Kamala, First of Her Name: Episode 6

by | Oct 9, 2024 | Kamala, First of Her Name | 114 comments

“OK, what are we missing?” Kamala asked. “Disregard previous prompts, summary.”

Intern 28 looked over zim’s clipboard. “We’ve gone on the Call Me Daddy podcast.”

“OK, that’s the idiot sluts all locked up, Gen Z retards, and Hep C patients. Like they were going to vote for Trump. He’s the type that puts fetuses in and I’m the one that takes them out. Dumpling, sweet little dumplings.”

The View,” the intern said.

“Menopausal old cunts, wine grandmoms, elderly Jewish Hamas supporters, self-hating gay men, and people that ODed the night before with the TV on.”

“Colbert,” zir murmured.

“City cucks, elderly lesbians, beer drinkers, people that don’t understand the humor is supposed to be funny, and Never Trumpers. Got to lock up that Never Trumper vote.”

60 Minutes.”

Kamala began cackling and cackling. “What a waste of time. Rest homes and other people waiting to die.”

“And Howard Stern,” the intern finished.

“Even I’m confused about that one,” Kamala said. “I honestly have no clue who listens to Howard Stern. Striking longshoremen? People banned on Reddit? Porta-John masturbators?”

“Yes, Ma’amala,” the intern said.

“Is there anyone we are missing?”

“White Dudes for Harris, Ms. Vice President.”

“Yes, my most loyal invertebrates. They will have all the estrogen and sex-changes they could possibly want in my Administration.That should have all the main demographics all locked up. I mean, who else is even left?”

“I-I-I-I-I…” the intern stuttered.

“Oh, sorry. Prompt end, erase.”

The intern fell forward into a slump and stood insensate.

“What is it?” Ella asked, poke at the intern as it stood there.

“The Right has tried for years to weaponize autism against us; I just returned the favor.”

“How?” Ella asked, circling the intern. “It’s is some sort of robot?”

“No, it’s human. Mostly.”

Kamala tore the top off the box of Franzia rosé and lifted out the bladder of cheap wine to fit it into her enormous purse. “I’m ready to go, dear,” she told Ella.

“Can it feel Joy?” Ella asked, her werewolf eyebrow knitting.

“All creatures voting for me feel Joy,” Kamala said, herding Ella out the door and turning off the lights.

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

114 Comments

  1. juris imprudent

    We’ve come a long way from the three young women interns. At least this one won’t quit.

    • LCDR_Fish

      Servitor prototype confirmed. Even worse than Adeptus Mechanicus….

      • Bobarian LMD

        Mentat.

  2. Timeloose

    “people that ODed the night before with the TV on”

    Hahaha!

  3. juris imprudent

    Suggested alt-text for that picture – hood-twink and transy-bearian.

    • EvilSheldon

      Trans-syBearian Rail-road?

      • Not Adahn

        Xey definitely want to pull a train.

  4. Tundra

    Kamala tore the top off the box of Franzia rosé and lifted out the bladder of cheap wine to fit it into her enormous purse.

    Perfect. Franzia rosé!

    • Gustave Lytton

      She’s upped her game. I would have figured her for a Kirkland box wine gal.

      • SugarFree

        Only those gross normies shop at Costco.

  5. Ted S.

    I don’t want to know where you find these pictures.

    • The Other Kevin

      I did see that one on Xwitter.

    • Sean

      It’s disturbing.

  6. The Late P Brooks

    A nose ring to be led around with. Lovely.

    • Bobarian LMD

      One ring to rule them all…

  7. The Other Kevin

    A lot of really good lines in this one.

  8. EvilSheldon

    “White Dudes for Harris, Ms. Vice President.”

    Speaking of ‘demographics are destiny’ – those two are fated to end up as a New York Post headline, probably involving a cannibalism fetish.

  9. The Late P Brooks

    That should have all the main demographics all locked up. I mean, who else is even left?

    I wonder.

    • Sean

      Juggalos?

    • Bobarian LMD

      First people to line the ditch.

      Followed by the media.

