Monday Afternoon Links – Sorry About Last Week

by | Aug 7, 2023 | Daily Links | 162 comments

Hey guys, sorry I missed you last week. I went on vacation and completely vacated the afternoon links last Monday. As you can see, I made the little one get out and push during a boating excursion. I ain’t raising no wimps. I’m going to do a little bit better today. Just a little bit. There will be links, the quality may be dodgy. So, fun personal story, I’m old and pasty, so the dermatologist cut on me today, and then told me not to lift more than 5 pounds for the next three weeks. He laughed and told me he didn’t get paid enough to tell my wife I couldn’t pick up a kid for 3 weeks.

I’ve heard of a woman having her man’s balls in a jar, but we live in a society where we can have the reverse happen.

I wonder if she asked to see his manager before she shot him.

Florida Man just wanted to sun his taint.

 

I need some stupid rock to get me through this Monday afternoon.

About The Author

Brett L

Brett L

Brett set out to find America, the real America, the America of strip malls and serial killers, of butthole waxing and kelp smoothies, of cocaine and maggots. He sought it in the most American part of America—Florida: swamp gas and fever dreams, where love arrives on a rickety boat and leaves when it doesn't have the money for its fourth abortion. Oh, where has Brett gone? He’s drinking at the neck of America’s wang, chewing its foreskin and working its shaft. Brett is becoming legend. Brett can never die. Brett can never die. Brett is America, facedown in his own patriotic puke: the red his blood, the white his stomach lining, and the cold, cold blue his gas station slushie, spiked with coconut rum and tetracycline.

162 Comments

  1. R.J.

    “I wonder if she asked to see his manager…”
    She really does look like Karen! What an unfortunate hair choice!

    • CPRM

      That’s not the woman in the video at the top. The video seems to be an unrelated ‘gunz’ video.

  2. Dr. Fronkensteen

    Good news everyone. Commercial Fusion is only 20 years away.

    https://news.yahoo.com/us-scientists-repeat-fusion-power-195334524.html

    FTA,

    “Such a breakthrough could one day help curb climate change if companies can scale up the technology to a commercial level in the coming decades. ”

    Shhh, Nobody tell the Greenies that fission nuclear power can do the same right now.

  3. Pope Jimbo

    I think those Florida cops need to consider the scrotality of circumstances before using force on that guy.

    • MikeS

      Your nuts!

      • The Other Kevin

        That was a ballsy comment.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Sackraligious!

      • Zwak , “There is infinite amount of hope in the universe… just not for us.”

        Giving him the shaft.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Are we sure that naked Florida Guy wasn’t Q?
      Nudists spot plenty of great tits as they strip off for sponsored bird walk

      Naked walkers went in search of great big birds in a nature stroll to remember.

      Nudists took part in the charity walk to spot great tits and other British beauties to raise funds for the British Heart Foundation.

      Nature lovers stripped off for the charity march in late July at the RSPB Rainham Marshes, a former MOD firing range now turned into a reserve for wildlife to flourish.

      • The Other Kevin

        I love how they lure you in with that stock photo at the top.

      • robc

        Did drugs fall out of their ass?

      • Tres Cool

        *ahem*

    • Bobarian LMD

      He was just trying to get the wrinkles out.

    • Aloysious

      You taint so bad, your Poorness.

      • Aloysious

        Stupid fail.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Don’t be so hard on yourself.

  4. The Late P Brooks

    I’m more in the mood for this

    • Pope Jimbo

      How about some hard core tuba solos?

      • Ownbestenemy

        Go full tuba punk

      • Ted S.

        I was thinking of this.

    • SDF-7

      I’m stuck in the mood for this.

  5. Rebel Scum

    Steven McLamb, 49, was fatally shot outside a Food Lion located at the Greystone Village Shopping Center in Raleigh last Tuesday after 5 p.m. Authorities who reviewed footage of the scene say McLamb was the aggressor in the altercation who tried to pry open the woman’s car doors before she fired at him.

    Sounds more like Wal Mart behavior.

    • Pope Jimbo

      Sounds more like he was Targeted

    • The Other Kevin

      I doubt she’ll Venture out again.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Aldis puns will really put us in the market for Swiss to swing and give us his Smart and Final narrow gaze

      • Fourscore

        That’s a Super 1.

      • Ownbestenemy

        Fantastic.

