STEVE SMITH, P.I.
I had to hand it to STEVE SMITH. For all his Cryptid ways, he was a forgiving creature. Totally let bygones be bygones, despite the fact I had tried to Sanction him. No, really. I did.
“WHAT CHEESE PERSON NEED?” STEVE asked me.
“STEVE, SugarFree has gone missing. We know you can find anyone, anywhere, will you help us get him back home?”
“STEVE SMITH DO IT! HIM LIKE SUGARFREE HOOMAN. HIM FUNNY…AND SCARY! 500 PINE NEEDLES DAY, PLUS EXPENSE.”
“OK, STEVE. We will Zelle you the first 2000 pine needles, … and there is a pile of Oak leaves and bird nests for the taking, if you can find him before Wednesday.”
“JACKPOT! STEVE SMITH GO FIND NOW!”
He roared off in his red sports car – heavily modified to fit him and take the weight. I wonder if he bought it used, off of Shaquille O’Neal?
…
My phone rang fairly early the next morning.
“Ja. I am here. Who is speaking?” Wasn’t sure if it was my Swiss Masters or not, so I played it neutral.
“Good morning, Swiss.”
Mexican sharpshooter…now what?
“Yes, what have you got going on?”
“STEVE SMITH asked for some…assistance. It is ready.”
“Great. I suppose I have to be part of this?
“Of course.” I could hear the smile behind his remark.
“On the way.”
…
Mex was impeccably dressed, semi-Hawaiian style. Oh no…
“Please tell me STEVE SMITH isn’t playing ‘Magnum PI’ with all this?” I implored Mex.
“Very well, I will not tell you.”
…
“OK, so who are you supposed to be? Rick?”
“Yes, I am just going to give you some intel I gathered and look good in the background.”
“Fine, what do you have.”
“It appears a splinter cell of Jezebel writers, former, then rehired when that…thing got bought and resurrected, decided that Sug’s mockery of them WAS NOT FUNNY. So they are holding him at a safe house.”
“Wouldn’t SugarFree just be able to explode their heads by reciting some of his works at them?” I didn’t like the way this was going.
“Sure, but his morbid sense of humor is probably tickled by this. Plus, he might just be bored and want something to break up the routine” Mex shrugged.
“OK then, I guess I am …oh no, not Higgins?! Who is TC then?”
Mex grinned and pointed over to a swiftly landing helicopter.
“Landing now, Mr. SMITH!”
“But he works for Don Brett” I objected.
“Brett was happy to lend him to STEVE SMITH. They have a …working relationship.”
“STEVE SMITH READY. EVERYONE GET IN FLYING THINGY. WE SAVE SUGARFREE.”
…
The safe house appeared somewhat isolated, and easily approachable. I was suspicious.
“STEVE SMITH LEAD WAY!” STEVE was bounding up to the front door as we ran behind him.
BLAM! The front door went flying in, and we followed a grinning STEVE SMITH.
“SUGARFREE HOOMAN! WE HERE SAVE YOU!” STEVE bellowed as we came into the front room.
All we saw was one startled young woman at a laptop, at a small desk.
“WHERE HOOMAN CALL SUGARFREE?!” demanded STEVE.
“He…he is in back, I think” she stammered out. “I am just researching an article, please.” She quivered in her chair and turned back to the screen.
As we pushed forward, to save SugarFree, STEVE SMITH whirled around and yelled “JEZEBEL WRITER NO RESEARCH ARTICLE” and sprang at the woman, who was now brandishing a battered AK-47. Uh, things did not go well for her.
As STEVE SMITH… finished up, we poured into the back room.
…
“Dr. STEVE SMITH, I presume.”
“SugarFree?!”
SugarFree was relaxing at the back window, enjoying a pipe.
“Ah, something told me you would make it here. Is STEVE SMITH with you?”
“Yes, but he is…occupied at the moment. What are you doing?! Where is everyone else?”
“I was just seeing how this would all play out. Oh, the others…left.”
“You started sharing writing ideas with them, didn’t you?
“Perhaps. Either way, they were too soft to listen.”
“Can you come back, and make sure the Glibs don’t revolt, if we don’t have SugarFree content on Wednesday?”
“Oh, surely. I might even have a couple of new ideas” he gave a bit of a wry grin.