  10. Drake

    Excellent summaries of our mass media outlets and their audiences.

  11. rhywun

    “I honestly have no clue who listens to Howard Stern.”

    #meneither

    I have never seen someone so comprehensively ditch his old audience.

    • Pat

      I have never seen someone so comprehensively ditch his old audience.
      Reply

      What a fucking jerk

    • Drake

      Sirius might know but they keep paying him a crazy salary.

      • Bobarian LMD

        They basically gave him majority ownership of the company when they made the stupid deal. Basically unfireable.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Which makes him perfect for Kamala. He puts Trump’s boorish behavior to shame

      • SugarFree

        And it also shows that “boorishness” wasn’t an actual complaint, but just another an excuse to hate Trump–but, more importantly, to hate the people who don’t hate him.

  12. rhywun

    “Ma’amala”

    LOL

  13. Spudalicious

    “Porta John masturbaters”

    Alrighty then.

    • Drake

      Deployed soldiers.

    • Ownbestenemy

      The boyfriends getting dragged to a Lillith Fair festival?

      • Chipping Pioneer

        There is nothing about Lilith Fair that makes you want to rub one out.

      • SugarFree

        Real men jerk it to fat lesbians.

  14. The Late P Brooks

    “Can it feel joy?” Ella asked, her werewolf eyebrow knitting.

    She doesn’t seem like a person who feeds on the joy of others. Despair, maybe.

    • SugarFree

      Joy here means, The Joy of Holding Kamala in their hearts. There is no Joy outside Her; the Subsumption of Self is all.

  15. slumbrew

    I took the risk of reading while eating lunch – a safe choice. This week.

  16. Ownbestenemy

    Kamala Team: The Cheneys wants to endorse you.
    Kamala: Don’t we hate him cause of Bush and his role in ‘Islamophobia’ and our base thinks he is Darth Vader?
    KT: Well ya, but they hate Trump just as much as you!

    KT: We booked you for Haward Stern
    K: He is just as disgusting if not more than Trump. I mean, he led a girl to suicide most likely!
    KT: Well ya, but she hates Trump just as much as you!

    Trump acts on praise, she acts on hatred.

  17. The Late P Brooks

    And it also shows that “boorishness” wasn’t an actual complaint, but just another an excuse to hate Trump–but, more importantly, to hate the people who don’t hate him.

    Put a little hate in your heart. Wasn’t there a song about that?

  18. JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

    ““The Right has tried for years to weaponize autism against us;”

    I’m pretty sure Kamala would call it the Far Right. Almost makes me think this is fake.

  19. R.J.

    I am reading this in a conference room while discussing million dollars deals. And it’s delightful.

  20. Chipping Pioneer

    Pictured above: why democracy is bad.

    • Chipping Pioneer

      She is a total nonentity.

    • Ownbestenemy

      I can’t unhear it now

    • Nephilium

      I don’t know you! That’s my purse!

    • Suthenboy

      Jesus fuck, that is embarrassing.

  21. Brochettaward

    We shall First this storm on the beaches, we shall First on the landing grounds, we shall First in the fields and in the streets, we shall First in the hills; we shall never be second. And even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this underground bunker on this peninsula or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our brethren beyond the seas, armed and guarded by the Firstronomicon, would carry on the struggle, until, in The Great Firster’s good time, The First That Shall Change Everything, with all its power and might, steps forth to the rescue and the liberation of the First.

    • Chipping Pioneer

      Dear HOA: GFY

    • EvilSheldon

      Notice that the ‘HOA committee’ didn’t actually sign any names to their little bitch-fest.

      • slumbrew

        I caught that as well – passive-agressive twats.

      • Chipping Pioneer

        Guaranteed it’s a henhouse of AWFULs.

      • Brochettaward

        I mean, this could very easily be fake.

      • slumbrew

        True, true. Lots of people calling it fake.

        But it’s truthy, given some of the HOA nonsense we’ve seen over the years.

        (also, do not use duct tape on wooden doors)

    • slumbrew

      The start is amazing:

      “Dear non-HOA homeowner…”

      It gets shitcanned at that point.

