Joemala: Episode 204

by | Nov 1, 2023 | Joemala | 124 comments

 

“I-I-I worry about the robots,” Joe said.

“Robots?” Finnegan asked, wiping off his chin. “There aren’t any robots.”

“Like in the movie,” Joe whispered.

“That wasn’t a robot, Daddy,” Hunter said, his keen junkie ears catching their conversation. “It was an AI.”

“Al?” Joe asked. “Who’s Al, some friend of-of-of, you know, from the thing?”

“The letter A and the letter I, it means Artificial Intelligence,” Finnegan said. She saw Joe was beginning to sweat. She was worried one of his fits was coming on.

“Machine sentience, Dad,” Hunter said, idly thumbing through a copy of Oui magazine from 1978.

“In a, the movie it w-w-was a bad ALF,” Joe said in a rush. “The bad elf tried to take over the world and the kid from that movie where-where-where he’s like in his boy-panties stop it.”

“What?” Hunter asked. Finnegan shrugged.

“The movable with the glass egg and the hooker!” Joe said, shaking all over.

“Grandpa, please calm down,” Finnegan said, backing away.

Pretty Woman?” Hunter asked.

Joe was red-faced and sputtering, “That orgy movie!”

“Oh, Tom Cruise,” Hunter said.

“Tom Cruise,” Joe crooned, “Tom Cruise,” as his aphasia faded.

“They let him watch the new Mission Impossible movie on the plane?” Finnegan asked.

“Yeah, whatever, no machine could replace me,” Hunter said, falling wearily to the couch.

“Artificial Intelligence doesn’t exist, Grandpa,” Finnegan said. “They are just Learning Language Models. It’s like high-tech Ad-Libs.”

“All my friends are scared of it,” Hunter said. “The machines are going to take their jobs and they are going to be broke.”

“I had a dream once,” Joe moaned, gone pale. “A field of human skulls and-and-and this metal foot crushes them.”

“That’s Terminator, another movie, Daddy,” Hunter said in slow loud letters.

“It was real, I tell you. I grew up as a little Black Jew robot, I know what I’m talking about.”

Ter-min-a-tor,” Hunter droned.

Joe suddenly smiled, “It starred Arnold Schw–”

“Don’t say it, Finnegan said sharply.

“Arnold Sch–”

“No, Daddy, really, don’t.”

“Arnold–”

“Not even his first name,” Finnegan said. “Be best to not even think it.”

“Arnold Schwarzenegger!” Joe finally spat.

“Oh, God, so close,” Finnegan said, clutching at her chest.

So close,” Hunter agreed. “He really had me worried there.”

“Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arnold Schwarzenegger!” Joe said happily.

There was a bright flash of light and a flabby old naked man appeared in the Oval Office.

“DID SOMEONE SAY MY NAME THREE TIMES?!?” he asked in a thick Austrian accent.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

124 Comments

  1. Rat on a train

    Austrian isn’t a language?

  2. Sean

    I grew up as a little Black Jew robot,

    LOL

      • Not Adahn

        Mine was

        “That’s Terminator, another movie, Daddy,” Hunter said in slow loud letters.

      • kinnath

        Mine too

      • R C Dean

        Concur.

      • R.J.

        The “Ahnold” twist at the end was the best. So good. So needed.

  3. Rat on a train

    Maybe Arnie and Cenk can run on a combined ticket.

    • The Other Kevin

      That Cenk guy is trying to make is so he can legally run for president. I hope he succeeds, and then Elon Musk runs and wins.

  4. The Late P Brooks

    “Machine sentience, Dad,” Hunter said, idly thumbing through a copy of Oui magazine from 1978.

    Ooh la la!

  5. Ghostpatzer

    I grew up as a little Black Jew robot

    POTUS is a Black Hebrew Israelite?

    • Rat on a train

      but as a robot, but without D-cups full of justice

    • Rat on a train

      “Warning: Persons denying the existence of robots may be robots themselves.”

    • Grummun
    • Ghostpatzer

      Sam Watterson has been replaced by Delhi Dave, who calls me three times a day on my land line. He tells me that Medicare now includes AI insurance, I’d sign up, but then he’d stop calling and I like having someone to talk to.

  6. kinnath

    I remember Oui. I may have purchased a copy or two back in the 70s.

    • Old Man With Candy

      Was it Italian?

      • kinnath

        No.

