What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton, unpublished draft
I am the most qualified person ever to run for President of the United States.
I happened to marry an adulterer who went on to become the 42nd President of the United States of America. I rode the resentment of his impeachment for lying about having sex with a 22-year-old fatty to become the first female Senator of a state where I had never made my home, a state with a corrupt political machine only rivaled by the cesspit known as Illinois. After walking away from the job of Senator, I ran a failed primary bid where I lost to a charismatic nobody with a penis and the ability to smile. After throwing a long public tantrum about that defeat, the nobody appointed me Secretary of State to appease the women in the party still angry about my primary loss. I was an undistinguished Secretary of State who used my office to line the pockets of my fake charitable foundation and hid my illegal activities by setting up a homebrew email server to evade Freedom of Information Act requests and Congressional oversight. I ran another bid for President with the direct collusion of the Democratic National Committee to suppress my primary opponents. With the full and overt support of a supposedly objective national news apparatus, I still lost to a national disgrace, a reality show host with all the natural charm of a used car salesman under indictment for fraud and his team of New York mobster hillbillies.
I am the most qualified person to ever run for President of the United States and somehow I still lost. This is what happened.
I had the same dream over and over again when I was a teenager. I am standing in a field, a wide open field. There were flowers everywhere and I reached down and touch them. I hear a far off sound, a low rumbling, a roar. I am confused, frightened. But then I see the missiles coming up out of the underground silos, like shoots growing from fertile soil in time-lapse. There are dozens of them. I imagine I can feel their flames against my face, hotter than the spring sun. The plumes of their engines fill the blue, blue sky where they stand on thick pillars of clouds. They are beautiful. I lift up out of the field and fly with them up and up and up, through the ever-thinning air and into the darkness of space. The missiles and I hang there, weightless, frozen for an eternal moment, then we slowly begin to fall back to the Earth. Faster and faster we fall, heat shimmering around us. The ground rushes toward us like a lover. And then blinding white light and a sound too loud to even be heard. When I can see again I am back in the field. A greasy black snow of human ash is falling. I hold out my tongue and catch a flake. It is delicious.
Every time I wake from this dream I am masturbating as hard as a can. I am alternating digging up under my clitoris with my sharp fingernails and slapping my vulva sharply. I can never finish. I get out of bed and slip quietly downstairs and go to the guest bathroom to wash the blood off my hands and pubic area so that I wouldn’t wake my parents. Clean, I would examine the lovely ruin between my legs for any permanent damage. It is all permanent damage.
Bill vomited the first time I let him see it in the light. He was weak. I should have never trusted him. I barely have the dream any longer. When I do, Huma is there to hold me. I wish Huma would be in my dream but I know that is not what the dream is about. I can barely feel it when Huma touches the scar tissue. When she reads these words will be the first time I have told her that. Pleasure is not something I feel. Neither is pain. I feel nothing.
I wanted to be your President, America, so you could feel nothing too.
From the private journal of Huma A—–
Hillary is working on her book about the election again. She and her team work on it every night as we get closer to the publication deadline. She says she doesn’t want my help at this stage. At this stage. I ask her what she means by that and she just smiles.
She has asked me to write about the first time we met and our earliest times together. She says it is for the book but I know the misogynistic world we live in will never allow for our relationship to be public. Men and the women they have fooled can never accept two proud, strong women loving each other.
I love the woman who should have been the first woman President of the United States.
I love the most hated woman in America.
I love her despite her attempts at transformation. I love her because of her attempts at transformation.
The first time we met. You know those moments in your life that you just know you are going to remember your whole life? It was like that. I saw her, our eyes met, and all I could think was “Wow, this is amazing.” She was so beautiful and she was so little. People say love at first sight is just chemicals in your brain and that it can’t be real. It is real. I touch her hand and I knew that I would be with her for the rest of my life. My secret place began to weep the tears of the djinn. It was the first time I knew I was in love with a woman. And that that woman was Hillary. I knew I would die for her if she asked, kill for her if she asked.
I fell out of love with Anthony in an instant. I miscarried our first child that night, shaking in the bathroom in our apartment and hoping the filth he had put in me would stay out forever. It was only because Hillary needed an apostate child to complete her Ascension that I ever consented to let the Jew touch me again.
She was so beautiful and she was so little. I hope she puts that in the book. That’s all I want anyone to know.
