About The Author

CPRM

CPRM

Organic troll farmer.

133 Comments

  1. Count Potato

    I didn’t know Samhain was a Swiss holiday.

    • Tonio

      We’re trying to do a better job about observing important holidays that fall on weekdays. Most regular linksters are happy to have the occasional day off.

    • Rat on a train

      American Halloween is exported for everyone to embrace.

      • Ted S.

        Except maybe in Korea.

      • Rat on a train

        They embraced too much.

      • Tonio

        That’s why I try to stay far from the madding crowd.

      • Tonio

        Appropriate song.

  2. Ted S.

    Cool links, bro!

  3. Ownbestenemy

    Excellent work

    • The Other Kevin

      I agree. This was a long and involved project, and it turned out great.

  4. The Other Kevin

    We don’t usually get more than 30 kids at our house, so we make it worth their while and give out full size candy bars. That’s how we roll on this hallowest of eves.

    • Tonio

      You are awesome.

      • The Other Kevin

        H/T: Costco

      • Chafed

        I have the same thing. I went to Costco but they were out of the full size bars! So, I’m doubling up on the smaller ones.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Neighbor down the street used to give out hot cider w/ rum for adults walking with the kids.

        When our old Swiss neighbors were here, we would have a big party from after school until dark in their garage. Several neighbors would simply give away their treats from the neighbor’s driveway (me included) so that they could stick around and drink. Kids hitting that one spot could get like 10 treats. It was pretty cool.

      • Tundra

        Yeah, we used to have a blast. A bunch of dads, wagons and beer coolers. Many of the neighbors had shots for us, too.

        I miss those days!

    • CPRM

      I’m only giving candy to my nieces and nephews, Trick R Treaters don’t come round here. A whole package of fun size packs of Reece’s Pieces each.

    • Drake

      In our new neighborhood we’ve heard stories of hundreds of kids. Bought a ton of candy in case it’s a human wave attack.

      • Rat on a train

        I lived in a place where kids were bused in.

      • Drake

        South Boston?

      • rhywun

        Oh lord… LOL

      • Grummun

        When I still lived in Columbus, one year the state School For The Deaf dropped a busload of kids on my street. They were polite, at least. I learned ASL for “thank you” that year.

    • B.P.

      I pass out packs of bubblegum cigarettes to the kids, and airplane bottles to the parents.

      • Tonio

        Nice.

    • Urthona

      ditto here

    • Animal

      We don’t usually get more than zero kids.

      • Pope Jimbo

        That is what happens when you let a couple orphans escape. They spread the word.

      • Shpip

        Well, last time my sister tried to trick-or-treat at your house, she got bitten by a møøse.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Well last time my sister tried to trick-or-treat at his house a moose drooled all over her. It licked her hair over and over until her hairdo was ruined and when the spittle dried, her hair was stuck pointing out in all directions. A mousse attack!

    • Lord Humungus

      That’s our usual treat too – small neighborhood and lots of small kids – but the vacation (and coming down with a cold) stopped my usual treat buying.

      Fun size this year!

  5. Aloysious

    You partied at Spuds house?

    Were you both wearing aviators and a red boa with your tighty whities? Because that would rock.

    • Aloysious

      Edit: liked the vid. Made me larf.

  6. Mojeaux

    No Halloweenie for us. We have officially passed that age where we turn out our lights and lo, our field of fucks is barren.

    • Pope Jimbo

      My wife is like that. Halloween is still one of my favorites though, so I keep manning the door and giving out treats.

      • Sensei

        There might be something primal to heritage to her thinking given recent events in Seoul.

        I was talking to my friend in Japan this weekend and she said folks there were already concerned about the usual Halloween in Shibuya directly as a result.

      • Pope Jimbo

        When I was kicking around Japan/Korea in the late ’90s Halloween wasn’t even a thing in those countries. My Japanese nieces went trick or treating in an apartment building that had a ton of americajin living there. Otherwise it was nothing.

        My wife was completely perplexed about the stampede because she never trick or treated as a kid in Korea.

      • hayeksplosives

        We had just moved here Oct 16 last year. Hung up some ghosties and such in the trees, turned on porch lights and got zero trick or treaters.

        Everyone went to “trunk or treat” events instead.

