Thursday Afternoon Links

by | Nov 3, 2022 | Daily Links | 232 comments

MSNBC MELTDOWN: β€œOur Children will be Arrested and Conceivably Killed” if the GOP Wins Midterm Elections. Jonathan Turley gives a well-deserved smackdown to hysterical media giant.

UVALDE 911 CALL RELEASED: Students called 911 during the shooting. There are still people claiming that the cops didn’t know there were any kids still alive while the cops waited around.

MIDDLE CLASS LOSING WEALTH: Forbes magazine reports disturbing news, but we question how they decided that only 50% of American households are middle class.

DOTING GRANDPA TAKES G-DAUGHTER TO VOTE: Totally not-creepy-at-all tweet from Joe Biden.

MASSHOLES ban disposal of clothing, shoes, bedding. Is there nothing that these assholes don’t want to control and regulate?

WHAT THEY’RE REALLY AFRAID OF: WaPo frets that Rand Paul would probe COVID response if Republicans control senate. I’m linking to the tweet because the article is paywalled.

CLITORIS RESEARCH FINDING: The clitoris contains thousands more touch-detecting nerve fibers than once thought, say scientists after they finally managed to find the thing. Newlywed beauty pageant lesbians could not be reached for comment.

NO SUCH THING AS BAD PUBLICITY: Orange Juice manufacturer Tropicana introduces OJ in a spray bottle to help you make the perfect mimosa. Yes, this is a dumb, and perhaps cringe idea, but it will get people talking about their product, much like the ridiculous Velveeta martini.

GLIBS EDIT FAERIES ON STRIKE: The rumors are true. The Edit Faeries have gone on strike. No more applause gifs for you people, until we get this resolved.

About The Author

Tonio

Tonio

Tonio is a Glibs shitposter, linkstar (Thursday PM, yo), author, and editor. He is also a GlibZoom personality and prankster. Tonio is a big fan of pic-a-nic baskets. His hobbies include salmon fishing, territorial displays, dumpster diving, and posing for wildlife photographers.

232 Comments

  1. Count Potato

    “No more applause gifs for you people, until we get this resolved.”

    applause.gif

      • juris imprudent

        applause.meh

      • SDF-7

        applause_ascii_art.txt

  2. Dr. Fronkensteen

    DOTING GRANDPA TAKES G-DAUGHTER TO VOTE: Narrator: She voted straight Republican.

    • The Other Kevin

      She filled in the dots to say “HELP ME”.

      • kinnath
    • Fatty Bolger

      They showered before heading out, another family tradition.

      • Chafed

        Ew. True, but Ew.

    • Michael Malaise

      Who did her eyebrows vote for?

    • Tonio

      Thanks. I didn’t have time to do music or illos today.

    • Sensei

      Thank you!

    • slumbrew

      πŸ‘

      Just do your best, darling.

  3. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Cute girl, impressive eyebrows…downright Brezhnevesque.

  4. Count Potato

    “There are still people claiming that the cops didn’t know there were any kids still alive while the cops waited around.”

    Their claim is that they thought all the kids were dead??

    • UnCivilServant

      In that case, there was no reason NOT to breach and take down the perpetrator.

      • SDF-7

        Well, their hands weren’t properly sanitized yet…

    • Drake

      Saw video of the shooter walking the halls. He had to be the least motivated mass shooter ever. Slumped over and dragging his $2k (+ optic) Daniel Defense rifle like it’s a roller bag. Pathetic they didn’t get him immediately.

  5. The Other Kevin

    “Rand Paul, a fierce critic of the U.S. pandemic response, is in line to chair the Senate health panel if the GOP wins control.”

    Fuck. Yes. If this is the only thing that happens the election will have been worth it. And if our betters did such a bang-up job, then surely they can survive a little scrutiny.

    • Count Potato

      Not to rain on your parade, but anyone not already critical of the U.S. pandemic response will automatically reject it because Rand Paul.

    • Tonio

      Two years of gridlock isn’t a bad thing. Dems will be unable to legislate their most dangerous ideas. We might get another government “shutdown.” If there is a SCOTUS vacancy it may remain unfilled until 2025.

