Story of My Life, Part 2

by | Oct 16, 2023 | Musings | 97 comments

Once I woke up in my own vomit after a night of heavy drinking. I’m lucky I didn’t choke in my sleep. I remember carefully washing my bedding and mosquito net the next day. It should have turned me off to drinking but didn’t.

Alas, all good things come to an end and so I returned to the US in December 2009. It was the bottom of the great recession, and the job market was tough. While I waited for a job offer, I took up stand-up comedy as a hobby. I was so good at it that 5 years later, I ended up joining the Army. Anyway, in October 2010, I got my first engineering job at specialty glass manufacturer in Chicago. It did not go so well. I got fired a year and half later and the experience was so disappointing that I decided to start my own tutoring business. I never quite broke even, so I took another engineering job about 9 months later. Even so, it was fun to be my own boss for a while.

About this time, I went to an Army recruiter to see what my options were. He tried to rope me into Officer Candidate School, but when I saw that the application required a photo, I gave up. Not sure why becoming an Army would require a photo, like an audition for a movie. When I asked about being a linguist, he told me there’s a five-year cool-off period between being in the Peace Corps and any military intelligence job.

From time to time, when I told people I was unemployed, they’d say: oh, you lost your job? And to that I would say: no, I still know where it is; they told me not to come back. My first engineering job was dull, and I spent many hours discreetly reading Wikipedia to pass the time. My second engineering job was in a bubble wrap factory, which was about as exciting as it sounds. And yes, one of the quality tests involves make sure the bubbles pop properly, though it is done with a special machine rather than by hand.

It was at this job that I had one of my famous run-ins with a tall but clueless boss. See, Illinois gets very humid in the spring and there was a frequent problem of water condensing in the silos that stored the plastic pellets. The tall, clueless boss suggested a blower to dry out the silo. I tried in vain to explain the concept of dew points and that a heater would work better. I could tell he did not like it when I asked him if he could keep a cup of coffee from freezing by blowing on it (hint for the physics-challenged: you can’t).

I only lasted 3 months at that job and my first day there was April Fools’ Day. I can’t prove the universe has a sense of humor; however, the circumstantial evidence is plentiful.

My nemesis in Chicago was a guy I met doing comedy. He ran one of the better open mics and I thought well of him at first. That changed when I made the mistake of debating politics with him on Facebook, and he resorted to various insults when he had no counterargument. So using his Facebook profile, I was able to track down his address and I knocked on his door unannounced. He wasn’t home, but he freaked out and never insulted me again. It was amusing to see the sudden flip from tough guy to coward so quickly. I should add that I later found out he was registered sex offender in Illinois because he went on a 3-year groping spree in his 20s. People who live glass houses should not throw stones.

Although I applied to the Chicago police and was invited to sit for the exam, I decided to take an engineering job at a plastic bag factory in Texas. It turned out about the same as my first engineering job, though it was great that I could walk to work. It was so boring that I drank a six-pack most days after work. My weight went up to 207 pounds vs the 150 I weighed in college and the 130 I weighed when I got back from Tanzania.

The biggest problem though, was my boss- my tall, clueless boss. Once, I ordered a part which was delayed by my company’s refusal to follow the supplier’s rules. I went to my boss for help. He then spent an hour giving me a lecture that began with him bragging about his high IQ and ended with him threatening that the world would chew me up and spit me out. I have no patience for people who demean me, so I responded by refusing to sit with him at the conference table at meetings. He didn’t like that and complained, which I found pathetic and amusing. When he gave me a sample of his own writing as being an example of good business writing, I replied with a list of the dumbest things he had written.

I didn’t think it was possible for a college-educated native speaker of English to write so poorly until I met that man. The phrase of his I remember best is ‘human-operated manual process’. I replied that all the manual processes in the factory are human-operated, unless we have trained monkeys. The last straw came when he asked me to write an essay about what I thought he wanted. I am neither a mind reader nor in elementary school, so I refused. When I was fired, I was given a nastygram which he clearly wrote but was too cowardly to put his name on. I was proud of the reply I wrote which was covertly delivered by a work buddy. It read:

***
Dear Fred,

I missed you in HR today. I figured you would want to savor the moment when the ax fell. You coward. I see also you couldn’t resist the urge to cram in a few more lies into my “get lost” letter. I’m sure you rubbed your oily hands together and cackled with glee. Since you were too chicken to face me, here are some parting words:
Remember that long chat last year? It was the one that began with you bragging about your high IQ and ended with you threatening that the world would chew me up and spit me out. I thought about walking off the job then, but I thought I could impress you with results. So much for that. I guess I just don’t have the Right Stuff for the heart-pounding, high-stakes world of plastic bags. People like you are the reason Dilbert cartoons exist. You’re a buzzword-spouting stuffed shirt with as much depth as a sheet of paper. There are engineers there with patents and PhDs. You really think you’re more impressive than them?

