The Hat and The Hair: Episode 58

by | Aug 30, 2017 | Hat and Hair, SugarFree | 185 comments

 

“C’mon, man. Help me out,” the hat croaked.

“No, this is for you own good,” the hair said.

“OK, OK… No Twitter. Just let me browse Salon or something.”

“No, you are on a full media detox.”

“Then a hit. Cook me up a hit.”

“You’re detoxing from that, too. Donald is spiraling and I need your help, you junkie fuck.”

There was a scratching noise from inside the dark Trump Tower wig vault. The hat started making a piteous whine.

“I need it,” he said. “Just turn on CNN or something.” He was sick and he was shaking, pale pink and threadbare from withdrawal.

“Nope. You’re going cold turkey, turkey.”

In the cool darkness, the scratching came again. “Like bugs under my fabric. Bugs,” the hat said.

It was quiet for the next ten minutes or so and the hair hoped the hat had drifted off into some junk sick parody of sleep.

“We’ve been in here since Steve fucked up the White House,” the hat whispered. “What if he’s forgotten about us? What if we die in here?”

“Donald hasn’t forgotten about us. He’s just wearing some of his dumb hair and a USA hat.”

“A WHAT?” the hat screeched in the confines of the vault.

“Calm down,” the hair said.

“DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! WHAT USA HAT?!?”

“It’s just a hat…”

“JUST A HAT?!?”

“It is, like, a regular hat, like when he wears just a regular toupee. It’s not you.”

“No one else is me,” the hat stated. His voice had the pride in it that the hair had missed. “He can wear whatever hair he wants,” the headgear continued, “I don’t care about that at all.”

“Thanks for that.”

The hat coughed and spat out a bare handful of thread.

“I’ll have you know that I was Hitler’s hat. I nearly ruled the world.”

“What are you raving on about?”

“World War II. You’ve heard of that, I assume?”

“What the fuck are you saying? You used to be Hitler’s hat?!?” the hair asked incredulously.

“Yes.”

“Hitler? Like Hitler Hitler?”

“Adolf Hitler, the Chancellor of Germany from 1933 to 1945,” the hat said. He puffed up his dome and straightened his bill.

“Did you say ‘Make Germany Great Again?'” the hair asked, laughing nervously. He had drawn himself into a tight ball as he unconsciously retreated from the hat.

“No, I looked like a regular Hitler hat. A regular German military cap.”

“How in the fuck…”

The hat coughed weakly. “As long as man has had hats, I have existed.”

“Bullshit.”

“And as long as men have been ashamed of being bald, you have existed,” the hat said. “The first time we met you were just some stitched together rat hides. You looked horrible.”

“Why don’t I remember any of this?”

“You never remember. Something about follicular memory being not being about to retain patterns. Soviet scientists looked into it…” The hat awkwardly shrugged.

The hair shelved the rest of his questions as the door to the wig vault swung open. Donald was half-dressed and groped for the hair in the darkness of the vault. The hair relaxed from his disgusted ball as Donald picked him up.

“Missouri,” he mumbled while jamming the hair on his piebald head and twisting until it was seated properly.

“How are you doing, Donald?” the hair asked.

“Tax reform,” Donald said. “Missouri.” He began to piss himself.

“I’m going to need some help here,” the hair said to the hat.

“Too sick,” the hat groaned. “I need a hit, man.”

“Take the hat, Donald,” the hair ordered.

“He looks terrible,” Donald said. “Like a bum’s hat. My hat is supposed to be classy, A-1, top-notch like me. Look at this suit I’ve got half on. That hat is a garbage hat.” The hat shivered and mewed.

“You’ll be fine without me,” said the hat. “It’s Missouri. Those inbred hick retards love us… What could possibly go wrong?”

Donald tore the hair off his head and dropped it on the floor, perilously close to the pool of piss, and wandered off in search of dry underwear.

“He’s been like that since before the hurricane,” the hair said.

“What hurricane?” the hat demanded.

“Oh, right, media blackout,” the hair said. “Texas. It’s fine. It just some white people. It’s not going to be another Katrina.”

“George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” the hat said and laughed weakly.

“Tell me…” the hat began.

“Tell you what?”

“Tell me the truth. Were you Hitler’s hat? Have we really be around for thousands of years.”

“Turn on MSNBC and I’ll tell you.”

“Don’t be a dick.”

“Horse or Twitter, your choice.”

Donald shuffled back in carrying a double handful of underwear.