Congressional Testimony, August 2021
Senator Paul: Why was she even allowed to run in the Democratic primary again, Madam Chairperson?
DNC Chairperson Warren: We have an open primary process…
Senator Paul: Please don’t insult the members of this committee, Ms. Warren.
[Warren consults with attorney]
DNC Chairperson Warren: Senator Sanders was dead. Senator Booker, well, I think we all know why he couldn’t run. And she was the most qualified person ever to run…
Senator Paul: She was a 74-year-old two-time loser under indictment over her charitable foundation. She had a husband under a similar indictment who died under very questionable circumstances. Her daughter had fled the country over the activities of that same foundation. Was this really the best person your party could offer the country?
DNC Chairperson Warren: You [expletive deleted], Rand. You know what, just [expletive deleted] you! HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO STOP HER?
Clinton Election Celebration survivor testimony
And then the balloons began to fall from the ceiling and everyone was cheering. You could see something was happening up on the stage, but, you know, not really make it out. And then there was this tearing noise and a gunshot. And I thought, “Someone shot her! Someone has shot the first woman President!” Everyone started screaming and running for the exits. People were being trampled. I… I… There was a woman on the floor of the auditorium and I…
[recording paused]
It was deafening. The noise of the crowd. Panic in an enclosed space. There were plenty of exits but no one was moving. Everyone was crying. And even over the crowd you could hear this… I don’t know what it was… like when your crack your knuckles, but like enormous knuckles. And then a high-pitched noise like child’s scream. All the balloons on the floor popped at once. I looked back at the stage and there was this… I don’t know… thing hanging in the air. Like writhing in the air. I could smell burnt meat and electricity.
The crowd started pushing again, trying to get out. And there were all these gunshots. Hundreds of them it sounded like. It was the guards outside. The fucking security guards. They were shooting anyone who made it outside. They were keeping us in there.
What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton, unpublished draft
I approached it like any other deal to be made. They had something I wanted and I had a medium of currency that they would accept for it. I knew that all I had to do who find common ground and trading could begin
I began with Shub-Niggurath. She was a woman just like I was. A mother. She might have been the black goat of the woods with a thousand young but that didn’t mean we wouldn’t share the experience of giving birth, of nurturing a child and watching them grow, or the disappointment in finding that our monstrous offspring turned out looking like their hideous father.
Surprisingly, it was Huma that introduced me to Iram, the city of pillars, the ancient center of Shub-Niggurath worship. It wasn’t easy to get away, of course. It took a huge sum of money and careful coordination of my schedule to get away from press, but Huma is a genius at exactly that sort of operation.
Deep in the Crimson Desert, we sought the sunken pillars of the city that had been damned by God. When the guides announced our arrival, it looked like any other patch of that endless wasteland. Huma drew a square in the sand with a carved femur and muttered the guttural words from the tattered scrap of manuscript I had bought from the crippled German.
The sand shuddered and parted to reveal a black glass staircase that descended into darkness. We killed the guides and walked hand-in-hand into the buried temple of The Mother.
Excerpt from the autopsy of unidentified body recovered from Clinton election celebration site, forensic examination narrative
Gross deep tissue damage. Most muscle groups are simply gone. What remains on the skeleton has been partially dissolved by some variety of corrosive. No tests on any of the other victims have been able to identify it. The closest thing anyone has come up with is that it might be some sort of gastric juices applied to the flesh to soften it for consumption. Most of the major bones have been split lengthwise and the bone marrow is gone. With the head pulped and the skin missing, identification of the body will be impossible unless we get lucky with DNA.
Democratic Underground blog post, November 11th, 2020
The fact remains that Hillary was ELECTED FAIR AND SQUARE. No matter what she did AFTERWARDS, she must be allowed to take office. If the KKKGOP want to impeach her they are welcome to try.
I DON’T CARE WHAT SHE IS, SHE’S STILL MY PRESIDENT!
CNBC Online article excerpt, April 12, 2023
What are Hillary’s Chances of a Second Term? Is America ready to vote for a black cloud of gibbering tentacles? Has her ravaging of the East Coast hurt her with the Democratic base? Will the constant rain of blood in Ohio depress voter turnout?
re-run
Spot the Not: quotes from Clinton supporters
1. Mrs. Clinton has done her homework on pretty much any subject you’d care to name.
2. She was the secretary President Obama needed and wanted: someone who knew leaders around the world, who brought star power as well as expertise to the table.