      • SDF-7

        President Harris will let her winged monkeys ^W^W executive orders fly. Not like she hasn’t had plenty of precedent the last two years.

      • Lackadaisical

        ‘If there is a SCOTUS vacancy it may remain unfilled until 2025.’

        I’m convinced this is one of the most important things to preserve. If they flip the court we’re truly fucked.

      • UnCivilServant

        The losing polities seem to be well on their way to going “Well, that’s their opinion, let them enforce it” and ignoring the verdicts.

      • R C Dean

        Dems will be unable to legislate their most dangerous ideas.

        Pen and phone. Pen. And. Phone

        Backed up with federal judges who will invalidate any attempt by a subsequent President to undo anything the Swamp wants left the way it is.

  6. Rebel Scum

    We could be six days away from losing our rule of law, and losing a situation where we have elections that we all can rely on. You know, those are the foundation stones of a democracy

    Obviously any election a Democrat loses is illegitimate.

    whether we will be a democracy in the future,

    We are not supposed to be one now.

    whether our children will be arrested and conceivably killed.

    Because it’s the right that wants to harm children…

    • Plisade

      “losing a situation where we have elections that we all can rely on”

      That’s rather different than saying you want trustworthy elections.

    • Shiny Nerfherder

      Michael Beschloss is a hysterical twat.

    • Michael Malaise

      The only people arrested and conceivably killed by the government in the past 2 years were Trump supporters.

  7. Count Potato

    “triple-thick black and white milkshake to celebrate my granddaughter’s first time” is the 37th most popular search on PornHub.

    • Bobarian LMD

      It’s the number one search in Delaware, though.

  8. Rebel Scum

    There’s nothing like a triple-thick black and white milkshake to celebrate my granddaughter Natalie’s first time voting.

    A what?

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Isn’t that a shake with Oreos in it?

    • Tonio

      I have no idea, either. Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?

    • Lackadaisical

      ‘triple-thick black and white milkshake’

      Sounds like my pornhub search history.

  9. Rebel Scum

    The clitoris contains thousands more touch-detecting nerve fibers than once thought, say scientists after they finally managed to find the thing.

    I have done a fair amount of probing and I found it a long time ago.

    • Ted S.

      She was faking it.

      • Lackadaisical

        He said he found it, he’s still studying how it works.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Government grants has been issued for less noble ventures…

  10. The Late P Brooks

    It is all perfectly Orwellian, but it is not particularly effective. With the over-the-top rhetoric and open bias in the media, the public is tuning out many in the press (which is at record lows in trust). This is becoming a type of primal scream session among friends, cathartic but confined.

    President Biden was widely criticized for his Philadelphia speech, but he and others are now doubling down on this type of reckless rhetoric. The likely effect will be to incite further violence and to give license to the most unhinged in our society.

    I was thinking about this, a little while ago. Joe Biden has now made two “major speeches” (in addition to many other comments) in which he specifically tells half of the people in this country to go fuck themselves.

    Who thought that was a good idea? What political consultant said, “yes, let’s go with that”?

    • Rebel Scum

      They no longer need to pretend to care about the half (or more…) that disagrees. It’s the United Democratic Party States of America, after all.

    • SDF-7

      The only way a lot of the things they’ve been doing make any sense to me is that they seriously think they’re ready for and want an actual insurrection flare up to crush and use as an excuse to go full tyranny. Because poking their enemies to get a reaction sure seems to be all they know how to actually do, foreign or domestic.

      • Aloysious

        My personal hypothesis is that they have written off almost fifty percent of the voting public, and think that they can squeek by with a bare majority, with a little fortifying.

        We’ll see.

      • R.J.

        Both sides think this.

    • juris imprudent

      Lowry quotes one without naming them.

      A senior Biden adviser explained of Tuesday’s venture into Florida, β€œYou can’t shake a stick without hitting a Republican that represents the MAGA extremes that the president is talking about. So, it allows the president to really drive home what’s at stake and what the choice is.”

  11. Stinky Wizzleteats

    Re clitoral innervation: No pics?
    Cause that diagram ain’t gonna cut it, looks like Giger art.

    • Bobarian LMD

      When the nested alien mouth in the tip bites your pee-pee off, you’ll wish you’d paid closer attention to that drawing.

