I, Soldier – part 10

by | Mar 4, 2024 | Fiction | 72 comments

“What do you think about communism?”

“I think it’s bad because it brings bad results. They talk big about helping everyone, but it always turns into a dictatorship with secret police. It’s more popular overseas because the group mentality is stronger in most other countries vs America. What do you think about politics, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Look at my clothes, smart guy. Do you think I’m with the College Republicans or something?”

“Fair point.”

“Are you religious?”

“My parents raised me on the Bible, and it left a dent. I think Christianity is a beautiful and inspiring religion. It’s a shame that so many of its most prominent members are so thoroughly unrespectable.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Sorry. I thought I did. I’m not a praying man and I haven’t set foot in a church in years. Hands that help are better than lips that pray.”

“What do you think about the civil rights movement?”

“I’m all for it and I hope they keep winning. This guy I trained with, Barry Delmar, really swell guy. There aren’t a lot of black officers, and they often get treated like shit. I haven’t seen him since we were in officer training. When I get out, I’d like to visit him and his family. They live in a town called Amity in Washington state. He told me about it.”

“For a guy who has such a casual attitude about death and destruction, you’re surprisingly friendly and charming.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot. Well, on second thought, actually no, not really.”

“What do you think about feminism?”

“They have legitimate grievances. It took way too long for women to get the right to vote. On the flip side, I’ll add that if they really want equality, they should be protesting for the right to get drafted and sent off to kill and die, same as young men.”

“So, you’re really going back for another two years? Can’t you go AWOL or something? Pretend you’re nuts or gay, so they discharge you?”

“Sorry, that’s just not my style. Plus, I don’t want to give the rat bastards the satisfaction. I thank the good lord for every heart beat I get. It beats the alternative.”

“I thought you weren’t religious.”

“The first time I heard someone say, ‘there are no atheists in foxholes’, I was tempted to yell out: a lot of guys become atheists after what they see in foxholes, you dumb motherfucker!”

“Have you slept with anyone overseas?”

“No, but the whores there come at me like flies on shit. I lie and tell them I have a wife back home, so they leave me alone.”

“Do you drink or do drugs?”

“I didn’t touch a drop of alcohol til I turned 21. Over there, I smoke a lot of opium and marijuana. It keeps my nerves steady.”

“Pot. Here, it’s called pot, J Edgar Hoover. Christ, the stick up your butt must have a stick up *its* butt.”

“Meh, gives me good posture. You know, the Army gives tranquilizers and other drugs to soldiers, especially snipers. Diazepam is a muscle relaxant. It helps you hold still for a long time.”

“Our tax dollars hard at work, I guess.”

“You’re funny. Most people can’t handle my fucked-up stories or think I’m making it all up.”

“Buddy, I spent two years in Catholic school. That place was pretty fucked up too.”

“I can only imagine how much that must have sucked for someone like you. At least guys have more leeway to threaten and defend themselves.”

“Is this just a fling? A one-night stand? Am I ever going to see you again?”

“Normally I’m a hit and quit kind of guy, but I see something more long term with you.”

“Smooth move, Romeo.”

“I’m serious. I’m tired of the John Wayne bullshit. All I want now is a steady paycheck, a wife, and kids. Assuming I survive the war, that is.”

“The way you’re talking isn’t normal. Your face doesn’t look normal. You do realize that right?”

“For me, normality is a vague and distant memory. Some German guy said when you stare into the abyss, it stares back into you. He also said life is wandering without purpose. Not exactly a merry ray of sunshine, that guy.”

“Nietzsche. The syphilitic, existentialist philosopher. He once broke down in tears after seeing a horse get whipped. Personally, I think he was secretly a really smart, sweet guy.”

“Me too. I can relate to him. Weird, right?”

Not long after that, we drifted off to sleep. I’ve never slept better. I awoke to sound of birds chirping and the sight of early morning sunshine pouring into the room through the gaps in the blinds. It was a kind of resurrection. She rolled over and spoke.