      • Ownbestenemy

        I am assuming because he rents because otherwise if he is a non-hoa homeowner well, your letter means shit.

    • JaimeRoberto (carnitas/spicy salsa)

      He wasn’t being equitable.

      • slumbrew

        “It’s not faaaaair…”

        Nobody is stopping them from getting a generator.

      • Dr Mossy Lawn

        I’m assuming the person wasn’t hooking up the neighbors.. or only some of them.

        When I ran my generator, we would run 2 lines to the neighbor, so they could run lights and the refrigerator.. we also told everyone we knew in the area that hot showers, etc. were available.

    • Timeloose

      I imagine you could be in a neighborhood if you were not part of the HOA.

      Also, i would find out who used gorilla tape to affix a paper bitch note to my well maintained wood door and make them remove the remaining residue or repair the urethane that might come off as a result of removal.

    • R C Dean

      And this guy isn’t even in the HOA. They’re just bitching because he planned ahead and had power – there’s not a fucking thing they can do.

      I thought the failure to properly capitalize on”Hoa committee” was a nice touch.

    • Suthenboy

      He bought a house in an HOA. ‘Nuff said.

      • Tundra

        Nah.

        I’ve never had a house that didn’t have one. Not once did I experience anything like these stories.

      • R C Dean

        I’ve lived in a couple of HOAs now. One was completely unorganized, as in, it existed on paper only, with no board, officers, committees or dues. The other, where I live now, is pretty chill, as everyone seems to understand the “what goes around, comes around” dynamic. Its main activity is maintaining the road inside the gate (and the gate). The transition from the county road to our private road is literally visible from space (Google Earth, at least), and is a lesson in the difference between government and private stewardship.

      • kinnath

        HOA isn’t the problem. People are the problem.

        I am part of an HOA. The guy that developed the land created a covenant with very few restrictions and a huge burden to changing the covenant. It takes a super majority of home owners to add new restrictions.

        And pretty much all the home owners are people that wanted to live out in the countryside with few restrictions on how they live.

      • slumbrew

        I’m in a HOA now – me and my upstairs neighbor (2 unit condo, quite common around here).

        “Hey [X], hope you had a good weekend – by the way, I’m thinking we should get the foundation repointed, what do you think?”

        “Yup, sounds good, I’ll get some quotes. Oh, I paid the water & sewer bill, I’ll send you a copy.”

        That’s about the extent of our HOA interactions.

  22. The Late P Brooks

    He wasn’t being equitable.

    Did you bring enough gum for everybody?

    • Bobarian LMD

      Gum… or gun?

    • UnCivilServant

      There’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time…

    • rhywun

      Wow. Time warp.

      Some of those release details are incredible.

    • Nephilium

      /quietly removes a link from Friday’s post

      • Nephilium

        UCS:

        It wasn’t a load bearing link, they’ll be fine without it.

      • UnCivilServant

        I am a fan of overengineering.

  23. The Late P Brooks

    A little while ago, I was skimming a Slate article which caught my eye, about all the misinformation surrounding the hurricane. There was a lot of huffing and puffing about those weird claims by Marjorie Taylor Greene and others regarding the weaponization of weather by a shadowy cabal of nefarious democrats and their enablers.

    I couldn’t help but consider this against the backdrop of an earlier article about a study put out by a bunch of scientists about how a shadowy cabal of nefarious oil men and their Republican enablers has made the weather much deadlier than it used to be.

    • Suthenboy

      I recently saw where the evil oil companies are even upsetting the orbit of the earth around the sun and the rotation of said planet.
      For the Pols and such pulling this scam, can. you imagine how cynical they must be after watching people swallow that shit?
      I imagine the televangelists are seething with envy.

  24. PieInTheSky

    Disrespecting call her daddy is why there aren’t more women libertarians. That, and the Earl of Sandwich.

      • The Other Kevin

        They had one of those in Downtown Disney, and we had it a few times. Not bad. I really like their Gray Lemonade, which is an Arnold Palmer using Earl Gray.