If you’re lucky, you have another 50 years left. I suggest using that time to learn how not to be a royal prick.
Peace & Love
***

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

97 Comments

  1. Brochettaward

    It’s getting First in here…

    So…

  2. DrOtto

    That read like a great bosses day post.

  3. Derpetologist

    I ate pineapple on pizza today.

    The Jellyfish Song
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whE8j67nFcc

    ***
    Why can’t we be like the jellyfish…tremendous creatures that don’t give a shit!
    ***

    • Ted S.

      Q: If a woman was born on October 16, 1973, how old is she today?
      A: 29 and holding.

      • Chafed

        Lol

  4. Shpip

    I never could figure out guys like this. For one reason or another (typically meddling middle management meatheads), my half-life at a company is around eight years, give or take.

    I finally struck out on my own. Probably should have done that fifteen years before I did.

    • kinnath

      Next month is 31 years a MegaCorp

      • rhywun

        About 25 years here, give or take a takeover and layoff or two.

        I like stability. So sue me.

      • Gustave Lytton

        28 years. Both my job and the name on the office have changed multiple times.

        The phone company is another world. 40+ years isn’t uncommon, and a number of 50+ year people. Kids start in their twenties and normal retirement age gives them long tenure. Used to start even younger, with 15 or 16 year olds in high school working part time.

        Love the DataKit photo. Looks about late 80’s/early 90’s.

      • rhywun

        I only skimmed but the cheerful IDGAF attitude is kind of refreshing.

    • Derpetologist

      After 16 jobs in 22 years, I have decided I don’t want another one, and since I don’t need the money, I’ve turned to writing. Hopefully I will get an income from it eventually. If not, I will get another teaching job.

      • PudPaisley

        Two years out of college, I was already fed up working for other people. So at 25 I started my own business doing lawn care and landscaping.

        Now I have about 100 bosses, but I can get rid of them if I don’t like working for them.

        Sidenote: It’s great to see you back. I really enjoy reading your articles and your posts in the comment section.

    • R.J.

      Holy crap. So fake.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        My fav is still the one where the cops had all those guys from whatever group that was kneeling with their fingers interlaced and they didn’t take their balaclavas off. Nothing suspicious there.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Massachusetts is a hotbed of right wing racialist radicalism? Who knew?
      Also, you’re right, it smells mighty fishy.

  5. Don escaped Texas

    A couple of things about resin silos and pneumatic conveying: most of the systems are designed to vent at the discharge end (at the mixer or molder); that means the silo must be vented, so when you run the blower, you’re pulling ambient into the silo with its humidity load. If you have the right kind of pass-through discharge valve, you can use a closed loop so that at least you’re not pulling ambient in, so the moisture load on whatever treatment system you have is minimized, but that doesn’t necessarily fix things.

    Of course you’re not wrong about dew-point, but avoiding condensation isn’t the whole ballgame. Hygroscopic resins can get really messed up due to exposure/osmosis, so, while heating up the air reduces the relative humidity, it doesn’t do anything to the absolute humidity, so it’s often not enough. So then you’re usually stuck with some sort of dessicant.

    • Derpetologist

      I stand corrected, though I doubt it would have helped to have used your explanation with him. The reason why is that after he returned from vacation, his face and head were beet red except for where he had clearly been wearing sunglasses. He let the sun beat down on him for hours until he got burnt and was wearing sunglasses the whole time.

      • Don escaped Texas

        I’ve built some really big systems. Nice thing about high pressure systems is they take less volume, but the velocities can lead to wear, which is manageable so long as trace contamination doesn’t matter. I like vacuum, but then you need volume to make up for the lack of pressure in the power equation. Up north they will pay to close the loop because otherwise your displace or pump out the warm air in a heated building, but that requires abort gates and filtration so if the system catches fire you don’t deep fry everyone downstream.

        Down south, lots of plants aren’t air-conditioned or are barely heated at all, so they’re not paying for closed loop. On old or cheap buildings, that’s okay; on tighter buildings you’ve got to vent or you can pressurize the place one way or the other: doors you can’t open, or doors that fly open.

        One economist understands: https://inspirevirtue.com/thomas-sowell-speaks-the-truth-there-are-no-solutions-only-trade-offs/.

