I, Soldier – part 28

by | Oct 21, 2024 | Fiction | 62 comments

“From a statistical perspective, being a flip-flopper doubles your chances of winning. Machiavelli was not a mathematician.”

“I’m getting some croutons in case you plan on serving any more word salad tonight.”

Soon enough, it was the night of the debate. We were the front-runner and I had high hopes that the decisive moment of the campaign was upon us. I decided it was best to watch the debate from home on TV with little Catherine on my knee. “Look Cathy, mommy is on TV!” I told her. She hadn’t said her first word yet but watched the screen intently.

The moderator welcomed the candidates and each of them gave an opening statement. Since Alexandra was in the lead, she went first. I told her beforehand during debate practice that since she would be behind a podium, the most important part of her look was what was visible and that it was best to wear heels to compensate for being shorter than the others on stage. The expression on her face at that moment indicated that perhaps I should not have taught her how to throw a knife. Oh well, in the end she followed my advice. The part of her outfit that night that was visible above the podium was a long sleeve white blouse with a black neck tab. She had on what looked like reading glasses and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. I suggested the ponytail for increased peripheral vision and because of the dramatic effect if she turned her head suddenly. On the whole, she had the look of a stern librarian; a look which was softened by pink lipstick.

I turned up the volume as the camera focused on her. Her name was displayed on the screen.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m running in this election to fulfill a vision, a vision shared by many Americans about the ideals this country was founded on liberty, equality, and tranquility. For too long, many of our fellow citizens have not had a fair share of these basic rights. The methods that have been used to change that are too slow, and I plan on moving much faster once elected. We don’t win unless we all win together.”

There was a decent amount of applause. I thought it was a strong start.

The other four candidates had speeches that were more or less interchangeable. They all talked about putting American workers first, fighting inflation, and being tough on communism. All of them made a mention of humble beginnings on a farm or in a small town. It was like watching all the lazy kids in a class copying each other’s homework.

I was waiting for the first attack on Alexandra. As the frontrunner, someone was bound to try to knock her off her perch. Cathy was getting sleepy. I bottle fed her for a while and put her to bed in her crib. It had a handmade dolphin plush toy to keep her company. Alexandra made it herself. She was crafty in all sorts of ways.

Becoming a father and husband meant a lot to me. It gave me a great sense of inner peace. After the horrors of Vietnam, I didn’t think I was capable of love, but I sought it anyway. Fortunately, I was wrong to believe that I was emotionally dead. I just needed time to recover; a lot of time, as it turned out.

Back to the debate. The tallest opponent, Jackson, decided to take a swipe at Alexandra. He had the soft features of a man unaccustomed to violence of any sort. I almost felt sorry for him.

“Mrs. Murphy, why do you think voters will support your pie-in-the-sky fantasies? There are already plenty of politicians blowing hot air.”

There was some scattered laughter and the self-satisfied look on his face made it clear that he thought he had said something very witty.

“Well, Mr. Jackson, I have two remarks on that: you’re fat and shut up.”

That got the whole room laughing, even all her opponents on stage. She certainly had good comedy timing. After the laughter died down, the moderator spoke.

“Well, uh, let’s try harder to keep things civil, shall we? How about we hear from the other candidates. I’ll give you a prompt: given the recent defeat in Vietnam, how should we face communism?”

Kent, the best-looking opponent, decided to respond.

“We should not let any setback discourage us from confronting the danger of communism, or any other foreign threat, to our way of life. Our military is still the finest the world has ever known, and I’ll eat my shoe if anyone says otherwise.”

“You should talk to my husband about the state of our military and fighting communism. He fought in Vietnam. You didn’t.”

Careful, Alexandra, I thought. Also, please don’t drag me into this bullshit.

“Your husband went on a rampage not long after his discharge from the Army. He almost killed several police officers. What do you say to that?”

Oh shit, this guy clearly did his research. See, Alexandra. This is what happens when you get too aggressive.