  12. SDF-7

    DOTING GRANDPA TAKES G-DAUGHTER TO VOTE

    Someone really should have done a reprise of “Ma! Ma! Where’s my pa!” and Hunter’s stripper baby. All I can think of every time he tries to be the doting grandpa.

  13. DEG

    Starting this week, it is now illegal to throw away mattresses and textiles β€” items like clothing, shoes and linens.

    Fuck Massachusetts.

    • Tonio

      This is going to lead to a lot of illegal dumping of mattresses.

      And a lot more of those anonymous shoe and clothing donation boxes. Those clothes are ultimately transported to poor countries and sold there.

    • Gender Traitor

      He said exceptions to the ban include items contaminated with mold, bodily fluids, insects, oils or hazardous substances.

      ::thinks of one expeditious way to prepare mattresses and clothes for disposal::

      • Chafed

        #MeToo

      • slumbrew

        That immediately became my plan for future disposal.

        β€œYou wanna check and make sure? No? Thought so. β€œ

    • Ted S.

      What the fuck do you do with your rags then they become unusable? Burn them? I assume that’s illegal, too.

      • UnCivilServant

        You take them across state lines.

      • Bobarian LMD

        Drop em off in Albany.

      • UnCivilServant

        Be careful about which neighborhood you stop in. Some will get you shot.

      • Bobarian LMD

        “I come bearing gifts!”

        Gets robbed.

      • SDF-7

        Pee on them… then you can legitimately throw them away, apparently.

        Pity those having to paw through the junk to find things to use in the workshops of the Commonwealth.

      • Gender Traitor

        On the bright side, you won’t have to worry about the next TP shortage.

      • Michael Malaise

        I would mail them to the governor’s mansion.

    • Lackadaisical

      How long will it take NY to follow suit?

      Are you really going to let Massachusetts out prog you?

      • UnCivilServant

        Oh I just figure you’re not allowed to throw anything out by law, but everyone just ignores it.

    • Sensei

      So dump then in NH?

  14. Rebel Scum

    Shut up, RINOclops.

    β€œWhat does that mean when the next, you know, crop of Congress comes in next year and we’re faced with similar situations of close election results in the future. I mean, this is a, you know, real threat to our ability to keep the republic,” Troiano continued.

    β€œI have two ways of thinking about that particular issue. It’s more of a threat of people just willing to say anything to get attention,” Crenshaw said. β€œI mean the good news is none of these people will ever have any power to overturn elections, right? This was β€” it was always a lie. It was always a lie. The whole thing was always a lie. And it was a lie meant to rile people up.”

    • Lackadaisical

      Crenshaw is a slime- and the first thing to make me really question Jordan Peterson’s judgement is how much Peterson likes him.

      • Tundra

        Because SEAL.

        Although he did ask Jocko some pretty pointed questions about Iraq.

        Besides, Peterson has blind spots, just like everyone else. I’m sure Cyclops McCain can be charming if he wants something from you.

      • Lackadaisical

        Yes, I liked Crenshaw when he was getting elected and maybe his first year. Now it seems incomprehensible to me to like him still.

  15. Count Potato

    “β€œthe perfect mimosa includes Tropicana orange juice”

    No it doesn’t. Packaged OJ is terrible for mimosas. Fresh squeezed or GTFO.

    (Although packaged OJ is better for screwdrivers.)

    • Tonio

      I believe the bottled Tropicana is pasteurized which makes it shelf stable (ie no refrigeration required), unlike the better refrigerated product often sold in cartons.

      • Count Potato

        I haven’t seen cartons in a long time. The half-gallon cartons are now shrinkflated plastic bottles.

        I also call white-label and orange-label cartons, but that was a long time ago.

      • Bobarian LMD

        I can still get the individual sized cartons, which come with the extendable straw that is impossible to get thru the little access hole.

      • UnCivilServant

        You start it with an awl, a screwdriver, a pen, or a mechanical pencil. I don’t advise using a regular pencil.

  16. Tundra

    UVALDE 911 CALL RELEASED

    It just gets worse and worse. If I was one of those cops I’d have already blown my brains out. Not even close to exaggerating.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    No more applause gifs for you people

    Sounds like Edit Nazis, when you put that way.

