Joemala: Episode 221

by | Jul 22, 2024 | Joemala | 213 comments

“Daddy!” Hunter said, incongruous in a suit and tie, “Daddy, I can’t believe this happened!”

“What happen-happen-happened?” Joe said, startled away.

“Why aren’t you running for re-election?” Hunter asked.

“I’m running for re-election?”

From Hunter’s suit pocket, Dark Cracky laughed.

“You look nice, son,” Joe said. “Come here.”

Hunter crossed to his father, medical trash and dried bodily fluids crunching under his feet, the Oval Office smell of piss and disinfectant hitting him in the face. He went in to hug Joe on his hospital bed. Joe met his filial kiss open-mouthed, his dry, ancient tongue probing Hunter tightly-pressed lips.

“I saw the letter,” Hunter said, settling on the bed to lay beside his father.

“Oh, that letter,” Joe said, his eyes lighting. “D-d-don’t believe it son. It’s a, you know, a trap, for whatshisname, the guy with the hair.”

“Trump? It’s a trap for Trump?”

“The Black girl’s idea,” Joe said. “She’s pretty smart for one of them.”

On cue, The Cackle echoed through the halls; the two of them froze like rabbits when the shadow of a hawk crosses a field. The fetid stench of a full diaper made Hunter pull away.

“I need a pardon, Daddy. You have to pardon me before they push you out completely.”

The Cackle again, closer this time.

“A pardon?” Joe asked. “You’ve never done anything wr-ong. You’re’er my beautiful boy.”

“A pardon, remember the pardon.”

A shrill alarm began, Joe flatlining.

“FINNEGAN!” Hunter screamed, getting up. “WHERE ARE YOU?”

The Cackle, The Cackle again. Joe’s body shuddered violently as his implanted defibrillator fired.

“No more,” Joe said, clutching his chest.

“FINNEGAN!” Hunter cried again. “BRING THE SERUM!”

“She’s gone, Hunter, you junkie piece of shit,” Kamala said, strutting into the Oval Office. “She left last night. I revoked her security clearance.”

“What? How could you do that? Daddy needs her!” Hunter insisted.

“He can find someone else to feed him oatmeal and play grab-ass with,” Kamala said, her press-on nails bright blood on clawed hands.

“I won’t let you do this,” Hunter said quietly.

“Do you need to be escorted out?” Kamala asked, her hyena smile wide.

A short wide figure entered, the stench of roses and death announcing her.

“You!” Hunter hissed. “I should have known!”

Hillary wrapped her arms around Kamala from behind and smiled, “Sisters are doin’ it for themselves.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Once you have recovered from this piece, be sure to see Prince of the North Tower at 1500.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

213 Comments

  1. The Late P Brooks

    her hyena smile

    Bravo.

  2. OBJ FRANKELSON

    Fade to black.

    ‘Fin’ title card.

    Kubrick would be proud.

  3. The Late P Brooks

    Finnegan is free to begin a new life of freedom and meaning, far from the fetid incestuous stench of Washington.

    Or not.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Her Daddy is still Hunter.

      So definitely “not”.

    • db

      What can be, unburdened by what has been?

  4. Tonio

    On cue, The Cackle echoed through the halls; the two of them froze like rabbits when the shadow of a hawk crossed a field. The fetid stench of a full diaper made Hunter pull away.

    A beautiful one-two punch of horror.

    • Nephilium

      Why… So… Serious?

  5. Bobarian LMD

    Hyena smile… with matching pseudo-penis?

  6. Tonio

    My country had a coup, and all I got was this lousy tax bill.

  7. The Other Kevin

    I haven’t even read this and I’m already laughing at the feature image.

  8. creech

    This ain’t over by a long shot. BHO and Michelle have yet to be heard from. I doubt they will allow the Clinton woman to prevail without a huge fight.

  9. kinnath

    Called it.

  10. The Other Kevin

    There is some talk about Joe not being seen all weekend. I think it was discussed in the last thread. Once again SF is probably closer to the truth than anyone else.

    And nobody on X liked my Konstantine Chernenko photo.

  11. EvilSheldon

    I worry about SugarFree. Exposure to this kind of eldritch horror is probably cumulative…

    • UnCivilServant

      You build up a resistance to it – or you run out of sanity points and become immune.