3. Hillary Clinton, with her long experience, especially as Secretary of State, has a firm grasp of the issues and will be prepared to lead our country on day one.
4. Clinton has been a Senator and a Secretary of State, not to mention playing an active role as First Lady in her husband’s administration. She’s been breaking glass ceilings her whole life and there’s no one better for breaking this one.
5. I really wish she hadn’t given those six-figure talks to Goldman Sachs. But I genuinely believe she’ll make the best president.
6. I really don’t want to see her abused again. I’m tired of seeing her confronted by entitled men weighing in on her personal honesty and likability, treating the most admired woman in the world like a woman who’s applying to be his secretary.
6 is the Not.
You lose.
Now choose the form of the Destructor
choice 1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Pg-HR2bmvU
choice 2
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJJoJWY1VFM
1
Oops… I replied to the wrong one.
1 is the not.
Take it away, Gilbert Godfrey
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3djXcx2ewQ
Oh fuck. I see. I’ll keep silent.
3 sounds like something a Republican would say.
Or a vice-presidential candidate on the Libertarian ticket.
Nope. All except the one I wrote are from Team Blue.
I didn’t read this because I was reading the article.
5 is the not. That’s way too honest. They make excuses for the talks
Nope- Joan Walsh.
https://www.thenation.com/article/why-im-supporting-hillary-clinton-with-joy-and-without-apologies/
And now for the big reveal.
4 is the Not. I wrote it.
I can’t find the quote, but it was a reaction to the Aleppo Moment. It was something like: not only does Clinton know where Aleppo is, she’s been there and can tell you where to find the best kibbeh.
Most. Qualified. Candidate. Ever.
5. Is the not.
haha damnit keep scrolling. I assumed 5 was the not because I couldn’t imagine her rabid fanbase even mildly condemning those speeches.
That is seriously… perfect.
Well it’s not perfectly serious, is it?
It is. It is funny, disturbing, and accurate at the sane time.
Every time I see reference to “What Happened”, it makes me think that this should be the theme for the Clinton campaign.
My campaign song choice https://youtu.be/ZwbTHl6C56U
Yikes. 2 suicides over a goofy toodle-loo music band?!
Badfinger. Nice.
*Stands to applaud.*
I was gonna go take a shower. I should probably read this first.
Skip the shower, head straight for the autoclave
Good call
This is an absolute masterpiece, SugarFree. Well done!
Seconded. I need a drink and to gouge my eyes out.
Yeah, but you know we only love it because it’s more critical of Hillary, than the orange Darth Cheeto. Ok, yeah, it’s really that good.
“Every time I wake from this dream I am masturbating as hard as a can. I am alternating digging up under my clitoris with my sharp fingernails and slapping my vulva sharply. I can never finish”
“My secret place began to weep the tears of the djinn”
“Is America ready to vote for a black cloud of gibbering tentacles? Has her ravaging of the East Coast hurt her with the Democratic base?”
The movie adaptation of this is going to be awesome
Get out of my brain!!!
Get into my car?
I like when he goes looking for Shub-Niggurath.
Missed the link
https://youtu.be/CmhjXEkI5Lg
I began with Shub-Niggurath. She was a woman just like I was. A mother. She might have been the black goat of the woods with a thousand young but that didn’t mean we wouldn’t share the experience of giving birth, of nurturing a child and watching them grow, or the disappointment in finding that our monstrous offspring turned out looking like their hideous father.
is where I lost it.
I failed my sanity roll.
Meep.
Gibber.
Gleep.
Man Sugarfree is taking the Family Friendly certification personally.
You’re not?
And this was kinda tame by his standards, honestly. Though I am curious as to why Senator Booker couldn’t run… perhaps that will be the subject of a later installment.
You can’t run if… you’ve got NO LEGS!!bwaahhaaa!!!!
For the hell of it, I might just tweet this one…Out of curiosity, why is the auto-generated hashtag “libertarians” and not “glibertarians”?
We’ll look into it. Probably autocorrect shennagians. Thanks.
Update: I’ve been told it is how we hide from our enemies. (And trend with the broader #libtertarian Twitter community.)
I blame Trump!
It stinks!
Tractor hauling liquid manure tank tips over, spilling almost 4000 gallons of manure.
Biff Tannen hardest hit.