  18. Rebel Scum

    Because this makes sense…

    Republicans claim you should vote for them because they’re tough on crime.

    But when one of their cult members commits a crime against Paul Pelosi, they couldn’t care less.

    • Count Potato

      Because naked hippy is synonymous with Republican.

    • Sean

      LOL, Whatever.

    • The Other Kevin

      I still can’t believe they’re going with that.

      • Lackadaisical

        Like events in Vegas, and Christmas parades, lets keep that our little secret.

      • Trigger Hippie

        I can. The histrionics up to election day are going to be epic.

      • juris imprudent

        Or the election denials when the Dems take a beating. Something must be wrong, fake or something – EVERYONE LOVES US AND OUR POLICIES!!!

    • Lackadaisical

      But if you listen to reason, the real disinformation is Trump and others spreading conspiracy theories about the events of that day- not the conspiracy theories coming form the people who ACTUALLY hold power and are demonstrably false (thinking the president and Pelosi trying to pin this on the rightwing).

    • Tres Cool

      Good Lord. The bags under her eyes look like a catcher’s mitt. Or the bottom of one of Jugsy’s COACH bags.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    Starting this week, it is now illegal to throw away mattresses and textiles β€” items like clothing, shoes and linens.

    Back to burning that stuff in the back yard, I reckon.

    • Tres Cool

      Put it in a barrel with a grate. Cut holes to provide plenty of under-fire air. You should be fine.

      In efficient combustion, you look for the 3 Ts. Time Temperature Turbulence..

  20. UnCivilServant

    In a meeting about NY’s “Identity Assurance” plan for online accounts.

    I’m disgusted. All I want to blurt out is “I don’t trust you with that information”, but the meeting is being run by top management.

    • Spartacus

      If you’re working on implementation, maybe a bug or two could wind up in the system.

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m not. This is the “Here’s how stuff will change” meeting.

      • Spartacus

        From my experience, the way stuff ends up changing bears little resemblance to what was promised.

  21. prolefeed

    The Forbes article talked about how the percent of people in the middle class has declined since 1970, and the percent of people in the lower class has risen. – without, as far as I can tell, defining the term “middle class”. Just, blindly trust our numbers.

    Except, the median income for all three classes has risen quite a lot. As in, the median income for “lower class” people in 2020 is closing in on the median income in 2020 dollars for “middle class” in 1970. Same for 2020 middle class versus 1970 upper class.

    So, statistically impossible, unless the goalposts for each class was dragged up almost an entire level. As in, by 1970 standards, hardly anyone is lower class, and the upper class has grown massively.

    • Lackadaisical

      That is exactly what has happened. Everyone got richer- PANIC!!!!

  22. Rebel Scum

    Printing and spending is notoriously good for combating inflation.

    A majority of Americans want the government to spend money to solve the problem of inflation.

    According to a poll conducted by Newsweek, roughly 63% of respondents agree that Uncle Sam should issue another round of stimulus checks to battle inflation, including 42% of respondents who strongly agree. Meanwhile, a meager 18% said they disagree, while 15% neither agree nor disagree. The poll was taken among eligible voters two weeks before the midterm elections.

    Wait. Scratch that. Reverse it.

    • Swiss Servator

      The Free Shit Army is on the march!

      • SDF-7

        Insert obligatory Ben Franklin End O The Republic quote here… Sigh.

    • Sensei

      This is your average voter.

    • Spartacus

      I used to do a little but a little wouldn’t do it
      So the little got more and more
      I just keep tryna get a little better
      Said the little better than before

  23. The Late P Brooks

    What the…? You can’t make a mimosa using orange juice without pulp. That’s just dumb.

    • SDF-7

      YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!

      πŸ˜‰

      • UnCivilServant

        *Adjusts Org Chart*

        We’ve corrected that oversight.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    I must have missed it. What, specifically, are these children going to be arrested for?

    • The Other Kevin

      Let’s just say our hyperbole is better in every way than theirs.

      • Ownbestenemy

        He’s an alright dude

      • juris imprudent

        That’s a fucking low bar.

    • Lackadaisical

      Being black?