    • slumbrew

      Krantzberg Syndrome

    • DEG

      Negative sanity? I thought it stopped at zero.

    • OBJ FRANKELSON

      I suppose if small does raise your resistance, SF is basically Mithridates VI at this point. I fear it is more of a Mercury poisoning situation though.

  12. Suthenboy

    Watching the hearings where Cheadle is being questioned.
    I have been saying that the old saying ‘never ascribe to malice what can be explained by incompetence’ doesnt cover this because incompetence cannot be sufficient to describe what happened in the trump shooting.
    If you disagreed with me before I find it difficult to believe any honest person disagrees with me now.

    • slumbrew

      In much the same way that peak derp will never be attained, peak incompetence is purely theoretical.

      I am totally willing to believe the USSS is capable of this monkey-fucking-a-football levels of fuck-up-ery.

      • The Other Kevin

        What was the story about the EV chargers? They had millions of dollars and only built 8 or something? We have a huge crisis of incompetence and that can easily include the USSS.

        However, it’s not hard to believe this was malicious compliance from someone higher up. The knew the work was shoddy, but didn’t do anything because it was Trump and they were hoping someone would do them a favor and take him out. Very similar to election cheating. That’s my current theory.

      • Semi-Spartan Dad

        For the EVs, I don’t think that’s as much incompetence as graft.

        I don’t believe that politicians, NGOs, etc are as stupid as everyone likes to say. When one considers their true motive to grab as much money and power as possible, rather than the stated aims of helping [insert economy, environment, X group, etc], their actions become quite rationale.

      • ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

        I am 100% with you on both counts, TOK. Things were allowed to be sloppy, with the hope that the right things would happen. Which, coincidentally, the left/Dems have been talking up for years in a This Is So Bad, Won’t Someone Take Care of IT way.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        I suspect the EV charger thing isn’t as bad as it first appears (not good, just not as bad). Billions have been budgeted but probably not spent. That said, they probably have wasted millions on committees to study the feasibility of establishing groups to consider hiring consultants to study the impacts of locating chargers in impacted communities and to make sure no endangered species are harmed. A competent agency would have found some low hanging fruit by now to install hundreds of chargers for PR purposes at a minimum.

      • Suthenboy

        EVs, EV chargers, Gaza pier, Astronauts, Ukraine, Israel aid, Infrastructure, Inflation reduction….what else? Yes, they absolutely do fuck up everything they touch but the pile-up of not just one or two or three or four things but absolutely EVERYTHING about the Trump shooting is a bit over the top. This, by people that have been foaming at the mouth about stopping Trump at any cost by any means necessary? I am not buyin’ it.

      • Fourscore

        And that was the successes, Suthen, they spent well, the contractors/workers didn’t meet expectations

    • kinnath

      Imposing DEI mandates on the Secret Service was intentional.

      Assigning an overweight woman that can’t handle a firearm to Trump’s details was certainly intentional.

      Providing bare minimum security to Trump and pushing everything else to the locals was intentional.

      But, I don’t believe anyone actually thought/hoped that this would result in an assassination attempt.

      So, malicious? Yes. Incompetence? Absolutely. A conspiracy to get Trump killed? I don’t believe that.

    • Drake

      The nice thing about incredible levels of DEI inspired incompetence is that a little bit of malice goes unnoticed.

      • Suthenboy

        It is not a little bit of malice. It goes beyond Machiavellian to Faustian. They want to watch the world burn.
        “Everything that exists deserves to perish” – Marx

    • R C Dean

      What I am now hung up on is that the last timeline I saw showed the SS snipers spotted the shooter on the roof 20 minutes before he shot, and didn’t shoot him for 26 seconds after his first shot. He could in no way have been mistaken for a cop, and had a rifle, so he was a legitimate shoot-on-sight target for 20 minutes. And certainly after his first shot.

      So were they waiting for approval? Is that their standard ROE, even with an active shooter plinking away at their (alleged) protectee? I find that, well, impossible to believe. Was there a different ROE for this event? If so, who approved it, and when? Or did they just hold fire until it was clear the attempt had failed?

      To me, the SS snipers’ failure is worse than the failure to secure the roof, and is the thing that seems most likely to have been intentional, not incompetence.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Why do I feel the need to parse these statements closer than Bill Clinton’s deposition? Don’t have to ask for permission so they… asked for confirmation that it was a valid target, or they needed clearance not permission, or they needed to get approval to engage not shoot?