“You hungry? I’m dying for some avocado toast.”

“Sounds good. I haven’t had a good cup of coffee in forever.”

“Let’s walk and talk. Tell me more about the war.”

“We got Charlie on the ropes in the Central Highlands. Things are going to hell in a handbasket everywhere else though.”

“Charlie? Like the cartoon tuna fish?”

“No, Charlie is short for Victor Charlie, which is VC in the Army alphabet. VC is short for Viet Cong which means red Vietnamese, that is communist Vietnamese.”

“Interesting. I did not know that. Can you speak Vietnamese?”

“Yeah. Learned it at the Defense Language Institute in California. They’ve been churning out lots of Vietnamese linguists lately.”

“Well, that’s good. Do you know any other languages?”

“I studied Russian in college as it seems to be the most important foreign language these days. Once I get out of the Army, I’ll try to get some government job. Failing that, I might just become a freelance translator. There’s a lot of great science fiction being written in Russian and very little of it gets translated. I suppose I could try to be a diplomat to Vietnam later. Regardless of who wins, we’re going to have relations with them.”

“You have a lot of interesting options, but your mental health worries me.”

“Yeah. It’s why I plan on getting out of the Army in after my last two years are up. And you? What are your plans?”

“I’d like to get into politics, but it’ll be a hell of an uphill battle.”

“Uphill battles, literal and figurative, are my specialty. Over there, I spend most of my time waging political and psychological warfare. It gets better results than overkill through carpet bombing and such. Let’s walk and talk some more over by the James Rumsey monument. If you haven’t seen it before, I think you’ll like it.”

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

72 Comments

  1. Aloysious

    “What do you think about communism?”

    • Aloysious

      Stupid fat fingers.

      Stupid squirrels.

      I liked it. I will now go to the stool of shame.

  2. Suthenboy

    There is some aspect to this I can relate to. Maybe too much.

  3. Fourscore

    ““We got Charlie on the ropes in the Central Highlands.”

    Until Tet 1968.

    • Tres Cool

      Now that’s offensive.

    • Suthenboy

      Like the fake wars today the TPTB never intended to win that war.

  4. Fourscore

    “I could try to be a diplomat to Vietnam later. Regardless of who wins, we’re going to have relations with them.”

    The CIA called it Air America. Now it’s called trade

    Vietnam’s Top Trading Partners

    Below is a list showcasing 10 of Vietnam’s top trading partners. These are countries that imported the most Vietnamese shipments by dollar value during 2021. Also shown is each import country’s percentage of total Vietnamese exports.

    United States: US$96.3 billion (28.7% of total Vietnamese exports)
    China: $55.9 billion (16.7%)
    South Korea: $21.9 billion (6.5%)
    Japan: $20.1 billion (6%)
    Hong Kong: $12 billion (3.6%)
    Netherlands: $7.7 billion (2.3%)
    Germany: $7.3 billion (2.2%)
    India: $6.3 billion (1.9%)
    Thailand: $6.1 billion (1.8%)
    United Kingdom: $5.8 billion (1.7%)

    We could have saved a lot of troops and treasure but Ike got fed the Domino Theory and JFK got hooked as well.

    • juris imprudent

      McMaster laid most of the blame on LBJ and Kennedy’s “smart guys”. Goddamn how I would like to corner him and ask which Bundy brother he played in the Trump admin. At least there wasn’t an egregious bodycount.

      • The Last American Hero

        I listened to that bastard try to explain why it was important to be in Afghanistan 9 years after killing Osama. A friendly interviewer and open mic for an hour basically amounted to “the terrorists will win”.

      • Brochettaward

        America has a really naive notion of war. And it’s not just the idiot rube or peasants. Our leadership class likes to sell themselves on the big lie that they are improving the places they bomb. Establishing democracy and spreading progressive values. The fact that it enriches the military industrial complex is just a bonus.

