My vagina is a poorly-maintained carnival ride. My vagina creaks and groans, and that’s just part of the ride. More than one person has been decapitated by my vagina. Please keep all hands and arms inside my vagina until it comes to a complete stop. Sometimes my vagina shudders uncontrollably. My vagina is maintained by teenagers being paid minimum wage. Coat hangers are regularly used in place of preventative maintenance.
Parts of my vagina have rusted fast and had to be patched over. My vagina is often closed due to rain and wind. My vagina has survived numerous lightning strikes. My vagina has been shut down before by state regulators. My vagina has an occupancy limit. Back in the 80s, my vagina had the longest drop in the tri-state area.
There’s a measuring stick to check the height of those who wish to ride my vagina, and there’s occasionally a line to use it. You will be misted to keep you cool. My vagina is a funnel cake. My vagina smells of fried onions, vomit, and sawdust, especially on Friday night. My vagina is a candy apple, you broke a tooth on it.
Winston’s Mom, is that you?
My first thought as well.
Not enough bad grammar and misspellings.
*ducks*
Jesus H. Christ. Leave me out of it.
You duplicitous skank.
That might have cured my dinner cravings.
Barf.
Speaking of gross, for those of you who have expressed genuine interest in my lip biting incident (2 years ago yesterday, as my phone happily pointed out from its photo memory feature), I have posted some “best of” from that day.
https://imgur.com/a/DaDh9Ux
zOMG yikes
Yeah, had to drink with a straw for a few days. Took about 8 weeks to get the feeling back.
I’d quit drinking for about a year and a half until that day, and then I went straight home to my neighborhood bar and got a glass of wine. After spilling it down my neck, got a straw. The next day was the only day i didn’t visit him.
The day after that I brought in a calendar page and taped it right to his IV tower so it was close enough for him to read. I marked the dates off so he could understand the passage of time. Drew a heart on heart surgery day. He contemplated it for 10 full minutes.
The next day he snapped out of the psychosis.
Ever since then I have advocated for the use of calendars to help other ICU psychosis patients and their loved ones.
One doctor tried to assure me it was totally normal; another one said he’d never seen it that bad.
Go figure. In ICU psychosis veritas.
Wow, that’s a hell of a bite. I wish I had known about the calendar trick when my mom had ICU psychosis after her gall bladder surgery. She was convinced she was in a POW camp and for some reason I couldn’t get to my guns to bust us all out. It went on for 4 days before I convinced a doctor to give her a drug to make her sleep. The nurse came in and started to put it in her IV and my mom says “what’s that?” Mom worked with MHMR patients so she knew a lot of the drugs, the nurse said, “just flushing your IV” and looks at me. I’m like, oh, that’s all, yeah sure, go ahead and mom relaxed, then actually slept and woke up her normal self. That was probably the worst week of my life.
Wowsie! Having been married to a schizophrenic I can understand. They live in their own world, see things, hear things that no one else can.
Glad that the repair job was good, some doctors can work miracles, others not so much.
This surgeon held his breath in on every stitch, just like I do when making a delicate brushstroke, so I knew I was in good hands.
Wow.
Owwww….
“Oh, my!”
Damn, I miss a sketchy amusement park. Most of the venues from my youth are long gone.
In years gone by the county fair midways moved from place to place with their old shabby, rickety and noisy rides.1/2 Scores didn’t care, we wanted to ride. Being a kid was great. Safe? Probably not. The carnies sober? Probably not. Country kids were happy with the once a year cotton candy and all the other exciting things.
+1 Olmstead County Fair
/I never won a goldfish
+1 Palisades Amusement Park
I assume you grew up too far north to go to Traction Park
Up in Phoenix they had “Legend City” when I was a kid. During HS we went to Mesa for a wrestling tournament that had the team overnighting at a local hotel. A couple of us snuck over to it with a few of the mat maids. It was a great time, but I can’t swear it was because the venue was great or we had the thrill of the forbidden.
The wrestling coaches didn’t do the threatened bed checks. They heard about the escapade but the team omerta held firm and nothing could be done.
*frowns*
Is today Wednesday?
Is your vagina the STEVE SMITH of vaginas?
