Previously on “The Secret History of Vermont”
Origin Story
This whole thing started when some friends came to visit. We were touring about in their rented car and the conversation went like this:
“What’s the (W) symbol on this map of Burlington mean?”
(pause)
“Richard, if you’re making something up it had better include cows!”
Chapter 1: The Unfortunate Burlington Cow Wharf Incident
Back in the days when the U.S. Federal Government was disorganized and inefficient (1789 to date) it often had difficulty maintaining an adequate supply of currency. When there weren’t enough bills and coins to go around people used commodities as a means of exchange. In Vermont the primary commodities were, of course, maple syrup and cows. Maple syrup was the more liquid of the two commodities but Vermont had so many cows that it was considered at the time to be the wealthiest State.
The problem with cows is that they are large and difficult to store. Wealthy people had country estates on which they kept their cows but for everyone else an institution was created that would take cows for storage and maintenance. The institution would try to make money from its deposits in the form of milk and animal labor and would pay the owner interest in the form of calves. For logistical reasons that will shortly be apparent the first of these institutions was located on Bank Street which runs along the shore of Lake Champlain in Burlington. Eventually these institutions became generically known as banks.
People who put their cows into a bank received certificates of deposit that then circulated as a convenient form of currency. Once a year however the banks were required by law to reconcile their accounts and a massive transfer of cows would take place. When this happened the entire Town was paralyzed by huge herds of cows on the streets so Reconciliation Day was declared an antibank holiday where everyone except bank employees got the day off.
In addition to moving cows between local banks there were foreign accounts that required reconciliation. This was accomplished by loading cows on a paddlewheel boat that would take them down the Hudson River to New York City. To do this the bank built the “Cow Wharf” next to its office on Bank Street and extending into Lake Champlain. The paddlewheel boat would dock at the Cow Wharf and the cows would be driven onto it and into the boat.
Loading the cows into the paddlewheel boat was always the last transaction of Reconciliation Day and everyone would don boots and line the sides of the streets to watch the cows go by and celebrate the end of another successful fiscal year. Shortly the beer vendors decided that watching a bunch of cows walk down the street was just way too boring and business would pick up if the cows stampeded down the street and onto the Cow Wharf instead. This proved to be tremendously popular and soon young men could be seen running ahead of the cows, trying to ride them, getting horribly injured, and generally acting like they had found a particularly potent variety of mushroom up in the woods.
Women would smile and cheer the men on and think, “This is the best way to weed out the gene pool that we’ve ever devised and I see that Richard, the adding machine repairman, is having nothing to do with it. I think I’ll go over to his log cabin and seduce him. I’d better hurry. Last year he had to put out one of those “Please Take A Number” machines.”
All of this came to a screeching halt one Reconciliation Day when the paddlewheel boat accidentally docked at the Maple Syrup Pipeline Wharf instead of the Cow Wharf and no one noticed until it was too late. The year’s entire foreign account transfer stampeded into Lake Champlain and drowned. Without the annual Vermont foreign account transfer most of the businesses in New York went bankrupt which triggered a regional depression.
There was a run on the banks as people withdrew their cows fearing for the safety of their capital and many banks failed as a result. (Native Vermonters kept their own cows and weren’t affected by any of this except for one who laughed so hard when he heard about it that he fell down and broke an ankle.) The paddlewheel boat company was sued until there was nothing left but a smoking hole in the lake. Its assets were sold to a foreign firm.
The only modern evidence of The Unfortunate Burlington Cow Wharf Incident is a (W) symbol sometimes seen on maps of Burlington where the Cow Wharf used to be. The author surmises that The Unfortunate Burlington Cow Wharf Incident was made part of the Secret History by Native Vermonters as a favor to Flatlanders who were only too glad to forget about the whole thing.
Nice.
Last year he had to put out one of those “Please Take A Number” machines.”
Double nice.
Thanks, Richard. Funny as hell!
You’re welcome!
I’d like to thank my editor for adding the “Previous on” link.
And my cousin for the illustration. I wish I had a larger version but I wrote this back when 1024×768 monitors were considered big.
“I’d like to thank my editor for adding the “Previous on” link.”
We try to accommodate those that produce fine material for us to post!
Being seduced in my own log cabin in the Green Mountains. I’ll be daydreaming in my bunk.
I’ll be daydreaming in my bunk.
Seducing yourself, as it were.
This is great. How many installments will there be?
There are nine chapters. I was encouraged to write more but the source material would have been the goings-on in my small town and people with more guns than I have would have recognized themselves.
I love this. Thank you for sharing Richard!
That’s awesome.
Your cousin is quite good.
Yes. Hopefully cousin was able to make a career from his illustrating skills. Or at least a side gig.
Career. He was making money doing caricatures in high school.
Samuel Clemens’ old man on the porch must be a forefather of Richard.
Very nice.
