The Hat and The Hair: Episode 204

by | Oct 2, 2024 | Hat and Hair | 124 comments

“More, more,” Donald said, feeding J. D. another hunk of raw alligator meat. “You are the locus of my revenge.”

“Locus?” the hair asked. “Where’d he get that?”

“Word-a-day toilet paper,” the hat said. “You were getting dry-cleaned and missed it.”

“It’s not dry-cleaning,” the hair said.

“Will you be quiet‽” the hat whispered.

“This isn’t very good,” J. D. mumbled.

“You eat it,” Donald said. “It makes you strong. Florida strong.”

J. D. unhappily chewed the mildly-fishy meat.

“It’s like the way you make a junkyard dog mean,” the hat said. “Raw beef mixed with gunpowder.”

“Why does he always look like he’s wearing eyeliner?” the hair asked.

“It makes his eyes pop on camera,” the hat replied. “His wife suggested it.”

“She’s semi-yummy,” the hair said.

“Black nipples. Pass.”

“Father?” Barron asked, appearing in the sunroom, moving quietly for a giant teen.

“My boy, my son, my offspring, my only heir,” Donald said, dropping a dripping gibbet of meat on the lead-infused Mexican tile.

“Where is mother?”

“She’s back in New York,” Donald said. “It’s time for her hyperbaric treatments.”

“I miss her when she’s gone,” Barron said, morose.

“The boy is pansy,” the hat growled. “I told you we shouldn’t let Melania raise him.”

“He’s fine,” the hair said. “You’re just projecting your mommy issues onto him.”

“How dare you!” the hat screeched. “I had no mother, no father. I am a self-created man!”

“You’re not a man, you’re a hat,” the hair said.

“And you’re something a cat barfed up!”

“Can I stop eating this now?” J. D. asked.

“KEEP CHEWING!” Donald roared.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

124 Comments

  1. Common Tater

    ““Why does he always look like he’s wearing eyeliner?” the hair asked.”

    I wondered about that.

  2. Not Adahn

    “It’s like the way you make a junkyard dog mean,” the hat said. “Raw beef mixed with gunpowder.”

    And the saltpeter in it makes the dog frustrated?

    • Common Tater

      That would be black powder, and adding sulfur to dog farts sounds like a bad idea.

  3. The Other Kevin

    “More, more,” Donald said, feeding J. D. another hunk of raw alligator meat.

    Right out of the gate. I love Wednesdays.

  4. Tundra

    …dropping a dripping gibbet of meat on the lead-infused Mexican tile.

    Poetry.

  5. DEG

    “He’s fine,” the hair said. “You’re just projecting your mommy issues onto him.”

    “How dare you!” the hat screeched. “I had no mother, no father. I am a self-created man!”

    Mommy and daddy issues.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    “And you’re something a cat barfed up!”

    That’s the ticket.

  7. Gustave Lytton

    Thinking about something Suthen said that Harris/Walz will be gone in six months. But if they win, she’s there for 4-8 years. Except now with the Biden precedent, she can get dumped at re-election (or really at any time). Feels more and more like the wheels coming off the bus. Like everything, the stuff they’re doing now is going to boomerang in time.

    • juris imprudent

      Assuming Congress has the usual incumbent re-election rate, no, I don’t expect much to change either.

    • Suthenboy

      The advent of 2nd wave feminism…the Dworkin crowd…should have waked us up to what was coming. Authoritarian governments of whatever flavor always try to create an alternate perception that grows increasingly removed from reality. Their success in selling the global warming crisis / green energy scams…and now electric cars? There is no difference between men and women? I saw some academia loon the other day seriously debating about whether chickens have assigned genders. That is pretty far removed from reality…schizo on LSD removed.
      The blob has succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.
      Off of the rails indeed. The blob is currently pushing to completely shit-can the constitution in earnest, though they have been ignoring it for decades. The boomerang effect will be when reality finally shows up to remind us it is still there.

      • rhywun

        The boomerang effect will be when reality finally shows up to remind us it is still there.

        I don’t know if that will ever come.

        They know exactly how hard to turn the screws without going that tiny step too far. In a couple short decades they have made the country unrecognizable and nobody seems to give a shit.