      • rhywun

        LOL!

  6. The Late P Brooks

    How about that Wisconsin supreme court shitshow?

    Faith in institutions RESTORED!

    • Pope Jimbo

      Wisconsin needs to get their judicial shit together and have some decorum

      A routine hearing last week in a Georgia court descended into a vulgar back-and-forth between the judge and an alleged murderer, who bragged about his “donkey dick” and repeatedly told the judge, “go fuck yourself” before threatening to kill the judge’s family.

      In a transcript of the Floyd County court proceedings posted online by legal blogger Keith Lee, Denver Allen, 31, of Cartersville, Georgia, appearing in court on charges he beat another prison inmate to death, explained he was representing himself because his public defender said he would only do a “good job” if Allen performed oral sex on him.

  7. The Late P Brooks

    How about some hard core tuba solos?

    That’s just what the doctor ordered, for tent caterpillars.

  8. The Late P Brooks

    the dermatologist cut on me today, and then told me not to lift more than 5 pounds for the next three weeks.

    Sunning your taint too aggressively?

    • Pope Jimbo

      5 pounds for the next three weeks comes out to a bit more than 3 ounces per day.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Florida, where the Dermatologist’s Office has stirrups.

  9. Rebel Scum

    There will be chaos and blood in the streets because of these assault knives of war.

    The state of Hawaii’s hostility towards the right to keep and bear arms isn’t just limited to guns. Since 1993 the state has also banned the possession and sale of butterfly knives; making it a misdemeanor to “knowingly.. manufacture, sell, transfer, transport, or possess” a butterfly knife, with no exceptions.

    A three-judge panel on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, however, says Hawaii’s law is a violation of the Second Amendment’s protections, and on Monday the panel threw out a lower court decision upholding the ban, remanding the case back to district court for “further proceedings consistent” with the panel’s opinion.

    This is obviously great news for knife owners and those who’d like to possess a butterfly knife without fear of criminal prosecution, but the panel’s findings also undercut, at least to some degree, one of the avenues we’ve seen used by judges around the country to uphold bans on modern sporting rifles and so-called assault weapons. When those judges are looking around for historical analogues to buttress their position, many have pointed to several 19th-century bans on the possession of Bowie knives, ruling that those regulations are close enough to bans on AR-15s and other semi-automatic firearms that they serve the “history, text, and tradition” test laid out by the Supreme Court in Bruen.

    • Gustave Lytton

      The idiotic conclusions of Alito reasoning. If the ban was in place circa the enactment, then the plain meaning of the text doesn’t apply.

  10. DEG

    “I think what’s really important here for people to understand is that provision in our law is not an invitation to vigilante justice, but it does allow when someone has a responsible fear for imminent death or bodily injury that you’re allowed to protect yourself,” Wake County District Attorney Lorrin Freeman told ABC 11.

    Huh. I thought Wake County was kinda left leaning.

    A Florida man was arrested for allegedly exposing himself near a family splash pad over the weekend in Volusia County, but not without a struggle and a high-speed chase with police officers, body camera video shows.

    He thought this was America.

    • Shirley Knott

      Saying Wake County is ‘kinda left leaning’ is like saying Hitler wasn’t entirely fond of Jews or Gypsies.

  11. Mojeaux

    Florida Man just wanted to sun his taint.

    A Florida man was arrested for allegedly exposing himself near a family splash pad

    So is this better or worse than the video of the creature with a ginormous black strapon gyrating in front of a bunch of families at a “family friendly” pride event? (No, I don’t have the link.)

    • Ownbestenemy

      If identifyAsTrans == true {
      setOutrage = 0;
      else {
      setOutrage = 11;
      }

    • R.J.

      That’s great.

  12. Aloysious

    Whatever you think about Mootley Croo, Mick Mars can Tear. It. Up.

    • Mojeaux

      Highly underrated guitar player.

      Also, I’m upset with the rest of them for screwing him over.

      • Aloysious

        Agreed. Without MM, what are they?

      • Mojeaux

        Nikki Sixx is really the business brains behind it, but MM’s writing contribution is incalculable.

        Aside: I’m also upset because MM thought he had a drug problem (opioids) when his back DOESN’T FUCKING WORK. How do you be in pain like that and dependent on painkillers just to move and think that you’re addicted? You ain’t gettin’ any better, pal.