        We needed to be in Afghanistan forever so that there would be rights for Afghan girls. Shit like that.

      • Gustave Lytton

        said when you stare into the abyss, it stares back into you

        All that time spent researching and writing Dereliction of Duty rubbed off on himself.

  5. juris imprudent

    Well that’s a mischaracterization of Nietzsche almost worthy of Otto in A Fish Called Wanda.

    • ron73440

      “Apes don’t read philosophy, Wanda!”

      “Yes they do, Otto, They just don’t understand it.”

  6. Derpetologist

    from deepthinkers.net:

    ***
    Nietzsche was a man of great complexity, with a personality that was both fascinating and challenging. He was known for his sharp intellect, his wit, and his ability to engage in deep philosophical discussions.

    However, Nietzsche also struggled with mental and physical health issues throughout his life. He suffered from migraines, vision problems, and various other ailments that often left him bedridden for days at a time.

    In addition to his physical health struggles, Nietzsche also experienced mental health issues, including depression and anxiety. He wrote extensively about his struggles with these conditions, often using his own experiences as a way to explore the human condition more broadly.

    Despite these challenges, Nietzsche was known for his intense passion for life. He believed in living fully and embracing the world around him, even in the face of adversity. He was deeply interested in art, music, and literature, and he often drew inspiration from these fields in his philosophical work.

    Nietzsche was also known for his unconventional views on morality and religion. He rejected traditional Christian morality and instead championed a philosophy of individualism and self-expression. He believed that people should be free to live as they choose, without being constrained by societal norms or expectations.

    Nietzsche had a complex relationship with romantic love. He believed that traditional romantic love was overrated and fleeting, and that the highest form of human bond was friendship. He argued that if you intend to be with someone for the rest of your life, it makes sense to marry someone you actually enjoy talking to. Nietzsche believed that conversation was the foundation of a strong relationship, and that feelings of romantic love and lust would inevitably decline over time.

    Nietzsche’s views on love were shaped by his broader philosophy of individualism and rejection of societal norms. He believed that people should be free to choose their own partners based on their own values and desires, rather than conforming to traditional expectations.
    ***

    • Suthenboy

      Self proclaimed deepthinkers eh? The name reeks of ‘If you dont believe they are smart, just ask ’em.’.
      I am not familiar with them so it could be tongue in cheek for all I know.

    • juris imprudent

      Yeah, that’s bit more on point than syphilitic existentialist.

      • Derpetologist

        wikipedia sez:

        ***
        Among the earliest figures associated with existentialism are philosophers Søren Kierkegaard, Friedrich Nietzsche and novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky, all of whom critiqued rationalism and concerned themselves with the problem of meaning.
        ***

      • pistoffnick

        Syphilis does affect your mind.

    • The Last American Hero

      His views on love were based on his inability to get a girlfriend.

      As for the health issues, he should have just willed himself to power.

    • R.J.

      I’ve been looking for anything on that situation. Seems really messed up. America, 2035?

    • Suthenboy

      “Show me how to do that.”
      “Why? People are delicate creatures. It’s easy to learn how to hurt them. They break easy. Why dont you learn the hard part – how to help them.”
      I may have overheard that conversation a time or two.

      One of my favorite movie scenes, posted before, but worth a watch every time. The point cant be emphasized enough.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQQd3Tq5iDE

      • ron73440

        Didn’t he die in a concentration camp?

        I think I remember reading that he was mad at Hitler because his girlfriend or wife was taken away for being half Jewish, but that was a few years ago, so I’m not sure.

      • Derpetologist

        ***
        August Landmesser, the lone German refusing to raise a stiff right arm amid Hitler’s presence at a 1936 rally, had been a loyal Nazi.

        Landmesser joined the Nazi Party in 1931 and began to work his way up the ranks of what would become the only legal political affiliation in the country.