Well done, “Glib Staff” (if that is even your real name).
I’d have guessed sugar free, but there was no reference to Velcro.
^^
I’m not sure that’s xis real name, either.
You would someone named Glib Staff would write a more phallic story.
Goddamnit. I’m reporting you.
SWISS!!
Now you dunnit.
Clueless dentist on his wedding night.
“I’m not sticking my willie in that, it’s got teeth!”
She grabs him by the head and pushes his face into her crotch.
“See any teeth?”
“Of course not! Do you see how bad those gums are?”
…and bad breath…
My vagina is maintained by teenagers being paid minimum wage.
While carnys age quickly I always thought most were 30 to 40 year old meth heads who look like 50 or 60 year old alcoholics. The teenagers might run the ring toss game or the duck thing but the ride are generally left to the tattooed convicts.
We call seconders who besmirch Firsters pustule filled crevices.
That’s a beautiful description, Hyperbole.
Right on the money.
Yes, but does it have 150 teenagers fighting in it?
Kids these days.
Seriously, WTF. First they ruin everyone else’s day at the amusement park and then a couple years later they start voting.
That explains what happened in Tennessee.
Six Flags Ghetto Mountain
Well, it isn’t as cringe as the actual Vagina Monologues.
held his breath
This is worth discussing. I certainly don’t know what is right for surgeons or many other cases, but my understanding and perception are that relaxation is the source of steadiness.
And I bring this up because of all the things I’ve mastered to relax as a marksman. I breathe regularly because to hold the breath is to create tension…..and anxiety: anything unnatural starts the blood pressure up, the heart rate up, and suddenly we are awash in tiny, spiraling inducements to unsteadiness.
If you have time, breathe deeply to max out your O2 level while finding the trigger with just a tiny tension that confirms geometry and control, draw your bead while easing into as regular a respiration as possible, and during the natural lull between breaths starting with exhalation, squeeze off when the sight picture aligns.
On this same page, find ways to maintain your posture that put the most muscles in the least tension: stack your bones so that they are as vertical as is reasonable so you are relaxed as possible, a human cairn, just a stack of stones, a tower that stands with little tension in its guys. Learn to shoot with both eyes open, to see through one though both are open: closing one eye puts a very unnatural tension in the face, another unnecessary microannoyance that gives on to stress and unsteadiness.
That’s target thinking, part of consistency, and works for archery and compass reading and etc, but it’s not good policy for combat. If your surgeon is operating during combat, I think a crooked stitch or too is acceptable.
BRASS-F — Breathe, Relax, Aim, Stop, Squeeze, Follow-through — is a great way to remember this. Holding your breath at any time is bad for performance. Oxygen deprivation can affect your most delicate organs in as little as four seconds and that certainly includes your eyes. Ever get blurred up while aiming? Breathe, blow the stress out and do what you need to do.
He talked freely through the rest of it, getting the next thread ready etc, explained the importance of the “vermillion boundary” where the white skin meets the pink lip skin, and how it was crucial to look and function. But there was then no breathing as he made the actual stitch, which only was about 2-4 seconds per stitch.
Then right back into nerd talk mode asking what I do for a living (railgun) and the questions you’d expect after that.
I was trying to keep the tears from rolling down the sides of my face (I was on my back as he reattached the lip), and I think he knew that so he kept me occupied with nerd talk.
A week later I got a get well card from him and all the nurses.
My vagina is held together with only half the pins its maker recommends so it can be more easily broken down and dragged to service the next town.
I… I… got nothing.
I’ll help you out. Timeloose is a skank.
Lol. Thanks for the help.
*channels Oprah*
“You get a vagina. And you get a vagina. And you too!
/it is 2023. Anyone can have a vagina if they believe hard enough. Even that dude with the Adam’s apple and the 5 o’clock shadow at noon.
I don’t want a vagina.
/kicks pebble
Are you saying there are only four lights?
Hey, uh, if you’re not gonna eat that…
Limey wins the internet tonight.
Look, I have a vagina. I came pre-equipped with a vagina yet I can’t win a women’s NCAA swim meet.