  25. Lackadaisical

    RC Dean in the last post:

    “I’m coming to see America as, essentially, a colonized country. Our ruling/managerial class are now populated by, and act in the interest of, a class and culture which are not, really, American.* They are TWANLOCs (Those Who Are No Longer Our Countrymen). They are hostile, as colonizers are, toward the indigenous culture, and seek to stamp it out where and when they can. They are looting the country, as colonizers do. I just think the patterns exhibited by our dominant class and culture are isomorphic with colonial rulers, not native rulers.

    *Shout-out to the recent post posing the difficult question of what does it mean to be a country.”

    The future ruling class is (and has been)being taught to think internationally. The world is more interconnected, and thus our politicians are being bribed by foreign powers more and more often. Also, many of the upper echelons in this country are being staffed by non-natives and we no longer have a culture which is inculcating these people to think we are the best, and that they need to act in our interests.

    Many of these people look down on us, – America is full of crime, unruly riff raff, idiots, and deplorable racists etc. – and the whole concept of America- liberty, equality and hard work are all denigrated as racist, false, or what have you.

    We have a whole political party and a media class devoted to spreading this view about America at home and abroad. It shouldn’t surprise anyone that things are swinging that way.

  26. The Hyperbole

    Oops! I forgot to activate the latest Glibcrostic’s online version and I actually worked all day so I just now noticed (OK, “technically” I only worked until 2:30 and spent the last few hours at a bar. Potayto/Tomahto) . Anyhow, It’s up now if anyone still cares. These kind of things wouldn’t happen if I had a dedicated day/time slot but apparently that kind of thing is only for the extra cool Glibs.

    • Tundra

      Thanks!

    • Tres Cool

      “…and I actually worked all day…”
      Suspend your pickle shopping to estimate board-feet for someone’s deck?

      • Bobarian LMD

        Just how many euphemisms are in that statement?

    • Bobarian LMD

      Potayto/Tomahto Cocktail == Bloody Mary?

      The breakfast of champions, because Mimosas are for girls.

      • Not Adahn

        Bangers in Austin sells “Man-mosas.” A mass mug filled with one bottle of cheap sparkling white and topped off with OJ.

  27. The Late P Brooks

    DOTING GRANDPA TAKES G-DAUGHTER TO VOTE: Totally not-creepy-at-all tweet from Joe Biden.

    Did they say, “Seeya tomorrow!” to the poll workers when they left?

  28. Ownbestenemy

    I listened to the one little girl who was calm under fire on the 911 call and got pissed off.

    • UnCivilServant

      I really can’t afford to get angrier today.

    • Lackadaisical

      Yeah, hard pass for me. All those cops deserve bad stuff to occur.

  29. Lackadaisical

    “GLIBS EDIT FAERIES ON STRIKE: The rumors are true. The Edit Faeries have gone on strike. No more applause gifs for you people, until we get this resolved.”

    Time to get the Pinkertons in here to crack some skulls.

    • Ownbestenemy

      They were ferried away yesterday in a glibening

  30. Tres Cool

    President Biden
    @POTUS

    United States government official
    If oil companies were investing their profits in their operations at historic rates, America would be producing more oil today and prices would be down even further.

    Rather than giving Americans a break, they are sending their excess profits back to shareholders and executives.

    Wait- I thought the whole point of buying into a company is to make money off your investment? So Joe has no blue chips or bonds?

    • The Other Kevin

      But record profits for something (supposedly) essential are totes cool when Pfizer does it.

    • UnCivilServant

      Naw, the purpose of companies is to pay kickbacks to the politicians and advance their agendas.

      • The Other Kevin

        I get it. For some strange reason Big Oil isn’t greasing the palms of the politicians who want them to go out of business.

      • Tres Cool

        Weird, huh?
        But people are stupid, and I bet the coal miners that Obama and Biden said they’d make unemployed still follow the union directive to vote (D).

      • Bob Boberson

        Not in WV…..the UMWA, which was basically started by Wobblies, endorsed Trump in 2020. I guess there is no point in having a union if nobody has a job.

      • DEG

        Something similar happened in PA for Tom Ridge after he made a deal keeping the Philly Navy Yard open.

      • juris imprudent

        Big Oil isn’t greasing

        See it was, what you did there.

    • rhywun

      “If elected, I will end fossil fuel.”