Truly excellent, Richard! Some world-class BS.
BS?! This, sirrah, is HISTORY!
It figures the Swiss would be in favor of using cows as a medium of exchange.
“Yes, I can make change.”
Wait a minute! I know Richard, Richard knows maple syrup so it must be true.
Nice that Betty and Veronica were cheering Archie and Reggie on as they rode cows to the wharf.
Good story, can stand a little humor.
I can stand a little humor
It’s like sunshine.
New Joe Rogan outrage just dropped:
Sloppy point, but I believe he is saying everyone likes money and pizza.
I like money.
I can’t believe you like money too. We should hang out.
But do you like watermelon?
Sometimes. And collards. And fried chicken. I must be black.
I was born a poor black child
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NeS4ueaU6w
There it is
Also, fried chicken.
Ugh. Would you leave me alone! I told you, I don’t like watermelon!
What about Spam Spam Spam Watermelon Spam?
The fuck?
How can someone not like watermelon?
I think you are lying.
I wasn’t a fan of watermelon growing up. Dunno if they changed the recipe or what, but it tastes better now. Still not something I really seek out, it’s okay.
Growing up, watermelon was always, well, watery and flavorless. More recent melons actually have flavor. I don’t know what changed.
Which varieties have you tried? We’d only ever buy “Black Diamond “ for home consumption.
Watermelon isn’t awful, but it’s rarely worth the effort.
I can’t remember the last time I had any watermelon, I don’t dislike it but if I never had any again I’d be fine with that. Pretty Meh stuff in my opinion.
Oh, so you’re one of them (see morning link comments). LOL
It’s gag-tasting water in slushy form.
A lot of store-bought watermelon is like store-bought tomatoes: bland. In our garden we sometimes grow a variety of watermelon that’s a little bigger than a softball. The color is deep red and the flavor is amazing.
Interesting, tomatoes are something else I casually dislike. Maybe I need to hunt down a gourmet watermelon…
“How can someone not like watermelon?”
When you see it growing in the dung tainted waters of the Panjshir valley….then watch several of your fellow soldiers eat it after harvest, and get severe Osama’s Revenge.
Great-uncle was a China Marine – was there for the beginning of the war. I remember as a kid he wouldn’t eat fish. He’d grown up a regular Georgia Cracker catching and eating bream, catfish, whatever from the pond or river. His story was that on the Shanghai waterfront he’d just been struck by seeing sampans (I guess that’s the right term) all lined up with everybody living on them, with people fishing (or brushing their teeth) right beside family members defecating in the water.
Serious question: is this the final straw the Twitteratti have been waiting for to get him canceled? Or is he pretty bullet-proof at this point?
Nah, won’t stick – without even digging into it I’m positive it’s as CPA says “everyone likes those things’.
To expand, his fans won’t care. Spotify may make some noises, but what are they going to do, cut him loose? They need him more than the reverse.
No chance. If the ‘vid and tranny stuff didn’t stick, neither will this.
This. The ‘vid stuff no one talks about anymore (hey Neil Diamond!) because, well Rogan was right. Even the “n-word” video didn’t knock him down.
“Everybody needs money. That’s why they call it money!”
I have never understood why people think that line is brilliant.
I don’t understand a lot of things that most people think are “brilliant” or “smart”.
I’m just impressed you recognized it as a line…
It was a great movie, but I always considered that to be just another throw-away line from DeVito. But lots of people think that is some mystical truth.
Far better than a mystical truth, it’s a practical truth.
“They Give You Cash, Which Is Just as Good as Money.”
*rises, flaps flippers*
I’m surprised we keep letting them in the US, myself.
An immigration official in the Canadian province of Quebec has said it is “surprising” to learn that New York City is sending migrants to the country’s border.
New York City mayor Eric Adams told Fox 5 that his administration was assisting migrants who had been sent to his city but wanted to go elsewhere.
“Some want to go to Canada, some want to go to warmer states, and we are there for them as they continue to move on with their pursuit of this dream,” Mr Adams said.
Interesting. My dream is to not allow randos into the country in violation of immigration law.
Quebec immigration minister Christine Fréchette told reporters in Montreal that the development was “surprising”.
She said it highlighted the need to “solve the problem of Roxham Road”, referring to an unofficial border crossing south of Montreal used by thousands of asylum seekers every year.
“I think it makes the urgency of the situation even more apparent,” Ms Fréchette said, adding that Canada and the US were negotiating to update the Safe Third Country Agreement.
The treaty, signed in 2002, requires migrants to make an asylum claim in the first country they enter, whether it is the US or Canada.
It should be Mexico or any of the other countries that these people pass through.
It will be a great look when Canada closes the border with troops.
“We’re sore-y. The loony prime minister is already one too many bipocs, eh.”