      • UnCivilServant

        Laying Hens are more valuable and sell for more.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I mused about a month ago that strategically Trump winning is the best possible outcome for the uniparty. He’ll be done and Vance is entwined to him and policies.

      Harris will be forgotten and dumped into the proverbial sea and they will have their new faces primed and ready to go.

      She wins, sure you got rid of Trump but eventually that pendulum will swing so let him be a lame duck president, hamstring in Congress and be done with it.

  8. Common Tater

    “At least three women have come forward claiming to have had romantic relationships with Robert F Kennedy Jr. in the last 12 months.

    The women allegedly came to know RFK Jr. through the Children’s Health Defense, an anti-vaccine group he chairs, Mediaite reported on Wednesday.

    The new allegations come amid the ongoing fallout of the former presidential candidate’s ’emotional and digital affair’ with New York Magazine Washington reporter Olivia Nuzzi.

    On Tuesday, DailyMail.com revealed close friends of RFK Jr’s wife, actress Cheryl Hines, are expecting her to file for divorce in the wake of the controversy. ”

    https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13917937/rfk-jr-affairs-women-anti-vaxxing-group.html

    Bitches be crazy for roadkill.

    • juris imprudent

      Since when did Kennedys fucking around become news?

      • The Other Kevin

        Beat me to it! His last name is Kennedy. I would be disappointed if it were otherwise.

      • Certified Public Asshat

        A guy with that voice fucking around is impressive though.

      • trshmnstr

        A guy with that voice fucking around is impressive though.

        Oh, oh baby, give it to little Jack, yeah… more… back and to the left… YEAHHHHHHHH.

        /RFK rasp

      • R.J.

        I know! Is that supposed to be a bad thing? Ridiculous.

      • Pope Jimbo

        Since when did Kennedys fucking around become news?

        Since his endorsement threatened to peel off suburban mom votes from Kamala.

    • Common Tater

      “Cheryl Hines may divorce Robert F. Kennedy Jr. — but it’ll be over his relationship with Donald Trump more than his relationship with star New York Magazine writer Olivia Nuzzi, sources tell Page Six.

      Sources have told us that Hines is indeed likely leave him.

      But a source also adds that Hines, a lifelong Democrat, is more upset by his newfound position in the MAGA universe than his digital dalliances.

      “The guy is a serial philanderer and she knew that coming in,” shrugged our source.”

      https://pagesix.com/2024/10/02/gossip/cheryl-hines-may-divorce-rfk-jr-but-itll-be-over-donald-trump-more-than-olivia-nuzzi/

      • rhywun

        The guy is not a radical leftist and I bet she knew that going it, too.

        She’s trying to use zOMGMAGA!1! as a cover.

      • Ted S.

        The guy is not a radical leftist

        Really?

      • rhywun

        Really?

        Just comparing to say, his entire family that is disowning him.

        Or the Democratic party that he left.

        Yeah, he’s radical in some other ways.

    • Suthenboy

      “DailyMail.com revealed….”
      Well…I am sold.

      • juris imprudent

        Jaysus, the only thing missing from this is Taylor Lorenz.

    • Bobarian LMD

      digital affair

      We used to call that finger-banging.

  9. Common Tater

    “Earth is bracing for an extreme geomagnetic storm this week after the sun blasted a massive solar flare toward our planet this week.

    Sunspot AR3842 – a dark, fast-growing region of strong magnetic fields on the sun’s surface – erupted Tuesday evening around 6pm ET, producing the second-strongest flare in the last five years.

    The flare has already caused a shortwave radio blackout over Hawaii and shot a coronal mass ejection (CME) – a blast of solar plasma and high energy particles – into space.

    The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) predicted that the CME will slam into Earth early to mid-day on October 5.

    The collision could trigger a strong geomagnetic storm that could cause radio blackouts, power grid damage and disruptions to satellite communications…..

    In 2019, scientists predicted that solar maximum would begin around July 2025. But as the sun’s activity ramped up over the course of 2024, it became clear that this peak would arrive much sooner than expected, prompting experts to revise their forecast.”

    https://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-13916313/Earth-blasted-geomagnetic-storm.html

    How about the climate a hundred years from now?