      Asshole.

      • juris imprudent

        Joe can’t be asked to remember his stump speeches about a green energy transformation.

    • Trigger Hippie

      ‘Rather than giving Americans a break, they are sending their excess profits back to shareholders and executives.’

      Well, given the rapidly shifting status quo for the basic rules of conduct for purchasing and operating a drill site I find it difficult to fault the oil companies for not investing hundreds of millions of dollars into something that’s not a sure return.

  31. The Late P Brooks

    What? I can’t hear you over the howls of laughter and derision

    Clinton, who will headline her first candidate specific political rally on Thursday night with an event for New York Gov. Kathy Hochul, lauded President Joe Biden’s efforts to combat inflation as β€œtruly impressive” but said it is β€œmore challenging to get that focus on the future” than to stoke grievance.

    But Clinton’s most pointed attacks for Republicans centered on crime, telling β€œCNN This Morning” that she found it β€œironic” and β€œfrankly disturbing” that Republicans have not been as fervent as calling out the attack on Paul Pelosi, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s husband, as they have been about making crime a political issue.

    ——-

    Clinton said the focus on crime is Republicans β€œjust trying to gin up all kinds of fear and anxiety in people.”

    How can people say things like this and not just burst into flame?

    • Bobarian LMD

      Her handlers spray her down with halogenated flame retardants before every public appearance.

      It’s what gives her that life-like glow.

    • juris imprudent

      just trying to gin up all kinds of fear and anxiety in people

      Which is nothing at like screaming at the tops of your lungs OUR DEMOCRACY IS OVER IF YOU VOTE REPUBLICAN. No, nothing like that at all.

    • rhywun

      Step away from the CNN. It’s going to rot your brain.

    • rhywun

      Newsom has budgeted billions of dollars to help local governments move people into permanent housing.

      Huh. It’s almost like flushing money down the toilet seems to have made the problem worse. Imagine that!

      • Sensei

        Surprise!

    • Tundra

      More than 113,000 people sleep outdoors on any given night in the state

      That’s gotta be low.

      • Spartacus

        That’s just the people keeping lookout for weed fields.

      • Bobarian LMD

        More than 113,000 people sleep outdoors on any given night in the state

        “If you’re sleeping in a tent or refrigerator box, we don’t really count that as “outside” “– Newsom

      • R.J.

        Replace “sleep” with “poop” and you have a more accurate assessment.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      Bring back the mean housing; cold water flats, boarding houses, flop houses and the like. Granted, It’s not how I would want to live but probably better than sleeping on the streets.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flophouse

      They preferred lodging and boarding houses to cages, cages to dormitories, dormitories to flops, and flops to the city’s shelters. Men could act on these preferences by moving as their incomes increased.[13]

  32. rhywun

    Get your protective gear out, folks. It’s a real shitstorm today.

    Work was a shitstorm. These links can’t be any worse… right…?

    • R.J.

      Silhouette of Rhywun found in a field, made entirely of feces

      • Bobarian LMD

        Shouldn’t that be a rhywun shaped absence of feces in a field of shit?

      • R.J.

        Yes. Better! Grammar not good today!

    • Shiny Nerfherder

      That actually made me snicker.

      Where do they suppose their revenue stream is going to come from?

      • Tundra

        I like when companies are in trouble and they nuke sales and marketing positions. Especially those that are paid on productivity.

        Retards abound. And a lot of them have advanced degrees.

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        Engineering school doesn’t teach much in the way of sales, or basic human relations.

      • Tundra

        Of course not. But once the product is in production, nuking the people that bring it to market is the epitome of shit-headedness.

  33. Trigger Hippie

    ‘β€œ[S]ix nights from now, we could all be discussing violence all over this country. There’s signs that may happen, may God forbid, that losers will be declared winners by fraudulent election officers, or secretary of state candidates, or governors, or state legislatures…

    We could be six days away from losing our rule of law, and losing a situation where we have elections that we all can rely on. You know, those are the foundation stones of a democracy…’

    During my adult life I’ve generally regarded the results of the midterm elections as little more than an ineffectual referendum until the presidential election cycle begins…
    Simmer down, Francis.

    • R.J.

      Pretty sure he is threatening us with what the left will do if the right wins.