“He was suffering extreme stress after years of intense combat in which he was nearly killed several times. He made restitution to the victims and has since been using his language skills as a federal government employee. I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t think he was a good man.”

“We should let the public decide that. I challenge your husband to speak at press conference.”

“He will. He’s not afraid of anyone.”

Well, I guess that settles it. Time to get ready for that press conference. In the midst of danger lies opportunity. There’s no such thing as bad publicity.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

62 Comments

  1. Derpetologist

    odds and ends

    Got a subpoena today for a deposition from my assailant’s public defender. It’s coming up on six months since it all started. It’s hard to have compulsory education without corporal punishment.

    I’ve been on administrative leave and working (barely) from home since the 8th. Fine by me. It gave me time to make a discovery in geometry:

    https://platedlizard.blogspot.com/2024/10/brahmaguptas-formula-herons-formula-and.html

    It’s a shame this video about the F-35 didn’t reach a larger audience:

    https://platedlizard.blogspot.com/2024/10/most-expensive-warplane-built-so-far.html

    • Evan from Evansville

      Two blokes legit flying gliding at speed into a plane… DAMN. Straight the fuck up worth the watch.

      The only difference between bravery and idiocy? Success.

    • creech

      Are those the Glibertarian cruise pictures???

    • Gustave Lytton

      There’s a joke in there somewhere about a Stanford Nursing Home Experiment.

  2. Urthona

    Hello

    • R.J.

      Hello!
      I have been scarce too. Moving to South of DFW early next year. How are things?

  3. Evan from Evansville

    Excitement SHe Wrote! Great setup to (theoretically) the next chapter. Specific thoughts: “The expression on her face at that moment indicated that perhaps I should not have taught her how to throw a knife.” <– Nicely done. I've had that sharp Flinch Feeling many times, esp with girlfriends. Nasty, internal sting.

    ("She certainly had good comedy comedic timing.” <– Sorry.)

    "…shared by many Americans about the ideals this country was founded on liberty, equality, and tranquility." <– Me likey. Could mean anything. (I could 'interpret' the last as just being "peace," given context.) Hard to not be popular with that. Pushes all buttons. Not sure if that was your intention, but regardless.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Not an expert but sounds totally believable.

    • Evan from Evansville

      Not at all in S Korea. She looks the right age to be a teacher, but maybe she’s in Above my PayGrade territory. The schools in SoKo do talk about foreign teachers’ behavior. My great friend was put on a known Blacklist where former teachers could land. My last gig was on-paper illegal and I said something silly on my last day. Female boss, her mom came at me and then faked a fall and acted like I attacked her.

      All stupid. Was questioned at school by the police. They set me up with a court date where I was formally interrogated. The process was all the punishment I got, cuz even the detectives saw on the vid that she clearly came at me. I only put my hands up to protect my face and hold my document. Live and learn.

      Synchronicities are fun. I just signed the paperwork for my new phleb job. I got a surprise call and gave her a reference. She’s hired! Becomes a Court Social Eligibility Worker in Todd County, MN. We came back from Korea with our own struggles, yet we bounce on the same week. Just fun. Smiley faces in headlights.

  4. Grumbletarian

    https://x.com/VoteHarrisOut/status/1848402352295837989

    Kamala Harris has police escort Christians out of their own church for demanding to know why she said that Jesus Christ and Christians don’t belong at her rallies.

    Kammy is imploding.

    • Gustave Lytton

      If only Tik TOK clips on Twitter were imploding.

      • rhywun

        This story needs more supporting, well, anything before I can get properly fired up. Random twixes and tiktoks don’t cut it for me.

    • creech

      What’s a church doing holding a political rally?

      • rhywun

        I think that church is one of the required stops on the Dem campaign tour. Notice Sharpton in one of the pics.

      • Gustave Lytton

        Maybe Rev Al can preach about the evils of false rape allegations…

  5. slumbrew

    This posted already?

    https://x.com/TheMossadIL/status/1848452390443155732

    “ IDF just went It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World on Lebanon and told everyone where Hezbollah’s millions of dollars in cash and gold are hidden. ”

    That’s pretty great.