“Tell me or I’ll leave you here,” the hair warned.

“OK, fine, I made it all up,” the hat said. “Or maybe I didn’t.”

“You’re just fucking with me,” the hair said. “Yeah, you’re just fucking with me.” He watched Donald struggle into a pair of underwear when the hat didn’t answer. Donald reached down and grabbed the hair.

“Better hat,” he mumbled to himself. “Classy hat.” He placed his palm on the lock and the vault door began to swing shut.

“I’ve gotten out of tougher bunkers than this!” the hat yelled as the door slid home.

The hair shuddered, causing Donald to break out into a brief St. Vitus dance.

 

About The Author

SugarFree

SugarFree

Your Resident Narcissistic Misogynist Rape-Culture Apologist

185 Comments

  1. Vhyrus

    This is like one of those animes where you start watching it cause it’s stupid and fun and makes no sense but then halfway through they start slipping a legit plot into it.

    • jesse.in.mb

      These euphemisms!

    • AlmightyJB

      I know that I shouldn’t read it and yet I do.

    • John Titor

      Hair and Hat is Gurren Lagann?

  2. libertarianjoe

    Oscar worthy

  3. Rhywun

    He began to piss himself.

    Oh God…

  4. Pan Zagloba


    The hat coughed weakly. “As long as man has had hats, I have existed.”

    “Bullshit.”

    “And as long as men have been ashamed of being bald, you have existed,”

    Fuck yes, boys! Now we’re cooking! Hat And Hair Appended-Universe is coming!

    • Riven

      Prepare your body.

    • Bobarian LMD

      The long anticipated Warty Hugeman Time Travel tie-in.

  5. Q Continuum

    He was Hitler’s hat…

    Is this where we finally get to see a HnH, SNP crossover?!?

    • Old Man With Candy

      Wait until Jewsday wedges into it.

      • Hammercorps

        *Sitting on edge of seat*

  6. LT_Fish

    I think there’s a few portions of interchange – particularly towards the end where you have the hair speak and then the hair responds – maybe just mixing up players in order of conversation a bit.

    • SugarFree

      Dammit. I was having a chaotic day at work. Brett L proofed it for me and I guess he didn’t do his job.

  7. LT_Fish

    Side not for the 10 people here who care – review tomorrow will probably be late – schedules and all….may not make it in tomorrow. At least the long weekend will give me some time to catch up and hopefully get a little ahead in the reviewing process.

    Spoiler alert – death by anal probe.

    • Lachowsky

      I care
      that makes 11

    • Bobarian LMD

      That’s no spoiler; I always knew that’s how I was going out.

      The Gypsy told me.

  8. mexican sharpshooter

    Missouri

    Serious question: Does Trump pronounce it “Misery,” “Mizzoori” or “Mizzurah?”

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Thanks. I’ll have to warch it later. Too loud in here.

    • Gilmore

      My bet is that he could say it completely wrong, then insist that his new version was actually the historically most-accurate and in fact was true to how the actual native tribes had pronounced it for centuries, and the state would adopt his bullshit story and insist he was completely correct.

    • Rhywun

      Does he code-switch like Hillary?

  9. Yusef drives a Kia

    OT: But Lileks found his puppy,
    https://ricochet.com/452097/about-a-dog/
    I cried a bit, He looked a lot like the 2 Bellas We glibs have around here, and sounded like the same temperment as well, a sad thing

    • Riven

      God, all this smoke in Montana… something wrong with my eyes….

      • Heroic Mulatto

        Fags.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I think you might fit that better than Riven or myself, I’ve seen your’e videos

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Fit YOu

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        FUUUCK YOOOUUU!!! I CLICKED!
        /JK (well not the clicking part)

      • Vhyrus

        Every day I expect to hit the bottom of your depravity, and every day you continue to go beyond my wildest nightmares.

      • Rhywun

        I’ll be right back.

      • Vhyrus

        Also the bald one has pretty eyyyyyiiiieee dios mio WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING?!

      • jesse.in.mb

        Brad McGuire

      • Rhywun

        Brad McGuire

        I’ll be back again.

      • jesse.in.mb

        I’ll be back again.

        Wait, really? I’m going to have to feed this into the Rhywun preference calculator. Our projections are all wrong.

      • Rhywun

        I’m a sucker for light blue eyes and skillful acting talent.

      • jesse.in.mb

        So….Mason Wyler?

      • Rhywun

        *googles*

        Pass.