      • Trigger Hippie

        Heh.

  34. KSuellington

    number1assslap.gif

    • Ownbestenemy

      That’s how you entice the EDIT FAERIES !

    • Tonio

      Post authors will be able to use animated gifs as article illos. So asslap girls are safe.

      What won’t happen is the edit faeries flitting through the comments, fixing your typos and indiscretions, and adding funny gifs when you say something particularly clever (or obnoxious). You’ll have to make do with narrowed gazes and golf claps during these tough times.

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        *narrowed golf gaze*

      • Tonio

        Raoul, can I get a cat butt over here? Raoul? Dammit.

    • Tundra

      Saal – who at the time of Byington’s murder was married with a newborn child at home…

      Jesus.

      Put him down. Better for everyone.

  35. Rat on a train

    He said exceptions to the ban include items contaminated with mold, bodily fluids, insects, oils or hazardous substances.

    Oil spills happen. The Army reused a lot of field equipment (winter uniforms, sleeping bags, …). If you were issued a particularly worn item that they insisted was acceptable you just had to accidently spill diesel during the next field exercise to get it replaced.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Yep…AF did same. When it was close to time to replace a uniform we had radar oil changes suspiciously around that time.

      • Rat on a train

        It didn’t apply to your permanent issue. You received a clothing allowance for those.

    • Shiny Nerfherder

      I foresee a lot of people shitting on their belongings before they go in the trash.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        New source of revenue for Amber Heard?

      • Shiny Nerfherder

        Would I pay to have Amber Heard shit on my belongings?

        I’ll get back to you on that.

    • R.J.

      All my clothes were marked by STEVE SMITH. They must be thrown away.
      BY MARKED MEAN…

      Recycling is fake anyway. Why continue to pretend it actually happens?

  36. Shiny Nerfherder

    Election fraud is a myth, just like the clitoris.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      The clitoris is real. It’s the female orgasm that’s the myth.

      • kinnath

        you mean she’s been faking it for 47 years?

      • Tres Cool

        I have.

      • Rat on a train

        Sometimes you just need to sleep.

    • Mojeaux

      It’s not a myth. You just can’t find it.

  37. Evan from Evansville

    I remain unfettered and blissfully free from Mad Ex. For the moment.

    I had a long day and I have to put it all together, so I doubt I’ll get any sleep tonight. Deadline tomorrow at 3pm.

    I talked to the mayor for the first time. He’s back after missing a few months after a heart attack.

    I hope all y’all are well. I’d like to be able to chat more, but I’m afraid I’m gonna be far too busy.

    Onward. Upward. Always.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Keep us posted! Maybe one of us can help if necessary (hope not).

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        (That is.. ahem… I hope for you that things don’t become that bad.)

    • Tonio

      Thanks for the update. Was wondering what became of you.

      “Onward. Upward. Always.” That’s the Glibs spirit!

    • SandMan

      Hawt!

      • juris imprudent

        Indeed, and I’m pretty sure I couldn’t run that combine!

  38. Shiny Nerfherder

    I knew I remembered Beschloss. He’s the asshole historian who gets a hard-on for all the worst presidents, particularly when they exceed their constitutional powers.

    He’s the quintessential NPR historian.

  39. Tres Cool

    Some of us work all night.
    Im going to bed.

  40. robc

    Give us all access to the image tag and you can fire the edit fairies. What could possibly go wrong?

    • Nephilium

      The day of the commenters.

      /tries to use the blink tag

      • Rat on a train

        I demand use of the marquee tag.

      • robc

        I missed the image/blink day on TOS. By the time I showed up that day, it was only a rumor.

  41. Count Potato

    Do you think the whole Paul Pelosi thing could be fake? Just set up some psychotic bum who sleeps in a bus. Throw up some fake websites. Pelosi miraculously recovers.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      I wouldn’t be surprised if Paul threw the hammer to the bum just as the cops came in and said David DePape attacked him. Then the guy actually attacked because you may as well be hanged for a sheep as for a goat.

      Again I’m just making all of this up. As is everyone because all of the bodycam and video footage “failed”

      • Count Potato

        I haven’t read it “failed”, just that they won’t release it.