      • Drake

        I don’t believe her. With local and state cops all over the place, of course they have to ask for clearance to shoot somebody. The shooter was 20 yards from another another team of cops and kind of dressed like them.

      • R C Dean

        I don’t think he was dressed, or acting, anything like a cop, Drake.

        Even if the 20 minute delay is understandable due to having way too many agencies and craptacular comms and control, why hold fire after he starts shooting, and then put him down only when its clear the assassination attempt failed?

  13. DEG

    “He can find someone else to feed him oatmeal and play grab-ass with,” Kamala said, her press-on nails bright blood on clawed hands.

    “I won’t let you do this,” Hunter said quietly.

    “Do you need to be escorted out?” Kamala asked, her hyena smile wide.

    Hunter should have done a better job fucking Kamala.

    • SugarFree

      He’s been saving up his essence for Karine.

      • slumbrew

        “Gold star, Hunter, gold star”

      • DEG

        I’d like to think he banged both.

  14. kinnath

    I’m not providing a link. Guess the rag . . . .

    Biden’s Brilliant Exit Bewilders Trump.

    • R.J.

      No point. It will be every rag by noon tomorrow.

    • The Other Kevin

      Vox?

    • Old Man With Candy

      Salon? Guardian? Kos?

      • Suthenboy

        Is Kos still a thing?
        *DDG…click*
        Well, whaddyaknow. And a big ‘ol shiny new Harris ad ‘n everything.

      • Old Man With Candy

        When I was with Tomb Raider, she would constantly get push notifications from Kos on her phone. I asked the same question. If looks could kill, I got a Holocaust.

    • Raven Nation

      From the article (I won’t give away the source):

      “Everyone I know reported feeling sad when they heard the news. Joe Biden has been an excellent president, far exceeding the expectations of many of us.”

      • Fourscore

        He did, in fact, exceed my expectations. From the beginning I thought his numbers were numbered

    • cavalier973

      Salon

      Article is by Heather Digby Partin

      • Ted S.

        Is she a naked intruder?

    • cavalier973

      Since the night of the debate, I was fairly convinced that the Biden candidacy was over. I kept an open mind, thinking maybe he really was just under the weather that night but it had opened the floodgates of concerns that had been out there for a while.

      Tell me you are an imbecile without actually speaking the words.

      • SugarFree

        There needs to be a term, like Poe’s Law, about not being able to tell if someone is imbecilic or a shill.

        Imbeciles can be forgiven (but not tolerated;) shills need to be ground into a fine powder to make rich the sterile soil of social media.

        Sisson’s Febrility?

    • cavalier973

      “Our guy drooped out, and that means we are winning!”

      • The Other Kevin

        Vivek is on Trump’s team and he’s been saying for over a year there is no way Biden is the candidate. They saw this coming a mile away.

      • cavalier973

        Trump said that Biden wouldn’t be the nominee back in December.

        More recently, Trump said (or implied) that Harris would be easier to defeat than Biden.

      • cavalier973

        Trump may be wrong in his assessment, but it’s clear he’s not “bewildered”.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      To be fair, I’m bewildered that he was President longer than one year.

  15. R.J.

    Oh yes! Yes!

    I can smell this story like I was there.

  16. juris imprudent

    froze like rabbits when the shadow of a hawk crossed a field

    Sheer brilliance.

    Wife and I were walking the dogs the other day and noticed a pair of rabbits – frozen – in our neighbors yard. No movement so the dogs didn’t react – thankfully.

    • EvilSheldon

      Everybody remembers Daria, right? Does anyone remember Daria’s little sister and her recurrent fantasy about having hot guys fight over her, while she watches and unconvincingly croons, “No, stop fighting, this is horrible…”

      That’s exactly how I feel right here.

      • Tundra

        O sweet meteor of death, why won’t you return?

      • UnCivilServant

        Everybody remembers Daria, right?

        No.

        What was it?

      • Tundra

        A terrific show on MTV. She was a character on Beavis and Butthead and was such a good character she got her own show.

      • Ted S.

        Daria was an explorer, wasn’t she.
        ?

      • UnCivilServant

        show on MTV

        That explains it. Cable cost money, and we was poor.

      • SDF-7

        Of course I remember Quinn Morgendorfer and the Js (Joey, Jeffie and Jamie… though she never remembered Jamie’s name).