Hehe, I laughed several times. ++
That is pretty good.
This seems accurate.
Wow
Alright SugarFree, fess up. How much is the Clinton Foundation paying you to sell your soul for them?
I go that Koch money, yo.
I assumed we all did
I wish I didn’t have an early meeting tomorrow. Otherwise I could do coke all night so I wouldn’t have to sleep and have nightmares.
You can drink those away. Or so I’ve heard.
[face palm]
https://youtu.be/FqPV7PtCv_A?t=7m20s
Don’t know who he is but he looks very oppressed. I’m assuming he wants money at the end?
Never mind the Falwell-lite guy; the actor reciting Chesterton is great.
TL;DR, denouncing the ideologies of blood popular in the early 20th century, defending free will, defending King Arthur as a Christian champion…sounds good.
Speaking of Catholics and King Arthur, have you checked out Swan Knight’s Son and sequels? They strike me as being right up your alley, as a love letter to Malory (mostly) but with Catholic sensibility.
Thank you for that suggestion!
Dramatic recitation of Chesterton’s poem “Lepanto”
Ahh, some fine kebab removal…
Your prize is Sabaton.
This is legitimately good. By human standards even.
It does make a good avatar!
Are you Stephan Pastis?
No, but I think he’d fit in here… on days when Switzy isn’t paying attention.
Very nice!
I wonder if the Secret Service carry a picture of Shikha.
http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/02/politics/trump-skills-immigration-plan-cotton-perdue/index.html
If they’re focusing on the ability to speak English, Commonwealth countries like India have an advantage.
She probably won’t see it that way (or freak out about HINDUUUUUUUUUUUUs).
Cotton Plan? Haven’t we seen something like this before?
Solid A. Well done.
“Classe Tous Risques” was great! Sad to say I haven’t watched it since I picked up the criterion dvd years ago. My thoughts.
Sad to say…I spent the first 1/2 hour certain that Lino Ventura was Jean Paul Belmondo….that bent nose and chiseled face is really etched in my mind from some other Melville flicks – it’s been too long since I watched “Breathless” and my other period French movies. Of course, Belmondo is instantly recognizable when he shows up, it was really weird though.
Le Samourai tomorrow will be awesome. Can’t wait.
Specifying again….Classe Tous Risques will be playing again at noon at Violet Crown Cinemas (all 3 of them – Charlottesville, Santa Fe, Austin).
Le Samourai will be playing at 7 PM.
You’re sounding more comfortable than the intro, particularly considering you said you didn’t have it pre-written.
Damn, I vaguely remember Samurai from years and years (more like decades) ago, and never saw “Classe Tous Risques,” and now I’m tempted to check them out.
If you have DVD delivery via netflix, it’s really not a major issue.
Bravo!
Another one bites the dust. This is going to get uglier than it even is now. The GOP shouldn’t assume that the voters are going to punish the dems when it does.
http://hotair.com/archives/2017/08/02/molina-healthcare-pulling-two-states-raising-premiums-55-remaining-states/
But but but 20 million people got insurance!
The take away; when your liberal friends say it’s Trump’s fault, remember this:
They’re fucking delusional if they think the GOP is going to get punished for failing to repeal the ACA yet. Also, AZ, can you please primary the human piece of excrement that is John McCain?
I don’t know. I’m pretty pissed at the R’s for not repealing it. Then again, I don’t vote often. They did manage to remind me that they are as disingenuous and spineless as ever. They were getting awfully close to convincinge they were serious about reducing the role of the state in the economy.
I don’t really know why you’re mad at the R’s. I mean I hate them almost as much as I do the Democrats, but this is not their fault. It’s the insurgent fuckstains like McCain. I mean, in this case, it is ALL McCain.
Mostly because the spineless bastards voted a dozen times to repeal thus shit when there was no chance the president would sign it into law. Here we are 6 months into an administration with a president that will sign literally anythung they send to him and they have done diddly squat.
And they would have repealed it without the no vote of piece of shit John McCain. If that piece of shit were on fire, I wouldn’t piss on him to put it out.
And, McCain is a Republican. He is a senior established republican that represents the Republican party. He has been a Republican representative in Congress for years and years. He was the Republican presidential candidate a few years ago.
He represents exactly what is wrong with the Republican party.
Well, now we agree. McCain is a prime example of the problem with politics as a career.