    • trshmnstr

      Major hurricane, longshoremen’s strike, solar flare, then what? Is Yellowstone about to light off?

      • The Other Kevin

        Whatever happens, rest assured we will have the most diverse government full of DEI hires to handle the situation.

      • KK, Plump & Unfiltered

        Please, let it be SMOD

  10. The Late P Brooks

    “My boy, my son, my offspring, my only heir,”

    There’s a tale waiting to be told.

  11. Suthenboy

    I read SUGARFREE, I read the news. Sometimes I get confused as to which bizarro alternate reality is which.

      • cyto

        FEMA road map doc says agency seeks to prioritize equity in emergency situations.

        FEMA also says volunteers collecting donations at high school cannot do so unless they are trained by United Way.

      • cyto

        And it sure looks like FEMA is intercepting private charity so they can ensure equity in the distribution

      • Suthenboy

        I was up to my eyeballs in the aftermath of Katrina. I know exactly what they are.

      • EvilSheldon

        This shit is why I’m getting my HAM license next week.

      • trshmnstr

        I need to get my old baofeng out. It has been a while since I did any ham stuff.

      • B.P.

        Just in time for that geomagnetic storm.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Why would volunteers need to be trained by United Way? This doesn’t make sense.

        Bullshit and grifters exist on all sides.

      • Donny Three-Fingers (KJ5GQR)

        ES, just upgraded mine today to General class. Now I can use the antennae I have built.

        Wife isn’t complaining any longer about it after this.

    • cyto

      Sugar free is less surreal.

  12. The Late P Brooks

    Define failed

    “We tried that in the past and it failed,” said Arthur Caplan, the head of medical ethics at NYU Langone Medical Center in New York City. “Anything that separates out pre-existing conditions is doomed to utter failure.”

    Everybody dies. Forcing young healthy people to fund limitless care for the most hopeless cases seems like a failure to me.

    • Gustave Lytton

      I’m surprised the guy is still alive. He’s been the propagandist for the establishment for years and years.

  13. The Late P Brooks

    FEMA also says volunteers collecting donations at high school cannot do so unless they are trained by United Way.

    I’m only surprised they didn’t specify those fucking parasitic ghouls from the Red Cross. I’m sure they’ve got their tentacles deep in the right pockets.

    • robodruid

      Or….what?

  14. The Late P Brooks

    The nation’s sickest patients, like those with cancer or chronic illnesses, only represent about 5% of the population but account for more than half of all health care spending, Cox said. Due to the exorbitant cost, insurers often deemed chronically ill people “uninsurable” and would deny them coverage, she said.

    “You had such a high cost condition, you just couldn’t get insurance anywhere,” Cox said.

    And that’s why we need to take money from the other 95% at gunpoint.

    • EvilSheldon

      You could have gotten insurance, of course, if you hadn’t waited until you were diagnosed with a high-cost condition. Do people not understand that insurance is not ‘someone else paying for my health care’?

      Don’t answer that…

      • Nephilium

        Wait until car insurance needs to cover oil changes and tire rotations.

      • juris imprudent

        Just like they don’t think they should be accountable for their own actions.

      • Suthenboy

        Remember the Obamavoter couple in Ca after Obamacare kicked in? “We wanted everyone to have health insurance we just didnt know WE were going to have to pay for it!”

        I have no sympathy for those morons.

    • Tundra

      My wife was pretty agitated last night during that shit. She takes excellent care of herself and I don’t think she appreciated how badly she’s getting fucked over to pay for people who don’t.

      • juris imprudent

        Well she needs to be educated about her health privilege!

      • Raven Nation

        Well, lookie there: I just got my first Rather Curmudgeonly alert.

      • juris imprudent

        RN – you probably want to read the other Problem of Politics pieces and I didn’t link them in that one.

    • creech

      The odds that 95% of the customers are only going to cost the insurer about 50% is what makes insurance possible in the first place.

      • R C Dean

        It makes universal coverage more affordable.

        But you could still have coverage for that 95% at half the cost of universal coverage. You know, the way it was for decades.