      • MikeS

        I’ve only heard random comments about this. What’s the CliffsNotes version of their squabble? And what the hell is a John5?

      • Mojeaux

        MM retired from touring with MC. MC decided to retire him from recording, too, basically forcing him out of the band. Further, he’s wrapped up in some business interests and he’s not getting his rightful payout or whatever. So there are a couple of things going on and it’s just a big fat mess.

      • MikeS

        Good thing they signed that contract to end MC on good terms and without any drama!

        🙄

    • Mojeaux

      Silent Generation to Gen X: TURN THAT DEVIL MUSIC OFF!

      Gen X to Gen Z: TURN THAT EMO BULLSHIT OFF!

      • Aloysious

        Ugly Kid Joe with Rob Halfords singing back up.

  13. Ownbestenemy

    This is some Australia level stuff but instead in Texas.

    *bloody arm photos, not too graphic.

    • slumbrew

      Drop-bears are too tame for Texas.

      Drop-snakes.

      • Bobarian LMD

        My guess? Hawk drops snake; hawk retrieves snake.

      • MikeS

        I was thinking a flying snake got into a tiff with a hawk, but you may be right.

      • slumbrew

        My assumption as well.

        Years ago my buddy had a headless pigeon drop out of the sky at his feet. The hawk that presumably did the beheading showed up shortly thereafter.

    • MikeS

      That hawk did a hell of a number on her arm. Day-um.

      • Shpip

        That’s one talonted bird.

    • Ted S.

      I guess they got those motherfucking snakes off that motherfucking plane.

    • R.J.

      Sigh. I assume she would have been found at some point. She’s a meme now. Hope she gets to keep her job while in counseling.

    • Rebel Scum

      Hawt.

    • John Nerfherder

      I’m real, honey.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Don’t stick it in crazy is a good rule of thumb but I’d make an exception for her. Probably just had a bad day…

  14. Pope Jimbo

    Cop in George Floyd sentended to 57 months, but he took it like a man.

    Tou Thao, the last former Minneapolis police officer convicted in state court for his role in the killing of George Floyd, did not show any repentance or admit any wrongdoing as he was sentenced Monday to 4 years and 9 months.

    At his sentencing hearing, Thao said he never intended to hurt anyone that day. He spoke at length about his growth as a Christian during his 340 days behind bars but denied any responsibility for Floyd’s death. In rambling remarks full of biblical references, he drew parallels with the sufferings and false accusations endured by Job and Jesus.

    “I did not commit these crimes,” Thao said. “My conscience is clear. I will not be a Judas nor join a mob in self-preservation or betray my God.”

    • Rebel Scum

      did not show any repentance or admit any wrongdoing

      Because he committed no crime.

    • SDF-7

      Kind of ironic that CGI was originally supposed to decrease costs over practical effects (and we didn’t used to have to sit through 20 minutes of digital artist credits!)

  15. Shpip

    I ain’t raising no wimps.

    Florida Man doesn’t raise wimps. Complete knuckleheads, well… that’s a given.

    The teenager was driving a Toyota Supra, which the deputy said was “too much car” for the 16-year-old. The deputy ordered the teen to call his father.

    Just for giggles, I looked up the specs on a Supra. With the 3-liter engine, it makes 388 hp, 368 lb-ft of torque. The deputy is right.

    • Sensei

      Toyota Supra BMW Z4.

      Although to Toyota’s credit they forced BMW to fit a manual to their version.

      • Mojeaux

        I’m bemused at how Tesla got off so lightly for disabling the speed limiter the father deliberately put on the car. Did the car actually belong to the kid? Or did it belong to the parents?

        And the reason I ask is because XX’s car is actually not in her name and won’t be until she’s 21. I can’t remember why we limited her like that. Maybe insurance rate purposes? Not sure.

      • Sensei

        You just need a password. I imagine the kid just came up with some excuse to need to get in the car settings menu.

        So I doubt they specifically disabled it.

    • Ownbestenemy

      *blink* i hate you all

      • MikeS

        I liked your link better. It was Carrot Top free

    • Tres Cool

      Solid, dont even have to think about it, WOOD

  16. Ownbestenemy

    Cable debacle fixed. Ran three operational, one spare up a few floors from equipment rack to end user equipment. Lesson learned, pay attention to installers who sneak in installing data circuits through 66-blocks.