Sure the GOP will get punished for it. Low information voters will vaguely recall next year something about the GOP and healthcare votes and conclude they’re to blame for the increased cost, aided by the Dems and a compliant media.
All of this comes as Molina announced a net loss of $230 million for the second quarter.
Or as my sister will see it: Greedy insurance company puts profits over people.
SugarFree, I am very alarmed that you have chosen to denigrate the most honorable madame, Hillary Clinton. You are obviously a Trump apologist, as I have always noted, by your lack of daily articles criticizing him as worse than Hitler. I mean you haven’t even made fun of his offspring or made fun of him at all, ever. Seriously disturbing stuff here.
/Reason Staff
Until today, I never knew it was possible to laugh and vomit at the same time.
Have you not read Sugarfree before? Laughvomiting is a given.
“I had the same dream over and over again when I was a teenager. I am standing in a field, a wide open field. There were flowers everywhere and I reached down and touch them. I hear a far off sound, a low rumbling, a roar. I am confused, frightened. But then I see the missiles coming up out of the underground silos, like shoots growing from fertile soil in time-lapse. There are dozens of them. I imagine I can feel their flames against my face, hotter than the spring sun. The plumes of their engines fill the blue, blue sky where they stand on thick pillars of clouds. They are beautiful. I lift up out of the field and fly with them up and up and up, through the ever-thinning air and into the darkness of space. The missiles and I hang there, weightless, frozen for an eternal moment, then we slowly begin to fall back to the Earth. Faster and faster we fall, heat shimmering around us. The ground rushes toward us like a lover. And then blinding white light and a sound too loud to even be heard. When I can see again I am back in the field. A greasy black snow of human ash is falling. I hold out my tongue and catch a flake. It is delicious.
Every time I wake from this dream I am masturbating as hard as a can. I am alternating digging up under my clitoris with my sharp fingernails and slapping my vulva sharply. I can never finish. I get out of bed and slip quietly downstairs and go to the guest bathroom to wash the blood off my hands and pubic area so that I wouldn’t wake my parents. Clean, I would examine the lovely ruin between my legs for any permanent damage. It is all permanent damage.”
Sorry to copy all of that, but that is beautiful. Best thing you’ve ever wrote. I mean besides the original Steve Smith comments. Nothing can top that.
Clinton 2020 campaign slogan: This WILL Happen!
Amuses me that people don’t think she’s running. She’s absolutely running again and the Democrats will like it and shut up.
I miscarried our first child that night, shaking in the bathroom in our apartment and hoping the filth he had put in me would stay out forever.
Self induced? I see even SF wouldn’t go there. My guess is he thought about it, had a nifty little scene in mind, and actually yielded to discretion. For that I’m eternally grateful.
Well, this is a family friendly website after all.
Good work SF. Probably your best yet.
What did she/it do to Corey Booker. I’m assuming some kind of ritual sacrifice with tentacle sex overtones.
Sugar Free is a fucking genius.
Downloaded Discord. How does this thing work?
/Getoffmylawn
I only have my phone right now. I’ll link to it in the morning links for ya if you can’t find it by then.
Also for anyone else looking.
Use this link
Your talents are wasted here SF. This shit should be a front page story at salon.
Well, Salon could be fooled into thinking this is a pro-Hillary piece.
The other thing to keep in mind is that before Hillary lost so spectacularly, they were hunting for a safe congressional seat for Chelsea to run in. With her ascending, there was still a threat–a way to keep the money rolling in.
Surely, that dre . . . er . . . nightmare is over. She’s not the president’s daughter anymore. She’s a fucking nobody.
I bet the money isn’t rolling into the Clinton Foundation like it used to either.
I bet Hillary lays around in her bra and panties watching old reruns of The West Wing drinking her favorite bourbon by the case and puking, puking, puking, . . .
What else is left for her now?
The only real splash she could make is if she sobered herself up, put on a pantsuit, and made the brave announcement about her personal life we’ve all been anticipating for years. I mean, for goodness’ sake, she went to Wellesley!
The problem is… and I was just going over this with my wife while we watched the vote to spare Michel Temer, president of Brazil, from standing trial now for corruption charges. The problem is, is that politics has become a career. There can ever be an end to corruption as long as this is true. Want to end the corruption, end politics as a career, there is no other way.
It’ll do nothing. If you limit terms of office, it’s just a race to plunder as much as possible before your term is up. And make sure you don’t make enough enemies to get prosecuted.
