Cuddling a Hooker

by | Mar 4, 2023 | Beer, Brewing, Food & Drink, Military | 112 comments

The year was 2008.  I walked into the chow hall at Talil AB.  Grabbed my food, and walked past several refrigerators filled with German-made N.A. Beer.  As curiosity between young men tends to occur, one of us dared each other to drink one of the fake beers.

This is my review of Athletic Brewing Co Lite:

That was a St. Pauli Girl if I remember correctly, and the consensus among all of us that were old enough to drink was that is sucked and it sucked even more NCOs actually walked around making sure nobody underage was drinking NA beer in a dry country.  Its like they’ve never seen the episode of Beavis and Butthead where they buy beer.

So this is the theme until I can drink again after Easter.  Sorry.

Not endored by Winston’s Mom

This is a market however that makes no sense whatsoever.  Do people like beer?  Certainly.  The primary reason why of course is it contains alcohol, which acts as a social lubricant.  It causes the release of dopamine for those of us that are probably alcoholics.  Which is why NA beer is not recommended by 12 step programs—it is close enough to the real thing  that reactions of withdrawal can intensify because that brief hit of euphoria doesn’t come.

Withdrawal however is not the problem I had.  The problem I had was explosive flatulence.  Making NA beer is essentially the same process as making regular beer.  They simply add one step, which is to remove the alcohol.  There are three ways to do it:  distillation, reverse osmosis, and vacuum stripping.  Distillation works the same way your cousin in West Virginia distills whiskey—simply heat the wort and take advantage of ethanol’s lower boiling point to remove it.  Unfortunately heat alters flavors, so reverse osmosis is the other option.  Finally the vacuum method pumps the wort with nitrogen, which binds to the alcohol, and vaporizes it.  All of these sound like a potential reason to cause the apparently delicate ecosystem that is my gastrointestinal tract reject all of this.  Violently.

In the end it might have been the fact I drank all six in one sitting.  Given there is no feedback to how many one drinks other than a functioning set of kidneys, its fairly easy to go through all of them without realizing it.  Athletic Brew Co. touts their awards and promotes their products as part of a healthy lifestyle.  They aren’t entirely wrong, each of these was 20 calories each and has none of the deleterious effects of alcohol.  Except for one thing:  whoever gave them these awards should be shot.  Seriously, this beer made me long for the full-bodied flavor of Coor’s Light.  Athletic Brewing Co Lite: 0.9/5 <0.05%ABV

About The Author

mexican sharpshooter

mexican sharpshooter

WARNING: Glibertarians.com contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm. https://youtu.be/qiAyX9q4GIQ?t=2m22s

112 Comments

  1. dbleagle

    You are too kind in your review. NA beer is affront against Bacchus.

    It sounds like the dining facility in Talil was as bad as the one in Camp Victory.

    • Threedoor

      Maybe my standards are low but Taji and Fob Liberty were great.

      Omad, BIAP and whatever that FOB in Sadr city I went to were terrible.

      • Threedoor

        Rustimyah where I was based was pretty good as well.

      • Threedoor

        Loyalty not liberty.

  2. DEG

    fuck 503

  3. hayeksplosives

    I sometimes drink NA beer in a group setting if I’m the designated driver or have just had my allotment for the evening.

    My favorite is O’Douls Amber, but most places don’t carry the Amber. Heinecken 00 is pretty reliable.

    It serves a purpose.

  4. LCDR_Fish

    The crusty E-7s/E-8s in my unit used to knock back a couple most meals at the DFAC – maybe for familiarization, etc.? Never tried the Becks they had at the time – wasn’t into beer back then.

    • LCDR_Fish

      O’Douls – that was the other one with Becks IIRC.

    • Threedoor

      My wife likes the Becks when she’s pregnant. Hopefully I can knock her up one more time.

      • Chafed

        Keep trying.

  5. LCDR_Fish

    BTW – surprised nobody mentioned it this morning – but if Disney is serious about whitewashing “Song of the South” they should return their oscars too.

    • Rat on a train

      I asked if Disney will lobby for the revocation of James Baskett’s Oscar.

  6. DEG

    Cuddling a Hooker

    I thought the idea was to pay them to go away so no cuddling?

    Just say no to non-alcoholic beer.

    • rhywun

      I wonder if they still teach that in schools.

      • Lackadaisical

        They did ~24 years ago… Now, I can’t imagine they do.

      • Desk Jockey

        We had it on there 10 years ago. Some of the student interpretations were about the opposite of what they should have been.

  7. The Bearded Hobbit

    There was a vending machine selling beer in the chow hall at Biloxi when I was there (1972). First, and so far only, one that I have ever seen.

    Can of Busch was 25cents.

    • dbleagle

      They had beer machines in the barracks at Ft Huachuca and Ft Benning in 1980 as well.