    While I cannot wait to get going at CVG, they are about 10-years behind Vegas in some equipment so everything I have done here for the past 10 years I will be redoing again at my new place.

    • slumbrew

      Eh, on the plus side, you’ll look like a hero as you fix all the low-hanging fruit that you already know how to deal with.

    • Ted S.

      At least you won’t be short of work to do.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Can confirm. Mashed potatoes suck.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        If they’re those dehydrated flakes yeah but not if they’re done right.

      • Shirley Knott

        Nah, mashed potatoes are just Irish guacamole.

      • Not Adahn

        Just?

      • Shirley Knott

        Fair enough 😉

      • Spudalicious

        You shut your dirty whore mouth.

      • Zwak , “There is infinite amount of hope in the universe… just not for us.”

        No Spud, you are a smashed potato

    • creech

      Now if it had been over pineapple on pizza……..

  17. KK, Non-Man

    Ya know, since the doctor sez you can’t wrangle children for a while, it might be fun to reprise your Blue Curacao performance

    • Mojeaux

      The People™ demand it.

      • Spudalicious

        ?Where did Brett go?

  18. SDF-7

    BTW — for any and all encouraging me to get BG3 Friday…. well, I did. And I just rolled 3 critical failures (i.e. a 1 on a d20) in a f’ing row (different events, mind you). Apparently the game hates me.

    • Aloysious

      You should borrow UCS’s video game playing gloves.

      It’ll up your game.

      Can empathize with rolling the dreaded one. I’m still in recovery years later.

    • UnCivilServant

      Your mistake was buying the game.

  19. R.J.

    It’s so hot my red jalapeños are turning purple. That makes me a purple pepper eater.

  20. rhywun

    So I neglected to turn off the weather/news widget on my new work laptop. All it serves up is stupid listicles and because I had to suffer through this ridiculous click-bait today, now you do too. Some of them will surprise you!

    • Sensei

      MSN is a master of those.

    • DEG

      First I’ve heard of it.

      Looks shitty.

    • Suthenboy

      No one wants you to be helpless to defend yourself for your own good. Ill say it again…they have plans for us and when the average gun grabber finds out what they are they wont like it very much.

    • Zwak , “There is infinite amount of hope in the universe… just not for us.”

      Didn’t various feds get slapped down for that vary thing, creating laws on the fly?

      But, maybe this will kill Zombie Chevron.

      • UnCivilServant

        *headshot*
        *Zombie Chevron goes down*
        *Ominous Music Plays*
        *Boss healthbar refils as the name changes to Revenant Chevron*

  21. John Nerfherder

    This got interesting.

    Rapper speaks out against transitioning kids.

    Rapper apparently immediately retracts and apologizes.

    Rapper makes video saying that was his publicist and doubles down on his initial statement.

    https://twitter.com/stillgray/status/1688659099180060674

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Interesting, now what’s Flavor Flav think?

      • Zwak , “There is infinite amount of hope in the universe… just not for us.”

        That somebody needs to know what time it is?

    • slumbrew

      That was pretty awesome. Apparently I’m a fan of someone named “Ne-Yo”

    • Zwak , “There is infinite amount of hope in the universe… just not for us.”

      Baller. Literally.

    • John Nerfherder

      On what fucking basis?

      Her verbal claims about something from thirty years ago and inability to even name the year?

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I think the jury in his civil case specifically declined to penalize him for the rape accusation but partisan asshole sack of shit judges will be partisan asshole sack of shit judges, especially in certain jurisdictions and NY is one of those.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      He could get taken to court in NY for saying the sky is blue and they’d find against him. Between there and DC no right winger can get a fair shake.

    • The Gunslinger

      Substantially true rape claim. Polite way of saying “just the tip”?

      • Zwak , “There is infinite amount of hope in the universe… just not for us.”

        As fortold in the prophesy.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    Hawk drops snake; hawk retrieves snake.

    And then there was that time when I was driving across South Dakota and a hawk carrying a rattlesnake flew right over my car. I was sure he was going to drop that fucking snake on my windshield.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    The teenager was driving a Toyota Supra, which the deputy said was “too much car” for the 16-year-old. The deputy ordered the teen to call his father.

    The teen was not arrested but was given a speeding citation that also required an appearance in court.