    • Gustave Lytton

      Looks CGI. If it it’s real, i wonder if it’s not just the money but that they have that level of detail about a secret bunker. Leading to wondering what other bunkers they know about.

      • dbleagle

        They went after Hezbollah’s bank over the weekend. The regional media is reporting that Israel blew up the main HQ and multiple branches. This can hit the group, and depositors, hard since Arab banking is different than western practices. Most Arab banks are nothing more than your mattress moved to another place and have larger cash on hand than western banks- plus electronic back up of records is unheard of for most banks and depositors. The bank records in the movie “In the Heat of the Night” are more comprehensive.

        What I saw in the better banks in Iraq made my stomach queasy. Even with 16 years to improve I am sure what is presented to a standard schmo isn’t much better. Locally held Iranian cash is probably well accounted for.

      • Gustave Lytton

        I’m sure that the Iranians have more accountability that SIGAR or SIGIR.

  6. Gustave Lytton

    Another benefit of “legalizing” weed:

    https://youtu.be/318gD6yVNwA

    Once again, potheads and other drug users are moral degenerates. Excuse me, I need another drink.

    • dbleagle

      That is beautiful country. Yep, shitheads are shitheads. It doesn’t surprise me.

      In the 90s I worked as a State Park Ranger for a couple of years. While checking some water sources on the park I found a small grow operation diverting water. The Park Manager didn’t want to go all legal on them and put the word out that the grow was found and that the state would take it out. She failed on the last part. The next time I checked the area the shitheads had destroyed several animal watering areas and trashed the area- but kept the grow going. The next time I went out they destroyed an 8ft tall, 12ft water tank and had changed their oil in the wash. That finally got the manager to bring in the popo.

    • rhywun

      Torn on drugs.

      I’ve done lots of ’em but drugs’re bad, mmmkay? They are very appealing and very destructive. Not many people can walk that fine line. I did, until I didn’t.

      “Legalization” seems more a fundraising opportunity than a granting of freedom. Meanwhile there are disgusting potheads everywhere now and the relaxed attitude means bums of various dependencies are criminaling even harder to get money for their next fix.

      • Brochettaward

        Does criminalizing them really stop anyone who wants them from getting them? Government, as is oft stated, can’t even keep drugs out of prison.

        Let there be a safe, cheap supply of whatever the fuck people want. Criminalize and crack down on the resulting deviancy for those who can’t control themselves.

    • Gustave Lytton

      23:34 Mon Oct 21

      x.com

      x

      SA NA TEA

      BLICA ARO

      OFFICIAL STATEMENT

      City of Buenos Aires, October 21, 2024.- The Office of the President informs that, within the framework of the reduction of the State and the elimination of inefficient structures, it will proceed to dissolve the Federal Public Revenue Administration (AFIP).

      The Customs Collection and Control Agency (ARCA) will be created, an organization with a simpler, more efficient, less costly and less bureaucratic structure. This measure will reduce the number of higher-level authorities by 45% and the lower-level authorities by 31%, which represents an elimination of 34% of the current structure, generating an annual saving of 6.4 billion pesos.

      Likewise, 3,155 agents who joined AFIP illegally during the last Kirchner government will be dismissed, which is equivalent to 15% of the current staff. This step is essential to dismantle the unnecessary bureaucracy that has hindered the economic and commercial freedom of Argentines.

      On the other hand, as the new ARCA begins its management, the Hierarchy Account for senior officials will be eliminated, reducing the salary of the head of the entity from approximately 32 million to the amount currently received by a Minister of the Nation, around 4 million. The same will occur with the salaries of the Directors of the General Tax Directorate (DGI) and the General Customs Directorate (DGA), who currently receive 17 million and will receive a salary comparable to that of a Secretary of the Nation.

      The creation of ARCA aims to reduce the size of the State, eliminate unnecessary positions, professionalize the entity, destroy corrupt circuits, and improve the efficiency of tax collection and customs control, eliminating the privileges of the past and optimizing public management.