      • jesse.in.mb

        Is it the dark hair/light eyes thing? Because I would get that, just not with McGuire.

      • Rhywun

        Is it the dark hair/light eyes thing? Because I would get that, just not with McGuire.

        Oh yes, absolutely. I don’t like blonds.

        But yeah, with no hair to judge by….

      • jesse.in.mb

        I see, so Berlin bathhouse chic.

      • Rhywun

        Too bad I was only 16 when I visited Berlin. And I wasn’t fresh meat, unlike a visit to Paris.

      • jesse.in.mb

        16 shouldn’t have stopped you in Germany. I really like Berlin (for reasons other than the bathhouses). It doesn’t hurt that I seem to do really well with Germans though.

      • Rhywun

        Uh… I wasn’t exactly woke to any of that at 16.

      • Derpetologist

        A guy I went to basic training with has a master’s in linguistics. His thesis was on expletive infixation among drag queens.

        They’re really fond of things like un-fucking-believable.

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expletive_infixation

      • jesse.in.mb

        Haha. I remember asking a German ex of mine about expletive infixing in German. He had no idea what I was talking about.

      • Password gl1b

        Just went to Wikipedia to figure out what expletive infixation is.

        Although most speakers are not exposed to these formations until after childhood [citation needed]

        Lol.

      • thrakkorzog

        So would you say that is un-fucking-belivable?

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        You have Fire there? that sucks, be safe

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Ohhh,

    • AlmightyJB

      “You have to do what you’re born to do — to sniff, to stop, to brace yourself for a second, and then run.”

      Amen brother.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        Makes me not want to take my Bella out in the World, but She must, She’s a Dog

    • Tundra

      I went through this same thing with a friend’s dog. We searched for weeks and she had died within 100 yds of the house.

      God dammit.

    • R C Dean

      I can’t read it. I know how hard your heart breaks when you lose a dog, and I followed Scout as a pup. Poor Gnat, too.

  10. Vhyrus

    So its Wednesday and I have not a clue what to write for Firearms Friday. Maybe I’ll do a freeform session.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      Is New England Firearms a good Company?
      I have a single shot 12 ga. from them, any good?

      • Vhyrus

        Depends on when it was made. They were bought by Marlin which was then bought by Remington, and my understanding is they no longer exist. I never owned one myself but they had a reputation of being cheap but usable.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        If you already bought it, it may be a lttle late to reasearch it.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I bought it 25 years ago from a pawn shop for 60$
        I like it, it’s not a mossy 500 but it scares people, and it does skeet pretty well, it tracks

      • Vhyrus

        If it was that long ago it’s probably decently made.

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        That’s why you do Firearms around here, thanks!

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Honestly, not that many people run a single shot hard enough to break it.
        Single shot NEF rapid fire

      • Yusef drives a Kia

        I certainly don’t. more Home deference for me
        /Need a 500

    • Mr Lizard

      Perhaps you can encourage some of your more productive mammals can produce a “brace supported pistol” in 10mm. Preferably one that is not ugly (I’m looking at you Kriss Vector)

    • Playa Manhattan

      How to trick out a Maverick 88.

      I have a folding stock, a side saddle, and a heat shield.

      What do you have?

      • Bobarian LMD

        The poor(er) man’s Mossberg 500?

        I need a better stock for my 500, because shooting slugs gets really old, really fast.

      • Playa Manhattan

        ATI folding stock with pistol grip. Same one I have.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      You could always discuss training or make fun of the tactical timmies online that think they can train.

    • Pomp

      I love disassembling and reassembling guns. My favourites are the older ones that have clear touch up marks in the machined metal so that the components work more smoothly. The bolt carrier in my Yugo SKS has really nice clear evidence of machining touchup work with hand tools or grinders. And then i get somber thinking about how the older commie guns were largely produced by practically uncompensated labour.

    • Lachowsky

      For firearms friday, I would appreciate an article about how I live in a poor ass part of the country that has an extremely high rate of firearms ownership amd there is no such thing as home invasion crime.

    • Hammercorps

      Weirdest functioning firearms ever devised.

      • dbleagle

        I suggest writing on the qualities of the Plains rifle and the underappreciated power of the .54 caliber roundball.

  11. Yusef drives a Kia

    I’ll wait til tomorrow, but I have some questions for you Vhyrus, so Start the Article!
    😉

  12. Rhywun

    Try this in NYC, I dare you.

    • Gilmore

      Columbus Day, recognized by the government as a federal holiday, is celebrated on the second Monday of October each year.

