not going to have any adverse impact on the inflation rate
      What’s it to him? Inflation is only an inconvenience to the rich.

    • DEG

      “The commonwealth has the capacity to actually help out so I think we ought to do it,” Wolf said. “Pennsylvania’s economy is what? $800 billion a year? Being the 18th largest economy in the world, $500 million is not going to have any adverse impact on the inflation rate.

      Fuck you cut spending.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Primarily a disease transmitted through certain kinds of sex but you may want to refrain from skin to skin contact with people with open, weeping lesions. Duly noted. They seem to be obsessed with convincing the public that we’re all equally likely to get it which we most definitely aren’t.

    • R.J.

      “Greco-Roman Wrestling “

  22. Gender Traitor

    Good morning, Stinky, Sean, DEG, RoaT, and rhy!

    I (almost) don’t care what happens at work today because I get to leave early! 😃 It’s hair appointment day! 👩‍🦰

    • DEG

      Mornin’.

      I get to head into the office today. A going away lunch for a coworker.

      • Gender Traitor

        I’ve had certain coworkers who’ve retired or otherwise moved on where I thought it would have been more appropriate to throw the party AFTER they’ve left. I trust this isn’t one of those.

    • UnCivilServant

      I get to leave late – it’s big giant kickoff meeting day.

      • Gender Traitor

        Good morning, U! I’m sorry you’ll be stuck at the office so long. Especially for a meeting. 🙁

      • UnCivilServant

        At least I don’t have to present today.

      • Gender Traitor

        Do you have to pay attention?

      • UnCivilServant

        Probably. This project will dominate the next five or six years at the office.

      • Grosspatzer

        Mornin’, U.

        This project will dominate the next five or six years at the office

        And will be outdated when released. Not very agile, are we? ☺️

      • UnCivilServant

        The agile fad is not supported here.

        The project plan does include ongoing updates to the underlying software, but a lot of the work is in the data conversion and business process redesign.

        My job is the easy part.

  23. DEG

    Mornin’ all. Off to the gym.

    • Gender Traitor

      From a link in the article:

      the first model from Rivian–a startup based in Irvine, California

      Sorry, but not being a collector, I’d be wary of being an “early adopter” from a brand new company for something that…significant.

      • UnCivilServant

        “But this is the next big thing. In forty years you’ll be able to sell it for a fortune!”

        /results not guaranteed, your milage may vary.

      • Grosspatzer

        your milage may vary.

        What you did there, has been seen.

    • Rat on a train

      100 miles on a flat course. I guess if you are into backyard camping.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      That goes into the “No Shit, Sherlock” file.

    • Scruffy Nerfherder

      “ The physics aren’t different from towing with an internal-combustion pickup; in both cases the range will be sliced roughly in half.”

      That’s not really true. I don’t lose half my mileage when towing for deliveries.

      But now I want to evaluate it more closely and figure out why.

      • UnCivilServant

        If you figure it out, can you do a writeup for the rest of us? I’m unable to come up with a viable hypothesis as to why electric underpwerofrms so badly in that area.

  24. Grosspatzer

    Mornin’, reprobates!

    Good stuff, CPRM. That “robot” bore more than a passing resemblance to the one in “Lost in Space”. Danger, Will Robinson!

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, ‘patzie!

      That “robot” bore more than a passing resemblance to the one in “Lost in Space”.

      You can’t beat the classics! 🤖

  25. UnCivilServant

    ITS has given [Carrier] direction to enable Wireless Priority Service (WPS) on your [Carrier] phone, thru the Federal Department of Homeland Security (DHS) today. This gives you priority cellular calling during periods of network congestion or disruption.

    Wait, what?

    There is literally nothing about my job which is vital in the sort of emergency that creates telephone network congestion or disruption. I support HR software. Hell, most of the agency has zero reason to have comms priority in an emergency situation.

    • Grosspatzer

      It’s good to be an essential worker in these trying times. Congratulations!

    • Gender Traitor

      If this is strictly a work phone, you’d probably just as soon have lower priority – or outright inaccessibility – for the slightest problem. “Oh, noes! The wind is blowing! I haz no mobile signal!”

      • UnCivilServant

        This is a strictly work phone.

        I keep it separate from my personal phone (whose number I’ve had since college) so that I don’t subject my device to their asinine rules and management.

    • Rat on a train

      HR software problems could delay DEI training. Think of the children.

      • UnCivilServant

        Think of the children

        *shuts off the learning management system where the mandatory training lives*

    • Not Adahn

      Important people gots to get paid. And it’s vital that their vacation requests are processed in a timely fashion. Most especially in a crisis situation.

      • UnCivilServant

        Neither of those are run through our systems.

        Now if you wanted to work through the multiyear process to file an out of title work greivence, or put in an annual performance evaluation…

      • Grosspatzer

        annual performance evaluation

        My mid-year evaluation is tomorrow. Presented by a manager I barely know, with whom I have had exactly zero contact in the past six months. Should be a hoot.

      • UnCivilServant

        I haven’t had an evaluation since… three, four supervisors ago?

      • Sean

        You work with owls?

      • Grosspatzer

        Scotsmen

      • UnCivilServant

        Still more feather than bird.

      • Rat on a train

        put in an annual performance evaluation
        Please shut the system down.
        Do to circumstances I don’t have to do performance evaluations for any subordinates this year.

  26. Rat on a train

    Fauci: ‘I Didn’t Shut Down Anything’ — ‘We Wanted to Cause a Pause’

    And when Dr. Birx and I came with the proposal that we take 15 days to essentially get to the point where we slow, if not shut some things down, not completely. The record will show that we didn’t shut things down. We wanted to cause a pause, if you’ll remember the terminology, to flatten the curve.

    Where’s my woodchipper?

    • Not Adahn

      I didn’t tell ANYONE to murder that turbulent priest!

      • Fourscore

        I want Fauci for my defense lawyer

  27. Tres Cool

    suh’ fam
    whats goody