        And her attempts to be deep… “The greasy fry… it can not lie… its truth is written… on your thigh.”

    • PieInTheSky

      scenes like that strike fear in the heart of the far right.

    • SDF-7

      Jesus… how many f’ing months of Pride Parades do these people need, anyway?

      • Gustave Lytton

        Until the frogs turn gay.

  17. Old Man With Candy

    Once you have recovered from this piece…

    I will never recover from this piece.

    • Ted S.

      Are you sure that’s not the Manischewitz hangover talking?

      • ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

        Wait, are you saying Jews wine?

      • SDF-7

        I thought he was talking about Tomb Raider.

  18. The Late P Brooks

    Tragic ending

    Sitting in the Oval Office behind the iconic Resolute desk in 2022, an animated President Joe Biden described the challenge of leading a psychologically traumatized nation.

    The United States had endured a life-altering pandemic. There was a jarring burst of inflation and now global conflict with Russia invading Ukraine, as well as the persistent threat to democracy he felt Donald Trump posed.

    How could Biden possibly heal that collective trauma?

    “Be confident,” he said emphatically in an interview with The Associated Press. “Be confident. Because I am confident.”

    But in the ensuing two years, the confidence Biden hoped to instill steadily waned. When the 81-year-old Democratic president showed his age in a disastrous debate against Trump in June, he lost the benefit of the doubt and on Sunday withdrew as his party’s nominee.

    Don’t worry. His asshole still tastes like strawberry ice cream.

    • slumbrew

      “global conflict”

      ¿que?

      I feel bad for Ukraine, but that’s not a “global conflict”.

    • SDF-7

      Because nothing says healing the nation like a spittle-flecked speech in front of a blood red backdrop flanked by Marines calling your political opponents and their supporters enemies of said nation…. Don’t leave that part out there, AP.

  19. The Late P Brooks

    David Axelrod, a former senior adviser to Obama, said history would treat Biden kinder than voters had, not just because of his legislative achievements but because he defeated Trump.

    “His legacy is significant beyond all his many accomplishments,” Axelrod said. “He will always be the man who stepped up and defeated a president who placed himself above our democracy.

    “That, alone, is an historic accomplishment.”

    He donned his rusty clanking suit of armor and slew the pantomime dragon. For this we will always be grateful.

    • The Other Kevin

      At best, Biden will be remembered as a worse version of Carter. He ushered in a recession and brought us near open war with Russia. But people are going to remember the senility most of all. There is money to be made in tell-all books, I think we’re going to see stories about just how bad he was.

      • Sean

        We already know he’s a traitorous pedophile who sold out his country.

        How much worse can it get?

      • Nephilium

        More senile than Reagan, didn’t even do the same amount of good that Carter did.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        VP Harris will make a mint after writing her inside baseball tell all NYT bestseller sometime during Trump’s second term, God willing.

      • ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

        Make a mint? Or receive pay offs?

      • Suthenboy

        It’s govt. Sean. No matter how bad you think it is, it is exponentially worse. Just when you think it cant get any worse, it does.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Biden will be remembered as a worse version of Carter.

        If only.

      • SDF-7

        Yeah — I’m assuming once the culprits are safely past statutes of limitations or other safety zones, we’ll finally get confirmation of what everyone knows… that the Biden Crime Family was selling access for millions for years. That and being worse than Carter in general will be his legacy in the long run, I expect.

      • Sean

        @Suthen

        I mean, I guess we could find out he was eating babies…

        *shrug*

  20. Sean

    I’ll give it 5 out of 5.
    🥥🥥🥥🥥🥥

  21. The Late P Brooks

    I feel bad for Ukraine, but that’s not a “global conflict”.

    They’re working on it. these things take time.

  22. Raven Nation

    My wife was watching a replay of the Cheadle hearings from this morning. My goodness, Rep. Nancy Mace went after her all guns blazing.

    • Tundra

      It’s all theater though until heads actually roll.

      • juris imprudent

        Heads roll? That’s Nazi talk!!!

        You just remember, we don’t have accountability here anymore sir – except for hate speech; that you can be held accountable for!

      • Raven Nation

        Hah! My wife just said exactly the same thing.

      • Tundra

        Here’s the clip.

        Nancy is pretty hot. And kind of mean.

