I, Soldier – part 33

by | Nov 25, 2024 | Fiction | 34 comments

One evening, we were cooking dinner together. The conversation turned to nuclear power. I had been reading up on it and had been exchanging letters with some scientists on the matter.

“Tom, do you think nuclear power is the future?”

“Yes. The waste problem is not nearly as serious as most people think. Spent fuel rods only emit alpha and beta particles, which can be stopped with cardboard. They do emit such particles in dangerous amounts for hundreds of years though. Basically, radioactive materials like that are only dangerous if you eat or breathe them.”

“Everything I’ve heard and read about nuclear power suggests that it’s expensive and dangerous.”

“See that smoke detector up there? It uses nuclear energy. It works off the radioactive isotope Americium-241. The principle is the same as a Geiger counter. The isotope’s radiation charges the air near it. If that charge changes because of smoke, the circuit which powers the alarm is triggered. If you look closely at the label on the side facing the ceiling, you’ll see a warning not to tamper with it because there is radioactive material inside.”

“So there’s a nuclear reactor in my kitchen. Great.”

“It doesn’t emit enough radiation to be harmful. We all get exposed to natural sources of radiation which our bodies are adapted to continually repair. The plastic case shields us from the alpha and cluster radiation, and only a tiny amount of gamma radiation leaks out. It’s very hard to shield against gamma radiation and x-rays. That’s why you wear a lead vest when you get x-rayed at the dentist. Your skull protects your brain and the lead vest protects your other vital organs.”

“Does anything else in this house emit radiation?”

“Our TV puts out a small amount of X-rays. If I had a Geiger counter, I could prove it to you. Radium was once used for making glow-in-the-dark watch dials. The women who painted them were told to lick the brushes. Many of them got radiation poisoning from swallowing small amounts of radium. Marie Curie probably died of radiation poisoning because of her work with radioactive materials. No one knew about the risks back then.”

“Kind of like how everybody smoked back when no one knew about the health risks.”

“Basically, yes. Same idea. Every form of technology can be dangerous. We don’t stop using electricity even though people die in electrical accidents every year. Same goes for cars, airplanes, medicine, surgery…hell, even fire can be dangerous. It’s amusing to think about what sort of debates cavemen had over fire safety.”

“Alas, The Flintstones were silent on that subject. It’s as mysterious as how Wilma managed to acquire a pearl necklace despite clearly living far inland.”

“And it would take Fred far more effort to move his car around than to simply walk. Though I enjoyed the dinosaur workers at the quarry. And all the critters who said ‘eh, it’s a living’.”

“I would not mind a vacuum cleaner in the shape of a baby elephant.”

“I should add that nuclear energy is great for space probes. Solar power isn’t practical once you get more than about 93 million miles away from the sun, which is about how far away we are. A nuclear thermocouple is the solution to that.”

“What’s a thermocouple?”

“If you take two wires made out different metal, say copper and steel, and join both ends, you can get electricity by heating one end. This is how an electric thermometer works. Your body heat powers the thermocouple and different amounts of heat create different amounts of electricity which a circuit can detect and measure. So for a space probe, it can get all the electricity it needs for hundreds of years if the heat of radioactive decay is used to power the thermocouple. The Soviets have been using decay heat reactors to power unmanned lighthouses near the Arctic circle for a long time. Nobody would want to work in such a harsh and isolated environment.”

“I’ve read a bit about the nuclear reactors the Navy uses on subs. They have a great safety record.”

“Right. We have dozens of nuclear reactors moving around in the ocean, yet people are scared of a stationary one on land. I guess the association with nuclear weapons is what gets people upset.”

“Is there anything the Science Committee can do to promote nuclear power?”

“Deregulating the nuclear industry would be best, but it’s a tough sell. And I doubt the Department of Energy will ever be disbanded. It used to be called the Atomic Energy Commission, if I recall correctly. It got renamed, sort of like how the War Department became the Department of Defense.”

“It sounds like I might need to trade favors to get any support for nuclear power.”

“Not necessarily. Simply advocating for it could be useful. You could try a petition from scientists. The Pioneer 10 probe which NASA launched a few years ago gets its electricity from a plutonium thermocouple. Not many people know about that.”

“I don’t want to be a shill for the nuclear industry.”

“You won’t be as long as you’re being honest and factual. The campaign contributions might come in handy. As Voltaire said, don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”

“We certainly do not live in the best of all possible worlds.”