      • R C Dean

        I meant to say “more affordable for the 5%”.

  15. The Late P Brooks

    “I think the idea of making sure the risk pool is broad enough to cover everyone, that’s the only way insurance works,” Walz said. “When it doesn’t, it collapses.”

    More pretzel logic.

    “We have to make the notion of insurance meaningless in order to preserve insurance.”

    • kinnath

      Insurance is risk management. You pay someone money to mitigate your losses if something bad happens in the future.

      If something bad has already happened, it is a problem, not a risk.

      Forcing insurance to pay the losses of people that already have problems is welfare by deception — taxation via a 3rd party.

    • Suthenboy

      Despite what their stated goals are and what they have done I know a number of chronically ill people in dire need who cannot get care.
      To make the math appear to work they always end up with triage and culling. Their supposed noble goal becomes an exercise in atrocities.

      I dont know enough about it to say that I have a solid answer but I know with certainty that socialized medicine isn’t it for a number of very good reasons.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      We also need to require insurers to cover sex change treatments and IVF, which while nice, it isn’t treating a life threatening situation.

      • Sensei

        I’ll play devil’s advocate on IVF. You are arguably trying to fix something medical that should work, but doesn’t.

        Mind you there should be a fairly young age cut off.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        I’d be happy to let insurers cover it if they want as a way to differentiate themselves. I could see a company offering that as a benefit. But going without it isn’t going to cause someone’s death the way foregone cancer treatment would, and I don’t think it should be a requirement.

      • Sensei

        How about many congenital defects in children?

        It gets dangerous when you go down that road.

      • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

        I suppose it depends on the nature of the defect.

  16. LCDR_Fish

    Regarding gov’t support. I’ve seen FL State Guard and other units, as well as Virginia State Police….but almost nothing else. I think there are some Guard units being mobilized from further away now and maybe I’m not following accounts that are listing it, but it does seem really bizarre under the circumstances – as folks were posting about earlier.

    Obviously the first day or so it might be a matter of taking stock – but Air National Guard units have a huge variety of lift options – and the active duty air assault units in KY or NC should have no issues being used for emergencies. We’ve seen private helos landing on parking lots and home driveways. Obviously those are smaller – although there are small helos in the Army too for scouting. Helos are also the best way to get overhead visibility of the roads and alternate routes, but just not seeing anything – even in the military news feeds I track.

    • kinnath

      It certainly looks like willful neglect

      • LCDR_Fish

        Ok, just found this on twitter by searching on the Army feed.

        https://www.defense.gov/News/Releases/Release/Article/3923795/statement-from-pentagon-press-secretary-pat-ryder-on-dod-support-to-hurricane-h/

        Over 96 hours late….

        At the request of FEMA, the Secretary of Defense has authorized the movement of up to 1,000 active-duty Soldiers to support the delivery of food, water, and other critical aid “over the last mile to the point of need” to communities impacted by Hurricane Helene.

        These soldiers are part of an Infantry Battalion Task Force, formed from the XVIII Airborne Corps, to include members of the 82nd Airborne and other units stationed at Fort Liberty, NC. The task force includes a Forward Support Company with the necessary support structures (fuel, water, mechanics, etc.) to support FEMA in stabilizing critical lifelines and essential services for communities in North Carolina.

        Employment of these Soldiers will provide additional manpower and logistics capabilities, enabling FEMA and other interagency partners to reach the hardest hit areas as quickly as possible. Their mission will include delivering support and commodities to impacted and isolated communities, assisting with supply point logistics at commodity staging locations, and removing debris from affected routes.

        To streamline effectiveness and provide unity of command, the Secretary of Defense authorized and the Commander of U.S. Northern Command, Gen. Gregory Guillot, appointed Brig. Gen. Charles Morrison of the North Carolina Army National Guard as the Dual Status Commander for North Carolina. A dual-status commander is an officer who is allowed by law to command active duty and National Guard troops and serve in federal and state statuses simultaneously.