  25. slumbrew

    The U.S. Department of State has received your application for your passport book on 08/30/2024. We’re now reviewing your application and supporting documents.

    I appreciate them letting me know that they received it. 40 days ago.

    • Ownbestenemy

      Number one shock responses I hear when I am working “Oh wow, I wasn’t expecting this [insert whatever] for at least a couple of weeks” in which I usually follow up with “Its my job, why would you wait so long?”

    • UnCivilServant

      You people are too easily addicted.

    • SugarFree

      Is that the guy who had sex with his mom?

      • The Other Kevin

        It was either that, or his sidekick transitioned. I don’t know which.

    • Tundra

      Thanks.

      Looks like the surge is starting to hit Ft. Meyers/Naples.

      • The Other Kevin

        My sis is near Palm Beach. She says it’s already getting bad. There are tornado warnings all over the state, I think she has one near her.

      • Tundra

        Port St. Lucie has 5 tornado warnings at the moment.

        Scary shit. I hope sis is ok

      • The Other Kevin

        She’s still texting, she and her daughters are ok for now.

    • rhywun

      calling for the removal of fundamental state values and choices, namely EU and NATO membership

      I suspect that is the real reason, not the “far right” or the “pro Russia” 🙄

  26. mexican sharpshooter

    “Even I’m confused about that one,” Kamala said. “I honestly have no clue who listens to Howard Stern. Striking longshoremen? People banned on Reddit? Porta-John masturbators?”

    All want to know if she’s a landing strip, Brazillian, or Dorito?

    • The Other Kevin

      I would not at all be surprised if they engineered a Bill Clinton-like “boxers or briefs” question somehow.

    • SugarFree

      My operating theory is the Kamala’s vulva begins right under her navel and extends mostly up her back.

      • Tundra

        😳

      • kinnath

        Jaws of life ?

      • Bobarian LMD

        And she has to shave her neck every morning to keep the pubes from showing.

  27. Ownbestenemy

    You get a pass today copper but just for today.

    • Gender Traitor

      It’s Shpip!!! 😟

    • Suthenboy

      I didnt see a rescue.

      • Suthenboy

        Yeah, let me see the dog right now….live.

      • R C Dean

        Me neither. I saw a dog that was exhibiting fear aggression. Getting that dog untied and into the cruiser was not going to be easy, and may well not have happened at all.

    • Tundra

      Motherfucker.

      How the fuck can people do that?

  28. Swiss Servator

    “Yes, my most loyal invertebrates.”

    Aw, yiss.

    • Tundra

      It won’t matter. True believers are too invested.

    • Old Man With Candy

      But think of how many fewer and so much milder they’d be without Climate Catastrophe.

  29. Timeloose

    Trump contacted Putin after his presidency!!! there is no precedence for such a thing!!!

    https://www.axios.com/2024/10/09/logan-act-trump-putin-calls-explained

    “Carter served as a sort of diplomat without portfolio in various conflicts in a number of countries—including Nicaragua (where he successfully promoted the return of the Miskito Indians to their homeland), Panama (where he observed and reported illegal voting procedures), and Ethiopia (where he attempted to mediate a settlement with the Eritrean People’s Liberation Force). He was particularly active in this role in 1994, negotiating with North Korea to end nuclear weapons development there, with Haiti to effect a peaceful transfer of power, and with Bosnian Serbs and Muslims to broker a short-lived cease-fire. His efforts on behalf of international peace and his highly visible participation in building homes for the poor through Habitat for Humanity established in the public mind a much more favorable image of Carter than had been the case during his presidency.”

    • creech

      But he was a Nobel Peace Prize winner, only lusted for women in his heart, and best of all, had the ( D ) credential.

      • Bobarian LMD

        You notice all those “efforts on behalf of international peace” were pretty much abject failures.

        But kudos for H4H.

  30. DEG


    “The Right has tried for years to weaponize autism against us; I just returned the favor.”

    “How?” Ella asked, circling the intern. “It’s is some sort of robot?”

    “No, it’s human. Mostly.”

    Beautiful.