All I ask for is for every showerhead in America to be the detachable type on a flexible hose. How in the everloving fuck are we supposed to rinse ourselves off with a spigot that’s 3 feet away, fixed to the wall?
For that matter, how are we supposed to rinse our feet??? How do dudes wash/rinse balls?? Via a cloth, I know, but i want the pure blast of water, dammit!!
Dude, go to the store and get a handheld with hose and install it. Unscrew the old showerhead, and screw on the new one. Also, don’t forget to take out the water regulation washer before you screw on the new one.
I have the new shower head (detachable with hose) but I got no Teflon tape nor the proper wrenches.
Adding to Target run, which will be epic on Payday (Thursday).
+1
Got a handheld a couple months ago – what a revelation.
Yep, no gross wash cloths or contouring into weird angles to wash various nooks and crannies. They even save time.
You are supposed to wash the wash cloths in between uses.
I’m white, dude. No washcloths for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-U61RS_q-0
I’m sorry, that makes no sense.
Never change, UCS, never change.
Mornin.
I’d tell you about last night, but most of you couldn’t handle it.
*Jack Nicholson gif*
…is he still alive?
https://www.nj.com/ocean/2023/04/large-wildfire-shutters-nj-highway-as-columns-of-smoke-are-seen-for-miles.html
Suck it, NJ.
Anybody seen Arthur Brown?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=en1uwIzI3SE
There was a doozy of a fire over in a small city just over the OH/IN state line, but this blaze was even closer to civilization (or Indiana’s closest approximation thereof.) Somebody’s in a heap of trouble for this one.
One of the fires closed the Turnpike in Jersey City. Must have been a fun commute.
https://www.nj.com/hudson/2023/04/6-alarm-brush-fire-in-jersey-city-threatens-to-jump-the-turnpike-extension.html
I’ve been getting “fire hazard” warnings since yesterday.
Dry, windy, and highs in the eighties today.
Same here. I guess that rules out having an “andouille-nee” roast tonight over the fire pit in the back yard. ::nervously checks over shoulder for signs of Tres::
Sounds like you are writing your own vagina monologue.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jkaMiaRLgvY
🎶🎶
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/joanne-epps-named-temple-universitys-acting-president/ar-AA19JOlB
Let’s start the no confidence hearings today. Why waste time?
“”I grew up at a time when girls weren’t encouraged to dream this big and I really hope that one of the things I can continue to do is inspire young people coming behind me to dream about what you might want to do,””
Well congratulations! Now fuck off.
Pimping ain’t easy. Dream big,.
I hope she gets better soon.
https://www.foxnews.com/tech/juice-jacking-fbi-alert-hidden-dangers-phone-charging-stations
Duh.
Seems more like “Glib Staff Infection” to me.
FREEEEDOOOOOMMMMMMM… (and democracy… and MIC contracts too)
https://www.zerohedge.com/geopolitical/spilling-american-blood-treasure-semiconductor-chips
I welcome the dropping of the muh freedum propaganda but in McCaul’s case it’s just due to stupidity and a slip of the tongue, not any kind of principle of truth.
Also, his head’s too big and it looks like it was grafted onto the wrong body but that’s neither here or there.
Also, also, the Republicans suck.
He looks like every other short, no-neck, helmet-hair, chicken-hawk, motherfucker that’s ever existed in the GOP.
Mornin’, reprobates. Much to my surprise, this has not yet been memory-holed.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7RgXQSd9ojA
Good morning, ‘patzie, Sean, rhy, Stinky, hayek, and Ssccrruuffyy!
Morning.
Good morning, U! How are you today?
Well, I made it to the office, and on the way I learned that coal as a fuel was adopted first in the domestic sphere rather than industrial, and was fairly common to Londoners during the reign of Elizabeth I.
That early, eh? No wonder the air was so…”foggy” by the time Victoria was on the throne.
It does feed back into some worldbuilding I’d mentioned to you a few ages ago.
::checks vast email archive:: Found it!
Pythigator.
Streaming on SyFy next month?
No, food network. It’s the new turduckin.
Holy crap!
Its Florida.
Needs more meth.
Open up the alligaotr, it might be in there.
suh’ fam
whats goody
And since Im off (its my “Saturday Night”) TALL CANS™ !