      • Drake

        Yes she is – my type for better or worse.

      • Ted S.

        But you’re not hot.

      • The Other Kevin

        AOC of all people went after her, and sounded reasonable for the first time ever. They might actually do something this time.

      • Suthenboy

        “…pretty hot. And kind of mean.”

        *sly smile, raised eyebrows*

        Oh? Go on….

      • SugarFree

        AOC of all people went after her

        Even illiterates can occasionally read the writing on the wall.

  23. cavalier973

    The proggie froggies lied about Biden’s electability.

    Should we really expect them to tell the truth about Harris’s electability?

    • Sean

      It’s gonna be a full court press of lies and propaganda.

    • juris imprudent

      You would think they’d expect her to lose, what with the country crawling with racists and misogynists.

      • ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

        They have already been writing that into the script.

  24. The Late P Brooks

    Should we really expect them to tell the truth about Harris’s electability?

    She’s the best candidate they have. She’s the pick of the litter.

    • PieInTheSky

      I don’t think even the most delusional believes that

    • SugarFree

      No… there’s another…

      THE RISE OF BIG MIKE.

      • PieInTheSky

        Big Mike needs to whip his cock out during the DNC and it’s over

      • Tundra

        Big Mike

        Did you write this?

      • SugarFree

        That is just amazing.

      • Gdragon

        Saw that trailer this morning, too fucking funny.

      • bacon-magic

        I knew you were Yoda!

      • Gdragon

        “What this party needs right now is someone with some fucking balls!”

        zippppppppp!!!!!!! thud.

        “How about that? Does that energize your base?”

  25. Tundra

    From Hunter’s suit pocket, Dark Cracky laughed.

    Hands down my fave character.

    So, assuming Sundown is still sentient, when does he pardon Hunter? I’m not sure I would wait for January.

    • Sean

      My money is on soon. Dropping out of the race changes the rules.

    • Nephilium

      Wouldn’t it be possible now to argue that any pardon that Biden granted couldn’t be trusted due to his obvious mental impairment?

      • Tundra

        I’m not sure there has been any official acknowledgment, has there? Besides, senile godfather or not, the Biden crime family knows where a lot of bodies are buried. My guess is that it will be quietly swept under the rug.

        I have the perfect song.

      • juris imprudent

        You can argue that all you want, there is no limitation/qualification on what Biden does as long as he is in office.

      • ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

        They will not admit to Bidens senescence. That makes them all complicit.

        This is the reason they never pulled the curtain on him, nor invoked the 25th after the debate.

    • R C Dean

      Remember: the President can only pardon federal crimes, not state crimes. My theory is that what finally made the Bidens’ crack, err, that is to say, change their minds, was credible threats of state prosecutions against Hunter and likely other members of the family involved in money laundering. You may also recall questions about Dr. Jill’s tenure as president of some college, as well. Some shady land deal, don’t recall the deets.

      • Tundra

        Thanks, I wasn’t thinking about the state charges. Things might get a little spicy for Hunter.

  26. PieInTheSky

    Joe is pretending I tell you to root out the traitors and take them out.

    • Stinky Wizzleteats

      4-D checkers?

      • Gender Traitor

        At this point, Joe couldn’t handle Candy Land.

  27. JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

    We are truly blessed and cursed to have these extra episodes of the Sugarverse.

    Kamala seems to be turning into Dark Kamala. Hm, that sounds kind of racist.

    • juris imprudent

      OK, now I imagine her three interns/assistants [whatever they were] returning as a Greek chorus.

      • ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

        Really? I was picturing the three witches in MacBeth.

    • SugarFree

      She always was Dark Kamala. But without the assumed competence.

  28. kinnath

    This is just James Brown being lead off the stage . . . . until he shucks off the overcoat and runs back to the stage to keep singing.

  29. UnCivilServant

    Shock Prediction – Kamala Chooses Gropey Joe as her VP Candidate.

    • juris imprudent

      Klobuchar – so she has a woman everyone hates even more than they hate Kamala!

      Special K squared!

  30. The Late P Brooks

    A political party which has been waging open war on merit and competence for years cannot reasonably be expected to perform in an effective manner. EV chargers, (ex) Presidential security, border management, space tourism, national budget….

  31. The Late P Brooks

    You can argue that all you want, there is no limitation/qualification on what Biden does as long as he is in office.