~fin~
OMG! Sugarfree is coming back! Suarfree is coming back!
Praise TPTB! Sugarfree is coming back! With new ideas.
Not sure if I’ll be be able take these new ideas but a man’s gotta do…
What a way to start off the year. ZARDOZ and STEVE SMITH.
Wonderful. Thanks, Swiss.
That was a nice tale Swiss. I do like Magnum PI. It was a very well written detective serial. I was surprised it was able to continue with relatively good quality for as long as it did.
He was no Lance White.
Hah! I just saw one of those episodes the other night.
Wait- somebody resurrected Jezebel?
I believe this is a reference to the first time they were tanked by the Hulk Hogan trial, then somehow resurrected and now tanked again due to the quality of the product.
Shit, it has been relaunched again.
What’s in SugarFrees pipe?
It’s a Cracky cameo!
Steve Smith
New Year’s titties!
https://archive.is/0WrY4
Mammary Monday.
Yay! Sugar Free, who once was lost, now is found!
Come on, now. The Glibs are always revolting.
Hey, I took a shower today.
“Wouldn’t SugarFree just be able to explode their heads by reciting some of his works at them?” I didn’t like the way this was going.
“Sure, but his morbid sense of humor is probably tickled by this. Plus, he might just be bored and want something to break up the routine” Mex shrugged.
Heh.
Thank goodness! Now that we know SF is OK, I’ll be able to sleep at night…
…until I read his next post, after which I won’t be able to sleep at night. 😳
Passing by your part of the hood yesterday was somewhat inspiring- just ordered Donato’s.
Presented without comment: a current lieutenant colonel in the US Army speaks on coming out as trans and the importance of trans inclusion
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yf0rqpwktEc
My bad, formerly USAF, now with Space Force
A few comments:
1) Space Force, so completely unmoored from reality and now waiting for SpaceX to do the heavy lifting, thus continuing NASA’s outreach refocus.
2) I’m less feminine than that transtwat, and I’m XC. Speaking with a lilting lisp and squirming around like an adolescent does not equate to being female.
3) None of that crap “she” spouts about leadership is true/important.
4) We’re never going to win a real war again, are we?
XX, not XC.
I was about ready to search for XC. Turn it 90 degrees clockwise, and it looks a face with a frown and eyes tightly shut in disgust.
XTC?
https://youtu.be/p554R-Jq43A
Intermittently great band!
96 parts? What the ever living fuck?
Narcissists love to talk about themselves.
#2 is the one I find irritating in ppl like this (and Mulvaney and that ilk). It’s all just bad cosplayi. A sort of super effeminate drag performance that has nothing to do with women and I resent the people telling me I have to go along with it. Do the Norman Bates thing and dress up in your own house, don’t care, but this farce of Yes the Emperors Clothes are Very Fine is so annoying.
I figure, if I can tell you’re a dude in a dress, you deserve to get called “he.” Likewise, girls not passing as boys. And this non-binary shit should just be laughed at.
I was going to suggest that “XC” is the genotype of the sex chromosomes of lady crypto’s. But that doesn’t work because females generally have the matching sex chromosomes, like XX.
So I was forced to conclude that XC must be the male Cryptids such as the SMITH cousins and ZARDOS. That would explain why there are not many female cryptids; XX are normal human females! Dun-dun-DUNNNN!!!
Only in rare unholy circumstances is a CC creature conceived, and those creatures are PURE cryptid, and female!
Ladies and gentlemen, that’s how you get the Grendel.
Q.E.D.
I always figured you were XXIX and holding, not XC.
LOL @ TedS.
Yep, you got me: forever XXIX.
~bats eyelashes~
Roll with it. XC is your truth.
And #4 isn’t even entirely due to people like her/him. Sadly.
Gender fluid for the service fluid.
Why do I always think of automotive fluids? “Check my fluids.” “Top off my fluids.”
You’re not the only one!
Lots of them still have their dipsticks.
Gender farce in Air than Space farce.
After the college playoff committee made their selections this season, there were two teams with undefeated records that didn’t make the playoffs, to much caterwauling.
After their respective bowl games, those two teams lost by a collective score of 108-9. Maybe the committee got it right.
On an unrelated note, the college football playoffs haven’t even started yet, but my game-watching buddy is already yelling at the officials.