        Probably will go buy a bag or two just in case the Covid lift has changed the traffic pattern. I know there are kids in the neighborhood.

      • R.J.

        Daughter is sick, missed school, will now miss Halloween.

      • Count Potato

        Sorry, hope she is feeling better.

    • Plisade

      “Field of fucks is barren.”

      Stealing, as I will BP’s giving out booze to parents.

      • MikeS

        “Behold the field in which I grow my fucks. Lay thine eyes upon it and see that it is barren.”

        ― Hank Green

    • Tundra

      No way!

      We still carve pumpkins, even though the kids are gone. Like Jimbo, this is one of our faves!

      • Mojeaux

        Nope. Generally speaking, Halloween interrupts my “busy” season, and is just a stop along the way to Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m not really busy this year, but it has been extraordinarily stressful and prepping for Halloween is just too much to put on my plate. I made a fall wreath, and that’s all I was willing to do.

    • Zwak. who's suit is as ragged as his nerves.

      We put a bowl of candy out front, but other than that, it is a no-go for us. The wife hate people, and I hate the teenagers.

    • Ownbestenemy

      That tis us. No light. It breaks my wife’s heart cause you’d think in Whiteville we’d have trick or treaters but everyone has consigned to just do Trunk or Treats

  7. Shpip

    A little recycled Halloween piece from everyone’s favorite crank libertarian columnist, Vin Suprynowicz.

  8. Timeloose

    Great job CPRM. Lots of good ab-lib moments.

    I’m being a Halloween jerk as per every year. My dog don’t preciate no strangeerrs on the front poach.

    He looses his mind every time there is anyone on the porch. I’m ok with that normally, but we like Halloween. I should just put out a bowl of magpuls and Camel coupons.

    • Ted S.

      We don’t get anybody up here.

      Next year I should be in a neighborhood where we get trick-or-treaters.

      • Mojeaux

        I thought you had sold your place, and found a new one?

      • Ted S.

        We haven’t moved yet.

      • Ted S.

        The home inspection on the place we’re looking to move to was today, so you can do the timeline on when we’ll be moving.

    • Tonio

      Cigarette fucking promos for the win!

    • DEG

      I should just put out a bowl of magpuls and Camel coupons.

      🙂

    • rhywun

      Nice. I got a zippo with Marlboro bucks once.

  9. Tundra

    OMG, that was phenomenal!

    My favorite character waxing poetic about STDs, drugs and government fuckery.

    Thanks, CPRM!

  10. UnCivilServant

    I have to solve this WebProfile issue in the next half hour because I owe people money and I said I’d pay them today. I can’t sit here connected to work when I need to be paying them…

    • UnCivilServant

      Anyone got any PeopleTools 8.46 experience? I know the product is from 2005, but I blame the people who never wanted to pay for upgrades.

      It’s amazing I got it partially functional. I had to download firefox portable 45.9.0 just to connect to the application’s built-in webserver directly because everything newer complained about the SSL protocols (that version was last patched in 2017). Don’t ask how I got that onto my work computer, the download site is blocked at the proxy.

      I’ve got it partially restored so that people can log in, but the behaviour of the menu bar is wonky, and it won’t navigate you past the first click. This still gets me to a place where I can get the rest of the way to places where I can change configurations, but the users will scream bloody murder.

      Of course, I expect my thanks to be a “What took you so long?!” if I can figure out the rest of the problem.

      I should go bowling and pay my creditors.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Tasteless Costume but approved by me, The Pope.

      • B.P.

        I assume this year’s offensive costume will just be underwear and a claw hammer.

      • rhywun

        And not the truly terrifying underwear and a scarf.

  11. DEG

    I hope the party at Spud’s was good.

  12. Pope Jimbo

    Still more believable than Paul Pelosi

    When South Lake Tahoe police arrested city council candidate Kevin Brunner for allegedly trashing his ex-girlfriend’s apartment earlier this month, he had a unique excuse: A bear did it. The police arrested him anyway, charging him with vandalism and attempted arson, a felony.

    In an interview with SFGATE, Brunner offered a very different account of the events. He claimed to have been regularly staying at the woman’s apartment, and insisted they were still dating at the time. (When asked for the woman’s contact information, he told this reporter that he was legally prevented from contacting her, and was unable to spell her last name, because it is “Mexican.”)