    He can send Seal Team Six to Mar a Lago to bring Trump’s head back in a gunny sack. The Supreme Court said so.

    • Dr. Fronkensteen

      You mean have the Secret Service refuse extra protection of his political enemy as part of his official duties?

    • SugarFree

      Which is worse for the Secret Service, a Presidential candidate being killed on their watch, or the President being killed?

      • Tundra

        Lol. You almost got me.

      • SugarFree

        🙂

      • Gdragon

        Do we call her “President Doctor Biden” or “Doctor President Biden”? Or is it just “Presidoctor Biden”?

  32. pan fried wylie

    Chipping Pioneer on July 21, 2024 at 2:10 pm

    ChatGPT would be a better candidate than anyone else currently in play.

    “ChatGPT, gimme a complete Federal Budget” *sign, seal, ship to Capitol, dusts off hands*

  33. ron73440

    “The Black girl’s idea,” Joe said. “She’s pretty smart for one of them.”

    On cue, The Cackle echoed through the halls; the two of them froze like rabbits when the shadow of a hawk crosses a field. The fetid stench of a full diaper made Hunter pull away.

    These three lines together are pure poetry.

    • EvilSheldon

      Um, is The Cackle an independent sentience?

      • Bobarian LMD

        I look forward to future episodes of “The Kackle and the Kneepad”.

    • Fourscore

      I can’t picture Hunter pulling away

  34. The Late P Brooks

    At best, Biden will be remembered as a worse version of Carter.

    Worse version of Nixon.

    Carter actually did a couple of good things.

    • kinnath

      I used to say that Obama was dumber than Carter and dirtier than Nixon.

      And yet, Biden pales in comparison to Obama.

    • PieInTheSky

      Joe saved America from the COVID and had the best economy in HISTORY what the hell you talking bout

      • Gustave Lytton

        Sadly closer to the truth.

      • Gustave Lytton

        As will be presented in the history books. Maybe some Thaddeus Russell in fifty years will write an alternate take.

  35. The Late P Brooks

    As far as Trump assassination conspiracies go, I basically cannot allow myself to accept a vast deep state web of plotters, if for no other reason than my refusal to believe Big Egghead haven’t gamed out the consequences. Unless they are prepared operationally to impose martial law and just cancel the election, I can’t see how anybody could pretend a dead Trump is anything but a catastrophe of galactic consequence.

    • Urthona

      Right.

      I mean Democrats just tried to shore up their odds by replacing Biden. They want to keep Trump. He’s got many weaknesses.

  36. cavalier973

    M. O’bama
    Should be a shoe-in
    She’s both a man
    And she’s a woo-min

    • Sensei

      I read the NYP story. Even if the truck driver was completely in the wrong driving, if you approach his truck with a pistol you get what you get.

      • Fourscore

        He should have been up-to-date on Ron’s stoic adventures. Sometimes being right isn’t all that important.

    • Drake

      Won’t work for me, but saw it last week. The guy was an idiot.

      • Tundra

        Try this link

        But yeah, hard to blame the driver.

  37. bacon-magic

    Stephen King has got nothing on you sir. *bows and exits room as quickly as possible

  38. Ozymandias

    Put me down for the tin-foil yarmulke – I absolutely believe that Trump’s assassination was pre-planned and executed to near-perfection. Hand of God saved him; that’s it.

    EVERYTHING about it screams intentional, but meant to look like criminal negligence.

    I could list 50 reasons, but let’s start with the roof being “secured” with remarkably incurious people inside by order from higher ups, OH WHAT A COINCIDENCE A LADDER!, denials of security over and over, very few actual SS personnel on Trump’s detail and instead short incompetent women and DHS security, DOKTOR Jill having a snap rally at the same time that diverted more SS from Trump’s rally, the drone flyover by Crooks, guy using a rangefinder seen by SS and police aaaannnnnd, nothing; no internet history for the shooter, FBI got his phone aaaaaannnd, nothing.
    Incompetence does not begin to cover this. It’s amazing how everything could go so wrong and only in one direction – to make it easier for the shooter to get on a roof 130 yds from a former president and get multiple well-aimed shots off. People on the ground were yelling about this guy being on the roof for several minutes before the shot…. aaannnnddd nothing.