Bribery, cronyism, fucking over your enemies and rewarding your friends is just human. Dick with systems all you like, it’ll always be true.
Can’t agree. If you force ‘public servants’, well that’s what they’re supposed to be, to go home and work in the private sector after a couple of years, then they have to deal with the laws they helped passed.
But give me your alternatives.
Literally none. I can’t think of a single society that didn’t have corruption and government abuse, and it’s not for lack of trying. Remove “professional politicians” and the power shifts either to a permanent bureaucracy or to political machine rotating a series of pliant cretins who vote the way machinery tells them and dispense government positions as prizes.
So, you’ve given up? Rule of men, not laws?
I live in Canada – of course I’ve given up!
To be more serious, all rule is always by men, until laws become sapient and start enforcing themselves. There’s no One Simple Fix that changes human nature, and any set of rules can and will be gamed. You can just dick with percentages and hope that power can shift from faction to faction regularly enough that everyone is too scared to cheat too often because it’ll rebound on them.
It’s not ‘giving up’ it’s accepting the fact that human government is entirely dysfunctional and cannot be fixed. Which is almost libertarian or something.
Bingo. I despise the professional politician… but if you term limit the politicians out, it just shifts power to the party bosses – who, being unelected and largely invisible, are *even more* unaccountable. And the more power the parties have, the harder it is for the occasional decent politician to make any kind of difference.
The only alternative is a small and relatively powerless government. That’s the only thing that will work.
Well, I thought that’s what the founders intended?
That’s my take on it. In practice, every administration has grown the power of the fed. Even the administration’s of the founders. George Washington cut a crony deal with alexander hamilton to create the first national bank. In return he got the new district of Columbia located next to his property.
https://mises.org/library/central-banking-engine-corruption
No. The federalists wanted big government. They wanted the rents and sinecures a powerful government could send their way.
Their greed was their undoing, but the damage they did was permanent.
If you want a good fictional representation of that I highly recommend the John Adams biography from about ten years that has Paul Giamatti in it. There’s a lot of great bits where Jefferson is going pure idealist and then Hamilton cuts in and goes “no, fuck that, we won’t be able to function properly, we at least need this and this and this…”
“But give me your alternatives.”
Each succeeding election the incumbent should have to win by a larger margin to retain the office. I.e. 50%+1, 51%+1, 52%+1, etc.
What’s amazing is DC went over 90% for Clinton. Even California was around 61%.
The political class liked Clinton because she’s good for politicians, and they hated Trump. And I think people knew it, no matter what they thought of Trump.
Sort of like, he may not be on my team, but he’s the only candidate who’s definitely not on theirs.
Calling the White House a “dump” plays perfectly to the people you’re talking about. He’s forced his detractors to defend the opulence and grandeur our overlords have lived in. Here’s a piece by Time showing how offended they are by Trump insulting the Palace of Versailles:
The White House is no dump. It has six floors with two small mezzanine levels; the entire complex is an astounding 200,000 or so square feet sitting on 18 acres in downtown Washington. Its grounds are cared for by the National Park Service. The 55,000-square-foot executive mansion is the main building, divided into public and private rooms with its ground and first floors open to the public for guided tours. The family’s private lives are lived on the second and third floors, which tourists never visit. One main corridor links the 16 rooms and six bathrooms on the second floor. Another 20 rooms and nine bathrooms are joined by a main corridor on the third floor. Maids, valets, and presidential children all have had rooms there.
God, now I really want Trump to redecorate and make it look like Russian mobster’s pad, but on a grander scale, with even more gold.
And a big-ass solid-gold crucifix. With diamonds. But without the gymnast (punchline to actual Russian joke).
Turn it into a fucking museum and have the president rent a townhouse.
I think he should put a giant MAGA billboard in the front yard.
That would be awesome. He could bill Trump Enterprises and earn income.
If they want to slobber all over the cock of statism, let them choke on the encrusted diamonds. Do it, Trump.
Oh, and a big-ass bald-headed eagle. Alive, not stuffed. And not in a cage, either, on one of them bird poles.
Who am I kidding – I basically want Trump to become President Boss from Saint’s Row 4.
Who the fuck wouldn’t vote for President Boss? I mean, his/her/its V.P. alone seals the deal.
https://ih0.redbubble.net/image.119620989.0370/ap,550×550,12×16,1,transparent,t.u7.png
Trump seems to be crying out: Impeach me, please!