    According to Brunner, he had left work and gone to the apartment because he was feeling sick; while there, he heard a noise at the door of the apartment, at which point his girlfriend’s pit bull began “going crazy,” knocking things over. Brunner claimed that, as he approached the door to investigate, a bear broke a pane of glass next to the door, which was slightly ajar, allowing the bear to come partway into the apartment.

    • Sensei

      And regardless of what really happened with this crazy it’s, naturally, all Team Red’s fault.

      • The Other Kevin

        Well yeah, the bear is responding to the climate of hate.

  13. Lord Humungus

    EF and I went to Charleston. Day 3 of our vacation and I came down with a nasty cold. So I spent the rest of the week watching Celebrity Bowling and various bad horror movies.

    The trip back – first class -wasn’t that bad. But I crashed once I sat down on the home sofa. And I’m still getting over this crud.

    Some general southern thoughts:

    Women down there – not including the tourists – generally dress and groom better. I saw a number of pretty lasses but hey, Charleston College was very close to our hotel suite.

    Southern men look like they popped out of the Land’s End catalog. There is less – compared to northern blokes – sport team gear; especially if they’re out on the town.

    What is it with chicken down South? So much better than the dry or greasy stuff I put up with here in Michigan.

  14. Aloysious

    sixty-nine comments @3:28…NICE.

    • Lord Humungus

      69 – oh yeah /perv voice

      • Pope Jimbo

        Your perv voice seems a bit muffled.

  15. R.J.

    Fantastic work. Thank you, CPRM!

    • Lord Humungus

      And I thought those Canadians were so polite, eh?

    • rhywun

      LOL how stupid do they think we are?

      • Sean

        Have you met people before?

      • rhywun

        Sadly, yes.

  16. hayeksplosives

    Out-freaking-standing, CPRM!!

    Helps that I enjoy The Raven to begin with.

    • MikeS

      Right?! My very favorite Simpsons HoH bit is when they do The Raven. It is now my second favorite animated version of it.

  17. Rat on a train

    It looks like we will get a rainy Halloween.

    • Tundra

      Sunny and 75 right now. Not very Halloweenish.

    • Mojeaux

      Jelly.

    • Nephilium

      Overcast and mid 60’s here. But MNF trumps trick or treating, we rolled stuff up after no kids in over 20 minutes.

  18. Sean

    Yo, that episode is fantastic!!! 👍👍

  19. Ownbestenemy

    Word on the street is my counterpart in Greenville is retiring within a year. That is the area I want to get to. Time to start buttering the bread.

    • KK the Porcine Pearl-Eater

      I live 25 mins from the airport. What can I do to hasten your counterpart’s retirement?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Ha! Well ya can marry him!?

      • KK the Porcine Pearl-Eater

        I’ll pass on marriage, but…he’s single…???

  20. Spudalicious

    Bravo!

  21. Fourscore

    Good show. Thanks CPRM

  22. Sean

    My neighborhood is busy with Halloweening.
    🎃👻

    • Rat on a train

      It’s already dead here.

      • Sean

        Watch out for zombies!

  23. Sean

    Well, that was spooky.

    My power went out and then came back on.

    • MikeS

      The power outage is coming from inside the house!

  24. Shiny Nerfherder

    I’m out walking the streets with my twelve year old.

    So it’s just like every other night.

    • Tres Cool

      Gary Glitter approves.

  25. Count Potato

    The bowl I put on the porch is empty, and I’m all out of fentanyl.

    • Rat on a train

      It’s not the same when you put the bowl out empty.

    • R.J.

      Put out some drug samples from the doctor’s office.

  26. KK the Porcine Pearl-Eater

    Moving back home tomorrow! Wootwoot!

    Also, no more asscrack of dawn dog walks!

    • Count Potato

      I do what? How did that get there?

      • R.J.

        Did you take your own samples? Where should this comment attach?

      • Count Potato

        The only logical explanation is that my keyboard is haunted.

    • Shiny Nerfherder

      That’s an incredible collection of assholes

    • Ownbestenemy

      I’m convinced we are arming the world for conflict

  27. MikeS

    I watched this last night on YouTube. Phenomenal. Glad it got put up tonight and they didn’t wait until Wednesday.