  6. hayeksplosives

    You’ve had an interesting life journey, derp.

    Mine started as color within the lines, follow the rules, etc. There were a few rebellious actions (not against the parents, but against stupid teachers and the like), but I was pretty tame.

    I probably would have stayed in the South tower when the North tower was hit, as the loudspeaker instructed.

    No mas. Seeing what happened to the South tower was a final “The authorities are no more qualified than I am” moment for me. Waco, Elian Gonzalez, Ruby Ridge—I was ripe to be turned into a libertarian.

    I’ve been knocked down a couple of times by life but I feel pretty lucky.

    Looking forward to your next installment, Derpy.

    • Derpetologist

      The meandering and mistakes are what have made my life enjoyable. I find that’s a pleasant perspective on it.

      I’ve experienced a lot, but I’ve never survived a massive terrorist attack. You got me beat there.

      • hayeksplosives

        Oh, I was unclear. I wasn’t at the WTC on September 11–that’s an example of what I would have done when I still thought that the Government Wouldn’t Let Anything Bad Happen to Me.

        The Oklahoma City Bombing on the other hand, that was much closer to home—again, I wasn’t in the building but I was nearby. Nobody could understand what we’d just heard and felt. In the end, all I had to do was donate blood for that one. There were so many injuries that they needed lots of blood, but ended up turning away everyone but type O that day.

        It still took weeks to build up the blood reserves back to baseline so I got the regular phone calls for months afterwards.

        One of the things that struck me about 9/11 was that they discouraged people from blood donations, because unlike OKC, there were t that many who were seriously wounded. You either walked/ran away or were pulverized.

    • Don escaped Texas

      Mine started as

      I behaved impeccably until I got my son’s tuition banked

    • rhywun

      I probably would have stayed in the South tower when the North tower was hit, as the loudspeaker instructed.

      I’d been to Windows on the World (106th floor) several times and felt some disquiet each time.

      I worked on the 30th floor in a nearby building for a few years – in the mid-aughts my company moved up from the 14th floor – and got the wiggins there too.

      I WFH on the fourth floor now – that’s high enough for me.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      The Jordanians don’t want to take them and neither do the Egyptians. Legalized bribes…err, foreign aid…incoming.

    • rhywun

      Another round of meaningless pablum. I’ve seen this same shit my whole life – what’s Joe’s excuse?

      • hayeksplosives

        Joe goes where his handlers tell him.

  7. Evan from Evansville

    It would be fascinating if we met.

    Similar exploratory, adventurous personalities, expressed in different alleys. Our rabbit holes are neighbors in spirit.

    • Derpetologist

      If you’re ever near Gainesville, let me know. You’d like the Kanapaha gardens.

    • Sensei

      What’s gofundme’s policy on supporting terrorism?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Are they right wing terrroists?

      • Chafed

        Lol. They are so bad it’s probably in their TOS.

    • Don escaped Texas

      the country has not gone to hell yet, but the amount of bullshit behavior that useful people must subsidize continues to spiral upward

      there is some ratio when the hull will taken on more water than can be pumped out, when the keel slides under never to be seen again

    • rhywun

      I’m cautiously optimistic that the recent attention being paid to the joint Pali/commie protests at every American college might give pause to some Americans.

      Oh who the hell am I kidding.

      • Don escaped Texas

        the same people who watch Europe shit itself over and over and still think “we should try force that stupid shit on our neighbors here”

      • prolefeed

        You’d think a sizeable contingent of Jewish-American voters are getting a rude wake up, about continuing to vote for people who are making it abundantly clear they support people who hate Jews.

      • Chafed

        I think what’s happened is actually getting through. There are quite a few disaffected Jews who are now politically homeless.

      • rhywun

        donors push university to express support for Israel

        Well, that is their business and who knows, maybe it would leech down to the instructors who are the ones responsible for turning their students’ brains to mush.

  8. Derpetologist

    ***
    Snopes
    What Does the Word ‘Jihad’ Actually Mean?
    ***

    Oh, lordy.

    ***
    Clark Lombardi, director of Islamic Legal Studies at the University of Washington School of Law, points out that Arabic words are formed out of roots composed of three letters and that “to understand the nuances tucked into the meaning of a word, you need to look not only at the way that one word was used in the Quran, but also at the way in which all its related words are used,” he wrote in an email. The word “jihad” originates from the root j-h-d, with words like “ijtihad” and “mujahid” sharing the same origins.

    He also clarified that because of the “epic” amount of scholarship interpreting the teachings that were transmitted to the Prophet Muhammad, when it comes to words like “jihad,” Muslim scholars over the centuries have disagreed with each other.

