“I’ve always felt like a Puerto Rican,” Joe mumbled. “Dancing street gangs, switchblades, really loud parades. These are my heritage.”
Finnegan placed a hand on his arm. She said, quietly, “We’ve moved on to Ukraine, Grandpa.”
“Has Putin invaded Puerto Rico?!?” he asked, distressed.
“A hurricane hit Puerto Rico,” she said quietly. The Joint Chiefs of Staff shifted in their seats like delicate tapeworms were wiggling out of their anuses. But this was only true of two of them.
“Not my beautiful island!,” Joe said, his eyes shiny with tears.
“Sir, Putin and his proxies are threatening to use low yield nuclear devices in Ukraine if the annexed regions are invaded by Ukrainian forces,” Mark said. He paused to rub his lips together to make sure his lip-gloss was still applied evenly.
“Why would Putin nuke Puerto Rico?” Joe asked.
“Sir, I believe the implication is that he would use nuclear weapons in the Ukraine theater,” Mark said.
“Oh, I had a fantastic meal at a Sizzler in Manatí, Puerto Rico,” Joe said. “It was just like an American Sizzler, but with more Mexican food.”
“Yes, sir,” Mark said. His eyes implored Finnegan to help him.
“Grandpa, you need to listen to the General. He has something important to discuss with you,” she said.
“I know that,” Joe snapped. “I’m not stupid. Putin is a bad man.”
“Yes, sir,” Mark said. “Putin bad.”
“That’s why we bombed his pipeline,” Joe said.
“Not officially, sir.”
“Remember, Grandpa,” Finnegan said, “We’re not supposed to talk about that to anyone.”
“Why not?” Joe asked. “It was a tough decision. I made it. I’m the President, dammit.”
“We just can’t admit to it, sir,” Mark said. “It’s a secret.”
“A sexy secret?” Joe asked, suddenly interested. “Ashley and I have…”
“No!” Finnegan shouted. “No, no, no.”
“Ashley’s my daughter,” Joe said.
“Don’t make me get the squirt bottle,” Finnegan said sternly.
“We need to decide our policy in case Putin does use a nuclear device in the Ukrainian theater,” Mark said quickly.
“We nuke back!” Joe said. “We drop enough bombs to make the rubble bounce.”
“But, sir…” Mark began.
“I have decided!” Joe yelled.
Finnegan raised a hand when Mark went to speak again.
“It’s a bold decision, Grandpa,” Finnegan said. “Very Presidential.”
“I’ll wipe Putin Rico off the map if I have to!” Joe said, pounding his fist on the desk. Everyone winced at the audible snap of a bone breaking in his hand.
“Russia, Grandpa. Russia,” Finnegan said.
“Do they have Sizzlers?” Joe asked. “I love the salad bar. All the olives and cottage cheese you want. Paradise!”
Everyone around the table lapsed into embarrassed silence as Joe made munchy-snacky noises as he pretended to be eating.
Finally he said, rolling a dozen Rs, “Puerrrrrrrrrrrr-toe Reeeeco.”
The Joint Chiefs of Staff shifted in their seats like delicate tapeworms were wiggling out of their anuses. But this was only true of two of them.
🙂
Thankfully nobody else is home. I laughed quite loudly at that one.
This one made me shift in my seat as well.
“A sexy secret?” Joe asked, suddenly interested. “Ashley and I have…”
“No!” Finnegan shouted. “No, no, no.”
“Ashley’s my daughter,” Joe said.
“Don’t make me get the squirt bottle,” Finnegan said sternly.
I laughed out loud at this
#metoo
I had to clean some of my food off of the monitor.
So many great lines, but that one got me.
That is a great line
“I’ll wipe Putin Rico off the map if I have to!”
Nice
Everyone winced at the audible snap of a bone breaking in his hand.
I really look forward to this feature every week. Somehow it always makes me feel better about the fucked up world.
SF > Mr. Rogers.
Hits too close to reality, kind of like a dirty, funnier Babylon bee.
When I say it’s too close, I mean it’s too close to reality to make me feel any better about things. I still really enjoy it, of course.
“It’s a bold decision, Grandpa,” Finnegan said. “Very Presidential.”
Damnit Finnegan, you’re not helping!
hahahahaha!!! *deep breath* hahahahahahaha!!!!!!
/goes back to finish reading
😂
What the hell?!?!
Oh damn! I was laughing so hard at the preceeding line I missed that. hahaha
I caught it on the second read through.
Absolutely hilarious SF, still laughing.