While Richard amuses us, here is reading to enrage.
https://www.realclearinvestigations.com/articles/2023/02/07/the_lefts_little_financial_engine_that_could_change_the_world_radically_879793.html
http://www.tampabay.com/news/tampa/2023/02/06/florida-dog-friendly-bar-hillsborough-orlando-health-department-order/
“Despite its prior enunciation of its interpretation of its rules that dogs were authorized inside bar establishments as long as there was some minimum separation between the dogs and the area were the beverages were prepared, the department changed its interpretation and began prohibiting dogs inside the bar establishment as a whole,” the challenge said.”
My hate of dogs is battling with my inner libertarian.
In the end people should be allowed to do dumb stuff. Surprised to see this happen as there are many ‘dog friendly’ bars. Some marketed quite strongly in that direction.
My hate of dogs…
The fuck?!
They cost money, they stink, they are dirty, and most invade your personal space and make noise. Some are dangerous. You can argue that this is the fault of the owners, but it is also in the nature of the animal.
Are we talking dogs or children?
Yeah, I’d much rather have dogs at the bar than rugrats running amok.
The fuck?!
Yes. Does not compute.
If the kids also didn’t wear clothes, licked my hand and smelled my crotch that would be pretty off putting…
Haha. No shit.
I’ll go along with a ban on dogs in bars when it extends to children under 12 or so. There. I said it.
How about Capuchin monkeys? Banning those too?
“Your monkey’s right to fling poop ends at my nose!”
Yes. But macaque gets a pass.
Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?
(I had forgotten what a total smokeshow she was at that age)
What bars are you guys going to that have so many children at them?
Practically every craft brewery I’ve ever been to.
There was a vast cloud of boys having a pitched battle at the craft brew and pizza house two nights ago. All I could hear was screaming and running. I could do with less of that. Better behaved children are not a problem.
Weird. That hasn’t been my experience generally, but I don’t get out that often. Dogs seem more common, but I am biased to notice and remember things I dislike. (I think most people are)
It varies by state. In many states, they would be under 21 only. At least if they don’t qualify as a restaurant.
Over 21 only, not under.
A bar with only under 21 would be interesting.
I like both dogs and children. I’ve been disturbed by children orders of magnitude more often than dogs at a brewery. (for the reasons Swiss spells out below) I’ll take the occasional uninvited crotch sniff from Fido over a kid yelling and climbing over the picnic table I’m sitting at any day.
Sounds like nodak needs better parents.
Yeah, NoDak has a lock on Millennial parents who won’t say “no” to Zac and Lily.
Agreed.
You can be a dog mommy all you want, but that won’t propagate society.
Believe it or not, you can have dogs and kids. At the same time even!
They even tend to like each other.
I agree, but I also don’t see any equivalence between the two. Bringing children up seemed a non sequitur.
As nuisances in a bar….kiddos seem to be a bit more of a problem than dogs. Most people that bring a dog to a “dog friendly” place bring well behaved ones… Kiddos get bored, restless and tend to wander off, make their own fun/noise/distractions – which may be antithetical to the “having a couple of pints and relaxing” experience.
I’ve seen people bring in barky or otherwise troublesome dogs (barely able to keep ahold of the leash), though that is certainly not the rule
What a lot of people consider normal ‘friendly’ dog behavior I find disruptive and invasive of my personal space. I can always choose to go to bars that don’t allow dogs just like there are bars that don’t allow minors.
Is your definition of “disruptive and invasive of my personal space” the same for the behavior of children, or do they get more leeway. Honest question.
And really, it’s all about the adult(s). I’ve seen young families where the dog is kept heeled on a short leash while the kids run wild.
I would say it’s about the same. Loud noise, smells and touching me are pretty much my lines for anyone or anything.
Loud cars? Hope they crash.
Random bumps into me at the checkout? Disgusting
I don’t think I’m that biased in my definition of disruptive or invasive here. Kids can definitely fit the bill, but I just don’t notice them at bars as often as you guys seem to. Maybe I’m that guy. (Though my son rarely joins me for pints, so that’s not too likely)
To be clear, I’m talking about breweries, where “family friendly” is as overdone as IPAs. You have to be 21 to go in a bar in NoDak.
‘as overdone as IPAs’
At least we can agree on one thing.
MY PEOPLE!!!!
Calm down. There are two of you.
We could make this really ugly…
depends on the breed.
Indifferent?
Mind you I’ll cheerfully interact with someone’s dog and have gone hunting with them plenty.
I don’t dislike them – just no interest in owning one.
Three.
Cats > dogs
Also true.
You must live in some weird parallel universe.
True, but if you take them to a bar, they’ll just knock their drinks on the floor.
Request “16 test targets at FL60, please don’t mistake for balloons”
I am least got a snicker from the control center
My hate of dogs is battling with my inner libertarian.