    “The only two groups who claim ‘jihad = Terrorism’ are Islamic State terrorists and Islamophobes with an agenda,” wrote Qasim Rashid, an author, activist, and lawyer, in The Washington Post in 2017, following backlash to the use of the word by Muslim activist Linda Sarsour in a lecture. “Both are ignorant of Islam and serve only one another.”
    ***

    Well, there’s also that group called Palestinian Islamic Jihad.

    ***
    Islamic Jihad also operates dozens of summer camps for children. They have opened up 51 summer camps which attracted approximately 10,000 children in 2010.

    We teach the children the truth. How the Jews persecuted the prophets and tortured them. We stress that the Jews killed and slaughtered Arabs and Palestinians every chance they got. Most important, the children understand that the conflict with the Jews is not over land, but rather over religion. As long as Jews remain here, between the [Jordan] river and the sea, they will be our enemy and we will continue to pursue and kill them. When they leave we won’t hurt them.[59]
    ***

    Lombardi and Rashid know this, but they lie anyway. It’s pathetic.

    • rhywun

      I remember doing day camp a couple summers and it was a little less brainwashy than that. More crafts and less Jew hating.

    • hayeksplosives

      I’ve been reading and listening to lots of references to jihad over the past week, out of the mouths of Muslims of many stripes.

      They aren’t talking about a spiritual struggle.

      50% of Gazans are under 16 years old. They’ve been steeped in this poison their whole lives, that Jihad against Israel and ALL Jews is the noblest thing they can achieve.

    • The Bearded Hobbit

      I was an online friend of Snopes back in the 90’s on USENET, even moreso with his ex-wife Barbara. Sad to see his mental collapse.

      • Chafed

        Didn’t he sell the site some years ago?

  9. UnCivilServant

    You know, at this point, I shouldn’t be surprised.

    Introduced by M. of A. RAJKUMAR — read once and referred to the Committee on Codes

    AN ACT to amend the general business law, in relation to criminal history background checks for the purchase of three-dimensional printers capable of creating firearms

    Look, the state is too fucking stupid to know what 3D printers are suited for. They’re even worse at running background checks. Just piss off and die already.

    • Sensei

      Yeah, I saw that at the end of the dead thread.

      Coming soon to NJ.

      • UnCivilServant

        I wasn’t here then, and getting caught up on a lynx thread is a lot of work.

    • prolefeed

      At this point it is one legislator’s proposal, not necessarily indicative of what could be passed.

      The sheer volume of stupidity and bad ideas I read as a legislative aide turned me into a full on libertarian. Thankfully, most of these bad ideas don’t get enacted into law.

      • UnCivilServant

        I get that, but the track record of stupid shit that should never have been passed that became New York law does not encourage me.

  10. Derpetologist

    Why Five Words Destroyed Tanzania
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZdECc209_s

    Short answer: their initial constitution contained the phrase “prevent the accumulation of wealth”. The first president was big on Marxism.

    Well, it worked. Millions of people were quickly plunged into dire poverty.

    • rhywun

      “prevent the accumulation of wealth”

      “With one exception thx for your ‘vote’ lol”

    • Chafed

      Have they learned from this?

      • Derpetologist

        Short answer, sort of. The same political party has been in power there since 1962.

  11. Timeloose

    Derpy,

    That was a interesting rant about your employment history. I used to take more risks in my career. Somewhere over the past 10 years I have become too conservative. Mostly this has been due to not wanting to risk my career, income, lifestyle, etc. In other words I became stagnant.

    I realize that I’m in a position where I can take more risks than at anytime in the past 20 years. I have a home, health insurance, and stability in my marriage. These won’t change if I get canned for rocking the boat at my current position or if I go find a new job.

    I need to embrace my IDGAF. I need to take more risks, question questionable leadership decisions, ensure we do the right thing, and take care of my team and customers. If this results in getting canned, then it’s a wake up call that I’m not at the right place.

    • Derpetologist

      Had I not stood up to my jerk boss at the plastic bag factory, I wouldn’t have joined the Army and reached my goal of becoming a military linguist. So it was a blessing in disguise.

  12. Timeloose

    OT,

    WTF is up with the most recent windows update?

    I’ve had it stuck at 9%, go to 100%, restart, then update again about 5 time now. Finally it appears to be finishing and “cleaning up”.

    • Chafed

      FWIW, it didn’t do anything weird on my computers.

      • Timeloose

        I finally had it complete.