    • Lackadaisical

      Sounds like highway robbery in 1972, nickle beer night or GTFO.

    • Fourscore

      Torrejon AF B had beer/beer machines everywhere. R & G, Guest House, all the clubs had a bar open somewhere, it seemed like.

    • Rat on a train

      By the time I was in you had to go to Class VI. It was a mile from the barracks. That didn’t stop the guys across the hall from drinking enough to get the nicknames Beer Man and Ale Boy.

    • UnCivilServant

      Error 1011 Ray ID: 7a2c01995ab82daa • 2023-03-04 17:58:15 UTC
      Access denied

      The owner of this website (www.powerlineblog.com) does not allow hotlinking to that resource (/ed-assets/2023/03/Screen-Shot-2023-03-03-at-7.56.38-AM-519×600.png).

      Esoteric for a shirt, but sure.

    • kinnath

      Is this supposed to be the No Brainer shirt?

  8. Tundra

    All of these sound like a potential reason to cause the apparently delicate ecosystem that is my gastrointestinal tract reject all of this. Violently. And I think

    I laughed.

    And I think I’ll pass on the “beer.”

  9. The Late P Brooks

    NCOs actually walked around making sure nobody underage was drinking NA beer in a dry country.

    Gateway beer!

  10. R.J.

    Anyone else having site access problems today? I have been trying to finish a post and it keeps losing the site connection. All other Internet sites are not having this issue.

    • UnCivilServant

      Yes, but I didn’t want to raise a fuss.

      • R.J.

        Thanks. I just built up a new PC. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t some problem on my end.

    • Shirley Knott

      Yes

    • Not Adahn

      Yup

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Aye

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      Oh, so I shouldn’t take it personally?

      • Chafed

        Let’s not be hasty.

    • R C Dean

      Yeppers. The site hangs, keeps making me log back in, wouldn’t load at all on my phone when I was at the brewpub and using cell service rather than wifi.

      I blame Trump.

  11. Gustave Lytton

    consensus among all of us that were old enough to drink was that is sucked and it sucked even more NCOs actually walked around making sure nobody underage was drinking NA beer

    I’m glad I missed the reflective belt era for the most part. No age restrictions twenty years ago but wasn’t provided for free either. Had to buy NA from the BX/PX.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Shit, closer to 25. Where did it go?

      I’ve been drinking Suntory Allfree as my working day beer. Enough flavor to be enjoyable.

    • Threedoor

      Halfway through my 05-06 Iraq tire they started making us wear them. Just my unit though. We all looked like fools because we were.

      • Gustave Lytton

        You’re here, so they worked!

      • Threedoor

        Having to have a ground guide for everything nearly caused so many fatalities.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      According to AF Lore, the reflective belt culture came about during the 90’s at Prince Sultan AB at night with blackout conditions. An Airman on the flight line was run over by a C-130.

      Since the Airman was wearing double earpro he couldn’t see or hear the plane and the pilot had no reason to know he needed to stop.

      • LCDR_Fish

        On Liberty/Victory – I don’t think it was even in effect when we first arrived in Aug 2005 – started after a few accidents later that year (*don’t think it was on in AFG before that year either)

      • dbleagle

        By 2008 the cartoons about those damn belts were pretty awesome. I kept one with the flag raisers on Iwo Jima wearing them on my wall wearing facing the desk of my USMC deputy.

  12. Lackadaisical

    “the full-bodied flavor of Coor’s Light.”

    Heh! Good story, bad beer, yet you somehow drank all 6.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Had I not, I wouldn’t be giving them a fair shake, would I?

  13. Mojeaux

    Okay, well. I finished that fucker with 11 minutes to spare. After all that angst and not sleeping last night and triple doses of caffeine, I’m feeling decidedly anticlimactic. I mean, I didn’t even get a quick orgasm out of it.

    • Lackadaisical

      Luckily you’ve got eleven minutes to spare.

      I bet you’ve aced it, when do you find out results?

      • Mojeaux

        I think the official answer is 7-10 days.

      • Lackadaisical

        I had a similar experience with my PE. Glad I did it and all, and it’s been great for my career, but I never had an moment where it felt amazing to have passed the exam.

        You get to find out a lot sooner than I did, which is nice.

      • R.J.

        I know you passed with flying colors. Go Mojo!

      • UnCivilServant

        *sigh* I’d love such a prompt turnaround.

        I won’t know the results of December’s Civil Service exam for a few more months.

      • Mojeaux

        Well, I mean, government…

      • juris imprudent

        They give them to the Elections bureau to tally up?

      • Sean

        😂

      • Mojeaux

        LOL

      • mexican sharpshooter

        I’m sure you did fine. Don’t sweat it.

    • hayeksplosives

      Woo-hoo!!

      Been thinking about you and the Test. Glad it’s done 👍👍

    • Gender Traitor

      I didn’t even get a quick orgasm out of it.