Samuelson seeing through the diabolical, extremist machinations of Trump.
He does seem to be working off “Trump never expected to win” theory, which I think has some merit. He probably got in on a lark, then got obstinate when media started the shit parade.
When you have billions, anything you do on a lark is more than just a lark.
With that short skirt of his, Trump is practically begging to be impeached.
Credit where it’s due, the reviews are coming in and SF has sure made an impression:
“Mommy, make the scary man stop telling stories!” – H. P. Lovecraft
“Reading Sugarfree drives Stephen to madness. Reading Sugarfree drives Stephen to madness. Reading Sugarfree drives Stephen to madness. Reading Sugarfree drives Stephen to madness. Reading Sugarfree drives Stephen to madness. Reading Sugarfree drives Stephen to madness. Reading Sugarfree drives Stephen to madness. Reading Sugarfree drives Stephen to madness. Reading Sugarfree drives Stephen to madness. Reading Sugarfree drives Stephen to madness. Reading Sugarfree drives Stephen to madness.” – Stephen King
“Who is twisted enough to make up tales of such unholy abominations?” – Mary Shelley
“Wait, in this story, can women vote? OMG, that’s horrifying!” – M. R. James
“Where can I get some of that shit you’re taking?” – Hunter S Thompson
Did a 24 hour search for Seth Rich. CNN and Snopes both have pieces out yesterday supposedly debunking the claim that Rich was Wiki Leaks source. Then I see that Seymour Hersh’s audio is leaked that claims Rich is the source and Wiki Leaks basically confirms the claim. CNN and Snopes are going to come back tomorrow with a new “debunking” of Hersh’s claim? Man, it’s getting fun.
Holy shit. Where did that tape come from?
It should be fun seeing the media turn on Sy Hersh.
Just a heads-up, guys: starting tomorrow, we’ve decided to go with a different logo for the website.
Let us know what you think.
Are you guys ever gonna get over the Certified Family Friendly badge?
The alphabet is family friendly!
Needs more tentacles.
The lady at the top isn’t getting any action.
It’s allegorical for There Are No Female Libertarians.
Obligatory: THICC
Missing the required top hat and monocle.
My instruments indicate that this post is dangerously close to critical derp. Proceed with caution.
Spot the Not: Kurt Eichenwald
1. Why is it that’s always that social conservatives are the ones who turn out to be the most disgusting perverts? Their hypocrisy is stunning.
2. Whenever someone says zygotes are babies, I reply: ‘Imagine a thousand zygotes in test tubes in one room, and three toddlers in another. A fire breaks out, and you only have time to get to one room. Which would you save from burning – the zygotes or the children?’
3. If a doctor said you had stomach cancer, would you consult Rush Limbaugh for a second opinion? Of course, that sounds like nonsense, but many Americans have no qualms about listening to political commentators and untrained activists when it comes to even more complex scientific questions.
4. When the Bill of Rights was written, no one owned a MAG5100, 100-round magazine for an M-16. The concept of a mass slaughter carried out over a matter of minutes was incomprehensible.
5. No one – not a conservative or liberal or whatever – can stand back and ‘define’ what marriage means. Other people’s marriages have nothing to do with mine; whether my neighbors are divorced or gay or widowed will not lead me to change anything about how my wife and I deal with each other or how we raise our children.
6. I am an Obamacare agnostic – if it works, as I hope it will for the good of the nation, then it’s a great thing. If it doesn’t, then that is a disappointing thing, and we need to try something else.
4. When the Bill of Rights was written, no one owned a MAG5100, 100-round magazine for an M-16. The concept of a mass slaughter carried out over a matter of minutes was incomprehensible.
This is it, you have found it. The mythical Pure Derp. The sentence so stupid, only genuine gibberish lies beyond it!
Well done, Derpy. You may now rest.
I have heard that arguement many times. The founders couldn’t have imagined blah blah blah…
Private people had fucking warships when the second amendment was written.
I thought more of the idea of mass slaughter in minutes would in fact not be incomprehensible to someone familiar with the concept of “grapeshot”.
Exactly. And, warships were the most powerful weapon of their day. They were the most effective fighting tool in the world. And, the founders were ok with private individuals owning them. I should be able to have a fully equipped aircraft carrier if I want.