      • rhywun

        They’ll change their mind, and then it will “fail”.

      • Count Potato

        Like Lois Lerner had six failed hard drives?

    • rhywun

      What, is Oath Keepers coming into town or something?

  42. Count Potato

    “Of all journalists killed in 2021, 11% were women. In 2020, this was 6%. (Source: @UNESCO)

    On the International Day to #EndImpunity for Crimes against Journalists, let us say out loud:

    π’π“πŽπ
    π“π€π‘π†π„π“πˆππ†
    π–πŽπŒπ„π
    π‰πŽπ”π‘ππ€π‹πˆπ’π“π’”

    https://twitter.com/UN_Women/status/1587777181081559041

    Math is hard.

    • juris imprudent

      If they could do math, would they have gone into poly sci or journalism?

    • Trigger Hippie

      ‘Research Summary. Using a database of 30 million profiles, Zippia estimates demographics and statistics for journalists in the United States. Our estimates are verified against BLS, Census, and current job openings data for accuracy. After extensive research and analysis, Zippia’s data science team found that:

      There are over 6,536 journalists currently employed in the United States.
      53.4% of all journalists are women, while 46.6% are men.’

      What we need is more imprisonment for women journalists. For equity’s sake.

      • R.J.

        OR, maybe we just need more women’s prison movies!
        I can help with that!

      • Trigger Hippie

        *whistles past the graveyard*

        ‘Reviews: Jailbait Poster
        Jailbait (2014 Video)
        User Reviews (58)
        Add a Review
        orangehenryviii29 April 2014
        3/10
        Only one reason to watch this movie.
        Jailbait: The harrowing true story of how beautiful Thai model Sara Malakui Lane became contractually obligated to make movies for The Asylum production company. You know The Asylum, they are the people who make those straight-to-DVD movies that sound like other blockbuster movies, e.g. Battle of Los Angeles, Apocalypse Pompeii, Jack the Giant Killer, you know…the worst movies ever made. Well here is another one, and it is dreadful but you are still going to watch it for the same reason I did, because Sara Malakui Lane is fine as hell and she takes her shirt off more times than Matthew McConaughey on a hot day in Austin. There simply is no other reason to watch this movie folks, unless you enjoy spending an hour and a half watching a movie so bad it looks like their entire technical crew was picked up daily from the parking lot of a Home Depot, and half the cast to boot.’

      • R.J.

        Found. Added.

      • Trigger Hippie

        It’s terrible…you’ll love it.

      • R.J.

        β€œHelga, She Wolf of Stilberg” is a good one.

      • Tonio

        “Matthew McConaughey” Eeeewwwww. He always comes across like his skin would be oily and he’d smell like a deep fry cook (respectable profession, but still)…

      • Count Potato

        Caged Heat?

      • Ted S.

        Caged.

      • Ted S.

        Or Ladies They Talk About with Barbara Stanwyck.

      • Count Potato

        All those insurance scams were bound to catch up with her.

      • Tonio

        Women in prison is one of the best sub-genres of exploitation cinema. I approve this message.

      • Tonio

        This charming little flick has a scene in a reform school for girls featuring a large, brash matron who likes to intimidate the girls, who we are assured are only on the wrong path and just need a good man to rescue them from themselves.

      • Trigger Hippie

        An unexpected guilty pleasure from you. Ha!

        Bookmarked

      • Ted S.

        That few?

    • Michael Malaise

      Small sample sizes mean much variation in results year-to-year. Dummies.

  43. The Bearded Hobbit

    I live in a rural area and I’m having a hard time finding people to work on my remodel, especially since our little semi-monthly newspaper shut down.

    In desperation I created an account on derpbook so that I could view the local chat room. I actually found a list of people that I can call, so it was useful.

    I’ve had the account for only a couple of days and have never posted anything. Today I got an email that derpbook is suspending my account for inappropriate content. Whaa? What content?

    It doesn’t matter, I’m done with it now that I have my list.

    • Michael Malaise

      Was it the part of remodel that included the sex dungeon? That may have triggered something.

    • whiz

      You were using it for something useful?

  44. KK the Porcine Pearl-Eater

    The clit article is a perfect illustration of why tongues are far superior to fingers. It’s sensitive down there, people!