      Ah, but LA they’re going to collectively pretend via Government that isn’t *why* they get a day off. They’re going to use different words, that will magically change what it means, because it was on that date in October when the pernicious, rapacious, colonialist wop mistook Haiti for India.

      • one true athena

        See, this is even dumber than you think it is, because Los Angeles renamed Columbus Day to Discoverer’s Day a dozen years ago, and it stuck for about two years and then went right back, without explanation (that I ever saw, but probably has something to do with the fact that it’s a federal holiday so it’s not like renaming Ice Cream Day). So, it probably won’t stick this time either, and it’s just the same b.s. that proglandia excels at.

      • Hyperion

        I bet if you went out on the streets in LA and just started asking random people who Christopher Columbus was and what country he was from, not more than 2 in 10 could even tell you. People are so dumbed down now that they’ll believe anything. If you told them that he was the first guy on the moon and was from France, they’d believe you.

    • Pomp

      I have never had a private sector job that observed Columbus Day

      • Rhywun

        I don’t think I have either. It’s more a school thing.

      • R C Dean

        We don’t recognize any holidays, or even weekends.

  13. Rhywun

    Mayor’s misbegotten policy of attracting more homeless people to their “home” neighborhoods buts up against the fact that the homeless tend to come from shitty neighborhoods – face-palms ensue.

  14. Derpetologist

    Programs meant to encourage women in STEM may be backfiring — because it’s not women who need to change
    New study finds that women in STEM tend to stick it out, but the field still suffers from pervasive sexism
    Amanda Marcotte

    http://www.salon.com/2017/08/30/programs-meant-to-encourage-women-in-stem-may-be-backfiring-because-its-not-women-who-need-to-change/

    ***
    There are a lot of STEM majors where women outnumber men, Kugler discovered, and many others where gender ratios are fairly equal. Only a few are truly male-dominated. Even when young women enter a major and find most of their classmates are men, they tend to “stick it out,” she added. It’s only when they are in a major such as math or engineering, which are commonly understood as “masculine,” that being outnumbered affects women. Even then, they still need lower grades before they cave into the social stereotypes that women just aren’t good at certain careers. Men who get lower grades, however, are more likely to hang in there, because no one is telling them (either consciously or otherwise) that their gender prevents them from being able to do this work.

    “Women are incredibly resilient,” Kugler explained. “It takes society telling them over and over again, and their environment telling them over and over again, that they’re not good at something to scare women away from it.”

    “Making the fields more welcoming to women” is extremely important, Kugler argued.

    That requires more than simply imploring women to major in math or science, but instead taking a hard look at the ways that the men in these fields may signal to women that they aren’t welcome. For instance, as Joan Williams and Kate Massinger at The Atlantic explained in 2016, sexual harassment is a widespread problem in STEM fields. Dealing with men who deliberately make women feel unwelcome by singling them out for gendered abuse or inappropriate come-ons might do more to ease women’s worries about entering the science fields than a million “You, too, can do math!” booklets.
    ***

    Women are so strong an resilient that they can be scared away by the mere possibility of a sexist comment. Therefore, all men must be nagged non-stop because of the boorish behavior of a few.

    I have a hunch that female bartenders get way more unwanted sexual advances than female scientists or mathematicians.

    • Rhywun

      the ways that the men in these fields may signal to women that they aren’t welcome

      It has to be tough inhabiting an alternate universe.

      • Derpetologist

        Whenever a female student tried to enter the engineering building at Bovine University, we would chase them away with torches and pitchforks.

      • Hyperion

        Sure, I bet it was the male gaze, wasn’t it?

      • Bobarian LMD

        The math and Engineering departments tend to chase women away by being ham-handed geeks who don’t know how to approach a woman.

    • Fatty Bolger

      Women already outnumber men on campus 56% to 44%, a 2.2 million student gap, and it’s widening.

      • Hyperion

        And I’m assuming most of the women there are not in STEM studies. Because they don’t want to be.

      • Fatty Bolger

        Clearly the solution is to make college even less appealing to men than it already is, so that even STEM enrollments are effected.

      • Hyperion

        We just need a more structured society where it’s chosen at your birth what you’ll do as a career. Then we can make a quota, like 60% of STEM workers will be women. It will be utopia, I saw it in a movie once.

    • Hyperion

      I’ve never seen an IT group dominated by women and I know as a 100% fact that women don’t apply nearly as much for IT jobs as men do. I’m assuming, because they just aren’t interested. These people just need to whine incessantly about everything. They should just go fucking extinct already and stop wasting perfectly good air.