“Well done, Derpy. You may now rest.”
Never!
You should read the one I left out:
“Plenty of gun opponents have pointed out the obvious: that the Founding Fathers could never have envisioned the kinds of ‘arms’ that exist today – Washington, Jefferson, and the rest had never even seen a bullet. Musket balls for guns that required constant reloading were the ‘arms’ of the day.”
He says Washington and Jefferson had never seen a bullet. This man gets paid to write and appears regularly on news shows.
BTW, Jefferson had an air rifle that could fire 22 times without needing to be reloaded.
http://thefederalistpapers.org/founders/jefferson/thomas-jeffersons-assault-rifle-the-girardoni-air-rifle
Ponder that on the tree of woe.
Air rifle, filtered through the modern usage, really understates it. Fires .46 caliber balls and used by the Austrian army from 1780-1815.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Girandoni_air_rifle
I don’t know, are any of the zygotes or toddlers related to Kurt Eichenwald? These details matter.
Aren’t we all related to Kurt Eichenwald, in the end?
As he is the only remaining Denisovan, no.
I have yet to see any masturbation attempts at animated pornography, and thus I withhold my opinion.
1 is the Not.
I made it up!
Tune in next week for my upcoming parody: The Liar, The Bitch, and The Microbe.
Caught this late, but I’m damn glad I didn’t miss it. Bravo! Bravo, sir!
it’s beautiful.
Rammstein and Sabaton- 2 great things that are even better together
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVeKG6lca7g
Comey gets multimillion-dollar book deal
http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2017/08/02/comey-gets-multi-million-dollar-book-deal.html
***
According to Flatiron, Comey will cite “examples from some of the highest-stakes situations in the past two decades of American government” and “share yet-unheard anecdotes from his long and distinguished career.”
***
I wonder if they’ll talk about the time he got the wrong guy thrown in prison for the anthrax letters.
Local news put it as being something about “leadership” that made me snorfle.
Who was it here who referred to these book deals as money laundering? (Or was it influence peddling?)
Yes and also yes
So he’ll be committing more felonies by disclosing govt owned secrets?
http://www.ocregister.com/2017/05/21/comey-mueller-bungled-big-anthrax-case-together/
***
The third and most important factor tempering my enthusiasm for the new special prosecutor is that Comey and Mueller badly bungled the biggest case they ever handled. They botched the investigation of the 2001 anthrax letter attacks that took five lives and infected 17 other people, shut down the U.S. Capitol and Washington’s mail system, solidified the Bush administration’s antipathy for Iraq, and eventually, when the facts finally came out, made the FBI look feckless, incompetent, and easily manipulated by outside political pressure.
This, too, was an enormously complex case. But here are some facts: Despite the jihadist slogans accompanying the mailed anthrax, it had nothing to do with Saddam Hussein or any foreign element; the FBI ignored a 2002 tip from a scientific colleague of the actual anthrax killer, who turned out to be a Fort Detrick scientist named Bruce Edwards Ivins; the reason is that they had quickly obsessed on an innocent man named Steven Hatfill; the bureau was bullied into focusing on the government scientist by Democratic Sen. Patrick Leahy (whose office, along with that of Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, was targeted by an anthrax-laced letter) and was duped into focusing on Hatfill by two sources — a conspiracy-minded college professor with a political agenda who’d never met Hatfill and by Nicholas Kristof, who put her conspiracy theories in the paper while mocking the FBI for not arresting Hatfill.
In truth, Hatfill was an implausible suspect from the outset. He was a virologist who never handled anthrax, which is a bacterium. (Ivins, by contrast, shared ownership of anthrax patents, was diagnosed as having paranoid personality disorder, and had a habit of stalking and threatening people with anonymous letters — including the woman who provided the long-ignored tip to the FBI).
So what evidence did the FBI have against Hatfill? There was none, so the agency did a Hail Mary, importing two bloodhounds from California whose handlers claimed could sniff the scent of the killer on the anthrax-tainted letters. These dogs were shown to Hatfill, who promptly petted them. When the dogs responded favorably, their handlers told the FBI that they’d “alerted” on Hatfill and that he must be the killer.
***
[head desk]
Ooh, and alert dogs doing what the handlers want.
Me too. I’m still weeping from wherever. Lovecraft would be horrified with what you wrote here. And all the other authors and humanity in general. Bravo.