#METOO
Well behaved children and dogs are tolerable. But given my druthers I’d prefer it if you took your kids and dogs to the park. Feel free to drink.
Now we’re taking. XD
You know who else invaded Poland?
Top Putin Ally Says He ‘Will Not Hide’ Intention to Invade Poland Anymore
Stalin?
Selim I Giray?
King Charles of Sweden?
Trolling or cia asset?
Practically every craft brewery I’ve ever been to.
No kidding. There was one in Livingston that was frequently so full of high dollar strollers you could hardly get to the bar. Fortunately, their beer sucked, so I had no desire to subject myself to the aggravation.
Ah, the old nobody goes there anymore, it’s too crowded.
Not sure why I have this, but since it’s funny:
https://imgur.com/8quDxZs
Taxes are theft.
Theft is a sin.
Jesus died for our sins.
Jesus died because of taxes. QED
Truly you have a dizzying intellect.
Jesus cries every April 15th.
:: Pencils “Liking dogs” onto Glibs scorecard, after “Deep dish pizza” ::
*adds column header to spreadsheet*
Does this mean I’m on another list?
I have to have some way to keep all these monikers straight.
*high five*
That reprobates tag takes on more meaning.
I like dogs, cats, children, deep dish pizza (at least back before Pizza Hut didn’t suck… haven’t been able to make a good deep dish that didn’t get soggy myself) and though it bucks the prevailing wisdom, Hawaiian pizza (pineapple, ham and bacon) from time to time.
If y’all don’t like it — tough. I’m not hanging around here for a communal mindset, after all! 😉
*subscribes to SDF-7’s newsletter*
The mind boggles…
I’m 26, Was Recently Laid Off, & Spent $912 On My Wellness Routine This Week
Not really. These people have mom and dad underwriting their lifestyle.
Which are you freelance or salaried?
They do/did both I’m guessing.
I think was salaried (the former full-time job), now freelance.
Given the way they run through cash in this article, I’m amazed $74k a year was working in the first place… Blowing $100 mainly on a date at a bar and subway/Uber to and fro? Jesus… meet somewhere you can walk, lady. And if your city sucks too much for you to walk, don’t live there. And if you’re in the city like it reads — what the hell is your rent with your “coffee lounge apartment” (and buy a gorram coffee maker or at least a French Press, you freeloader!)
Swiss needs to send her that JFC gif from the earlier thread… what a deadbeat. “Oh, I’m unemployed… but I think sending a couple of emails and thinking about applying for unemployment is a full day! Oh… I’m on an even more fixed income, but I’ll keep eating out instead of buying a loaf of bread and some peanut butter or cheap cheese like a sane 26 year old would do! Oh, I’m shamelessly bumming wagyu off my parents and claim I’ll pay them back for my new purse and makeup… but secretly I’m lol-ing which means ‘Tough luck, Mom and Dad!'”
Given the expenses Mom and Dad trotted out — yeah, get the feeling they’re reasonably well off down in Charleston. Doubt this little girl (mentally) has done real work in her life or actually pinched a penny. Which is fine — people get to be that… but don’t blog about how hard your week was on the internet, lady. Ugh.
Shit, I’d be happy with a $912/week after-tax income.
I wouldn’t. That would be a serious pay cut.
Reality is a bitch.
Age 26: I was married, had two kids, had recently lost my job, and was in my first of three years of abject poverty as I chased a college degree.
This idiot needs to suffer and then grow up.
See my response above. They have a parachute, if they can’t cover rent, Daddy will send a check.
Like I said, this idiot needs to suffer and then grow up. Her parents should be beaten with a stick.
‘Her parents should be beaten with a stick.’
Hear hear!
That person has a short slide to starvation.
Unreliable narrator.
I read a few of the others. I have to admit. I was struck. Some of these ladies make good money. But, hardly outstanding. And they’re living lifestyles that seem wildly extravagant to me. Half of them are talking about multiple trips and vacations. But, from their diaries, it’s hard to tell if any of them actually do any work for a living. I mean, they’re regularly talking about getting up at 9-10-11 o’clock. Like SDF-7 says below, more power to them if they can get it, I guess. It’s just, well, I’m willing to bet these would be the first to line up and tell you how oppressed they are as Millennials or Zoomers. And these are the sorts who really do have an outsized voice for their generation. But, I’m pretty sure most people in their generation don’t live like that and don’t whine about how unfair life is.
Okay. Here’s one I actually respect
https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/feel-good-diary-physician-florida
Thanks, Richard. That was a really moo-ving story.
Sounds like he’s got a whole stein full of good ones lined up. Hopefully he won’t milk it too long.
Exactly what I think of when I hear Porsche.
New Porsche K1 is rapid seven-seat luxury EV for 2027
None of that is Porche.
Barf.
My buddy owned a Cayman and Cayenne. While he liked the SUV, he always said he was embarrassed to own a four door Porsche.