This has been discussed in part over the last few days. Don’t know about Liberty, but the FSU team that lost to Georgia bore little resemblance to the team that played the regular season (no opinion on my part on whether they should have been part of the play-offs).
That was the caterwauling, at least coming from Tallahassee. “Undefeated in a Power Five conference (‘Power Five’ doing a lot of heavy lifting there).”
I was at World of Beer in Orlando watching the 4PM SEC Championship game, and no one changed the channel after the noon games, so the TV adjacent to the Bama-UGA tilt was NCAA women’s soccer (which was, as expected, a boring, slow, ungainly version of the real thing — it was like watching the Special Olympics).
Later, watching the ACC Championship, I realized that if either of these teams playing in Charlotte showed up in Atlanta against either of the teams who had played there, they’d have lost by thirty. The ineptitude on display almost made me long for more of girls trying to play at soccer.*
*Casual misogyny in case Tulip is reading
Early portal plus “sitting out cause I don’t want to get hurt before NFL draft.”. A couple tPSU fans said their team had one All-American and three All-Big Ten selections sit out the Peach Bowl. I guess it is nice for the third stringers and frosh to get in games but fans don’t get to see “quality” football.
Yep. The Real OSU got slammed by Notre Dame, with having lost a bunch of players to the black hole of the transfer portal, a new coach just sitting on the sidlines due to contractual obligations, etc.
It was so stupid, and it didn’t have to be this way. Someone (Don in Texas?) said that removing all vestiges of College from the game kinda kills it, or something to that effect.
Your buddy is nearly CATatonic….could be a CATastrophe.
Perhaps he should chill on a CATamaran. Maybe near CATalina?
Much more genteel? I’ve met the guy. Genteel he is not. Well, maybe more genteel than someone lighting a briar pipe with a microtorch, but really that type of “technically correct” is beneath the dignity of Switzy.
Chicken or pork tacos?
Yes.
It’s OK to fall apart; tacos do, and we love them.
Pork > chicken.
Carnitas! Leave the chicken in the enchilada.
Pork Nachos.
Nachos are just tacos that don’t have their shit together.
Porky know last dose!
Went with pork. It will be good after I’m done on the zooms. Come join the zooms.
Re this:
rhywun on January 1, 2024 at 12:45 pm
I shudder to think what fresh horror is supposed to meant by “invest in social transitions”.
Looked it up — social transitions means people adopting a trans identity. And “invest” in progspeak means “government wasting money on something that has a zero or negative return on investment”
Definitely need higher tax rates to have more of that.
/sarc
That’s what it sounds like out of context, but in context? I refuse to believe that even those commies want to tax corporations harder in order to pay for sexual mutilations.
Social transitions like the Cultural Revolution or Year Zero.
Yeah, goodthink and the like. Maybe some camps.
Whoa! Whoa! Those cost money to build and run. Ditches are free. So are empty fields.
“Why is this ditch filled with dead bodies?”
Your optimism about limits to the depths of depravity of prog politicians is delightfully refreshing.
Commies always want to tax corporations harder.
Also, it’s not “sexual mutilations”, it’s “lifesaving gender-affirming healthcare for society’s most marginalized and vulnerable populations.”
OK, I’ll climb that mountain.
I am now Mighty God King, and my pronouns are we and ZWAK (as in kingdom of).
Rice tractor drag racing in Thailand
Definitely need higher tax rates to have more of that.
No more race-to-the-bottom tax cuts! Equity uber alles.
sloper, you should have said something out loud – I don’t have the Zoom window open!
Anyhoo, I’m still on the Zoom
I’ll be around in a bit.
← Okay, I’m out of my holiday gear and into something more comfortable. *rolls shoulders, twinkles toes* I feel better! /Madmartigan
Well, well, well.
What’s got 2 thumbs and (for now) seems to have the week off?
—-> THIS GUY
Sweet! Hopefully for good reasons and not the recent minor dust-up
I’m glad you have two thumbs for now.
Meh, one is all you really need.
Seems to be (to me) more a matter of cost-benefit-analysis of taking us 4 fly-in managers to ATL, and the expenses a week can incur vs. how necessary we are to the office this week.
In the 6 months with these guys, I’ve only seen the main office 3X, and that was only for a few hours each.
Still, I get paid to sit on my ass.