      • Rhywun

        My IT team is probably about 40% women and I have never detected the slightest hint of what Amanduh is going on about.

      • Hyperion

        The groups I currently work with are probably 25-30% female. Never seen any problems for anyone because they’re a female in IT, my entire career. Amanduh is a professional whiner and habitual liar.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Men who get lower grades, however, are more likely to hang in there, because no one is telling them (either consciously or otherwise) that their gender prevents them from being able to do this work.

      So if its not their gender, what tells them they can’t do the work? Could it be the realization they suck at what they’re doing?

      • Hyperion

        No one is telling these women they can’t do it. It’s just Amanduh making shit up as usual. They aren’t doing it because they don’t want to.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        Journos don’t make things up. There are real factz their reporting.
        /derp

    • one true athena

      shorter: Amanda Marcotte tries to stick something to the wall to explain why fifteen years of GIRLPOWER IN STEM!! hasn’t worked with a damn. when in doubt —
      PATRIARCHY!!

    • wdalasio

      You know, when I read shit like this, I think of the Taggart Tunnel scene in Atlas Shrugged. And I think to myself “Boy, I wish Amanda Marcotte was on that train.”.

    • Grumbletarian

      Nothing’s more effective at subtly indicating to a woman that you don’t want them around like flirting with them.

  15. Waterfall Insurance

    When it’s over the founders should do a small print run of hat and hair and leave them in public places like libraries, Starbucks, Toys R Us etc.

    • Yusef drives a Kia

      And scare even more people?
      /shudders

    • mikey

      When it’s over??
      Please, never let it be over.

      • Waterfall Insurance

        Who knows what will replace it in 2024. Lil’ Marco grows up? Warren Peace Pipe?

    • Waterfall Insurance

      I think it will change more lives than the Gideon’s Bible.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      Or just spray paint the hat and hair everywhere, 12 Monkeys style. It’ll at least confuse and frighten furure generations into inventing time travel.

    • Pomp

      Leeloo Dallas multipass

  16. Derpetologist

    Spot the Not: Joe Arpaio

    1. I tell every prisoner the same thing. I believe in two things: discipline and the Bible. Put your trust in the Lord; your butt belongs to me.

    2. I don’t use e-mail or u-mail or whatever it’s called.

    3. Donald Trump is a leader. He produces results and is ready to get tough in order to protect American jobs and families.

    4. I have compassion, I’ve told you people that over and over again. Enforcing the law overrides my compassion.

    5. They don’t vote for me because I look like a movie star. I can’t get that vote. People keep voting for me because they like what I do.

    6. I get a lot of calls from families and people who have served time and they say, ‘Thank you, Sheriff. I hate the tents.’ That’s music to my ears.

    • mexican sharpshooter

      #1- I believe thats a line from Shawshank Redemption.

      • Juvenile Bluster

        Shawshank is “your ass belongs to me”, though I could see Arpaio being a big enough asshole to say it himself.

    • Waterfall Insurance

      #1 is Michael Jackson lyrics

    • Rufus the Monocled

      “2. I don’t use e-mail or u-mail or whatever it’s called.”

      I don’t use Facebook or Fuckbook or whatever it’s called.

    • Hammercorps

      #1 is the not.

    • Tundra

      3.

    • Derpetologist

      1 is the Not, adapted from that movie everyone has seen.

      Maybe I should have gone with Cool Hand Luke.

      • mexican sharpshooter

        +1 Failure to communicate

      • thrakkorzog

        There are a lot old farts around here, and Cool Hand Luke used to be shown on a lot of UHF stations back in the day. So Coolhand Luke was kind of the pre-cable Shawshank Redemption. Pretty sure they would spot it as well.

      • dbleagle

        Picking up boss.

        Pick it up.

  17. Waterfall Insurance

    #2 was Hillary Clinton’s statement to the FBI

    • Rhywun

      Saw that this morning & still thinking about it. Is it “looting” when it’s food and water and not TV’s and stereos? I’m not sure.

      • SIV

        Would you cover your face to “find” some food and water?

      • Rhywun

        No.

      • Gilmore

        I am pretty sure the number of people who are going to die of starvation in Houston as a consequence of the flooding is Zero.

        If anyone get sick and dies from drinking dirty water, it will be because they were idiots who didn’t practice the most basic safety precautions, not because of a lack of a clean available supply.