I am betting the Navy CNO and the CoJCS
Given that Space Ops and NGB have a seat now, I’m thinking the number is too low.
“I’ll wipe Putin Rico off the map if I have to!” Joe said, pounding his fist on the desk. Everyone winced at the audible snap of a bone breaking in his hand.
Now that’s how you do comedy, folks.
This has to be in SF’s top 5 for humor. Fucking hilarious. Would read again.
Agreed. Everybody already called out my favorite lines. And I, too, had to clean up my monitor.
https://t-shirtat.com/shop/its-time-for-us-to-do-what-we-have-been-doing-and-that-time-is-everyday-kamala-harris-shirt/
I didn’t know this existed, I kind of want one, but not with her face on it.
If I was more of a shit stirrer, I would print that out(just the quote, no reference to who said it) and hang it on my desk just to see what kind of comments I would get.
I wonder if the people who designed the shirt did so because they find it inspirational, or because they are mocking her.
I assumed they were mocking her.
I hope they’re mocking.
Please let them be mocking.
Most people probably don’t know she said that, I don’t see how you could hear that and not mock it, or at least ignore it because she’s on the team you cheer for.
She used to be my Senator. I believe there are people that find statements like that truly inspirational.
That’s disturbing.
I do try to work it into conversations with my wife whenever possible, maybe she finds it inspiring?
Where would one find such people? So I know whom and where to avoid.
Twitter?
I withdraw my question on the grounds of vagueness.
My answer was vague too, but I’m not wrong.
Berkeley. SF. Oakland. The local SF media.
Yeah, locally the problem does seem particularly acute in the cute old pre-war neighborhoods, dag nabbit.
“Remember, Grandpa,” Finnegan said, “We’re not supposed to talk about that to anyone.”
Holy crap, that hits close to home. When your President has the mind of a 4-year-old, he can randomly blurt out dangerous shit in the ice cream line.
Oh please let him blurt that out in a press conference, and give us the joy of a week of his entire staff trying to explain “what he meant to say.”
Imma guess we’ll get something even better, and they’ll still ignore it.
It was noted by Aaron Mate that none of the Sunday morning propaganda shows even mentioned the pipeline incident.
Obviously DC doesn’t think people are going to buy the “Russia did it” bullshit otherwise we would have been inundated with the accusation over and over.
But the memes would be glorious.
https://media.gab.com/system/media_attachments/files/116/890/099/original/b0e95b42684a06a9.jpg
https://media.gab.com/system/media_attachments/files/116/800/154/original/bf09fc0f5994dff3.jpg
Heh.
I approached this one with dread after last week’s horror show. Thankfully no Velcro this week.
Did Putin actually threaten to use nukes? I haven’t seen an exact quote of what he said, just media characterizations of what he said.
He threatened to seize Darth Cheney’s weather machine… the hurricane was just a foretaste of what is to come!
Well it makes sense that he’d invade Alaska to seize the HAARP arrays.
I though Destro built the weather Dominator?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vAe9cxru10
So, he threatened to weaponize the… (looks around)… the Jooze?
I just recovered from laughing and then I read:
“But this was only true of two of them“
JFC SF does comedic timing with the written word.
::cat
ownerservant laughs knowingly::Finally he said, rolling a dozen Rs, “Puerrrrrrrrrrrr-toe Reeeeco.”
Bravo! Author! Author!
SF is the one who bought the diary!
He might have written it.
SugarFreeAshley? I thought it was OdorFreeAshley.
I laughed all way through,
Bravo! SF!
Puerto Rico
Bravo!
I, too, hold out hope that Joe will accidentally slip out some juicy details of our covert involvement in these events.
He probably already did, and the press was told to say nothing. Even if he says it irrefutably in public his staff will walk it back.
I think he made his comment threatening the pipeline because it was an option they had discussed behind closed doors.
He does like to brag…
Like his handlers would ever tell him what they’re doing.
They probably have in sit the corner wearing a funny hat during the meetings.
Him, damnit.
This report from the White House is truthier than anything you read in newspapers. I should book tickets to Buenos Aires, stat. It will take awhile for radiation to reach it.
This episode has a little something for everyone. The tapeworm bit was particularly unexpected and hilarious.
“…and all the cottage cheese you want.”
And now SugarFree brings the real, cosmic horror out.
Brava, bellissima!
For some reason I never eat pickled beets, except when I eat at a salad bar. Same thing with tomato juice, which I only drink on airplanes.
For some reasonI never eat pickled beets,Just say no.