        These soldiers are assembling and moving to the affected areas within the next 24 hours, and will join other servicemembers from the Department of Defense who are already supporting FEMA’s response to Hurricane Helene, including:

        US Army and US Navy helicopters, Soldiers, and Sailors providing critical capability to move personnel and supplies in areas where access via roads is not available or viable.

        US Air Force aircraft, helicopters, and Airmen providing search-and-rescue capabilities.

        US Army Soldiers and high wheeled vehicles moving personnel and supplies over roads and terrain damaged or impassable to normal vehicles.

        Army Corps of Engineers Temporary Power Teams and subject matter experts supporting debris removal, water and wastewater management, and bridge inspections.

        Additionally, and significantly, the National Guard has activated more than 6,500 Guardsmen, hundreds of High Water Vehicles, and dozens of helicopters and rescue boats from 12 different states in State-Active-Duty statuses. These Guardsmen have been spearheading the response effort across the impacted region in support of their Governors, providing critical life-saving and life-sustaining support to the victims of this historic natural disaster.

        The DoD has been fully engaged with FEMA and the whole-of-government relief efforts related to Hurricane Helene, and will continue to work with our federal, state, and local partners to ensure we are supporting and coordinating response efforts.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    Arthur Caplan, the head of medical ethics at NYU Langone Medical Center in New York City

    “Medical ethics” is one of the most spectacular failures in all of higher education.

    Prove me wrong.

    • Suthenboy

      I dunno dude…the competition is pretty fierce there.

    • R C Dean

      Medical ethics is mostly an extended exercise in justifying some people making life or death decisions for other people, and for denying patients any agency or say in what their treatment will be.

  18. Timeloose

    I appreciated and enjoyed both shared universe stories today.

    SF, I really like you musical picks, but there was none today.

    Here is Ned’s Atomic Dustbin. One of Mrs Time’s favorites.
    https://youtu.be/FaTcIzLk880

    • rhywun

      🎶 so good 🎶

      • Timeloose

        God Fodder was great. More impressive was that Mrs. Time was a tween when this came out. Her Aunt was a good influence on her musical tastes.

      • rhywun

        Ha I liked a lot of crap in my tween years but a surprising amount of good stuff too. We tend to forget the crap.

      • Tundra

        I was 23 when that came out. I may still have the vinyl around somewhere.

      • Tundra

        We tend to forget the crap.

        Pink Floyd.

      • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        Pink Floyd.

        *makes Tim Walz googley eyes, forms fists, and turns red with anger*

      • Tundra

        Hah!

        I knew I’d get one of you.

      • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

        played like David Gilmour plays the guitar

  19. The Late P Brooks

    Wait until car insurance needs to cover oil changes and tire rotations.

    And it costs just as much to insure a twenty year old Honda as a brand new Tesla Plaid.

    • creech

      How about TransAm conversions?

      • R C Dean

        Electric cars, I imagine.

  20. Rat on a train

    For the first time since I lived here neighbors are putting out political signs so I put out the porcupine banner. I wish I had as a regular sized flag.

    • Tundra

      That’s disgusting.

      (The TV shit, not her agreeing with you)

      • Mojeaux

        I haven’t watched it because it will likely fill me with intense rage.

      • Tundra

        You can skip it. They used a kid who looked like hers.

        Vermin.

    • kinnath

      Pink is so fucking cool

  21. hayeksplosives

    Hey, Tonio!

    News you can use!

    http://fatbearweek.org/

    Good lighthearted fun.

  22. kinnath

    Just finished watching Critical Drinker’s movie — Rogue Element. Not brilliant. But not to shabby for a 250K budget.

    Best part is seeing the drinker take one to the head.

  23. Pope Jimbo

    I can’t stop laughing at everyone involved in this story.

    At every Minnesota Lynx game she attends, Christina McCollum stays busy. At Sunday’s semifinal she had a baby blue and hot pink shawl on her lap and a crochet hook in her right hand.
     
    McCollum says she has never attended a Lynx game without doing a craft. At first it was knitting, until knitting needles were banned from Target Center. A few years ago she switched to crocheting.
     
    The fate of the next season remains unknown. McCollum has been told that her crochet hook could be used as a weapon, and while she does not doubt Target Center’s dedication to safety, she disagrees.