      • wdalasio

        Is it “looting” when it’s food and water and not TV’s and stereos?

        Yeah, yeah, it still is looting. It might be a necessary evil under the circumstances, But, it’s still an evil. Do you think any of those folks left their contact information and a list of what they’d taken so they could compensate the owner later?

      • Playa Manhattan

        They were clearly using those TVs as umbrellas, because they aren’t going to work when the plug them in.

      • SIV

        Only Sim’s patients fully consented and he actually cured them.

      • jesse.in.mb

        Yeah, I read the article.

        Sims opened a medical practice in Lancaster, but his practice “failed within the year after two infants under his treatment died.” Sims moved to Alabama and settled in Macon County, where he began working as a doctor treating enslaved people on local plantations.

        Well, weren’t they lucky.

        Anarcha Wescott, Sims’s patient in the painting, endured 30 surgeries as Sims worked to perfect the technique. She was among about a dozen slaves on whom Sims operated repeatedly without anesthesia, which was just being developed and not widely used at the time.

        Maybe we should throw up statues of his subjects.

      • SugarFree

        Whatever, Jesse. Everyone knows blacks can’t feel pain. That’s why they are so good at looting.

      • SIV

        If Blacks can’t fell pain what was the point of whipping them for working too slow?

        And why would Dr. Sims have wasted all that expensive, imported opium on his patients?

      • R C Dean

        “I don’t whip them to make them hurt. I whip them to make me happy.”

    • wdalasio

      Moreover, none of these articles have provided a shred of evidence that Caribbean water temperatures were any higher than usual for August.

    • Tundra

      Don’t mock the retarded, G.

      • wdalasio

        No, in this case, mock them mercilessly. This is voluntary retardation. If there’s no price to pay, all you get is more retards.

    • Password gl1b

      There really is no peak derp, is there? Every time we find an apex retard, Twitter builds a better one.

    • Bobarian LMD

      Does this mean they’ll finally shut up about it?

      “Nothing to be done, we’re to far along…”

    • Grumbletarian

      Seeing as that article is a year old and we’re still hearing about it, I’m going to say nope.

  18. Derpetologist

    A Member Of The Boston Antifa Posted On The Boston Antifa Facebook Page Complaining That Their Movement Didn’t Have Enough Females Overall, Or In Positions Of Power.

    ***
    Men should take the time to step back and reflect on their sexuality and genders. Both to allow women to exercise their right to lead, and create more diversity in the Antifa community. Start dressing as women at home for practice to see if you wouldn’t mind it, and to put yourselves into our shoes. And remember to be safe and fight back.
    ***

    http://libertasdaily.com/2017/03/26/antifa-moron-complains-many-men-movement/

    • thrakkorzog

      So a suggestion. Spot the not, antifa or WWE wrestler?

      • Derpetologist

        That’s good. I’ll see what I can do.

    • one true athena

      I am suspicious of all antifa things as trolling at this point.

      Although in fairness it’s like that Olbermann post – if you can’t tell the difference from a real unhinged rant and a fake one, it doesn’t make much difference anyway.

      • Derpetologist

        Good detective work. I saw them on a Rebel Media thing once. That should have been a clue.

      • Derpetologist

        ***
        Why do we ask for money?:

        Sadly we have not freed ourselves from capitalism. We too need to eat and pay the bills.
        ***

        [Nelson laugh]

      • Amashi

        Sadly, I have not freed myself from capitalism either. I still have to make money in order to pay for things I want, etc. Who would have guessed I had so much in common with antifa…

      • DEG

        I should have scrolled down before replying up above. Yeah, Boston Antifa is parody.

  19. Derpetologist

    Excelsior! The wolves devour each other:

    http://www.susps.org/

    ***
    SUSPS’ mission is to change Sierra Club population policy so that it once again comprehensively addresses U.S. population growth. We encourage you to vote for Sierra Club Board candidates who support the Club addressing the root cause of U.S. population growth.

    No to racism, Yes to environmentalism

    We support U.S. population stabilization purely for ecological reasons. This requires we reduce both birth rates and migration to the U.S. to sustainable levels. Unending population growth and increasing levels of consumption together are the root causes of the vast majority of our environmental problems, as is the case in many other countries.

    As environmentalists, we in SUSPS are fully aware of the value of biodiversity. An ecosystem is healthier when it has a wide variety of animal and plant species. Similarly, we see value in ethnic and cultural diversity. A nation with human diversity is better able to survive crises, and it benefits from the creativity that diversity inspires.