        Two years later, Landmesser fell madly in love with Irma Eckler, a Jewish woman, and proposed marriage to her in 1935.

        After his engagement to a Jewish woman was discovered, Landmesser was expelled from the Nazi Party.

        Landmesser and Eckler decided to file a marriage application in Hamburg, but the union was denied under the newly enacted Nuremberg Laws.

        The couple welcomed their first daughter, Ingrid, in October 1935.
        ***

        Here I will note that marriage licenses, like other licenses, have often been used as a method of coercion. There was a libertarian who refused to have a driver’s license for decades.

        ***
        When Badnarik moved to Texas, he did not obtain a driver’s license, due to that state’s requirement that an applicant provide a Social Security Number and fingerprint.

        In his book Good to Be King Badnarik suggests that it is unnecessary to have a driver’s license to drive,[28] that the IRS has no Constitutional authority to collect taxes,[29] and that common law marriages are valid in all 50 states.[30]
        ***

  7. Tres Cool

    And is this mattress guy doing a performance art piece ?

    • R.J.

      Maybe he is hoofing it out of there with the only nice thing he has.
      Does look like a new mattress though. Maybe he just bought it?

  8. Derpetologist

    As for Haiti, it’s best to ponder how people in a country which originated in one of history’s few successful slave revolts would have a different perspective on the question of whether might makes right.

    The rule of law requires long periods of peace and prosperity, which is usually the result of some strongman’s rule. I agree with Hobbes on this. The history of the Middle East since 2011 is a case study in the relative merits of stability vs liberty.

    It’s possible to have a multicultural society that is stable, prosperous, and free. Singapore has one, though it requires a harsh system of laws and the wise rule of a single leader (Lee Kuan Yew) for decades.

    • ron73440

      One of the Government workers in my office is going to Singapore for work next month, so she has training to prepare for the country.

      She was so impressed that there is no homelessness, because everyone that’s homeless is employed to clean streets and stuff like that.

      She also loves the fact that there are cameras everywhere and wishes America would implement these things.

      All of the other people in the office agreed with her wholeheartedly with me being the only dissenter.

      • Suthenboy

        I find that…disgusting.
        I suppose it is inborn in most of us to impose our will on others.

      • ron73440

        When she was gushing about the homeless, and I said that it’s either work or get beaten and I have no desire for cameras everywhere, they look at me the same way they did when I asserted (without evidence apparently) that masks don’t do anything.

    • Suthenboy

      Haiti – only successful because the French walked off and left it to satisfy demands for military resources elsewhere.
      The slaves left were completely illiterate and demoralized. Their education was less than nothing, all they knew was the lash.
      Culturally recovering from that is nearly impossible. Without some extraordinary intervention they are doomed to be what they are now for as far into the future as one can see.

  9. Brochettaward

    I, Firster. The name of my sixth memoir.

    • Brochettaward

      No Firster has ever written as many memoirs. Because they’ve never had the material that called for them.

  10. Festus

    I’ve figured out Donald’s new tactic for the next election – shorter red ties. He came out in front of the press and he was actually wearing a non-clown length tie. I’d share it with you but Youtube only wants to show us clips from three years ago for some reason or another.

    • Ownbestenemy

      He wasn’t insane..at least in the first 5 minutes I watched.

    • creech

      Now if he would just stuff the tie in his mouth…..

      • Festus

        You never Trumpers amuse me. He’s a dickwad and a blowhard but what choice do you have? I’ve watched both of our countries go to absolute shit over the last three years and you hold your noses and let them win again?

      • creech

        No choice. But I’m certain my voting for Trump or an LP candidate is not going to affect the outcome.

      • dbleagle

        Creech has a valid point. OMB should shut up and listen to his advisors on how to win. He is in a real danger of flapping his gums into a loss.

  11. Ownbestenemy

    Are members of Congress trying to get around the ex post facto portion of the Constitution to ‘get Trump’? If anything, Trump has opened the underbelly of shitty American politics.