    “I did not charge him with reckless criminal,” the deputy told the teen’s parents. “If he was 18, he’d be going to jail.”

    What the fucking fuck?

    • slumbrew

      I _think_ the cop was cutting the kid a break since he was a minor? I assume “reckless criminal” gets you arrested and in the pokey. I need more context.

      • Shpip

        In Florida 30 MPH over the speed limit is a misdemeanor, and gets you a Notice to Appear in court (or an arrest if you’re sassy to the cop). 50 MPH over is a felony, and you’re going to jail for the night at the very least, as an adult anyway.

        Sounds like the deputy split the baby by releasing the juvenile to the custody of his parents, while making sure the kid has to answer to a judge.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    I _think_ the cop was cutting the kid a break since he was a minor? I assume “reckless criminal” gets you arrested and in the pokey. I need more context.

    that’s the point- if this heinous crime is such an unendurable threat to society, why didn’t he enforce the law?

    As far as I can tell, nobody was harmed. Nothing was damaged. Why should anybody go to jail, no matter how old they are? The precautionary principle can kiss my ass.

    • John Nerfherder

      That dude looks like a low level CCP bureaucrat that’s been in a basement for the past twenty years.

      • Zwak , “There is infinite amount of hope in the universe… just not for us.”

        Elvis Chan? Yep, Elvis Chan.

      • Sensei

        Thank you, thank you ver much.

    • SDF-7

      The… Space Force? What, did Gary 7 change the vote counts?

      Was it aliens?

      I mean…. that’s a very odd branch of government to have proof of election shenanigans and all…

      • blighted_non_millenial

        I’m sure like every other branch now they have some cyber component.

  25. Rebel Scum

    I can’t decide if delusional or dishonest.

    In 2016, voters went for Donald Trump, the showman, the bigot, the iconoclast, the sexist, the mean-spirited charmer quick with jab, joke or derisive nickname.

    Now, given the mile-wide lead that the former president has in the race for the 2024 GOP presidential nomination, a majority of Republican voters seem ready to embrace Trump, the authoritarian. …

    Trump supporters here and across the country are not paying attention or don’t know history — or they aren’t the true Americans they believe themselves to be.

    Trump and his campaign have been crystal clear: Should he regain the White House, he will consolidate every last bit of power he can into his own hands. The three equal branches of government will not be equal any more. The former president plans a sweeping makeover of the presidency and the constitutional foundations that actually make America great.

    Wanting to reign in the executive branch agencies is totes authoritarian.

    • Suthenboy

      I remember this shtick. Wild, unhinged rants with no name attatched.
      I should not be surprised. If you sell out your honor, assuming you had any to sell, you are a coward.

      Here we go again. Where is scream at the sky lady?

      • R.J.

        No name? Cool. Sue the whole paper.

      • The Hyperbole

        Nancy Ancrum, Amy Driscoll, Luisa Yanez, Isadora Rangel, and Lauren Costantino

      • B.P.

        All sitting around a conference table, laptops open, trying to one-up each other. “You people are soft. There’s not enough Third Reich references in this milquetoast piece.”

    • rhywun

      LOL I’ll give them – maybe – “sexist”, for certain definitions of the word, but “bigot”? “Authoritarian”? LOL, that’s weapons-grade projection.

      • B.P.

        I tripped a little over “charmer” too.

    • UnCivilServant

      They can use all the fuel they want – just turn off the damn music!

    • Suthenboy

      Crushing all hopes and dreams, creating soul crushing poverty , part and parcel of demoralization.

    • The Gunslinger

      Fox news got quite the scoop on that story.

      • The Gunslinger

        Oops, that bad pun was meant for the ice cream truck story.

  26. Common Tater

    “Yale University is being accused of misinforming students about alcohol by falsely claiming that non-binary people metabolize alcohol differently than cisgender people, according to video footage obtained by evolutionary biologist Colin Wright.

    The video, which appears to be a course on drugs and alcohol for incoming Yale students, claims that men metabolize alcohol at higher rates regardless of their weight and size compared to women. It also claims that non-binary people might metabolize this differently.”

    https://dailycaller.com/2023/08/07/reaction-yale-non-binary-people-metabolize-alcohol/

    SCIENCE!!!

    • Sean

      Translivered.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        My internal organs will bow to my delusions if I believe hard enough.