Nature, man
Late last week, the Lone Cypress was doused by the powerful surf kicked up by a winter storm. The National Weather Service warned that waves between 28 and 33 feet were forecast along the coast. The scene at Pebble Beach’s 17-Mile Drive was captured by several onlookers, including photographer Colette English.
Whoosh.
You people and your cryptids.
Firsters do battle with very real demons know as the Borlax. They are the anti-matter that exists between the First and second.
Borlax is the stuff my grandma used to add to the laundry.
Are the Bor-thingies related to the Daleks? I’m not very familiar with Dr. Whosis stuff.
https://tardis.fandom.com/wiki/The_Borad
(psst, its now Inspector Space Time, and they are called Borgons)
LOL check out the big brains on these bus operators.
Who would have thought there were train stations in New Jersey most of which running into NYC!
Clearly NYC needs to build a wall.
Dem mayors squirming at these developments is highly amusing.
I’m enjoying it.
How do the bus companies know they’re migrants if they can’t legally ask about their immigration status?
Because they were contracted by the Texas governor to pick up a clowder of 40 young males on a street corner in El Paso?
Maybe they just wanted to go for some tea and Skittles?
So profiling. Cue next lawsuit.
As long as it is midday trains it’s a win. It will add ridership to mostly empty trains.
However, if they wind up on my rush hour trains I won’t be happy!
Finally! Someone is going something about the fentanyl epidemic
https://www.oregonlive.com/crime/2024/01/police-investigate-incident-at-medford-hospital-officials-decline-to-release-details.html
I’m currently watching the final 10 minutes of the Rose Bowl at home in my PJs.
Kind of tempted to go watch the Washington/Texas game at a sports bar in an anthropological kind of capacity.
But then I’d have to get dressed. Decisions, decisions.
Huh. Apparently there is a good “dive bar with a sports theme” around the corner from me in my new neighborhood. I’ve probably walked past it dozens of times without noticing it – which makes me wonder if it’s even open because I have noticed that Google Maps can barely keep up with all the plague victim establishments.
The sports bar I’m talking about opened in mid-October and does not show up on Uber yet. I have to type in the address and then point it out to the driver as we get close.
Yeah, the Vid doomed a lot of restaurants.
Vid doomed a lot of everything, business wise.
But, a low key bar, right around the corner? Sign me up!
I don’t actually do bars anymore but I could change my mind if it’s the right place.
The bars in my neighborhood of the previous 16 years are all hookah joints now.
The new place I like is a small sports pub, newly renovated, nice young owner, couple of pool tables, not a pick-up joint. Lots of fun when it’s a local team like Seahawks, Kraken, or of course, U of W tonight.
Yeah, I’m too damn cheap to pay bar prices.
I’m not even certain where the nearest bar is.
As much as I can appreciate the female form, alcohol prices are why I have always avoided strip bars.
The ROI just isnt there.
I have an excellent, low key place a short walk from me. I’ve known the owner for years now.
Sadly, my “hang in a bar” days are largely past, but I’m good for a couple of games there each year.
Between retirement and marriage, I will just make to a brewery once a week, two beers tops with food.
But, I do love a good dive bar.
I go to a local tavern that has the NFL ticket. I watch my game and talk sports with the other regulars there. Watching football is better in a group setting plus I can watch my game and 1-2 others with no problem. I have the cook trained on how I like my omelet made so that is nice.
“Since 1975” 😮
OK somebody reviewed it 2 months ago so I suppose it’s open.
Any bar within a 5 (maybe even 10) minute drive of where I live is an invitation to homicide. Or at the very least mugging/car jacking.
GT can confirm that.
At least we got rid of the “bad neighbor” bar around the corner and down a block, though I think their patrons’ worst offense may have been parking on the side street south of ours, much to the residents’ chagrin.
Last I knew, the ex-Shuckin’ Shack was a private club, but I don’t know how you get in. There’s always the Irish Club. Can you pass?
If you saw the current state of Chez Tres, certainly pass as ‘shanty Irish’. Not the ‘lace curtain’ flavor.
Seems like every weekend I read in the news that someone got shot or cops had been called to that place.
Oh, and had to calm Marta down around midnight- shots were being fired all around. Primarily up by the school. Go figure.
They also voted to designate the most hateful song in history.
Fuck you and SF.