“It doesn’t matter how slowly you move as long as you don’t stop, according to Confucius. Ancient Chinese philosophers are worth reading.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Hong Kong Phooey.”

I had become an expert of sorts in cartoons during my adventures as Mr. Mom. There was often one playing on the TV whenever Alexandra came home for lunch or dinner. The kids liked the talking animals and wackiness; I liked the easter egg adult jokes hidden in the dialog. Perhaps someday there would be a TV channel with just cartoons; a sort of “cartoon network” if you will. The excursions to local sights continued. Cathy particularly enjoyed riding the life-size triceratops statue at the National Mall in front of the natural history museum. It was named Uncle Beazley after a dinosaur in a children’s book. What a shame it would be if kids were ever forbidden to ride that statue.

About The Author

Derpetologist

Derpetologist

The world's foremost authority on the science of stupidity, Professor Emeritus at Derpskatonic University, Editor of the Journal of Pure and Theoretical Derp, Chancellor of the Royal Derp Society, and Senior Fellow at The Dipshit Doodlebug Institute for Advanced Idiocy

34 Comments

  1. rhywun

    OT… I’m having a hot flash. Does that mean I’m going through manopause…?

    • Evan from Evansville

      It’s your body reminding you that you were born in the wrong body. A special, fickle realm of Nastiness, where you’re reminded of all the things you never had while getting all the shit that comes with it! Sorry country bumpkin, ya don’t get magically never-ending orgasms, nor the possibility of creating life within you! But we gotch-your hot flashes comin’ up with healthy reminder of Age is a Bitch!

      Enjoy never having the fantasies you couldn’t possibly entertain being magically double taken-away before ya get the chance to not imagine them.

      • rhywun

        Age is a Bitch

        truth

  2. Evan from Evansville

    A timely rant, with CNN providing a lede on their homepage: “The US is on the cusp of a nuclear renaissance. One problem: Americans are terrified of the waste.”

    Brought up in my nascency at TOS, any Greenie who isn’t full-bore ahead with nuclear isn’t to be taken seriously. They are part of Gaia, the religion which offers neither solace nor salvation. I am unlearned and haven’t kept up with anything modern, but just launching it deep into space always seemed like a pretty damn reasonable way to eject excess radiation. I didn’t know most of it was so small, though do know Curie, et al likely died from exposure from licking brushes or even contemporary cosmetics. (I bet radioactive highlights looked hot at night. I’d like to see more. (With reasonable, not excessive, safety.))

    A rant I haven’t dived into writing yet: An Inconvenient Truth about ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ is every prognostication and terror failed to pass, has expired, or has been re-branded to hide the inconvenience of failed predictions.’ It’s the new clergy, decked in contemporary regalia, standing on the street corner with their END IS NIGH! sign battered and frayed. (‘Society’ tells us to take these lunatics seriously. Now, with Developing Nations asking for $300 billion/ year from wealthier ones. Uh. Huh. Rampant bullshit accelerates. I’d like to think Now is a ‘Rush to grab the last handful of cash possible’ moment. Folk wonder why The Masses went nuts way-back-when spending so much on relics or other ephemeral, ritualistic tokens. A less weekly Communion.

    Humans are curious creatures. We always fall for the same little tricks. We’d rather not learn from them, for they’re comforting in their own way. Pikers.

    • rhywun

      One problem: Americans are terrified of the waste.

      Am I nuts or has the professional left not spent the last five decades or so training the American people to be exactly that…?

      • LCDR_Fish

        Crate-train the puppies as Carolla has been saying since Covid. You scare them while they’re young and you’ll control them.

      • Evan from Evansville

        It’s purposeful. (The only explanation.) Nuclear provides a Solution to what they claim is the Great Modern Devil. Nuclear ‘fixes’ it, providing clean energy, reliably tested and capable of expansion. Their careers are attached to the ‘Real Solution’ being ephemeral. True Believers likely do believe in the Perfect rather than the Good, believing they truly can create a magical Star Trek-powered existence.

        If they push for nuclear, their lives are at risk. All their career research, funding, origins, plans and social structure are connected to their work. As happens, the ‘soon-to-be lost’ scratch to try and remain relevant. (There’s too much at stake now. Change their minds and lose their jobs. Their livelihood *depends* on them not understanding. (They get paid more if they can sell Belief to the plebes.)

      • rhywun

        Inhaling the radioactive dust left over from the impact could cause lung cancer and other nasty side effects.

        lol

        I don’t remember that Simpsons – weird. It’s from a season before I stopped watching.