  13. Fourscore

    Interesting article, Derp

    My mother told me not to work for anyone dumber than me. There were a few times in the army when I thought I was smarter than my boss, fortunately transfers kept those times to a minimum, plus promotions allowed me to change jobs on occasion.

    • Lackadaisical

      I think this is my problem at my current job. I was literally teaching the ‘senior engineer’ who is 30 years older than, with a PhD how to do his job… I am getting transferred to another group (still feeling the same stuff) but maybe I should jump ship. It’s a silly place.

      • Suthenboy

        I was under the impression that, sans law and medicine, a PhD made one unemployable at any institution outside of academia.

  14. Lackadaisical

    Interesting read derp!

    Thanks for sharing.

  15. Beau Knott

    Good morning all!
    Today we have a couple of pieces from The James Gang.

    The Bomber.

    Ashes, the Rain, and I

    Share and enjoy!

    • Beau Knott

      Let’s try that first one again…

      The Bomber.

    • UnCivilServant

      I hate it when that happens

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean, U, and Beau!

      I missed my alarm. 😒

      Maybe a bit off with your grip or your sight picture?

      • UnCivilServant

        Nah, he had to duck the return fire.

      • Gender Traitor

        😄

  16. Stinky Wizzleteats

    From 2018 but here you go:
    “Israel Makes the Hormones I Need, But I Support Palestinian Liberation”
    https://www.them.us/story/israel-hormones-and-transitioning

    Goodness gracious, what a conundrum. I’m more sympathetic than most here to the Palestinians but I’m also well aware how they’d deal with the Israeli performance artist that wrote this dreck.

    • Gender Traitor

      Oh, for crying out loud. I had to nope out of that pretty quick.

    • rhywun

      I’m less invested in the Palestine/Israel thing than in the fact that International Leftdom uses it to advance their particular brands of evil.

  17. robodruid

    Good Morning:
    Wife has first hearing on Felony Indecent Exposure when she was not indecent or exposed tomorrow.
    Its been 8 weeks.
    No discovery.

    Its been shall we say stressfull?

    Why would the commander in chief go to a war zone? Seems like a plan to get rid of him.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, ‘bodru! I hope Mrs. ‘bodru has a good pit bull of an attorney.

      • robodruid

        We think we have a good attorney. Most of the case’s out of this court are of violence and drugs.
        “And now for something completely different”

      • Gender Traitor

        As it happens, I just finished tearing through a romcom mystery/thriller trilogy in which much of the intrigue centered around…a new housing development in a small town.

        Your wife might enjoy these books. You might, too.

      • Fourscore

        “a new housing development in a small town”

        Here that would mean a mobile home or a camper with a flat tire.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      The risk exists but it’s minimal and he gets to shore up Jewish support going into an election. I’d imagine he’ll only go to the most secure areas of either Jerusalem or Tel Aviv, not anywhere that’s really dangerous.

    • Ghostpatzer

      Mornin’.

      Good luck with that hearing. That is some nerve-wracking shit.

      Why would the commander in chief go to a war zone?

      It’s the Presidential thing to do, and will play well during the campaign, as long as he doesn’t trip getting off the plane or let one rip during a meeting. Or maybe a “Hamas” rocket will take him put, who knows?

      • Gender Traitor

        Or he orders a ham and cheese sandwich in a Tel Aviv deli.

      • Fourscore

        Oh, I choked on my coffee, too early GT.

  18. Ghostpatzer

    Mornin’, reprobates!

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, ‘patzie! Enjoying the stentless life?

      • Ghostpatzer

        Mornin’. Livin’ the dream, we are.

        Anniversary dinner with Mrs. Patzer tonight, after her annual oncology visit and my annual visit to the retina specialist. And getting new tires for the youngest Patzer. I might get some work done at some point.

      • Fourscore

        I do so little every day but yet I’m tired by bedtime. Thinking must be wearing me out. I must say that shaking my head while reading/watching the news is fatiguing.

        Enjoy the evening, Patzer.

      • Ghostpatzer

        Thanks. I thought you were avoiding the news (as if that’s possible). Current events would have been exhausting to Onescore me.

  19. rhywun

    This is the first I’m hearing that Rite Aid is going bankrupt because of opioids.

    Yes, someone is finally paying a price for helping to fuel the opioid crisis.

    Eat a bag of dicks.

    We’ll see if the brand, which employs 45,000 people, can weather the storm and come out on the other side.

    No, it won’t. Because if this is accurate, all of their competitors will be pushed out of business too. But at least no one will be able to get high, right?

    • Ghostpatzer

      The cartels will still be in business.

      • rhywun

        Yay!