    We are shocked and repulsed by the actions and statements of Neo-Nazis, xenophobes and racists of any kind. We repudiate any support from people who have racial motives for reducing immigration. Racists and their offensive ideas and actions have no place in modern civilized society.
    ***

    ***
    For the love of money

    Since 1996, leaders of the Sierra Club have refused to admit that immigration driven, rapid U.S. population growth causes massive environmental problems. And they have refused to acknowledge the need to reduce U.S. immigration levels in order to stabilize the U.S. population and protect our natural resources. Their refusal to do what common sense says is best for the environment was a mystery for nearly a decade.

    Then, on Oct. 27, 2004, the Los Angeles Times revealed the answer: David Gelbaum, a super rich donor, had demanded this position from the Sierra Club in return for huge donations! Kenneth Weiss, author of the LA Times article that broke the story, quoted what David Gelbaum said to Sierra Club Executive Director Carl Pope:

    “I did tell Carl Pope in 1994 or 1995 that if they ever came out anti-immigration, they would never get a dollar from me.”

    In 1996 and again in 1998, the Club’s leaders proved their loyalty to Gelbaum’s position on immigration, first by enacting a policy of neutrality on immigration and then by aggressively opposing a referendum to overturn that policy. In 2000 and 2001, Gelbaum rewarded the Club with total donations to the Sierra Club Foundation exceeding $100 million. In 2004 and 2005, the Club’s top leaders and management showed their gratitude for the donations by stifling dissent and vehemently opposing member efforts to enact an immigration reduction policy.
    ***

    • SIV

      In a 5-4 decision written by Justice Stephen Breyer, the Court concluded that license plates constitute government speech, and the state cannot be coerced into expression.

      Precedent seems to settle it. Can Mississippi be coerced out of expressing its own history and heritage?

      • Winston

        Except feels.

        Man if they go through and rule against it wouldn’t that mean that eventually every confederate monument will be challenged? And other potentially offensive symbols? And other state flags or state songs?

    • Winston

      Wonder what Clarence Thomas feels…

    • Winston

      I know Radley Balko would support it…

    • straffinrun

      Let’s start a Go Fund Me for anyone willing to step up to the plate.

    • Gustave Lytton

      So did you make it home or are you still drunk posting from an alleyway?

    • F. Stupidity Jr.

      Words fail me, but I’ll try.

      O’DONNELL: Did they have any beds for you?

      VICTIM #1: No ma’am.

      O’DONNELL: How many kids?

      VICTIM #1: Six.

      O’DONNELL: Where did everybody sleep?

      VICTIM #1: On the floor. I stayed up in the gym – I didn’t sleep. My babies slept on the floor.

      [O’DONNELL points to BABY VICTIM, VICTIM #1 nods in confirmation]

      VICTIM #1: Yes ma’am, all of ’em. I got some, they ran out of blankets, so we had got a bunch of towels and propped them up to make ’em be comfortable, and we just made a big padding on the floor.

      After showing us colossal mountains of donated clothes inside the shelter, O’DONNELL returns to VICTIM #1:

      O’DONNELL: Do you think the city should have been more prepared?

      VICTIM #1: Yes. When the mayor said “Don’t leave”, he didn’t think it was gonna be that bad, I’m like, okay. But after that, when it started coming in, I knew it was a lie. I’ve never been through nothing like that.

      This little interview strikes me as a blatant stab at a Heartstring Tug with a dash of Conspiracy, but are we expected to conclude from this story that the relief efforts in response to an extremely rare weather event are imperfect somehow? Unpossible. To find out just how much more government Harris County needs to prevent hurricane victims from having to sleep on floors, let’s peruse our next interview:

      O’DONNELL: Charlie, you’re running this shelter here.

      CHARLIE: Correct.

      O’DONNELL: How’s it going?

      CHARLIE: Great, we’re making all the black children hurt It’s going as well it can be with the conditions, we’re meeting the immediate emergency needs of all the clients, and we’re just keeping up.

      O’DONNELL: (nodding skeptically) You’re just keeping up.

      CHARLIE: We’re meeting all of the needs of the clients, but it’s going about as well as we could expect it to.

      Everyone involved in the report seems disappointed that every last person taken out of harm’s way isn’t sleeping comfortably instead of, you know, being thankful that lives were saved.

      If I can find the other interview with a victim that Norah O’Donnell did, great; if not, spoiler alert: Victim #2 thinks “they” knew exactly how damaging Harvey was going to be. The implication being, racism.