Thanks to his influence and you linking that song, all I can picture in my 2/3 drunk head is Hunter in that scarf and jockstrap, dancing around and mixing cocktails.
That’s just because you’re gay.
Bro- you’re gayer and more retarded than 2 dudes with Down’s in a 69.
I’m not drunk masturbating while I’m crying thinking about Hunter Biden wearing a scarf, though.
No kink shaming.
How do I know that?
Thats an oddly specific comment.
If Michigan had -lost that punt to end regulation, it would have been the most Jim Harbaugh thing ever.
Another short article submitted. Use as filler where ever you need.
It’s the First knock life for us.
Doo doo doo…doo doo
A fellow on the Longhorns is named Adonai.
That’s quite the handle.
Mazel Tov!
Sloper showed off his sausage, KK’s dog got high…you people who don’t zoom are missing out. Now I’m going to eat my pork tacos, cooked with some of Sean’s peppers. It’ll taste good going down, it’ll burn coming out…
Sorry I missed the Zoom festivities. Had to watch the Huskies edge the Longhorns.
Stressful final 5 minutes but fun!!
Are we NOT DOING PHRASING ANYMORE!?
Lol
The problem with zooms is that it’s worse than a crowded room – too many people, and no ability to naturally form smaller, efficiently sized conversational groupings.
It was me and Shpip alone talking for the last hour or so. Most Zooms end with me and Wahappen talking for couple hours. You just need to work on your tolerance.
I just got back from watching the Sugar Bowl game. I’m in the Zoom, but I suppose it’s way too late for most of the Glibs.
Tomorrow is back to work, although the knuckleheads I work with will be all atwitter about the UW game.
A24’s version of The Green Knight is on Amazon Prime. I got like 20 minutes in and there was so much filler that the story hadn’t even started yet. Pretentious bullshit. 0 stars. (although I might go back and attempt to finish it one day if I’m bored as fuck)
Happy Tuesday! Or something…
😃🌄☕
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gtka8jXL7fk
🎶🎶
Good morning, Sean!
Ah,the doldrums of the late aughts when rock was actually still a thing but it sucked. Good morning anyway.
There was good rock in the late 00’s The Hellacopters and The Raconteurs por ejemplo.
Oh and one of the great straight up R&R albums of all time “Rock and Roll Backlash’ was released in 2007
I know, I know…I’m just being a grumpy prick because I have one of those two day hangovers that come with middle age.
2007.
*points to avatar*
Mornin’, reprobates!
Good morning, ‘patzie!
Morning, GT
Mornin’, Ralph
Good morning, U! How are you today?
Cranky, and without cause.
Well, we DO have to go back to work after a long weekend, so that’s enough cause right there.
This is the start of my Hell Month at the office, but at least there’s a pay raise, an annual “incentive,” and an extra employer contribution to my 401(k) at the end of it…if I live to tell about it.
If it were so straightforward, I’d have figured it out.
Hope the stress isn’t too bad.
Thanks!
Oh, those crazy Poles. Seems that they have a three day holiday to celebrate the New Year (I got an OOO notification from a colleague to that effect). Three days of drinking for them = one night for us, I guess.
Well, this year there was nothing stopping you from starting Friday night. 🍷🍸🍹🍺🍻🍾🥂
Earthquake in Japan and then a plane bursts into flames in Tokyo and a potential assassination of South Korean politician? Well I wasn’t even done setting up my 2024 bingo card.
Youngest Patzer has been talking about visiting Japan after he graduates in the spring. Today’s discussion of current events should be interesting.
UnCiv moves out and Rochester goes completely to hell.
https://abc7ny.com/rochester-deadly-crash-kodak-center-terrorism/14256415/
The journalismist can’t decide what kind of Ford was involved, but at least this one said the T word. Local NPR studiously avoided mentioning that possibility. LNPR also couldn’t keep the models of the vehicles straight.
I haven’t lived in Rochester since I got laid off from Xerox in 2007. You can’t pin this on me leaving.
Dammit! I forgot to take out the trash, and there goes the garbage truck.
We had to adjust here. In Vegas the garbage pickup was usually late morning to early afternoon. Here is 7am sharp. Small adjustment along with the many rules of how load your trashcan makes me want to just burn it in my backyard.
Welcome to Podunkville
Morning all! Overslept 🙁