        It was one of many Playboy competitors that did not survive for long.

    • Timeloose

      Had a few of those hidden in the woods as a kid. A more smutty version of Penthouse but not quite Hustler. Kid currency,

  7. juris imprudent

    his keen junkie ears

    It truly is those little touches that make this so magical.

  8. Not Adahn

    There was a bright flash of light and a flabby old naked man appeared in the Oval Office.

    Other than the flash of light, how is this different than any other day?

  9. mikey

    Wondrous!

  10. Ownbestenemy

    “Robots?” Finnegan asked, wiping off his chin. “There aren’t any robots.”

    His? Well I need to rethink my sexuality since I was masterbating to this character.

    • Suthenboy

      The name should have been a clue. Well, it used to be anyway. These days, who knows?

      • Lackadaisical

        All boy names are now also girl names. It’s sad, as of boys didn’t already have few enough names.

    • Lackadaisical

      I think Finnegan is wiping POTUS’s chin.

  11. The Late P Brooks

    They’re going to replace Kamala with Arnold?

    • Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

      OH YEAH!!!!

  12. The Late P Brooks

    His? Well I need to rethink my sexuality since I was masterbating to this character.

    His (Biden’s) chin. I think.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I’m paid to fix million dollar radars and not to comprehend story telling!

      • UnCivilServant

        So, you can’t touch the half million dollar and two million dollar radars?

      • Rat on a train

        It’s a niche job.

      • R C Dean

        Unions, amirite?

    • Sensei

      Maybe in your feed, but not mine.

      • kinnath

        Still 3rd from the top.

        I’m just surprised to see it at all.

      • Sensei

        It did finally show up.

    • kinnath

      On August 8, 2017, Northern International Capital, a Chinese company affiliated with CEFC, sent $5 million to Hudson West III, a joint venture established by Hunter Biden and CEFC associate Gongwen Dong. That same day, Hudson West III sent $400,000 to Owasco, P.C., an entity owned and controlled by Hunter Biden. On August 14, 2017, Hunter Biden wired $150,000 to Lion Hall Group, a company owned by President Biden’s brother James and sister-in-law Sara Biden. On August 28, 2017, Sara Biden withdrew $50,000 in cash from Lion Hall Group. Later the same day, she deposited it into her and James Biden’s personal checking account. On September 3, 2017, Sara Biden cut a check to Joe Biden for $40,000 for a “loan repayment.”

      Nothing to see here. Move along.

      • kinnath

        And now it’s gone.

      • Lackadaisical

        400k->40k

        The math checks out. 10% for the big guy.

    • Suthenboy

      Stop saying that! There is no evidence! None!

    • Urthona

      I don’t understand how they defend this one. This’ll be fun.

      • The Other Kevin

        I was convinced they were guilty way back when they found those 30 or so shell companies that did nothing but transfer money to each other. I have yet to see anyone explain how that is a legitimate business practice and not money laundering.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Yeah, it’s so obvious. Anybody else doing that would have the feds crawling up their asses with forensic audits.

      • The Last American Hero

        They don’t need to. Do you live under a rock? They mumble something about ultra Maga terrorists, deny the rank partisans in the Republican Party then say the words old news.

    • Toxteth O'Grady

      With Calgon?

      • Gender Traitor

        😄

  13. The Late P Brooks

    They made fun of Reagan for mixing up real life with movie scripts.

  14. Zwak says the real is not governable, but self-governing.

    Why am I now thinking of Kool Aid?

    OH YEAH!

  15. PieInTheSky

    flabby old naked man – how many of us will look better at his age. this is ageist.

      • SDF-7

        Ha! Suck it, aging! I never looked good naked!

      • R.J.

        I see a flabby naked old man every morning.

      • Fourscore

        Lookin’ through my windows, eh?

  16. The Late P Brooks

    Biden money laundering- There is a long article at CNN “debunking” this crazy money laundering charge. Of course it was a loan between two brothers. What on earth else would it be? I won’t bother linking, it’s at google news.

    A particularly fascinating thing (to me) is the way the author seamlessly uses “Biden” and “Democrats” interchangeably.

    • SDF-7

      Because the politician on a “public servant salary” always has a lot of money to throw to the family members working on multi-million dollar boards and billion dollar investment funds.

      The other one has bells on.