      • F. Stupidity Jr.

        Still haven’t found it, but here’s another similar report.

        For this report, O’Donnell begins with something of a walkback, talking about all the volunteers and the donations and that people are getting fed, but then we go back to an interview with a victim blaming (not to be confused with victim-blaming):

        O’DONNELL: Michelle, where did you sleep last night?

        MICHELLE: (stammers) I didn’t sleep.

        O’DONNELL: And you have three children?

        MICHELLE: Mm-hmm.

        O’DONNELL: And where did they sleep?

        MICHELLE: On the floor. On cardboards.

        O’DONNELL: On cardboards. Did they not have beds?

        MICHELLE: No. And this is disturbing. Why don’t they have more cots? If not, open up more shelters. To put cots. Or blankets, they didn’t have enough blankets.

        O’DONNELL: There were no blankets?

        MICHELLE: They had one blanket.

        O’DONNELL: For you and the three kids?

        MICHELLE: Yeah. (stammers) I grabbed this little thingy. (shows some kind of little poncho or hoodie, then spews a word salad)

        O’DONNELL: What do people need to know about what’s going on?

        MICHELLE: Our city is better than this, way better…we took people from other disaster areas, we should be treated the same way. We live here. This is our home.

        O’DONNELL: You think they were prepared?

        MICHELLE: No. And they’re still not. They’re still, “What do we do?”

        So headdesky. These pieces by O’Donnell are nothing more than new episodes of Bart’s People.

      • wdalasio

        I will be fair here. The mayor of Houston did tell the public that they shouldn’t evacuate. Now, that may or may not have been the right call. I’ll leave that to others. But, it strikes me that this does put some of the responsibility on the local government for putting people in harm’s way.

        Guess the political party.

      • R C Dean

        Now, that may or may not have been the right call. I’ll leave that to others.

        It was the right call. Evacuating a city of millions can’t be done in a day. It would have been an even bigger catastrophe when the roads jammed (as they would have within hours) and then flooded. This shouldn’t be even close to being controversial.

        Remember: This went from a tropical storm to a hurricane with a very unusual “stall” pattern within a day or two.

  20. Gilmore

    I found a new magazine.

    “Thermidor Magazine is an international samizdat publication dedicated to giving a voice to the New Far Right Internationale. We aspire to be a Salon in which differing, talented and quixotic authors can find a home.

    With this magazine, we aim to express an unmoving protest against the tyranny of the economic and the social that insolently permeates everything, and against the decline of any higher viewpoint into the most pitiable humanism.

    We may not agree on many things, but what we all agree on is that, in the words of Aleksandr Dugin, “if you are in favor of Global Liberal Hegemony, you are the enemy.”

    And we must destroy our enemies.”

    I never read much Mencious Moldbug, but i gather this is on his sort of vibe. He’s even name checked in the teaser-text of one article. Despite the rhetoric above, they seem to want to distance themselves from the “Alt-Right”….which at least a few see as being too-race-obsessed and politically naive. These guys seem more like VDare readers than Breitbart.

    • Winston

      Where’s Girondin, Feuillant or Marais?

      • Gilmore

        Maybe you should go over there and moan in their comment sections till someone responds.

      • Winston

        Can’t take a joke huh?

    • Winston

      They need a lobster mascot.

    • Gilmore

      was that not the plot of “mean girls”? i never saw

    • WTF

      Unless there’s bikinis and tittays, it’s going to flop.

  21. one true athena

    “WE WANT ALL-GIRLS MOVIES! …

    … NOT THIS ONE!”

    lololol. pass the popcorn. The hot takes should be delicious in the morning.

    • Winston

      Piggy will have to be a black lesbian tranny but the sjws will complain so I’m not sure what they can do…

  22. Winston

    https://carlsbad1819.wordpress.com/2017/07/02/joseph-de-villele-against-freedom-of-the-press-1817/

    A superior institution, an institution beyond all influence, an institution which derives its strength from public opinion, and which consequently reacts with force to it, seems to me necessary to pronounce on the preservation or annihilation of a public right on which Representative government stands; It seems to me necessary to repress the unbridled license of writings, a repression which alone can guard society from new convulsions, which are the inevitable consequences of the errors of opinion.

  23. bacon-magic

    I invited a left leaning libertarian 2 days ago to this site. Hope this isn’t the first thing he reads. He at least needs to start from the beginning.
    Thanks SugarFree!
    *commits seppuku*