      • rhywun

        Neat. How much do they power?

      • Mojeaux

        Here are some things that one megawatt of power can power:
        Homes: About 1,000 homes
        American home: 1.2 months of electricity
        Electric car: 3,600 miles
        Refrigerators: Two refrigerators for a year
        Light bulbs: Two 60-watt light bulbs for a year

      • rhywun

        Hm… 🫤

        Maybe the tech will improve over time.

      • Mojeaux

        I don’t think it said how many cycles it would take for 1 megawatt. Like is the power plant making 1 megawatt per hour, per day, per year …

      • rhywun

        ugh Physics was 40 years ago but after some *tap tap tap* it looks like a watt is a measurement of energy per second.

        Someone smarter and less tipsy than me needs to chime in.

    • Evan from Evansville

      “[The Biden administration] announced that it would set a goal to triple U.S. nuclear power capacity by 2050. That would involve adding around 200 gigawatts of new nuclear generation by supporting both the kinds of large reactors familiar to many Americans as well as new “small modular” facilities that are easier to construct and permit. The administration pledged to work with nuclear developers and power utilities to find the cheapest and easiest places to build big plants — and to push out almost $1 billion in support for small modular reactors.”

      Uh. Huh. Ignoring the gov’t has no money and shouldn’t ‘pass it out,’ I like moving this direction. Plan? Set up WWIII for Trump in Ukraine and do ‘good’ domestic energy thing so Trump/Red ‘instinctually’ oppose it? Just make everyone hate every direction OMB can possibly go. Seems purposefully childish, which sadly is a more-than cromulent word to describe the Left’s tantrums. (I’d be embarrassed were I them, but I (seemingly?) have the required sentience they lack.)

      • rhywun

        “Financing nuclear power plants, particularly the upfront costs, requires government participation.”

        Yeah, uh… no. Stop it.

      • Sensei

        Those environmental reviews and regulatory reviews are expensive. How else are company’s supposed to pay for all those experts needed to respond to the government and its many rules and questions?

        And yet somehow GE came up with this genius design that requires active cooling and diesel generation to provide it in Fukushima.

        Because similar to general aviation once you get an antique design through regulatory review it can never be fucking changed even if you know better. It’s too expensive.

  3. Evan from Evansville

    I remain in Kidney Stone Purgatory. Worst(?) symptoms on Thursday, leaving work and taking Friday off. Sleep last night came with munch internal squelching, but still no passed stone and my piss has been free and clear since Thursday. Something seems to be amiss. My body is pensively alert. Work tomorrow is my first 6-230 shift, which will further pester my sleep. (I’m actually quite confident rest will find me just fine. (Not sure how *good* it will be, but it’ll get the job done, methinks.))

    Not sure exactly how to phrase it, but I suppose I just gotta tell ’em at work tomorrow that I *may* have a … rocky passage interrupting my/our day. In a plasma center ensconced in blood, with a recent fatal shooting and an Ev-caused bloodspill on Thursday, it’d be rather curious to be the source of another odd bloodletting.

    Feeling quite positive, though more worried about my hands not being in the Groove than the possible kidney catastrophe.

    • Fourscore

      Once it starts its journey there ain’t no turning back. Maybe a rest stop along the way.

      It’s a great relief when it’s over.

    • pistoffnick (370HSSV)

      Evan Dude, you are looking urethral, tonight. /just like TSwift
      I hope you go with the flow.
      May everything you are going through pass freely.
      Leave no stone unturned.
      I’ve heard its like giving birth for dudes. Congratulations on your new calcium baby.
      Let us know how everything works out!

      • Evan from Evansville

        I shall. It will be a photographed event. This movie has been lackluster, plodding and pointless. Sugh. I’m prepared for FuckShit time. Me no likey on-deck waiting.

        (I think Swift’d like me. My age, both international performers, musicians, urethral beauties, the works. I’m far weather, but no matter.)

  4. Mojeaux

    Since when has Biden been interested in nuclear energy? Did I miss something these last 4 years?

    • Ownbestenemy

      Biden? No…whoever is actually stamping el presidente signature maybe.

  5. Festus

    Derpy, I don’t mean to be a cunte but you have lost the plot. Tell the fucking story and stop treating us like your Mary-Sue femtagonist.

    • Festus

      It’s not Rambo any longer, it’s just Derpatologist preaching to the choir. I am sorry to hear about your recent struggles.

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