  12. Derpetologist

    I got a gal’s number from an online dating site 2 weeks ago. She insists that I download Telegram, an encrypted Russian app even though we’ve been communicating just fine via regular texting. I asked her if she’s from Russia, and she said she has family there. She claims to live in Jacksonville, FL, and has a cell number with a US area code.

    Not sure what to make of the situation. Is it scam, just plain stupidity, a clumsy entrapment attempt by the feds, or an elicitation by a Russian spy? Not sure. Whoever it is, they know idiomatic US English.

    • Brochettaward

      I mean, hopefully if it is a trap its a honepot and you get to fuck a hot Russian agent.

      • Derpetologist

        None of the guys who banged Maria Butina got in trouble. She’s the first person I’ve ever met to use Telegram. I told her truthfully that I have no apps on my phone because I don’t have a data plan.

    • The Last American Hero

      Be careful. If you text her3000 times, become a da, then try try to railroad a president while using her as prosecutor, it could come back to haunt you.

    • creech

      May be a scam. Tell her you just got a job interview in St. Augustine and you’ll meet her for drinks on Friday nite. See if she has an excuse not to meet you. (If she says “sure”, then call her Wednesday and say the interview fell through.). Don’t be shocked if she asks you for a loan soon for some emergency.

      • Derpetologist

        Over the past 10 years, 3 or 4 women have hit me up for money after we started texting. They usually ask for money quickly, if that’s what they want.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Hey, good plan-I like it. Better listen Derp, this sounds scammy as hell.

  13. Festus

    Emily Compagno is the hottest Fox news babe. That is is all.

  14. Gustave Lytton

    Viet Cong which means red Vietnamese, that is communist Vietnamese.”

    Likewise Khmer Rogue.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      I don’t know if I can take a Canadian band that’s not Rush this early in the morning.

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean, Stinky, Teh Hype, and U!

      This morning I remembered to eat my yogurt BEFORE I left for work. We’ll see if it holds me until my “elevensies” Atkins shake.

      • UnCivilServant

        Morning.

        If I keep waking up when I did this morning, I’ll be lined up with the clock change friday,

      • Gender Traitor

        Does it give you enough time to do what needs to be done before work?

      • UnCivilServant

        It’d be bracketted in where my alarms are set too go off.

  15. robodruid

    Morning All:
    So i am seeing more talk about justice Sotomayor retiring.
    Is this a concession that Trump will win?

  16. Ownbestenemy

    All in the name of Trump.

    https://www.axios.com/2024/03/04/jamie-raskin-trump-ballot-ruling-supreme-court

    Top Democrat “working on” bill responding to Trump ballot ruling

    Also going to pair it with a resolution that will officially declare Jan 6th a “insurrection”… The FBI is salivating for that so they can really justify their roundup of anyone that momentarily thought of Jan 6th from their bedrooms in states 2500 miles away. I would think this fits the whole ex post facto marker and definitely arbitrary and capricious, but we know that doesn’t matter to any politician.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      Stands a snowball’s chance in hell of passing but it does a pretty good job of revealing their hand.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I laugh a bit that Raskin thinks merely declaring a day in a resolution makes it so. FBI et al have all said ‘nah’ to insurrection charges cause they know it wouldn’t hold up to appeals, hence they went about the obscure charges; which are looking to be on its last leg too.

  17. Fourscore

    Mornin’, All y’all. Another fine day, warmer than average though close to seasonal.

    I measured ground frost yesterday, top 6-8 inches thawed out. Lakes are still frozen but the ice is black, no one hardwater fishing. I’m going to put my 2 little aluminum fishing boats up for sale. I haven’t used them in a couple years, tough for me to get in/out alone and all my fishing buddies, the few that are left, suffer the same problem.

  18. Grosspatzer, Superstar

    Mornin’, reprobates!

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, ‘patzie, cav973, and 4(20)!

      Time for me to hit the road to work. 😐