    And then there’s the aftermath, the curious coverage by media of *this* Trump rally, and the silence from both FBI and SS. No press briefings, no explanation of status of investigation, just stonewalling. And then the justifications!?! Lie after lie after lie being debunked in real-time.

    • kinnath

      I believe that I read that the kid bought the ladder the day of the shooting.

      • Sean

        He bought a ladder. I believe the one pictured may have been bigger than the one he reportedly purchased.*

        *Early details. I haven’t stayed current on this.

      • kinnath

        Thanks for the info

    • Compelled Speechless

      I found this video last night. It’s a really good summation of all of the evidence that it was an op. There’s some new stuff in here I still hadn’t heard that’s compelling, especially the part about a guy on Twitter that apparently works for an organization that keeps an archive of every internet device on the planet who was able to track the location data for Crook’s phone. If that part is true…….

      https://youtu.be/3Rr2n7rotrk?si=WWsH6EMKQ-fvn8Ou

    • bacon-magic

      Head of the USSS would not answer how many shell casings were on the roof. Let’s revisit this tidbit later.

      • SugarFree

        Before or after it was pressure-washed two days after the attempt?

      • juris imprudent

        It was a sloped roof – they rolled off and couldn’t be found!

    • Tundra

      Ozy!

      I am starting to come around on this. I was listening to a show where they did audio analysis of the shots and the first three seem much different than the next five. Specifically no echo, as if they were fired from inside.

      This is a stinky one for sure.

      • R C Dean

        I’ve always thought it odd they had a sniper team inside the building, with a field of fire that was toward the stage.

      • kinnath

        My wild ass guess is that everyone was looking for a shooter that was up close with a handgun.

    • Urthona

      Don’t think they would want to hand the presidency to a Republican — any of whom would have a better chance of winning the general election.

    • Gustave Lytton

      There’s a water tower across the parking lot, not much further from the rooftop. Any officers up there? Was it secured?

      • Urthona

        ahahaha

        nope

      • cavalier973

        Anonymous Conservative speculated that the water tower wasn’t a good spot to shoot from, because its prominence would have naturally drawn everyone’s notice.

    • Suthenboy

      Good to see you Ozzy.

      Wife: ” It had to be incompetence”
      Me: “Yes, it was incompetence. That is why Trump is still alive.”

    • Drake

      Also – no recorded radio communications. So no telling who said what and when in this cluster-f.

  39. The Late P Brooks

    The gravy train rumbles on

    The Biden administration has announced more than $4 billion in Environmental Protection Act (EPA) grants to cut climate pollution across 30 states.

    The grants will be disbursed through the Inflation Reduction Act (IRA) and are set to go to a total of 25 projects. The funds will be aimed at reducing greenhouse gas pollution from the transportation, electric power, commercial/residential building, industrial, agricultural and waste management sectors.

    EPA administrator Michael Regan is set to announce the selections in Pittsburgh today with Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro (D). Shapiro, the governor of a pivotal swing state, has been named as a potential running mate for Vice President Harris since President Biden’s announcement he will withdraw from his re-election campaign. Pennsylvania is set to receive $396 million under the grant. Administration officials said the selected projects could reduce emissions by 971 million metric tons by 2050.

    Business as usual. Higher and deeper.

    • Sean

      *holds out hands, with palms up*

      Thanks y’all!

    • Suthenboy

      Climate pollution?
      I heard once that no one knows how many federal agencies we have. I am guessing one of those unknowns is VANTA, Vacuous And Nebulous Terms Agency.
      Really, who makes this kind of shit up? Maybe there is no agency, maybe they hire persons familiar with the thinking of anonymous human sources as consultants for this?
      What has happened to public discourse these days?

      • Suthenboy

        ….Or maybe they hired Humpty Dumpty.

  40. Compelled Speechless

    One of your best, SF. A dark masterpiece.

    Just one criticism. Finnegan is too strong of a character to get the ax off-screen. Any chance we could get an epilogue with a slight redemption for her?

    • SugarFree

      The Biden Crime Family won’t let her free that easily.

      • Dr. Fronkensteen

        Just when I thought I was out… they pull me back in.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Have her fake her death in an op she planned with Kim Cheatle. It can be super unconvincing an full of obvious plot holes. Then she can re-emerge and start a new life somewhere less crazy, like as a maid at Alec Baldwin’s house.