      • Raven Nation

        I played https://squaredle.com 11/01:
        *39/39 words (+4 bonus words)
        🎯 In the top 7% by accuracy
        🔥 Solve streak: 12

        I played https://squaredle.com/xp 11/01:
        *19/19 words (+1 bonus word)
        🎯 Perfect accuracy

    • R.J.

      Well, she was the main reason I watched. So semi-thicc?

      • Lackadaisical

        Basically regular, but still would.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    From the article

    Last week, CNN sent an explanation of the evidence outlined in this article to an aide for the Republican majority on Comer’s committee. The aide responded by making a detailed argument that it remains unclear that Joe Biden was the one who sent the $200,000 to James Biden in January 2018.

    WTF? CNN is offering legal arguments pro bono? That seems above and beyond the call of duty.

    • kinnath

      How did joe have hundreds of thousands of dollars to lend to his brother and sister-in-law to start with?

      • hayeksplosives

        We know the Public Servants (TM) in the House and Senate get rich, but yeah, good question.

        What does that initial bribe/reward/influence purchase look like? A campaign contribution? A “loan”? It starts somewhere. Maybe a lucky investment, so that it seems to appear spontaneously in the officeholder’s accounts.

        Remember when there was a whiff of scandal that the Clintons had effectively rented out the Lincoln bedroom for a Chinese campaign contribution? Innocent times back then,

    • Suthenboy

      There is NO EVIDENCE.

  18. Timeloose

    “In a, the movie it w-w-was a bad ALF,” Joe said in a rush. “The bad elf tried to take over the world and the kid from that movie where-where-where he’s like in his boy-panties stop it.””

    Elliot and ET ?

    • Nephilium

      Signs.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    There is no evidence! None!

    Where is the security footage of Joe Biden climbing out of a second floor window and shinning down the drainpipe in full Hamburglar regalia with a big sack labelled “SWAg’ over his shoulder?

    • B.P.

      I’m somehow on a text chain with some friends who had their brains broken by the election of Trump and now gobble up whatever lefty news outlets feed them. Their refrain has been, “Oh, like families of Republicans don’t make big money off of influence peddling schemes!” It’s okay when we do it.

  20. The Late P Brooks

    How did joe have hundreds of thousands of dollars to lend to his brother and sister-in-law to start with?

    Clean livin’ pays off.

    • kinnath

      US median income in 2022 was $74K. US Senator’s salary in 2022 was $174K.

      Apparently, that is enough difference to have hundreds of thousands of dollars sitting around in your checking account to lend to your wayward family members.

      It is also apparently, that I am doing things all wrong.

  21. The Late P Brooks

    Loony birds

    Get ready to say goodbye to a lot of familiar bird names, like Anna’s Hummingbird, Gambel’s Quail, Lewis’s Woodpecker, Bewick’s Wren, Bullock’s Oriole, and more.

    That’s because the American Ornithological Society has vowed to change the English names of all bird species currently named after people, along with any other bird names deemed offensive or exclusionary.

    “Names have power and power can be for the good or it can be for the bad,” says Colleen Handel, the society’s president and a research wildlife biologist with the U.S. Geological Survey in Alaska. “We want these names to be powerful in a really good way.”

    The move comes as part of a broader effort to diversify birding and make it more welcoming to people of all races and backgrounds.

    “We’ve come to understand that there are certain names that have offensive or derogatory connotations that cause pain to people, and that it is important to change those, to remove those as barriers to their participation in the world of birds,” she says.

    Yup.

    • R.J.

      Oh, fuck off.
      I am keeping my old Audubon guides then.

    • Urthona

      Not clear to me how you can centrally plan a species name change anyway.

      Experts use scientific names, because so many local common names developed organically and uniquely.

    • Gustave Lytton

      It’s only going to end when the morons start paying a personal price for their idiocy.

    • Rat on a train

      Unless they are making “hate bird” official I don’t want to hear their changes.

    • Beau Knott

      But what about the Tits? And the Boobies? The Loons?

    • juris imprudent

      Names have power

      Fucking totem worship.

      • Rat on a train

        Where are The Knights of Standards and Practices?

    • B.P.

      “One notable exception came in 2000, however, when the society renamed a bird that’s now called the Long-tailed Duck because of concerns that its previous name was derogatory to Native Americans.”

      Not mentioned: What the offensive name was. I guess we wouldn’t be able to handle it.