      That’ll happen when you get your score. 😉

      • Chafed

        It seems like Mojeaux has a spare 11 minutes to make it happen.

    • KK the Porcine Pearl-Eater

      Glad you got through it!!

    • Ted S.

      R37?

      • Ted S.

        More likely F52.31

      • Mojeaux

        I have a lot of mental disorders. That ain’t one of ’em.

      • Ted S.

        Section N (the urogenital section) has a bunch of codes for male sexual dysfunction, but not so many for female. And not lack of orgasm that I could find.

    • R C Dean

      “I didn’t even get a quick orgasm out of it.”

      So I guess you just wasted your 11 spare minutes?

      • Mojeaux

        Oh, it doesn’t take that long.

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        🙈🙉🙊

  14. Lackadaisical

    Thanks for that NR link, it actually took me to something everyone was wondering about a few days ago. A crazy bill was introduced in Florida but a Republican, and the question became… Does anyone support it, short answer is ‘no’.

    Longer: https://www.nationalreview.com/corner/senator-jason-brodeur-is-a-moron-but-hes-a-solo-moron/

    “Thankfully, though, the number of people in Florida’s legislature who are interested in this bill is . . . well, is Senator Jason Brodeu”

    • LCDR_Fish

      Yep – posted that link here 2x yesterday ;p

    • rhywun

      That bill, with a couple names switched, could have just as easily been written by one of the lefty fringe creatures around here. Lone wackos are always coming up with crazy shit.

      • juris imprudent

        Or a kickstarter to shut down Fox news?

  15. KK the Porcine Pearl-Eater

    Speaking of non-alcoholic beer, I am so fucking hungover from you people last night. It’s all your fault and I bear no responsibility

    • Mojeaux

      Now, see, THAT’s how you libertarian!

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        Quick, what’s the code for hangover?

      • Mojeaux

        F10.129

      • Toxteth O'Grady

        👍 🍻

        Or should I say 🧁🧁?

    • Tundra

      I definitely picked the right night to drop in. That was really fun!

  16. R C Dean

    “As curiosity between young men tends to occur”

    After that lead-in, I thought this would be headed in a totally different direction.

    • juris imprudent

      NA beer – no head.

      • Aloysious

        No head!!?!?

        Much sad.

    • Trigger Hippie

      St. Girli Paul?

    • Chafed

      Bow-chicka-bow-bow

  17. Swiss Servator

    ” a functioning set of kidneys”

    Hey?!

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Sorrey

  18. Fourscore

    I’m getting the bee boxes cleaned up. 2 months and I’m adopting about 20k orphans, fatherless for the most part. Then they go to work, since they are all sisters I expect them to be well behaved and productive.

    • Gender Traitor

      ::snorts:: Did you ever HAVE sisters?? 😄

    • juris imprudent

      OK, pack it in, Fourscore is the Glibmeister of orphan labor.

      • Ted S.

        They’re not orphans; they’re bastards. Mom is still alive.

  19. Chafed

    “Seriously, this beer made me long for the full-bodied flavor of Coor’s Light.” Oof. Thanks for warning us all off.

    Why did it get even a fraction of a point? Is it because it said “beer” on the can?

    • mexican sharpshooter

      C’mon. Its my lowest score, ever.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    Back from the grocery store. $50 is the new $20. Let’s go Brandon.

    • kinnath

      Permanent loss of purchasing power. And it’s only just starting.

      • rhywun

        How to lie with… well, just straight-up lies.

    • Fourscore

      Not too long ago seeing a $100 bill in circulation was a little unusual. Now that’s a tank of gas in my F150. I think the price of gas has stabilized, I doubt if it will get cheaper. Groceries ain’t going back down, never a deflation.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    I read an article a earlier at yahoo finance (more likely than not reprinted from Business Insider). No linkee.

    The gist: Nobody I Know Voted for Nixon. Ron DeSantis is dead wrong about “woke capitalism”. It’s not top down social signalling by business executives looking to burnish their cred with the progressive Democrats. It is a necessary and rational response to a vast groundswell of honest inclusionaryism and brotherly love. Disney made a totally rational business decision when they threw 88% of their customers over the side in order to cater to the activist sliver groups, and anybody can see they will reap massive profits from it.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Permanent loss of purchasing power. And it’s only just starting.

    But deflation is the absolute worst thing which could possibly happen. Declining prices would be the death of us all. Just ask anybody. Anybody respectable, that is.

    • TARDis

      Anybody respectable, that is.

      I’v tried, but Krugman won’t answer me.

    • R.J.

      You pig!

  23. Aloysious

    At the risk of drugs falling out da ass, Explosive Flatulence would make a great band name.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    Your description of that flawed article reminds me of this.

    Nice!

  25. groat scotum

    I saw nothing here about cuddling hookers. 1/10 would not subscribe again.