  41. R C Dean

    New prediction, since my track record is so good:

    Biden is dead by the end of the month, mid-August at the latest. He has vanished, has no appearances on his schedule, his brother just said something about “enjoying whatever time we have left.” And, of course, he’s old and his health sucks.

    This would be an ideal scenario for the Dems – the state funeral, his administration’s records basically off limits for the campaign, Kamala as the new Prez with an instant honeymoon.

    • Urthona

      Rumors floating that he already died, but Democrats would be elated and capitalizing on that shit. More likely incapacitated.

      • Fourscore

        If so he left without saying Goodbye to his doctor.

      • R.J.

        See below. COVID probably has him on the ropes.

    • Fourscore

      Biden’s brother meant stealing as much as possible in the next 6 months. Not much time but have to make do.

    • SugarFree

      And they can blame COVID to whip up more hysteria.

    • R.J.

      I think Joe really does have bad COVID. That’s why he vanished.

      • Urthona

        totally possible

      • Urthona

        welp. just now they released a statement that Biden is cured of covid. so i assume we will be hearing from him soon.

      • juris imprudent

        Not possible – he’s vaccinated and boosted. This would be the worst thing in the world for Pfizer.

      • Compelled Speechless

        Surely they also have him on Paxlovid, because that’s not a fraud either.

      • Sensei

        They already mentioned he was on Paxlovid. Naturally. It’s how he got better so quickly…

    • Sean

      That’s quite a statement. I bet Barack took some offense at that…

  42. SDF-7

    This could be fun… But I’m sure no one will have Standing to challenge it.

    • Sean

      Ooooh. That would be something else.

      *giggles*

    • Drake

      The donors will.

  43. cavalier973

    Trump on TS:
    Wow, just watching the Fake News, and they’re doing their very best to turn the Worst President in the History of our Country into a “Brilliant and Heroic Leader” (He was heroic because he quit!), and to turn “Dumb as a Rock” Kamala Harris from a totally failed and insignificant Vice President into a future “Great” President. No, it just doesn’t work that way!

    • Drake

      There was the aspiring assassin and the counter-sniper. They say there was another shooter who also missed?

      Where did his bullets go? There was a sea of people behind Trump who his missed too.

      • Tundra

        Yeah, there are pretty clearly three different sound signatures. As far as the bullets, who the fuck knows. Between the SS, locals, ATF and all the rest, we’re never gonna find out.

      • Tundra

        Also, the fact that the FBI came out right away and said that the pasty worked alone tells you all you need to know.

  44. ZWAK came for the two-fisted tentacle-fighting, stayed for the crushing existential nihilism.

    If anyone wants a great rundown of all* the BS surrounding the Biden Abdication, Taibbi is your man:
    https://www.racket.news/p/whos-running-this-country?utm_source=post-email-title&publication_id=1042&post_id=146874370&utm_campaign=email-post-title&isFreemail=false&r=2n06q&triedRedirect=true&utm_medium=email

    *we have the “known-knowns, the known-unknows, but not the unknown-unknowns.”

    • Suthenboy

      I thought that question, the only one that really counts, had been put to rest. Put to rest as in “We dont talk about that.”

  45. The Late P Brooks

    No stone left unturned

    Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayrokas has named a panel of experts to conduct an independent review of the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump.

    The panel includes Janet Napolitano, the Obama-era DHS secretary; Fran Townsend, the Homeland Security adviser to President George W. Bush; former federal Judge Mark Filip, who served as Bush’s deputy attorney general; and David Mitchell, the former superintendent of Maryland State Police and former Secretary of the Department of Public Safety and Homeland Security for the State of Delaware. Other experts could be named to the panel in the coming days.

    What about Liz Cheney and Adam Kinzinger?

    • Gdragon

      Was Bloomberg too busy?

  46. Sensei

    WSJ headlines

    Harris has already secured more than half of the delegates she will need to clinch the nomination, according to a count by the Associated Press.

    Harris held calls with Democratic governors who have been mentioned as potential running mates, including Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro and North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper.

    Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer endorsed Harris. Whitmer also told the Detroit News that she wasn’t interested in being vice president.

    Harris and her allies sprang into action to consolidate support from big donors. Reid Hoffman and George Soros have lined up behind the vice president, while some call for an open process.

    Polls in recent weeks showed Harris performing slightly better than Biden in a race with Donald Trump.