Hey! #metoo! I only drink tomato juice on airplanes, too! And on airplanes, the only thing I drink is tomato juice!
LOL We’ve shared this story before. What is your position on beets?
Heh, I do not remember, but I have the attention span of a gnat.
I will eat pickled beets if I must, but I FLUV fresh beets lightly sauteed in bacon grease/butter.
That sounds delicious. We grew beets this year, and we tossed them in olive oil and roasted them. That was good too.
My dad used to just eat them right out of the jar. Somehow I developed a taste for those. I also like sardines.
Sardines are great. Mackerel are better.
Beets are disgusting.
Because the pressure in the airplane depresses taste, and the tomato juice flavor is more muted?
“He paused to rub his lips together to make sure his lip-gloss was still applied evenly.”
I laughed too hard. I can see it His thing is pens. That asshole blew up our whole schedule while his aide and I ran around Tokyo for two hours trying to track down a specific kind of pen for him. I don’t think we ever found it and I’m glad I wasn’t his aide when he delivered the news.
Mafia.
Elon in the crosshairs. Never, ever be a prominent person and question endless war.
Swing and a miss.
He was right about eliminating the EV tax credit. The average income of an EV purchaser is running about $200K right now.
But that was the only thing he was right about.
This.
Eh, I’d still rather do that than blow people up.
That corrupt cunt is up to his eyeballs in Ukraine.
Bull-fucking-shit. The US was pushing Kiev to shell the living hell out of Donbass. Is that peace? Do we achieve peace by arming a bunch hyper-nationalistic, corrupt assholes on the border of an ancient empire with its own corruption and and paranoia issues?
Send Graham to the front lines and we’ll see how long he keeps pushing this tripe.
Hear hear!
*Stands, Bangs cane repeatedly on table
The US was pushing Kiev to shell the living hell out of Donbass.
What Ukraine does in Donbas is none of Russia’s business. Well, it shouldn’t be, except for all the Russian troops, militia, military “advisors”, etc. that they have there, and have had for quite some time now. Which are their own justification for Ukraine to shell the Donbas.
What Qadaffi does in Libya is none of the US’s business.
What Assad does in Syria is none of the US’s business.
Oh, I forgot, under the “liberal rules based order” those things are completely different.
ITS DIFFERENT WHEN WE DO IT!
Don’t you even WEF?
Not very well. I keep forgetting the secret handshake.
Refresh my memory – what brought them to Donabas?
Does it matter?
Yes.
Provocation is retarded.
Russian invaders.
R2P 4evah!
The Russians must be laughing their heads off at using the west’s, really the US’s, justifications for military intervention. Even their Crimean incursion used the same rationale as Operation Just Cause.
And you skirted my point, that the US foreign policy blob is not at all interested in peace in Ukraine. In fact it’s quite the opposite, by their own admission.
If Russia doesn’t have any business in Ukraine, then we sure don’t.
I think we are in agreement. I tend to focus on Russia, since they are the ones who have been working diligently to break up Ukraine and annex the good bits.
I don’t see how Ukraine rules its own territory as providing any justification for Russia to invade or intervene. That “responsibility to protect” stuff is a universal casus belli that I would prefer to consign to the portapotty of history.
Never forget that that Irish clown Samantha Power is married to Cass Sunstein.
NUDGE!
Ah yes, Cass Sunstein and his libertarian technocracy…
Funny how those nudges always end up coming from rifle butts if you refuse to go along with them.
And I maintain that “international law” is a fiction that only works when strategic national security interests are not threatened. The realist approach to foreign policy that kept us out of direct conflict with the Soviet Union for decades has been abandoned in favor of policies that seek to maintain American hegemony at any cost.
Never mind that international law has been completely undermined by the West in general and the US in particular over the past three decades.
And I tend to focus on the US as I see them as the instigator of this disaster and the impediment to its solution.
Not to mention that I resent being made party to it.
This would NEVER happen under old school realpolitik!!!
He had a cameo in one of Stone’s Ukraine documentaries – showed up right behind McCain as soon as the smoke had cleared after the coup – looking for his cut of the kick-backs and money laundering.
He told the assembled Uke military that the US would be behind then all way. This was in 2016, I think.
Ignore 2014 and go back to 1994.
Well, Alex sure has his priorities straight:
blockquote>_Alex_
@Alexand14280897
·
21m
Replying to
@LindseyGrahamSC
You need to spend less time on twitter & more time ensuring this BOONDOGGLE doesn’t happen again.
Which is more important..