      “”That was the first that I’d ever really recognized or heard of a name that was offensive,” says Handel, who says at that point in time, concerns about injustice wasn’t a traditionally accepted reason for changing bird names.

      That really started to change in 2020, when police officers killed George Floyd in Minneapolis. On that same day, a white woman in Central Park called the police on black birder Christian Cooper, claiming he was threatening her.”

      The birding community was shaken to its core and had to do something, I guess. Just come out and say it: The English language is offensive.

      • Rat on a train

        What the offensive name was. I guess we wouldn’t be able to handle it.
        oldsquaw

      • Lackadaisical

        I may not be remembering that incident well, but weren’t they both assholes?

      • Fourscore

        I find black birds to be offensive, both in name and by their nature of hanging out in gangs.

        Loon is offensive to a mentally challenged huma bean

      • slumbrew

        On that same day, a white woman in Central Park called the police on black birder Christian Cooper, claiming he was threatening her.

        *Narrator* he was, in fact, threatening her.

    • Sean

      Marquesha’s red headed sparrow

    • Lackadaisical

      Holy shit. So it’s offensive to name things after the people who first described them scientifically?

      • Pine_Tree

        No it’s not. Yes, these people have convinced themselves otherwise. They are lunatics and idiots and should be treated as such.

  22. DEG

    They are just Learning Language Models. It’s like high-tech Ad-Libs

    Best description of ChatGPT.

    • kinnath

      I will be using this from no on.

    • Grummun

      I call AI “fancy pattern matching”.

  23. Old Man With Candy

    I’ve been waiting for Cracky’s return. I am disappointed, but nude photos of Finnegan can help ease my pain.

    • Certified Public Asshat

      Cracky didn’t deserve what happened to him in his last appearance.

    • kinnath

      It’s a good sign.

    • The Other Kevin

      Love the secret service kids. Nice touch.

    • Sean

      HAHA!

    • Fatty Bolger

      They need another dressed as Hunter to hold the bag.

      • Beau Knott

        Hunter is never left holding the bag.

    • PieInTheSky

      nice

    • Ownbestenemy

      Oh…not the Bee.

    • Sean

      No one let him watch Knight Rider.

    • R.J.

      SF is the best.

    • Nephilium

      /thinks back to the South Park episode when Mrs. Garrison became a thing

    • The Other Kevin

      They can cope with periods the way that men do: Find some work to do in the garage.

    • kinnath

      Hysterectomy. It’s the only way to be sure.

  24. Sensei

    “You can show up, but if you show up and say, ‘aren’t you doing great?’ … whether they’re the president or the secretary of Agriculture, you will be seen as completely and utterly out-of-touch and that is when people go and look elsewhere to vote for someone,” said Ryan, who lost his challenge to Sen. J.D. Vance (R-Ohio)…

    That concern is born out in public polling, where even as top-line numbers for the economy show it humming along, voters aren’t yet giving Biden credit for it.

    Pay no attention to what you paid for fertilizer or at the gas pump or at the grocery store.

    https://www.politico.com/news/2023/11/01/biden-rural-voters-tour-00124676

    • kinnath

      Food, clothing, housing, utilities, gasoline, vehicles . . . Pretty much 90% of the expenses of the working classes . . . these are out of control.

      This should spell doom for the donkeys.

      • Nephilium

        Yet I’ve been seeing the headlines talking about how the economy is doing great, it’s just that the administration isn’t messaging it correctly.

        /thinks back to grocery prices from oh… 4 years ago.

      • kinnath

        The administration is lying through their teeth

  25. The Late P Brooks

    President Joe Biden will visit Minnesota farm country Wednesday — officially to promote his administration’s work to support farmers in the fight against climate change and help rural areas connect to broadband.

    Support farmers in the fight against climate change? How, exactly? Will he give them gift certificates for battery powered combines?

    • Sensei

      But they’ve got Netflix on an unmetered connection! Opiates… masses.

    • R.J.

      Remember, his words and deeds are polar opposite, each time. So he is really going to fuck over farmers and destroy “broadband,” whatever that is. Is he living in the 90s still? High speed internet bro. Everyone who wants it has it. If not, Elon will get to it shortly.

  26. The Late P Brooks

    Maybe Biden can lecture those dirt grubbing hicks about racist bird names while he’s there.

  27. The Late P Brooks

    In other words, Biden and Democrats have rained money on rural America.

    Magic pixie dust! Bow down and give thanks, you worthless ingrates.