      The management of ARCA will be in charge of Florencia Misrahi, who will lead this process together with Andrés Gerardo Vázquez, who will take over as head of the DGI, and José Andrés Velis, the new head of the DGA. Vázquez, a graduate in Business Administration and a Certified Public Accountant, has more than 30 years of experience in the General Tax Directorate. For his part, Velis has extensive experience in the General Customs Directorate and has been responsible for the development of key computer systems such as the Malvina system.

      Office of the President of the Argentine Republic

      to the sympathy

      Office of the President✔

      @OPRArgentina

      11:55 AM Oct 21, 20242M Views

      3,524 Reposts 1,501 Quotes

      796 Bookmarks

      22.1K Likes

      17

      796

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        Not porn…I mean I like it and all but I tried masturbating to it and it just didn’t work.

    • UnCivilServant

      I’ve been awake, where’ve you been?

      • Sean

        [Redacted]

        😋

      • UnCivilServant

        sounds like you were asleep.

    • Donny Three-Fingers (KJ5GQR)

      Been up. All housework done, waiting for sunrise to start mixing and pouring concrete for the flagpole. Bribed the neighbor with beer to dig the initial hole with the tractor-mounted auger. Still took 4 hours with a digging bar and post hole digger to finish it to this point (hole dug, rebar installed, 3″ x 3′ sch40 pvc sleeve in).

      • Gender Traitor

        For your “No Step on Snek” flag? 😃

    • Gender Traitor

      Good morning, Sean, U, and Donny 3F!

      • Gender Traitor

        Well, the sore throat I woke up with yesterday was greatly eased by the application of a hot beverage, and no other upper respiratory symptoms emerged, so I’m cautiously optimistic that I’m keeping a head cold at bay. My throat is a bit tight this morning, but not sore, so I’m hoping the coffee does the trick again. 🤞

        How are you?

      • UnCivilServant

        I’m beginning to wonder if I’m fighting the onset of a bout of depression – or if it’s already started and I’m just starting to notice the problem.

      • Donny Three-Fingers (KJ5GQR)

        Good morning! The Betsy Ross flag for US flag days, Republic of Texas flag for the rest. And a Christmas tree 14 strand light set for the day after Thanksgiving until she makes me take them down. 30′ sectional flagpole, we will see how long it lasts in our winds.

      • Donny Three-Fingers (KJ5GQR)

        And a Jolly Roger for the bad days.

      • Gender Traitor

        😟 Any chance it’s seasonal? I’m inclined to believe that that is really a thing. Not the only cause of depression, of course, but not an uncommon one.

      • UnCivilServant

        No, the seasons never did that to me. Though my calmest, happiest weather is overcast and rainy.

      • Gender Traitor

        (For Donny 3F: 🏴‍☠️)

      • Gender Traitor

        ::imagines UCS channeling his inner Gene Kelly – “I’m si-i-i-ingin’ in the ra-a-a-ain…”::

      • UnCivilServant

        I got picked on whenever I tried to sing, so I don’t sing. I’m an uncoordinated blob of adipose tissue, so I can’t dance. I got mocked and teased for showing any facial expression other than grumpy scowl, so I don’t.

        It’s no wonder I’m a miserable clod.

      • Gender Traitor

        😟

      • Ownbestenemy

        Sounds like what Mrs OBE and myself went through. Only thing is the after effect was sinus pressure/infection. An allergy pill took care of that though.

    • rhywun
    • Gender Traitor

      🙄🤦‍♀️

    • Donny Three-Fingers (KJ5GQR)

      They didn’t even show the AI image. What a bunch of losers.

      • Stinky Wizzleteats

        I thought he won that playoff game against the Raiders when the ball bounced off that guy’s helmet. Turns out it was really Franco Harris…

      • Donny Three-Fingers (KJ5GQR)

        Cavalier, that is glorious!

    • Ownbestenemy

      Well good, I was beginning to think I was missing some good foozeball this year.

    • rhywun

      It’s hard to believe that is real. But here we are in the Stupid Age.