Tax credit or the attack on the capital
Tax credit of theft of national security documents
Tax credit vs election interference, wait you’re part of that!
Well, that wasn’t the boondoggle I expected Alex to mention…
But yes, Obama has been a problem since he left the White House.
I larfed.
I absolutely HATE the Engineering intake process. It was designed in a vacuum around a model that doesn’t reflect reality, and it’s enforced with an irrational zeal by people who don’t work on the actual build. So you end up interrogated about every questionable and borderline answer on the forms.
Of course there is no room for pre-staging VMs prior to demand so that the very expensive vendor isn’t sitting on their thumbs while we wait for the server builds. So to get those boxes, it’s a dance of half-truths to get past the gatekeepers to the datacenter folks we work with on the actual work (and work with all the time for everything else)
You know, I probably don’t NEED to scan all the mortgage and refinancing papers from 16 years ago, but I’m going to anyway. I may not hoard physical objects, but I sure as hell do hoard information, especially when it can all fit on something the size of a deck of cards.
You can never have too many backuops.
I have Carbonite too.
Ouch.
That’s gonna leave a mark.
These are the kind of people that keep winning elections in deep blue areas. And somehow we’ve got TWO of them now.
God, I loved Veep. This is my favorite clip:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqgURrZt1h0
Wait… that’s got to be faked.
The Daily Show did something entertaining?
Thanks to “experts” the problem is solved!
Most Americans don’t plan to get a flu shot this season — lots of them say they’ll mask to avoid germs instead
That quickly went from Good! to Really?
They are right at least about one thing. The flu shots are garbage. The are ineffective. The only good thing about them: they are safe (compared to the covid shots, the flu shots still have more adverse effects than any other vaccine before covid).
I don’t trust them not to throw in a Covid mRNA “booster” with the flu shot.
I don’t trust them
not to throw in a Covid mRNA “booster” with the flu shot.Me neither.
Whoops, out of flu-only shots, all we have left are the two for one shots.
I think that was once a plan, to offer nothing but the combined shots.
My understanding is they are looking to make the annual flu shot use mRNA.
However, one small study they did found that it wasn’t as effective as the one currently produced.
It’s hard to formulate a response to that proposal that doesn’t end with “and Nerfherder went to prison.”
You’re already on a list. Prison is the last stop on the way to the grave.
https://www.pfizer.com/news/press-release/press-release-detail/pfizer-initiates-phase-3-study-mrna-based-influenza-vaccine
https://stevekirsch.substack.com/p/why-did-the-cdc-hide-the-v-safe-data
I thought that was the Bee.
I’m getting the server error again, this is my sixth attempt.
Once that latches on to something in your post it doesn’t like you are pretty much dead in the water.
Yeah, I’ve had to give up on several comments recently. No idea what it latches onto.
Let’s check the headline against the story:
Eh, technically true.
/end tag.
That’s about what I was trying to paste, but it wouldn’t let me.
I think the maskers are also more likely to get the shot, but the article doesn’t seem to think that’s a possibility.
Exit music
https://youtu.be/o8_f3kJOX_8
Perfect.
LOL
I thought that was the Bee.
Oddly, the article barely mentions masks, but has a whole list of why people aren’t getting the flu shot.
Every time I try to post with a quote from the article, I get the INTERNAL SERVER ERROR.
Did that to me recently. I forgot how i fixed it. I think I pasted into a document as “text only” and then moved it over.
What percentage of people usually get the shot anyway? I never have…
It didn’t occur to me until this afternoon that the OPEC+ output decrease was a direct response to the new US/EU sanctions on Russia.
We should probably start a betting pool on how long it is before
the CIA offsMBS dies in a tragic Jello accident.BRICS is why our overlords are so riled up about Russia. And Saudi Arabia is seriously considering joining along with Egypt.
It isn’t just a trading group. They are seriously talking about creating a gold and commodity back currency. Remember what happened to the last guy to do that?
I don’t even need to click to know what that is.
And given the current shenanigans with NordStream, I have modified my view of that clusterfuck. It’s looking more and more like the UK and France pushed for the intervention in order to fuck over Italy.
How does it fuck Italy of all places?
Italy gets a lot of oil and gas directly from Libya. Additionally, destabilizing Libya intensified the migration problems into Italy.
https://www.reuters.com/business/energy/italys-dependence-russian-gas-down-25-40-draghi-says-2022-06-24/
I’m speaking of the Libyan intervention, of course.
Okay. I thought you were referring to blowing up Nord stream